Random Thoughts Time!

* Have I mentioned to anyone that I really like Seth Cohen (the character) from The O.C.?

* I love the first snowfall of the year. We've got about 6 inches and the snow is still falling (even if it is in much smaller flakes than before). Everything looks so pretty and clean. Pure and innocent. Very Holiday-is

* I would have been a GREAT kindergarten teacher. (I also think I would've been a great CEO of a NFL team!)

* Ever have a moment where you wonder where your life went and how the hell you ended up here?!?!?! (I have at least one every day!)

* I miss The Muppett Show.

* People don't sleep enough hours in the day.

* How come some people seem to make out well in life while others don't? What criteria determines this? And if someone hurts you, shouldn't they have some repricussions?

* Being alone is overrated.

* How keep saying I'm going to get married in Vegas, but I've never been there?

* Can you live your whole life and never reach your "destiny"?

*If you can, and you have a yearning to reach it, but never will...isn't having that yearning just cruel punishment?

* Here's on O.C. moment again....Chrismukkah must've been real hard to say, yet they said it as if it were a real word used in every day conversation.

* I love the fact South Park makes fun of everyone and in their Butt Out episode...even themselves! :)

* Every company should institute casual days, naptimes, fun company interaction and snow days.

* How come we can think of millions of things to buy for ourselves, yet can't put together a Christmas List?

*Why would you be somewhere...let's say Delaware...when you live far away...let's say Georgia...and be near friends...let's say they're in NJ...and not try and see them at least one night? (ahem, ahem.)

*How weird is it a 28 year-old owns Thing 1 and Thing 2 dolls?

*And now, I'm going to take a nap. I'm having a weird "health" thing going on. I think it's all sinus, but I don't feel sinusy. I almost feel like I have a cold - Lethargic, foggy in the head, burning, glassy eyes - but I have no other sympoms. Anyway, nothing a good nap can't cure!

Happy Friday! :)

She'll turn thirty - four this weekend
She'll go out with her girlfriends
They'll drink some margaritas, cut up and carry on
There'll be guys and there'll be come ons
She'll probably get hit on
But she thinks all the good ones are gone

She's got friends down at the office
And she can't help but notice
That when the day is over
How they all hurry home
Every day there's guys she works with
And even some she flirts with
But it seems like all the good ones are gone

And her mama called this mornin'
Said I'm worried about my baby
I wish you had a family of your own
She said mom it's not that easy
You make it sound so simple
But you can't take the first man that comes along

Once she had someone who loved her
Back when she was younger
Now she wonders if she held out
A little bit too long
Back then there were so many
Now there just aren't any
It seems like all the good ones are gone

And her mama called this mornin'
Said I'm worried about my baby
I wish you had a family of your own
She said mom it's not that easy
You make it sound so simple
But you can't take the first man that comes along

She'll turn thirty - four this weekend
She'll go out with her girlfriends
They'll drink some margaritas, cut up and carry on

-Pam Tillis "All The Good Ones Are Gone"

Hi Everybody!

In the last few days since I wrote, I've been contemplating employment and the work force, in general. See...I had a little mini break down this week. Some times I feel like I'm getting all the work no one else wants to do. It just seems to be frustrating that after 7 years of school, two degrees, and a job I liked (even though, as mom points out, I complained about it) that this is my life. I think about this at least once a day. The question I always ponder is this...is this what everyone feels like in their job, or is this a "gut" screaming to get out?

One the one hand the job is fun. I get to meet new people, I am not confined to a desk, I have freedom in certain aspects of this job, the hours aren't in stone, I'm not training and am in corporate America like I wanted, it allows me freedom to move AND move up, and it could be worse...I could be a pooper scooper, or other such jobs.

However, at least once a day I think...how did I end up here? Just for clarification, this is not a "I live in a dream world, like I always imagined, how did I get here" wonderful moment. This is the reaction to my gut screaming to get out. Whatever person is trapped inside of me (Not the Southern Woman...the thin, creative person) is NOT happy to be trapped in my life.

Now, before you start thinking "Gee, Jenn is become more and more schizophrenic", I'd rather think of it as trying to listen to the aspects of me that are being squelched or ignored. And somehow, I feel like I move further and further away from that in every job. Now, in athletic training I satisfied my need to help people and sports minded side. (
Kare, didn't you have a quote for girls that like sports?) When I left and went to Fundraising/Special Events, I dipped a little into my creative side. I also got my need to interact with lots of other people filled. While, I often felt I was doing low-Jenn-on-the-totem-pole stuff, this was probably my favorite job.

Working at DI (through Manpower) was fun, b/c I was helping, but insulted my intelligent side, that felt this work was very beneath it. That side was pretty much insulted in most of my temping work, but the fear-of-commitment part of me was VERY happy. I was not tied down to any certain thing, leaveing me open to find a job that satisfied most of my multi-faceted Jenn. This subdued all my other personality traits because they were holding out for the next job...the one that would satisfy them.

Which leads us to here. This job. Which pretty much insults every side of my personality. The closest to being satisfied is the need-to-meet-people one, but even that one is constantly screaming...YOU ARE TEACHING THEM HOW TO USE A FREAKIN' COPY MACHINE!!!! There's no "meeting" in that! I DO however, have money, but those of you who know me realize having money has never been a driving per4sonality "voice". So, I guess I need to begin to contemplate my next job/career. And, better to do that while I have a job I guess...so I might be able to trick my inner self (selves?) into believing there squelching is temporary.

I know I "share" things people don't always think I should share. I do this for two reason...one, in case anyone ever has the same things happen to them, they don't go through them blind, like I did and two, in hopes someone can offer me a point-of-view or idea that might make my situation better. If anyone has any suggestions in satisfying the many "me"s, please write. Until then, I'll be at a copy machine near you.

I hope you all are doing well. Night

My how time flies!

I'm not just saying that because it's been two weeks since I've written, but because my favorite little girl is now almost a month old! (And I haven't seen her!) Isn't there something to be said for EVERYONE I know living in New Jersey?!?!?!?!? MOVE PEOPLE!!! ;) Kaitlyn, I love you and I'll get there soon! (I'm hoping for next weekend, but the between work and Trish's upcoming wedding...it's hard to find a free weekend.)

It's also been almost two full years since I moved home. (Super Bowl Weekend 2002) My how time flies. It still feels like just yesterday my life was together! :) (Yeah right...since when have I had a together life.) I must still be regressing, since last night I bought (and slept with) Thing 1 and Thing 2. Could someone please remind me what it was like to be an adult?!?!?! I still feel like I high schooler and I swear at one point I had a life which resembled one of an adult. I guess that happens when you live at home with no social life to speak of.

I had to take my car in on Friday. ;( About two or three weeks ago it developed a little squeak somewhere in the back seat that's driving me bananas. I can't find it...because I'm driving. I stopped by the dealer near us, took one of the service guys for a little drive through town, and he told me he can't find it and fix it (but he can hear it), so he's gonna have to trial and error test it. So, my poor little baby is going in the shop already! ;(

I can't really think of anything else that's going on with me. Mav is fine. Developing his fur for a cold winter. The Birds just beat the Giants. The Flyers are doin' alright. And that's about it for me, I guess. I hope you all are doing o.k. I'll write more later.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I hope everyone has saved some room for all that leftover Halloween candy! It is gorgeous in NJ today! I tried to think up an original costume for AFTER I got off work ('cuz I always dress up to give out candy. I'm a Dork, I know.), but my mind's blank. You'd think with all the baseball people I know, I could've pulled off my first idea - to be a baseball player - but I don't have the gear. So, I just threw on my scrubs...hair in pigtails and here I am...Dr. Jenn! :)

Speaking of Dr.s I could use on right about now. I don't think I quite need Dr. Ruth (although I am getting that twinkle in my eye! :) ), but maybe Dr. Phil! :) I really don't understand men. Or maybe, the last guy I thought hey, we've got stuff in common, he'd be fun to hang out with...didn't quite have the same feeling. I haven't heard from him since the day we spent together. Considering I work with him, and have some work to do FOR him, you'd think he'd be in touch. I guess the whole PHONE thing is hard to define for men. Maybe he feels I want to be something other than friends. I don't have many in this area, it would be nice to have more to do things with. (I have decided for the fun he'd be short term, it's not worth it to get involved with a co-worker.) In any case, I have spent too much time thinking about it (a couple days) and thought I'd pass it on to the Drs. in the crowd and let you guys think about it. I've had enough! :)

My car is still running wonderfully! (For those of you who might be...jealous! :) ) I'm jealous of me, so it's o.k. It developed a little rattle last Friday, but I fixed it somehow! I think it was just thinking real hard about it being fixed. (Either that or I've been playing the radio louder lately! :) )

Trish's wedding is coming up in ONE month! It was one year ago today we were headed to Trish's shortly after her engagement to discuss bridesmaid stuff. Hard to believe it's been a year already. I may have told you guys this (I know I told Karen)...WHY DON'T YOU GUYS GIVE ME ENOUGH TIME TO FIND DATES FOR THESE THINGS?!?!??! ;) Getting married in such short periods of time like a year or two after being engaged! It's almost like you elope! :) I'm kind of glad about not having a date for this one. I don't want to have to "babysit" anyone. It's hard enough to go to a wedding and mingle, let alone have to worry about "am I ignoring my date?" "Are they o.k. by themselves if I go make an idiot of myself on the dance floor with the bride?"...things like that.

That's about it from here. I'm off to "scrub" through the night handing out candy to the 6 children who go out anymore! Maybe tonight will be more child-friendly. Where was this 75 degree weather when I was little?!?!?! I ALWAYS wanted to be something like a princess or a ballerina...something with little clothes...and it was always 20 degrees! Anyway, Happy Halloween! Work hard to keep the demons out of your life. I know I am! ;)

Hey Everyone!

I was on my way to work on Monday, when I realized the leaves looked SO beautiful. Every once in awhile I just get absolutely lost in the moment of something, or crave the simplicity of a moment. When this happens, I'm not sure if it's that things seem so much clearer or the moment just makes everything seem so much brighter...more vivid. A heightened sense of senses.

