Hey Everyone!
Just today my friend Don and I were email discussing my signature/tagling quote (which I have since changed to reflect the coming season). The quote was "At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want." -Lao-tzu
Does anyone ever feel as though you've known what you are your whole life? People talk about the journey to discover self, or "finding yourself" or other such quests in life. I'm pretty sure I've been the same me, more or less, since I was 2 years-old. Not having a memory that extends that far, I draw this conclusion from the numerous times since I've been home (read: millions of times) my mother has said "You are the same person you were when you were two!". I completely believe this.
For awhile after I moved home, I felt lost. It stems from rejection and the notion that maybe something you loved and opened to another person is the part of you that sent them running. I've felt like I'm sorting through each aspect of myself saying "Was it this? Was it this?". It's the same problem I have with my closet (and for those of you who've seen it, you know why! :) ). I look at something, try to get rid of it for a new something, but like it, so I keep it and just add-on to my closet. My personality has become the same way. I analyzed everything after Neil. It's such a blow to your self-confidence. Little by little over the last 4 years (have I mentioned lately how completely unfair and sucky it is that it has taken me 4 years to recover from heartbreak and in that time he's gotten married? Just thought I'd mention it again, in case the Cosmos would like to explain it to me THIS time that I mention it! :) ) I realized that I love pretty much all of the me I've been since I was 2 years-old and I'm gonna keep it. I found I liked it all, so I'm just adding to it.
It's the adding things that's tricky. Similar to the closet, eventually you run out of places to put something, or you realize you have 15 pairs of black pants in varying and sometimes conflicting styles. I guess being low maintainance and an increasingly picky eater really ARE contridictory. :)
I also know myself so well, it's hard to believe the new stuff isn't just one of thoses phases I go through. a flash-in-the-pan. For as well as alot of you know me, I know myself better. I realize I'm grumpy and irritable and when I get like this I overreact and become irrational. I know I overanalyze things. Sometimes to the point of wanting to jump out of my own head and just be for awhile. I know I'm emotional, both good and bad. I know I'm sometimes like a naive little puppy dog, just believing because it's easier than the alternative and sometimes think the best of people who just end up hurting me. I know I'm goofy and kid-like and simple, all while being serious, mature and complex. I know I've never had a dream in life except to dream (not in a creepy, desperate kind of way, but in a when I picture my future it's like this kind of way) of being a wife and mother in a loving family. I know I don't like the texture of the foods I don't like. I know I get overstimulated by noise and it makes me cranky. I know I'm "girly", even though I swear I'm "just like one of the boys". Seeing as how I've already admitted to being overanalytical, i've pretty much spent 4 or more years absorbing everything everyone has ever said about me, plus the introspection, processed it and figured out, I am what I am....and have been since I was 2 years-old.
It's sometimes frustrating because the answer to life frustrations when you get older is "everything in due time" or "you're right where you're supposed to be" or "everything happens in it's own time and own place" (kinda like the everything happens for a reason crap) or "maybe you just aren't where you need to be yet". I love the last one. I've been where I am for 28 years! I've added some, experienced some, lived some, analyzed the h*ll out of all of it, so if i'm not where I need to be, I'm so far away without any hope of getting back so I'll never get there. (Did I mention I know I'm stubborn, hard-headed and prone to temper outbursts? ;) ) It's not that I won't try to get there, but every "road" leads me back to me. The me I am now. The me I've been since I was 2 years-old. If you don't believe me, ask my Mom!
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Where oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?!?!?!?
Hey!
I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. (Not as long as some people, though.) Ever feel like you're doing so much and nothing's getting done? My world's in chaos! My living space, my head...I have no idea what day it is and just missed a bill payment because I forgot it was the 21st! Ugh! Gotta get my head straight and some organization. Maybe some sleep would be good too! Anyway, here's the latest:
* The stupid post office lost two of my piece of mail. I'm guessing they're lost, as they have yet to be returned to my house and the charitable donation I made for Christmas and one of my bills have yet to reach their destination. I mailed them on 12/17/05. Gotta love the late fee on my credit card when I was SO early in mailing the payment. (No lectures on online payment. The company posted one of those 3 days after I wanted it paid and 5 days after I actually submitted it online on THEIR website. I should've learned NEVER to do business with Bank of America!!!!)
