Alright, I think I'm going from Carrie to Andy...Rooney that is! Lots of things bothering me today.
First things first. Splitting a job sucks! not only splitting a job, but working as a secretary (sorry, Admin. Assistant) sucks! I always wondered why they deserved their own day. Now I know. It's because anyone who would do their job deserves either higher pay, or a lunch once in awhile. It has to be the most demeaning job in the world and you get dumped on by everyone - coworkers, parallell employees, and bosses. So, it's either this really IS one of the worst jobs in America, OR I have just found something I don't ever want to do again to add to my list of "What I Don't Want to do With My Life". (This is a much more defined list than "What I WANT to do With My Life", which leaves my head blank! :) ) And why, you ask do I pick today to tell you this little piece of trivia? I walked in at 9:00 (a few minutes early, but really, who's keeping track) and was bombarded by Charlie (Partner 1) to get things together for the 10 o'clock meeting - that I didn't know they had b/c I wasn't in yesterday.
After getting shoo-ed away by Gloria (receptionist/secretary/payroll person, etc.) on my hunt for her bosses business cards, I asked mom, who wanted every little detail as to why I was looking for his business cards - none of which I had time for b/c the dentist they were hired by showed up 30 min. early for the meeting! So I scavanged everything together, ushered the guy to B&N for some good coffee (I wanted to tell him to go before they made me make coffee; which they ended up doing, but it's a good thing no one drank any, or we'd have no clients anymore! :) ), and was getting set for the 20 things I had to do in the next 5 minutes, when Pat walks in. Pat does something in my mom's office, but I'm not quite sure what.
Now, let me retrace my steps a bit. The early-arriving dentist shows up, while I'm trying to avoid giving mom every little detail about WHY I needed a business card, so Pat greets him then heads off to tell Charlie that he's here. She comes out of Charlie's office as I'm walking back to mine (which is in the BACk of the building) , relays what Charlie just told her to tell him and asks me "Would you like to tell him, or should I?" So I say I'll do it ('cuz he looks like a cross between Jimmy Fallon and the Abercrombie model I used to have on my wall in GSO - but more importantly {ahem} because it's my job) and take 2 steps to lay something on my desk, when I turn around she's already relayed everything to him and is showing him the bathroom. Which is fine with me. So, I go back to the chicken-with-the-head-cut-off routine I was in the middle of. I head to the conference room to see if he needs anything, which is when he asks for a Starbucks, so I send him to B&N. (If you knew the set up of everything you'd understand why I didn't think crossing Route 73, then making him come through the circle to get back to our office made as much sense. Lost clients are bad clients! B/c time is money! :) )So, he's on his way, I'm pecking around everything when the next dentist comes in. Pat greets him and then heads back to tell me he's here...which is where I was before I two paragraphs ago!! :)
So, deja vu, Pat walks in, tells me he's here. I tell her Charlie is in the conference room, so he can go right in. silly me. i thought those instructions were easy! So, Pat goes up front and either (I wasn't there, so I don't know) tells Gloria (who has already snapped at me for trying to put their water in the fridge for our clients and something else stupid I forget...) who buzzes me and says, "Don't you know part of your job is greeting the clients, asking them if they need anything,serving them , etc."
NOW FIRST OF ALL, if you want a freakin' waitress...well, wait...I'll get to that too. So I say yes, but I didn't know anyone was here. Since I can't see or hear the door, I guess I'm supposed to rely on my ESP, but it was off today on account of the Red Ozone they warned us about today! So, then I head to teh front door, where the Dr. has miraculous walked the 6 steps into the conference room (on who's instructions I don't know b/c obviously Pat couldn't handle that) and is sitting down. so I take drink orders (luckily, none for coffee) and head o the kitchenette. I asked Gloria for a bowl in which to put ice ('cuz to me it makes sense...but again, I'll get to that) and then she sighed, rolled her eyes and set things up for me. (Here comes the explaining part...get ready.)
In the office there are 3 companies. Bryen & Bryen, BNL, and us, The Snyder Group. Bruce Bryen financially backed the other two companies, bsides his own, in the office building. So, they have a little wooden tray to put in the conference room for clients and meetings, etc. with drinks on it. fine by me. Except, they have no ice bowl, so you have to get out the tray, get out cups, put ice in the cups, get the bottled water out and serve it on the tray, but only after you've taken orders. Well, only one person wanted a drink. So, I wasn't gonna use the tray. It was like I'd defined all of heaven and earth. So, I used the freakin' tray, delivered the drink, and walked out with the tray. I thought Gloria was gonna have twins right there at her desk! I thought everyone's actions were freakin' Busch League and I think I said so to my mother at lunch. Here's why:
First of all, if you're gonna have a 10 am meeting the conference room should be supplied with: juice, water, coffee, and some morning munchie thing like bagels or donuts. This meeting was to last 3 hours. If you're gonna make me use the FREAKIN' TRAY, get me an ice bucket, so I can put out a bucket of ice, cups, and bottles of water, so that in the course of the meeting if they get thirsty they may help themselves, not disturb anyone, and not miss anything. Second, how ridiculous does it look to have 3 women running around to usher you into a conference room. If Pat wanted to do it that's fine. Experience showed that even if I said I'd do it (as I should...part of my job), she would do it anyway, then when I come in and either repeat the same information, OR look lost and confused wondering where he went, and NOT able to inform my boss where our clients are it looks unprofessional and...well...Busch League. she should have either let me handle the first one and all clients thereafter, or she should have just ushered him in like I told her when she asked. None of this half-and-half BS. Third, there is no reason Gloria should have been involved (except that Pat involved her). It wasn't her deal. It was nice of her to offer to show me how they set things up and where things were, but no way should it've been mandatory I do things her way. Finally, this is not their company. I am not their employee. There is not reason they should feel as if they can snap my head of for the way I handle things in my office. They can suggest, but don't get upset if I don't listen. No reason! too many people were inconvenience that didn't have to be b/c on 1 person.
As for the freakin' tray....I'm gonna use it for a bonfire. What kind of freakin' waitress do I look like?!?!?!
One day...far, far, away I'm gonna make it to the Show! I great land...where no one is Busch League and I love what I get to do every day! 'Cuz this sucks!!!!! Right now though, I'm off to take care of another bunch of idiots...my family. :)
Thursday, June 27, 2002
Sunday, June 23, 2002
Lyrics sent from Kare....(a friend of her's band)
Change Your Mind
I guess you're doing okay
There's things I guess I should say before I walk through that door
But now I'm not so sure
Some rivers need to diverge
Some feelings I thought I'd purged don't want to die after all
They resurrect with one call
And I thought that I could give you your space
Keep my distance but the sight of your face is more than freedom allows
So where can I escape to now
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
I can't keep holding your stare
I can't keep hoping you'll care 'cause if you could've somehow
I guess you would've by now
The truth is there to deny
While I'm watching the traffic go by... I'm on my way back home
Still can't leave well enough alone
And it's stupid to keep playing this game
But just like every casualty has a name, every man has his chance
And now mine has passed
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
These are the last words I know
After that you can go... you can be on your way
I won't ask you to stay
And if he needs you around
I'll never utter a sound when it's my turn to confess
I'll only wish you the best
But it hurts and it stings and it's there when I sing
But I can't do a thing without sounding like I still want you
'Cause I do
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
And I know one song won't change your mind...
...Well maybe just this time
Change Your Mind
I guess you're doing okay
There's things I guess I should say before I walk through that door
But now I'm not so sure
Some rivers need to diverge
Some feelings I thought I'd purged don't want to die after all
They resurrect with one call
And I thought that I could give you your space
Keep my distance but the sight of your face is more than freedom allows
So where can I escape to now
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
I can't keep holding your stare
I can't keep hoping you'll care 'cause if you could've somehow
I guess you would've by now
The truth is there to deny
While I'm watching the traffic go by... I'm on my way back home
Still can't leave well enough alone
And it's stupid to keep playing this game
But just like every casualty has a name, every man has his chance
And now mine has passed
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
These are the last words I know
After that you can go... you can be on your way
I won't ask you to stay
And if he needs you around
I'll never utter a sound when it's my turn to confess
I'll only wish you the best
But it hurts and it stings and it's there when I sing
But I can't do a thing without sounding like I still want you
'Cause I do
And I know one song won't change your mind
Change your mind
Change your mind
And I know one song won't change your mind...
...Well maybe just this time
Saturday, June 22, 2002
Hi All! this is gonna be quick b/c I'm tired and sunburned and need to go to bed.