I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about and have had these moments. I have gotten that stupid email about wonderful things, blah, blah, blah. I call it stupid b/c it's always the same list of things. Falling in love, clean sheets, fresh peach. Who made up this list?!?!?!? I mean, I might agree with some of them, but not all of them. Therefore, I decided to make my own list. It's all MY stuff. You may agree with some of them, but hopefully, more than that...it will spark you to remember your own moments! So....here's MY LIST! :)

*The moment you realize the leaves have changed
*The extra hour of sleep you get when you set the clocks back
(also, waking up a full hour before your alarm and relaizing you don't have to get up yet AND you have enough time to go back to sleep.)
*Worn in jeans (that fit)
*The smell of leather (like in a new car! ;) )
*The beach on an overcast day when the sky and the water match
*Oh, who am I kidding...the beach on any day, any time of day
*The feel of sand on your toes (and the ironic look of being barefoot, holding heels in your hand, and dressed in a suit walking to the ocean.)
*The feel of flannel sheets
*The look of someone you love from across a room (like Say Anything)
*Newborn babies, as they squiggle in their onesies
*Hearing your favorite movie quote out of the mouth of someone you just met
*Candy Land
*Hugs from your grandmother
*Hearing an old favorite on the radio
*The sights and sounds of football games
*Catching up emails from friends you don't get too see much anymore
*Crossing things off your to-do list
*Places to go with all day to get there
*The sleep after a nice, hard workout
*Stupid laughter (like cracking up hysterically over the "Crab People" song on South Park, even though the song is so stupid!)
*The sound of a grandfather clock chiming the hour
*Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and thinking, "I'm hot!!!!!!" ;)
*G.Love and Special Sauce
*The smell of a fire in the fireplace...somewhere (we use ours VERY rarely. ;) )
*New shoes
*A crisp apple (like apples are supposed to be, not mushy or grainy or with that little brown spot you have to eat around.)
*The feel of the sunshine on your skin
*The after day-at-the-beach shower.
*The first snowfall
*A catnap

I'm sure I had others when I thought of doing this list, but right now...they are escaping me as that wonderful veil of sleep falls over me. Feel free to email me with yours. I hope you enjoyed these.

Hi All! I can't believe it's been so long since I've done this! You should see things on here more, now that I have a computer at work! :) I just never seem to be close to a computer when I have a brillant blog topic!

Maybe some of you with children can answer this for me...When they hand you your child's birth certificate, do they also hand you a license that tells you that you are more important than me now? That your life is more important and deserves more consideration because of this child? Or that I am supposed to think your child is cute whatever they are doing, b/c you had one?

About three months ago, my sister and I were at a restaraunt (I never spell that word right) waiting to meet our mother. The restaraunt has a policy that they will not seat you until your entire party arrives. Jill and I put our name in...a 20 minute wait...and wait for mom to arrive. Two Marlton women (which are different than alot of other women in that they are dressed to the nines, with child -or children - no discernable jobs, and Louis Vutton diaper bags -or, insert Lexus SUVs, 3 carat diamonds here.) are waiting, when one looks at the other and says "Well, they're just going to have to seat us before the others get here, b/c I can't hold this baby any longer." Oh, I'm sorry ma'am. I didn't see the child in your arms. Let me break restaraunt policy and seat you with half your party in front of the other 15 customers who ARE here and are waiting for a table.

What Jill DID say (to me only, of course), is that you're the one who HAD the child. If you didn't want to hold it (not sure if it was male or female), you shouldn't have brought it to a crowded restaraunt at lunchtime or had it at all. Maybe a little harsh, but at this point, my sister and I are both sick of this "I'm a parent, I'm special" attitude. Our same attitude applies when your child, who is running through the restaraunt while you chat with your girlfriend, A) hits me on the head with a balloon B) trips the wait staff for the 18 millionth time while you half-*ssed say their name C) screams at the top of their lungs in a piercing voice while you pretend not to notice and talk even louder to your girlfriend about the new Coach/Louis Vutton/SUV/Vacation you just purchased.

Jump forward a month. I am meeting mom for lunch while temping at the Financial Planning place (ironic, I know) to discuss the latest employer screw-up with my benefits, which have me nearly in tears. (At this point, I didn't have my car and was physically falling apart and EVERYTHING somewhat stressful almost reduced me to tears.) A woman, with three 14-year-old girls (I know the exact age...read on) and one young (6 or so) boy came in and sat behind us. The girls immed. (all one after another, mind you) began asking everyone who came near their table how old they looked - then telling them exactly how old they were. One girl, threatened her friend's brother, by standing up and shaking her fist at him. Followed by the comment that she could "see (her) uterus through her jeans". At this point, my mother flashed them her "look" (which grownups are afraid of) since their chaperone seemed oblivious to everything, and I believed to be, due to the ignoring of these girls, drugged. Then, in their over-the-top 14-year-old girl ways, one of the girls (the one in the middle of the three on one side of the booth) knocked over her soda. At which point, they all began squeeling and sliding around on the floor on purpose to make it seem as if they were falling. The mother, who I know believed to be in a walking coma, did nothing and said nothing. The girls took off for the bathroom, the little boy took off to run through the kitchen, while the "Weekend-at-Bernie's" mom stood there watching them clean her table. The owner of the pizza place, went table to table and apologize to each customer for the disruption to their lunch. (Mine, which hadn't been disrupted, as it was all sitting just below my throat and hadn't quite reached my stomach.) Aren't children a hoot?!?!?

I'm sorry, but if I had even gotten CLOSE to that, my mother would have threatened to take us out of the place, then done so if we hadn't behaved. Not flashed the other customers a sincere "aren't they cute?", b/c somewhere in their diaper bag, they have a license, allowing them to do so.

My all-time, "I have kids, so I'm allowed to do whatever I want" story happened just on Tuesday. An irate customer (not at me, but at our comapny in general) kicked me out of her office, when I was there to help THEM. I decided I need to re-group and knock some things off my "to-do" list, since I know had free time and was told to take it (as an apology for my bosses sending me into such a volatile account). I needed to purchase a few pieces to complete outfits, so I ventured into Ross. I'm not sure about anywhere else, but the Ross' around us always seem to have long lines with way too little registers open. So, picture this...

There are 10 - 12 people in line and one register open. The woman in front of me was restless and, at one point excused herself to go look at a blouse, but left her stuff in line. She returned moments later. Shortly after that, another register opened (not directly next to us, but one away to the right) and 6 people moved to that line. Their line was moving pretty fast and ours, barely at all, but I decided to stay, as there were only 3 people ahead of me. The woman directly ahead of me, decided to move, and picked up her stuff and moved to the other line. I moved up into her space. A third register opened and the woman said our woman was going on break soon, so she'd take from me back to her register - which was between the two already open. As I started to move, the woman who had been ahead of me, walked up to the register and said "I was here". The woman behind our new register, said, "Ma'am I am taking only from this line." Since she, and EVERYONE ELSE at the registers had seen this woman move from the right line to our line, in front of me. I said, "But you switched lines." And the woman at our original register said, "You weren't there." "Yes I was!" proclaimed this woman. She looked down at my 3 little items and said, "go ahead", then got in line BEHIND ME! As if she were granting me some wonderful courtesy to let me ahead of her. I explained to the cash register woman (out of earshot of jumping lines lady) that the woman behind me HAD been in our line ahead of me, but had moved. Register woman said that happened alot. Then, the jumping lines lady said to me, "I just wanted to get home before my son." (I contemplated for a split second, letting her back ahead of me, but I'd already waited in line 15 minutes and was annoyed.) I gave her a closed-lip smile and turned back around. "It's not that he's young, but I still like to be home when he gets there." Again with the kid thing. For all the kidless people in the world, I turned to her and said, "Then I guess we all have somewhere to be", smiled and turned back around. (Mom got SUCH a kick out of this story!)

So, here it is: Why should I have to go second in line b/c you've got a kid at home? Why should I be assulted at my meal by latex b/c your child thinks it's funny? Why should you get seated before me b/c you have to set your child down? Doesn't my purse-doubling (lately)-as-a-Circuit City have to be set down too? My life should not be (can't think of the word I want here) imposed upon because you decided to have a child and I did not (or have not yet).

I have since calmed down from my Ross incident, feeling slightly vindicated for speaking my point. (Even if it was only to one person, who tried to convince an entire store she was right, when they all saw with their own eyes she was wrong, so she won't take it to heart anyway...but still...) Mom and I were at yoga tonight, waiting outside for the studio to be emptied by the class ahead of us, when another woman waiting with us noticed a sign that next Friday the gym would be closed after 4:30pm...and thus, no Yoga (mom was very pouty about this). She mentioned it to our teacher, who was standing with us. He said the staff (instructors, sales people and front desk people) had to take their children out for halloween and they couldn't find enough others to fill in, so they were just closing. "You know, those of us without kids just have to re-arrange our lives for those with them." Mom and I just smiled, as he smiled at us with his little smile to follow a sarcastic comment. We knew just what he meant. :)

Hey Guys! It's me again! Twice in the same month! :)

I think of alot of things I want to say here, during my day. It never fails though, when I sit down to do it, I either can't remember what it was, or it just doesn't seem as good as it did hours before when it came to me!

I've been thinking alot about the future. My future and what should be included in it. Or more over, I guess, who should be included in it. I've decided the best male in my life, ever, is Maverick. (Sorry, guys...but even you best guy friends fall a bit short of him! :) ) I think I have too high an opinion of most of humanity. Yes, even through all my cynicism. I think it is because of this I am often disappointed by people. Or maybe, I just think so highly of myself, it doesn't seem plausible to me to think anyone WOULD disappoint me. It is these thoughts that make me reconsider the notion of marriage, at least in my life. Perhaps, I will always be disappointed by people, and thus, my idea of marriage is too lofty to ever be attained, leaving me once again, disappointed. (Did this make sense? It completely makes sense in my head, but I think it gets a bit lost in translation.) Maybe I just need to realize this and believe it is better to remain detached romantically then get involved in a relationship doomed to disappoint me. Because, essentially, anything short of my ideal will disappoint me, and maybe my ideal is too much for any person to ever live up to? Or maybe, I think about it too much.

The reason for the marriage contemplation stems a bit from my grandmother. She is a saint. Honestly, I know the world is safe as long as she is still on it, because God would whisk her away before destroying us. It's not even a bias opinion. Everyone who has ever met my grandmother would agree with me. She is a saint. Every good saint needs to defy something and my grandmother is no different. Saturday, against all her promises to the contrary, she ascended the stairs to get blankets for their bed. She tossed the blankets down the steps and began her descent.

