In a recent episode of Dr. Phil, he gives this advice to those mending heartbreak....

Sometimes you can't get over being hurt until you know you've been heard.
Give yourself permission to express your anger and sadness.

So, here and now I'll be expressing how much I miss the person I used to know and be involved with, and how when he decided to end that involvement ran away like a little cowardly 18-year-old - proving just what a bastard he really is! I'll be using some harsh language and maybe wavering back and forth a little...so just enjoy - for what it's worth - that I finally am ready to agree with ya'll about what a selfish, immature, worthless *sshole Neil is (even if I still love him so much it hurts).

Now, I probably still care about him b/c I feel conned. I can't believe someone could use me, manipulate me, and make me trust that what we were living was real - yet all the while never really caring for me at all. It's hard for me to believe a person could be that cold-hearted and callous as to hurt another person the way he hurt me. I don't believe you can hurt someone you cared for (by telling them you never cared for them and treating them with such little respect as a person, let alone one you might have cared for) and therefore must conclude that he never really cared for me. Especially if all it took to get rid of my was a little tension in his life.

I'd really like to know who he thinks he is?!?!?! If you ever saw him, you'd wonder why anyone (let alone someone nice, giving, attractive, smart...shoudl I go on?!?!?) would get involved with him, let alone allow him to hurt them and derail them the way he has with me. What gives him the right, just because he's managed to screw up his own life for 35 years, to interfere with mine. I was comfortable with myself and enjoying where I thought my life was headed. (This is where I differ with most relationship therapists. While they say most relationships struggle when you are not comfortable in yourself and with your life, in my personal experience, I have found that I get into relationships ONLY when I am these things. However, no matter how comfortable you are in yourself, when others find those traits you appreciate unworth of them, or put down the things you hold in esteem, you do begin to question whether you'll ever find anyone who loves the things you love about yourself and whether or not you can trust yourself to be a good judge of others. I however, do not have my own t.v. show or a PH D after my name. But I have my own Blog, and for me that's enough.) And then, he waltzes in, says "hey. I love all those things too. why don't we do them together?" GREAT! I think and off we go. When, all of a sudden, he goes "I'm sorry. You are suddenly not as important as (insert any one of 50 million things here). You'll understand."

And now....my commentary to Neil. Since I was so grief-stricken when I last saw him, that no coherent thought came to mind except "How could you?"

Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't understand and I don't understand! How could someone hate themselves SO much, they deny themselves something or don't think they deserve something? Especially love. Plus, what gives you the right to say you are not worthy of something I want you to have? If I think you're worthy, you are. End of Story. But, in giving to those who deem themselves unworthy, you run the risk of them hurting you by getting rid of whatever you give them. But, more than that...for her? B/c she pushed you? B/c she forbid you from having any female besides her overnight? B/c she stormed out of the house like a 5-year old to sleep in her office if you did? B/c she put her foot down, right where your balls should be (since, we have establish he must be missing them) and you rolled over? What are you? Some dog they train for fights by attaching electrodes to them and zapping them into submission? It's a shame b/c one of the things I genuinely like about you was your perseverance to stay true to your beliefs - no matter how screwed up they were. Apparently, it was not one of the things YOU liked about you (despite having told me many times you did. Another lie. Another deception. Do they ever end?)

That's just it, Neil. After being involved with you, you realize, you are not trustworthy. Not just in what you say, but your actions. "Dating" to you means "living together". "Friends" means acting out a relationship but without the ACTUAL commitment of having to BE IN ONE! And you act out relationships, but these actions can't be trusted. You don't really BELIEVE it IS a relationship, therefore allowing you to screw it up, however you feel is justified b/c "as long as you're not hurting anyone, you don't have to explain yourself". Well, I hate to say it, sweetheart, but you've hurt alot of people. Let's, for a minute, forget Nancy (who everytime I think of her crying the first time makes my heart break for her), Susan, Christy (who keeps letting her hurt you - but I feel THAT she has coming the slimy little..), or Tara. Try everyone you've hurt just by what you did to me? You hurt me, my family, friends. All these people who had to watch me disinigrate b/c I believed you and IN you. Or how about the people, like Mike, who believed nothing was going on but a need for peace in you household? The ones who stuck up for you to me before you turned around and proved them liars? But I forget, you don't care about other people. As long as they don't mess with your little bubble, you don't give a sh*t what happens to them. Oh wait, maybe that's not true...you care a little, b/c you want to be able to reel them back in whenever you need them to make you feel better.

Since we're on the topic...let me refresh your memory to 4am the night you were in Buckhead? Or how about 3am from Wilmington? You were feeling down on yourself and knew I wouldn't slam the phone down or turn my back on you. And then, oh, sorry...I was on vacation with my wife, couldn't wish you a happy birthday. Did you remember to TELL your wife about the late nights you "spent" with me? Or did that slip your mind, too? Why rock your boat when you can sink everyone elses?!?!?!?

And, just when I think I was wrong - You AREN'T the person I thought you were, and may rival Clinton for the slimiest may on the planet, I begin to think maybe it's all sour grapes. I even begin to feel sorry for you for the way you live your life. That one day you'll realize the things you've done wrong and find happiness in a way I've always wanted for you - to shelter you from harm, keep you from the bad in the world, surround you with love and happiness and goodness b/c I think you deserve it. And somedays I think, maybe you have found it. Maybe that's what you realized you had with Christy and went after it. And I shouldn't hate you for not finding in me, what I thought I'd found in you. This is just about the time you play "let's make sure Jenn's still hanging on", call or write, then ignore me for days. And I go right back to hoping that you experience double the hurt, pain, and grief I've felt for at least twice as long. It's in these days I feel your own personal hell should be having to sit and watch and FEEL as every person you've ever hurt in life relives to you what you did to them. But I'm not a vengeful person. Somehow I know you will be punished, in God's own way, for the things you've done. And I hope every day you will come around to see in yourself what I saw in you...and apparently though has been worth at least 2 1/2 years of grief and pain.

So, Dr. Phil would be proud. I've run the gamut in this blog that I run...at least every week in my own life. Trying to find someway to break free, trying to find my way in a world of mine that no longer makes sense. But, I'm sure there are alot of people feeling that these days. Confusion in trying to figure out what's right, to what the future holds for us as individuals and as a country, and the hope that there is some higher power looking down on us, judging us, and guiding us through the rough times that we may live to see the better ones.

As today draws to a close, I will be holding near and dear to my heart, and praying for: our family friends' son, Ben Charles, a Navy pilot, who at last report was doing nightly fly-overs in Baghdad; my friend Brian Coxson, who is also in the Navy, although I am not sure where he is right now; Kare's Brian, who works with the Air Force as a civilian; Art, the helicopter pilto from NTT, who is sure to be in the thick of things; and all other servicemen and women who are fighting for a cause about which we, as a country, are torn but which our leaders view as unavoidable to our survival as a free, unterrorized country. May God Watch over them and us. (Hey, I'm just a little Irish, so I'll do just a little Irish "prayer"! :) ) Happy St. Pat's!