Hi everyone! I'm having a bit of a job dilema...but as of Monday I'll be working somewhere for the next 2 months (and each choice has Friday's off. How happy am I?!?) So seeing as how I'll have free time, I thought I'd share my reading list with ya'll.
I love to read. Everytime I'm sitting around with nothing to do, I pick up something readable.In Greensboro, when I was at Neil's, waiting for him to finish dinner, I'd read...well, whatever was lying around - usually the only reading material Neil owned. As it is now, I don't get to read "it" anymore, so I'm not quite as full of good jokes, or up on the latest power ties! :)
I just finished a book I bought entitled "Getting Over It". I bought this one at Barnes and Noble b/c it was labeled Summer Reading and the woman character had a cat named Fatboy, that was the male adoration in her life! It must've been fate! :) The book was very "Bridget Jones Diary"-ish and it ended happily ever after, so I liked it! It was about a woman who makes bad choices in men, dislikes her job, and whose father dies suddenly. The father dying catapults her life into turmoil and disaray so much it's funny. For a light, feel good summer beach book...I reccommend borrowing it. :)
Which leads me to a great book, they may or may not be ruining as a movie! In preparation for Mardi Gras 2000, I began looking for a book to read on the plane. I borrowed a copy of "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" from my then roommate, Chris. (Who's now engaged as I understand from sources who heard it from the witch Neil lives with)It was wonderful and fanciful, if you could ignore the feeling of needing to call Child Services during the flashback scenes.It was SO nice to imagine being raised in a fun environment like that one, and in the same respect to have friends you've know so long and so well to help you through the times described. I don't think the movie will quite be able to capture the colorful characters and the emotions of the book (even if Ashley Judd is in it). I enjoyed this book so much, I gave it to my two closest high school friends that year as a Christmas present. I think this summer I may re-read it, for the feeling you get when you read a favorite book.
I've been trying for months to read "The Summons". My mom always tells me it's wasted money for me to buy a book. I do truly agree with her. (Although I might buy Ya-Ya, since the copy I borrowed moved out with Chris, the traitor. :) ) Take "Getting Over It" for instance. I knew I'd have free time Friday lying on the beach (for which I'm peeling and itching, so don't be TOO envious), so while I was waiting for Karen to get off work Friday I went to Barnes and Noble and ended up buying it. By Monday morning, it was finished. I get very engrosed and "lose" myself in books, so I usually end up forfeiting all other "free time" things in order to finish a book as if I were watching a movie. (In the case of Harry Potter, since I was so distraught at the time and wasn't sleeping, I figured reading the book Jill got me for Christmas might take my mind off Neil. Finished the series in 7 days.) So, when The Summons came out, I decided $25 on a hardback was ridiculous, and put myself on the waiting list at the library to read it. When my turn came around a series of events kept me from picking it up. The first Sat., they called to tell me I could get it as I was on my way with mom and Jill to the shore. Sunday was a family thing of some sort. Monday I was too tired after work to go. Tuesday Jill and I went to the Yankees game. Wed. and Thurs. the library didn't have A.C., so they were closed. Friday they close early (before 5pm) and Saturday was my cousin Rachel's shower in PA. When I called Monday, they'd given it to the next person. :( So, hopefullyI'll get a chance again before the summer is over! :)
I bought my Dad "The Blue Nowhere" for his birthday. He began reading Jeffrey Deaver's books and got me hooked. (Although "The Bone Collector" was one of my least favorites) Now, we just buy a book and when one finishes, the other gets it. I swore I had read this one, given the cover, but upon reading the back description, realized I had not. I'm guessing since it was a present I should wait until he reads it first...but he'd better hurry up (or hide it, b/c it's just sitting there next to his chair begging to be read! :) )!
I saw the "Oprah" during a Book Club session where a group of Book Clubbers met the author and were discussing "The House of Sand and Fog". I thought it sounded very intriguing, but upon asking a friend who had read it, she dissuaded me fromm reading it. I have seen it at the library and passed it in bookstores and I think this summer I might give it a shot. Hey, if I start it and hate it, I can stop. (Unless of course it's like "The Pledge" - Jack Nicholson movie where I kept hoping for it all to make sense at the end, and when it finally ended all I could think of was "Well, there's an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back!")
I was browsing Borders tonight, as mom and whoever would like to join her - either Gloria from work, Jill or I, and came across The Beach House by James Patterson. The summary sounded interesting, so I might try that one sometime this summer too.
Speaking of Borders, one night while we were there in Feb. or so, I came across a diet book called "Eating Right For Your Blood Type" by Paul D'adamo. I was intrigued. When I went back tonight, it was listed as a hard to find book, as it might be out of print. I'm facinated by the explanation of how this works and figure it might have some scientific merit to it.I might try it this summer, if #1 I can find the book and #2 can find out my blood type! :) (No one in our house seems to know. Except upon further inspection Jil''s Baby Book reveals she's an "A" and Dad's Dog Tags reveal he is as well. If mom knew hers, I might be able to use Mendel and figure mine out...but alas, no info yet. :) )
Speaking of dog tags, another summer reading is going to either be "We Were Soldiers" or "Nam: Vietnam Experience 1965-75". For those of you who don't know, my father was a member of the Special Forces in Vietnam, returning stateside, I believe, in 1968. Even though he doesn't admit it, I believe this experience has shaped alot of who he is today. It is hard to understand excatly what it must have been like to see and experience the things he's has. Although I will never know what it was like first hand, and my father will not talk about it (he comments on occasion, but usually things like "I was there when I was in Nam", etc.), I am hoping to gain some insight into who he is, by examining some of what he experienced.
So, there's my Summer reading list. How much of it I'll get through, and what I'll add or delete still remains to be seen. I hope you all have a wonderful summer (not that I won't write again, but I might not mention it!). And remember...always wear sunscreen! :) Well, I'm off to find someone to "peel me". My back is itching like crazy! :)
Thursday, May 30, 2002
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
Got some random thoughts for ya'll. (Like most of them aren't, right?)
We were watching John Edwards last night. I'm intrigued. Gonna try and stay up till 11 tonight so I can watch him again. It an interesting thought. I heard an interview with him on the radio camparing what he does to a helicopter. When the helicopter isn't moving, you can see all the blades - count them, touch them, see them, whatever. When the helicopter is moving, it's not the same, but just because you can't see them, doesn't mean you don't know they're still there. (His way of explanation made much more sense for some reason! :) ) Anyway, some of the things he said to the people in the audience were amazing. I kept trying to figure out how he knew. There had to be SOME way (other than the whole energy/dead people thing)...but nothing came to mind.
The thought of people watching over us kept me up some of the night. More people not sending me roadmaps by way of flying frying pans! Then, I figured maybe I could send them messages. Use them as messengers. That didn't seem to work either. Somewhere in the midst of pondering and the usual late night ache...I drifted off to sleep.
Next random thought...
How can one be happy for others moving forward and achieving successes (in whatever form) without feeling a pang about themselves not? Of course I'm talking a little about me, but I want to know if it can be done...and if so, how? Jealousy is a pretty strong emotion. So, how do you squelch it? I don't think feeling upset that someone has what you want necessarily means that you aren't happy for that person. (as Kare would say, they aren't mutually exclusive) But, can you ever be happy for someone when you want something and they get it without feeling that little pang of jealousy?
O.K. Last random thought....
When does this ache/pain/reactional thought go away? It's not like he died, just feels like he did. Ripped out of my life never to return. Hardest part is, it was his choice to throw 4 years of friendship and 2-ish years of some semblance of a relationship out the window and never look back. The emotions are overwhelming, and yet, I'm the only one negatively (if at all) affected by this situation. He's not, his friends aren't, his work's not, roommate CERTAINLY isn't...so if all these people (including him) can trudge on through life, why can't I? Why doesn't it work out that it's MY life that gets better when he leaves and not vica versa? I miss him every minute of every day (whether I want to or not). With no one to tell and no one who seems to completely understand. Will life go one this way forever?
On a positive Random tangent note...
It turns out the Fat things (known to the public as a groundhog or something like it) living in our next door neighbor's shed, with a tunnel exit in our backyard (so they can dine on all mom's flowers) have added a new, cute, little fat thing! It was outside today munching on clover when I returned from helping Trish pack up her apartment before moving next week. I might just have to name it! :) Well, one more hour till John Edwards...I think I might even make it! :) Night.
We were watching John Edwards last night. I'm intrigued. Gonna try and stay up till 11 tonight so I can watch him again. It an interesting thought. I heard an interview with him on the radio camparing what he does to a helicopter. When the helicopter isn't moving, you can see all the blades - count them, touch them, see them, whatever. When the helicopter is moving, it's not the same, but just because you can't see them, doesn't mean you don't know they're still there. (His way of explanation made much more sense for some reason! :) ) Anyway, some of the things he said to the people in the audience were amazing. I kept trying to figure out how he knew. There had to be SOME way (other than the whole energy/dead people thing)...but nothing came to mind.
The thought of people watching over us kept me up some of the night. More people not sending me roadmaps by way of flying frying pans! Then, I figured maybe I could send them messages. Use them as messengers. That didn't seem to work either. Somewhere in the midst of pondering and the usual late night ache...I drifted off to sleep.
Next random thought...
How can one be happy for others moving forward and achieving successes (in whatever form) without feeling a pang about themselves not? Of course I'm talking a little about me, but I want to know if it can be done...and if so, how? Jealousy is a pretty strong emotion. So, how do you squelch it? I don't think feeling upset that someone has what you want necessarily means that you aren't happy for that person. (as Kare would say, they aren't mutually exclusive) But, can you ever be happy for someone when you want something and they get it without feeling that little pang of jealousy?
O.K. Last random thought....
When does this ache/pain/reactional thought go away? It's not like he died, just feels like he did. Ripped out of my life never to return. Hardest part is, it was his choice to throw 4 years of friendship and 2-ish years of some semblance of a relationship out the window and never look back. The emotions are overwhelming, and yet, I'm the only one negatively (if at all) affected by this situation. He's not, his friends aren't, his work's not, roommate CERTAINLY isn't...so if all these people (including him) can trudge on through life, why can't I? Why doesn't it work out that it's MY life that gets better when he leaves and not vica versa? I miss him every minute of every day (whether I want to or not). With no one to tell and no one who seems to completely understand. Will life go one this way forever?
On a positive Random tangent note...
It turns out the Fat things (known to the public as a groundhog or something like it) living in our next door neighbor's shed, with a tunnel exit in our backyard (so they can dine on all mom's flowers) have added a new, cute, little fat thing! It was outside today munching on clover when I returned from helping Trish pack up her apartment before moving next week. I might just have to name it! :) Well, one more hour till John Edwards...I think I might even make it! :) Night.