The story gets a little fuzzy from this point, until the point where my grandfather, who was sitting in the kitchen, enjoying his breakfast, heard the front storm door rattle and walked out to find my grandmother with her waist and below in the house and her head and top half out of the house. After the ambulance and ER visit, my 86 year-old grandmother with a broken femur was scheduled for a Sunday surgery. (The docotr said that with her bones being "soft" it is quite possible she didn't miss the last step, as we all thought, and that her femur just broke, causing her fall.) She got through surgery well, minus a little anesthesia reaction, common to surgery and is currently in a rehabilitation hospital learning to use a walker (but mostly just sick from the fact they keep screwing up and around with her medications. But I digress...).

In any case, it is in time like this, I realize my grandmother isn't going to be around forever. And each time something happens, it seems like forever gets shorter and shorter. I would like nothing more than for my grandmother to see my wedding...and for me to see her at it. My grandmother really liked Neil. No one is really sure why. At my graduation party, he didn't come down from his deck to meet her (or my grandfather) or to her house for our family gathering one week when he was in town recruiting. She always just said it was something she saw in me when I talked about him. She didn't think the same of Ryan and no one else has ever mattered enough to mention. My cousin, Josh was blessed to have her at his wedding and now around to hold his first born child (Keri). It's a joy I'm afraid I'll never know. She used to (a year or so ago) joke around and say she's not going anywhere until after I'm married, at least, but marriage (heck, even a boyfriend, who claims me as a girlfriend and lasts for more than a year) seems farther and farther off and grandmom gets older and older. Sometimes I think I was closer to marriage at 19 then I am at 28.

For all this talk about marriage, I just thought I'd let you all know, in case you'd begun to wonder, I'm still not a "husband hunting" type person, or one who will marry just to be married...but I guess I just wonder often if the ideal is possible, or should I just give up marriage all together? Just think how many cats I'll have in my lifetime if I do that and live to be at least 86? Either that, or Mav's gonna have to last a LONG time! :)

Contrary to popular belief...I am not dead. Nor did I fall off the face of the earth. Well, maybe that part's not true. Some days, I think I'm in hell. :)

Which genius person decided that 8am was a good hour of the day to begin working? AND, why did they feel the need to suck the rest of us into this!?!?!

This added to the fact that my office is one hour away, makes for a VERY CRANKY JENN! 6am everyday and my body DO NOT get along! So, I have been getting home about 6pm, heading to the gym, eating, and hitting the bed by 9 or 9:30pm. This is the reason you all think I died. Sorry about that. I just have no energy or creative thought to even put together a "Hi! How are ya?" email.

I do have an announcement though. The part of me that was holding out for a fairy tale ending...to anything...is gone. I tried to be optimistic, but I'm now 3 weeks into this new job and it's not getting better. The fact that one of the last thoughts I have every day is "What in the hell happened with my life?" goes to prove that the naive, romantic side of me is gone. No longer am I holding out for better, or thinking there must be a reason...just resigned to the fact that this is it. The big ending to a movie that sucks. You keep holding on, hoping it gets better, that everything comes together beautifully, as we all imagined, in the end. Only to come to the end of the movie and you realize that you spent 2 hours watching a horrible movie, holding out hope it would get better, but the only plot kicker was that you wasted 2 hours and hope b/c there was no twist, it didn't get better, and now you feel angry and "duped" by the promise of something better in the end. (Isn't cynical Jenn fun? ;) ) I no longer have the energy to hold out hope for better in my life. I'm too tired. Tired of being disappointed; tired of being hurt; tired of getting my hopes up to watch them come crashing down; and honestly, just plain tired.

So, now that I have shared the "new faces of Jenn", I'm gonna head downstairs for a bite to eat and some sleep. I hope you all are doing well. I'll try and write more soon. (It'll be easier when I have a laptop and can write when I still feel energized! :) Maybe then too, they'll let me do something at work besides read copier user manuals! :) ) Night!

Just wanted to let you all know I have two job interviews tomorrow. One is for a temp job through August and the other is a full time job in my Uncle's company, based in Delaware. For all this time not working, you'd think I'd be happy. Instead, I'm miserable.

I'll use an analogy Claudia (the woman I saw as a therapist in Greensboro) used to use. Something about waves and before you can recover from one the next one hits. I'm gonna change it abit. In the last three years I feel as though I started very close to the shore. I noticed I was near the shore and was looking at how to get there. I had the energy, the drive, and...let's say, a raft to take me. So I hopped on the raft and paddled like crazy. This got me further away than I was before. Figuring it was the raft, I tossed it aside and paddled like crazy without it. Wave after wave hit and I ended up VERY far away from the shore and tired. I rested (for about 6 months), got up the energy, found the shore and began paddling. Along the way, I encountered massive waves that kept knocking me back and making me tired. Every once in awhile I'd pass a sandbar. No, I'd say, I'm not gonna get settled on a sandbar. It'll be too hard to leave again. I'm headed for the shore.

So, here I am, two and something years later and still no closer to the shore. As a matter of fact, I'm much further away after 2 and something years of paddling. Each day that passes with no progress kills a little piece of your hope for a good life. One better than just padding to get to shore. No granted, you know that when you get to shore, it's gonna be walking, hiking, and new obstacles, but oh just to be on shore. To be that close. For a new set of challenges and scenery instead of what you've been caught in for so long. You remember the shore. How you felt on dry land, how much fun it was...and each day that passes eats away a little more at your resolve to get there. I'm always surprised at how much of me is left alive on the day I feel that little piece of me die.

My resolve is gone. The shore is so far away and the constant barage of waves has left me feeling as though my destiny is not one that ever is going to involve the shore. So, I look towards a sandbar (and set up two interviews with them, to see if they'll take me) and try and come to the realization a sandbar may be as close to land as I'll ever see. And once again it hits me, how much of me was still alive, and is right now dying.

So, how many times have I said I'm gonna wirte more often? How many times have I actually done it? Wow! I can't believe I haven't had a thought since the end of June! ;)

I hope everyone's summer is going well. Here's the life update on me:

I have ANOTHER (yes, another) Dr. appointment on Thursday. This one is with a GI specialist. I'm hoping he can give me some insight as to what is going on with me! (It seems all of you who told me I was full of crap...just fortuative! :) ) The bad side of this is that, after MANY discussions with my health insurance agency am not currently covered. I'm hoping to rememdy that with a COBRA policy in time to get whatever tests he issues for me (if any).

My car has decided that since so many other things around me are or have fallen apart, it does not want to be left out! On the way to the Dr. in late June, a rock jumped up and put a quarter-size crack in my windshield, just down from the rear-view mirror. Today, I stopped on my way to work to get gas and my car wouldn't start again. It is currently sitting at the dealer to be "evaluated". Hopefully, a nice $200 investment should make it feel loved again!

How is it that whenever you get to a place where you are actually saving or making money, something comes along and steals it all away?!?!?

Today is Michael Kramer's 27th Birthday! YEA MIKE! He is spending it, wherelse, watching baseball and driving! I hope he's got good LA weather (as that is where he is watching baseball). Speaking of baseball, I got an email from Neil. And although I know there's not a whole lot of you that like him, he is still job hunting, so please keep him in your thoughts. I know how AWFUL this unemployment stuff is and wouldn't wish it on anyone! (Marital woes, yes wish away; job woes...no.)

Jill is still with Sean. From all accounts (except Jill's), things sound awful. I witnessed his low sinking first hand when, at Trish's housewarming, he hit on Trish's cousin while Jill was standing IN THE ROOM! I was not the only one who interpreted their "conversation" as big-time flirting. But, my stupid sister forgives him every wrong and just rolls over when it comes to him. I'm hoping the light goes on before she gets hurt again.

Amy and Brad FINALLY have a house! They will be moving July 31st. Job pending - I may go down and help Amy clean and move. According to her and the Dr. She and Baby Lewis are doing well. Her expected date is October 18th. (right, Aim? I'm a little short-term memory deficent lately.) Trish and my friend Rachel is doing well too. Her expected date is November 2nd. Better go on time, so as not to interrupt Trish's November 29th wedding date! Our friend Cara (same group of friends, Trish's from college) is engaged and getting settled in her new Rhode Island home. She took a job up there just a few months ago and she and her finace moved shortly after.

That might be everyone for which I have stuff to mention. Oh, I forgot. Mom and I went consignment shop shopping this weekend. No clothes fit. Yes, I'm still complaining about my VERY out of proportion body. I must say, the longer this tumultuous lifestyle goes on, the more frustrated I become and the further it beats me down. I guess the positive is that I haven't given in and become "settled" with where I am b/c I still know I can do better. BUT, I just wanna get there and start on the road towards getting out of this Hell. Whoever said the journey is half the fun must've been on a COMPLETELY different ride.

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it
the seed of an equal or greater benefit.
- Napoleon Hill

(I certainly hope so!)

O.K. I'm just gonna mention this again....that guy of Samantha's from Episode one of the new season. Yowza!

It's hot here in NJ. A/C broke Friday and the repair guys won't be here until Wed. So, we're muddling thru.

Worked for the temp agency today, got an interview with a place tomorrow thru them to work for the summer. I was thinking though, if I'm gonna settle for the summer at a part-time job, why not settle for a year in a salaried job. So, I think I might just go on the interview then look for full-time work doing whatever. The last interview I had was a perfect job for me - working at March of Dimes helping the Special Events people with their events part-time. But, they thought I was overqualified. Ironic, huh?

Don't really have any thoughts to write about, except it's hot and I'm tired, but I thought I'd check in with ya'll. I'll write later this week. Hope everything is well.

