I came on tonight with every intention of writing to you a glorious blog about failure, which occurred to me after I wrote the last blog yesterday morning. Unfort., I no longer think that is the case. I have decided to close the blog down until at least Friday or Saturday.

You see, I started this blog with the idea of being witty and funny. Instead, it has become a sort of therapy for me. I write as if no one is reading or sometimes, I write as if I am writing for one specific person I know will be reading. I enjoy knowing I have an outlet for my emotions and thoughts and that as one person put it "I can keep up with what's going on with Jenn by reading the blogs". I had hoped that maybe, if I wrote the "emotional" stuff, that my time with each of my friends, either by phone or email or in person could be reserved for their "stuff". Whatever they wanted to share or was important in their lives was first b/c they already knew what was going on in mine.

In any case, in light of some recent conversations, I don't really feel like anyone much cares to read what I feel. If I have to edit what I write and not write what I feel, then my "therapy" has ceased to become therapeutic. In which case, what good is the therapy? :) So, please check again Friday or Saturday to see the latest blog. I just think, I need to be "alone" for a little while.

I hope you all have a good week.

"Everybody needs a little time away...."

Hi All! Happy Saturday!

I discovered last night I have a rash...on my head. Just something you can add to the weird things that usually plague my body! :) I discovered this last night. Earlier this month, I had a little bump on the right side of my neck just next to the hairline in the back. So, I began to pick at it...because that's what you do with these things. :) Well, lately it began itching. So, as we were watching the last Flyers game of the season last night, I mentioned it to my mom, who...like a good mom got up and looked at it and said, "It's a rash.". Yuck! Now, my whole head itches. She's claiming it's psycho-somatic, but it DID itch before she told me about it. So, where exactly did this rash come from and how do I get rid of it?

Psycho-somatic is a strange phenomenon to me. Dictionary.com states it is "Of or relating to a disorder having physical symptoms but originating from mental or emotional causes." It's amazing to me that the mind is SO powerful it can cause the body to react physically to whatever it is thinking or imagining. It's like Pavlov. I know Pavlov dealt more with conditioning of teaching the mind association which causes physical reaction, but is it really any different? It's funny because as I have gotten older, I've become more Pavlovian in my ways. It mostly occurs with eateries and food places. When I walk into Chili's, I immediately want Southwest eggrolls and a reaspberry iced tea. Even if I try to look at the menu, it doesn't help...my mouth is already salivating. In other ways, with music or places, I often have a sensation or feeling similar to the one I was having the last time I was there or heard the song. So, how closely connected are our emotions with our mind or memory?

I know I have talked before about "signs". Are they really signs, or could they be memory triggers or merely coincidence? Is seeing a bluish-green Altima and hearing 3 songs I equate with a certain someone really a sign? Am I overtly sensitive to these things because I am emotionally in the mindset to see them? Or are they the D.J.'s favorite songs and the Altima is one of the top selling cars in America, specfically in that color? I tend to lean towards #2, with the ever nagging questioning of myself into #3. (So, I vascilate. ;) ) I used to believe in signs, but lately I have become quite cynical of them. If they really are signs, short of a "frying pan to the head" to clarify the meaning, who are we to interpret what it's supposed to mean. And what if Jill's right? What if there are signs we DON'T see that we are supposed to because we're too busy "finding" signs in things we're not supposed to?

And what good are signs if they don't lead us anywhere or just get us lost? Signs have a way of doing that. Not being around when you need them. Stuck in the wrong place so you miss your turn or turn onto a road you didn't need to be on. Or, maybe all the signs were there, but the "directions" you got on how to get there are bad. No matter how hard you look for signs, if you're not on the right road, the signs won't be there.

But what about emotion? That "gut instinct" that tells you this isn't the right way? Even if the directions are leading you, do you listen to your gut in following waht you know is or isn't right, or do you listen to those telling you that what you are doing is "the best way"? On my first day of temping, I got the directions from my temp agency and set off. Having been away for a number of years, I wanted to follow the directions, rather than rely on my memory and wind up lost and late, b/c I tried to do it alone. So, I started out. There is a point in N.J on 295 that splits into 2 lanes....one for 295 and one for 42. Now, I was almost positive that in order to get to 55 I needed to take 42, but the directions said 295 to 55, so that's the way I went. I called at one point, feeling as though I was too far "off the beaten path", but they assured me that although it felt that way I needed to just follow the directions. So I drove on. When I got to the sign that said "Last Exit before Del Mem Bridge" I knew I was almost in Delaware and that I had gone too far. I called them again and told them where I was, "Oh Jenn. We're so sorry. You were supposed to take 42." Was it on the directions? No. So, how was I - who had never been here before - to know? "We just know to go that way. We didn't think we needed to write it down." Now, it was nice that she called back later to apologize again. And it was good she felt bad for leading me astray, but how was she to know how I felt when she "directed" me? Did she know I hated the idea of temping? Did she know it was all I could do not to call in and quit before I even got there? Did she know how frustrated I was because I was lost and ignored my gut to follow her "directions"?

I felt the same way about moving home. "It'll be good for you." "You need this." "You're going to be o.k." "Things will be so much better there." My gut kept telling me, "You're nuts. Jenn, you know better. This WILL NOT be good for you. Neil was right, you know, you would be miserable moving back home. It's not right for you. You're making a wrong turn." But, in the end, the directions won out. I didn't know where I was going. I had no other choice but to follow the directions. So, here I am. My gut has stopped speaking. I think it's tired of being ignored. I don't have any directions from here and I'm looking for the signs to get me where I'm supposed to be. Unfort., I don't think I'm on the right road to see the signs I need, so I may just drive forever down this road; looking for signs that aren't there, hoping by some miracle I end up on a road that will take me to a place I can see the signs...before I'm too late for wherever I'm supposed to be.

So, mind over body? Body over mind? Which controls which? I like to think of it a bit like politics. Which one has the veto power? Do emotions control our minds? Or do our minds control our emotions? Can our emotions convince our minds to create a rash so the person knows there is something wrong? Or do we get a rash and it itches for some reason not related to anything emotional? I can tell you all I know...I have a rash on my head and it itches. I don't care what caused it, but I want the cause and the itching to go away, and not to come back. Maybe the rash is an emotional interpretation after all.

I HATE teen shows! Just thought I'd start there. Just got done watching Felicity. I kinda liked it and kinda didn't. So....

For those of you who don't watch Felicity, I'll give you a basic premise, so you'll understand. The show began when Felicity trekked across country to follow her high school crush, Ben. Lots of stuff happened in the middle...including her best friend, Noel. The last couple weeks we've been edging toward their college graduation. Ben and Felicity got engaged; Ben found out he was gonna be a father, by a woman, Lauren, he had a one-night fling with while he and Felicity were "on a break"; Lauren decided to move to Arizona; Ben decided to follow Lauren and his son, Andrew; Felicity decided she couldn't do it and went home to California. At the end of the show tonight, they show Felicity 6 months later in medical school at Stanford writing a letter to Ben. Then, Ben shows up, tells Felicity he just enrolled and has convinced Lauren to move to California as well, because "it was his turn" to follow her.

I cried. If you guys haven't figured it out yet...I cry alot. This really baffles me because #1 people shouldn't cry this much and #2 I HAVE NOT EVER cried this much and certainly not over stupid things like t.v. shows (or commercial, or songs on the radio, or thoughts in my head)...NEVER. (And for you who lived through Ryan...I don't think I cried like this, as often, for as long, with such a profound effect on the other areas of my life...like watching t.v.) All that said, here's my thoughts for the night...(OH my..."Straight Tequila Night" just came on the t.v./radio. Wow! )

I never used to watch Felicity. The idea of trekking your life across country for a guy you had a crush on, but nothing else seemed a ridiculous notion. I knew people DID it, but I was not one of those people. I mean, how desperate! To some extent I guess I still feel that way. When Neil asked me to move to Atlanta with him, I would've gone in a heartbeat. (He didn't end up going) No questions asked. Just picked up and left; but I always had the plan to live in my own place and not move until I had a job. That said, I completely understand when, at the end of the show, Felicity said to Ben before they parted, "All day all I've been thinking is 'Follow Ben'...and I think I would follow you anywhere." I would have. Life without Neil seemed worse a thought than leaving a low-paying job I liked and the little friends I had remaining to move to a new place with him. I couldn't imagine life without him. And I would've followed him anywhere, because wherever he was, to me, felt like home. (I don't think I could've explained it then, but I know now.)