Monday, May 27, 2002
Happy Memorial Day! I just yesterday returned from Ocean City Maryland. I'm a little crispy (well, not as much today, thankfully) and very relaxed. It's nice to spend one day lying on the beach listening to the waves, feeling the breeze, and frying like the pieces of batter in a deep fryer that get stuck on the bottom! :) What was even nicer, was the trip to Seacrets. For those of you who have never been to O.C. M.D., Seacrets is a Jamacian bar/eatery which sits on the beach. There are various little tiki bars located throughout the sand. Friends of mine have made this trip every year for the last 5 years. But, my favorite part was the floating rafts and the "water waitresses"! Anywhere you can float on a raft with friends in the sun and have someone come to you and ask, "Can we get you another one of those?" Has got to be a great place! :)
On my trip home yesterday I was thinking alot about Karma. Saturday night, as we were leaving Seacrets I ran into one of my former field hockey players, Jen. I loved Jen. She was so geniunely nice and even in her frenzy to get everything done she continued to heap onto her plate, she was concerned for other people. She was filling me in on the lives of some of her former teammates. One of which was Kristen.
For those who don't cringe at the mention of her name, as I did, Kristen was the field hockey/softball player Ryan began a secret relationship with 2 days post-breaking up with me. The reason this relationship was secret was because Kristen had a boyfriend. Kristen's boyfriend was a former SSU football player named Burt, who was at the time living in Pennsy. pursuing a Master's degree. As if her "dating" my Ryan wasn't bad enough, she would only talk about the things they did together is I was around and no one else, but her friend Megan; otherwise, it was always about Burt. I didn't have verbal confirmation of their being together, but I could see it in Ryan's eyes whenever he looked at her. (Could also tell Neil what Neil was or wasn't up to by his eyes, but that's neither here nor there.) For years the only person I could ever truly say I hated was Kristen. (Not that I carried this hate with me, or thought about it often, but if anyone ever asked...Kristen was the only name that popped to mind.) Somehow, doing something which purposely hurts another person warrents this level of emotion in me. (So, in case you haven't gather...the list has been topped by one, some days two new people - I haven't quite fgured out how "intentional" he was.)
So, Jen was telling me about Kristen. She informed me Kristen and Burt married (which I knew from our SSU alumni newsletter) and were living in Pennsy. Sometime recently Kristen became pregnant. According to Jen, she miscarried late (7th or 8th month) and her body never got the message. Her body is still in various stages of early motherhood functioning. I was confused. No matter how much of me hated her for hurting me, that is NOTHING I would ever wish on another person. But, some of me wondered, Does what go around really come around?
I pondered this all the way back to New Jersey yesterday. Does it? Even if no legitimate connection is made, do the things we do to others in life really come back to us in the end? Yes, makes so much sense and oddly enough, I find it comforting. There were things I did (somewhat subconsciously) in being with Neil that hurt other people. So, maybe THAT's the explaination I've been looking for in why I feel so hurt and tortured by his leaving me to go back to her, and my feelings of loneliness for deserting my friends to be with him. It's my punishment for hurting her and them. Somehow, it just came around faster than most. In the same comforting respect, it means that for "doing unto me" (to reference an earlier blog), they too will find some level of unrest and hurt in their lives. If Trish's theory is true, (she believes Christy's punishment is having to live with a man who will never love her completely, will never put her first in life and will treat her more like a roommate and friend than a happily wed spouse {if he is ever able to marry her}; and that Neil's is having to live never finding love or a woman who treated him as well as I did, and living with a woman who is bossy, pushy, manipulative, and "wears the pants" in the relationship.) maybe they have already experienced their just sentance too.
The part that disturbs me is it means God punishes. I have always believe God is a loving, caring God. That if you ask, you will receive; he will carry you and "bear the brunt" of whatever is troubling you until you can take the weigth yourself (think Footprints); that he may not calm the storm, but will calm you in it; that he eases suffering and looks after those who believe in him...none of these thing explain punishment. It becomes harder and harder to believe these things as I've always believed them when you look even further into the world than me. What about the homeless? The innocent shildren in a war torn country? The starving? The sick? The poverty stricken? What have they done to experience the karma they experience?
I have a hard time believing God is looking down upon this saying, "but you did it to another". Even harder still, is that one might be in this situation and ask him for help, guidence, relief of some sort and it is not given? The phrase, "everything happens for a reason" seems to imply that God is into "teaching lessons and punishing, or 'ignoring' hurt for some greater 'lesson'". If hurting, and crying, and aching, and losing much of a will for life (such as an elderly widow who has just lost a spouse of 50 years), is to "make you stronger" or "help you appreciate further the gold at the end of the rainbow", then it also means that God ignores us in times of need. However, as my friend Karen suggests, how do we know that the degree of our suffering is not significantly lessened because of the presence of God in our lives?
I don't have any answers. I think if I did I'd stop wondering and hurting at the thought that I could've been wrong all these years! :) the only one who truly knows the answers isn't sharing them with us. Perhaps, the interpretation is all part of the journey toward a very common end.
On my trip home yesterday I was thinking alot about Karma. Saturday night, as we were leaving Seacrets I ran into one of my former field hockey players, Jen. I loved Jen. She was so geniunely nice and even in her frenzy to get everything done she continued to heap onto her plate, she was concerned for other people. She was filling me in on the lives of some of her former teammates. One of which was Kristen.
For those who don't cringe at the mention of her name, as I did, Kristen was the field hockey/softball player Ryan began a secret relationship with 2 days post-breaking up with me. The reason this relationship was secret was because Kristen had a boyfriend. Kristen's boyfriend was a former SSU football player named Burt, who was at the time living in Pennsy. pursuing a Master's degree. As if her "dating" my Ryan wasn't bad enough, she would only talk about the things they did together is I was around and no one else, but her friend Megan; otherwise, it was always about Burt. I didn't have verbal confirmation of their being together, but I could see it in Ryan's eyes whenever he looked at her. (Could also tell Neil what Neil was or wasn't up to by his eyes, but that's neither here nor there.) For years the only person I could ever truly say I hated was Kristen. (Not that I carried this hate with me, or thought about it often, but if anyone ever asked...Kristen was the only name that popped to mind.) Somehow, doing something which purposely hurts another person warrents this level of emotion in me. (So, in case you haven't gather...the list has been topped by one, some days two new people - I haven't quite fgured out how "intentional" he was.)
So, Jen was telling me about Kristen. She informed me Kristen and Burt married (which I knew from our SSU alumni newsletter) and were living in Pennsy. Sometime recently Kristen became pregnant. According to Jen, she miscarried late (7th or 8th month) and her body never got the message. Her body is still in various stages of early motherhood functioning. I was confused. No matter how much of me hated her for hurting me, that is NOTHING I would ever wish on another person. But, some of me wondered, Does what go around really come around?
I pondered this all the way back to New Jersey yesterday. Does it? Even if no legitimate connection is made, do the things we do to others in life really come back to us in the end? Yes, makes so much sense and oddly enough, I find it comforting. There were things I did (somewhat subconsciously) in being with Neil that hurt other people. So, maybe THAT's the explaination I've been looking for in why I feel so hurt and tortured by his leaving me to go back to her, and my feelings of loneliness for deserting my friends to be with him. It's my punishment for hurting her and them. Somehow, it just came around faster than most. In the same comforting respect, it means that for "doing unto me" (to reference an earlier blog), they too will find some level of unrest and hurt in their lives. If Trish's theory is true, (she believes Christy's punishment is having to live with a man who will never love her completely, will never put her first in life and will treat her more like a roommate and friend than a happily wed spouse {if he is ever able to marry her}; and that Neil's is having to live never finding love or a woman who treated him as well as I did, and living with a woman who is bossy, pushy, manipulative, and "wears the pants" in the relationship.) maybe they have already experienced their just sentance too.
The part that disturbs me is it means God punishes. I have always believe God is a loving, caring God. That if you ask, you will receive; he will carry you and "bear the brunt" of whatever is troubling you until you can take the weigth yourself (think Footprints); that he may not calm the storm, but will calm you in it; that he eases suffering and looks after those who believe in him...none of these thing explain punishment. It becomes harder and harder to believe these things as I've always believed them when you look even further into the world than me. What about the homeless? The innocent shildren in a war torn country? The starving? The sick? The poverty stricken? What have they done to experience the karma they experience?
I have a hard time believing God is looking down upon this saying, "but you did it to another". Even harder still, is that one might be in this situation and ask him for help, guidence, relief of some sort and it is not given? The phrase, "everything happens for a reason" seems to imply that God is into "teaching lessons and punishing, or 'ignoring' hurt for some greater 'lesson'". If hurting, and crying, and aching, and losing much of a will for life (such as an elderly widow who has just lost a spouse of 50 years), is to "make you stronger" or "help you appreciate further the gold at the end of the rainbow", then it also means that God ignores us in times of need. However, as my friend Karen suggests, how do we know that the degree of our suffering is not significantly lessened because of the presence of God in our lives?
I don't have any answers. I think if I did I'd stop wondering and hurting at the thought that I could've been wrong all these years! :) the only one who truly knows the answers isn't sharing them with us. Perhaps, the interpretation is all part of the journey toward a very common end.
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
(This is a Michael Kramer advertisement. Please be advised this is a non-apid ad! :) )
I was reading an article today in Prevention magazine called "Bouncing Back". It wasquoting a research study and focused primarily on loss of loved ones, especially since September 11th. Here are some well extracted exerpts from his article.
"Saying that we should pull together and get on with life is fine. But for those of us engulfed in these or any other tragedy, how are we supposed to 'get back to normal'?" Dr. Levine, noted author and chairman of the Institute of Behavioral Health in San Diego says of a study he did, "What I learned from these people is that everyone reaches out to someone. That's how they survive. That's what makes them resilient." The article goes on to say that when interviewing people who bounced back, the researchers asked "What really worked for you and what didn't? The first thing they said, of course, was decent food, clothing, and housing. But the second thing they said was having someone who believed in them and told them they were going to get better. It was the opportunity to be close to one single person that gave them their ability to bounce back."
For me (granted some may not classify this as tragedy, but the emotions I've felt may convince you otherwise), it was not one person but many people. One of my favorite non-suspecting ones is my old roommate Mike. Picture it, you are hired at new job, leaving behind a small piece of h*ll (for any of you who've ever been to Rustin, LA...Mike says you'll understand) and arrive all bright-eyed to begin your awaited future. You move in with some random girl your co-worker arranged for you and off you go into happinees, right? Instead you come to realize that your co-worker and your new roommate are in the beginning stage of what will become a horrible relationship. Not the ideal situation you thought it would be, is it? The tensions on you must be enormous. Then, imagine the 4 months you come home to your roommate dissolved in agony, hasn't even gotten out of bed for the day, OR has called and asked you not to come home at all. Fianlly, she moves away; But you are not absolved of your roommate responsibilities yet. You get random emails admitting to absolute misery or cryptic phone calls you swear really aren't just to wish you a Happy Feather Pillow Day! :)
There are other people I've leaned on whom I've known longer. We've share some things and been there for each others ups and downs in life. Mike, bless his little baseball soul, just gets the brunt of the bad (and unfortuantely since I've known him...no good). There are some people who I've known a long time who have bowed out when I call upset, or wish to talk. Mike has not. And even when I ask him if I've been too much, and encourage him to tell me to GO AWAY for his mental health, he tells me I'm "ridiculous" or "absurd" and continues to "listen" and "receive" whatever I feel like telling him.