O.K. Ignore the pink and kitty comment. I published the blog and the numbers got MORE screwed up than they are now...so I changed the format to this one! :)

Yes, I know...it's pink. But it's got a kitty and it was time for a change. :) But, probably not the best one for the Sports-themed blog of today. I was reading the Ultmiate Scoreboard today (www.espn.go.com) and lots of Page 2's about throwback jerseys and the like. However, on U. Scoreboard they listed the top Jersey #'s of all-time, all sports from 00-99. So, I thought I'd get all ya'll's opinion...(keep an eye out for my astriks and see if you can guess why I would've picked differently! :) )

# 0 Al Oliver #26 Wade Boggs, Boston Red Sox
#00 Robert Parish, Boston Celtics #27 Juan Marichal, San Francisco Giants
#1 Ozzie Smith, St. Louis Cardinals #28 Marshall Faulk, St. Louis Rams
#2 Secretariat #29 Satchel Paige, St. louis Brown
#3 Babe Ruth, New York Yankees #30 Nolan Ryan, California Angels
#4 Bobby Orr, Boston Bruins #31 Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves
#5 Joe Di Maggio, New York Yankees #32 Jim Brown, Cleveland Browns
#6 Julius Erving, Philadelphia 76ers #33 Larry Bird, Boston Celtics
#7 Mickey Mantle, New York Yankees #34 Walter Payton, Chicago Bears
#8 Cal Ripken, Jr., Baltimore Orioles #35 Frank Thomas, Chicago White Sox
#9 Ted Williams, Boston Red Sox #36 Robin Roberts, Philadelphia Phillies
#10 Pele, Brazil #37 Casey Stengel, New York Yankees
#11 Mark Messier, Edmonton Oilers #38 Curt Shilling, Arizona
#12 Terry Bradshaw, Pittsburgh Steelers #39 Roy Campanella, Brooklyn Dodgers
#13 Wilt chamberlain, Philadelphia 76ers #40 Gale Sayers, Chicago Bears
#14 Pete Rose, Cincinnati Reds #41 Tom Seaver, New York Mets
#15 Bart Starr, Green Bay Packers #42 Jackie Robinson, Brooklyn Dodgers
#16 Joe Montana, San Francisco 49ers #43 Richard Petty
#17 John Havlicek, Boston Celtics #44 Hank Aaron, Milwaukee Braves
#18 Charlie Joiner, San Diego Chargers #45 Bob Gibson, St. Louis Cardinals
#19 Johnny Unitas, Baltimore Colts #46 Lee Smith, Chicago Cubs
#20 Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions *** #47 Tom Glavine, Atlanta Braves
#21 Roger Clemens, Boston Red Sox *** #48 Sam Mc Dowell, Cleveland Indians
#22 Emmitt Smith, Dallas Cowboys #49 Ron Guidry, New York Yankees
#23 Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls #50 David Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
#24 Willie Mays, New York Giants
#25 Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#51 Dick Butkus, Chicago Bears #75 Mean Joe Green, Pittsburgh Steelers
#52 Mike Webster, Pittsburgh Steelers #76 Shawn Bradley, Philadelphia 76ers
#53 Don Drysdale, Los Angeles Dodgers #77 Ray Bourque, Boston Bruins
#54 Goose Gossage, New York Yankees #78 Bruce Smith, Buffalo Bills
#55 Orel Hershiser, Los Angeles Dodgers #79 Harvey Martin, Dallas Cowboys
#56 Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants #80 Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers
#57 Tom Jackson, Denver Broncos #81 Dick "Night Train" Lane, Detroit Lions
#58 Jack Lambert, Pittsburgh Steelers #82 John Stallworth, Pittsburgh Steelers
#59 Jack Ham, Pittsburgh Steelers #83 Ted hendricks, Oakland Raiders
#60 Otto Graham, Cleveland Browns #84 Shannon Sharpe, Denver Broncos
#61 Curley Culp, Kansas City Chiefs #85 Jack Youngblood, Los Angeles Rams
#62 Jim Langer, Miami Dolphins #86 Buck Bucannan, Kansas City Chiefs
#63 Gene Upshaw, Oakland Raiders #87 Dwight Clark, San Francisco 49ers
#64 Jerry Kramer, Green Bay Packers #88 Lynn Swann, Pittsburgh Steelers
#65 Gary Zimmerman, Minnesota Vikings #89 Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears
#66 Mario Lemieux, Pittsburgh Penguins #90 Neil Smith, Kansas City Chiefs
#67 Reggie Mc Kenzie, Buffalo Bills #91 Dennis Rodman, Chicago Bulls
#68 Jaromir Jagr, Pittsburgh Penguins #92 Reggie White, Green Bay Packers
#69 Tim Krumrie, Cincinnati Bengals #93 Doug Gilmour, Toronto Maple Leafs
#70 Sam Huff, New York Giants #94 Charles Haley, Sna Francisco 49ers
#71 Alex Karras, Detroit Lions #95 Richard Dent, Chicago Bears
#72 Carlton Fisk, Chicago White Sox #96 Cortez Kennedy, Seattle Seahawks
#73 John Hannah, New England Patriots #97 Cornelius Bennett, Buffalo Bills
#74 Merlin Olsen, Los angeles Rams #98 Tom Harmon, Michigan Wolverines
#99 Wayne Gretzky, Edmonton Oilers

Hey everyone!
Thought in honor of the new SITC (did anyone see Samantha's man of the episode?!?!? WOW!)....

So, Drs. can't find anything wrong with me, so they've proclaimed me o.k. Typical Drs. ya know.

Got a phone call from Neil today. I wrote him on his b-day (yeah, yeah, I know) and wanted to know how he was handling his early retirement from UNCG. No word. So, of course, I couldn't just let it go and be ignored! :) So, he called.

I was doing alot of thinking between his b-day and this morning. And the whole saga makes me pretty angry. Only problem is, I haven't been able to pinpoint one thing or entity to be mad at. (or...at which to be mad) I am mad for ever meeting him; mad at myself for getting involved with him; mad at him for using me or not loving me or not respecting me or whatever (maybe all of the above and more)...shall we say for treating me as he did all those years. Just mad at the circumstances and why I haven't been able to move past them. And lately, at why he is so freakin' happy in his life and with her, etc. and why every time I turn a corner I get hit by a truck.

So, I was thinking maybe it was better he wasn't writing back. In his message he said Christy still isn't comfortable with he and I talking (I'm sure it incites arguements, which makes me happy), but "I am comfortable with our relationship and she is still learning that" (which I took to mean his and hers, but Trish thought he meant his and mine).

And really, why shouldn't he be? He gets to be friends with me and be married to her. The best of both. (well, maybe to him. Personally, I think anything with her involved is a nightmare - and actually has been to me in the past 2 years - but maybe she's someone's flavor of happy.) I concocted a few responses, but am still debating whether or not I should even respond.

It's funny he remarked she's not comfortable with he and I being friends. I'm not sure if I am comfortable with it either. Every conversation, email, lack of email, etc. from him (or with Mike, who is a "link" from Neil to me) upsets me. It's a reminder of how he was with me for 2 years or more in some non-relationship/relationship way and then, just up and left. And not that I need a reminder. Every date I go on I compare to him, to how compatible we were. No guy stands a chance. And certain things I do...well, they remind me of him too. I try to push through. Sit through a baseball game, or Wal-Mart, heck, even grocery shopping, b/c these were things I enjoyed before him and should "get back on the horse", so to speak. Not let him ruin the things I enjoyed. To know she's were I was, and want to be and he's happy it's her there not me. Do I really need this reminder? This "comfortable" relationship? Is the "complete" feeling I have when hearing from him writing to him and aching I feel when he's not "around" really worth the painful stabbing and total saddness I feel when reminded of his choice?

And her...to be "not comfortable"...Not only did he leave me, he left for his wife, Christy, who isn't comfortable with us talking...through email. Now, as you might've guessed, I don't like her much. Christy and I used to be pretty good friends. Until she and Neil broke up the first time. But, all the manipulating she did purposely and while being "supportive" of Neil and I...it leaves a VERY deep resentment. And apparently, she didn't figure out she won. She's the one he's living with, playing house, and moving to wherever his job might take them. She hurt me worse than I'd ever been hurt before (well, he did, but she was the catalyst), so she wins there too. Hurts me, throws my life into a complete downward spiral, AND gets the man she wanted. And yet, she's bothered by email? In some ways I feel bad for her for this. Jealous of a woman millions of miles away and insecure in a relationship she's invested time, energy and years in. And this is gonna be the rest of your life? Living with a man you can't complete trust is completely yours?

So, in true Carrie style.... In a relationship so riddled with hurt and love and caring and pain worth it? (Do the pros outweigh the cons?)

Hey Guys!

Well, I'm up and it's 11pm. Go figure. So far today I got up, had a great lunch with my mom, finished one of two CD's for my CD exchange, had an initial interview for a part-time job, bought new clothes, visited with Trish, bought a Ru-u-u-ben CD, ate pizza and here I am.

I'm a bit nervous about this stupid Dr. visit test tomorrow. I know it's silly...but I hate not knowing what's wrong when stuff goes wrong. Just tell me what it is and I'll set about fixing it. This not having control stuff stinks! And usually, I have a pretty good idea about what's wrong with me. If I can't tell b/c I've had it before, I set about searching and researching until I get symptoms that "click" with my gut feeling. The ones I've found so far are not comforting.

So, in a way, I hope tomorrow shows something, but then again, I hope it shows nothing. (Vague, I know, but no sense blurting out every diagnosis I come up with. - Or that my P.A. has come up with. She's tried to make me pregnant 3 times! :) ) Sorry to be vague, again, but who knows what it is. I'm just nervous.

That...plus the fact the test requires you to drink 32 oz. of water, then not pee! What kind of superwoman thought up this test! (Oh, probably my mother. She NEVER goes! :) ) Oh, that and add the equivalent of a three year old jumping on your bladder while you try not to pee! Even better! The fun never ends! :)

O.k. Now, here's the deal....I have this three-year-old test tomorrow, and if nothing comes up, I'm gonna request a blood test (nope. still not pregnant! :) ), THEN I'll fill you guys in on what it IS or ISN'T. Sound good? O.k. Works for me!

Well, guess I'm off to bed. Gotta get up early and fill my body with water! :) Happy Birthday Sweetheart, wherever you may be tonight. I Miss You and love you very much.

Well, two baseball games in one day and Mac and Cheese for dinner. What could be better?!?!? The A's were back in town for the first time this weekend since the 1940's. It, and the "fuss" made over the Philadelphia A's return, reminded me of a gentleman I knew for two or three years in Greensboro. One who had the pleasure of playing for "Mr. Mack" (as he was referred) and who reminded me so much of my grandfather. His name? How about a hint?