Another cutsie phrase they used often was the old..."If it was meant to be, it'll be" phrase. I've decided whoever coined that one was definately a Type B personality. This may sound funny coming from a girl who's spent the last 6 or 7 months doing pretty much nothing, but HOW can you just lay you life in the hands of fate/destiny/God, etc. and just hope things work out? I guess when it comes to faith, my thoughts are oxymoronic. If you asked me if I believe in any of the above, I'd say yes without hesitation. Do I believe in them where my life is concerned? Hard to say. I believe God controls our life. (Apparently this is a Baptist thing.) That no matter what I do God has my life in his hands. Almost like a judge, deciding what to throw in my life at any given moment. That said, I also feel if I fight hard enough for what I want it'll be rewarded. Lately, I guess I feel as though there is no fate or destiny and, while I still pray even night (more like a conversation), I feel as though "meant to be" doesn't equate with happiness. (not happiness and getting what I want...just happiness) God, I have always been taught, hurts when we hurt and eases suffering if he is asked, but after 6 months I have begun to question him on this one. I am not the most patient person in the world, but I don't know that waiting for "my plan" would be so hard if there was some glimmer of hope it would get better than this.So, I spend my emotions fighting and caring. It may seem like swimming with all your might against the current or speeding in the wrong direction, but at least you are DOING something. This sitting idely around until "the time is right" and it's "meant to be" SUCKS! It seems like very rarely in T.V. show called life does Ben come back, Felicity finds "her calling", and things have happy endings.

Now, on a less emotional level. The medical school things seems interesting to me. How come when people don't know what to do with their life, they go back to school? I must admit I've been thinking about it alot. I would love to be an ER doctor. I've said it since my Senior year in college. I can't really think of a better job for a humanitarian Type A personality. You have adreneline, control, and a purpose. I have a knack fro thriving in pressure situations. I enjoy helping people and making them feel better. After the dreamer part of me gets done...I jump into rationale. Med school IS SCHOOL! I am NOT a real good student. Bright, yes. Non-ADD, no. It has always been hard for me to sit and read dry, scientific stuff. I think of 20 million things I could do instead, my mind wanders SO easily (and I have a terrific imagination). I always did well going to classes and hands-on. It's not like this has been a lifelong dream I'm working towards, just a facination combined with things I'm good at. (obviously, English and ending sentances in prepostions are not it! ;) ) Plus, for those of you who knew me pre-lifecrisis...I LOVE to sleep! Those residencies and intern years would KILL me! Then you add in the 7 years of school and MOUNDS of debt; is it worth it to try out something I THINK I might be good at. I'd be 33 before I got out! Ancient! :) I HAVE been looking at jobs within the hospital so I could try it out. (I can't afford right now to volunteer, or I would. Maybe soon, though.) I tried rationalizing this one night. If I could afford it and KNEW (better than an annoying haunting) by 28, I could still be done by 35. Maybe...but it seems like alot to get into for a 26/7 year old.

O.k. It's probably appropriate "Movin' On" just came on for this part. I don't understand why Felicity was so sad at the prospect of college graduation. Maybe it was my lack of outpouring of emotion (that I've become so good at lately), but I don't remember being sad. (Hey Kare...do you think it's my denial factor? :) ) My friends in the A.T. program graduated 2 years before me. My roommate (I had 2 at the time, but one friendship was on the rocks b/c of my kitchen habits) and one of my best friends graduated a year ahead of me. And when I graduated, I knew I was headed to N.C., while my college friends were mostly staying in MD. I think part of it was that I knew where I was headed (I'll get to that later). I was excited about "Moving on". I was headed to a new town, to meet new people, with all sorts of wonderful possibilities in front of me. Why should I be sad? And all the people who moved on with me and before me? I was excited for them. They were going on to great things. This was the plan when we came to college - 4years, then off into "life". You don't create bonds like the ones I had with these people and just let them dissipate. I KNEW they would always be there. Whether it was an everyday phone conversation or email or 3 months down the road because I needed them, or they needed me. More and more I think it was the going towards something and the idea of possibilities. When I left Greensboro, I left most of me there. I remember packing. With everything I wrapped I cried. Despite the heartache and lonliness there, it was my home. I had "put down roots" , I had some friends, and most of all, it was where I lived. The day I left I couldn't even looking Mike in the eye. I knew I would start crying like a baby and I didn't want to do that. He leaned over to hug me and said, "You are gonna be alright" God, how I wish I believed that. I knew where I was headed...and I didn't like it. I wasn't headed toward something, I was running from something. And I had no possibility. What would I do there? The rude people, no sweet tea, no baseball outside my window, no leaving my bathroom to turn black if I wanted to...people have a tendancy to get "stuck" here, so I knew coming back was not right, but what were my options? Neil used to say, when I was frustrated and said maybe I'd just go home, "Jenn, you'd be miserable if you went back to Jersey. This is your home." He was right...on both accounts. It's hard to leave somewhere/something that's yours for the nothingness that lies ahead.

The last one is kind of ironic. I called a friend of mine on my way home tonight and she told me a friend of hers was getting married. Not only was it to a girl he'd been dating for only 6 months, but she had a 5 year-old son. Then, Felicity has to deal with a similar situation. I understand people do this alot, but I don't think I could. If it was my second marriage, maybe, but not for my first. I am a very selfish person. Not so much in the things I do, or the way I feel generally about people, but I need to have my "alone" things. The idea of sharing my "new" husband with a woman to whom he had ties because of a child would take alot of convincing. I want to start "our" life together as just that...our life. Not one with the constant interruption of "her". And, given my present state of mind, to know that he could at any time walk away from me, but she would always be part of his life because of their child. I want to start free and clear with as many minimal distractions as possible and not have to "fight" with another woman for the "interest" of my husband. Maybe that's not explained well, but I think you all get the jist.

The next 4 episodes of Felicity are going to be interesting. It shows Felicity with Ben and then focuses on what she wishes she'd done different in those 4 years. If only, in hindsight, we could go back and change the decisions we've made which bring us to where we are today. And would the change necessarily be for the better?

Well, in a non-T.V. related train of thought, I got my car inspected today. It took 3 people to scrape the N.C. Inspection Sticker off my car. And now, all that remains are some old registration papers and memories. :)

My "boss" took the whole office to lunch today...in Pitman. This is where Ryan used to live. I've been thinking about him alot since I've moved back. He is supposed to graduate this May with his doctorate. I haven't seen or talked to him since Mardi Gras 2000. He's was bald then; shaves his head to keep it from being as obvious. It's funny to look back and wonder where we'd be if we really had lived "his dream" and gotten married. I'm sure I'd be a high school trainer in the Pitman area with 2 or 3 kids and perfectly happy. I wouldn't have known any better than what I had, and it would've been enough. Now that I know, I look back and know if you dropped ME (now) into then I wouldn't have been happy. Someone, please remember this, so in 10 years when I, hopefully, look back on now I know if I'd stayed in N.C. I wouldn't be happy. :)

Sorry Mame, no Carrie Bradshaw questions today. Maybe tomorrow. Now, I gotta get to bed. The spots under my eyes are feeling a bit moist. :) I hope you all have a good day!

Hi All!

It's a lovely fall/winter day here in Jersey. Can't get used to this weather. Luckily for me, I'm getting smarter and instead of putting away ALL my cold weather clothes, I only put away the most severe weather clothes! :)

So, I'm tooling along this new way my sister has me trying out to go to work this morning. I left with PLENTY of time to get to work and maybe even some time extra to stop at WaWa for something to drink. The Evesham police department has hired 10 extra cops to help patrol the crime-ridden city of Marlton, so speeding is out-of-the-question on most roads. Knowing this, I am always extra careful to stay in the 5 MPH over or Speed Limit range - which is not easy for me, b/c I like to drive fast. I also registered my car in NJ on Thrusday and therefore now have NJ plates. I was worried everytime I passed a police car when I had North Carolina plates. I was constantly telling my mom I thought police and stupid drivers were targeting me b/c I was out-of-state. So, I broke down and got rid of my last remaining tie to N.C.

So, there I was tooling along on my way to work at some ungodly hour (8:30am) when I was passed by a police SUV in the opposing traffic lane. The officer passed me, slammed on his brakes, did a U-turn in the middle of the street and proceed quickly to fall in line behind my poor little car. I had been watching my speed because, as I said they've become Nazis and because I saw him coming. I couldn't believe 47 or so would warrant a speeding ticket. I couldn't be very upset though, b/c I was shaking. 8:30 is too early to scare someone. That's how people have heart attacks! :)

The officer was very nice. He came immediately up to my car (didn't make me wait forever like some of them have been known to do) and introduced himself and asked for my license and registration. Then he noticed the pink card on my dashboard. He told me he had pulled me over because I had an out-of-state inspection sticker! Once he looked at my registration, the pink card on my dash, under the inspection sticker from N.C., and my license. He thanked me and told me he was not going to waste any more of my time and sent me on my way. A quick 5 minute distraction...which costs me my WaWa trip :( Once I got done shaking, I wondered...WHO CAN SEE THOSE THINGS?!?!?! The more I thought about it, the more I had questions.

