To My "Little Baseball Pitcher"
At the end of my seasons, I get my little Seniors a tiny gift. It's just a little something to show them how special I think they are. I usually try and make it meaningful, but not expensive, since there are so many of them! :) The thing I value the most is the card. I spend WAY too much time at Hallmark as it is, but I try and handpick card to match my Seniors. Then I sit down, after I've unwound from my day and write to them about how wonderful they are.
I think it's important to be told how wonderful and special you are and what you mean to other people. It's something that as a society we don't do often. My College Roommate and One Of My Best Friends told me once, in the midst of unbelievable turmoil and it may just have saved my life. Going off to college is a shock and a change and the perfect time to take with you a little piece of something reminding you that in the midst of everything, someone thinks you are extremely special and loved.
Unfortunately this Spring, my Seniors got robbed. The group of Seniors finishing their seasons in the Spring were extremely special to me. It was just too hard to get my head around the fact they were leaving. I sat down and tried to think of words, but they just wouldn't come. I did my best, wrote out the cards and the year ended. While I was sitting in Atlanta at our Annual convention it occurred to me they were gone. I was so sad. I felt like I had so much I wanted to tell them, but the chance had past. People come and go, it's true, but this group, well, I just can't tell you how much fun they were to have around, to see everyday and to be a part of their lives.
My friends hear about the kids I see so much! You guys all know how much I love meeting people and getting to know them and "my kids" are all such great interesting people. I think in the race to educate and put down the youth of America we forget to ENJOY the youth of America and the fact that they are people too. The teachers who take the time to get involved (and not in some icky, "headlines in the newspaper" way) with their students are enriched by the things you learn and take in. I'm a firm believer in the notion that learning in a classroom, school, field or Athletic Training room goes both ways.
Take for example "My Little Baseball Pitcher". BJ is one of the sweetest people I've met. He came to see me today before he goes off to college. So, I decided to take some time here and "re-write" his card. Enjoy.
Dear BJ:
When I first met you two years ago, you were such a sweet goofy kid (no offense). It was my first year working in our High School and you were a Junior who came walking in during baseball season with a BIG smile on your face like you owned the place. We saw you often that Spring always for the same aches and pains. You whined a little, picked on Poor Little CJ made me reprimand you, but always left our AT Room a little lighter and happier place.
The beginning of your Senior Year and our starting Quarterback! I figured our Fall would be filled with you whining and always a little ached and pained, but you weren't. You had every reason to see us and complain, for every game you got beat to heck. You stood in there and were SO tough! Each play you'd pick yourself up with this steely resolve on your face and get back into the game. I learned that resolve came naturally to you. You do anything better than everyone else if you decide you want to do it! You also think you are right about most everything, and usually are. You would argue the color of the sky if you seriously thought it was purple and just may convince everyone around you to agree with you. You are so naturally charismatic, people just want to be in your presence and have you around.
We got a break from you during the winter. Lucky Us! :) Even though it was your "off" season, you found a way to make it to just about every Basketball game as the leader and orchestrator of the "Spirit" bench of students. A natural-born leader!
Next thing we knew, it was baseball season. In you came, lunch in tow (umm...usually French Fries. The way you eat them, is unlike anything I've ever seen and really, can't even describe it, but it will be unforgettable! :) ) for our 20 minutes of you "holding court". It was during baseball I got to see you blossom. There is something about validation of being loved that changes people. It certainly changed you. You weren't as "goofy" to get attention. You walked taller, held your head up and, heaven help us ALL, got a little more confidence in yourself.
Bri, you've got so many terrific things ahead of you in college! I worry about you getting sidetracked and lost in all the freedom college has to offer. I worry about you getting into trouble and wandering off course. I know baseball will keep you focused, but I want you to focus and do well because you've finally found a place to thrive. I hope you find things academically that challenge you and classes you enjoy taking. I wish on you Professors that inspire you to achieve,dream and (here it comes, the "p" word) achieve your enormous potential - instead of the ones in your past which seemed to set off your resolve for being right and proving them wrong. You are the type of person who was made for college. I hope you take every advantage of that.