* Got a stupid icky cough two days after Christmas. It was annoying and made me really tired. After the requisite 2 weeks, I went to the Dr., got my antibiotic and am just now starting to feel back to normal.
* I've worked the last 3 weekends (Saturdays) in a row, a couple of them were all day events. WE've got 2 more 8-5 Saturdays this month, then hopefully I'll get a break.
* Ya'll know how I'm not a big fan of staying ot late? Well, my friend Diane who I worked with at UNCG was in town for a soccer convention this past weekend. I went to meet her Friday night after our B-ball game and ended up getting home around 3am!!!! I never knew this hour existed! :) It was a tough Saturday at work from 8-1, but I muddled through. Then Sunday, I babysat her 4 1/2 year-old while she went to a meeting. What a cutie! :) (And how many times can you say you spent time in a closet in the Ritz-Carlton hiding from monsters?!?!?!? :)
* Speaking of Friday night, I had a great time despite the late hour. Mostly it was male attention. On the drive home, I got to thinking (which is something you should NEVER do in the early morning when you're tired!) about how contradictory I am. I want attention and to hold me raptured by my beauty, charm and wit ( ;) ), but when I get it, it's never the right person. The guy was great - funny, charming...older, married. Even if he wasn't, I wasn't really attracted to him. It was fun to dance (Salsa or something maybe vaguely resembling it, as I couldn't remember anything from the lessons I took a year ago!)and feel like you were the only person in the room. Now, if I could only attract that attention from a single, cute, young guy! :)
*The athletes in our Training Room taught me text messaging. It's a pain in the arse on my current phone, though. I can see how it can get addicting. I only used it to talk to Diane a few times while she was in meetings. The other thing they've taught me is MySpace. I'm too old to look at any of their sites, but here's mine.
http://www.myspace.com/blondieatc
Enjoy! I'm still navigating the site and hope to make it look like some of the others I've seen. Maybe I'll get my boss' 16 year-old daughter to help me! Man, I never thought I'd be the old, technology-ignorant people I make fun of! :)
* My stupid least favorite holiday is coming up. I realized I have actually spent 2 of them (in my 30 years) as part of a couple and neither were romantic or exciting, really. Maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be. However, this year my sneezing is at a minimum and there's a little tug in the chest area when I see the Valentine's Stuff up in stores. (The sneezing thing was a joke in H.S. We used to say I was allergic. Really, I think it's the smelly heart stuff, but I really do sneeze my head off usually in those aisles! :) )
* I took Dad to the airport today for a week in Dallas. Did you know there's 2 6am's on the clock?!?!? See? I'm finding all these new hours! I always wondered how they came up with the "24 Hours In A Day" saying! :) ;) :) Mom leaves next week for a week or so in Brasil for Jeremiah (my cousin)'s wedding. It should be fun! I wish I had vacation, I would've gone! In all the chaos, I feel I have no idea what's going on with the people I live with. We never seem to talk lately as everyone is so busy and running here and there.
* I've also been getting lost in my iTune and with my music. I miss music! Just don't here too much good stuff anymore. Maybe I'll head to satellite now. I'll hem and haw for another year or so, then something else will be out. ;)
* I've been looking into buying a house, townhouse or condo, but they're just too darn much! I keep saying, well, when my car payment goes down in November. The truth is, even with that extra money, it's not enough for a mortgage, utilities, food and living. Frustrating.