Got home from the shore tonight and in checking my email about a BBQ tomorrow, got an email from Neil. He's not coming. I guess in a way I should be relieved. It aleviates alot of stress in the coming week, but I'm also very crushed. The email was polite ("thank you for responding to my email"), quick ("coming through to Trenton Sunday night,not staying for Philly. Leaving Monday b/c I have to be home" - No doubt for Christy's b-day. At least he remembers hers), and a little more callous than the other two...(something about me speeding through our parking lot, various looks I gave him, him passing on the bad times, but maybe we can get together in the future, etc.)
After tonight, I really do believe if God DOES exist, he's capable of torture and watching people repeatedly suffer. Now if you'll excuse me...I think I'll retreat to January 2001.
Got home from the shore tonight and in checking my email about a BBQ tomorrow, got an email from Neil. He's not coming. I guess in a way I should be relieved. It aleviates alot of stress in the coming week, but I'm also very crushed. The email was polite ("thank you for responding to my email"), quick ("coming through to Trenton Sunday night,not staying for Philly. Leaving Monday b/c I have to be home" - No doubt for Christy's b-day. At least he remembers hers), and a little more callous than the other two...(something about me speeding through our parking lot, various looks I gave him, him passing on the bad times, but maybe we can get together in the future, etc.)
After tonight, I really do believe if God DOES exist, he's capable of torture and watching people repeatedly suffer. Now if you'll excuse me...I think I'll retreat to January 2001.
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Hi everyone! Got back from Dallas in one piece. thought I'd let ya'll know. It was a pretty exhausting trip. Beside the fact I'm no longer 21 and not nearly in the drinking shape college produced, it was a very mental trip for me. Something happens when you go away to a reunion or visiting of old friends alone. I think it's even more mentally taxing hangin out with people you haven't seen in years and didn't always care to spend your time with when you were in the same place. That being said, how do you get together with people you spent a year or two together with and find things to talk about?
I flew to Dallas to renew my Continuing Education Credits (or CEU's) in order to keep my A.T. Certification. I'll never forget while studying for my Certification exam I said, "I am NEVER letting the certification lapse! I don't care if I'm 103 and not even practicing! I don't EVER want to take this stupid exam again!" So, I always promised I'd do it. It's nice to be able to go and catch up on old times. Unfort. this year, I only knew one person that was going and I was actually closer to one of his friends, so I didn't want to "cramp his space" by planning on hanging out with him. Turns out, my friend Penny was there, so there was someone I genuinely wanted to see and be with there. We weren't staying at the same hotel, but were together enough. she is friends with people I know, but never really had much in common with. Still, it was a great time! I am going to try and get a website to post pictures of some of the things I've done, so you all can see everyone.
Friday night was the Welcome reception. As I remember this used to be a dressy occasion, but apparently this time it was not. I ran into some people at registration who said they were going to the reception around 6, so I got dress and headed out to the shuttle. There, at the bus stop was Ryan. I was pretty confident he'd be there, but I don't think I was quite prepared to see him there. Anyway, he was with his girlfriend. It was a little akward moment, but only in my mind...not really one of those obviously akward things. They were sitting on the shuttle (bus) holding hands and with him rubbing her leg. It was strange. i didn't have the nagging feeling like I wanted it to be me with him, but more that feeling you get around PDA couples. Later that night, after a couple jaunts to different corporate sponsor parties we ended up at Bar Dallas and I was...dancing. (I think my mood lifted and reverted back to my senior year in college! :) Hey at least I was on the dance floor dancing...and just briefly under a Tequila bottle that was floating and dancing on the bar above my head! :) ) I noticed Ryan staring in our direction as our group of Salisburians were right next to the LSU Tigers (b/c one of our recent grads just began his Grad. Assistantship there) and thus, his girlfriend and I were in his direct vision. I remember being curious as to what he was thinking. And me thinking how different we were from those two who ingnited Fourth of July just by looking at each other. Here I was dancing around the floor looking either like those overaged out-of-place old people you see in bars, or (and probably closer to this one given the outfit anf the ponytail) like a 20 year-old in a bar on a fake i.d. enjoying every second; and there he was having a dignified drinking with his buddies looking like an old married man whose wife had too much to drink and is singing and dancing with the other wives. As I remember this was always Ryan's approach to social events, but usually I was the wife who'd had too much to drink. Sometimes, as a 20 year old, "acting" grown up and the epitome of what you picture a married couple to be like has appeal and stability. Not to mention the love that was obviously there.
Then I thought of Neil. (Mind you I'm sure all this thinking was taking place in split seconds...more like feelings than tangible thoughts, but time has a funny way of stopping and speeding up when altered by beer and tequila! :) ) Neil liked going out and having fun (at least the Neil I used to know. Who knows what he's morphed into). We did it alot. Out, dancing, drinking. He liked to dance but wasn't good and knew he wasn't good. I always liked the fact he did it b/c he liked it and he made me laugh just watching him glow like a 5 year-old who was showing their mom and dad they could ride a bike with no training wheel for the first time! :) Unfort. he liked being "out" too much, did it in excess and usually involved looking to pick up women. Ii loved his child-like attitude and love of life (some who knew him may argue he didn't love life, but the look in his eye at certain things was that child-like wonder and love of things). I also loved the fact I didn't have to hide things from him and that when I was with him I didn't ever feel that "what if" feeling about anyone else, there or in my past. I could joke around with him (and he with me) about exes and things we'd done with no harm, jealousy, or ill feelings.
But Friday night after a night of more drinking than I've done in over a year combined, I was thinking about him before I fell asleep. The last thought I had was that his life with me would've been 10 times happier than it will ever be without me; and I'm glad that choice was his, b/c I don't think I could ever live with having thrown away that kind of happiness in my life. It was a very comforting thought and I remember thinking maybe I really am just coming to terms with it all. Not necessarily over him, realizing that I owe it to myself to move on with my life. Because maybe I will be able to find the "home" feeling again with someone else. And knowing that no matter how happy he thinks he is at any point, it's not as happy as he could've been.
So, I checked my email this morning and guess what? Two emails from Neil. He wrote Friday to harass me for not talking to him since So Con tournament (funny, but my phone hasn't been ringing, nor my email flashing with his name attached), and that he was gonna be in Philly for Carpenter Cup next week. When I didn't hear from him the day after his birthday, I figured he'd wait til the end of the week to make sure I had really forgotten and wasn't just late, then he'd get on me. Turns out I know him so well! :) I got another email from him yesterday saying he was sure I'd gotten his note from last week and had just chosen to erase him from my memory.
He wants to get together when he's in town. I'm not sure if I want to exactly...well, let me rephrase that, I REALLY want to see him, but I don't know that I should. I'm afraid. Afraid it'll hurt me all over again; afraid he'll tell me he's engaged; afraid he'll tell me he's not (and maybe say something about missing me); and I'm afraid all my anger, resentment, and hurt will come out. The last thing I want is for him to know I'm anything but fine. And until today, when I got that email, I felt fine. Better than I had in months...for just a few days. That doesn't mean that every night I didn't go to bed thinking about him, missing him, or crying over what happened...but that ache I had felt every day wasn't there. I still wanted him around, and everytime something happened wanted to share it with him.
I sat in a lecture talking about burnout and depression from your job and so much of what he said he phrased towards life in general. And I think he (gentleman from UCLA) did it on purpose. In addition to the Neil thoughts, feelings and revelations, I was "offered" (like hey, need a....I know of one. Let me know I'll fill ya in) 3 or 4 jobs while I was there. So, here's the question of the night.....when is going back to something that you left bad?
Think of this as a "Sex and the City" theme type thing. I did call Neil on his cell and leave him a message to call me when he gets to Philly. It gives me some stalling time. I DO really want to see him, but don't know if I should. These last few months have been torture on me, my friends, and family. Will seeing him do anything but keep me hanging on, or devestate me more? and i know, deep in my heart i want him so bad to miss me and realize the mistake he's made. What if he doesn't? The tug of Athletic Training is very strong at conventions. I always feel as though I've failed, esp. when people ask where are you? (Meaning where are you training?) It never seems as if it's because I chose to leave - wanted to see what else was out there, or that I could do, but that I couldn't cut it. Or maybe, it's that after all I went through between Salisbury and UNCG I feel as that even though I like it, and am good at it, maybe I'm not good at it as a profession.