This past Thursday after my meeting with Bob, the president of the company I was temping for, I was flying on cloud 7 (9 was full :) ). There were a few people I wanted to share with (Yes, Neil being one of them, but couldn't be...it was a little humbling to my mood). So, I picked up the cell and called Mike. After rambling on to his voice mail for 15 minutes, I hung up. While waiting for James for dinner Saturday night, I checked my voice mail to find one from Mike. It was very "guy jock" message, but it still made me feel mushy and girlie! :) He said I deserved to be "pumped up by someone" (See, guy jock...I told ya! :) ) and he's sure so many people (and he listed a few...even got Mark's name right!) feel the same way, but it's good that someone told me and made me feel good. I deserve to feel good and be happy. (During our brief reutrn call - actually person-to-person - Neil called him and interrupted and immed. lowered my happiness buzz...but I digress.)
This is the type of person my Michael is. He's concerned for others and tries to find the time to help others...while doing things which satisfy himself and those he wants to spend time with. Sometimes, he overextends himself in trying to do too much with too many with too little time, but it's a very understandable trait! :) Although he's not great at returning email :) or picking up the phone when he's not in his car! :), the people he's close to know he is always thinking of them and will always "be" there if they need him. I only hope that there is a time I can return the favor for him and let him know how special he is to me for all I've "put him through". :)
They (whoever they are) say that in times of crisis there are those you can count on and those you can't. In the last more-than-too-many months I have learned who I can count on to be there for me when I need them, for however long I need them, not because it's easy (as a matter of fact, I'm sure it's been extremely draining and frustrating) but because they care about me and know that by leaning on them I will "bounce back". (I just wish I could be as confident as they are)
In addition to friends, there are 6 other things this article recommends to help "bounce back". 1) Search for spiritual peace 2) Count your belssings 3) Take up skydiving (well, actual a new interest) 4) Get good at something new 5) Help Others and 6) Love, Love, Love.
Please keep Mike in all your thoughts starting today as his Spartans take on the Georgia Southern Golden Eagles tomorrow at 4pm to kick off their show in the Southern Conference Tournament. If all goes well, he'll still be in Charleston coaching on Saturday (or Sunday) during the finals!
I was reading an article today in Prevention magazine called "Bouncing Back". It wasquoting a research study and focused primarily on loss of loved ones, especially since September 11th. Here are some well extracted exerpts from his article.
"Saying that we should pull together and get on with life is fine. But for those of us engulfed in these or any other tragedy, how are we supposed to 'get back to normal'?" Dr. Levine, noted author and chairman of the Institute of Behavioral Health in San Diego says of a study he did, "What I learned from these people is that everyone reaches out to someone. That's how they survive. That's what makes them resilient." The article goes on to say that when interviewing people who bounced back, the researchers asked "What really worked for you and what didn't? The first thing they said, of course, was decent food, clothing, and housing. But the second thing they said was having someone who believed in them and told them they were going to get better. It was the opportunity to be close to one single person that gave them their ability to bounce back."
For me (granted some may not classify this as tragedy, but the emotions I've felt may convince you otherwise), it was not one person but many people. One of my favorite non-suspecting ones is my old roommate Mike. Picture it, you are hired at new job, leaving behind a small piece of h*ll (for any of you who've ever been to Rustin, LA...Mike says you'll understand) and arrive all bright-eyed to begin your awaited future. You move in with some random girl your co-worker arranged for you and off you go into happinees, right? Instead you come to realize that your co-worker and your new roommate are in the beginning stage of what will become a horrible relationship. Not the ideal situation you thought it would be, is it? The tensions on you must be enormous. Then, imagine the 4 months you come home to your roommate dissolved in agony, hasn't even gotten out of bed for the day, OR has called and asked you not to come home at all. Fianlly, she moves away; But you are not absolved of your roommate responsibilities yet. You get random emails admitting to absolute misery or cryptic phone calls you swear really aren't just to wish you a Happy Feather Pillow Day! :)
There are other people I've leaned on whom I've known longer. We've share some things and been there for each others ups and downs in life. Mike, bless his little baseball soul, just gets the brunt of the bad (and unfortuantely since I've known him...no good). There are some people who I've known a long time who have bowed out when I call upset, or wish to talk. Mike has not. And even when I ask him if I've been too much, and encourage him to tell me to GO AWAY for his mental health, he tells me I'm "ridiculous" or "absurd" and continues to "listen" and "receive" whatever I feel like telling him.
This past Thursday after my meeting with Bob, the president of the company I was temping for, I was flying on cloud 7 (9 was full :) ). There were a few people I wanted to share with (Yes, Neil being one of them, but couldn't be...it was a little humbling to my mood). So, I picked up the cell and called Mike. After rambling on to his voice mail for 15 minutes, I hung up. While waiting for James for dinner Saturday night, I checked my voice mail to find one from Mike. It was very "guy jock" message, but it still made me feel mushy and girlie! :) He said I deserved to be "pumped up by someone" (See, guy jock...I told ya! :) ) and he's sure so many people (and he listed a few...even got Mark's name right!) feel the same way, but it's good that someone told me and made me feel good. I deserve to feel good and be happy. (During our brief reutrn call - actually person-to-person - Neil called him and interrupted and immed. lowered my happiness buzz...but I digress.)
This is the type of person my Michael is. He's concerned for others and tries to find the time to help others...while doing things which satisfy himself and those he wants to spend time with. Sometimes, he overextends himself in trying to do too much with too many with too little time, but it's a very understandable trait! :) Although he's not great at returning email :) or picking up the phone when he's not in his car! :), the people he's close to know he is always thinking of them and will always "be" there if they need him. I only hope that there is a time I can return the favor for him and let him know how special he is to me for all I've "put him through". :)
They (whoever they are) say that in times of crisis there are those you can count on and those you can't. In the last more-than-too-many months I have learned who I can count on to be there for me when I need them, for however long I need them, not because it's easy (as a matter of fact, I'm sure it's been extremely draining and frustrating) but because they care about me and know that by leaning on them I will "bounce back". (I just wish I could be as confident as they are)
In addition to friends, there are 6 other things this article recommends to help "bounce back". 1) Search for spiritual peace 2) Count your belssings 3) Take up skydiving (well, actual a new interest) 4) Get good at something new 5) Help Others and 6) Love, Love, Love.
Please keep Mike in all your thoughts starting today as his Spartans take on the Georgia Southern Golden Eagles tomorrow at 4pm to kick off their show in the Southern Conference Tournament. If all goes well, he'll still be in Charleston coaching on Saturday (or Sunday) during the finals!
Monday, May 20, 2002
Hi All! Somehow, "going to the beach" conjurs up thoughts of sun, the smell of suntan lotion, the feel of aloe after a sunburn, a gentle breeze and a light salty smell and feel to the air. Unfort., this trip to VA beach was cold, rainy, and I think there was an ocean somewhere around. :) Gotta love mother nature!
The weekend was a little odd. My Head Athletic Trainer from college was wonderfully nice to me (not that he was ever mean, but sometimes I was sure I just blended in with what was around me) and my former Asst. Trainer from Greensboro was there and it is always nice to see him. There were some alumni present, and I got to spend the weekend with Meg, the other GA with me at UNCG.
It's always a little disconcerting when things change. I'm not sure if more is changing around me, or if I'm just more cognizant of it (and it might be a little of both). There were 3 alum present this weekend who really threw me into a tizzy. I'm not sure if any of you remember me ever talking about Jeff Boyer, Tom Morgan and Craig Yingling. I met Craig my Junior year in High School. He came to Cherokee with Rusty for a weekend (and to work a football game I believe). It was nice once I got to Salisbury to occasionally see a familiar face (Craig was doing his internship at Cambridge at the time). I met Jeff through Wayne, and although I met Tom this way as well, I was probably closer with Jeff. I have some great memories with each of these guys; nights out drinking, talks about girlfriends and boyfriends (mine, not theirs), training classes and learning techniques, funny (and sometimes risque) pneumonic devices and our famous "study sessions" which somehow always involved "trainer talk", but usually involved way more alcohol, games, or movies!
So, what threw me for a loop? They're all married. Laura, Tom's wife, lived on my floor in Choptank my Freshman year at SSU. I met Jeff's wife when I traveled to ECU for a softball tournament and she was the host certified. I still have yet to meet Craig's wife, although she was there and I saw her. I really like Laura and Amy (Jeff's wife). They are wonderful people and I couldn't have picked a better match for eithe rof these guys, but they are married. The guys I used to drink with, hang out with, be "in college" with are now "those married people". :)
The first night wasn't so bad. We had an Alumni Party and I got to play catch up with husbands and wives alike. Then the current SU students (No, not a mistype....they dropped the "State" after we left) whisked us alum into special seats while they presented their required skits. We laughed, threw out inside joke one-liners in the midst of their presentation, we reminesced and for a moment it was like old times. Then the clock struck twelve and we had to go. The current Grad Assistant's at SU and some of the senior students were headed out to hit the local hotspots in VA Beach. We all passed. It was late, we were tired...off to bed we went.
The second night was the Director's Reception. Most of my fondest memories of convention come from this night. There were the volleyball games in the hot sun, the country two-steps on the dance floor, the seniors playing bartender to the "youngsters", the descending on the hotel bar after the reception ended, but we didn't want to have to part as a group, so of age and under age headed to the bar, singing kareoke and dancing up a storm until the bar kicked us out. Ah, the good ol' days. I was so excited about the reception. Meg and James had never been to a District convention and I was so excited to act as their "host". However, life had different plans. the Alumni "table" was all married couples. Those who were not married were off mingling with their Grad School alum and students. Eventually, I looked around and all the marrieds were in a huddle standing next to the dance floor, having a drink and talking about married people stuff I guess. :) After my one drink, I looked at Meg and we opted for the hotel room, jammies, and t.v. It just wasn't the same.
I was speaking with Chris, an Alum from 1994 later. I asked her if it was the push the board was making to make convention more family oriented, or us. She (a nice 7 mo. pregnant) said it must be us. She conjured up some memories she had of conventions of yore as we looked around the room. We talked about a mutual current student we knew who had interviewed me a few months into her freshman year, and who was one of Chris' students at her High School job post-SSU. Ashley, the student, is headed in the fall to Chapel Hill for a GA position. A silence fell and we looked over at Chris' husband who was engaged in a conversation with a young man. As they finished, Bruce sat down and when asked how he knew (anyone at convention) him, he replied "I taught him in High School. Man, I feel old." "Welcome to the table, Bruce." I replied. They laughed and then excused themselves for bed.