Well, I'd better get dressed and together for work before I end up late thinking I have all this time and it just passes by until I'm late. (Exact same thing that happened with the bill on the 21st!) Hope all is well with everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. (Not as long as some people
* The stupid post office lost two of my piece of mail. I'm guessing they're lost, as they have yet to be returned to my house and the charitable donation I made for Christmas and one of my bills have yet to reach their destination. I mailed them on 12/17/05. Gotta love the late fee on my credit card when I was SO early in mailing the payment. (No lectures on online payment. The company posted one of those 3 days after I wanted it paid and 5 days after I actually submitted it online on THEIR website. I should've learned NEVER to do business with Bank of America!!!!)
* Got a stupid icky cough two days after Christmas. It was annoying and made me really tired. After the requisite 2 weeks, I went to the Dr., got my antibiotic and am just now starting to feel back to normal.
* I've worked the last 3 weekends (Saturdays) in a row, a couple of them were all day events. WE've got 2 more 8-5 Saturdays this month, then hopefully I'll get a break.
* Ya'll know how I'm not a big fan of staying ot late? Well, my friend Diane who I worked with at UNCG was in town for a soccer convention this past weekend. I went to meet her Friday night after our B-ball game and ended up getting home around 3am!!!! I never knew this hour existed! :) It was a tough Saturday at work from 8-1, but I muddled through. Then Sunday, I babysat her 4 1/2 year-old while she went to a meeting. What a cutie! :) (And how many times can you say you spent time in a closet in the Ritz-Carlton hiding from monsters?!?!?!? :)
* Speaking of Friday night, I had a great time despite the late hour. Mostly it was male attention. On the drive home, I got to thinking (which is something you should NEVER do in the early morning when you're tired!) about how contradictory I am. I want attention and to hold me raptured by my beauty, charm and wit ( ;) ), but when I get it, it's never the right person. The guy was great - funny, charming...older, married. Even if he wasn't, I wasn't really attracted to him. It was fun to dance (Salsa or something maybe vaguely resembling it, as I couldn't remember anything from the lessons I took a year ago!)and feel like you were the only person in the room. Now, if I could only attract that attention from a single, cute, young guy! :)
*The athletes in our Training Room taught me text messaging. It's a pain in the arse on my current phone, though. I can see how it can get addicting. I only used it to talk to Diane a few times while she was in meetings. The other thing they've taught me is MySpace. I'm too old to look at any of their sites, but here's mine.
http://www.myspace.com/blondieatc
Enjoy! I'm still navigating the site and hope to make it look like some of the others I've seen. Maybe I'll get my boss' 16 year-old daughter to help me! Man, I never thought I'd be the old, technology-ignorant people I make fun of! :)
* My stupid least favorite holiday is coming up. I realized I have actually spent 2 of them (in my 30 years) as part of a couple and neither were romantic or exciting, really. Maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be. However, this year my sneezing is at a minimum and there's a little tug in the chest area when I see the Valentine's Stuff up in stores. (The sneezing thing was a joke in H.S. We used to say I was allergic. Really, I think it's the smelly heart stuff, but I really do sneeze my head off usually in those aisles! :) )
* I took Dad to the airport today for a week in Dallas. Did you know there's 2 6am's on the clock?!?!? See? I'm finding all these new hours! I always wondered how they came up with the "24 Hours In A Day" saying! :) ;) :) Mom leaves next week for a week or so in Brasil for Jeremiah (my cousin)'s wedding. It should be fun! I wish I had vacation, I would've gone! In all the chaos, I feel I have no idea what's going on with the people I live with. We never seem to talk lately as everyone is so busy and running here and there.
* I've also been getting lost in my iTune and with my music. I miss music! Just don't here too much good stuff anymore. Maybe I'll head to satellite now. I'll hem and haw for another year or so, then something else will be out. ;)
* I've been looking into buying a house, townhouse or condo, but they're just too darn much! I keep saying, well, when my car payment goes down in November. The truth is, even with that extra money, it's not enough for a mortgage, utilities, food and living. Frustrating.
Well, I'd better get dressed and together for work before I end up late thinking I have all this time and it just passes by until I'm late. (Exact same thing that happened with the bill on the 21st!) Hope all is well with everyone!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Jigga Waht? Jigga Who?
Hey Guys!