#1 How can you in an SUV drive past an oncoming car and notice it's inspection sticker? Those stickers are about the size of my palm.
#2 Let's give the nice little officer the benefit of the doubt and say they're trained to look for them, doesn't this distract their driving? Our governor is about to pass a law banning cell phone (which I agree with. People here can talk and chew gum at the same time...let alone drive and talk and hold a cell phone), but a police officer can speed by me at 50 miles an hour while he's looking at my driver's side windshield? Who was watching the road straight ahead while he was doing this?
#3 We're gonna give Mr. Police Man another break (he was polite and extremely nice for so early in the morning). Let's say he's talented. Graduated top of his class for distracted driving at the Police Academy. HOW CAN YOU SEE A PALM SIZED INSPECTION STICKER AND NOT A FOREARM SIZED PINK CARD UNDERNEATH IT?!?!??! My thought was he wanted to make sure my 15 days hadn't expired and needed to get close up to see that.

So, can someone please explain to me when Protect and Serve became Harass and Inconvienence? When did driving with a slightly expired inspection sticker become life threatening? Is going 10 miles over the speed limit at 2:30 in the morning when you are 2 blocks from your house hurting anyone? (And let's say they're checking for drunk driving...once they find out the driver isn't drunk, why ticket them?) I've been pulled over one other time. To be honest, I didn't mind. Same type of situation...I had an expired registration sticker, which I didn't realize was expired, since I'd never gotten any paperwork on it's renewal. Anyway, the police on our campus were the ones who pulled me over. I had met a couple of them earlier in the year and they told me they apprehend 90% of drug dealers on campus with expired paperwork. CAMPUS...Not hick back road! :) The kind of ironic thing was it was the day before my surgery...almost 2 years ago exactly from today.

Today at lunch I thought I'd found the most amazing college town. I could not find a Taco Bell ANYWHERE! But then, as I was getting ready to venture into Burger King...I found it! Still, I think it's too far away from campus for drunken 2am walks for food! :)

O.K. Time for my Neil moment of the day. I talked to Scott, my old boss at UNCG today. It was so nice to hear from him. There were some good things to come out of living down there. Anyway, Scott is going through something, in my opinion, worse than my "non-relationship breakup". He sounded wonderful! He's getting better and his attitude sounds great (could be a front...hard to tell over email). He's moving on with his life. I wonder if I'll ever get to that point. I've felt overwhelmed lately. The ache has come back REALLY strong. I miss him SO much everyday. And I still cry. I often feel like those kids from Nightmare on Elm Street. When everyone else goes to bed, I try and find anything I can to stay awake, b/c I know that once that light goes off, the tears flow. I often wonder if he misses me at all. I know it was one-sided emotionally (if he did have feelings for me, then none of what he did makes any sense to me), but you'd think walking away from someone you did everything with for years and never speaking to them again would be terribly difficult. It's the one reason I never understood divorce. How do you love so strong and passionately, then walk away and never give the other person a thought? Maybe it's easier in "non-relationships" than in true relationships, living together, or marriage. Maybe it's easier for some more than others. I guess the only thing to do it (as Chris Cage says) "Breathe in and Breathe out and put one foot in front of the other" and hope eventually, for those of us to whom just walking away isn't so easy the emotions fade, the nights get easier, and the thoughts of those we loved...disappear.

You know...I've been meanign to say this for some time. When I write these things, I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. Now, if only I could have her social life! :) Oh...speaking of which...I am thinking about going to the Spartan Club banquet this year in June. So, I think I'm gonna need a trophy date...and my Trophy Prom date is married (at least from what I hear). It is my firm belief that if you're gonna throw a lamb into the lion's den...at least give them ONE place to hide! :)

Only one more hour of work left! YEA! Luckily, I just threw Kenny Chesney in the CD player...should get me through my horrible tmep work. I was not meant to be 1) a construction worker 2) a housewife 3) a temp!

Hope you all have a good day/night!

I've been thinking all day about what to write. I got nothin! So, I'm just gonna write...we'll see where it leads. I always thought "brainstorming" when they had us do it in English class was stupid, but here I am years later, doing just that.

My mom, sister, Aunt Jane, cousin Joanna, grandmom and I went to my other cousin Rachel's Bridal Shower. I was not looking forward to this for many reasons. First, we had to drive in one car 1 1/2 hours. Second, driving anywhere with my mother is an adventure. She asks questions she doesn't expect anyone to answer, when she does expect you to answer she doesn't listen to you and then asks everyone else for THEIR answer then does what she was gonna do anyway, AND she's not very organized.(I've decided my patience for unorganized people when there is NO rational reason for being unorganized is VERY short.) Third, the other side of Rachel's family (and to some extent Rachel herself) are very different from us.

The shower was from 2-5pm and a surprise. to MY surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed our trip. I enjoyed the company and even the shower itself. Jill pretty much monopolized the conversation in the car. Once we got to the shower, my Aunt Jane and I got to talk about...well, mostly wedding stuff, but it was very nice. I don't get to talk to her often. My Aunt Jane and Uncle Albert (my mom's "little" brother) have 6 kids. They live fairly close to us, and right around the corner from my grandparents. It seems like we're always getting together for one reason or another, but when you throw 14 people - ages 80 something to 7 in one house, you rarely get to talk one-on-one with another person for any length of time to actually FEEL like a visit. I have always liked my Aunt Jane and I enjoyed the time we got to talk at the shower. We actually made a tentative date for the 5 of us (grandmom might not be up for it) to go shopping soon.

I also enjoyed watching Rachel open her gifts. I was worried about how my ever unpredicatible emotions would react. However, I was filled with genuine happiness for everything Rachel got and that she and Tim and found each other. It also reminded me I'm gonna cry like a baby at their wedding. :)

These feelings, as expected became bittersweet. The Neil emotions hit later that night, but between the exhaustion and the allergy meds., I was out like a light fairly quick. ;) Unfort., they have yet to go away. I keep trying to figure if I miss him for him or just for someone. The more I think about it, the more I realize it is missing him for him. Not so much the listening to him complain about his day, or how bad his life was, or the way he, in these moments, made me feel as if I didn't count. I miss him for the way he understood what I was feeling or how I was thinking. I miss him for the fact I could come home from a bad day at work and he'd make it better. Sometimes, just seeing his face smile at me made it better. He'd crack a joke, smack me playfully on the arse, or suggest going out to eat, which was always the best b/c minus the waiter or waitress, I didn't have to compete with his friends calling or stopping by, his roommate (esp. the succubus one), recruits calling, or the t.v. I got him all to myself for an entire meal! And it would always start with, him asking me about me. I remember the day I was fighting with my mom long-distance and he called. I snapped at him on the phone, which was uncharacteristic for that time in our "relationship", and he grabbed lunch and came right over. When he walked in, I felt instantly better and couldn't even remember what I was so upset about. :) It's these things...especially lately, when I feel so bad most of the time, that I miss him even more.

Well, the weekend ended too soon. Sunday was awful b/c I felt I had to cram 2 days of relaxing into 1 day (well, actually I'd been so exhausted from the previous week, it was a 1/2 day). I wonder if this would be different if I actually enjoyed work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the people (even though the office manager is VERY unorganized and everyone is overworked and stressed trying to reach a deadline) and the basic idea of the company, but copying, filing, data entry...just not my thing. So, I got grudgingly to work each day and the nights don't last long enough. I'm sure alot of working people feel this way, but this is my first experience. :) I loved working for Scott. I was busy some days, and bored stiff other, but I knew I "my role". I knew I could straighten thing, or change things, or spend all day looking for fun sound bites to put on my computer b/c I was part of the office. And they knew me. I miss that too. Most days I think made a mistake coming home.

Well, here's where we ended up. Dad is making dinner tonight, so I get a one day reprieve. YEA! For as much as I love to cook...my heart's just not in it tonight. Tomorrow night...Salmon Cakes! (Yes, Kare...I haven't gotten around to making them yet. Dad doesn't eat salmon and.....OH, remind me to tell you later in this Blog....he won't be here tomorrow night.)

Alright...it's later...WE in this house believe terrorists will hit NYC tomorrow. There have been rumors it will be sometime this week and since Dad is gonna be in NYC tomorrow...we think it will be then and there. You all know his knack for being wherever the action is! :)

I hope everyone is having a good Spring. (rain, 90 degrees, more rain, 75 degrees) More from Jersey later in the week. :)

It's funny the things that pop through your mind on any given day. Thoughts like these, often pop through my head when I'm tired OR have been running around like crazy. I liken them to those awful pop-up ads on the internet. It's just a way of me remind me that I've got something else to do. I usually use this blog to purge feelings, in the hopes that if I write them down or share them, they'll go away. :) So, a Friday Potpourri for your reading....

A friend of mine once said, "Jenn, you have to love your family; you don't have to like them." Somedays this is more true than others. Yesterday was one of those days. I was looking forward to hanging out with Jill and taking in baseball. I had never been to Yankee Stadium and was all set to enjoy my trip. Yet it seems, every excursion with my sister ends the same way. In this case, Jill sat and talked to the gentleman (how weird to call men our age gentlemen) sitting next to her the entire game. So, I sat and watched the game, the fans, etc. Not having anyone to comment on the game with, or point out things in the crowd with. I always think going out with Jill will be different and yet every excursion I end up alone wishing I'd stayed home. (Well, maybe I didn't wish that this time...but it def. isn't as fun watching a baseball game alone.) Somehow things in life just aren't the same when they happen and there's no one around to share them with.