It is hard for me to express all the great things I hope you find in your future. You are such a sweet, wonderful and caring person with the opportunity to do great things. I hope you do every single one of them. I look forward to hearing from you periodically during your college career. You are so loyal to your friends and family, so close and good at keeping in touch, I don't think this will be a problem. We are all always here if you need anything. (Even Mr. Von Leer. I think he misses you! :) )
Good Luck Brian!!!
Miss V
P.S. - you asked me when I gave you the last card if I attached my favorite quote to it. It wasn't my favorite, just one I thought was fitting for you and where you are in your life. Truth be told, all my favorite quotes are movie quotes and not really "meaningful". Here's one of my favorites (there are so many good ones) from my favorite movie: "You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!" "Lollygaggers!"
Monday, August 28, 2006
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Where oh Where Does the Time Go
I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've been on here. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, since I've fallen off the blogging wagon! :) Well, I'm back on for the moment, we'll see how it goes. This might be a total stream of consciousness blog, since I'm WAY too tired to think in a rational pattern. :)
Football started Monday and back to work I went. For whatever reason, this summer didn't ever really feel like a break. I've been stressed and don't know why. I also feel like I've been SO busy and not really doing anything. I know it's all been little things eating away at my "vacation", but nothing newsworthy. I'm enjoying being back to work, although the whining has increased two-fold over last year in my freshman team it seems. I miss some of the players from last year (Football is the only team that has started so far, so I can only comment right now on them. Everyone else begins Monday.) and am glad to see some of the returning ones.
There is one in particular I have a soft spot for and I am so happy to see him (although not happy b/c I've seen him every day the last couple because he's hurt.). I always tell Karen I'd like to find him in a 30 year-old. Today it occurred to me that the sweet, naive, innocence of him will likely be ruined by age 30, so anyone who is similar to him and my age won't REALLY be like him because they'll be hardened.
Please do not miss understand, dear readers (which may only be Aim and Kare at this point), I have no interest in HIM. I just realize the more and more I'm looking at people thinking "What do I really want in a male?" and taking bits and pieces of the things I like in my friends, family and those I'm around often and adding it to my "yes, I want that" and "no, he can't have that" list. Funny, as if I wasn't picky, picky, picky enough, now I'm adding criteria! :) I guess the main thing is knowing what you will and will not compromise or bend on and finding an idea of what you want and are looking for. Sometimes though, when I look at the things I know I like, am attracted to and want in someone I date I start to believe that male doesn't exist!
I have started thinking about dating again. Good sign I guess. Problem is I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of diving off the diving board, I keep sticking my toes in , then running out, then going in a little further and backing out. I think when I last checked in on the topic I had made the resolution to date for dating's sake and whomever asked me, because you never know. After doing this twice (and obvious NOT being able to read guy code! - Kare, did I tell you Jamie emailed me to see if I get time off over the winter? When did I get so out of being able to read them?!?!?!), I realized I like what I like. I've always been this way. Don't know why I'm surprised. I always know what I want in my head, even if I can't explain it.
Take my prom dress. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. After months of shopping for it, still hadn't found it and time was running out. I ended up settling for something close and never really liked it. Maybe I wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe I should've been more open minded. In reality, I was ahead of my time. I see my "ideal" prom dress EVERYWHERE in stores during prom season nowadays. I learned from that experience though. I know I won't be satisfied if I settle for less than I set out to find.
The problem with this is that my overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone is at direct odds with holding out to find someone I think might have over 50% of what I'm looking for. (My prom dress was black and straight. 2 of the 4 or 5 criteria I had for the dress I wanted.) Instead I keep giving false hope to guys who aren't even close to fitting my Top 5 criteria that I won't budge on.