I was playing around on Blogthings and thought I'd share the results with ya. Try your own and Enjoy! :)
MY PIMP NAME IS.....Sweetness Money
IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A CHARMING BEEKEEPER IN KOREA WHO DIED OF DISSENTARY
THE CELEB WHO MATCHES MY MUSICAL TASTE IS NICOLE KIDMAN
I JUST MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR :) You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry.
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.
HAVE A GOOD DAY....WAVE YOUR FREAK FLAG! :) You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
I was playing around on Blogthings and thought I'd share the results with ya. Try your own and Enjoy! :)
MY PIMP NAME IS.....Sweetness Money
IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A CHARMING BEEKEEPER IN KOREA WHO DIED OF DISSENTARY
THE CELEB WHO MATCHES MY MUSICAL TASTE IS NICOLE KIDMAN
I JUST MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR :) You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry.
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.
HAVE A GOOD DAY....WAVE YOUR FREAK FLAG! :) You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Good Girl or Bad Girl?
You see, when the mind houses two personalities, there's always a conflict, a battle. - Psycho
Lord knows I house at least two! Luckily for me they don't fight out loud in public! :) The biggest battle I've been struggling with lately is the same one I've faced my whole teen and adult life. Good Girl or Bad Girl? There is no in between. Somehow, I completely screw up each one with the other one. So really, I'm neither and not in between. So where does that leave me?
Maybe I should back up. The struggle has been ongoing due to one thing. Hormones. I swear it's the cause of the strong bad girl inside me. I know you male readers may tune out here. Fine. Go. I think the females though...well, you may understand, even relate to my inner struggle. The cheering for the bad girl in the movie because you wish you could be like her. Loathing the good girl because you see yourself in her. And yet, cheering for her too because you want to know it does work out for the good girl. It's why every little girl loves Grease. Rizzo (who really isn't all that "bad") and Sandy both win.
There's the part of me that wants to throw on pleather pants and a tight, short top and go out, dance, drink, seduce strange men, kick up and be wild. It fights the part of me that dresses in Ralph Lauren, knows the image is everything (especially in a career), doesn't want rumors or trouble, has seen this side of me hurt people and hurt me before and knows we won't feel great the next day.
The part of me that wants a torrid affair/romance, to seduce strange men and not give a crap who I hurt, to walk with that edge, a borderline cocky/confident/"screw you" attitude I vaguely remember feeling from time to time in my life. The Rizzo. The other part that wants love and settling down with a family, a man who'd kind, sweet, smart, funny, settled and secure, to be known as loving, nurtuting and caring for others feelings, to have people see me with a gentle, kind face and loving attitude. I've felt this one too. The Sandy.
It's Melanie versus Scarlett. I've been both and each time one's around for too long, the other wants to come raging forth. I've been the woman with the kind sweetness who feels the "I wish I could be like you Scarlett." Who did everything right and good. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." I've also had to walk into the party in that (Beautiful) red dress, knowing everyone is staring at you, talking about the horrible thing you'd done. "There are worse things I could do."
And yet, I often wish to be both of them again. Lately, the Scarlett in me feels she's been gone for too long. The Melly in me, fighting to keep us "scandal-free" or at least out of trouble. The fight rages on. Maybe going off the hormones I've been on for 10+ years was not a good idea. It won't be a balanced fight and I'm afraid bad might come of it. Only time will tell...
Lord knows I house at least two! Luckily for me they don't fight out loud in public! :) The biggest battle I've been struggling with lately is the same one I've faced my whole teen and adult life. Good Girl or Bad Girl? There is no in between. Somehow, I completely screw up each one with the other one. So really, I'm neither and not in between. So where does that leave me?
Maybe I should back up. The struggle has been ongoing due to one thing. Hormones. I swear it's the cause of the strong bad girl inside me. I know you male readers may tune out here. Fine. Go. I think the females though...well, you may understand, even relate to my inner struggle. The cheering for the bad girl in the movie because you wish you could be like her. Loathing the good girl because you see yourself in her. And yet, cheering for her too because you want to know it does work out for the good girl. It's why every little girl loves Grease. Rizzo (who really isn't all that "bad") and Sandy both win.