This leads right into point #2 (well at least to me). Neil. I know, I know...heaven forbid I write a journal without his name in it. I miss him. There, I said it. Unfort. Missing him immed. jumps to the fact that all I miss about him he's now sharing with someone else. Maybe similar to the Jill situation in this feeling. It seems like life keeps moving and everyone is sharing the moment with someone...and I'm the third wheel. It jumps right back into all the feelings of "What's wrong with me that these people would rather spend their time with others?". So, needless to say, last night I was right back dreaming of Neil constantly chasing Christy when I'm sitting right there and she's obviously the worst choice of the two. As another friend, in a very different situation once said, "It's like I'm screaming underwater. No one can hear me and I'm yelling as loud as I can." Not a fun feeling.

Next, we move on to Hank. Hank is my mom's friend in New Mexico. And I just gotta ask..."Hank, were you a writer for The Way We Were?" For those of you who haven't seen it, The Way We Were is basically a tale of two people who love each other but find they are not compatible and in the end, go their separate ways in there separate lives loving each other. I HATED this movie!!! I want to know why the things that pierce your heart would turn your life into such horrible upheavel if it wasn't supposed to work out! Why would God want us to love something or someone so much and then rip it away to know it will always go on without you. My old college roommate's theory is appreciation. If we have to go through hard times to get to the good ones we'll appreciate it more. My question is...If you appreciate every site, smell, sound, and feeling in Albequerque (Sorry Hank. Hope I didn't slaughter the spelling too bad!) why would you be granted it, then it doesn't work out. Should you appreciate the fact you even got to be there, if it just leaves you yearning to go back everyday of you life? If nothing else will ever measure up, isn't it better never to have gone in the first place? I'm beginning to think it would be. So, as I read the story of Marla Hanke sent me, I was hanging on the edge of my chair just knowing in my heart the story would end with Marla and Garrett living in N.M., together finally, with jobs and the financial means to support themselves. Guess what? The story ended and Marla is in L.A. and Garret is in Sacramento with no N.M in the immediate future. Such is the story of life; wishes, hopes and dreams and no inkling of them ever coming true. Doesn't mean I have to like it, guess it just means I have to get used to constant disappointment because in all the years and everytime I've watched that STUPID movie, the ending is always the same.

Seeing old friends is always good. My friend Bill came to the baseball game last night. It was nice to catch up and talk about old friends and people we knew. A little akward I must admit. And I'm not quite sure why. We talked about getting together and getting Kare to come up sometime to see us all. :)

O.K. It's almost time for me to go home, so I'm gonna wrap this up with a couple funny moments from last night's game. Well, not from the game itself, but the SSU people in our section. You WON'T see these stories on the website! :) First, our section was packed. This guy came up the aisle from my right and asked the guy 5 seats over if he could get through. So, you know...this started a chain reaction of everyone getting up. You know where his seat was? On the end of the row...right on the aisle. Jill turned to me and said, "Guess he graduated from your school?". So, I hit her with a ball of tin foil! :) Unfort. it rickashayed off her and hit the guy she ended up talking to all night. So he says..."I see. Salisbury girl, are ya?" I put them BOTH on my list! :) The FUNNIEST thing happened in the 8th inning. I had left Jill (Not that she really noticed) to go up and sit with Bill and his friend Laura. As we were sitting there, this guy fell over the seats and tumbled down 20 rows of blue seats. I wouldn't say this was exactly funny at first, but it turns out he was a business student from Salisbury who was there on an officially sponsor school trip. At least, we're pretty sure he was b/c as soon as they escorted him out, the rest of the Salisbury contingent left too. Thing was...he was blitzed! He wasn't hurt in the least, I'm sure, but I'm not so sure about the other unsuspecting fans whose heads he rolled over. Maybe you just had to be there. :) (Or could be...you just had to go to Salisbury to get it!)

Night all!

Jenn

Hi All! The nice people at my temp job showed me where the computer is...big mistake! :) Anyway, this one's gonna be quick, as I'm headed home soon so Jill and I can go to the Yankees game tonight. (Oh, BTW Kare, Bill is going with two gorgeous women...US!)

Today's journal is sponsored by the stupid people at the GAP. I fought today for 20 minutes to remove a security tag from my new white pants because they were too lazy to do it when I bought them. Determined I wouldn't be defeated by a little piece of plastic, I wire-cut, scissored, and screwdrivered to free my pants from capitivity. I WON! YEA ME!

So, for the first 5 minutes I cursed the people at the store for not removing my security tag. The next 5 minutes I cursed the people who found it necessary to steal clothes, forcing stores to put ON security tags, which salespeople had to remove, so I could wear my pants. The last 10 minutes, I went back to the store people. As I was sitting at work, I realized...maybe it's me.

The comment my mom made in the doorway as I was trying to use the lever system I learned in Physics (took the stupid class 2ce and all I learned was levers and gravitational pull. Good for security tags and driving! :) ) was
"Why do these things always happen to you?"

It's funny, she makes the same comment every time my food's wrong in a restaraunt or the seagulls decide that being over my head is a great time to use the "potty". These things do seem to happen quite frequently. I think I finally have an answer...I'm Different. Now, most of you who know me well will not dispute this realization. However, I'm not necessarily talking about personality. I have the knack for finding, "coming down with", inherting, loving and being smack in the middle of the strangest things.

Let's take watches for instance. At home, on my dresser I have a box of 6 or 7 watches. I have taken these watches to get the battery changed, as most of them I only had for one year. But, it seems every time I take them to a jeweler they ask how long I've had the watch and don't believe me when I say "one year". They don't believe it b/c the back is eroded, exposing that nice green color you see on pennies. When they open the watch and test the battery...it works just fine. So, this box of watches is waiting to go to the various makers to see if they can determine the reason my year-old watch stopped.

Next, let's go to illness. Trish will remember the one I fondly call "Helen Keller Disease". One day, I just started talking like Helen Keller. This followed a "killer" sore throat, one trip to the doctor and one trip to the E.R. I went to see my old family doctor who diagnosed a weird rare abcess and rushed me to an oral surgeon before my throat closed and he promptly "lanced" and thus removed my weird disease.

Maybe it's just "coincidence". Maybe it's my body chemistry. Who knows? But, maybe the weird things aren't so bad. They do keep me on my toes AND I have learned that in my life, if it can go wrong AND it's weird and off the wall...it will. :)

GO YANKS! (I can't believe I just said that!) Maybe...GO GIAMBI! is better! :)

Sorry Blog fans...this one's gonna be brief.

I decided about 5 o'clock today that the heart is the stupidest part of the body. It's more stupid than the appendix and the tonsils - which surgeons take out with wild abandon, so we must not need them for anything; and even beats out that little pink thing that hanging in the back of the throat and shakes when you say AHHHH. The heart, without a doubt, beats them all.

I was standing at the copier at my temp job - which had its ups (banana pudding homemade by the boss' wife) and downs (getting the wrong directions and driving an hour out of my way...almost to Delaware) - when a greensih-blue Altima pulled up outside. (For those of you who don't know...Neil's car) My heart, being the stupid organ it it, jumped for joy. It was so excited he would come to see "us" on "our" first day of a new "job" he knew we weren't excited about. My head, being as smart as it is - and sometimes smarter than the average human's, quickly let the heart know it had New Jersey tags AND there was a post office next door. Then it threw in it's editorial "how stupid can you be" comment.

This conversation took place again as I was driving home. It was a beautiful high of 90 degrees with a light breeze blowing through my car windows (o.k. maybe with as fast as I was driving, it was a little more than light). My favorite radio station was playing Escape (the Pina Colada song), so I cranked up the radio and sang along. My head tried hard to enjoy the song, while my heart begged and pleaded. "Drive faster" it said. "UNCG plays Charlotte. We've gotta get to the game." "You remember baseball, Head, don't you?" "The warm air, the parents, hot dogs, the look of the stadium from 'our' seat, the sound of the infield music, the way the flag blows just ever so slightly off the pole, the smell of the grass-freshly cut and dirt freshly watered down. The way we tried so hard to cheer for the guys and the way Neil looks standing out there in his uniform. The way he wanted us there. The way he looked at us. And how after the game, we'd sit on his deck, cook dinner, rehash the game, and go to bed. Remember, Head?"

I've gotta say the heart was convincing. It engaged part of the Head - the memory part, to make it's plea. The memory was strong, the senses were engaged and almost convinced the eyes we were really there. The Head fought back...and then it happened. The head moved the fingers and they reached out and changed the channel. The first button pushed silenced both of them.

"I still wait for the phone; in the middle of the night. Hoping you'll call, if your dreams don't work out right." It was "Not A Day Goes By" by Lonestar. First the tears came. Then the shakes. And finally the sobbing that only comes, as the Head finally convinces the Heart that the Heart really IS the stupidest part of the body. And they both weep at the realization.