Growing up, I could never wait to be 25. I had visions of a nice car, my own apartment, cute little boyfriend, and happy hour and dinners with girlfriends and their cute little boyfriends. (Even though I didn't exactly know what a happy hour was, I knew that grown ups all "met for drinks", so I was gonna do that too when I grew up!) Well, 25 came and went. Had a car (nice...yeah...but not what I'd envisioned), an apartment with a roommate, did happy hour, only thing missing was the cute little boyfriend (well, at 25 I had Neil, but boyfriend he wasn't). Now 27 is fastly approaching and I have a car (which is currently the family one and fast approaching 100,000 miles and FAR from the convertible BMW I was supposed to have at 25!), live in a house with the same 4 people I've lived with most of my life, think happy hour is a waste of an hour - with all the drunk people, smokey air, and loud people/music, not to mention being bumped into, having drinks spilled over you, and generally feeling like a turkey at Thanksgiving! :)
So, when did I go from too young to too old? 27 isn't OLD, according to most people; And even I would have to agree to some extent. I Don't feel we should be getting marriage, having kids, and the other daily hassles of "adult" life. We're still too young. But, I don't feel like I should be hanging out in bars, picking up phone numbers, and drinking into oblivion. Where's the medium? Where's the great image I had of the post-21/pre-30 stage of life?
All I know is I came back from VA Beach feeling old. Too old to hangout with the drunken students dancing on the floor - making THEIR VA Beach convention memories, and too young (or too old b/c I'm not) to be hanging out with the "marrieds" sipping drinks and talking about whatever occurs in their circle. Maybe someday I'll find out. But, probably by that time, I'll be too old to be talking newlywed and too young to be talking kindergarten. :)
The weekend was a little odd. My Head Athletic Trainer from college was wonderfully nice to me (not that he was ever mean, but sometimes I was sure I just blended in with what was around me) and my former Asst. Trainer from Greensboro was there and it is always nice to see him. There were some alumni present, and I got to spend the weekend with Meg, the other GA with me at UNCG.
It's always a little disconcerting when things change. I'm not sure if more is changing around me, or if I'm just more cognizant of it (and it might be a little of both). There were 3 alum present this weekend who really threw me into a tizzy. I'm not sure if any of you remember me ever talking about Jeff Boyer, Tom Morgan and Craig Yingling. I met Craig my Junior year in High School. He came to Cherokee with Rusty for a weekend (and to work a football game I believe). It was nice once I got to Salisbury to occasionally see a familiar face (Craig was doing his internship at Cambridge at the time). I met Jeff through Wayne, and although I met Tom this way as well, I was probably closer with Jeff. I have some great memories with each of these guys; nights out drinking, talks about girlfriends and boyfriends (mine, not theirs), training classes and learning techniques, funny (and sometimes risque) pneumonic devices and our famous "study sessions" which somehow always involved "trainer talk", but usually involved way more alcohol, games, or movies!
So, what threw me for a loop? They're all married. Laura, Tom's wife, lived on my floor in Choptank my Freshman year at SSU. I met Jeff's wife when I traveled to ECU for a softball tournament and she was the host certified. I still have yet to meet Craig's wife, although she was there and I saw her. I really like Laura and Amy (Jeff's wife). They are wonderful people and I couldn't have picked a better match for eithe rof these guys, but they are married. The guys I used to drink with, hang out with, be "in college" with are now "those married people". :)
The first night wasn't so bad. We had an Alumni Party and I got to play catch up with husbands and wives alike. Then the current SU students (No, not a mistype....they dropped the "State" after we left) whisked us alum into special seats while they presented their required skits. We laughed, threw out inside joke one-liners in the midst of their presentation, we reminesced and for a moment it was like old times. Then the clock struck twelve and we had to go. The current Grad Assistant's at SU and some of the senior students were headed out to hit the local hotspots in VA Beach. We all passed. It was late, we were tired...off to bed we went.
The second night was the Director's Reception. Most of my fondest memories of convention come from this night. There were the volleyball games in the hot sun, the country two-steps on the dance floor, the seniors playing bartender to the "youngsters", the descending on the hotel bar after the reception ended, but we didn't want to have to part as a group, so of age and under age headed to the bar, singing kareoke and dancing up a storm until the bar kicked us out. Ah, the good ol' days. I was so excited about the reception. Meg and James had never been to a District convention and I was so excited to act as their "host". However, life had different plans. the Alumni "table" was all married couples. Those who were not married were off mingling with their Grad School alum and students. Eventually, I looked around and all the marrieds were in a huddle standing next to the dance floor, having a drink and talking about married people stuff I guess. :) After my one drink, I looked at Meg and we opted for the hotel room, jammies, and t.v. It just wasn't the same.
I was speaking with Chris, an Alum from 1994 later. I asked her if it was the push the board was making to make convention more family oriented, or us. She (a nice 7 mo. pregnant) said it must be us. She conjured up some memories she had of conventions of yore as we looked around the room. We talked about a mutual current student we knew who had interviewed me a few months into her freshman year, and who was one of Chris' students at her High School job post-SSU. Ashley, the student, is headed in the fall to Chapel Hill for a GA position. A silence fell and we looked over at Chris' husband who was engaged in a conversation with a young man. As they finished, Bruce sat down and when asked how he knew (anyone at convention) him, he replied "I taught him in High School. Man, I feel old." "Welcome to the table, Bruce." I replied. They laughed and then excused themselves for bed.
Growing up, I could never wait to be 25. I had visions of a nice car, my own apartment, cute little boyfriend, and happy hour and dinners with girlfriends and their cute little boyfriends. (Even though I didn't exactly know what a happy hour was, I knew that grown ups all "met for drinks", so I was gonna do that too when I grew up!) Well, 25 came and went. Had a car (nice...yeah...but not what I'd envisioned), an apartment with a roommate, did happy hour, only thing missing was the cute little boyfriend (well, at 25 I had Neil, but boyfriend he wasn't). Now 27 is fastly approaching and I have a car (which is currently the family one and fast approaching 100,000 miles and FAR from the convertible BMW I was supposed to have at 25!), live in a house with the same 4 people I've lived with most of my life, think happy hour is a waste of an hour - with all the drunk people, smokey air, and loud people/music, not to mention being bumped into, having drinks spilled over you, and generally feeling like a turkey at Thanksgiving! :)
So, when did I go from too young to too old? 27 isn't OLD, according to most people; And even I would have to agree to some extent. I Don't feel we should be getting marriage, having kids, and the other daily hassles of "adult" life. We're still too young. But, I don't feel like I should be hanging out in bars, picking up phone numbers, and drinking into oblivion. Where's the medium? Where's the great image I had of the post-21/pre-30 stage of life?
All I know is I came back from VA Beach feeling old. Too old to hangout with the drunken students dancing on the floor - making THEIR VA Beach convention memories, and too young (or too old b/c I'm not) to be hanging out with the "marrieds" sipping drinks and talking about whatever occurs in their circle. Maybe someday I'll find out. But, probably by that time, I'll be too old to be talking newlywed and too young to be talking kindergarten. :)
Thursday, May 16, 2002
Well, I'm off to Virginia Beach this weekend for an MAATA convention...and a little soul searching. Gotta figure out what to do next, as my temp job ended today. The president of the company I was temping for called me into his office today to compliment my performance over the past 3 weeks and offer his services in helping me "find my way" into a future career or job. Both he and his wife are the sweetest people ( a little intimidating as he is a former principal and I've NEVER been in a principal's office! :) ). It's pretty amazing how attached you can get to people after only 3 weeks. I am looking forward to my meeting with him, but I guess going into a potential mentor with a list of things you don't wanna do, but not a clue as to what you want to do is no help! So, I'm back to square one...where I was 5 months ago.
Speaking of 5 months...I can't believe how different my life is after 5 months. If I think back to a year ago, I was getting ready to meet my mom and Aunt Lois in Charleston and all the trauma and heartache I endured getting constantly pushed aside for other women (by Neil for Christy - which to this day my aunt Lois STILL can't understand! and just once by Mike for Cheryl - given his phenomeonal choice in women post-Cheryl, I may actually forgive him on Kristina's merit alone! :) For those of you who haven't met her, she's marvelous and suited well for Mike!). I had alot of friends and a job. It's amazing how those things change.
Going back even further, I was reminescing about prior trips for MAATA conferences to VA Beach. Ahh..College. Going with a group of SSU collegues, dancing, singing (for those of you who know Wayne...can you imagine anything less?!?!?), learning...life had a purpose. I was gonna be a trainer. Did I necessarily always want to do it? No, but I always knew I would. I knew where I was headed...knew what life had in store. There was a great deal of security and happiness in having a road to travel on.
So, in going backward I am posed with a question...have I really "progressed"? Is where I am in life better than where I was? And what have I learned? Is "progress" really "progressing"?
I remember a trip I took with James, our assistant A.T. (now the head ATC in GSO) to Chapel Hill for a tennis match. We talked a little about Ryan. (You all remember him, don't you? Some closer to my mom may remember him more "fondly" as Swamp Thing) James asked me what I had learned from the whole relationship. I couldn't think of one thing. Apparently, somethhing positive has to come out of bad situations. Ever since that night I have racked my brain trying to think of what I learned in that situation. After this whole fiasco with Neil, I have hindsight on the Ryan thing. It took the fiasco to fianlly teach me my lesson from Ryan. (if I keep learning at this rate, I'm NEVER gonna get anywhere! :) ) "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
(A little Ryan/Neil comparison for those who don't know one or the other...for those who do, Pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not relieve the ugliness. :) Alright Ryan: Got together in June/July, it was sort of a meld from friendship to dating with no clear definition, he told me he loved me Christmas Day, parents thought we were getting too serious, he broke up with me after a month of weekend fighting on my g-parents 50th wedding anniversay, March 1st. 2 weeks later he was dating one of my softball players {who also had a boyfriend long-distance}. She made sure I knew ever aspect of her relationship with Ryan while maintaining her loving girlfriend act with everyone else for her long-distance man. I didn't handle it well - for about 3 months until Ryan came back. Things went on and off until the lightbulb went on after Christmas my first year at Grad school. Only talked to him 2ce since. Now Neil: Neil was the boyfriend of the girl I moved in with upon arriving in GSO. She moved to Tenn. Neil and I remained close. He dated his secretary {wench} and we were good friends. I became friends with her. Neil and I sepnt alot of time together. He was still holding on to my ex-roommate, so he and Wench broke up. {Mind you, lets figure out who picked up the pieces when he cried, punched walls over the ex-roommate, and fought in public places with the wench. I went running, was "forcefully cuddled" by a stranger, Neil and I grew closer - sort a friendship into a relationship meld. Wench moved in with Neil b/c they both needed roommates. Wench still wanted Neil and even though she told him nothing between he and I would change if she moved in, she thought we were too close. Began making him uncomfortable at home. I told Neil I loved him before Christmas. He began giving into her, not sticking up for me and spending less time with me to "ease" his tension at home. December he told me they were "dating" {normal people call it living together...but hey, whatever.} and he wanted to reamin friends b/c he loved me, "just not that way". I didn't handle it well. January I moved home. Every once in awhile I get an email from him, but only if I send one first.
So, here I sit. Am I really progressing? At 19 I knew what I wanted to do and where my life was headed (silly girl!). I was happy and content and secure. I felt as though I could do anything and "fry it up in a pan" :) . All I had to do was want it badly enough and it could be mine. Life was wonderful. At almost 27, I have no clue what I want to do and have no clue where my life is headed. No happy, no content, no secure - because in life there are no guarantees. At any minute everything you have could be snatched away and turn your nice paved road, into chunks of pavement that leads nowhere. I now know I cannot do anything. Or maybe, the boundries and obstacles that stand in the way of "anything" and what I am and am not willing to do or am and am not good at/cut out to do (for those of you who have ever looked at my check register or watched me balance my checkbook, you know accounting is NOT my God chosen career path! :) ) And, sometimes wanting and fighting is not enough to make it so. Especially when there is another human being fighting in the opposite direction. It is very hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn't return calls. AND, it is very hard to believe someone loves you when you bare your deepest emotions to them and they turn away. Life is anything but wonderful.