So, is going backwards bad? Does it just set us back on the progress we've made since we left, or does it get us back on the right track from a detour we needed to appreciate it and it's place in our lives? What if going back only makes you see the mess you made and put behind you? And does being "where you're supposed to" have to cause so much heartache when the road ahead AND behind look just about as bleak? The gentleman from UCLA talked about taking risks and how we do everything in life because of payoffs and benefits. How do you know which road to chose when there's no payoff or benefit to either road? And how do you follow your heart, when it's broken? He went around the room asking all of us what we would do if we could do anything? The only thing I wanted was for him not to ask me! I've been asking myself that question for years to no avail. I still only come out blank. I can't say there's one thing (not even that anymore Kare) that makes my heart flip. Nothing that I wish for at night. Nothing. So how do you navigate life with no wishes or dreams to guide your forward and backward? And how can backward be bad, if the heart jumps just at the thought of doing it? The bad comes at the remembrence of why you left to begin with. But bad also comes at the prospect of not looking forward to forward, for fear it gets worse from here, because you didn't chose back there.
I flew to Dallas to renew my Continuing Education Credits (or CEU's) in order to keep my A.T. Certification. I'll never forget while studying for my Certification exam I said, "I am NEVER letting the certification lapse! I don't care if I'm 103 and not even practicing! I don't EVER want to take this stupid exam again!" So, I always promised I'd do it. It's nice to be able to go and catch up on old times. Unfort. this year, I only knew one person that was going and I was actually closer to one of his friends, so I didn't want to "cramp his space" by planning on hanging out with him. Turns out, my friend Penny was there, so there was someone I genuinely wanted to see and be with there. We weren't staying at the same hotel, but were together enough. she is friends with people I know, but never really had much in common with. Still, it was a great time! I am going to try and get a website to post pictures of some of the things I've done, so you all can see everyone.
Friday night was the Welcome reception. As I remember this used to be a dressy occasion, but apparently this time it was not. I ran into some people at registration who said they were going to the reception around 6, so I got dress and headed out to the shuttle. There, at the bus stop was Ryan. I was pretty confident he'd be there, but I don't think I was quite prepared to see him there. Anyway, he was with his girlfriend. It was a little akward moment, but only in my mind...not really one of those obviously akward things. They were sitting on the shuttle (bus) holding hands and with him rubbing her leg. It was strange. i didn't have the nagging feeling like I wanted it to be me with him, but more that feeling you get around PDA couples. Later that night, after a couple jaunts to different corporate sponsor parties we ended up at Bar Dallas and I was...dancing. (I think my mood lifted and reverted back to my senior year in college! :) Hey at least I was on the dance floor dancing...and just briefly under a Tequila bottle that was floating and dancing on the bar above my head! :) ) I noticed Ryan staring in our direction as our group of Salisburians were right next to the LSU Tigers (b/c one of our recent grads just began his Grad. Assistantship there) and thus, his girlfriend and I were in his direct vision. I remember being curious as to what he was thinking. And me thinking how different we were from those two who ingnited Fourth of July just by looking at each other. Here I was dancing around the floor looking either like those overaged out-of-place old people you see in bars, or (and probably closer to this one given the outfit anf the ponytail) like a 20 year-old in a bar on a fake i.d. enjoying every second; and there he was having a dignified drinking with his buddies looking like an old married man whose wife had too much to drink and is singing and dancing with the other wives. As I remember this was always Ryan's approach to social events, but usually I was the wife who'd had too much to drink. Sometimes, as a 20 year old, "acting" grown up and the epitome of what you picture a married couple to be like has appeal and stability. Not to mention the love that was obviously there.
Then I thought of Neil. (Mind you I'm sure all this thinking was taking place in split seconds...more like feelings than tangible thoughts, but time has a funny way of stopping and speeding up when altered by beer and tequila! :) ) Neil liked going out and having fun (at least the Neil I used to know. Who knows what he's morphed into). We did it alot. Out, dancing, drinking. He liked to dance but wasn't good and knew he wasn't good. I always liked the fact he did it b/c he liked it and he made me laugh just watching him glow like a 5 year-old who was showing their mom and dad they could ride a bike with no training wheel for the first time! :) Unfort. he liked being "out" too much, did it in excess and usually involved looking to pick up women. Ii loved his child-like attitude and love of life (some who knew him may argue he didn't love life, but the look in his eye at certain things was that child-like wonder and love of things). I also loved the fact I didn't have to hide things from him and that when I was with him I didn't ever feel that "what if" feeling about anyone else, there or in my past. I could joke around with him (and he with me) about exes and things we'd done with no harm, jealousy, or ill feelings.
But Friday night after a night of more drinking than I've done in over a year combined, I was thinking about him before I fell asleep. The last thought I had was that his life with me would've been 10 times happier than it will ever be without me; and I'm glad that choice was his, b/c I don't think I could ever live with having thrown away that kind of happiness in my life. It was a very comforting thought and I remember thinking maybe I really am just coming to terms with it all. Not necessarily over him, realizing that I owe it to myself to move on with my life. Because maybe I will be able to find the "home" feeling again with someone else. And knowing that no matter how happy he thinks he is at any point, it's not as happy as he could've been.
So, I checked my email this morning and guess what? Two emails from Neil. He wrote Friday to harass me for not talking to him since So Con tournament (funny, but my phone hasn't been ringing, nor my email flashing with his name attached), and that he was gonna be in Philly for Carpenter Cup next week. When I didn't hear from him the day after his birthday, I figured he'd wait til the end of the week to make sure I had really forgotten and wasn't just late, then he'd get on me. Turns out I know him so well! :) I got another email from him yesterday saying he was sure I'd gotten his note from last week and had just chosen to erase him from my memory.
He wants to get together when he's in town. I'm not sure if I want to exactly...well, let me rephrase that, I REALLY want to see him, but I don't know that I should. I'm afraid. Afraid it'll hurt me all over again; afraid he'll tell me he's engaged; afraid he'll tell me he's not (and maybe say something about missing me); and I'm afraid all my anger, resentment, and hurt will come out. The last thing I want is for him to know I'm anything but fine. And until today, when I got that email, I felt fine. Better than I had in months...for just a few days. That doesn't mean that every night I didn't go to bed thinking about him, missing him, or crying over what happened...but that ache I had felt every day wasn't there. I still wanted him around, and everytime something happened wanted to share it with him.
I sat in a lecture talking about burnout and depression from your job and so much of what he said he phrased towards life in general. And I think he (gentleman from UCLA) did it on purpose. In addition to the Neil thoughts, feelings and revelations, I was "offered" (like hey, need a....I know of one. Let me know I'll fill ya in) 3 or 4 jobs while I was there. So, here's the question of the night.....when is going back to something that you left bad?
Think of this as a "Sex and the City" theme type thing. I did call Neil on his cell and leave him a message to call me when he gets to Philly. It gives me some stalling time. I DO really want to see him, but don't know if I should. These last few months have been torture on me, my friends, and family. Will seeing him do anything but keep me hanging on, or devestate me more? and i know, deep in my heart i want him so bad to miss me and realize the mistake he's made. What if he doesn't? The tug of Athletic Training is very strong at conventions. I always feel as though I've failed, esp. when people ask where are you? (Meaning where are you training?) It never seems as if it's because I chose to leave - wanted to see what else was out there, or that I could do, but that I couldn't cut it. Or maybe, it's that after all I went through between Salisbury and UNCG I feel as that even though I like it, and am good at it, maybe I'm not good at it as a profession.
So, is going backwards bad? Does it just set us back on the progress we've made since we left, or does it get us back on the right track from a detour we needed to appreciate it and it's place in our lives? What if going back only makes you see the mess you made and put behind you? And does being "where you're supposed to" have to cause so much heartache when the road ahead AND behind look just about as bleak? The gentleman from UCLA talked about taking risks and how we do everything in life because of payoffs and benefits. How do you know which road to chose when there's no payoff or benefit to either road? And how do you follow your heart, when it's broken? He went around the room asking all of us what we would do if we could do anything? The only thing I wanted was for him not to ask me! I've been asking myself that question for years to no avail. I still only come out blank. I can't say there's one thing (not even that anymore Kare) that makes my heart flip. Nothing that I wish for at night. Nothing. So how do you navigate life with no wishes or dreams to guide your forward and backward? And how can backward be bad, if the heart jumps just at the thought of doing it? The bad comes at the remembrence of why you left to begin with. But bad also comes at the prospect of not looking forward to forward, for fear it gets worse from here, because you didn't chose back there.
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Alright, here goes...