Could someone please tell me when I got old?

( Now, before EVERYONE emails me telling me I'm not old yet...read on and let me define.)

It hit me Sunday as I drove to Trish's house for a little mall excursion. (Not reall fun when you have no money or promise of any future income, but it never hurts to look! :) ) First, I was being tailgated by some punk kid on a motorbike who didn't think the 40 MPH posted speed limit through a neighborhood was fast enough. Then, as I sat at the stop sign to turn away from the snot-nosed motorbike heathen, my car began shaking. Not, contrary to belief, from an earthquake, but from the "kid" in the car behind me who figured I wanted to hear and feel his bass as much as he did.

As I finished my drive, I began to try and pinpoint EXACTLY when I became old. It was two weeks before I moved home, while I was in the shower. I was going through my usual shower routine, when I got to my backside. It was gone! As I shifted a half inch down toward my feet in search on my missing arse, I was frantic. Disappearing body parts happens in songs, NOT real life! Not there, but I thought I felt something familiar. I shifted another half an inch toward my feet. Whew! Found it! But then...I became upset. What had happened overnight that had "moved" my arse? I SWEAR it was RIGHT where I left it when I was 20; then overnight, POOF! AN INCH lower! AND on top of all that...It had grown larger.

In a panic, I began checking the rest of me. Luckily for me, everything else was right where I had left it; but not always in the same shape! My legs had lost most of the muscle tone I was so proud of when I was running around everyday on the Salisbury/UNCG athletic fields and arenas. My arms had grown little "non-fingered hands" around the armpit area which wave nicely to people when I expose them. The cottage cheese I had leftover in the fridge from lasagna night had jumped, I can only guess as a way of avoiding the garbage disposal, right on to my upper thighs. (This also explains the added growth to my arse! It was a large tub of lefetovers! :) ) I quickly finished my shower routine and got out of there.

The rest of the day, the changes were subtle. I became increasingly annoyed at the parents who though it was "cute" for their kids to run, scream, and play wherever they liked in eateries, malls, and small spaces. The young kids sitting behind me at a hockey game cursing and talking about high school "conquests" were given "The Look" ( I mastered this from my mother! :) ). Going to Champs for a beer at 9pm became replaced by coffee at a coffee shop after work (or when everyone I knew got off work!). Financial worries and marital status boxes became more important topics of stress and conversation than prom dates and who would pay for gas this time.

I shared this with Trish as we headed towards the mall. She promptly agreed. We had become "old". The "old" we made fun of in high school. The "old" we had planned for in high school and college, when "old" seemed so far away. We had laughed at the women who complained about their weight...as we spent our night at Coneheads for ice cream to wash down our diets of WaWa hoagies and ice tea that could drown a battleship. I couldn't figure out why a car needed air conditioning when it had windows. When babysitting for ten or twenty bucks to put gas in your car and buy food at the shore made you rich. Or how it was so easy for adults to forget what it was like when they were "our age"

As we walked around the mall, I watched the teenagers shop and laugh and eat...well, just about everything in sight. I looked longingly at stores like 5-7-9 or sizes like 5 (who fits into those things?). I heard us saying things like..."How cute would this be in a size 6?" or "My left calf would fit into that." We'd start laughing, ignoring the stares from the "kids" who didn't understand how only one part of the body could fit into a skirt? We talked about work and men; about frustration and diets; and easedropped on the girls talking about proms and boys as we reminisced about all that had changed with us since then.

We made plans to meet for her step-brothers' baseball games and maybe coffee or dinner later in the week. As we walked to the car, we passed two girls about 6 feet weighing 70 pounds, laughing and carrying LOTS of bags. "Don't worry." I said to Trish "They'll be old soon." :) We smiled at the thought.

Got an email today from a friend, describing her mood as lyrical. It's a great description of a mood, don't you think? I love lyrical moods; I have them all of the time. Seems like I always have a song that reminds me of someone or something. (Kinda like my clothes, but that's usually because I "borrow" them as a way of keeping those people close to me. Some -like my sister- call it stealing, but that sounds so harsh. It's done completely in love! ;) ) It's funny she mention this today, because 101.5, a local talk/oldies station does these themes every so often. Today callers were asked to call in with their favorite "spring" song. It's always hard to break out of an era when I listen to the two deejays. You see, I was a babysitter for the kids of one of the deejays. Whenever I hear his voice, I'm transporter back to my freshman/sophmore years in high school. Lyrical moods are pretty interesting and why certain songs "go" with certain people always amaze me. The moods and the memories don't always have to be good, happy feelings or memories. Alot of times they are, but the sad ones mean just as much to me.

As Harry Chapin once said, "Music, has been my oldest frined. My fiercest foe. It could take me so high. Or it can make me so low." Sing on. Sing on. So, with this in mind...off I go into my musical memories. I'm gonna list a couple and why the strike me just so in the gut. Usually, the feeling hits me when the song comes on and takes me back. These are ones I know without even hearing them.

LADY-LITTLE RIVER BAND ~ Some of you may know this is my favorite song. I doubt many of you know why. When I was young (like 4 or 5), we lived in The Colony, TX - a suburb of Dallas. There were two boys who lived across the street from us. One was named David (he was the heavier of the two. The skinny younger one was cuter, but I can't remember his name). I think their parents used to babysit us (I know they babysat us at least once. See my JAWS memory! :) ). It's the only explanation I have for why a High School boy would let a 5 year old hang out with them. I'll never forget the KISS poster on the wall in one of the rooms; and I'll never forget this song. David used to play it all the time. I heard it again when I was 13 and instantly became flooded with the "feeling" of warmth and happiness. So, I searched all over for the title and the artist. Haven't stopped listening to it (or the rest of the Grst hits ablum) since.

COMFORTABLY NUMB-PINK FLOYD ~ I had just gotten my braces on the summer after my Freshman year in High School. My best friend,at the time, Danielle and I were headed over to a going away party at her Aunt's house. I took my favorite jeans and sweatshirt (a white B.C. one) to her house to wash. (See...favorite...so, of course....they were dirty) We always hung out with her cousin Erik and his friends, who were out of H.S. I had a crush on one of them, Jimmy. One of the friends had just graduated and was off the Marines. The night was fun, but turned fun-ny toward the end. Kristen, Erik's sister, slept with her boyfriend for the first time when her mom walked in on them. So, everyone was relegated to separate rooms by gender. Jimmy had leaned over and kissed me just seconds before and I was in heaven! Anyway, he had been drinking, so he just sat in the "boys room" yelling for me to come here. Every time I hear that song, I can smell the laundry detergent, the sweet summer air mixed with the smell of beer, the pain of teeth being pulled and prod in twenty directions, the feel of the wax against my lips to keep the braces from rubbing on the inside of my lips, and the feeling that maybe braces weren't gonna be so bad after all. :)

WHAT IT TAKES-AEROSMITH ~ Jimmy, from above. The summer I turned 16 Danielle had a shore house. I used to go down there and spend alot of weekends. Jimmy used to sing this song and change the words around from F-I-N-E fine to H-A-P-P-Y. This song reminds me of Art, Jimmy, the "stuck" boat on Nights In Venice, the shore, and that summer.

THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN-THIN LIZZY; FAITHFULLY-JOURNEY; SWEET CAROLINE-NEIL DIAMOND ~ These all remind me of my prom date; how we met, the whole asking to the prom debacle; and basically the Cinderella feeling of Prom Night.

GOOD ENOUGH-SARAH MCLAUGHLIN ~ Anyone? Anyone? Kare used to play this song all the time when I was living with her Sophmore year in college as we were going to sleep. I don't know why this one sticks out in my head. It usually floods my head with SO many memories of that year...like Bray, Tommy, Linda, Sue, Sully and Big Man, baseball, radio stations, dining hall visits in barefeet, night at Wayne's, etc. Whenever I need a little pick me up I throw this one in the CD player.

FARE THE WELL-INDIGO GIRLS ~ The night in our room writing Brian's resignation letter. Kare played this song on the radio/t.v for him in a block of good-bye songs. (One later which shouldn't remind me of him, but does is You're Gonna Make Me Lonesome by Tori Amos?)

I LOVE YOU-CLIMAXX BLUES BAND ~ Alright, so I'm a little out of order, but this song reminds me of Trish (and reminds her of Ron N' Keith). And the whole summer we spent walking aroun Kings Grant my junior year in h.s.

JESSE'S GIRL-RICK SPRINGFIELD ~ This one is two-fold a guy I used to hang out with when I was 10 was named Jesse. We never went anywhere without the other one in our after-school program. On Tuesday night, our mom's used to take us to Pizza Inn for buffet and video games or Larry's dinner for Chicken Fired Steak and Texas Toast. Jill is fond of this one too, so apparently a good childhood memory all around. The second memory is of Amy and hanging out Friday nights at Pickles (bar in college) with DJ Fast Eddie. It has since rolled over to encompass all the memories of my Senior Spring Semester.