So, is this progress? It feels as though I must be moving backward. Then, some little voice mentions that sometimes in life you must move backward to go further forward. But how far back, and how many "doomed to repeat it"s, must we go through to go forward? Does being unstable and unsecure set the foundation for insuring stability and security in the future? And how do we keep the drive to continue moving at all if we can't see the potential which lies ahead? How do we know we are moving backward to go forward and not just moving backward?
The things I saw in Neil are not the same things I saw in Ryan. Ryan was strong into family and friends. We enjoyed the same music, doing the same things. We had many common interests. We enjoyed each others company and never wanted to be apart. My mom said once, at Jill's graduation after the whole Kristen thing and we were trying again, that she could see in his eyes when he looked at me how much he cared for me and that awhat she wanted for me was someone who looked at me that way everyday.
Neil, on the other hand reminded me of my father. The first things I noticed about him were his great sense of humor, ability to always be center of attention, how people just drew to him, and the little sparkle in his eye at certain things. As I got to know him I realized we shared similar beliefs on family, friends, and God. We held the same vales dear in ourselves, co-workers and loved ones. A similar work ethic and focus on what we wanted from the future (as individuals). In addition, he was kind, caring, dedicated, liked similar music (even though he's MUCH worse at naming the artist of songs than I am. :) ) and had very similar quirks to me.
What I have realized about both of them is they were selfish. I don't mean that derrogatorily. They are both very concerned about themselves and their feelings above and beyond anyone else. When I attended my mom's cousin's son's wedding, the father of the bride (who was also the minister) said, "I asked Jenny how she knew Kevin was the one and she said, 'Because he puts me first'." It made me cry. I don't know what it's like to have someone put me first. Maybe that's what I needed to realize. (Don't know what good it's gonna do me...after this last fiasco, what I've learned is I have great taste in men with potential, who will realize it with someone else-and therefore, will be avoiding a 3rd lesson in anything having to do with men.)
So, is this progress? Well...maybe the men thing. ;)
Speaking of 5 months...I can't believe how different my life is after 5 months. If I think back to a year ago, I was getting ready to meet my mom and Aunt Lois in Charleston and all the trauma and heartache I endured getting constantly pushed aside for other women (by Neil for Christy - which to this day my aunt Lois STILL can't understand! and just once by Mike for Cheryl - given his phenomeonal choice in women post-Cheryl, I may actually forgive him on Kristina's merit alone! :) For those of you who haven't met her, she's marvelous and suited well for Mike!). I had alot of friends and a job. It's amazing how those things change.
Going back even further, I was reminescing about prior trips for MAATA conferences to VA Beach. Ahh..College. Going with a group of SSU collegues, dancing, singing (for those of you who know Wayne...can you imagine anything less?!?!?), learning...life had a purpose. I was gonna be a trainer. Did I necessarily always want to do it? No, but I always knew I would. I knew where I was headed...knew what life had in store. There was a great deal of security and happiness in having a road to travel on.
So, in going backward I am posed with a question...have I really "progressed"? Is where I am in life better than where I was? And what have I learned? Is "progress" really "progressing"?
I remember a trip I took with James, our assistant A.T. (now the head ATC in GSO) to Chapel Hill for a tennis match. We talked a little about Ryan. (You all remember him, don't you? Some closer to my mom may remember him more "fondly" as Swamp Thing) James asked me what I had learned from the whole relationship. I couldn't think of one thing. Apparently, somethhing positive has to come out of bad situations. Ever since that night I have racked my brain trying to think of what I learned in that situation. After this whole fiasco with Neil, I have hindsight on the Ryan thing. It took the fiasco to fianlly teach me my lesson from Ryan. (if I keep learning at this rate, I'm NEVER gonna get anywhere! :) ) "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
(A little Ryan/Neil comparison for those who don't know one or the other...for those who do, Pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not relieve the ugliness. :) Alright Ryan: Got together in June/July, it was sort of a meld from friendship to dating with no clear definition, he told me he loved me Christmas Day, parents thought we were getting too serious, he broke up with me after a month of weekend fighting on my g-parents 50th wedding anniversay, March 1st. 2 weeks later he was dating one of my softball players {who also had a boyfriend long-distance}. She made sure I knew ever aspect of her relationship with Ryan while maintaining her loving girlfriend act with everyone else for her long-distance man. I didn't handle it well - for about 3 months until Ryan came back. Things went on and off until the lightbulb went on after Christmas my first year at Grad school. Only talked to him 2ce since. Now Neil: Neil was the boyfriend of the girl I moved in with upon arriving in GSO. She moved to Tenn. Neil and I remained close. He dated his secretary {wench} and we were good friends. I became friends with her. Neil and I sepnt alot of time together. He was still holding on to my ex-roommate, so he and Wench broke up. {Mind you, lets figure out who picked up the pieces when he cried, punched walls over the ex-roommate, and fought in public places with the wench. I went running, was "forcefully cuddled" by a stranger, Neil and I grew closer - sort a friendship into a relationship meld. Wench moved in with Neil b/c they both needed roommates. Wench still wanted Neil and even though she told him nothing between he and I would change if she moved in, she thought we were too close. Began making him uncomfortable at home. I told Neil I loved him before Christmas. He began giving into her, not sticking up for me and spending less time with me to "ease" his tension at home. December he told me they were "dating" {normal people call it living together...but hey, whatever.} and he wanted to reamin friends b/c he loved me, "just not that way". I didn't handle it well. January I moved home. Every once in awhile I get an email from him, but only if I send one first.
So, here I sit. Am I really progressing? At 19 I knew what I wanted to do and where my life was headed (silly girl!). I was happy and content and secure. I felt as though I could do anything and "fry it up in a pan" :) . All I had to do was want it badly enough and it could be mine. Life was wonderful. At almost 27, I have no clue what I want to do and have no clue where my life is headed. No happy, no content, no secure - because in life there are no guarantees. At any minute everything you have could be snatched away and turn your nice paved road, into chunks of pavement that leads nowhere. I now know I cannot do anything. Or maybe, the boundries and obstacles that stand in the way of "anything" and what I am and am not willing to do or am and am not good at/cut out to do (for those of you who have ever looked at my check register or watched me balance my checkbook, you know accounting is NOT my God chosen career path! :) ) And, sometimes wanting and fighting is not enough to make it so. Especially when there is another human being fighting in the opposite direction. It is very hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn't return calls. AND, it is very hard to believe someone loves you when you bare your deepest emotions to them and they turn away. Life is anything but wonderful.
So, is this progress? It feels as though I must be moving backward. Then, some little voice mentions that sometimes in life you must move backward to go further forward. But how far back, and how many "doomed to repeat it"s, must we go through to go forward? Does being unstable and unsecure set the foundation for insuring stability and security in the future? And how do we keep the drive to continue moving at all if we can't see the potential which lies ahead? How do we know we are moving backward to go forward and not just moving backward?
The things I saw in Neil are not the same things I saw in Ryan. Ryan was strong into family and friends. We enjoyed the same music, doing the same things. We had many common interests. We enjoyed each others company and never wanted to be apart. My mom said once, at Jill's graduation after the whole Kristen thing and we were trying again, that she could see in his eyes when he looked at me how much he cared for me and that awhat she wanted for me was someone who looked at me that way everyday.
Neil, on the other hand reminded me of my father. The first things I noticed about him were his great sense of humor, ability to always be center of attention, how people just drew to him, and the little sparkle in his eye at certain things. As I got to know him I realized we shared similar beliefs on family, friends, and God. We held the same vales dear in ourselves, co-workers and loved ones. A similar work ethic and focus on what we wanted from the future (as individuals). In addition, he was kind, caring, dedicated, liked similar music (even though he's MUCH worse at naming the artist of songs than I am. :) ) and had very similar quirks to me.
What I have realized about both of them is they were selfish. I don't mean that derrogatorily. They are both very concerned about themselves and their feelings above and beyond anyone else. When I attended my mom's cousin's son's wedding, the father of the bride (who was also the minister) said, "I asked Jenny how she knew Kevin was the one and she said, 'Because he puts me first'." It made me cry. I don't know what it's like to have someone put me first. Maybe that's what I needed to realize. (Don't know what good it's gonna do me...after this last fiasco, what I've learned is I have great taste in men with potential, who will realize it with someone else-and therefore, will be avoiding a 3rd lesson in anything having to do with men.)
So, is this progress? Well...maybe the men thing. ;)
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
OK....I promised Kare a blog on the Golden Rule (Well, actually I just told her I'd blog...I picked the topic! :) )
I've been reviewing The Golden Rule. I think it needs to be changed. See...it doesn't take into consideration "good" people. As I recall... the Golden Rule reads "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I really don't like this rule. It doesn't take consequences into consideration. I mean...if I do unto you as I would want done unto me, what do they have to do?
So, where does it make them?!?!?! I want a nice forceful Golden Rule. One that guarantees me just reward! :) I wanna know that the person I'm "Doing unto" is required to "do unto me"! :) I'm sick of doing unto others! It gets me tired, unappreciated, hurt, disappointed, and depressed. When do they have to "do unto me"?
Maybe it's not the rule that needs changing. Maybe it's those I "do unto". Maybe I need to "do unto" those who I know feel the same way.Maybe the "doing unto" the wrong people is my problem, not the lack of inforcement. It's an interesting thought. One I guess I need to look into more. However, I still think somewhere...the rule needs add my guarantee! :)
I've been reviewing The Golden Rule. I think it needs to be changed. See...it doesn't take into consideration "good" people. As I recall... the Golden Rule reads "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I really don't like this rule. It doesn't take consequences into consideration. I mean...if I do unto you as I would want done unto me, what do they have to do?
So, where does it make them?!?!?! I want a nice forceful Golden Rule. One that guarantees me just reward! :) I wanna know that the person I'm "Doing unto" is required to "do unto me"! :) I'm sick of doing unto others! It gets me tired, unappreciated, hurt, disappointed, and depressed. When do they have to "do unto me"?
Maybe it's not the rule that needs changing. Maybe it's those I "do unto". Maybe I need to "do unto" those who I know feel the same way.Maybe the "doing unto" the wrong people is my problem, not the lack of inforcement. It's an interesting thought. One I guess I need to look into more. However, I still think somewhere...the rule needs add my guarantee! :)
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
Hi All! Sorry I can't stay...I'm in a weird place tonight (For as hippie as that sounds) and don't much feel like writing. (Even though I really wanna talk about the cop in front of me coming home who didn't feel the need to use a turn signal then went more than 5 miles over the speed limit. Some example of how to obey the law!) I'll try and write tomorrow.