June 11, 1997 my mom and I began the drive to North Carolina. It was 2 weeks after my graduation form Salisbury and I was to start an Athletic Training Assistantship the following week, working summer camps. The Head Trainer at the time, Jaime Perez(pronounced Hi-Me) had set me up with the Assistant Softball coach, who needed a roommate. I was taking alot of ribbing from people before I graduated for living with a softball coach, as...well, we all know the stereotype. :) Mom and I got to my "new house" at about 1:45am. We unloaded enough of the stuff we had in my car to get through until the morning and headed with Maverick (I believe) inside. After getting ready for bed, we curled up on the floor of what was to be my room and tried to sleep. About 5 minutes after hitting the floor, the phone rang. The answering machine picked up and a male voice came on..."Hey! Where the *#($ are you? It's after two, you should be home from work. Well, I guess you're out with some man! Just wanted to call. I'll talk to ya later." i8t was obviously being placed from a bar and obviously not "just a friend". I smiled. My new roommate was not a stereotypical softball player.
I got to meet Tara the next morning. She looked just the same as the pictures in the house and was more than willing to give us directions to where we wanted to go. She had to work all day, then, she said she was throwing a party at her "friend's" house for his birthday. Her friend Courtney picked me up later that evening and off we went. After meeting everyone there, up the sidealk came Tara and a guy about her height with a Tommy Lasorda belly. I remember thinking he was not at all what I expected and Tara seemed prettier than he was. It turns out he had just retruned from Philadelphia, so we talked a little about that, and when they all were headed out to the bars, I opted for home with mom. And so went my first encounter with William Neil Avent.
Over the next 7 months, I spent alot of time on that deck. On the nights Tara worked, she'd send me over to Neil's so he wouldn't be by himself for dinner and neither would I. after dinner, we'd meet Tara and their group of friends at the bar/laundramat where she worked. Most of the group were coaches of spring sports, so the plan changed a little in the spring for them and after working Men's Soccer and Women's Basketball and having an emotionally draining first year, I welcomed the springtime break; and the nights grilling and drinking on Neil's porch.
Come summer, I worked alot of camps. One particular one was a two week camp in Virginia to fill in for Jaime, who had just accepted a job in Louisiana and was leaving before it began, followed by a week at home. Upon my return (one week prior to pre-season soccer beginning), Tara told me she had applied, interviewed for and accepted the Head coaching job at Austin Peay in Tennessee. She left just after my 22nd birthday. So, we had hired a new assistant because once I came in, the new one was fired, and that assistant was now the head trainer. She and I decided to move in together. She didn't want to live in my house (b/c it didn't have A.C.), didn't want to live in her place (as it was a 20 minute drive into work every day), but decided she wanted to live in Neil's complex, as the townhouses were nice, spaceous, cheap, a 5 minute walk to work, and all UNCG staff or faculty. So, we moved in the first week of October. Neil and I had been spending all our time together, along with some of our friends. Tara's leaving thinned out the group a little and people started going their own way. But, not us. We found we had a lot in common and very similar tastes.
In November, Neil's secretary broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been living with for 6 years, and she began spending alot of time with us, but especially him. The tricky thing was, during most of her pushing for a relationship, he was pursuing me. I was having difficulty with the dating an ex-roommate's boyfriend, so I kept deflecting the advances and it didn't affect our relationship. I stood by him through the fighting as he and Tara battled to figure out if they should stay together or not (he wanted to, she didn't - but she didn't want to let him go either), through Christy's pushing for a relationship and his confusion for each, as well as pursuing of other women. He gave advice and listened as I talked about my crush on one of his baseball players, my adjusting to the new trainng room situation, the every chaging rumors about me (most of which were absurd and funny), my "forceful cuddling" incident, and various friend issues (like Bridget and Chris - my then roommate). Once he'd "dealt" with Christy and Tara, we found we were spending almost all our free time together and with not many others.
This time together culminated with a trip to Fort Myers Beach. Neil had to go for a December clinic/camp he was working and I was having bad winter blahs. He suggested I buy a ticket and go with him. So, I did.
(In the time prior, two of his rommates had moved out and after some long discussion, Christy moved in. He assured me it was nothing and had even talked to her about my place in his life. she talked a good game, but everytime I stayed over, she'd storm out fo the house and go somewhere else, no matter what time it was. She made every excuse in the book not to be around "us" and when confronted told Neil it was because she wanted to be with him, to which he replied he wasn't interested.)
Fort Myers Beach was just what I needed. When we returned, we celebrated Christmas before both heading off our families. He called me Christmas day and I thought things were going well. I couldn't have been happier. I had talked to him about actually "dating" (making it formal, I guess), but hadn't gotten a response. his actions though definately showed an interest. However, upon returning to Greensboro, things had changed. he and Christy had gone out an bought furniture together. He wanted her to be happy there and was making every concession to "make his life less of a hassle". unfortunately this meant spending less time with me, which he didn't without so much as blinking. From then on, it was a losing struggle onmy part until she finally won him over to him dating her last December.
I know many of you have heard this story over and over again from me. I guess I try and analyze it to see what happened, what went wrong, what I need to learn in order to move on...but I always come up blank. While, as you can probably tell, he was a horrible semblance of a boyfriend (didn't really have a good grasp on the romance part of relationships - although my little girl and guy bag I got my Christmas presents in, and the pearl drop earrings were a good start...2 weeks before he ran away! :) ), he was for almost four years one of my best friends. It's so hard to lose, not only someone you love as a soulmate, but some one you loved for so long as a friend. It's also tough to know that while it tears you to pieces every day that goes by that you two aren't close or speaking, he goes on with life as if nothing has changed, and actually has gotten better. There is no hole in him to be filled.
I am surprised I got through the day yesterday without crying, or breaking down and calling, or sending a card via email, but I didn't. I guess somewhere I hope he wanted me to remember and hoped he ached, just a little when I didn't. But, last night, when I lay down to sleep, I was overcome with terrible muscle cramps and stomach ache, with no just cause. (Oh, and the Neil and chirsty nightmares...can't forget those.) It happened again today as I thought of him. I guess it's a guilt reaction. (I tend to physically display emotional stress, more than personality displays of stress.) But i guess it doesn't matter how I got through it, just that I did. And maybe it's true when they say each day and special event gets easier and eventually I will forget. Eventually.
I might Blog tomorrow and I might not. I am off to Dallas for the NATA convention until Tuesday night. I'll try to write more Wednesday.
June 11, 1997 my mom and I began the drive to North Carolina. It was 2 weeks after my graduation form Salisbury and I was to start an Athletic Training Assistantship the following week, working summer camps. The Head Trainer at the time, Jaime Perez(pronounced Hi-Me) had set me up with the Assistant Softball coach, who needed a roommate. I was taking alot of ribbing from people before I graduated for living with a softball coach, as...well, we all know the stereotype. :) Mom and I got to my "new house" at about 1:45am. We unloaded enough of the stuff we had in my car to get through until the morning and headed with Maverick (I believe) inside. After getting ready for bed, we curled up on the floor of what was to be my room and tried to sleep. About 5 minutes after hitting the floor, the phone rang. The answering machine picked up and a male voice came on..."Hey! Where the *#($ are you? It's after two, you should be home from work. Well, I guess you're out with some man! Just wanted to call. I'll talk to ya later." i8t was obviously being placed from a bar and obviously not "just a friend". I smiled. My new roommate was not a stereotypical softball player.
I got to meet Tara the next morning. She looked just the same as the pictures in the house and was more than willing to give us directions to where we wanted to go. She had to work all day, then, she said she was throwing a party at her "friend's" house for his birthday. Her friend Courtney picked me up later that evening and off we went. After meeting everyone there, up the sidealk came Tara and a guy about her height with a Tommy Lasorda belly. I remember thinking he was not at all what I expected and Tara seemed prettier than he was. It turns out he had just retruned from Philadelphia, so we talked a little about that, and when they all were headed out to the bars, I opted for home with mom. And so went my first encounter with William Neil Avent.
Over the next 7 months, I spent alot of time on that deck. On the nights Tara worked, she'd send me over to Neil's so he wouldn't be by himself for dinner and neither would I. after dinner, we'd meet Tara and their group of friends at the bar/laundramat where she worked. Most of the group were coaches of spring sports, so the plan changed a little in the spring for them and after working Men's Soccer and Women's Basketball and having an emotionally draining first year, I welcomed the springtime break; and the nights grilling and drinking on Neil's porch.