AIN'T EVEN DONE WITH THE NIGHT-MELLENCAMP ~ I remember one of my first nights out in Greensboro we went to Box Seat (a bar in town) It was just me, Tara, and Neil. The bar was fairly empty, but friends of Neil's were playing that night. He got up and sang this song. I remember thinking how I can't believe how good he sounded singing. He never struck me as an "artist" type. He did this one and Jack and Diane, both are great remindeers, but the words of this one when he sang it always struck me. As I later learned, Neil wasn't always in a state to remember the words, b/c although he loved to sing, he wouldn't do it without a few drinks in him. It always reminds me of the fun days with him.

I'D REALLY LOVE TO SEE YOU TONIGHT ~ ENGLAND DAN AND JOHN FORD COLEY ~ To piggyback on the last one, this one reminds me of Neil too. I remember our first road trip together. Neil called one night (I was in bed, so I remember thinking it was late. Althought this wasn't always the case) to ask me if I wanted to go home. He had to recruit in Jersey and wanted to stay at my house. I didn't even hesitate. Neil prided himself on his music knowledge. Little did he know what he was getting into. He decided we needed to play his road trip game. He'd find a station and we'd have to guess the singer and the artist before the other one. I think he strated to get frustrated when no matter WHAT station he picked I knew the answer. I ALWAYS stumped him on this one and the words just seemed to fit how I felt about him. I still can't listen to this song without tearing and smiling at the same time. (Althought lately Not A Day Goes By - Lonestar does that...but that's just the lyrics hit so close to emotion)

MOVIN' ON - RASCAL FLATS ~ I cry everytime I hear this one. My friends, Beth and Erin, both highly recommended this CD. I had never heard it. After talking to Neil on Sunday night and learning about him dating his roommate (female), etc. I decided I couldn't stay in Greensboro any longer. I'd spent too many days crying in bed and this was the last straw. I made my decision to move home on Monday, told Mike Monday at lunch and began packing. My old neighbors let me "borrow" their son to drive my U-Haul and help me pack. I said good-bye to Mike and tried so hard to hold myself together as I looked around the empty house and hugged Mike one last time. I hopped in my dad's SUV and Adam in the U-Haul and took of for Jersey. Somewhere about Chapel Hill this song came on. I'm surprised we didn't end up in a ditch somewhere in the next 50 miles.

Well, As I said, I know there's more...but...after writing that last one, the screen on my computer went blurry. (Hmmm...wonder why? ;) ) This is enough to give you an idea. I'm sure you all have your own and I'd love to hear them. They lyrical mood could strike any minute. And I'm always hoping it does!

"When you're down
And troubled
And you need a helping hand.
And nothing, no nothing is going right.
Close your eyes and think of me.
And soon I will be there.
To brighten up,
Even your darkest night." - JT

This one's a little disjointed I apologize. I had a "bad" night last night. (Neil stuff - can't figure out why it won't just go! After all, it's not like I ever talk to him or see him or anything!) Got just about 3 hours of sleep, so I'm running on fumes; and most of you know how I ramble on and on before ever (if ever) coming to a point when I'm tired. Just stick with me. ;) I'm sure there's a point in there somewhere! :)

Happy first-day-of-the-Masters! Another ESPN game mom has roped me (and Hank, and Amy, and AJ, and Dad) into. And I keep playing...even though I haven't won!

Speaking of golf, when's it gonna get warm so I can wear my fun plaid pants? Yes. You heard me correctly I have bought a pair of cute green, aqua, and white plaid capris. Wal-Mart. Now, I just want a fun day of golf to wear them! Hard to do when you have 60 degree days. What's the point of being unemployed when it's not warm enough for golf or the beach? At least if I'm home everyday, I should be getting tan! :) I decided to prostitute myself out and called the temp agency Jill's been working for to apply. Turns out, they have no jobs. I'm gonna go in anyway and leave my resume. Maybe they'll come up with something. It leaves me thinking...all that schooling and no qualifications? Aren't I good enough? Isn't having a smart, loyal, hardworking employee important enough to take a chance on me? I've decided...it's a Philly thing.

This bring me to Jeremiah Trotter. For you non-Eagles fans, Jeremiah is a defensive linebacker in Philly. He's a two time, if not more Pro-Bowl-er. Jeremiah has been the source of heated sports controversy in Philly. (when isn't there Sports controversy in Philly?) The Eagles offered him a deal - Franchise tag, 5.515 Million dollars, one year.
"YEA!" said the fans. "Super Bowl!" said the fans.

Jeremiah's agent scoffed. "Play for Philly?" said the agent. "TRADE!" said the agent. "More money, more security." said the agent.

"Off with his head!" said the fans. "Put it on the wall with J.D. Drew" said the fans!

Out came Jeremiah. "Take the deal." said Jeremiah. "I want to play in Philly." said Jeremiah. "I love the city. I love the fans."

"Balk at our deal?" said the owners. "NO DEAL!" said the owners.

Poor Jeremiah. Poor Philly. "All I wanted to do was to lead this team to the Super Bowl. I was very loyal to them. They weren't very loyal to me." "Do they not think I'm worth the money?" They say I'm the heart of the defense, then treat me like a nobody.

It is hard to say who's right...but I'll get to that in a minute. On to a heartfelt tug-of-war....Scott Rolen.

Some of you may know, Scott was supposed to be part of the family. My mom had it all worked out. We were to be married. Why? "Because you both like baseball." Ah yes, the cornerstone of a great marriage. Baseball. But, this cornerstone of a great marriage is exactly why I find it so hard to root against him in this season of Rolen controversy in Philly. Scott has done the unthinkable. He has shunned Philadelphia! I was so upset. There were so many things I liked about him. (Not as many as Mom, however) Then, I began reading. It turns out, Scott shunned Philly for the spirit of baseball and competition. So, now I'm confused. We all knew Scott and Larry (Bowa, the manager) didn't get along. So when the rumors began that he wasn't coming back, it was assumed to be the reason.

"Don't Go!" said the fans! "Save him!" said the fans. "Offer him money. MAKE HIM STAY!" said the fans.

"Yes!" said the owners! "Money!" said the owners. "Only we don't spend money? Oh the quandry. But yes, yes, we will keep him! Don't want to end up like Montreal!" said the owners. "Here's $140 million. Stay! Make us Look good!"

"YEA!" said the fans! "For once our cheapskate owners of teams did the right thing!" "World Series!" said the fans! We all could've cried. Then we did.

"No." said Scott.

"GASP!" said everyone everywhere. "Off with his head!" said the Philly fans. "Put it on the wall next to J.D. Drew!" said the fans!

"It's always been about principles first for me. All I've told them (Phillies ownership) is that I want the same commitment from them that they expect from me and from my teammates. And those principles -- let's just say they don't have a price tag on them." sadi Scott. "I'm a (bleeping) idiot for not taking the money. A well-documented idiot" said Scott.

"Hmmm?" sadi the fans. "Prinicples?" said the fans. "Loyalty to the sport and winning and commitment and your beliefs over....MONEY?" said the fans. "Are you sure you're an athlete?!?" said the fans. But we all knew he was.

And me? I swelled with pride. And teared with sadness. I would miss him. My excitement at Phillies games wouldn't be the same. Our guys are WONDERFUL! All of them, but we're very young. We need some leadership. Maybe...say...a GOLD GLOVE...to help the young ones along. But, how can you begrudge a guy his principles and beliefs? Mom has lost interest in him due to her own disappointment. First, I tried to tell Mom, I was interested in someone else. ("Mom, but he likes baseball!" "Yes, but he's an ass.") Then, Mike disappointed her. ("Mike, when you talk to Wolf, make sure you introduce Jenn to Rolen so they can get married!" No intro! Bad Mike! :) ) And lastly, the straw and the camel...Scott got married this summer. ("And he didn't even tell me!") So, when everyone was up in arms about Scott Rolen leaving the Phillies, Mom didn't care. She has J-Roll, Pat the Bat, and Wolf to watch. Jimmy (J-Roll) impressed everyone at the All-Star game with his maturity and poise for a rookie. Pat can hit the ball far far into Philadelphia land. And well, Mike knows Wolf, so he immed. become like family. And you can't root against family. :)

What it comes down to in each case is loyalty. Where does your loyalty lie? And who to believe. Scott knew what he believed. He wanted to win. Not just once, with great teammates and a coach he bumps heads with, but consistently. So, when he tells his grandkids he played with the Phils they look at him with reverence -as if he'd said Yankees. He spoke with his teammates. They understand. They forgive him. Wish him well. The fans? Well, it depends on your view. As a Phillies fan, I don't understand. Saty. Please. Help us build a club around you that inspires greatness. Stay. Make the owners consistently commit to winning. But, if anything (and I may never admit this again), I am a bigger fan of the sport...and principles. I understand. Baseball is a game built on history. Americana. Look around. New ballparks are being built to resemble the old ones. The most revered players in baseball (to a true fan) are still the Yogis, Teds, Joes and Robertos of the old days. The competitive drive and the will to win; the love of the sport; and the steadfastness to your beliefs. These are cornerstones of a great player AND a great person.