Monday, May 13, 2002
What is it about rain that makes people nostalgic? It's been raining for the last two days here. Thunderstorms and possible tornado sightings. Today I called the UNCG baseball office...just to listen to the voice mail message. Sad, I know, but something came over me and I just felt as though I needed to call. I'm blaming the rain. When the phone kept ringing, I knew no one was there and took a deep sigh of relief, but I still couldn't hang up. So, I hung on and once I heard his voice come over the phone...I brought myself to hang up. Soon as I hung up the phone, that stupid Lonestar song came on the radio. Just before I decide to outlaw the radio all together...I have to blame the rain.
Milli Vanilli (or whoever was REALLY singing) may have had it right. You have to "Blame it on the Rain". There's no other rationale to why people do things. Why on a rainy day do we constantly feel the need to sleep? Why do we dress more casual, listen to slow music, and think about things we should've long put behind us? Why did I finally clean my room? See? The rain has a strange effect on people.
As the rain began pouring outside the window tonight at work, we worried about the rain leaking through the roof and ruining the work we'd been doing for weeks, we worried about losing electricity, and most of us worried about the drive home in the pouring down rain. I was just enjoying the rain. The rain stopped as quickly as it began. As soon as it stopped, Peggy (one of my coworkers) went running outside. When she came back in, she told us all she was looking for the rainbow. "Just want to make sure God's still keeping his promise."
When was the last time any of us saw a rainbow? I can tell you I always see the rain. Actually, I usually can feel it coming before I know it's there. But, how come the rainbow doesn't have any signs? How come you don't get to know it's coming, like the telltale old-age signs that accompany the impending rain? The only one you get is that the rain stops, but sometimes that happens so suddenly there is no warning to go outside and look for the rainbow. And often times...the rainbow is only there for a second, before the rain returns.
Milli Vanilli (or whoever was REALLY singing) may have had it right. You have to "Blame it on the Rain". There's no other rationale to why people do things. Why on a rainy day do we constantly feel the need to sleep? Why do we dress more casual, listen to slow music, and think about things we should've long put behind us? Why did I finally clean my room? See? The rain has a strange effect on people.
As the rain began pouring outside the window tonight at work, we worried about the rain leaking through the roof and ruining the work we'd been doing for weeks, we worried about losing electricity, and most of us worried about the drive home in the pouring down rain. I was just enjoying the rain. The rain stopped as quickly as it began. As soon as it stopped, Peggy (one of my coworkers) went running outside. When she came back in, she told us all she was looking for the rainbow. "Just want to make sure God's still keeping his promise."
When was the last time any of us saw a rainbow? I can tell you I always see the rain. Actually, I usually can feel it coming before I know it's there. But, how come the rainbow doesn't have any signs? How come you don't get to know it's coming, like the telltale old-age signs that accompany the impending rain? The only one you get is that the rain stops, but sometimes that happens so suddenly there is no warning to go outside and look for the rainbow. And often times...the rainbow is only there for a second, before the rain returns.
Sunday, May 12, 2002
Hi All! Sorry I haven't written more...it's been a busy day/weekend in the Van Hee household.
Work this past week has been VERY busy! The Global Finals competition is 2 weeks away, but the staff leaves Friday to head down to Tennessee and set up. This means LOTS of working to get everything done before they go! It's been busy, and I'm tired alot when I get home. I've been working at least an hour or more overtime, and hope to put in two or so hours every day Mon. - Thurs. this week. The office manager called me aside Friday to let me know that Robert, who runs the University of Tennessee Conferences division was very impressed with me when he came up to work with us in preparation for Memorial Day. Everyone agreed it was a shame that because of the Mid-Atlantic A.T. Convention I'll be in VA Beach, otherwise I could talk to Robert about a job. Rene (the office manager) thought it would be a great opportunity for me and something I might like to do and that I should go visit after Globals are over. However, she said, they'd like to keep me there too. So, it looks like a permanent job might be looming in the near future. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yesterday was Dad's Birthday. I spent the morning and some of the afternoon with my mom. We took my grandmother and grandfather (mom's parents...dad's are no longer with us) to Value City to look for a suit for my grandfather to wear to my cousin Josh's wedding. Saturday ended a suit sale, so that's why we went yesterday. We picked them up, ate breakfast and went shopping. I ended up with a great pair of linen Liz Claiborne pants, my grandmother got a pretty mint (lime?) green suit with embroidered flowers on it for the wedding, my grandfather got a suit, a sportcoat, a dress shirt, belt, and socks, and mom got a dress, and a couple fo shirts. Not a bad day shopping and in record Value City time at that! :) On the way to pick up my grandparents, I made reservations with the repairman fixing the air conditioning at this restaraunt Dad wanted to try. It was a tavern, which made us a bit nervous, especially after I told mom the only reason Dad picked it was because he saw their ad in the newspaper every week! Turns out (after getting lost and showing up a half hour late for our reservations) it was a cute little place between Moorestown and Mt. Holly. It was a tavern, but the dining room looked more like an inn. They had alot of windows which overlooked the Rancocas River, and they had saved us a nice little corner table where every seat had a view of the river. (It even had a reserved sign on it, which made us feel ultra-important! :) ) Dad got some nice presents, including a little Matchbox Land Rover. :) Hey, we didn't make fun of him for being old...had to pick on him for something! :)
Mother's Day has really been just a blur of a Sunday! The weather has been rainy, overcast, sunny, hot, rainy, thunderstorms, now just humid. My poor nose is like a well-used faucet! (on/off, on/off) I woke up, went grocery shopping, ate lunch, succombed (no way I've tried spelling this looks right!) to my allergies and took a brief 15 min. catnap, then began dinner preparation. My grandparents and Adam, my cousin who's living with them while attending Rutgers came for dinner. Dinner was good, company was good, and mom got her 12 Cup coffee maker, so all is well at the weekend's end.
I, however, am unhappy to report my nightmares have returned. I don't really know what spawned it, but each morning around 6:30 or so I find myself waking, heartpounding for a variety of dreams I thought I had rid myself of having. Somehow I find his name creeping more and more into conversation and think of him constantly. I can't believe 4 months since leaving Greensboro, I still miss him so much. I guess in some weird way, I figured removing myself from the situation would help ease the thoughts and emotions. It hasn't. In my dreams, I see "their" life as if I were watching it through a window. the feelings have yet to subside and the ache seems to grow greater, not less with each passing day. It's hard for so many reasons, I don't know if I can vocalize or put into words all of them - even though I myself know what they are. I think the hardest is knowing that, as David Lee Roth once said, "life goes on without me" :) and it's as if I was never part of his life or even mattered as much as I thought I did.
To add to my neuroses lately, in wrapping all the presents for all the holidays the last two days, I ran across the bag Neil gave me my Christmas presents in one year, with the cute little blonde girl and dark haired little boy sitting on the steps looking at something (or he's watching her open a card). It's really funny (to me, anyway) that each day's events are tough for me without him. I never relied on him much for relieving stress in my life, but I think it's missing out on what's going on in his. When Ellie (the other temp at work) talks about how life has been since her husband died, I understand. And even though your life goes on and moves in it's own direction, it always seems as though something is missing. That each day is just biding time - like when a loved one is on a trip. Your days don't feel the same, but you know eventually they will return and that piece of you will be filled. So you continue going through the motions of life until the day when that person you share your thoughts and feelings with returns and the days once again seem to have meaning and purpose. I, however, know that this is a trip from which my loved one will never return. I am not holding out hope that he will "see the error of his ways and return to me"; Many days I do not even ever want to hear from him or about him ever again. I curse the day I ever met him (as well, I know, as many of you do) and wish he would just disappear from my life and my thoughts - taking all the good and bad memories I have with him. But yet, for as odd as this may sound, some days I hope he has truly found all the love and happiness I always wanted for him. I have been known (on very rare occasions) to be wrong, and perhaps I was merely an obstacle he needed to go through to truly appreciate Christy and his life and find his happiness - true happiness. Others I think he deserves to be miserable and unhappy for the rest of his life, he has made his choice and I want him to live every regretting it. (Not necessarily just me, but everyone in his life he's done this to.) So, I go through the motions everyday, just waiting...
Wow! I went on that tangent ALOT longer than I anticipated! Hopefully, I'll be alot less tired this week and can keep "The Blog" going everyday like I used to. I hope you all are doing well! Now, I feel a nice hot bath and more succombing to my allergies...in my little bed this time! :) 'Night!
Work this past week has been VERY busy! The Global Finals competition is 2 weeks away, but the staff leaves Friday to head down to Tennessee and set up. This means LOTS of working to get everything done before they go! It's been busy, and I'm tired alot when I get home. I've been working at least an hour or more overtime, and hope to put in two or so hours every day Mon. - Thurs. this week. The office manager called me aside Friday to let me know that Robert, who runs the University of Tennessee Conferences division was very impressed with me when he came up to work with us in preparation for Memorial Day. Everyone agreed it was a shame that because of the Mid-Atlantic A.T. Convention I'll be in VA Beach, otherwise I could talk to Robert about a job. Rene (the office manager) thought it would be a great opportunity for me and something I might like to do and that I should go visit after Globals are over. However, she said, they'd like to keep me there too. So, it looks like a permanent job might be looming in the near future. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yesterday was Dad's Birthday. I spent the morning and some of the afternoon with my mom. We took my grandmother and grandfather (mom's parents...dad's are no longer with us) to Value City to look for a suit for my grandfather to wear to my cousin Josh's wedding. Saturday ended a suit sale, so that's why we went yesterday. We picked them up, ate breakfast and went shopping. I ended up with a great pair of linen Liz Claiborne pants, my grandmother got a pretty mint (lime?) green suit with embroidered flowers on it for the wedding, my grandfather got a suit, a sportcoat, a dress shirt, belt, and socks, and mom got a dress, and a couple fo shirts. Not a bad day shopping and in record Value City time at that! :) On the way to pick up my grandparents, I made reservations with the repairman fixing the air conditioning at this restaraunt Dad wanted to try. It was a tavern, which made us a bit nervous, especially after I told mom the only reason Dad picked it was because he saw their ad in the newspaper every week! Turns out (after getting lost and showing up a half hour late for our reservations) it was a cute little place between Moorestown and Mt. Holly. It was a tavern, but the dining room looked more like an inn. They had alot of windows which overlooked the Rancocas River, and they had saved us a nice little corner table where every seat had a view of the river. (It even had a reserved sign on it, which made us feel ultra-important! :) ) Dad got some nice presents, including a little Matchbox Land Rover. :) Hey, we didn't make fun of him for being old...had to pick on him for something! :)
Mother's Day has really been just a blur of a Sunday! The weather has been rainy, overcast, sunny, hot, rainy, thunderstorms, now just humid. My poor nose is like a well-used faucet! (on/off, on/off) I woke up, went grocery shopping, ate lunch, succombed (no way I've tried spelling this looks right!) to my allergies and took a brief 15 min. catnap, then began dinner preparation. My grandparents and Adam, my cousin who's living with them while attending Rutgers came for dinner. Dinner was good, company was good, and mom got her 12 Cup coffee maker, so all is well at the weekend's end.