Come summer, I worked alot of camps. One particular one was a two week camp in Virginia to fill in for Jaime, who had just accepted a job in Louisiana and was leaving before it began, followed by a week at home. Upon my return (one week prior to pre-season soccer beginning), Tara told me she had applied, interviewed for and accepted the Head coaching job at Austin Peay in Tennessee. She left just after my 22nd birthday. So, we had hired a new assistant because once I came in, the new one was fired, and that assistant was now the head trainer. She and I decided to move in together. She didn't want to live in my house (b/c it didn't have A.C.), didn't want to live in her place (as it was a 20 minute drive into work every day), but decided she wanted to live in Neil's complex, as the townhouses were nice, spaceous, cheap, a 5 minute walk to work, and all UNCG staff or faculty. So, we moved in the first week of October. Neil and I had been spending all our time together, along with some of our friends. Tara's leaving thinned out the group a little and people started going their own way. But, not us. We found we had a lot in common and very similar tastes.
In November, Neil's secretary broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been living with for 6 years, and she began spending alot of time with us, but especially him. The tricky thing was, during most of her pushing for a relationship, he was pursuing me. I was having difficulty with the dating an ex-roommate's boyfriend, so I kept deflecting the advances and it didn't affect our relationship. I stood by him through the fighting as he and Tara battled to figure out if they should stay together or not (he wanted to, she didn't - but she didn't want to let him go either), through Christy's pushing for a relationship and his confusion for each, as well as pursuing of other women. He gave advice and listened as I talked about my crush on one of his baseball players, my adjusting to the new trainng room situation, the every chaging rumors about me (most of which were absurd and funny), my "forceful cuddling" incident, and various friend issues (like Bridget and Chris - my then roommate). Once he'd "dealt" with Christy and Tara, we found we were spending almost all our free time together and with not many others.
This time together culminated with a trip to Fort Myers Beach. Neil had to go for a December clinic/camp he was working and I was having bad winter blahs. He suggested I buy a ticket and go with him. So, I did.
(In the time prior, two of his rommates had moved out and after some long discussion, Christy moved in. He assured me it was nothing and had even talked to her about my place in his life. she talked a good game, but everytime I stayed over, she'd storm out fo the house and go somewhere else, no matter what time it was. She made every excuse in the book not to be around "us" and when confronted told Neil it was because she wanted to be with him, to which he replied he wasn't interested.)
Fort Myers Beach was just what I needed. When we returned, we celebrated Christmas before both heading off our families. He called me Christmas day and I thought things were going well. I couldn't have been happier. I had talked to him about actually "dating" (making it formal, I guess), but hadn't gotten a response. his actions though definately showed an interest. However, upon returning to Greensboro, things had changed. he and Christy had gone out an bought furniture together. He wanted her to be happy there and was making every concession to "make his life less of a hassle". unfortunately this meant spending less time with me, which he didn't without so much as blinking. From then on, it was a losing struggle onmy part until she finally won him over to him dating her last December.
I know many of you have heard this story over and over again from me. I guess I try and analyze it to see what happened, what went wrong, what I need to learn in order to move on...but I always come up blank. While, as you can probably tell, he was a horrible semblance of a boyfriend (didn't really have a good grasp on the romance part of relationships - although my little girl and guy bag I got my Christmas presents in, and the pearl drop earrings were a good start...2 weeks before he ran away! :) ), he was for almost four years one of my best friends. It's so hard to lose, not only someone you love as a soulmate, but some one you loved for so long as a friend. It's also tough to know that while it tears you to pieces every day that goes by that you two aren't close or speaking, he goes on with life as if nothing has changed, and actually has gotten better. There is no hole in him to be filled.
I am surprised I got through the day yesterday without crying, or breaking down and calling, or sending a card via email, but I didn't. I guess somewhere I hope he wanted me to remember and hoped he ached, just a little when I didn't. But, last night, when I lay down to sleep, I was overcome with terrible muscle cramps and stomach ache, with no just cause. (Oh, and the Neil and chirsty nightmares...can't forget those.) It happened again today as I thought of him. I guess it's a guilt reaction. (I tend to physically display emotional stress, more than personality displays of stress.) But i guess it doesn't matter how I got through it, just that I did. And maybe it's true when they say each day and special event gets easier and eventually I will forget. Eventually.
I might Blog tomorrow and I might not. I am off to Dallas for the NATA convention until Tuesday night. I'll try to write more Wednesday.
*Meant to do this last night, but I busied myself exhausted yesterday. :)
NOT A DAY GOES BY
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, (my) head against (your) heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY NEIL. (one day late)
NOT A DAY GOES BY
Got a picture of you I carry in my heart
Close my eyes to see it when the world gets dark
Got a memory of you I carry in my soul
I wrap it close around me when the nights get cold
If you asked me how I'm doin' I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
I still wait for the phone in the middle of the night
Thinkin' you might call me if your dreams don't turn out right
And it still amazes me that I lie here in the dark
Wishin' you were next to me, (my) head against (your) heart
If you asked me how I'm doing I'd say just fine
But the truth is baby, if you could read my mind
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
Minutes turn to hours, and the hours to days
Seems it's been forever that I've felt this way
Not a day goes by that I don't think of you
After all this time you're still with me it's true
Somehow you remain locked so deep inside
Baby, baby, oh baby, not a day goes by
HAPPY 35th BIRTHDAY NEIL. (one day late)
Monday, June 10, 2002
Hi Everyone! I was going to write Saturday night, but I've been so tired. My mom's relatives from Kentucky came up to attend my cousin Josh's wedding. the wedding, was absolutley beautiful. It was my first time attending a double wedding and eveything went off without a flaw. (Just don't look for ME to get married double, if I do! :) ) Yesterday, we had a cookout, played basketball, and had a family cookout horseshoe tournamnet! (You can do that with 23 people! :) ) so, needless to say, I'm exhausted. Sleeping on an air mattress for three days doesn't lead to alot of great night's sleep either.
The one thing I decided this weekend...I can't stand certain things about my family. I don't mean my extended family..I mean the four of us. We'll start with Jill (Dad will lead us in a whole different direction, so we'll save him for later.). First of all, the whole relationship between Jill and Trish gets to me every now and then. Saturday, Jill went to see Trish's new apartment in Manyunk. She left from the reception and booked down there for a night of drinking and debauchery as only a group of girls in a city of young people and a famous bike race can find. When she left, Jill said she'd be back Sunday for our cookout. We heard from Jill exactly once at 11pm to tell us she was gonna stay another hour or so and then come home. She got in about 1:30/2am. Somehow, it just seems...well, I want to say irresponsible, but I don't know if that's exactly right. She's very selfish like this and I guess, being such a non-selfish person (almost to fault) not only do I not understand people like this, but find they push every button I have. :)
Now, on to Dad. By the end of Saturday night, I was ready to throttle him with the wedding cake! He was upset and I got to hear about 1) how he missed his nap 2) why was this so long 3) how long do we have to stay and various comments - usually started with the phrase "Oh geez" about my mother. At the reception, we tried to get our family together for a picture, since all of my mom's brothers, nieces and nephews, and parent's were in attendance and dressed up! He hates these things. So, he began complaining and then kept yelling (well, stating loudly and sharply) at me to find everyone, which is what I was doing while he was telling me to do it. However, he always wanted me to go right to get so-and-so when I was going left to get so-and-so and then got mad b/c I "wasn't listening to him", when in actuality I had a plan. Did he want to hear it? nope. So did I bother telling him after awhile? Nope. The straw was actually during the picture. He began yelling (again just agitated sharply and loudly) at my mom who was on the other side of me about the camera not working, while she was talking to her brother about the camera not working. Instead of trying to tell him in front of my grandpop and whatever other family members were around us, I just said (maybe a little agitated at the way he would talk to her in front of other people) "Dad, she's got it". To which he raised his voice and told me not to yell at him, (to which I told him I wasn't yelling and that she was talking to my uncle about it, but I had to yell it b/c he was yelling at me over it) then went on to talking about how she's not paying attention and blah, blah, blah. Throttle him! :)
It was only by the grace of my dad's impatience I didn't sit and miss Neil during the wedding. It hit me at times, and I must admit during the reception I thought about him often and wished he was there, or that's I'd be talking to him after the wedding or something, but not often. Neil would probably not have talked to me the way he talked to mom, but he definately would have complained about having to be there. Maybe not during the being there (although he would've made it clear by body language any time would be fine to leave), but he would've let me know it ahead of time. Making sure to make it seem like a great sacrifice he was making to be with me b/c I asked him. The constant complaining about his life I do not miss. The part about it that gets me is that it doesn't seem like he complains anymore. About life or anything else. Happily married bliss.I also had mixed emotions about that. Part of me would get sad about the possibility of Neil and Christy sitting at that head table smiling and doing that annoying kissing when people clink glasses and the other part of me thinks they deserve to be stuck with each other for life! If she wanted that complaining in her life, by george she should have it! (reminds me ofthat email about the three women who went to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate and tells them they'll be chained for eternity to another based on how they lived their lives. The first woman is chained to an ugly man for the sins she commited in life. The second woman is chained to a similarly ugly man. The third woman approaches St. Peter and he chains her to gorgeous young man. When she comments on this, the man says (something like) "I was a horrible sinner".) (and he should be stuck being drug around everywhere and well...treated the way she treats people b/c he chose it.)
