Hey Guys! It's me again! Twice in the same month! :)

I think of alot of things I want to say here, during my day. It never fails though, when I sit down to do it, I either can't remember what it was, or it just doesn't seem as good as it did hours before when it came to me!

I've been thinking alot about the future. My future and what should be included in it. Or more over, I guess, who should be included in it. I've decided the best male in my life, ever, is Maverick. (Sorry, guys...but even you best guy friends fall a bit short of him! :) ) I think I have too high an opinion of most of humanity. Yes, even through all my cynicism. I think it is because of this I am often disappointed by people. Or maybe, I just think so highly of myself, it doesn't seem plausible to me to think anyone WOULD disappoint me. It is these thoughts that make me reconsider the notion of marriage, at least in my life. Perhaps, I will always be disappointed by people, and thus, my idea of marriage is too lofty to ever be attained, leaving me once again, disappointed. (Did this make sense? It completely makes sense in my head, but I think it gets a bit lost in translation.) Maybe I just need to realize this and believe it is better to remain detached romantically then get involved in a relationship doomed to disappoint me. Because, essentially, anything short of my ideal will disappoint me, and maybe my ideal is too much for any person to ever live up to? Or maybe, I think about it too much.

The reason for the marriage contemplation stems a bit from my grandmother. She is a saint. Honestly, I know the world is safe as long as she is still on it, because God would whisk her away before destroying us. It's not even a bias opinion. Everyone who has ever met my grandmother would agree with me. She is a saint. Every good saint needs to defy something and my grandmother is no different. Saturday, against all her promises to the contrary, she ascended the stairs to get blankets for their bed. She tossed the blankets down the steps and began her descent.

The story gets a little fuzzy from this point, until the point where my grandfather, who was sitting in the kitchen, enjoying his breakfast, heard the front storm door rattle and walked out to find my grandmother with her waist and below in the house and her head and top half out of the house. After the ambulance and ER visit, my 86 year-old grandmother with a broken femur was scheduled for a Sunday surgery. (The docotr said that with her bones being "soft" it is quite possible she didn't miss the last step, as we all thought, and that her femur just broke, causing her fall.) She got through surgery well, minus a little anesthesia reaction, common to surgery and is currently in a rehabilitation hospital learning to use a walker (but mostly just sick from the fact they keep screwing up and around with her medications. But I digress...).

In any case, it is in time like this, I realize my grandmother isn't going to be around forever. And each time something happens, it seems like forever gets shorter and shorter. I would like nothing more than for my grandmother to see my wedding...and for me to see her at it. My grandmother really liked Neil. No one is really sure why. At my graduation party, he didn't come down from his deck to meet her (or my grandfather) or to her house for our family gathering one week when he was in town recruiting. She always just said it was something she saw in me when I talked about him. She didn't think the same of Ryan and no one else has ever mattered enough to mention. My cousin, Josh was blessed to have her at his wedding and now around to hold his first born child (Keri). It's a joy I'm afraid I'll never know. She used to (a year or so ago) joke around and say she's not going anywhere until after I'm married, at least, but marriage (heck, even a boyfriend, who claims me as a girlfriend and lasts for more than a year) seems farther and farther off and grandmom gets older and older. Sometimes I think I was closer to marriage at 19 then I am at 28.

For all this talk about marriage, I just thought I'd let you all know, in case you'd begun to wonder, I'm still not a "husband hunting" type person, or one who will marry just to be married...but I guess I just wonder often if the ideal is possible, or should I just give up marriage all together? Just think how many cats I'll have in my lifetime if I do that and live to be at least 86? Either that, or Mav's gonna have to last a LONG time! :)

Contrary to popular belief...I am not dead. Nor did I fall off the face of the earth. Well, maybe that part's not true. Some days, I think I'm in hell. :)

Which genius person decided that 8am was a good hour of the day to begin working? AND, why did they feel the need to suck the rest of us into this!?!?!

This added to the fact that my office is one hour away, makes for a VERY CRANKY JENN! 6am everyday and my body DO NOT get along! So, I have been getting home about 6pm, heading to the gym, eating, and hitting the bed by 9 or 9:30pm. This is the reason you all think I died. Sorry about that. I just have no energy or creative thought to even put together a "Hi! How are ya?" email.

I do have an announcement though. The part of me that was holding out for a fairy tale ending...to anything...is gone. I tried to be optimistic, but I'm now 3 weeks into this new job and it's not getting better. The fact that one of the last thoughts I have every day is "What in the hell happened with my life?" goes to prove that the naive, romantic side of me is gone. No longer am I holding out for better, or thinking there must be a reason...just resigned to the fact that this is it. The big ending to a movie that sucks. You keep holding on, hoping it gets better, that everything comes together beautifully, as we all imagined, in the end. Only to come to the end of the movie and you realize that you spent 2 hours watching a horrible movie, holding out hope it would get better, but the only plot kicker was that you wasted 2 hours and hope b/c there was no twist, it didn't get better, and now you feel angry and "duped" by the promise of something better in the end. (Isn't cynical Jenn fun? ;) ) I no longer have the energy to hold out hope for better in my life. I'm too tired. Tired of being disappointed; tired of being hurt; tired of getting my hopes up to watch them come crashing down; and honestly, just plain tired.

So, now that I have shared the "new faces of Jenn", I'm gonna head downstairs for a bite to eat and some sleep. I hope you all are doing well. I'll try and write more soon. (It'll be easier when I have a laptop and can write when I still feel energized! :) Maybe then too, they'll let me do something at work besides read copier user manuals! :) ) Night!