There's the part of me that wants to throw on pleather pants and a tight, short top and go out, dance, drink, seduce strange men, kick up and be wild. It fights the part of me that dresses in Ralph Lauren, knows the image is everything (especially in a career), doesn't want rumors or trouble, has seen this side of me hurt people and hurt me before and knows we won't feel great the next day.
The part of me that wants a torrid affair/romance, to seduce strange men and not give a crap who I hurt, to walk with that edge, a borderline cocky/confident/"screw you" attitude I vaguely remember feeling from time to time in my life. The Rizzo. The other part that wants love and settling down with a family, a man who'd kind, sweet, smart, funny, settled and secure, to be known as loving, nurtuting and caring for others feelings, to have people see me with a gentle, kind face and loving attitude. I've felt this one too. The Sandy.
It's Melanie versus Scarlett. I've been both and each time one's around for too long, the other wants to come raging forth. I've been the woman with the kind sweetness who feels the "I wish I could be like you Scarlett." Who did everything right and good. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." I've also had to walk into the party in that (Beautiful) red dress, knowing everyone is staring at you, talking about the horrible thing you'd done. "There are worse things I could do."
And yet, I often wish to be both of them again. Lately, the Scarlett in me feels she's been gone for too long. The Melly in me, fighting to keep us "scandal-free" or at least out of trouble. The fight rages on. Maybe going off the hormones I've been on for 10+ years was not a good idea. It won't be a balanced fight and I'm afraid bad might come of it. Only time will tell...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Over and Over Again....
I suck.
Yep. Happy New Year. I suck.
I was reading Kare's blog and thought, yeah, I'll look at my resolutions too. I'm positive I accomplished them all this year! It just kind of reinforced a few things I know about myself, but am too optimistic to outwardly believe:
1) I have NO sticktuitiveness for things (I blame my ADD, when really, I should just buckle down and make myself). I cave so easily. I am excellent at convincing myself not to listen to myself.
2) I am optimistic to a fault. The fault being I am a dreamer with my head in a fairy tale and don't listen to the realist me reminding me of #1.
3) I suck. ;)
See? I'm bananas. (Best word I could come up with, even with the help of Thesaurus.com! :) ) So, here's my blog/list from last year with bold commentary from me this year! :)
So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions I'm recycling past resolutions for this year. (See I recycled last year's resolutions from some previous years. See what I mean about sticktuitiveness?!?!? Wonder how many years I've been carrying these over? )
1. Lose 15 pounds I actually gained 10. So far since the New Year, I've lost 6. YEAH ME! :)
2. Start running again (making #1 SO much easier)I did this for a few weeks, but once it got fairly easy, I quit. It was too much time to get to the gym, run, sweat, then come home.
3. Keep my floor clean (which hopefully will be easy once I clean it tonight) I cleaned it in time to ring in 2006, does this count? Otherwise, I don't think I truly saw my floor since week 3 of 2005.
4. Learn Spanish I have been learning some words. I can't repeat them. I'm nowhere close to fluent. I have no patience for less than fluent. Hence, the Spanish lessons are slow going.
5. Learn to play the piano Here again...I took some lessons with our band teacher. Then school ended and our piano is out of tune. It sits in the room that is dad's office, so I can't have them tune it while he's at work during he week. The one trip he went on, he had people paint the inside of the house. So, our piano is still out of tune and I still can play one chord.
6. Get better about keeping in touch with friends and family Um....how many of you feel like I've dropped off the face of your earth? I feel like I have too. I'll try harder this year. I mean, I'm already doing well. I emailed Kare today in response to her Dec. 20th email about getting together over the holiday. :) Maybe if I can complete my resolution 1) for this year, I'll be better at this one from last year.
