Dream (When You're Feeling Blue)

For the last 6 months or so I've been dreaming of running away.

Maybe it's loneliness. Living life essentially on your own at 32 is sad. Often I've heard people say there are those surround by people everyday and yet are so alone. Until I aged and began taking on the "adult" things in life (bills, mortgage, full-time job), it's hard to understand what they mean. Once there you look around you and realize there are many people in the world, but few, if any who are our "rock", our confidante, our salvation from the world, the ones who keep us from that glorious padded room with the cool white jackets. The more you take on yourself, that you deal with by yourself the more you realize how alone you really are.

Maybe it's just not being "equipt" - genetically, emotionally or physically - to deal with the stress or all the pressure that comes with being an adult. My father said to my mother one night months ago that he didn't think I could deal with owning a house. I vacilate between thinking I am tough, resiliant, rational and absorb alot of emotions and "things" that would wreck other people and thinking I'm a totally delicate basketcase. Perhaps my view of me, is so totally different from the reality. Could it be that I am really a person who has no business ever being thrown anything because I can't handle it? Do I need to be coddled and kid gloved? Could the old adage about God not giving us anything he doesn't think we can handle would be WAY off base with me? (I personally like Mother Teresa's version.)

Maybe it's because the person I've become is far from where I feel I should be - like the "real" me and the me I am keep drifting further and further apart. Think of a very calm water and two pieces of driftwood. Slowly, surely they drift apart and despite still seeing "me" in the distance, I can't quite reach and keep "me" from drifting away. I watched the end of The Blue Lagoon the other night. The frantic-ness with which the boy tried to reach the drifting paddle (in the super calm water with the circling shark) and then the calm resigning they did to losing it and just being adrift was reassuring. Perhaps we eventually stop lamenting what was lost and are just content to drift and be what we are. (Of course, shortly after this they opted for the berries because what they were would eventually kill them anyway, but another point for another time maybe.)

Maybe it's that I'm sick again with a virus, ear congestion and sinuses holding onto everything inside of them for dear life. This makes the third virus since December. Each one has a lovely intermission of a sinus infection and the last time, sinus AND yeast. Aren't you happy you stopped by to see what I was up to today? :) :)

Maybe it's the feeling of giving everything and receiving nothing but the request to give more. The kids require alot of love, attention and are needy in so many ways. The 60 of them we are seeing daily gives you little time to "recharge" before the next one. The end of the day is draining and the "recharging" isn't happening in the face of laundry, cleaning around the house, the mail piling up. Even the little pick-me-up I've had lately - the glimmer of hope for a break in the current "climate" - the little Crocus sprouting up by our mailbox has become withered and trampled upon since it's initial sprouting. The money keeps rolling out and EVERYONE and their mother keep asking for it. The rolling in is less eventful and less frequent, I guess that's why I wonder constantly why I haven't gone bankrupt yet and where I got all the smoke and mirrors.

But the dream of running away. The carefree, lightness of it all. Somehow in our dreams there are no bills, no commitments, no "have-to-do"s. It is grocery shopping in 70 degree weather at outdoor markets just for food for the day. Light cotton dresses with perfect hair (no pun intended, but the new cut and color are growing on me). Friendly, unintruding faces who offer up a nice hello, ask about your life and continue on their way. Totally happiness in the woman - who she is, where she is, what she is...with no stress, no longing, no desire. Aha. The dream that keeps you going when you are feeling blue. May yours be vibrant and plenitful and most of all, present.

Song by Frank Sinatra

Shut Your Eyes

Hi All!

Well, I haven't been sleeping too well lately, so this'll be a jumpy all over-the-place kind of blog. I'd LOVE to write at length about any of these things, but my mind doesn't do "at length" on anything anymore. Don't ya hate that? I have opinions, but before I can start thinking about writing them down, my mind is off running to the next subject. Like....