"After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart."

Mr. Lawrence Columbus "Crash" Davis.

Neil just about knocked me off my chair one evening sitting around his apartment my second year in Greensboro. He had just asked me what my favorite movie was. "Bull Durham" (not like you all didn't know that)

"I can introduce you to Crash Davis."
"Haha. Very funny."
"No, I'm not kidding. Crash Davis, the one the movie was based on, lives in Greensboro and comes to all our games."

I couldn't speak. I was so excited. Later that year, during baseball season, I met Crash at our brand new UNCG Baseball Stadium. He was tall, lean, carried himself much like my grandpop does, even wore his hat the same way - flat brim, just barely resting on top of his head. As I would find out, pretty much everyone in Greensboro knew Crash. I guess it was later that baseball season I began working weekends at a local gym. Who emerged every Friday night from the locker room with a big smile on his face? Mr. Davis himself. It seemed the last couple of years he was in many of the same places I was. We talked a little about baseball...about the Spartans, see ya at the game...that kind of thing. Always a smile, and a mischevious little wink and off he went.

The following year, I worked at the Spartan Club. Scott and I decided to attend (and then take over) our Head Baseball coaches coffees he set up for all the older gentlemen in Greensboro who were involved or interested in baseball. They used to show up, chit-chat amongst themselves, and with anyone there. Coach Gaski would show up, talk about our UNCG team and occasionally give the guys hats or shirts. These mornings, maybe a quick side hug (the kind grandpop and I share sometimes), then off to coffee. As that season drew near, Crash was ailing. Neil used to fill me in on the latest updates he received from Coach Gaski. The season wasn't quite the same. Crash would show up when he could. When I didn't see him, I'd worry. But somehow, he would always show up again, even if just for the opening pitch. He threw out the first pitch at our minor league stadium in April of 2001.

Neil called me to tell me Crash had passed away. I believe it was September 1st, when he called. I went with Scott to the memorial service being held at the Presbyterian Church downtown. (Neil accompanied Gaski) Such a beautiful place. It was a sunny day and the church was full of people who had stories mimicing the light-hearted, friendly Crash I knew. It was hard to be sad, knowing the life Crash had lived, the people he had touched, and the happiness it seemed he had in all his years.

The first meeting of the Coffee Club after that was the first one Scott and I hosted. When the gentlemen showed up, we took the first 20 minutes or so relaying stories they all had about Crash. Everyone left and Scott, Gaski and I sat around until 10am in that stadium, on that gorgeous sunny day talking about Crash and baseball...Spartan baseball specifically. It's a day I'll never forget. September 11, 2001. Somehow, I'm glad Crash missed it.

How funny it is. I set out to meet someone I "loved" and wound up meeting someone I loved. Crash loved people. He touched everyone he met. Would tell them the story about how he IS Crash Davis. But nothing like Kevin Costner's Crash Davis, because HE was better looking! :) Then he'd smile, and somehow, he'd go from a "famous figure" to grandpop. And not only mine, he seemed like every grandpop kids think of - the ones who'd tell you a story, slip you some candy, tell you not to tell your parents and wink? - it was Crash.

So, we bought my grandpop an A's history book. Had it signed by the A's guy that was there (Spooky Jacobs) and away we went. Sometime, during the 3 or 4th inning of the second game, I happened across a handsome young man with a gorgeous smile and the sweetest dimples. There, on the left hand page, in the 1940's section of the book, sat Crash. Finally, grandpop and Crash will meet.

I think of him often, and his family and everyone who loved him - meeting him as I did, because of the movie, or in their daily lives. And while I wish I knew him better, got a chance to hear his stories of days gone by, I wonder if it's just him, or my grandfather, as well. The thought of him being gone always tears just a little at my heart. So, Crash, one day we will sit down - my grandfather and me - and record the stories for posterity. And make our own movie to reach out to people.

Hi All!

Gee....almost one month since my last Blog....makes you think I've been busy or something! :) Well, I think I emailed you all about my latest trips, etc...so I'll just emotionally ramble for awhile, how's that sound?

I've had Neil on my mind since the Friday I found out he'd been fired. Shock, right? Not like he's not usually up there hiding behind brain cells, popping out to say Hi at strange times, but he's been blatantly out in the open this week - looking like he needs a hug. (I tried to squeeze some brain matter around him and pop him out, but it didn't work! :( ) He popped up again while I was sleeping this morning. Apparently, he's directing a play or something up there, b/c the dream was pretty vivid. I often wonder, especially with me, if a dream is what I want to happen, what has happened, what will happen, or what is supposed to happen. Maybe some combination of the first two. As in my old tornado dreams (you guys remember those, right?), I had to find Neil to save myself from the tornados. Last night, the "dream Jenn" (which, by the way is a misnomer - nothing dream about feeling frantic, lost, like you're talking and no one can hear you, stressed and traumatized...but I was a nice, skinny size 8! :) ) calmed down after boarding a plane to GSO with Neil and leaving the fie behind. Probably more the "what I want to happen" than what will, just to assure you all.

Anyway, I guess I feel like I'm the only one who can make him better. Why are women like that? Why do we think we are the only ones who are capable of soothing a hurt, righting a wrong, or mending a situation? I think it's a maternal nature. Women are geared towards "getting" involved b/c we need it to survive as a mother. Think about it, if your mother didn't think she could make everything right in your world, why did she kiss your scrapes, get involved in all your "issues", and pick out your clothes for school :) ? Becuase if she didn't do it, your scrapes would become infected and you'd eventually be limbless, you'd turn all your issues from mountains to molehills and you'd get picked on at school! :) O.k., maybe, in reality, it was because she loved you and wanted to love you so much all your problems and potential problems went away. The problem with Neil is, that after all this time and hurt, after the things he did that hurt me so deeply...I still love him. And, I don't think anyone else will love him the way I did. Therefore, I am the only one who can make all his hurt go away. (Gee, and you guys thought lack of self-esteem was my problem! Never thought I'd have an overinflated sense of self, huh? :) :) ) (I also don't think he loves Christy the way he loved me. I can prove it, but maybe another time, lest I get too far off track!) And maybe he does too. Maybe that's why he emailed me first thng when he got fired, or why he calls when he fights with Gaski, or why he calls when gets down on himself.

Who knows?!?!? All I know is I wish I didn't always feel tormented by conflicting feeling where he's concerned. Come to think of it...I wish I didn't have any feelings where he is concerned at all. Well, that's not true. I wish I felt happiness, and indifference. Like I do with Ryan. Glad things are going well for him, happy he has found a woman who seems so very perfect for him, etc. But instead, I love Neil. Which in and of itself conflicts me. I love him, and therefore want his happiness. For him to experience love and joy and ultimate happiness...even if the person that makes him feel that way is not me. How fair is it to say, I want you to be happy, but only with me? No Happiness for you with anyone else! And if I thought he were really the kind of happy he exhibited with me (at times. Not to get high on myself, but through all the non-commitment and cheating crap, there were ALOT of the silly, child-like, a five-year old with a new toy, stolen kisses in the kitchen, making me breakfast at 2am and showing me off to his friends happy moments he let shine through.), maybe I'd feel a little less conflicted. Because the other parts of me, the five-year old who had is toy taken away parts, that want to scream and kick and cry and yell about how it's not fair, blah, blah, blah. So, I try and focus on the being happy for him (which is hard to do b/c I don't think he's really happy) and not so much the hurt that it's not me.

So I guess lately, my "it's not me" side has taken over. It does that when I know he's experiencing happy or sad moments and I'm not there. I guess it's hard to want to be there for every moment...to get through your moments (good and bad) together...and not have any "together" to get through things with. It's how I've felt about my job, my moving home, dating, and even him. He's the one I want to share the feelings on all of the above with. But he's not there. And I keep trying to figure out if it's harder b/c I know there is someone else in his life who gets to "be me".

So, I pray to God to give me the strength to get through this (still) and with the same energy pray he'll help Neil to find the happiness and joy I want for him.

I hope you all are doing alright. Just a little Blog reader bonding update: Trish is getting over a virus, but is moved into her new house and it looks fabulous! Amy went for a sonogram and everything was o.k. (No report on the Dr. after visit though) Karen has started her new job and seems to love it. Kristina has become a pilot on the San Diego - Raleigh Southwest flight...well, maybe not, but she certainly has enough miles logged! :) Not so much anymore though, b/c Mike is back in Winston. I don't know all the particulars, but they lost to Cal-Fullerton in the first round Regionals, then beat somebody (can't remember who), so they played Notre Dame Saturday. If they won, they played Cal-Fullerton again; if they lost, it was over. When I called Mike Monday, he was headed to GSO, so I'm guessing the lost, just don't know in which game. AJ is turning a green pit into a pool and Sunday will be cooking on the Egg if anyone wants to drop in on him in Augusta, GA! :) (Hey AJ, you don't care, do you?) That's it that I know of. As for me, I'm taking full advantage of being off tomorrow to try and increase the pigment on my derma...seaside! :) Keep checking this site. I'm gonna try to be more religious about writing (although, according to mom, I have no religuous about religion, so maybe that's not a good analogy! :) ). And yes, I know I said that before, but I've got time now! :)

P.S. (pre-script) : If the following Blog makes no sense, or rambles, I apologize. Sentances are VERY difficult lately! Work has sapped the Jenn right out of me and left a tired Blonde in her place! :)

Hey Guys! I'm not sure if anyone reads this anymore, but I figured I'd write. Even if it's just for me.

Anyway, I've been SO busy at work lately. WE are about a month behind schedule and only have a week and a half to get caught up! So, here's the Jenn briefing from NJ:

* I talked to Robert (or Tenn guy) about working at UT. They just had a 15% budget cut. I guess it's happening all over. Anyway, he's not sure he can get me in with him. I did apply for a job with the Agriculture Development office and Robert said he'd write to the Chair, as well as trying to get him to swing by Globals to meet me casually. Maureen told me she's 98% positive Bob is gonna offer me a job with DI after Globals. I was iffy about staying, depending on what they'd have me doing, but the way employment is today, I'm thinking even if I hate it I should probably take it. I'm also thinking about going back to A.T. Von Leer said he might get an Assistant and he wants me to come back there...which I might do.