The other problem I'm having is with me. I feel so very overweight and unattractive. I'm not sure I've ever had such self-doubt before. I think I've always had a little confidence inside, even if the self-doubt was overwhelming it. Lately, I feel as if there's none to be had or scraped from any corner of me anywhere. Perhaps it's the "crunch" time of my life. Maybe it's the desire to be loved making me overanalyze why exactly I'm not loved and just picking up on anything. Maybe it's just knowing when I look in the mirror I'm a fat girl in glasses who seems to have lost the shine in her face that used to make me say "see? I'm so pretty. Why don't they see it?" (they being males, of course. Got tons of female friends and family who say "oh please, you're pretty. They'll come around." Good advice for a fat kid.). I don't even see it anymore. Whatever in the universe that keeps trying to break me down, see how long I can hold out before completely shattering my "ego" has won. I'm spent! :) If only I could find some willpower to lose some weight. I'm convinced between that and the glasses I could be pretty again. It seems so paradoxical to me to be turning down dated because they're not everything I want them to be (and yes, I'm shallow. I know it and actually hate to admit it, but looks and instant attraction are HUGE on my Top 5 criteria!)- as if I were too good for them and yet in almost the same breath think I'm a fat, ugly girl lately. Even I don't understand it and I struggle with it daily. I think I should hold out for the Abercrombie-esque man, yet how do I think I deserve that being a fat girl? Maybe there is some esteem left in there somewhere. Where does the reality (of the fat, lately-unattractivness) come to head with fantasy (that said boy will be attracted to me and maybe I should settle for those who are interested in me because I have a WAY warped view of what's "in my league")?
Spent the day with my grandmother today. (Well, after work.) I took them on Thursday, when we had a half-day, to see my grandfather's sister's husband. The nurses at the assisted living facility says he has a few months left to live at the most. I've spent alot of my summer with my grandparents and some days visiting mom's Uncle Ray in the hospital and living facility. Uncle Ray is one of my favorites and it will be almost as hard as losing my grandfather when he passes. He always has a kind word for everyone, makes you feel special and has the BEST sense of humor. I think I wrote about him earlier, telling you all about how he and my grandfather's sister, Lib, met in church when they were 14. They've been together ever since and are 87 this year! Despite his frail condition and inability to talk above a whisper or for any length of time, he has kept his personality in check. I don't stay visiting him for long now, as he sleeps alot and it's taxing on him to talk to his visitors. I treat each visit as if it were our last.
I have spent alot of this summer with my grandparents. Every year that passes I'm so thankful to have them around. I realize how much I'll miss them when I go and that our time together is limited. There are days, and have been many this summer, where I get upset that I (and my cousin John) are the only cousins who set aside chunks of time in our day to visit them. Being houseridden (as my grandfather doesn't drive much anymore) they LOVE to have company. I know it's quasi-selfish, but if my other cousins could all come on a set day, they could have a different visitor every day and I wouldn't have to feel the need to go every day. I don't mean it to sound as if I don't want to go, but every once in a while it would be nice to know I could spend the day doing stuff for me, or coming home on my half-day and not feel guilty for them sitting in an empty house with no company. My feelings on the matter are alot more complicated and back-and-forth than that, but there's the gist. It does do my spirit wonders everytime I am there and whenever I need a "recharge" they are great for that as well, so perhaps I am making it sound as though I get nothing out of my visits, when in fact the rewards are many.
For those of you who don't know, I am buying my grandparents house. Again, somehow my first thoughts weren't selfish ones, but the were lingering. I knew I was the only cousin in a position to buy the house and I knew my grandmother hoped with all her heart it would stay in the family. She and my grandfather have been persuaded to move in with my Uncle (after some rebuilding to his house) and it eases her mind and made the persuasion easier knowing I was getting her house. It also helps me because it's a great house, in a nice area, at a price I can afford. I may begin to live as an adult and not a high school student again. The closing date for the mortgage is set for October, but that may change. So, I've been stressing about the money crunch all summer as I've watched my bank account dwindle for the expense of being unemployed for 2 months. For those who knew me in college, I very often have the urge to scream and cry for feeling backed into a corner with no way out or at least one in sight. I try to push it to the back of my mind and since the construction phase of this "moving out" plan is going so slowly, I've tried to de-stress and feel perhaps I've bought some "saving money" time.
I believe, dear readers, this is everything. Thirty-one and I are struggling to see eye-to-eye. I still feel everyday as if I have the whole world and polenty of time to make all my dreams come true, when in fact I know the "clock" is ticking. As the birthday approached, all the wasted years and poor decisions came flooding back and the "waht-ifs" resounded loundly in my head. The faith of a plan is waining (as you probably could tell from the length and depressing sounding nature of this email - I'm not really as depressed as it sounds. Just overwhlemed)and without faith, what is left? As sleep throws it's lovely veil of black over my eyes (finally! Preseason is terribly draining, but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!) I'll leave you with this deep, existensial thought: I want with all my heart to place my life in the hands of God knowing he has a plan and everything will turn out and fulfill the desires and nature he has bestowed upon me. What I dread is somewhere in the unknown, "something" is looking at me lay my life in the hands of a deity "something" knows does not exist, watches me throw my life, hopes and dreams to the wind and is saying "SUCKER!". What I want is complete faith and it is exactly what I lack.
