He-l-l-lo There!

I'm a little punchy today, so who knows where this blog will end up.

Is it me, or is everyone experiencing horrible allergy things the last week or so? Mine have been awful!

I watched the Emmy's last night (I figured I'd catch The Sopranos on re-run either tonight or tomorrow). I LOVED Oprah's speech and it was so sweet watching Stedman try not to cry watching her! I was VERY upset Six Feet Under didn't win anything, but thought it was pretty cool that Aaron Sorkin acknowledged the writing in that show. Speaking of shows, I'm in terrible conflict with the new season of shows starting. some of the new ones look SO good, but they conflict with other ones I already watch! Hmm...guess I'll have to practice my remote control skills until I weed out a "do-able" schedule. :)

Things with Phyl are going well. I'm scheduled to see her today. Can't say things feel much better, but maybe less severe (or prominent). However, I am on some kind of reading marathon! Phyl lets me borrow all sorts of books. so, so far I've read most of the ones written by Jonathan Kellerman and am moving on to about 16 others she's given me. If you don't hear from me, it's probably b/c I'm off in a book somewhere. :) I also just heard there's a supposed rival to Harry Potter that's hit the U.S. called The Thief Lord. aybe, if nothing else, it will provoke J.K. to finish the 5th one already!

Football seemed a little better this week, but really Hank...where ARE you getting your inside advice? Stock market scandals spilling over into football? If so, let me know how I can get some inside info too! :) I need the help! :)

Last, but not least, I may be giving my 2 week notice today. Thursday was an AWFUL day and it just "broke the camel's back" of many awful days which preceeded. I spoke to Charlie about it and he (finally) informed me they will be hiring someone full time slated to begin in November when Michele leaves. I could stay until then, but I'm tried and figure even temping I could make about the same money, work more hours, and have LOTS less stress and frustration! I just don't know I can hold out here until November knowing I'll be out of a job and dealing with the crap here. I may think about it until tomorrow...but I doubt it.

I hope you all are doing well.

Hey All!

Well, between a bad day of football picks and The Sopranos premiere I thought I'd write to ya'll and say Hi! There's so many things I've been wanting to write about, but this last week has been really hectic. Michele is on vacation, so I've been working full-time and swamped while I was doing it! The job was a little better working and consulting on stuff in the office.. Especially when I knew I could come in the next day and finish what I didn't get done.

This past week also I began seeing a therapist to help me deal with some stuff that my beloved website hasn't helped with lately. More of the same stuff...not sleeping, crying, Neil stuff...the usual. Even the long days at work and hour sessions at the gym haven't really helped knock me out! I think Phyl will really be helpful. I know most of you are happy to hear about her. In any case, I still can't seem to shake him. I still miss him awful and even though I'm regaining a little of my interests back, I still wish every day that he were here to share them with me. I still refuse to believe he loves her, refuse to believe he's happy with her (content maybe,but not happy), refuse to think he enjoys himself and the things they do together as much as he enjoyed doing things with me (she just doesn't enjoy things like the Dollar Store and Wings and Beer), and hope everyday he misses me as much as I miss him.

In any case, I ventured out last night with Trish for Chad (her boyfriend)'s birthday. It's always hard for me to be around couples, given Neil. The fact that Trish and Chad broke up a year ago as Neil and I were drifting apart and are back together makes it hard for me sometimes. The fact they are SO perfect together makes it almost disappear sometimes. But last night, talking to Chad's friends about the whole thing stirred up feelings I didn't even really know I had qnd some I wish I didn't. Trish and Chad are wonderful together. Going out with them reminds me often of how Neil and I were when we went out with friends. Not that it's a bad thing. It re-affirms my belief that he really did love me once. When I start getting down about being such a fool, believing he cared me and how could I be so stupid to see things that apparently weren't there - I see Trish and Chad and realize that those little looks between people, the touches, combined with the ease of just being together don't just happen without that strong emotion behind them. But, it does always evoke the wonder of how you could just walk away from it b/c it gets hard and never look back. I don't know I'll ever understand that if as long as I live.