I always wonder if the reasons behind things not working out is b/c you are not "supposed" to be in that direction. And unfort., it seems the direction I'd like to go is not the one I'm supposed to be in. I guess "supposed" to might mean you hate every minute of what you do, but if it's what God planned, you're stuck with it. I just have a real problem with being given the love of something and then it seems oh no, not for you. I feel the same way about children recently. I've always wanted to be a mother. I've always loved and been great with kids. But lately, I just feel like maybe I'm not supposed to be a mother or have kids. Especially with all the problems I've been having lately. Maybe there is a less "punishment theory" explanation than the only one that keeps coming to my mind in that, I just don't understand why the thought would be nurtured there in the first place if it was never to be. So, maybe I'm supposed to be an athletic trainer. Maybe the last two years or so have been God's way of telling me that my choice to pick a more "family" oriented path for my life was not what I'm supposed to do. That by trying to be "ahead" of the game in not making a late in life transition from A.T. to another career b/c of my kids and husband just derailed me from a life in Athletic Training and possibly without the family I've always wanted.

So, I might go back to it. I'm not quite sure my body can handle it, though. I get real tired easily and can't seem to keep up the pace of a normal 40 year old, let alone a 27 year old. Speaking of my body, it's revolting. Not as in the make-nauseous way, but the fighting against itself way. I'm not quite sure what all it entails, I'm just hoping it gets straightened out soon. And I don't mean just the "girl" stuff. Oh, BTW, I go to the Dr. on Wed. to get checked out. Hopefully, you all will be right and everything will be fine. We'll know by this weekend. Somehow, I get this gut feeling it's not gonna be completely o.k. (But I have to tell you, I'm not sure if I can handle an involved "not o.k.", so it better be a quick-fix one.) And, I've decided that after this, I'm changing Drs. I miss my OB/GYN from Greensboro. I wonder if I could convince him to move. :) This office seems disorganized and impersonal and I have too many problems to feel like I'm a "take-a-number" patient at a deli! I keep crying at Ikea commercials. I've mourned that stupid lamp for weeks now.

Jumping to crying....a woman called me this morning to tell me her entire town/school had been wiped out by the tornado. She was crying as she was trying to speak to tell us she was supposed to bring 4 teams to our Global event and they weren't sure now they could pay us, or get their props together (they have to re-make them) in time. We assured them if they wanted to come, we would make sure they had what they needed to compete. When Lori (the woman) spoke to Maureen, she said she had been fine until I was nice to her, then she lost it crying and to apologize. Little did she know I passed her along and broke down myself. So, please, keep Carl Junction, MO in your thoughts.

Well, I'm off to bed before I start crying at the fact I gotta get up tomorrow! I can't WAIT until next week when I get off this stupid medication! I hope the next one is better not worse! I'm running out of moods to try! :) I hope you all are doing well.

Love, Jenn

ARGH!

I wrote a whole Blog last night and it didn't stay here! :( Mad, Mad, Mad!

Anyway, I just wanted to check. I don't really feel like it right now, bad work mood. I have no work, everyone around me is busy and they're making me stay late. You'd think it would be the perfect time to Blog...but it's not. maybe later in my prision sentance here! :)

Alright...this will be quick, since I'm at work...but it's the only keyboard I've got that's functioning normally! :) Well, it's not the keyboard's fault at home...the whole computer is getting ready to go Ka-put any time now. Bad Computer battery...among other issues.

Anyway, so back to the female thing (fun for you guys, I know). Anyway, the Dr. put me back on my B.C. hormones...which everyone at home (including me) is THRILLED (sarcasm) about! I;d say I've been very typical mood-swing woman except for the fact the only two moods I'm having are severely annoyed/angry and sad/"blue". For either good or bad, the annoyed/angry one wins out most of the time. Lucky me, huh? (Yes, it's even annoying me. So far I've lost a couple pairs of "favorite" clothes b/c they don't fit and rather than being rational about it...I get angry and toss them in the trash. I hope SOMETHING fits, otherwise, I'll be naked soon! ;) ) Aim, if you feel like this...I'M SO SORRY!

So, anyway...I also wanted to elaborate on the ice cream thing I mentioned earlier (see Blind Date Blog). I wanna know why I attract either Vanilla or Rocky Road? I was telling Jill Thursday night at the Yankees game (after spending Wed. at "the Phils" Place) that I want someone who's a little Tin Roof Sundae Cone. (Like me...) Not all vanilla- has got a little chocolate, fun and is a little nuts. Should that be so hard to find? I was trying to figure out the perfect ice cream flavor to describe me...yep...you guys are getting homework. Let me know all YOUR Ice Cream flavors (and why) and I'll send the list around to everyone who reads the blog (namely, Trish, Kare, Amy...and maybe a few others...I'll know you're reading when you respond! :) )

Which brings me somehow to my poor lone goose. O.k. Now, before you guys mention it...Jill has already told me I'm nuts, so it's well-covered ground. See...I was driving to work one day when I notcied a Canadian Goose standing in the field by itself. (I figured it's a male...and I'll get to why later.) I felt bad. It's mate was no where in sight...and neither were any signs of a "gaggle". (not herd, as was the first thing to come to my mind! :) ) So either it has no mate or (more than likely) something happened to its mate. I felt bad for it all day. So, I looked on the way home and alas...there was the goose. Now, I keep thinking it's a male goose. The reason is because when I have seen the geese in gaggles (we have tons by the lake in our development), the male geese are always standing near the street, looking out at the cars and all around, as if to protect the gaggle while the children and females eat. The Protectors. Well, this poor lone goose was doing just that, except instead of protecting other geese, he was just wandering around looking lost and sad trying to protect geese that were no longer there.

I was sad, so I called Jill to expound upon how upset I was at the lone goose with no mate or gaggle. Jill, who couldn't believe I was calling her at 5:30 at night to tell her about a lone goose in the field near work that I wanted to kidnap and bring to our lake so it would have a gaggle to look over, proceeded to tell me that geese don't have feelings and he probably doesn't know he's alone. Somehow, this did NOTHING to comfort me about the poor goose. This is not the first time I have displaced human feelings on to unhuman things - like stuffed animals, food, silly lamps and cows in IKEA commercials, etc. Then came the day I walked into the kitchen and saw Neil fighting furiously with a seemingly empty bag of frozen vegetables. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "There's one lima bean left in there. I can't leave him there when all his other friends are in the pot." It was all I could do not to #1 laugh and #2 fight the urge to hug and kiss him! But, back to the goose....

So, I drove to work the next day and the goose was gone. I was happy, but hesitant. On my way home from work, the goose was still gone. Yea! I thought.Maybe he found a gaggle...headed off to a better life that wandering lost around a field all alone. Sadly, the goose was back today. All snuggled up in the grass, with just his head perring around like a periscope. Just in case worth moving for something came along. Do you think they have animal conservationists (or bunny-huggers, as dad calls them) who know alot about geese who I could call to come move the goose to a place with friends and maybe even a mate? Poor Goose. If you guys only knew how heartbroken I am about the poor thing....(although some could say I'm displacing my feelings onto the goose, but hey...it's a story, go wherever your little mind takes you! :) )

Last little tidbit before I log off here to fake work for another 30 minutes until I can go home...Our friend Cara got engaged just before our going away party for her Friday night and I feel like such a sh*t! (Can I say that here?) Anyway, I tried SO hard to be happy for her. And really, I am. Just sometimes, well it gets overshadowed by those jealous and insecure feelings pertaining to myself. It was all I could do not to cry or wretch everytime Trish got excited about her being engaged and planning a wedding around the same time as her. (Insert here the comment Trish made to Cara about how they always said they'd be getting married at the same time, and how I couldn't help but think we'd always said that too. And here it was, coming true for them and putting a bigger "space" between Trish and I, in terms of actual life happenings. Which is kind of weird since we'd always been pretty much parallell in those things. _Think of it like a set of twins where one succeeds while the other fails.) Then, looking around the table I realized that of the 10 people there, 5 were engaged, 1 was married and pregnant and 4 of us were single. I wondered if any of the other 4 were feeling the stab of "outsiderness". And I realized that of all my close friends only 3 are not married yet, but 2 are engaged (Trish and Jerm) and one is just waiting to until "closer" (Mike). So, I guess my problem is, what do you talk to them about now? Not houses, 'cuz I don't own one - not men, 'cuz they've got one (or women, where applicable) - not job hunting woes, 'cuz they are pretty non-existent for my friends too - and how does "bad rat stink in my office, or guess what we did in yoga today" compare to the milestones in their lives? Or even worse, can you really b*tch (can I say that?) to your married, etc. friends about a bad time in your life, when they are at an ecstatic place in theirs? Do they really want to hear about you? Or care? It's hard to feel as thought the people you loved and shared the most with are slipping away and there's nothing you can do to get them back. (Or to "catch up")

Then, I quickly jumped to the fact that my old roommate Chris is getting married in less than a month. Somehow, that is odd too. It's hard to be truly happy for her when the whole relationship seems like a sham. (Although I have other issues with her. I know I wasn't a good friend to her. I've dealt with that. And she was good to me... until Neil and I became "public" at which point she took EVERY conversation she and I had and relayed it to Christy - which Christy, of course took advantage of, so there are hard feelings.) I guess I never understood how you can hang out with someone and not be interested, then all of a sudden submerge yourself in that relationship b/c there is nothing else around, and, after 6 months move in with them. But, maybe I'm wrong there too. Maybe Green Cards and Desperation aside, they really are in love and happy. It's hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 years since I've been gone. Alot can change - people and circumstances - in that amount of time.

Any case, that's been the week/weekend. I've granted Vanilla a phone call tomorrow and will probably go out with him again either this week or next. But, not to fret, I don't think I've hit the point where being with anyone is better if they don't fit than being alone. And quite honestly, being alone is getting more and more comfortable. I am spending Friday at my aunt's house helping her with a menu she WAY over elaborated (but don't get me started) b/c I was volunteered by my mom to help out with food for our family reunion on Saturday. Other than that, I'm just hoping to spend enough time in the gym to work off estrogen meanies and all the "eating for 6" I've been doing! :) I hope you guys all have a great post-Lent week! (which reminds me...I successful gave up sex for the 3rd year in a row! YEA ME! But, maybe that means eventually I should try "refraining" from something that's actually a challenge. :) )

" If you are patience in one moment of anger,
You will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
--- Chinese Proverb ---

Hi Ya'll!