• I went to Starbucks this morning as a "treat" on my way to shop for the Shower that has become a headache for me. I decided to be a good Weight Watchers Lifetime person and order the Skinny Vanilla Latte. It wasn't bad, but had a Splenda-y aftertaste, of which I am not a big fan. I'm thinking for the extra 2 or 3 points the sugar syrup version is worth it!
• The Shower for my friend Becky is this Saturday. Communication has been nonexistant and I just found out Monday what the gift is going to be from us. It seems VERY casual from your bridesmaids and I think we should've done better. One of the BM and I are buying an extra "something" to go with the gift. This is killing me, since I also found out yesterday the quoted price of our part of the shower DOUBLED.
• Money has been tight and awful for me lately. I'm trying so hard to scrimp and save and use every little thing for everything. Every time I turn around it's something else or someone else springing extra money costs on me. I got a Sewer Bill from the town where I live. Now, K and I have quarterly paid our county for Sewer in the year we lived here. I never knew I'd owe a fee to the town too! Ugh! Luckily, they gave me a month warning before the first payment is due. I've been working at least $200 worth of overtime in every paycheck and still I'm struggling. PLEASE keep your fingers crossed and strong prayers for a raise in our new contract. I am still making less than a teacher with my experience and working more hours. The money would be a huge relief. Needed, because every day I feel less and less like "myself". (My mom calls me angry. I don't even freakin care.)
• Knowing that money is tight, I debated lightening my hair. I had decided against it, but the more and more it began to look "dirty" blonde, the more I thought it needed something. I finally said to myself "you've worked alot of overtime this year and even though it's tight, a one-time paying for hair if it makes you feel good about you is worth it". I made the appointment, took the time off work and went. I hate it. K thinks it looks more brown. I think it looks brassy/redish, and some people at work think it looks lighter. My mom thinks it looks beautiful and natural. This couples with a haircut/style I hate made the whole thing a fiasco. The colorist told me she didn't think I liked it and told me to promise I'd come back if I really didn't. After a few days, I was still unhappy, but didn't go back. I went back and forth. I wanted to give her the option to fix it and make me happy. I mean, I paid ALOT of money for it, had taken in a picture of me in the color I wanted (which was just the summer version of my nautral hair color) and should get what I wanted. The other part of me thought maybe I was overreacting since everyone I work with and family like it. Plus, Spring Sports had started and where was I going to find 2 hours, plus putting my hair through MORE chemicals, to get it fixed. I decided to hope for sunshine to take over from here out and left it alone. The haircut I was more upset with. I told him I wanted to let it grow b/c of the wedding I'm in this May (see above Shower reference). I took a picture and he said, yeah, we can do that. I don't think it looks anything lik the picture - which rested at her shoulders, while mine ends just below my chin. I also think he took 10 years off my age. While some women may think it's a good thing, from someone who regularly looks 26 and feels her looks contribute to the fact people don't always listen to her as an authority, I can tell you shaving age off me is NOT good. In the week and 2 days since I've had it cut, I've cried over it 2 or 3 times and dreamt once someone was forciably holding me down and shaving my hair off. Traumatic, to say the least. (and all in all, it's not horrible, but not me or spectacular either)
• Is it wrong to have the thought that you may have to start taking personal days because you can't afford the gas to travel to work and back?
• HaHa Eliot Spitzer
• AND, I'm sorry, but you absolutely couldn't say or do ANYTHING that would make me stand up next to my husband while he admitted to the world he slept with a prostitute. It would be all I could do to let him stand up there without a big, red, frying pan welt across his face (or black eye, or at least a HUGE limp!)!
• Earlier this year, just after Jill's b-day (Feb 10th) I got a Sinus Infection. Since I had just had one in December, my PA wouldn't put me on the Z-pack again for fear of "acclimating" and put my on 10 days of Augmentin. You females know what happens on Antibiotics? Well, it's March 13th and I'm still freakin dealing with that aftermath. Z-PACK next time I'm putting my foot down. It's only 5 days and my body LIKES it - or at least I suffer no month long backlash!
• Alright, well, I should go get some sleep since I won't be getting a whole lot this weekend. Happy St. Pat's on Monday. Harp for everyone! :)

-Sonce by Snow Patrol