7. Eat better I have done this. I've become a better eater! :)
8. Help out more around the house I've tried. I've failed, I think, but I've tried.
9. Save money I had to do this. I saved and saved last year, then travelled and travelled this summer. I'll save and save again this year! :)
10. Be more patient Done. Check. One down, 9 to go! :)
Maybe this time around, these resolutions will actually get crossed off the list of things to do. I hope you all have a great New Year and keep every resolution you set in 2005.
Well, instead of promising that for this year, I've decided to break the chain and NOT recycle my howevermanyyearsold New Years Resolutions listed above. I'm creating new ones.....
1) Do something newsworthy. One of the reasons I don't keep in touch well is because I don't really have anything new to ever report to anyone. I want this to change. Good things, maybe yummy scandalous things...but at least something worthy to report to my friends on the phone.
2) Go out on a date. I'm resolving to only one date, because I want to be able to accomplish at least one on this list. Maybe this year I can shake the "He's not Neil" demons and appreciate someone for who they are...at least long enough to get through one date! :)
3)Be the best me I can be! And love the idiosyncratic things about me that may one day make me a great David E. Kelley sitcom! :) (I already do, but maybe accept them and not deny them is a better phrase than love them)
I'm sticking with 3. I should be able to accomplish 3. Maybe if I can get through 3, then it disproves the "sticktuitiveness" thing I knew about me at the beginning of this blog. AND, if we throw THAT out the window, then it proves I can change and I don't NEED to accept my idiosyncrases, because I can change, which I think negates number 3. :) So really, maybe I'm only resolving 2 things and everyone else in the world should learn to embrace and love me for me! :)
How hard can 2 resolutions be?!?!?!? Here we go, 361 days left. The race is on! :) Happy 2006 Everyone! Hope you get through your list before time runs out! :)
Yep. Happy New Year. I suck.
I was reading Kare's blog and thought, yeah, I'll look at my resolutions too. I'm positive I accomplished them all this year! It just kind of reinforced a few things I know about myself, but am too optimistic to outwardly believe:
1) I have NO sticktuitiveness for things (I blame my ADD, when really, I should just buckle down and make myself). I cave so easily. I am excellent at convincing myself not to listen to myself.
2) I am optimistic to a fault. The fault being I am a dreamer with my head in a fairy tale and don't listen to the realist me reminding me of #1.
3) I suck. ;)
See? I'm bananas. (Best word I could come up with, even with the help of Thesaurus.com! :) ) So, here's my blog/list from last year with bold commentary from me this year! :)
So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions I'm recycling past resolutions for this year. (See I recycled last year's resolutions from some previous years. See what I mean about sticktuitiveness?!?!? Wonder how many years I've been carrying these over? )
1. Lose 15 pounds I actually gained 10. So far since the New Year, I've lost 6. YEAH ME! :)
2. Start running again (making #1 SO much easier)I did this for a few weeks, but once it got fairly easy, I quit. It was too much time to get to the gym, run, sweat, then come home.
3. Keep my floor clean (which hopefully will be easy once I clean it tonight) I cleaned it in time to ring in 2006, does this count? Otherwise, I don't think I truly saw my floor since week 3 of 2005.
4. Learn Spanish I have been learning some words. I can't repeat them. I'm nowhere close to fluent. I have no patience for less than fluent. Hence, the Spanish lessons are slow going.
5. Learn to play the piano Here again...I took some lessons with our band teacher. Then school ended and our piano is out of tune. It sits in the room that is dad's office, so I can't have them tune it while he's at work during he week. The one trip he went on, he had people paint the inside of the house. So, our piano is still out of tune and I still can play one chord.
6. Get better about keeping in touch with friends and family Um....how many of you feel like I've dropped off the face of your earth? I feel like I have too. I'll try harder this year. I mean, I'm already doing well. I emailed Kare today in response to her Dec. 20th email about getting together over the holiday. :) Maybe if I can complete my resolution 1) for this year, I'll be better at this one from last year.