While we were out, we ran into Jeremy Roenick. I'm sure I don't need to explain him, but just in case, he's the Captain (at least in my mind) for the Philadelphia Flyers ice hockey team. And my absolute favorite. More for the fact he hustles and shows such obvious passion and love of the game. My favorite moment was when he was hurt, standing at the glass along the boards, cheering and yelling and jumping up and down with such intensity. Like the fan who sits in the stands (or at home) and yells and screams hoping his team hears him and starts playing with all the fevor of their yelling. In any case, if the guys at our table hadn't pointed him out, I never would've even looked twice at him. A little scruffy, sporting the early 80's hair (you know, a little long in the back so it starts to curl up? Still classifies as a mullet, but just barely? :) ), and looking a little stocky and not as tall as I pictured him. But, I could really tell it was him as he walked by our table on the way to the bathroom. And, of course, "that guy" was at our table, so he stopped Jeremy, said something about the Stanley Cup this year and let Jeremy continue on the the bathroom. I was a bit embarrassed (I'm sure he's used to it, but still...on a night out with the guys, I'm sure you just want to hang out with the guys) and uncomfortable and a bit jealous I couldn't be the one shaking his hand. I know I don't exactly hob-nob with the rich and fomous, but I know (either first hand or by proxy) a couple star athletes and have met them once or twice. And you can't help but star-gaze. I don't know if they ever get used to it. I'm sure they were once the star-gazers, instead of the gazed at...and even these guys have to have idols.

Well, it's time to get ready for The Sopranos premiere. It's funny to watch now that I live home, b/c the way they talk is what I hear every day. Sometimes it's like you're living in an episode! :) I hope you all are doing well (Hank, no ESP next week, o.k.?). I'll be back on a normal schedule next week, so hopefully, I'll be able to write more! :) Night!

Hi Guys!

Well, the wedding went of without a hitch...well, unless you count the Rev. messing up a few words in the Lord's Prayer a hitch! :)

I was thinking on the 7.5 hour ride home about the wedding. Meg's wedding had just about restored my faith in people. Karen has been saying that since her walk she has taken on the attitude that people, in general are good. (Did I get that right, Kare?) The wedding consisted of all couples with the exception of some young ones here and there, Meg's mom, grandmother, and I. The other bridesmaids and various family on both sides made a great effort to see that I was included in everything (dancing, conversations, etc.)and never alone. Also, to see everyone pitch in and care for someone who was not feeling well, when they could've all figured someone else was taking care of them and focused on themselves was a great reassurance in the nature of people. These simple acts of kindness for a "stranger" and "aquaintance" found me thinking to myself that people were innately good. All weekend I found myself going out of my way for others and wanted to do nice things for the people around me. This hasn't been the case in a long time.

I called Trish on my way home to make the time fly and to find out all about her weekend, since it'd been a few days since we'd talked (and the last time was all about American Idol! :) ). It turns out, her weekend had the opposite effect. Two of her "friends" had invited her to a party, then invited someone they knew she couldn't stand, and informed her of this about 5 minutes before the other person was to show up and informed her in front of everyone else there - "You don't mind they're coming, do you?". If for no other reason than a "how dare you do that to my friend" one, I was livid. do people really do things like this? Stir up drama and make friends uncomfortable?

This morning, I received an email from Neil. I had sent him a little card for his b-day (late as it was, but on principle, since we'd been "discussing" it) as well as a few trinkets. The email I received said, "Thanks for my package. It was thoughtful". I was hurt. Thoughtful? Don't you reserve that word for Thank you notes, condolence cards and out-of-the-blue surprises from co-workers and aquaintances? At least he acknolwedged the receiveing of it, but probably only because I forwarded something to him. But thoughtful? I know I am still holding on; and I know he doesn't care about me anymore, but he did. (Trust me on this one. Even if he never admits it, the eyes and my intuition DO NOT lie) Even for someone you "have good conversations with" ('cuz now I can't even be a friend label), isn't thoughtful a bit cold and formal?

So, why does it take alot of acts to build up faith and only one or two to diminish it?

Is faith like dieting? Does it take alot of effort and work to keep faithlessness away, but only one little deviation to gain it back? It is interesting to me this topic is sprouting in my mind so close to September 11th. In one swooping 2 hour act (or acts) of terrorism, an entire country regained it's faith in itself. And in others. I am reminded of the city in Canada that took in 3 times its population in order to help those stranded out of their homeland. They fed, clothed, and housed those who were stranded; grieved with those who had lost; and band together to do whatever necessary to ease the burden carried by another person. In the U.S. cities and entire states came together to raise money, collect supplies, and everyone wanted to help somehow. An entire country was effected by the attacks on two cities. The thing that always upset me about these attacks (above the obvious) is that it took the lives of approx. 3,000 people to get one human to reach out to another in a time of need.