Poor Jeremiah. I had a friend who was drafted into the NFL. He hired and agent and headed to camp. His agent didn't like the offers on the table. Kept holding out for more. He was sure, Tommy could get more. Meanwhile camp started, and Tommy was on the sidelines...waiting for his contract. "All I want to do is play." Part of me fears this happens alot. Agents convince their client this is what he's worth. "Yeah." he says "I'm worth it. They owe me!" The team says "We can find someone else cheaper to do what you do." "No." says the player. "I want to stay here." "Hahaha." says the team. NO DEAL! I feel bad for Jeremiah. In this story, everone wants to be the good guy. And in some light, everyone is...except Jeremiah. The agent can brag to his agent friends he was doing his job. Negotiating. The owners can say "Look fans, if someone doesn't want to play her, we can find someone else. We're that good." And fans being fans, swell with pride and ego about their team and agree. (Doesn't anyone remember the bad years? :) ) The only person who loses is Jeremiah. He doesn't have is money OR his team. Hopefully, for him, he goes somewhere and does well.

Loyalty is such a strong part of me. (I think it's the Lion thing! ;) I'll walk miles, uphill in the snow, barefoot (got that from my dad! :) ) to help someone I care about. But, show me your lack of commitment to me and NO DEAL! ;) I'll yank it off the table just to spite you. Some people I hold out for more than others. Those who have proven their loyalty time and time again can say I piss them off, or date their roommate then show total disregard for me and my feelings, or not get involved when I see they are involved for the "other side" and I take it. Why? Because when I need them, they are there. It takes stronger actions, and more time for me to turn against my loyalty and "Put your head on the wall with J.D. Drew". But when I do, the hurt and rage I feel is just as strong as my loyalty was.

So, Good Luck Scotty! I will come watch you play and cheer you on all season! You have shown your loyalty to "me" (well, us...but I know it's really just to me, remember?). You are standing up for your beliefs and showing your commitment and love for baseball by continuing to work hard every day and play hard! (The walk-off homer in the 11th to win last night didn't hurt either!) Jeremiah, find your loyalty and stick with it! Is it the team or money? I've got to know whether to cheer you on or relegate you to the likes of Kobe and J.D. ;)

As for me, I think I'll stay unemployed a little longer. While I may have taken the first step toward prositution (so to speak), I just can't give up completely. Janeen Garafalo - The Gap will never have me! I have to hold out hope MY prinicples are right. Right now, it's the only hope I've got left. Hey. I hear there's an opening at 3rd base for the Phils next year! I've got prinicples. Maybe even 140 million of them! :)

I feel like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz. No, not because I hang out with a Tin Man, Scarecrow, a Lion, and a bunch of munchkins; and not because of the plaid dress, braids, and a dog in a basket. It's because of the tornado.

It all started in December of 2000. Neil was working a camp in Ft. Myers Beach and I went along for a much needed vacation. After lounging by the pool all day writing Christams cards (how weird is that!), I would retire to our room where I would watch the Weather Channel (and all the poor saps in snow! This was about 2/3 of the country!), fix myself a drink, watch the sunset over the ocean from our balcony, then take a shower and wait for Neil to get home so we could have dinner. Same thing, 5 days. About 2 days into the trip, I turned on the Weather Channel and it was Storm Week! YEA! I was watching all the monster tornados (sorry if there was supposed to be an "e". Ever since Quayle, I'm leary). So, I wasn't really all that surprised when, after drifting off to Dreamland, Brian (Neil's friend from college) got sucked out through an office window in the midst of a "normal size" tornado. Even the tornados, where I was constantly searching for Neil after we'd been separated and the storms only stopped when I'd found him, the rest of the week didn't phase me. After all, I'd now added Storm Week to my daily schedule.

One day after returning back to Greensboro (and 20 degree weather), I left to go home for Christmas. Upon my return to Greensboro, Neil had changed and our relationship slid for a year or so into what it is now...nothing. I don't know exactly what did it, or why things changed (although as any good woman, I have my theories), but I'll never forget the tornado "premonition" dreams.

I wouldn't refer to them that way except for the fact that even after Storm Week, they wouldn't stop. During the whole downward spiraling of what we had become, the tornados were there. I'd start emailing people..."and you were there, and you were there...". When Neil planned his annual Disney vacation with Christy instead of me, the Tornados became "sisters". (For those of you who haven't ever watched Storm Week, it's a series of 3 smaller tornados wreaking havoc in the same area) The Sisters were kind of neat. Sometimes they came all at once, sometimes one right after the other. Sometime after that, the tornados began chasing me. 5 sometimes 6 tornados at a time, one after another. Eventually, I got tired of this one, because even in my dtream I'd tell people who would point out the tornado coming, "Yeah, they chase me." :) (And actually, that one was my favorite, b/c it had my favorite Freshman pitcher, Ryan Gordon, in it. Oh, granted he's now a Junior - he redshirted, but he'll always be a freshman to me! :) )

The other night threw me for a loop. It was straight out of The Wizard of Oz. O.k., maybe more like Wizard of Oz meets It's a Wonderful Life. (If you've never seen either of these movies, let me know so I can smack you and ask you where you've been all your life!) The tornado snuck up on me! Came fast and out of a beautiful sunny day. In typical Florida weather fashion, it went from Sunny and 75 to stormy and...well, tornado-y in .5 seconds. I tried to run, but it got me. Not only me; but me, the kids who were visiting the farm, a father of an Asian girl, and the Asian girl I was holding onto dearly to keep her from being swept out of the barn. (Well, actually, she was holding onto one end of the stuffed Smurf I've had since I was 5 and I was on the other and IT was keeping her in!) (Hey, it's a dream. Is it SUPPOSED to make sense?) So, the stupid surprise tornado picked up the whole barn. Dropped the barn down in my life. And we had to "Choose Your Own Adventure" to pick the right way to get out of MY life, and back to the farm we'd left. (BTW, the kids disappeared before the tornado absconded with the barn. ) I don't know how we got out, or if we got out. My memory only goes so far. :)

I have alot of really vivid dreams like these lately. Ones, like Dorothy, where you wake up and swear it happened. Or you're so exhausted you KNOW you lost 20 lbs. just dreaming. But, at least they're dreams! (If they weren't, I'm sure I'd be in jail or a looney bin by now!) I've been doing some dream research, and have discovered dreams may actually bring to the surface your subconscious thoughts and feelings. (Subconsious? I don't think so. I KNOW my life's in total upheavel. No tornado needs to bring that to light.) I don't know how much I buy into that. I could look at my tornado dreams and conclude that my life's in total upheavel, but it's calm and the storms subside whenever Neil's around. I could say the Asian girl is really me and I'm fighting to keep my "inner child" from being pulled out the window and into certain death. Or maybe I need to Remember The Smurfs! (buy Smurf stock today!) I could figure my subconscious is telling me to buy a farm. It's all about what you READ into what your dreams are telling you b/c it's what you WANT to believe. I don't know that my subconscious is really all that much smarter than I am. Although, my subconscious WAS alot more present in my college courses than I was! (And if it really IS trying to tell me something...that Kid Rock dream makes me wonder. ;) )

All I know is what I feel and what I believe to be true. And maybe I need to hold on to that, even when everything is is telling me to abandon it. To believe, even if there's not much evidence that it truly exists anywhere but the movies. Maybe there really is "No Place Like Home".

I would like to Thank Connor, Clio and their owner for a wonderful weekend! Despite the appearance, I had a great time. Old memories and stories will do that to you. Which brings me to my Blog of the day. In college, right around Springtime (at least, these are the ones I remember best) some friends of mine and I began emailing something called a Happy List to each other. It was 10 things we thought made our day. Some were people, some were memories, most were baseball...but it always made the day brighter and us happy, b/c we got fun email. The only "rule" was if someone appeared on your Happy List who wasn't a regular recipient, you had to send it to them. It's always nice to know when someone you care about is thinking of you and has nice things to say to others about you. When I left college for the summer my Junior year, I printed all our lists out. I hae them in a box in the attic (At least I hope they made it that far...they could be part of the junk in my room.) So, In Memory.....

1) I got a credit card today! Some of you may not know whether or not this is a good thing. Me either, but I am very happy about it! Credit cards and I do not get along. Oh, don't get me wrong...I love them for awhile, then the bill comes. I'm sure most of you know my inability to pass on a good deal - whether I need it or not! But, with 2 weddings this summer and another 1 this September, plus a LONG overdue one from a February ago; then a baby gift...it might come in handy. (Just as long as i don't spend more than I can realistically afford when the bill comes in a month.

2) The Phils, Flyers, and Sixers won this weekend...AND the Spartans swept for sole possession on 2nd place in the Conference. WTG Mike!!! Keep it up as you roll into the Citadel weekend!