I know it's been awhile since I've written...but I've thought about it alot. Things here have been REALLY busy! This week Jill and I did 2 baseball games in 2 states, I got my eyes checked (a very depressing thing), have only made it to the gym 1ce and tonight is a going away party for a friend who's moving to Rhode Island! Then, on to Easter.

I had a couple different ideas for blogs this week...so I'll just expound upon them all right here and now. Just a little warning, one will be extrememly feminine focused and maybe a little squemish for those who aren't quite comfortable with my frankness about "bodily" stuff. :) So....on to that...

I went back for my annual "female" exam a few weeks ago (April 1st). I know I'm very overdue (2 years) but with no health insurance, the year or so I spent in heartbreak coma blah, blah, blah It was just the time I got around to it. Anyway, I was just starting to settle into comfort b/c I hadn't heard from them when they called. So, abnormal cells (or my little virus, as I call it) reared their ugly head and I'm going back on the 7th to have it double checked (they'll dye the area and see if any disformed cells change color) and if they find anything, a possible biopsy. So, I've been just a little on edge about that. You guys know me, I analyze everything to make sure I have all my bases covered. So, I've been thinking a little about that. Somehow, it's just not fair to me that for the rest of my life this is something I have to worry about. And while knowing about it makes the shock of that phone call sting a little less, the what if this time the stress and other "factors" will make those abnormal cells cancerous is always gonna be there. The fact that the person whom I caught this from doesn't have to go through this and his new wife isn't going through this really bothers me. How come I have to go through this? Who decides these things?!?!?!?

Anyway, this keyboard is acting up and I am getting annoyed, so I'll write the rest later.

O.K., since I haven't written a blog in like forever (been SO busy lately), I thought I'd fill you guys in a little (skip the parts you already know.)...

Work is picking up a little. We've got 2 months til our big event in Tennessee. Things around here are tense and interesting (new computer system, etc.). I have a feeling we'll be working LONG hours the last 2 weeks to get everything done.
Jill and I went to Tamps in early March. It was a blast. I just got back from San Diego Monday. I went to visit Mike for an extended weekend. That too was nice. I could've done with 5 - 10 degrees higher, but 60-65 after being in the coldest winter I can remember (not saying much, I swear my memory is shot!), plus the all-day, everyday sunshine...who can complains, really? :) Mike is doing well. Plugging along, trying to win some games, and wondering what he's gonna do for next year, since I told him I'm not coming out there and some other "things" on his mind! ;) (You two know what that is! I'm just waiting for the actual "event"! ;) ;) )
Speaking of "events", I'm headed to Maryland this weekend for Amy's big "EVENT"! Sometimes I get so excited for you guys, you'd think these things were happening to me! (Hey Aim, imagine what I'll be like 9 months from now?!?!?!?) -Not me...Amy, just for those of you who thought I was "hiding" something!) Jill and I are headed to NYC Wednesday for the SSU at Yankee Stadium game. (Yes, it's that time again. hey, did any of you see the Phils game Wed.?!?!? 16-2!!!!)
Had a blind date last night. It went well. He is very "nice" (Or, for Mike, "pleasant"). Very vanilla, though. You know me....the more Rocky Road the better. Guess I haven't had enough "Rocky Road" to crave Vanilla! :) Guess there is something to be said for not being able to settle. Remind me of that when I'm 80 and still looking for "perfect" (in something besides a cat, temperature, or vacation)

Hey Guys! I know this is a little "behind schedule". When Jill and I were on our Manatee hunt, we had to watch a video on "your Manatee encounter". Jill kept teasing me after that on the fact that many of the rules for manatee swims could also apply to me! :) Read the ones below and see what you think! :) (Wherever you see Manatee...insert Jenn. Change other sentance parts as needed! :) ) Jill's favorite (and Mike may agree) was Do Not poke or prod the Jenn. :)



Do NOT pursue/chase (swimming after) or corner a manatee while swimming or diving. This includes following manatees for any reason.

Do NOT disturb a resting manatee.

Do NOT attempt to ride, poke, prod, or grab the manatee at any time with any object including your hand or foot.

Do wait for the manatee to show an interest in you before approaching it. Manatees are normally curious, and if you stay still, floating on the surface - they will normally approach you to initiate the contact.

Do remember that the manatee is in charge of the encounter. If a manatee is sleeping or is not interested in making contact, leave it alone, as your only encounter would probably be seeing it's tail disappear ahead of you as it swims away into a sanctuary.

Ahhh....Sanctuary! :)

Good Morning everyone. My mom's cousin, Lorne died this morning. He was having problem and went in for surgery a little over a month ago. (It might be more, but not much more.) They thought Lorne had a cyst on his liver, but when they "opened him up" they found his body had tumors within it. (Mom said racked with cancer, but I think it was three or so tumors.) Lorne went downhill quickly and last week doctors said they projected he had a week or so to live.

It's ironic, b/c I was thinking about death on my way to work this morning. The radio had an interview with James Riley's mother to get her reaction to the vigil held for her son and the other POWs. Then the radio was talking about how her daughter had just died. I think maybe, God knew the daughter wouldn't live long (she was in a coma as it was) and took her to watch over her brother in Iraq. So, one family's loss may prevent another loss in the same family.

Death is worse for those who live on then those who have gone. (Unless of course you are not lucky enough for Heaven.) Lorne was young, but prepared to go. He made his peace, said his good-byes, and prepared his family for life without him. It is hard and he will be missed. I feel awful for Jim and Carolie (his cousins and close friends), Alice (his wife), and Karen (his daughter) b/c they are suffering, but Lorne is no more. He is in no more pain, no more watching himself fade away. Sometimes, a quick passing in instances like this are more of a blessing than a long one.

There are alot of families feeling the loss of a loved one lately. And most without getting to say good-bye. Please keep all these families, Lorne's family, and ours in your thoughts and prayers.

So, how come it's OFFICIALLY SPRING and we've got sub-50 degree weather?!?!?!?! (And some of you had snow! Bizarre!)

Despite the passing of March 21 AND the appearance of robins all over our development, I know it's spring because the first BASEBALL game was played last night! :) Too bad Spezio did NOTHING for my Baseball Challenge stats!

On a happier note, Thursday, I am headed for the "other" coast to visit my old roommate Mike and watch his Toreros! I'm hoping to bring them some much needed LUCK! I informed Mike this past week that I will be remaining an East Coasterner (is that a word?) for a little longer. (although this trip may convince me I don't really need a job or money, and really just need to live in San Diego) There are one or twoo job possibilities here I feel i should pursue, and don't want Mie to hold out til the last minute, just in case I get one of them and have to leave him high and dry...so, I'll be around a little longer. AND, keep your fingers crossed for me on the job front. I'm hoping to be permanently settled by June! Now...just gotta hold out for the "secret blog" prophecy to be filled! :) (For those of you who got it, you'll know what it is! :) )

I'm gonna be a busy little traveler bee this month, as I'm headed to Maryland for Amy's wedding the weekend after next! (13th) Congrats Amy and Brad! Then, Easter at Jenn's Cafe; followed by the Reunion, whose committee I was thrust onto by my mother! Then May. I'm off to Knoxville for Memorial Day to work Global Finals and beg for a job. Keep your fingers crossed I have a good time, even if no job comes out of it!

So, I hope you all are doing well. Holding up in the midst of the war (and this Final Four debacle! :) ). i'll write more later. (And hopefully with a better tan! :) )

The tragedy of war is that it uses man's best to do man's worst. -Henry Fosdick

In the last few days, my heart, mind, and very soul have been "with" the following people/families:

**** The Charles Family (whose son and son-in-law are both fighter pilots on The Nimitz and The USS Constillation)
**** The Coxson Family (who also have a son and son in law in the military, although I am not sure of their current status)
**** Art Scott (who, about 11 years ago was a helicopter pilot - Apaches, if I remember correctly)
**** The Yankanich Family (whose son, Mike was Navy stationed in San Diego, as of 3 months ago.
Also the "extended" family of "Gurkhas" in hopes most of them are done their obligations witht the military)
**** The guy who lives two house down and is stationed at Fort Dix
**** Brian Crim (and Karen and her family) (who works with the Air Force as a civilian, but is especially crucial -right word? in
times like these.

Every morning on my way to work one of the local radio stations has people call in to send messages to their loved ones in the Middle East. Every morning my heartbreaks for the families of these servicemen and women who, I'm sure, spend every minute praying for their loved ones' return in the midst of a world against us, and a country divided. I'm sure there are families I have forgotten. (People like Scott Kelly, who was a Navy SEAL, as of the last time I saw him at our annual football gathering.) I just pray most of our troops make it back alive. (And things like this, We're civilians surrendering...ah-ha, tricked you. Now you're captured/killed; stops happening.) But most of all, I hope it's over quickly and the repercussions (hatred from other countries, etc.) of these actions, right or wrong, are not felt for decades to come.

God bless our military, our leaders, our President, and our Country.

In a recent episode of Dr. Phil, he gives this advice to those mending heartbreak....

Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard.
Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.

So, here and now I'll be expressing how much I miss the person I used to know and be involved with, and how when he decided to end that involvement ran away like a little cowardly 18-year-old - proving just what a bastard he really is! I'll be using some harsh language and maybe wavering back and forth a little...so just enjoy - for what it's worth - that I finally am ready to agree with ya'll about what a selfish, immature, worthless *sshole Neil is (even if I still love him so much it hurts).

Now, I probably still care about him b/c I feel conned. I can't believe someone could use me, manipulate me, and make me trust that what we were living was real - yet all the while never really caring for me at all. It's hard for me to believe a person could be that cold-hearted and callous as to hurt another person the way he hurt me. I don't believe you can hurt someone you cared for (by telling them you never cared for them and treating them with such little respect as a person, let alone one you might have cared for) and therefore must conclude that he never really cared for me. Especially if all it took to get rid of my was a little tension in his life.