In any case, as mom and I say there are ants and there are grasshoppers. Mom has learned the art of living with grasshoppers. As for me, I just keep getting annoyed! Can't you pull the wings off them or something? :) Just holding my breath and muddling through. Can't be here forever. And is we all stay together much longer...we may not last forever! :)
Gonna go to bed. I'm tired. Just a bit of warning to anyone who still reads me...Tomorrow is Neil's birthday. I didn't send him a card, email, or anything. I'm trying to stick to my guns. It'll be hard, and tomorrows blog may be very emotional, so bear with me. (With the way I grieve for him, you'd think he died instead of just left me.)
The one thing I decided this weekend...I can't stand certain things about my family. I don't mean my extended family..I mean the four of us. We'll start with Jill (Dad will lead us in a whole different direction, so we'll save him for later.). First of all, the whole relationship between Jill and Trish gets to me every now and then. Saturday, Jill went to see Trish's new apartment in Manyunk. She left from the reception and booked down there for a night of drinking and debauchery as only a group of girls in a city of young people and a famous bike race can find. When she left, Jill said she'd be back Sunday for our cookout. We heard from Jill exactly once at 11pm to tell us she was gonna stay another hour or so and then come home. She got in about 1:30/2am. Somehow, it just seems...well, I want to say irresponsible, but I don't know if that's exactly right. She's very selfish like this and I guess, being such a non-selfish person (almost to fault) not only do I not understand people like this, but find they push every button I have. :)
Now, on to Dad. By the end of Saturday night, I was ready to throttle him with the wedding cake! He was upset and I got to hear about 1) how he missed his nap 2) why was this so long 3) how long do we have to stay and various comments - usually started with the phrase "Oh geez" about my mother. At the reception, we tried to get our family together for a picture, since all of my mom's brothers, nieces and nephews, and parent's were in attendance and dressed up! He hates these things. So, he began complaining and then kept yelling (well, stating loudly and sharply) at me to find everyone, which is what I was doing while he was telling me to do it. However, he always wanted me to go right to get so-and-so when I was going left to get so-and-so and then got mad b/c I "wasn't listening to him", when in actuality I had a plan. Did he want to hear it? nope. So did I bother telling him after awhile? Nope. The straw was actually during the picture. He began yelling (again just agitated sharply and loudly) at my mom who was on the other side of me about the camera not working, while she was talking to her brother about the camera not working. Instead of trying to tell him in front of my grandpop and whatever other family members were around us, I just said (maybe a little agitated at the way he would talk to her in front of other people) "Dad, she's got it". To which he raised his voice and told me not to yell at him, (to which I told him I wasn't yelling and that she was talking to my uncle about it, but I had to yell it b/c he was yelling at me over it) then went on to talking about how she's not paying attention and blah, blah, blah. Throttle him! :)
It was only by the grace of my dad's impatience I didn't sit and miss Neil during the wedding. It hit me at times, and I must admit during the reception I thought about him often and wished he was there, or that's I'd be talking to him after the wedding or something, but not often. Neil would probably not have talked to me the way he talked to mom, but he definately would have complained about having to be there. Maybe not during the being there (although he would've made it clear by body language any time would be fine to leave), but he would've let me know it ahead of time. Making sure to make it seem like a great sacrifice he was making to be with me b/c I asked him. The constant complaining about his life I do not miss. The part about it that gets me is that it doesn't seem like he complains anymore. About life or anything else. Happily married bliss.I also had mixed emotions about that. Part of me would get sad about the possibility of Neil and Christy sitting at that head table smiling and doing that annoying kissing when people clink glasses and the other part of me thinks they deserve to be stuck with each other for life! If she wanted that complaining in her life, by george she should have it! (reminds me ofthat email about the three women who went to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate and tells them they'll be chained for eternity to another based on how they lived their lives. The first woman is chained to an ugly man for the sins she commited in life. The second woman is chained to a similarly ugly man. The third woman approaches St. Peter and he chains her to gorgeous young man. When she comments on this, the man says (something like) "I was a horrible sinner".) (and he should be stuck being drug around everywhere and well...treated the way she treats people b/c he chose it.)
In any case, as mom and I say there are ants and there are grasshoppers. Mom has learned the art of living with grasshoppers. As for me, I just keep getting annoyed! Can't you pull the wings off them or something? :) Just holding my breath and muddling through. Can't be here forever. And is we all stay together much longer...we may not last forever! :)
Gonna go to bed. I'm tired. Just a bit of warning to anyone who still reads me...Tomorrow is Neil's birthday. I didn't send him a card, email, or anything. I'm trying to stick to my guns. It'll be hard, and tomorrows blog may be very emotional, so bear with me. (With the way I grieve for him, you'd think he died instead of just left me.)
Tuesday, June 04, 2002
friends, Romans, countrymen....Guess that ones been used already. Anyway, just wanted you all to know I went to the Doctor today. Here's the results:
1) I have asthma...but we knew that - whole reason I went to the Dr. to begin with.
2) I haven't been to this Dr. since 1994 when I had Helen Keller disease (if you want a description, I'll email it to ya. :) )
3) The little lima bean sized things on the right side of my neck are not weird alien bugs that have burrowed under my skin and have colonized, but lymph nodes that are inflammed from my head rash (remember that one?)
4) My records from 7 years ago are in the basement and (apparently) water damaged. They weren't exactly sure, but there was mildew on them, so they didn't look inside. (26 years of my life rotting away in some basement :( )
5) Got Drugs. Drugs are good. Drugs are our friends. Drugs will entitle me to enjoy nature all summer without a box of kleenex and an inhaler attached to my hip.
6) Weird headaches are not normal. Should disappear with the drugs.
7) Lost 10 pounds since my last visit to my N.C. Dr. about a year ago! :) YEA!
8) And last....I'm doing pretty well for going through a "divorce". We talked about it...he thinks I'm doing well all things considered. Didn't get around to the nightmares, but I'm sure that's o.k. too.
Well, gotta go to bed. Gotta go "learn" again tomorrow. Don't know what's new to learn OR how two people can fit into a little office trying to accomplish anything, but more on that tomorrow. 'Night.
1) I have asthma...but we knew that - whole reason I went to the Dr. to begin with.
2) I haven't been to this Dr. since 1994 when I had Helen Keller disease (if you want a description, I'll email it to ya. :) )
3) The little lima bean sized things on the right side of my neck are not weird alien bugs that have burrowed under my skin and have colonized, but lymph nodes that are inflammed from my head rash (remember that one?)
4) My records from 7 years ago are in the basement and (apparently) water damaged. They weren't exactly sure, but there was mildew on them, so they didn't look inside. (26 years of my life rotting away in some basement :( )
5) Got Drugs. Drugs are good. Drugs are our friends. Drugs will entitle me to enjoy nature all summer without a box of kleenex and an inhaler attached to my hip.
6) Weird headaches are not normal. Should disappear with the drugs.
7) Lost 10 pounds since my last visit to my N.C. Dr. about a year ago! :) YEA!
8) And last....I'm doing pretty well for going through a "divorce". We talked about it...he thinks I'm doing well all things considered. Didn't get around to the nightmares, but I'm sure that's o.k. too.
Well, gotta go to bed. Gotta go "learn" again tomorrow. Don't know what's new to learn OR how two people can fit into a little office trying to accomplish anything, but more on that tomorrow. 'Night.
Monday, June 03, 2002
Hi Guys! Just wanted you to know I promised not to hate AJ for sending this to me....(it was part of an email)
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
I can't tell yet if this message was good or bad timing. :) Tonight is the annual Spartan Club banquet. I want to be there. I think my heart is there, but I'm not. I was invited, but I couldn't go. Don't get me wrong, I COULD have gone, watched Mike's games this weekend, worked at the Wine sale yesterday, sat tonight and ate dinner staring across the room at Neil and his ugly wife...but I couldn't go.