Football started Monday and back to work I went. For whatever reason, this summer didn't ever really feel like a break. I've been stressed and don't know why. I also feel like I've been SO busy and not really doing anything. I know it's all been little things eating away at my "vacation", but nothing newsworthy. I'm enjoying being back to work, although the whining has increased two-fold over last year in my freshman team it seems. I miss some of the players from last year (Football is the only team that has started so far, so I can only comment right now on them. Everyone else begins Monday.) and am glad to see some of the returning ones.
There is one in particular I have a soft spot for and I am so happy to see him (although not happy b/c I've seen him every day the last couple because he's hurt.). I always tell Karen I'd like to find him in a 30 year-old. Today it occurred to me that the sweet, naive, innocence of him will likely be ruined by age 30, so anyone who is similar to him and my age won't REALLY be like him because they'll be hardened.
Please do not miss understand, dear readers (which may only be Aim and Kare at this point), I have no interest in HIM. I just realize the more and more I'm looking at people thinking "What do I really want in a male?" and taking bits and pieces of the things I like in my friends, family and those I'm around often and adding it to my "yes, I want that" and "no, he can't have that" list. Funny, as if I wasn't picky, picky, picky enough, now I'm adding criteria! :) I guess the main thing is knowing what you will and will not compromise or bend on and finding an idea of what you want and are looking for. Sometimes though, when I look at the things I know I like, am attracted to and want in someone I date I start to believe that male doesn't exist!
I have started thinking about dating again. Good sign I guess. Problem is I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of diving off the diving board, I keep sticking my toes in , then running out, then going in a little further and backing out. I think when I last checked in on the topic I had made the resolution to date for dating's sake and whomever asked me, because you never know. After doing this twice (and obvious NOT being able to read guy code! - Kare, did I tell you Jamie emailed me to see if I get time off over the winter? When did I get so out of being able to read them?!?!?!), I realized I like what I like. I've always been this way. Don't know why I'm surprised. I always know what I want in my head, even if I can't explain it.
Take my prom dress. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. After months of shopping for it, still hadn't found it and time was running out. I ended up settling for something close and never really liked it. Maybe I wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe I should've been more open minded. In reality, I was ahead of my time. I see my "ideal" prom dress EVERYWHERE in stores during prom season nowadays. I learned from that experience though. I know I won't be satisfied if I settle for less than I set out to find.
The problem with this is that my overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone is at direct odds with holding out to find someone I think might have over 50% of what I'm looking for. (My prom dress was black and straight. 2 of the 4 or 5 criteria I had for the dress I wanted.) Instead I keep giving false hope to guys who aren't even close to fitting my Top 5 criteria that I won't budge on.
The other problem I'm having is with me. I feel so very overweight and unattractive. I'm not sure I've ever had such self-doubt before. I think I've always had a little confidence inside, even if the self-doubt was overwhelming it. Lately, I feel as if there's none to be had or scraped from any corner of me anywhere. Perhaps it's the "crunch" time of my life. Maybe it's the desire to be loved making me overanalyze why exactly I'm not loved and just picking up on anything. Maybe it's just knowing when I look in the mirror I'm a fat girl in glasses who seems to have lost the shine in her face that used to make me say "see? I'm so pretty. Why don't they see it?" (they being males, of course. Got tons of female friends and family who say "oh please, you're pretty. They'll come around." Good advice for a fat kid.). I don't even see it anymore. Whatever in the universe that keeps trying to break me down, see how long I can hold out before completely shattering my "ego" has won. I'm spent! :) If only I could find some willpower to lose some weight. I'm convinced between that and the glasses I could be pretty again. It seems so paradoxical to me to be turning down dated because they're not everything I want them to be (and yes, I'm shallow. I know it and actually hate to admit it, but looks and instant attraction are HUGE on my Top 5 criteria!)- as if I were too good for them and yet in almost the same breath think I'm a fat, ugly girl lately. Even I don't understand it and I struggle with it daily. I think I should hold out for the Abercrombie-esque man, yet how do I think I deserve that being a fat girl? Maybe there is some esteem left in there somewhere. Where does the reality (of the fat, lately-unattractivness) come to head with fantasy (that said boy will be attracted to me and maybe I should settle for those who are interested in me because I have a WAY warped view of what's "in my league")?