I, however, am unhappy to report my nightmares have returned. I don't really know what spawned it, but each morning around 6:30 or so I find myself waking, heartpounding for a variety of dreams I thought I had rid myself of having. Somehow I find his name creeping more and more into conversation and think of him constantly. I can't believe 4 months since leaving Greensboro, I still miss him so much. I guess in some weird way, I figured removing myself from the situation would help ease the thoughts and emotions. It hasn't. In my dreams, I see "their" life as if I were watching it through a window. the feelings have yet to subside and the ache seems to grow greater, not less with each passing day. It's hard for so many reasons, I don't know if I can vocalize or put into words all of them - even though I myself know what they are. I think the hardest is knowing that, as David Lee Roth once said, "life goes on without me" :) and it's as if I was never part of his life or even mattered as much as I thought I did.
To add to my neuroses lately, in wrapping all the presents for all the holidays the last two days, I ran across the bag Neil gave me my Christmas presents in one year, with the cute little blonde girl and dark haired little boy sitting on the steps looking at something (or he's watching her open a card). It's really funny (to me, anyway) that each day's events are tough for me without him. I never relied on him much for relieving stress in my life, but I think it's missing out on what's going on in his. When Ellie (the other temp at work) talks about how life has been since her husband died, I understand. And even though your life goes on and moves in it's own direction, it always seems as though something is missing. That each day is just biding time - like when a loved one is on a trip. Your days don't feel the same, but you know eventually they will return and that piece of you will be filled. So you continue going through the motions of life until the day when that person you share your thoughts and feelings with returns and the days once again seem to have meaning and purpose. I, however, know that this is a trip from which my loved one will never return. I am not holding out hope that he will "see the error of his ways and return to me"; Many days I do not even ever want to hear from him or about him ever again. I curse the day I ever met him (as well, I know, as many of you do) and wish he would just disappear from my life and my thoughts - taking all the good and bad memories I have with him. But yet, for as odd as this may sound, some days I hope he has truly found all the love and happiness I always wanted for him. I have been known (on very rare occasions) to be wrong, and perhaps I was merely an obstacle he needed to go through to truly appreciate Christy and his life and find his happiness - true happiness. Others I think he deserves to be miserable and unhappy for the rest of his life, he has made his choice and I want him to live every regretting it. (Not necessarily just me, but everyone in his life he's done this to.) So, I go through the motions everyday, just waiting...
Wow! I went on that tangent ALOT longer than I anticipated! Hopefully, I'll be alot less tired this week and can keep "The Blog" going everyday like I used to. I hope you all are doing well! Now, I feel a nice hot bath and more succombing to my allergies...in my little bed this time! :) 'Night!
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
Hi everyone! Today's blog is gonna be like a WONDERFUL sales pitch for my friend Karen!
See, Karen is walking 26 miles to raise money for suicide awareness. This is a cause close to Karen's heart. Karen decided to walk because a very good friend of hers, Fred, admitted to Kare he had thought about killing himself. Fred had hit a very low place in his life and felt like nothing was going right, or ever would go right.
I guess maybe we all kind of feel like that sometimes. Have you ever worked on a letter and about a paragraph or so into it decided you didn't like it, so you scrapped it and started over? With life, you can't crumple up your mistakes and throw them away. Think about those timed essays in H.S. and college. The way your "paragraph" is when you re-read it is how you are forced to work with it from then on. No erasing, no starting over. The "paragraph" you're facing may not even make sense, form sentances, or even contain words. And yet, the page you've got left to fill seems SO long, and the clock seems to be ticking SO slow. You know you can't continue with this mumbly jumbly stuff, but there's no hope anything intelligible will come into your brain. These are the instances I would pray for a fire drill, a tornado, I'd have visions of contracting some rare Asian 3 hour sickness...anything to get me out of the room, off that paper and to somewhere the answers were...or at least a something to jump start my brain so I could find a direction to move with my essay.
As human beings, we have the opportunity to end the exam all together. We can put an end to the direction our life is headed. Does it seem drastic? Yes. Does it to someone who feels like everything in there life is spiraling downward and it will never get better? No. It's a way to stop the spiral, when nothing else works. I'm sure it was hard for Fred to watch the lives of those around him seem to plateau or rise, when his was constantly spiraling.
How do we react when someone we love and care about seems like their life is valueless? Karen's reaction was anger. She was pissed! How could some she cares about and thinks the world of feel as though he was nothing? Who is HE to take away this person Karen loves? So Karen decided to find out more about this option. Is suicide an option? Do we realize how permanent it is? Do others - teens, children, people in depressed states REALLY think about how FINAL suicide is!?!? Do we teach them? prepare them to deal with depression and low times in life? Is there really help out there?
Karen was lucky; Fred didn't do it. I'd love to tell you this story has a great, happy ending (Hank, you know what a fan of those I am!), but it doesn't. Fred is still trying to find his way. And although emotionally he's not back where he started, he has ruled out suicide as an option and has just "dealt" with his pain and suffering. What KAREN learned, is that not everyone is as lucky as she was. Every day people lose loved ones. These people either didn't recognize the signs or their loved ones never shared their pain and suffering with those around them. The people in charge of the Out Of Darkness walk want to raise the awareness of sucide to hopefully change the statistics of suicide in the United States and through the world.
Karen realizes how lucky she was and how close she came to losing someone she loves so much. It is for this reason, she has decided to walk "for" Fred and all those who have thought about it and for those who have lost someone they loved to it. The walk will not be easy. It will be, not only physically challenging, but emotionally as well as she thinks about what her life would've been life without Fred. Please take a moment or two to check out her website and if nothing else, learn a little more about her cause.
http://homepage.bethepeople.com/display/mp_page.php?page_id=995
I hope you all are doing well! Don't forget Mother's Day is Sunday!!!! :)
See, Karen is walking 26 miles to raise money for suicide awareness. This is a cause close to Karen's heart. Karen decided to walk because a very good friend of hers, Fred, admitted to Kare he had thought about killing himself. Fred had hit a very low place in his life and felt like nothing was going right, or ever would go right.
I guess maybe we all kind of feel like that sometimes. Have you ever worked on a letter and about a paragraph or so into it decided you didn't like it, so you scrapped it and started over? With life, you can't crumple up your mistakes and throw them away. Think about those timed essays in H.S. and college. The way your "paragraph" is when you re-read it is how you are forced to work with it from then on. No erasing, no starting over. The "paragraph" you're facing may not even make sense, form sentances, or even contain words. And yet, the page you've got left to fill seems SO long, and the clock seems to be ticking SO slow. You know you can't continue with this mumbly jumbly stuff, but there's no hope anything intelligible will come into your brain. These are the instances I would pray for a fire drill, a tornado, I'd have visions of contracting some rare Asian 3 hour sickness...anything to get me out of the room, off that paper and to somewhere the answers were...or at least a something to jump start my brain so I could find a direction to move with my essay.
As human beings, we have the opportunity to end the exam all together. We can put an end to the direction our life is headed. Does it seem drastic? Yes. Does it to someone who feels like everything in there life is spiraling downward and it will never get better? No. It's a way to stop the spiral, when nothing else works. I'm sure it was hard for Fred to watch the lives of those around him seem to plateau or rise, when his was constantly spiraling.
How do we react when someone we love and care about seems like their life is valueless? Karen's reaction was anger. She was pissed! How could some she cares about and thinks the world of feel as though he was nothing? Who is HE to take away this person Karen loves? So Karen decided to find out more about this option. Is suicide an option? Do we realize how permanent it is? Do others - teens, children, people in depressed states REALLY think about how FINAL suicide is!?!? Do we teach them? prepare them to deal with depression and low times in life? Is there really help out there?
Karen was lucky; Fred didn't do it. I'd love to tell you this story has a great, happy ending (Hank, you know what a fan of those I am!), but it doesn't. Fred is still trying to find his way. And although emotionally he's not back where he started, he has ruled out suicide as an option and has just "dealt" with his pain and suffering. What KAREN learned, is that not everyone is as lucky as she was. Every day people lose loved ones. These people either didn't recognize the signs or their loved ones never shared their pain and suffering with those around them. The people in charge of the Out Of Darkness walk want to raise the awareness of sucide to hopefully change the statistics of suicide in the United States and through the world.
Karen realizes how lucky she was and how close she came to losing someone she loves so much. It is for this reason, she has decided to walk "for" Fred and all those who have thought about it and for those who have lost someone they loved to it. The walk will not be easy. It will be, not only physically challenging, but emotionally as well as she thinks about what her life would've been life without Fred. Please take a moment or two to check out her website and if nothing else, learn a little more about her cause.
http://homepage.bethepeople.com/display/mp_page.php?page_id=995
I hope you all are doing well! Don't forget Mother's Day is Sunday!!!! :)
Monday, May 06, 2002
Hi all! It's been so long I think I'm out of practice. :) Here's a little taste of life in the Jenn lane...(I'm gonna do it backwards, so some will overlap!)
Tonight I got to drive a Caddy. Pretty neat, but big as a freakin' boat. The reason I was driving a Caddy is all b/c of Dad. This past Wed. morning, Dad was in an accident. Luckily for him, not a bad one. He was pulling out of our development when I lady broadsided him. Luckily for him, he's a little sore, but no other physical damage. Unluckily for him the T-mobile sustained frame damage, driver side door damage, and a broken windshield. He's w/o a car for 3 weeks! My Uncle Ed offered Dad the use of his Caddy while his car is in the shop, so mom and I went to kidnap it this evening. I got to drive it home.
Drive home tonight wasn't good. I'll back up. Work stinks! B/c I'm so compitent they've heaped tons of work on me. The stack of forms is as tall as the height from my elbow to wrist...no exaggeration. In addition to inputting all the people attending this 800 team event, I am expected to alphabetize folders for all 50 states and International sites and then file all the forms into the appropriate folders beginning with all the papers they've already put in the computer that are just mounting up on a table, plus the ones I'm inputting. I think I might even be able to handle this, if the phone weren't ringing off the hook every six minutes with people who are teaching gifted and talented children but can't read a stupid packet to find the answers they are annoying and bothering me to find! :) Credit card forms need to be faxed, mail needs to be opened, sorted, copied, distributed, packages need to be signed for, you know...daily office stuff. Another of my daily duties is to collect the messages off the answering machine. This wouldn't be so bad except there are 20 messages each morning and since no one in our office thinks they should RETURN phone calls...guess who gets to do that?
The unorganized office manager realized I needed help, so she hired a temp (ironic, don'cha think?). Ellie, our temp has been a slight bit of help. She is older and talks incessantly.(Scott, think Dawn.) About anything and everything to anyone who walks in. Ellie and I get to work in the same room, so all day all I hear is her. She doesn't feel the need to stop talking when I , say, answer the telephone b/c it's ringing. Or when I need to ask someone who just walked in the room a question for the person on the phone. That said, I am her supervisor. So, if she needs a copy of something to be stuffed, she asks me. (I've showed her how to work the copier...doesn't matter) When she runs out of work assigned to her by Rene, she waits for me to tell her what to do (even though no one has told ME what she's supposed to do!). Ellie fell in Feb. and broke her arm, she's healing and still in therapy, so I get to hear every day how therapy is going, how her insurance isn't covering her therapy, what appeals she has to file...and best yet. How she can't do alot of things b/c of her arm. For a whopping pay of $8.50 an hour, you too could have this much fun!