3) Neil memories this weekend. Some of you might not think this is a good one. I'm sorry, BUT I remembered the good times we had without all the bad ones anchored to them. Remembering him the way he was and the fun we had still instinctively makes me smile.

4) Getting ready this morning and remembering the first time I met most of you on this list. Beck - in the TR (where else was I in college?); Kare - when you came to visit James in our first week of college. Good thing that out of the bad relationship that kept you coming back, emerged a WONDERFUL friendship!; Aim - couldn't ever figure out why you left everytime we came to get Heather. Good thing I kept prodding you to talk to me, 'cuz sometimes I don't know what i'd do without ya! :) ; Mike - I came to the office to drop off tickets for the ASU/UNCG game and hospitatlity. The ever moving whirlwind. Later, I was so embarassed that one of the only times I have EVER watched Dawson's Creek you showed up. (Lucky for me, you were a fan! :) ) AND, the only other one I'm SURE reads this is Trish. I remember meeting you for the first time in Gym our Sophmore year in H.S. Fortunately for the both of us, my memory is too foggy from that long ago to remember what we looked like! Our walks around K.G. and then our laps in the Sentra around Marlton created a sister! (scary thought, huh?)

5) Knowing there are people in this world who care about me enough to get "pissed off" when I don't care about ME as much as they do! (And who let me adopt-a-cat at their home when mine's far away! :) ) (Oh...and letting you know why I don't wear make-up)

6) Even though it's not 86 like it is in Tampa, where Dad is...or 72 like it's supposed to be in Greensboro, that the sun is shining and I don't have to wear a coat!

7) Those stupid ESPN games. Mom has roped me (and Hank...poor thing) into, not one, but two! At the same time! Maybe I should write to ESPN....:)

8) The "Tomorrow" though of being retired on a beach with my BMW convertible! :) (and maybe my 3 cats! :) )

9) Ok....I've got to do it, but I'll be vague ;)....the "crack" noise that rings out through the spring air, that causes chills down my spine? The "only one which truly warms the soul"? Birds chirping, sun warming the skin, and the call of..."It's outta here"? Yep. It's baseball season! :)

10) You guys. All of you. (Because if I sent you this link...and you care enough to read my rambles...then you've touched my life in good, long-lasting ways and I love ya'll.)

"What would you do if I sang out of tune?(you guys should be able to answer this by now! You've all heard me sing!)....."

"I worked at Sears...sold Lady Kenmores."

Spring Is Here! You know how I know? The Flyers are losing, the Phillies are getting shylacked, and my UNCG baseball team lost to A&T for the first time since 1991 and it's all my fault!

I'm sure none of you knew I had this power. So, I must apologize to the Flyers, Phillies, and my Spartans. I'm just not trying hard enough. Last night, I forgot the Flyers were playing and by the time mom turned them on, they were down 2-0. I just wasn't thinking. Then, we switched over to the Phils game while I was on the computer and THEY were down 10-2. But the one I want most to apologize to (and where most of my power lies, due to the close ties) is Mike and the Spartans for letting them down.

So, Mike, I'm sorry I moved. I'm not sure if my seat is empty or full during games, but I know I'm not in it. I'm not there during infield to get set up and rechannel my energy to the field before the game starts. Since I'm here, I'm not intently focused on the players, their performance, and winning as I once was. (Although I do usually remember you have a game and who you're playing.) It's harder to channel my "power" through all these miles. I can't yell at the players so they hear me and do better, like I can with the guys on t.v., or when I'm there in person. And, I haven't been wearing my UNCG Baseball shirt on days you play. You see, where the Spartan are concerned..."The two sides of my brain are confused." Yes, I want you to win. But there are certain people/person who is happy when you win. See the conflict?

Others have this power too. Men know all about this power (not to be sexist, they just take it more serious than we do). It's the reason they intently focus on "their team" and yell and scream at the t.v. on game days. It's why they have friends, so they can sit around and plan coaching strategies to yell at the t.v. on game day. ("I told you not to put him in." "What are you doing? You know he can't catch the ball!") They hate interruptions and CAN'T understand why "the other people" don't understand THEIR TEAM NEEDS THEM!

In our house we are beginning to feel the Flyers are a lost cause. No matter how much we yell, discuss the game and our strategic coaching decisions, they don't listen. Bill Barber does. (Once again, Billy Idol gets it.) But the players do not. As for the Spartans, well, I'm not sure there's anything I can do from here. I hate to do this, but I'll have to leave it up to you guys to handle on your own. I'll still think of you and ssend my wishes your way, but now I've got 2 other teams closer to home to work on.

I'm sure you guys are thinking. But, hey, what if they win without you? I can understand it LOOKS that way...but...they are actually winning FOR me/us. They realize we cannot be there for what must be a VERY good reason and they "win one for the Gipper". So, if we tune in halfway through and they're winning, we must quickly turn off the t.v. before they realize we are there and mess up the whole thing! These are the things we do "for the good of the team".

Well, I gotta go now. I'm leaving for the weekend and I've got to get things situated. The Phillies Troll doll does on top of the t.v. with the red and blue candles (I always have candles, the colors change with the season or holiday...it's not some cult worship alter. :) ), the UNCG Baseball shirt will go on my bed, and my Flyers Fleece will get thrown in the car with me. No breathing like the lizards of the Galapagos islands with my eyelids, no garter belts with roses in the front, and no Myan indians. I would never do anything crazy like that...just good old fashioned fan support! :)

Here's the quote of the day (well, weekend, since I won't be around):

"There are 108 beads on a Catholic rosary and 108 stitches on a baseball. When I heard that, I gave Jesus a chance. But, it just didn't work out between us. The Lord laid too much guilt on me."

Have a Good Weekend Everyone! Go TEAMS! YEA TEAMS!

Two years ago in July, Neil, Brian and I went to Florida on vacation. As we were returning home from a failed night of jai alai and dog racing, a car went speeding past us on the left. "Wow!" said Neil, "he's going somewhere." After a minute of silence I began hysterically laughing. A guy, in a car, on the highway, speeding...yep I'm sure he was going somewhere. ;) Lately, I've begun to wonder...where was he going?

I like going. I love to do it (well, used to most days). I'd go anywhere, but as soon as we got there, and I'd seen what was there; I want to go somewhere else. I really don't care where we go next, just as long as we go soon. In the aftermath of September 11th, everyone is writing about how we need to Live For Today! Yes! I'd say. Live For Today! Now you get it! (Billy Idol gets it.) Everything seems better in today. No worry, no stress. But eventually tomorrow comes.

I've been stuck in Tomorrow for a few months now. I think the portal is somewhere along the Mason-Dixon line...but I can't be sure. See...I've always lived in Today. The sun shines, the birds chirp, the grass is green and sweet. There is no worry about bills Today; no figuring out what to "do" - you just do what you've always done Today; Sure, things Today change from Yesterday, but that's the fun of it. Then it happened....sometime after leaving my "job" at UNCG, having my heart "disappear", and leaving the independant life I wanted for the VERY dependant one in someone else's home I was thrust into Tomorrow.

I gotta tell you all...Tomorrow sucks! Do you know there are bills here? (Of course you do! You all live here!) Everyone wants to know, "What are you doing Tomorrow?". (They call in "growing up" here, but I don't like that.) In all the chaos and rambled thoughts in my head, the only one which produces dead, eerie quiet in my thoughts is...What do you want to do?

The answer - I don't know - is only partly true. There are so many things I'd LIKE to do, but they don't exist in Tomorrow. Not logically. Someone I know is contemplating Law School. That's 4 MORE years of school. Not to mention more debt. And then, what if after all that time wasted in Tomorrow, you don't like it? The worst part is after 4 years of school and all that debt, you don't get to hear the GOOD jokes anymore. ;) See? this is what Tomorrow does to you. Smacks the logic into all the good living you were trying to do in Today.

And where do you draw the line between living in and for Tomorrow and living in and for Today? If everyday you lived "in" Today, for things like the importance of the work you did in your office and the kisses and smiles at the end of the day from your loved one; Then one day, they were gone - you instantly become thrust from Today into Tomorrow. Suddenly, Today doesn't seem all that important anymore. It's Tomorrow that becomes more and more vital. Time is of the essence - they (whoever "they" are) always say. so if time is so essent, why does not wasting seem like you are doing just that?

So I'm here. Stuck in Tomorrow with no idea as to how to get out. How does a Today girl, live in Tomorrow? I guess, I'll have to figure it out...Tomorrow.

Hi All!

Trish's friend Carole (bless her) recently picked up her life and moved to Hawaii. She began posting journal entries here to, not only showcase her immense talent for writing, but to keep in touch with those close to her. After reading her entries I became inspired. So, I began jennism.blogspot.com to #1 Give me something to do everyday :) ; #2 to voice my theoretical ponderings, annoyance at aspects of society, and my devotion of my friends, family, and random strangers who make some days a little brighter; and #3 let you all enjoy the jennisms and theories only those who know me well can appreciate.

Thanks Carole! Without you, the world would never hear my voice...however, "different" it may be!