Spent the day with my grandmother today. (Well, after work.) I took them on Thursday, when we had a half-day, to see my grandfather's sister's husband. The nurses at the assisted living facility says he has a few months left to live at the most. I've spent alot of my summer with my grandparents and some days visiting mom's Uncle Ray in the hospital and living facility. Uncle Ray is one of my favorites and it will be almost as hard as losing my grandfather when he passes. He always has a kind word for everyone, makes you feel special and has the BEST sense of humor. I think I wrote about him earlier, telling you all about how he and my grandfather's sister, Lib, met in church when they were 14. They've been together ever since and are 87 this year! Despite his frail condition and inability to talk above a whisper or for any length of time, he has kept his personality in check. I don't stay visiting him for long now, as he sleeps alot and it's taxing on him to talk to his visitors. I treat each visit as if it were our last.
I have spent alot of this summer with my grandparents. Every year that passes I'm so thankful to have them around. I realize how much I'll miss them when I go and that our time together is limited. There are days, and have been many this summer, where I get upset that I (and my cousin John) are the only cousins who set aside chunks of time in our day to visit them. Being houseridden (as my grandfather doesn't drive much anymore) they LOVE to have company. I know it's quasi-selfish, but if my other cousins could all come on a set day, they could have a different visitor every day and I wouldn't have to feel the need to go every day. I don't mean it to sound as if I don't want to go, but every once in a while it would be nice to know I could spend the day doing stuff for me, or coming home on my half-day and not feel guilty for them sitting in an empty house with no company. My feelings on the matter are alot more complicated and back-and-forth than that, but there's the gist. It does do my spirit wonders everytime I am there and whenever I need a "recharge" they are great for that as well, so perhaps I am making it sound as though I get nothing out of my visits, when in fact the rewards are many.
For those of you who don't know, I am buying my grandparents house. Again, somehow my first thoughts weren't selfish ones, but the were lingering. I knew I was the only cousin in a position to buy the house and I knew my grandmother hoped with all her heart it would stay in the family. She and my grandfather have been persuaded to move in with my Uncle (after some rebuilding to his house) and it eases her mind and made the persuasion easier knowing I was getting her house. It also helps me because it's a great house, in a nice area, at a price I can afford. I may begin to live as an adult and not a high school student again. The closing date for the mortgage is set for October, but that may change. So, I've been stressing about the money crunch all summer as I've watched my bank account dwindle for the expense of being unemployed for 2 months. For those who knew me in college, I very often have the urge to scream and cry for feeling backed into a corner with no way out or at least one in sight. I try to push it to the back of my mind and since the construction phase of this "moving out" plan is going so slowly, I've tried to de-stress and feel perhaps I've bought some "saving money" time.
I believe, dear readers, this is everything. Thirty-one and I are struggling to see eye-to-eye. I still feel everyday as if I have the whole world and polenty of time to make all my dreams come true, when in fact I know the "clock" is ticking. As the birthday approached, all the wasted years and poor decisions came flooding back and the "waht-ifs" resounded loundly in my head. The faith of a plan is waining (as you probably could tell from the length and depressing sounding nature of this email - I'm not really as depressed as it sounds. Just overwhlemed)and without faith, what is left? As sleep throws it's lovely veil of black over my eyes (finally! Preseason is terribly draining, but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!) I'll leave you with this deep, existensial thought: I want with all my heart to place my life in the hands of God knowing he has a plan and everything will turn out and fulfill the desires and nature he has bestowed upon me. What I dread is somewhere in the unknown, "something" is looking at me lay my life in the hands of a deity "something" knows does not exist, watches me throw my life, hopes and dreams to the wind and is saying "SUCKER!". What I want is complete faith and it is exactly what I lack.
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