7. Eat better I have done this. I've become a better eater! :)
8. Help out more around the house I've tried. I've failed, I think, but I've tried.
9. Save money I had to do this. I saved and saved last year, then travelled and travelled this summer. I'll save and save again this year! :)
10. Be more patient Done. Check. One down, 9 to go! :)
Maybe this time around, these resolutions will actually get crossed off the list of things to do. I hope you all have a great New Year and keep every resolution you set in 2005.
Well, instead of promising that for this year, I've decided to break the chain and NOT recycle my howevermanyyearsold New Years Resolutions listed above. I'm creating new ones.....
1) Do something newsworthy. One of the reasons I don't keep in touch well is because I don't really have anything new to ever report to anyone. I want this to change. Good things, maybe yummy scandalous things...but at least something worthy to report to my friends on the phone.
2) Go out on a date. I'm resolving to only one date, because I want to be able to accomplish at least one on this list. Maybe this year I can shake the "He's not Neil" demons and appreciate someone for who they are...at least long enough to get through one date! :)
3)Be the best me I can be! And love the idiosyncratic things about me that may one day make me a great David E. Kelley sitcom! :) (I already do, but maybe accept them and not deny them is a better phrase than love them)
I'm sticking with 3. I should be able to accomplish 3. Maybe if I can get through 3, then it disproves the "sticktuitiveness" thing I knew about me at the beginning of this blog. AND, if we throw THAT out the window, then it proves I can change and I don't NEED to accept my idiosyncrases, because I can change, which I think negates number 3. :) So really, maybe I'm only resolving 2 things and everyone else in the world should learn to embrace and love me for me! :)
How hard can 2 resolutions be?!?!?!? Here we go, 361 days left. The race is on! :) Happy 2006 Everyone! Hope you get through your list before time runs out! :)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
It's The End of This Blog As We Know It
My mom’s boss found my blog.
My mom called me today and sounded like she had something to say to me, but was holding back. When I convinced her to tell me she said, I don’t want to upset you. I immediately thought someone died or was dying. Sad how the mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion, but given that my cat and my grandfather both died around Christmas, I figure it’s not the happiest time of year.
She finally told me, Bruce (her boss) met a woman at a party he and his wife attended. The woman was a Lawyer. Anyway, she was Googling Bruce and came across my blog site. She sent him the link and told him how employers needed to be careful and Google themselves often because ex-employees may be spreading nasty things, or whatever. It’s not good for business or image.
It was a 2002 blog from the time I worked for a company in which he is a partner. I was ranting about the way the company was structured and how they treated me and how I felt to be working there. The reason Bruce’s name was in the blog was because I was explaining to you all about the myriad of companies all in the same office and how he tied into two of them. I guess I wasn’t really careful about using names because my friends were the only ones reading me and Google hadn’t gotten as sophisticated as to search for blog sites. Luckily I hadn’t said anything bad about him, nor had I mentioned my mom at all.
When he mentioned it to my mom, she turned shades of red. Bruce thought it was funny and loves to tease people about things, so I have since become nameless, only referred to by him as “The Blogger”. He told my mom he was going to go home and read the rest of it. My whole blog! My mom begged him not to, as she does not know what’s in here. She has never read it, nor does she want to, leaving it as my outlet.
The irony in this is a few weeks, if not a month earlier I had Googled myself, as we are all warned to do and found my blog showing up. It was the first time it had ever appeared during a Google search. I realized I had left my name in the 9/11 blog I did, in which I posted the email I received and sent on 9/11/01. I tried to erase it/edit it and was able, but my name still appeared. Then I did some research and learned how to code my template so my blog site wouldn’t appear when search engines searched. It has since ceased to appear.
My mother said she immediately tried to search for Bruce and replicate the lawyer’s findings, but was unable. It seemed my block had worked. Now, it was just the worry of him clicking on the email link and getting to my current and past blogs. Once that was taken care of, I began to worry about the next time I saw him. Not that he would care, as I said, he thought it was funny. Then I worried he would show it to the partners in the company where I used to work. I still see them from time to time when I visit my mom in her office, or we go to lunch. Not to mention that my mother still works with them and is friendly with them, as am I. It was all I could do not to worry for her.
