Where oh Where Does the Time Go

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've been on here. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, since I've fallen off the blogging wagon! :) Well, I'm back on for the moment, we'll see how it goes. This might be a total stream of consciousness blog, since I'm WAY too tired to think in a rational pattern. :)

Football started Monday and back to work I went. For whatever reason, this summer didn't ever really feel like a break. I've been stressed and don't know why. I also feel like I've been SO busy and not really doing anything. I know it's all been little things eating away at my "vacation", but nothing newsworthy. I'm enjoying being back to work, although the whining has increased two-fold over last year in my freshman team it seems. I miss some of the players from last year (Football is the only team that has started so far, so I can only comment right now on them. Everyone else begins Monday.) and am glad to see some of the returning ones.

There is one in particular I have a soft spot for and I am so happy to see him (although not happy b/c I've seen him every day the last couple because he's hurt.). I always tell Karen I'd like to find him in a 30 year-old. Today it occurred to me that the sweet, naive, innocence of him will likely be ruined by age 30, so anyone who is similar to him and my age won't REALLY be like him because they'll be hardened.

Please do not miss understand, dear readers (which may only be Aim and Kare at this point), I have no interest in HIM. I just realize the more and more I'm looking at people thinking "What do I really want in a male?" and taking bits and pieces of the things I like in my friends, family and those I'm around often and adding it to my "yes, I want that" and "no, he can't have that" list. Funny, as if I wasn't picky, picky, picky enough, now I'm adding criteria! :) I guess the main thing is knowing what you will and will not compromise or bend on and finding an idea of what you want and are looking for. Sometimes though, when I look at the things I know I like, am attracted to and want in someone I date I start to believe that male doesn't exist!

I have started thinking about dating again. Good sign I guess. Problem is I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of diving off the diving board, I keep sticking my toes in , then running out, then going in a little further and backing out. I think when I last checked in on the topic I had made the resolution to date for dating's sake and whomever asked me, because you never know. After doing this twice (and obvious NOT being able to read guy code! - Kare, did I tell you Jamie emailed me to see if I get time off over the winter? When did I get so out of being able to read them?!?!?!), I realized I like what I like. I've always been this way. Don't know why I'm surprised. I always know what I want in my head, even if I can't explain it.

Take my prom dress. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. After months of shopping for it, still hadn't found it and time was running out. I ended up settling for something close and never really liked it. Maybe I wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe I should've been more open minded. In reality, I was ahead of my time. I see my "ideal" prom dress EVERYWHERE in stores during prom season nowadays. I learned from that experience though. I know I won't be satisfied if I settle for less than I set out to find.

The problem with this is that my overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone is at direct odds with holding out to find someone I think might have over 50% of what I'm looking for. (My prom dress was black and straight. 2 of the 4 or 5 criteria I had for the dress I wanted.) Instead I keep giving false hope to guys who aren't even close to fitting my Top 5 criteria that I won't budge on.

The other problem I'm having is with me. I feel so very overweight and unattractive. I'm not sure I've ever had such self-doubt before. I think I've always had a little confidence inside, even if the self-doubt was overwhelming it. Lately, I feel as if there's none to be had or scraped from any corner of me anywhere. Perhaps it's the "crunch" time of my life. Maybe it's the desire to be loved making me overanalyze why exactly I'm not loved and just picking up on anything. Maybe it's just knowing when I look in the mirror I'm a fat girl in glasses who seems to have lost the shine in her face that used to make me say "see? I'm so pretty. Why don't they see it?" (they being males, of course. Got tons of female friends and family who say "oh please, you're pretty. They'll come around." Good advice for a fat kid.). I don't even see it anymore. Whatever in the universe that keeps trying to break me down, see how long I can hold out before completely shattering my "ego" has won. I'm spent! :) If only I could find some willpower to lose some weight. I'm convinced between that and the glasses I could be pretty again. It seems so paradoxical to me to be turning down dated because they're not everything I want them to be (and yes, I'm shallow. I know it and actually hate to admit it, but looks and instant attraction are HUGE on my Top 5 criteria!)- as if I were too good for them and yet in almost the same breath think I'm a fat, ugly girl lately. Even I don't understand it and I struggle with it daily. I think I should hold out for the Abercrombie-esque man, yet how do I think I deserve that being a fat girl? Maybe there is some esteem left in there somewhere. Where does the reality (of the fat, lately-unattractivness) come to head with fantasy (that said boy will be attracted to me and maybe I should settle for those who are interested in me because I have a WAY warped view of what's "in my league")?