I've decided tonight I'm old-life sick. Kinda like being homesick, but I'm sick for more than home.This is spurred on by many things. Mostly revolving around...say it with me now...Neil. Usually, by June 3rd I'm racking my brain to find the perfect gift for his birthday in 8 days. I still have the four pictures of his temper tantrum to the umpire during a home game vs. Furman is a photo album upstairs in my room. It was one of his favorite presents. This year, I'm using all my self-control to not buy him or email him a birthday card. For the first time in 5 years, I'll get him nothing. Kinda like some of the presents he's gotten me in the years he's known me. I'm gonna miss it, but in the old way. I wouldn't want to be there now. Causing a fight between the newlyweds, celebrating his birthday while watching her bend over backwards playing happy homemaker and attached to his mom's side. I want to hang out with his friends, goof around with him, or calling and coming over to wake him up at 7a.m. just to open my presents b/c I'm so excited about them. (Almost got smacked the year I pulled that one! :) )
Tonight is also, as you know, the annual Spartan Club banquet. The last two years I organized it. It was alot of work, but the night was always fun. Last year was just exhausting. I was having dress issues, Neil showed up with Christy and, as usual stayed away from me for fear of intruding where he wasn't wanted (only in his mind would coming over and talking with me be unwanted; but I didn't go to him, so he didn't come to me), and with the addition of the auction, my nerves were on end. In my head, I can taste the food, hear the speech (bronze medalist guy from GSO), and see everyone all dressed up sitting in their cliques at the tables.
Yesterday was the annual Wine Warehouse Backyard Sale. this year, it was combined with Dan's going away party. When I began working at the Wine Warehouse, the staff consisted of me, Mark (the owner), Dan (the wine conisseur - but don't say that to his face! :) ), Scott (but only on Saturday),Lisa, and Sue. Sue got a "real job" and deserted us!...but we still loved her! :) Don't know what happened to Lisa, and everyone else was still there when I left. Dan's wife, Marianne got a job near Christina Delaware, so yesterday was his last day. I'm so excited! On one of my days off, I'm gonna try and hunt him down to go to lunch! :) But I miss Mark. I love Mark, Phyllis (his wife), and their kids Rachel and Noah. I miss seeing them every day. They were all such a comfort to me in the last couple of months before I left. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't.
Friday was Mike's debut as a head coach. Mike was offered a job Neil was offered the previous summer, but his boss told him he couldn't take. Mike was offered it this year and took it, with his boss' blessing. I was so excited for him! It will look great on his resume and is something he's always wanted. It also enabled him to stay in Greensboro this summer, close to Kristina. I told him I'm coming to visit. Gonna wear a white t-shirt with "Coach Kramer is My Hero" emblazened upon the front (or maybe the back!). I wanted to be there Friday, but I couldn't.
In the last couple of months, I think perhaps what AJ sent me is true. I think I have become what Neil thought of me. One night, after a series of phone calls, I was banging on his door. How dare he accuse me of something, get mad when I hang up b/c I DON'T care to hear him ramble on about his roommate, call back just to yell at me, then hang up on me when you're through! All started b/c of something I didn't even do! I was angry. Neil told me I was crazy. I began to cry. He really did think I was crazy.
Lately, so do I. I think my subconscious is overrunning my body. My nightmares are back. Stronger than ever. (probably not too uncommon with his b-day and everything coming up) Last night, I tried to hit him with a baseball bat when he told me he was getting married and instead broke down and cried while he laughed at me. Woke up with the poor pulse racing about 120 bpm and feeling like I was sleeping in a sauna (even though most of my sheets had been relegated to the floor and the a.c. and fan were on high. Poor family. I think they're catching colds! :) ). And even thought I'm living...getting up every day, doing stuff, I still find myself feeling that ache that lets me know how much I miss him. And alot more now than the past couple weeks, for some reason, I find myself crying at night before I can figure out why.
As George Strait says (and I don't like him as a rule), "There's a difference between Livin' and Livin' well". And I know I'm livin', I just keep waiting for the livin' well part. And, yes AJ, I am tryin'. There's just only so much tryin' a crazy person can do. :) 'Cuz everyday I get up and go to a job that's nothing I ever wanted to do, something only about 1/4 of me enjoys, and is way beneath what I'm capable of (everyone keeps telling me I gotta start somewhere, but I think what they forget is that I already started...just keep starting over lower and further from where the end is "supposed" to be - and h*ll if I can figure out what I want it to be); I come home every night to have to make dinner and even though I'm sitting in a house full of people, I am alone...just trying to fill the hours till night; Ahh...night - that time of day where my mind jumps up to remind me that everything I want independance, love, security, a job I enjoy (well, he sort of does), surrounded by friends is exactly what Neil has acheived since leaving you. So, maybe AJ's email quote was right. Maybe Living well is really the best revenge. At least one of us knows that feeling.
11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
I can't tell yet if this message was good or bad timing. :) Tonight is the annual Spartan Club banquet. I want to be there. I think my heart is there, but I'm not. I was invited, but I couldn't go. Don't get me wrong, I COULD have gone, watched Mike's games this weekend, worked at the Wine sale yesterday, sat tonight and ate dinner staring across the room at Neil and his ugly wife...but I couldn't go.
I've decided tonight I'm old-life sick. Kinda like being homesick, but I'm sick for more than home.This is spurred on by many things. Mostly revolving around...say it with me now...Neil. Usually, by June 3rd I'm racking my brain to find the perfect gift for his birthday in 8 days. I still have the four pictures of his temper tantrum to the umpire during a home game vs. Furman is a photo album upstairs in my room. It was one of his favorite presents. This year, I'm using all my self-control to not buy him or email him a birthday card. For the first time in 5 years, I'll get him nothing. Kinda like some of the presents he's gotten me in the years he's known me. I'm gonna miss it, but in the old way. I wouldn't want to be there now. Causing a fight between the newlyweds, celebrating his birthday while watching her bend over backwards playing happy homemaker and attached to his mom's side. I want to hang out with his friends, goof around with him, or calling and coming over to wake him up at 7a.m. just to open my presents b/c I'm so excited about them. (Almost got smacked the year I pulled that one! :) )
Tonight is also, as you know, the annual Spartan Club banquet. The last two years I organized it. It was alot of work, but the night was always fun. Last year was just exhausting. I was having dress issues, Neil showed up with Christy and, as usual stayed away from me for fear of intruding where he wasn't wanted (only in his mind would coming over and talking with me be unwanted; but I didn't go to him, so he didn't come to me), and with the addition of the auction, my nerves were on end. In my head, I can taste the food, hear the speech (bronze medalist guy from GSO), and see everyone all dressed up sitting in their cliques at the tables.
Yesterday was the annual Wine Warehouse Backyard Sale. this year, it was combined with Dan's going away party. When I began working at the Wine Warehouse, the staff consisted of me, Mark (the owner), Dan (the wine conisseur - but don't say that to his face! :) ), Scott (but only on Saturday),Lisa, and Sue. Sue got a "real job" and deserted us!...but we still loved her! :) Don't know what happened to Lisa, and everyone else was still there when I left. Dan's wife, Marianne got a job near Christina Delaware, so yesterday was his last day. I'm so excited! On one of my days off, I'm gonna try and hunt him down to go to lunch! :) But I miss Mark. I love Mark, Phyllis (his wife), and their kids Rachel and Noah. I miss seeing them every day. They were all such a comfort to me in the last couple of months before I left. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't.
Friday was Mike's debut as a head coach. Mike was offered a job Neil was offered the previous summer, but his boss told him he couldn't take. Mike was offered it this year and took it, with his boss' blessing. I was so excited for him! It will look great on his resume and is something he's always wanted. It also enabled him to stay in Greensboro this summer, close to Kristina. I told him I'm coming to visit. Gonna wear a white t-shirt with "Coach Kramer is My Hero" emblazened upon the front (or maybe the back!). I wanted to be there Friday, but I couldn't.
In the last couple of months, I think perhaps what AJ sent me is true. I think I have become what Neil thought of me. One night, after a series of phone calls, I was banging on his door. How dare he accuse me of something, get mad when I hang up b/c I DON'T care to hear him ramble on about his roommate, call back just to yell at me, then hang up on me when you're through! All started b/c of something I didn't even do! I was angry. Neil told me I was crazy. I began to cry. He really did think I was crazy.