I thought long and hard about deleting my entire blog for good. While it is good and therapeutic, it is no longer the outlet I so desparately needed to unload my emotions in a dark, dark point in my life. I thought I could just let go. When I worked for the copier company, I printed out all the entries. I have them through August of 2004, so did I really care if I wrote or not. I mean, what if one mistake or entry in the heat of anger had ruined a pleasant working environment for my mother, not to mention the fact she could have lost her job for my words. I’m not good at censoring or editing what I write, as I’ve always looked at this and wanted it to be a true, unfiltered look at my emotions and thoughts. I could always just give this up and start a new, better edited one.
After a few days, I believed the storm to have passed. The block had worked and maybe someday Blog will develop passwords to protect “intellectual property”, or at least enough the keep me from getting into trouble. For now, I’ll keep writing.
My mom called me today and sounded like she had something to say to me, but was holding back. When I convinced her to tell me she said, I don’t want to upset you. I immediately thought someone died or was dying. Sad how the mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion, but given that my cat and my grandfather both died around Christmas, I figure it’s not the happiest time of year.
She finally told me, Bruce (her boss) met a woman at a party he and his wife attended. The woman was a Lawyer. Anyway, she was Googling Bruce and came across my blog site. She sent him the link and told him how employers needed to be careful and Google themselves often because ex-employees may be spreading nasty things, or whatever. It’s not good for business or image.
It was a 2002 blog from the time I worked for a company in which he is a partner. I was ranting about the way the company was structured and how they treated me and how I felt to be working there. The reason Bruce’s name was in the blog was because I was explaining to you all about the myriad of companies all in the same office and how he tied into two of them. I guess I wasn’t really careful about using names because my friends were the only ones reading me and Google hadn’t gotten as sophisticated as to search for blog sites. Luckily I hadn’t said anything bad about him, nor had I mentioned my mom at all.
When he mentioned it to my mom, she turned shades of red. Bruce thought it was funny and loves to tease people about things, so I have since become nameless, only referred to by him as “The Blogger”. He told my mom he was going to go home and read the rest of it. My whole blog! My mom begged him not to, as she does not know what’s in here. She has never read it, nor does she want to, leaving it as my outlet.
The irony in this is a few weeks, if not a month earlier I had Googled myself, as we are all warned to do and found my blog showing up. It was the first time it had ever appeared during a Google search. I realized I had left my name in the 9/11 blog I did, in which I posted the email I received and sent on 9/11/01. I tried to erase it/edit it and was able, but my name still appeared. Then I did some research and learned how to code my template so my blog site wouldn’t appear when search engines searched. It has since ceased to appear.
My mother said she immediately tried to search for Bruce and replicate the lawyer’s findings, but was unable. It seemed my block had worked. Now, it was just the worry of him clicking on the email link and getting to my current and past blogs. Once that was taken care of, I began to worry about the next time I saw him. Not that he would care, as I said, he thought it was funny. Then I worried he would show it to the partners in the company where I used to work. I still see them from time to time when I visit my mom in her office, or we go to lunch. Not to mention that my mother still works with them and is friendly with them, as am I. It was all I could do not to worry for her.
I thought long and hard about deleting my entire blog for good. While it is good and therapeutic, it is no longer the outlet I so desparately needed to unload my emotions in a dark, dark point in my life. I thought I could just let go. When I worked for the copier company, I printed out all the entries. I have them through August of 2004, so did I really care if I wrote or not. I mean, what if one mistake or entry in the heat of anger had ruined a pleasant working environment for my mother, not to mention the fact she could have lost her job for my words. I’m not good at censoring or editing what I write, as I’ve always looked at this and wanted it to be a true, unfiltered look at my emotions and thoughts. I could always just give this up and start a new, better edited one.
After a few days, I believed the storm to have passed. The block had worked and maybe someday Blog will develop passwords to protect “intellectual property”, or at least enough the keep me from getting into trouble. For now, I’ll keep writing.
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