I'd really like to know who he thinks he is?!?!?! If you ever saw him, you'd wonder why anyone (let alone someone nice, giving, attractive, smart...shoudl I go on?!?!?) would get involved with him, let alone allow him to hurt them and derail them the way he has with me. What gives him the right, just because he's managed to screw up his own life for 35 years, to interfere with mine. I was comfortable with myself and enjoying where I thought my life was headed. (This is where I differ with most relationship therapists. While they say most relationships struggle when you are not comfortable in yourself and with your life, in my personal experience, I have found that I get into relationships ONLY when I am these things. However, no matter how comfortable you are in yourself, when others find those traits you appreciate unworth of them, or put down the things you hold in esteem, you do begin to question whether you'll ever find anyone who loves the things you love about yourself and whether or not you can trust yourself to be a good judge of others. I however, do not have my own t.v. show or a PH D after my name. But I have my own Blog, and for me that's enough.) And then, he waltzes in, says "hey. I love all those things too. why don't we do them together?" GREAT! I think and off we go. When, all of a sudden, he goes "I'm sorry. You are suddenly not as important as (insert any one of 50 million things here). You'll understand."

And now....my commentary to Neil. Since I was so grief-stricken when I last saw him, that no coherent thought came to mind except "How could you?"

Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't understand and I don't understand! How could someone hate themselves SO much, they deny themselves something or don't think they deserve something? Especially love. Plus, what gives you the right to say you are not worthy of something I want you to have? If I think you're worthy, you are. End of Story. But, in giving to those who deem themselves unworthy, you run the risk of them hurting you by getting rid of whatever you give them. But, more than that...for her? B/c she pushed you? B/c she forbid you from having any female besides her overnight? B/c she stormed out of the house like a 5-year old to sleep in her office if you did? B/c she put her foot down, right where your balls should be (since, we have establish he must be missing them) and you rolled over? What are you? Some dog they train for fights by attaching electrodes to them and zapping them into submission? It's a shame b/c one of the things I genuinely like about you was your perseverance to stay true to your beliefs - no matter how screwed up they were. Apparently, it was not one of the things YOU liked about you (despite having told me many times you did. Another lie. Another deception. Do they ever end?)

That's just it, Neil. After being involved with you, you realize, you are not trustworthy. Not just in what you say, but your actions. "Dating" to you means "living together". "Friends" means acting out a relationship but without the ACTUAL commitment of having to BE IN ONE! And you act out relationships, but these actions can't be trusted. You don't really BELIEVE it IS a relationship, therefore allowing you to screw it up, however you feel is justified b/c "as long as you're not hurting anyone, you don't have to explain yourself". Well, I hate to say it, sweetheart, but you've hurt alot of people. Let's, for a minute, forget Nancy (who everytime I think of her crying the first time makes my heart break for her), Susan, Christy (who keeps letting her hurt you - but I feel THAT she has coming the slimy little..), or Tara. Try everyone you've hurt just by what you did to me? You hurt me, my family, friends. All these people who had to watch me disinigrate b/c I believed you and IN you. Or how about the people, like Mike, who believed nothing was going on but a need for peace in you household? The ones who stuck up for you to me before you turned around and proved them liars? But I forget, you don't care about other people. As long as they don't mess with your little bubble, you don't give a sh*t what happens to them. Oh wait, maybe that's not true...you care a little, b/c you want to be able to reel them back in whenever you need them to make you feel better.

Since we're on the topic...let me refresh your memory to 4am the night you were in Buckhead? Or how about 3am from Wilmington? You were feeling down on yourself and knew I wouldn't slam the phone down or turn my back on you. And then, oh, sorry...I was on vacation with my wife, couldn't wish you a happy birthday. Did you remember to TELL your wife about the late nights you "spent" with me? Or did that slip your mind, too? Why rock your boat when you can sink everyone elses?!?!?!?

And, just when I think I was wrong - You AREN'T the person I thought you were, and may rival Clinton for the slimiest may on the planet, I begin to think maybe it's all sour grapes. I even begin to feel sorry for you for the way you live your life. That one day you'll realize the things you've done wrong and find happiness in a way I've always wanted for you - to shelter you from harm, keep you from the bad in the world, surround you with love and happiness and goodness b/c I think you deserve it. And somedays I think, maybe you have found it. Maybe that's what you realized you had with Christy and went after it. And I shouldn't hate you for not finding in me, what I thought I'd found in you. This is just about the time you play "let's make sure Jenn's still hanging on", call or write, then ignore me for days. And I go right back to hoping that you experience double the hurt, pain, and grief I've felt for at least twice as long. It's in these days I feel your own personal hell should be having to sit and watch and FEEL as every person you've ever hurt in life relives to you what you did to them. But I'm not a vengeful person. Somehow I know you will be punished, in God's own way, for the things you've done. And I hope every day you will come around to see in yourself what I saw in you...and apparently though has been worth at least 2 1/2 years of grief and pain.

So, Dr. Phil would be proud. I've run the gamut in this blog that I run...at least every week in my own life. Trying to find someway to break free, trying to find my way in a world of mine that no longer makes sense. But, I'm sure there are alot of people feeling that these days. Confusion in trying to figure out what's right, to what the future holds for us as individuals and as a country, and the hope that there is some higher power looking down on us, judging us, and guiding us through the rough times that we may live to see the better ones.

As today draws to a close, I will be holding near and dear to my heart, and praying for: our family friends' son, Ben Charles, a Navy pilot, who at last report was doing nightly fly-overs in Baghdad; my friend Brian Coxson, who is also in the Navy, although I am not sure where he is right now; Kare's Brian, who works with the Air Force as a civilian; Art, the helicopter pilto from NTT, who is sure to be in the thick of things; and all other servicemen and women who are fighting for a cause about which we, as a country, are torn but which our leaders view as unavoidable to our survival as a free, unterrorized country. May God Watch over them and us. (Hey, I'm just a little Irish, so I'll do just a little Irish "prayer"! :) ) Happy St. Pat's!

"I am flying high over Tupelo, Mississippi, with America's hottest band, and we are all about to die." - Almost Famous

In trying to find the right words to describe our trip home from Tampa, these kept flashing through my brain. Granted, there were no rock bands that I was aware of and we weren't anywhere near Tupelo (North Florida, actually), but the overwhelming feeling of what the next few moments held were VERY real!

We were held on the ground in Tampa for an hour and a half until we got clearance to take off through the remains of a thunderstorm in North Florida. Jill and I were both hoping for a flight cancellation which would've kept us in the 85 degree weather for another day. It probably didn't help that I woke up Sunday morning feeling flu-ish. The pilot warned us of some turbulance, but I don't think his "slight turbulance" warning did us justice. We had several sharp dips down, just dropping what felt like 10 feet, like a roller coaster. (Appropriately serenaded with the little kids next to me going "whoo-whoo" as if they WERE on a roller coaster. There were a couple factors which I tried to use to calm me down.

*Jill was with me. While my mom was dreading us flying together, in case something happened, no one wants to die alone. It was nice to know Jill was there to comfort me, and vica versa.
* There were alot of young children on board. I always check the number of children on board. I am a firm believe God would not wipe out many young lives in one fell swoop. (pardon the slight pun)
* Somehow, I didn't feel death was an option. I was a little worried about being a survivor of a crash and prayed for strength to help those around me, but honestly the "nope, your card has not been pulled" feeling came over me.

I reached out for Jill, as I noticed her fighting back the tears which were beginning to surface. As I did, my eyes too began to fill with tears as I began thinking about what I wanted to accomplish before I died. The plane took a sharp roll to the right accompanied by a little ding one might expect from one fender of a car hitting another fender of a car at about 15 mph. Then, it was over. (Little did we know how much worse the trip would get - missed our connection, scheduled us on a flight almost 24 hours later to go 1.5 hours south, they didn't accomodate us in any way - train, car rental fee, or hotel if we decided TO stay over, played hide-and-seek with our luggage, we rented a car and drove from Kennedy in NY to Mt. Laurel, near home.) Somehow, I get the feeling God really wanted me to stay in Florida.

SIGNS YOU KNOW YOU'RE HAVING A WEIRD LIFE

* You wake up singing "Ooooo Child. Things are gonna get easier."
* You wonder -in a conscious state- how you are gonna tell your parents you are pregnant with Kid Rock's baby. (One of those "all-too-real" dreams last night, but believe it or not...is the SECOND time I've had a dream like that about Kid Rock. And I don't find him the least bit attractive!)
* Snow is falling, the ground is wet, the sun is shining, and it's the warmest it's been all winter.
* Selling Pampered Chef sounds like the best job offer you've had in months.
* The UNCG Spartan baseball team is 8-0
* Can't string a sentance together
* You have a 2 week "family" visitor ;) (not that this is unusal for me...just weird in general)
* You think white socks look good with black pants and black loafers.
* You don't know what day it is (legitimately)
* You get the urge to cuddle (Pul-eaze!)
* Guinea Fowl fall out of the sky (then disappear. Haven't seen one since! :( )
* You walk around with a Spatula in your purse.
* Every minute seems like deja vu
* You keep checking your email and not getting any
* You get the urge every night to go bathing suit shopping
* You watch Urban Cowboy, get nostaglic, and want that look to come back in style (I HAD a Gilley's shirt at one time!)
* Your mere presence near the computer causes it to freeze
* You emotionally laspe about 1 year
* Songs keep appearing on the radio right after (I mean minutes) you think of them, or right when you want to hear them.
* Your mom's cat won't leave you alone
* Yoga is an appealing form of exercise and your choice for "action" on a Friday night
* You eat Pizza voluntarily (at Pizza Hut no less!)
* Lacking Proprioception...all of a sudden...causing you to keeping running into things, hitting things, or spontaneously falling down.
* You suddenly long for NASCAR, country music, and line dancing...even though you never really liked those things. (Well, except the country music)
* You suddenly become annoyed by messes (me? Can you gusy even IMAGINE how weird that is?!?!?)

So, as you can see...it's been an odd week. Kind of pensive, sad, lonely, pessimistic, content, happy, and optimistic all at the same time. Yep. Been a Weird Week. And pretty much a strange life since moving back to Jersey. Hope it turns itself around soon.

I hope you guys are all doing well. Good Luck to Michael and the Toreros in their tournament this weekend! Hopefully the tides will turn. They can pull some "W's" and UNCG can pull some "L's"! (Not that I'd intentionally wish bad on anyone...but Neil's life should not be going well. It just shouldn't. So, they need to not win another game all year. Some balance in the he gets everything/I have nothing game would be nice! :) )