Lately, so do I. I think my subconscious is overrunning my body. My nightmares are back. Stronger than ever. (probably not too uncommon with his b-day and everything coming up) Last night, I tried to hit him with a baseball bat when he told me he was getting married and instead broke down and cried while he laughed at me. Woke up with the poor pulse racing about 120 bpm and feeling like I was sleeping in a sauna (even though most of my sheets had been relegated to the floor and the a.c. and fan were on high. Poor family. I think they're catching colds! :) ). And even thought I'm living...getting up every day, doing stuff, I still find myself feeling that ache that lets me know how much I miss him. And alot more now than the past couple weeks, for some reason, I find myself crying at night before I can figure out why.
As George Strait says (and I don't like him as a rule), "There's a difference between Livin' and Livin' well". And I know I'm livin', I just keep waiting for the livin' well part. And, yes AJ, I am tryin'. There's just only so much tryin' a crazy person can do. :) 'Cuz everyday I get up and go to a job that's nothing I ever wanted to do, something only about 1/4 of me enjoys, and is way beneath what I'm capable of (everyone keeps telling me I gotta start somewhere, but I think what they forget is that I already started...just keep starting over lower and further from where the end is "supposed" to be - and h*ll if I can figure out what I want it to be); I come home every night to have to make dinner and even though I'm sitting in a house full of people, I am alone...just trying to fill the hours till night; Ahh...night - that time of day where my mind jumps up to remind me that everything I want independance, love, security, a job I enjoy (well, he sort of does), surrounded by friends is exactly what Neil has acheived since leaving you. So, maybe AJ's email quote was right. Maybe Living well is really the best revenge. At least one of us knows that feeling.
Sunday, June 02, 2002
Hi Guys! Just been reading my new Sports Illustrated. It's making me sick. I'm hoping you all have read it, or at least heard some about the latest contorversy surrounding baseball. Steroids.
Maybe I'm a little more sensitive to the Steroid issue having been (well, I guess I still am) an Athletic Trainer. I have seen the statistics and know what steroids does to the body. The thing that gets me the most, is so have they. These ballplayers know what Steroids do to the body. They have seen the statistics, heard about the Lyle Alzado's and seen the physical effects on their body. Bottom line is either one of two things...they want the money OR they want to play. In any case, they think this is the only way. And Major League Baseball allows it! In some cases, they even encourage it. The drug testing they do is a joke! And punishible by nothing. No fines, no sitting, no rehab., nothing!
I can't believe I'm about to say this...but every year I get more and more disillusioned by baseball. The first strike didn't put me off the way it did some people. Some of America is just starting to watch baseball again. Now, they're threatening to strike again. Why? Steroids getting too expensive to buy on a 2 million dollar a year budget? I'm sorry if I have trouble sympathizing, as I may never see 2 million dollars in my lifetime, let alone 2 millions dollars I can blow jetting to Mexico to buy Steroids which inhibit my body's natural functioning AND cause you to hit a homerun, so you can play baseball to make 2 millions dollars to jet to Mexico.
And what if they're not doing steroids? Mark McGwire admitted to being on Andro. Andro is a GNC thing. Not regulated by the FDA, so therefore cannot be banned by the NCAA, IOC, or the professional sports who care enough to test for drugs. But, just because you can sell it in stores, doesn't mean it's safe. Look at Phen-Phen. It was sold as a diet drug over-the-counter and available to anyone. So many years later, they realize all the problems it causes. Just because it's not banned, doesn't make it o.k. to take. Since those "drugs" aren't regualted, they could contain anything!
And Selig sits in his office and claims it's a shame, that he cares, but does he? He doesn't care enough about the player's health to regulate their drug use. (And, for as horrible as it is, at least if they had mandatory surprise drug testing the players would have to cycle their use at least giving the body some time to recover; instead of enduring the chronic use or abuse of Steroids) He doesn't care enough about the fans to mandate a "fair" game. He even claims the fans WANT to see the homeruns and strikeouts, more than they want to see a the game that inspires childhood memories. And the records! I want to see Mickey Mantle's record or Hank Aaron's records broken by a drug user? Do you mean to tell me that hitting 60 homeruns in a season without drugs should be surpassed by someone who has more juice than a Florida orange? I'm sur eI could hit a 95 mile and hour fastball out of a 400 something foot ballpark if you gave me horse juice. And then, I could say I'm better than Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, or Hank Aaron!
As you can tell, the current state of baseball really has me upset. For as hard as Athletic Trainers, Team Physcians, and even coaches work to keep the college playing field somewhat level, in mandating surprise drug testing and proper coaching/playing techniques; the "exceptional" college player gets drafted into a team which immediatly begins teaching Steroid use for hitting and pitching excellence, not to mention how to groove a baseball, or cork a bat. Maybe what Mr. Selig and the baseball community really needs to do is invest in creating a long term alliance between fans and sport, instead of trying to patch a broken relationship by encouraging drug use and cheating as a means of making money. Money. which is what it really all comes down to. Who cares about the health of the players. If they want to use drugs in order to give better performance which will create a fan base and put people in the seats to make money.
There are two things I'd love to see baseball change. Add mandatory drug testing ( like college...surprise -sort of-) and create a salary cap, like the NFL. And if Mr. Selig can't do it...we need to bring in someone who can. they only people, truly with the power to do it are the fans. :)
Hope you all have a good Sunday! Go Phils! :)
Maybe I'm a little more sensitive to the Steroid issue having been (well, I guess I still am) an Athletic Trainer. I have seen the statistics and know what steroids does to the body. The thing that gets me the most, is so have they. These ballplayers know what Steroids do to the body. They have seen the statistics, heard about the Lyle Alzado's and seen the physical effects on their body. Bottom line is either one of two things...they want the money OR they want to play. In any case, they think this is the only way. And Major League Baseball allows it! In some cases, they even encourage it. The drug testing they do is a joke! And punishible by nothing. No fines, no sitting, no rehab., nothing!
I can't believe I'm about to say this...but every year I get more and more disillusioned by baseball. The first strike didn't put me off the way it did some people. Some of America is just starting to watch baseball again. Now, they're threatening to strike again. Why? Steroids getting too expensive to buy on a 2 million dollar a year budget? I'm sorry if I have trouble sympathizing, as I may never see 2 million dollars in my lifetime, let alone 2 millions dollars I can blow jetting to Mexico to buy Steroids which inhibit my body's natural functioning AND cause you to hit a homerun, so you can play baseball to make 2 millions dollars to jet to Mexico.
And what if they're not doing steroids? Mark McGwire admitted to being on Andro. Andro is a GNC thing. Not regulated by the FDA, so therefore cannot be banned by the NCAA, IOC, or the professional sports who care enough to test for drugs. But, just because you can sell it in stores, doesn't mean it's safe. Look at Phen-Phen. It was sold as a diet drug over-the-counter and available to anyone. So many years later, they realize all the problems it causes. Just because it's not banned, doesn't make it o.k. to take. Since those "drugs" aren't regualted, they could contain anything!
And Selig sits in his office and claims it's a shame, that he cares, but does he? He doesn't care enough about the player's health to regulate their drug use. (And, for as horrible as it is, at least if they had mandatory surprise drug testing the players would have to cycle their use at least giving the body some time to recover; instead of enduring the chronic use or abuse of Steroids) He doesn't care enough about the fans to mandate a "fair" game. He even claims the fans WANT to see the homeruns and strikeouts, more than they want to see a the game that inspires childhood memories. And the records! I want to see Mickey Mantle's record or Hank Aaron's records broken by a drug user? Do you mean to tell me that hitting 60 homeruns in a season without drugs should be surpassed by someone who has more juice than a Florida orange? I'm sur eI could hit a 95 mile and hour fastball out of a 400 something foot ballpark if you gave me horse juice. And then, I could say I'm better than Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, or Hank Aaron!
As you can tell, the current state of baseball really has me upset. For as hard as Athletic Trainers, Team Physcians, and even coaches work to keep the college playing field somewhat level, in mandating surprise drug testing and proper coaching/playing techniques; the "exceptional" college player gets drafted into a team which immediatly begins teaching Steroid use for hitting and pitching excellence, not to mention how to groove a baseball, or cork a bat. Maybe what Mr. Selig and the baseball community really needs to do is invest in creating a long term alliance between fans and sport, instead of trying to patch a broken relationship by encouraging drug use and cheating as a means of making money. Money. which is what it really all comes down to. Who cares about the health of the players. If they want to use drugs in order to give better performance which will create a fan base and put people in the seats to make money.
There are two things I'd love to see baseball change. Add mandatory drug testing ( like college...surprise -sort of-) and create a salary cap, like the NFL. And if Mr. Selig can't do it...we need to bring in someone who can. they only people, truly with the power to do it are the fans. :)
Hope you all have a good Sunday! Go Phils! :)
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