Spent the day with my grandmother today. (Well, after work.) I took them on Thursday, when we had a half-day, to see my grandfather's sister's husband. The nurses at the assisted living facility says he has a few months left to live at the most. I've spent alot of my summer with my grandparents and some days visiting mom's Uncle Ray in the hospital and living facility. Uncle Ray is one of my favorites and it will be almost as hard as losing my grandfather when he passes. He always has a kind word for everyone, makes you feel special and has the BEST sense of humor. I think I wrote about him earlier, telling you all about how he and my grandfather's sister, Lib, met in church when they were 14. They've been together ever since and are 87 this year! Despite his frail condition and inability to talk above a whisper or for any length of time, he has kept his personality in check. I don't stay visiting him for long now, as he sleeps alot and it's taxing on him to talk to his visitors. I treat each visit as if it were our last.

I have spent alot of this summer with my grandparents. Every year that passes I'm so thankful to have them around. I realize how much I'll miss them when I go and that our time together is limited. There are days, and have been many this summer, where I get upset that I (and my cousin John) are the only cousins who set aside chunks of time in our day to visit them. Being houseridden (as my grandfather doesn't drive much anymore) they LOVE to have company. I know it's quasi-selfish, but if my other cousins could all come on a set day, they could have a different visitor every day and I wouldn't have to feel the need to go every day. I don't mean it to sound as if I don't want to go, but every once in a while it would be nice to know I could spend the day doing stuff for me, or coming home on my half-day and not feel guilty for them sitting in an empty house with no company. My feelings on the matter are alot more complicated and back-and-forth than that, but there's the gist. It does do my spirit wonders everytime I am there and whenever I need a "recharge" they are great for that as well, so perhaps I am making it sound as though I get nothing out of my visits, when in fact the rewards are many.

For those of you who don't know, I am buying my grandparents house. Again, somehow my first thoughts weren't selfish ones, but the were lingering. I knew I was the only cousin in a position to buy the house and I knew my grandmother hoped with all her heart it would stay in the family. She and my grandfather have been persuaded to move in with my Uncle (after some rebuilding to his house) and it eases her mind and made the persuasion easier knowing I was getting her house. It also helps me because it's a great house, in a nice area, at a price I can afford. I may begin to live as an adult and not a high school student again. The closing date for the mortgage is set for October, but that may change. So, I've been stressing about the money crunch all summer as I've watched my bank account dwindle for the expense of being unemployed for 2 months. For those who knew me in college, I very often have the urge to scream and cry for feeling backed into a corner with no way out or at least one in sight. I try to push it to the back of my mind and since the construction phase of this "moving out" plan is going so slowly, I've tried to de-stress and feel perhaps I've bought some "saving money" time.

I believe, dear readers, this is everything. Thirty-one and I are struggling to see eye-to-eye. I still feel everyday as if I have the whole world and polenty of time to make all my dreams come true, when in fact I know the "clock" is ticking. As the birthday approached, all the wasted years and poor decisions came flooding back and the "waht-ifs" resounded loundly in my head. The faith of a plan is waining (as you probably could tell from the length and depressing sounding nature of this email - I'm not really as depressed as it sounds. Just overwhlemed)and without faith, what is left? As sleep throws it's lovely veil of black over my eyes (finally! Preseason is terribly draining, but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!) I'll leave you with this deep, existensial thought: I want with all my heart to place my life in the hands of God knowing he has a plan and everything will turn out and fulfill the desires and nature he has bestowed upon me. What I dread is somewhere in the unknown, "something" is looking at me lay my life in the hands of a deity "something" knows does not exist, watches me throw my life, hopes and dreams to the wind and is saying "SUCKER!". What I want is complete faith and it is exactly what I lack.