I've been working overtime everyday for the last 3 or 4 days to try and catch up, but the REAL workers stay later, so I always end up further behind. Needless to say, work is not an enjoyable activity. About 5:28 tonight I got a brief pang of Neil and Christy having each other to vent to about work things and I started crying. I knew I had to leave, so I finished what I was working on and headed for home. Unfort., I couldn't stop the tears the entire 30 min home. Mom called...said my Uncle Ed was going to led my Dad a car and she and I had to go get it b/c dad wasn't feeling well and Jill didn't want to go. (Forget if I wanted to go or not.)
Another probable reason for my current weird state of mood (despite the last couple of sentances, I'm not in a bad one...kind of a detached one) is my sunburn. Jill and I accompanied Chad and Trish and their friends to a horse "race?" in Delaware yesterday. It was alot of fun. Think Buffett tailgate, but instead of Hawaiian shirts and lei's everyone was in "biff and Buffy" gear (long flowy dresses, hats; khakis and polo button downs).
Saturday was Jamie's shower. For those of you who aren't sure, Jamie is my cousin Josh's fiancee. My Aunt Jane (Josh's mom) held a brunch shower for Jamie at her house on Saturday. The food was wonderful. We had a good time. Didn't even flinch when 2 or 3 of my Aunt's relatives asked me if I was married or "serious with anyone". Jill was the hit of the day in her white capri pants with big red flowers. I loved them! and Jill has just the right figure to wear them.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were about what you'd expect from a trio that starts at 7am with "JENN! Dad's been broadsided. I was just down there. He's o.k., but a little sore. They're taking him to the hospital. The other driver said he was acting funny just before she hit him. I'm going to the hospital now." :)
Can't remember back as far as Monday and Tuesday. Guess they couldn't have been too bad then, right?
Now, on to other's news: My cousin Jeremiah was inducted into Mu something something an academic honor society for Marketing. AND he won 2 other scholarships based on academic merit. My cousin Adam doubled his current scholarship for his academic performance at Rutgers as well. (Where were those genes in my body?!?!?) Hank's son was awarded a scholarship (full ride) to get his Doctorate at U of Washington. I'm not exactly sure what his Doctorate will be in, but his thesis (blah, blah, math something) had algebra in the title and immediately my brain wandered! Just like in High School! ;)
Kare had a song made for her (o.k. well, sung for her...but the words were made up on the spot...so that's gotta count, right?) because she was so beautiful! Amy bought a new lawnmower ANd passed all her evaluations with flying colors! (Uh...I don't have confirmation on that, but I know Amy and she's a WONDERFUL 4th grade teacher so....duh.) Trish has become a Dog Show groupie (well, not yet, but we think it's in the works). Scott informed me he's got a speaker for the banquet (that means he's WAY ahead of last year! ;) ) and from all accounts gets the award for strength and hanging in there and moving on. Jeremy and Kris have dropped off the face of the Earth, but we do know that Kris' favorite Sesame Street character is Oscar, so maybe he's just buried and can't reach his keyboard! ;) I talked to Mike (Are you out there?) and even though they keep losing players left and right, the Spartans are hanging in there and will hopefully get a decent seed for the upcoming tournament in Charleston. He thinks he's on the verge of getting a Starsky to his Hutch for the Head Coaching debut this summer! Kristina has met a fellow Wake P.A. school-mate and they will be moving to either Winston of Kernersville or something soon. She starts PA school in June and will make a WONDERFUL Physician's Assistant. (And if the Spartans keep it up, they might need her full time! ;) ) Meg and Andy are happily planning for the wedding in September. Keep your fingers crossed for Andy to relocate (maybe to Greensboro - if that's where they want to be). Dan is moving to Newark sometime soon. I talked to Mark (my former boss at the Wine store). He's doing well and seems to be moving along just fine without us (even though I secretly know he misses us!). I miss them! Speaking of missing people....
....here's the latest Mav update! He's fat and doing well. He loves the fact he's got other cats to play with and that everywhere he looks there are hands to pet him. Mom and I are having a little debate about the other thing he loves...food. I think we need to make it not quite as accessible all the time as Mark, my Greensboro Vet threatened my life he Maverick gained a pound!
Well, minus the same old same old emotions, that's life from here! Hope you all are well.
Tonight I got to drive a Caddy. Pretty neat, but big as a freakin' boat. The reason I was driving a Caddy is all b/c of Dad. This past Wed. morning, Dad was in an accident. Luckily for him, not a bad one. He was pulling out of our development when I lady broadsided him. Luckily for him, he's a little sore, but no other physical damage. Unluckily for him the T-mobile sustained frame damage, driver side door damage, and a broken windshield. He's w/o a car for 3 weeks! My Uncle Ed offered Dad the use of his Caddy while his car is in the shop, so mom and I went to kidnap it this evening. I got to drive it home.
Drive home tonight wasn't good. I'll back up. Work stinks! B/c I'm so compitent they've heaped tons of work on me. The stack of forms is as tall as the height from my elbow to wrist...no exaggeration. In addition to inputting all the people attending this 800 team event, I am expected to alphabetize folders for all 50 states and International sites and then file all the forms into the appropriate folders beginning with all the papers they've already put in the computer that are just mounting up on a table, plus the ones I'm inputting. I think I might even be able to handle this, if the phone weren't ringing off the hook every six minutes with people who are teaching gifted and talented children but can't read a stupid packet to find the answers they are annoying and bothering me to find! :) Credit card forms need to be faxed, mail needs to be opened, sorted, copied, distributed, packages need to be signed for, you know...daily office stuff. Another of my daily duties is to collect the messages off the answering machine. This wouldn't be so bad except there are 20 messages each morning and since no one in our office thinks they should RETURN phone calls...guess who gets to do that?
The unorganized office manager realized I needed help, so she hired a temp (ironic, don'cha think?). Ellie, our temp has been a slight bit of help. She is older and talks incessantly.(Scott, think Dawn.) About anything and everything to anyone who walks in. Ellie and I get to work in the same room, so all day all I hear is her. She doesn't feel the need to stop talking when I , say, answer the telephone b/c it's ringing. Or when I need to ask someone who just walked in the room a question for the person on the phone. That said, I am her supervisor. So, if she needs a copy of something to be stuffed, she asks me. (I've showed her how to work the copier...doesn't matter) When she runs out of work assigned to her by Rene, she waits for me to tell her what to do (even though no one has told ME what she's supposed to do!). Ellie fell in Feb. and broke her arm, she's healing and still in therapy, so I get to hear every day how therapy is going, how her insurance isn't covering her therapy, what appeals she has to file...and best yet. How she can't do alot of things b/c of her arm. For a whopping pay of $8.50 an hour, you too could have this much fun!
I've been working overtime everyday for the last 3 or 4 days to try and catch up, but the REAL workers stay later, so I always end up further behind. Needless to say, work is not an enjoyable activity. About 5:28 tonight I got a brief pang of Neil and Christy having each other to vent to about work things and I started crying. I knew I had to leave, so I finished what I was working on and headed for home. Unfort., I couldn't stop the tears the entire 30 min home. Mom called...said my Uncle Ed was going to led my Dad a car and she and I had to go get it b/c dad wasn't feeling well and Jill didn't want to go. (Forget if I wanted to go or not.)
Another probable reason for my current weird state of mood (despite the last couple of sentances, I'm not in a bad one...kind of a detached one) is my sunburn. Jill and I accompanied Chad and Trish and their friends to a horse "race?" in Delaware yesterday. It was alot of fun. Think Buffett tailgate, but instead of Hawaiian shirts and lei's everyone was in "biff and Buffy" gear (long flowy dresses, hats; khakis and polo button downs).
Saturday was Jamie's shower. For those of you who aren't sure, Jamie is my cousin Josh's fiancee. My Aunt Jane (Josh's mom) held a brunch shower for Jamie at her house on Saturday. The food was wonderful. We had a good time. Didn't even flinch when 2 or 3 of my Aunt's relatives asked me if I was married or "serious with anyone". Jill was the hit of the day in her white capri pants with big red flowers. I loved them! and Jill has just the right figure to wear them.
Wednesday, Thursday and Friday were about what you'd expect from a trio that starts at 7am with "JENN! Dad's been broadsided. I was just down there. He's o.k., but a little sore. They're taking him to the hospital. The other driver said he was acting funny just before she hit him. I'm going to the hospital now." :)
Can't remember back as far as Monday and Tuesday. Guess they couldn't have been too bad then, right?
Now, on to other's news: My cousin Jeremiah was inducted into Mu something something an academic honor society for Marketing. AND he won 2 other scholarships based on academic merit. My cousin Adam doubled his current scholarship for his academic performance at Rutgers as well. (Where were those genes in my body?!?!?) Hank's son was awarded a scholarship (full ride) to get his Doctorate at U of Washington. I'm not exactly sure what his Doctorate will be in, but his thesis (blah, blah, math something) had algebra in the title and immediately my brain wandered! Just like in High School! ;)
Kare had a song made for her (o.k. well, sung for her...but the words were made up on the spot...so that's gotta count, right?) because she was so beautiful! Amy bought a new lawnmower ANd passed all her evaluations with flying colors! (Uh...I don't have confirmation on that, but I know Amy and she's a WONDERFUL 4th grade teacher so....duh.) Trish has become a Dog Show groupie (well, not yet, but we think it's in the works). Scott informed me he's got a speaker for the banquet (that means he's WAY ahead of last year! ;) ) and from all accounts gets the award for strength and hanging in there and moving on. Jeremy and Kris have dropped off the face of the Earth, but we do know that Kris' favorite Sesame Street character is Oscar, so maybe he's just buried and can't reach his keyboard! ;) I talked to Mike (Are you out there?) and even though they keep losing players left and right, the Spartans are hanging in there and will hopefully get a decent seed for the upcoming tournament in Charleston. He thinks he's on the verge of getting a Starsky to his Hutch for the Head Coaching debut this summer! Kristina has met a fellow Wake P.A. school-mate and they will be moving to either Winston of Kernersville or something soon. She starts PA school in June and will make a WONDERFUL Physician's Assistant. (And if the Spartans keep it up, they might need her full time! ;) ) Meg and Andy are happily planning for the wedding in September. Keep your fingers crossed for Andy to relocate (maybe to Greensboro - if that's where they want to be). Dan is moving to Newark sometime soon. I talked to Mark (my former boss at the Wine store). He's doing well and seems to be moving along just fine without us (even though I secretly know he misses us!). I miss them! Speaking of missing people....
....here's the latest Mav update! He's fat and doing well. He loves the fact he's got other cats to play with and that everywhere he looks there are hands to pet him. Mom and I are having a little debate about the other thing he loves...food. I think we need to make it not quite as accessible all the time as Mark, my Greensboro Vet threatened my life he Maverick gained a pound!
Well, minus the same old same old emotions, that's life from here! Hope you all are well.
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