Shouldn't we always be there for one another? Shouldn't we always consider our brother (so to speak) before we act? Isn't considering your actions before doing them to examine the effects on others appropriate? Living life today like there is no tomorrow. Always sharing with others and caring about them; telling your loved ones they are loved; skipping formalities when talking to friends in order to be part of their lives; softening during "stupid" fights to preserve the relationship.

How can we hold onto faith, when there's so little around us everyday? How can we believe in ourselves when no one else seems to believe in us? How can we reverse the "norm" to make the faith in others easy to hold on to and the faithlessness work and effort?

Hi All! Last night I was straightening up my room and I came across a Rubbermaid container under my bed that contained lots of stuff I had packed when I left SSU to move home for my interneship Spring of junior year. It was a great stroll down memory lane, cummulated by a bundle of cards and notes and things Ryan sent me long ago. His words still make me cry and bring a smile to my face. Anyway, I found a "fake" happy list and decided to share it with ya'll. It's a list of song quotes by someone who reads this (and I'm hoping she knows all the answers, 'cuz I don't! :) ). the first 13 are hers, the end ones are mine. Enjoy! (I'll post the answers I have...and any I might get that are correct in a later blog! :) )

1. you're my favorite thing, favorite thing to do
2. she has trouble acting normal when she's nervous.
3. Everytime she sneezes I believe it's love
4. when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush
5. learn to pretend there's more than love that matters
6. the more I know, the less I understand (Where's Erin when you need her?!?!?)
7. Falling in love - catching fire - I wanna be consumed
8. I'll hang and swap cliches all night, but I'm not in love with you
9. Ectasy ain't free, but compromise is chance...
10. If I had an hourglass, I'd save the grains of time I've spent with you
11. Been around the world a million times, and all you men are slime...
12. Truth is not kind, and you said neither am I
13. I don't believe you're leaving 'cuz me and Charles Mason like the same ice cream. I think it's that girl.
14. You say I'm a dreamer, we're two of a kind. Both of us searching for some perfect world we know we'll never find
15. but when I don't get your call, I go into withdrawl. You consume every thought, but if you called me I would tell you to **** off.
16. Had it been another day, I might have looked the other way...but as it is I'll dream of her tonight
17. I know they say if you don't come back again, then it's meant to be. Those words don't pull me through, cuz I'm still in love with u
18. I will show you you're so much better than you know .when you're lost and you're alone and you can get back again I will find u
darling and I will bring you home
19. and when I'm gloomy, please listen to me. til it's all, all talked away.
20. For this last one...here's just the verses (not the chorus) of one I listen to alot lately

thought i knew my mind
like the back of my hand
the gold and the rainbow
but nothing panned out as i planned
and they say only milk and honey's
gonna make your soul satisfied
well i better learn how to swim
cause the crossing is chilly and wide

twisted guardrails on the highway
broken glass on the cement
a ghost of someone's tragedy
how recklessly my time has been spent
they say that it's never too late
but you don't, you don't get any younger
well i better learn how to starve the emptiness
and feed the hunger

and there's always retrospect
(when you're looking back)
to light a clearer path
every five years or so i look back on my life
and i have a good laugh
you start at the top
go full circle round
catch a breeze
take a spill
but ending up where i started again
makes me wanna stand still
stepping on a crack
breaking up and looking back
til every tree limb overhead just seems to sit and wait
til every step you take becomes a twist of fate


Enjoy!

The rain is a strange phenomenon. I understand the actuality of it - dust particles in the clouds which accumulate moisture, etc. etc. until they're saturated and release the moisture onto the Earth. But the parts of it I don't understand are the physiological and emotional aspects rain creates. Why is it rainy days cause aching muscles, joints, and emotions?

Today has been a day full of what-ifs and coulda-shoulda-woulda. I was reading a book about a Psychologist who helps sovle murder cases and I began thinking...I wonder what would've happened had I stayed at Salisbury and finished my Psych degree? Just that one little question led to infinite possibilities. If I had stayed, it would've meant one more year (or at least a semester) in Salisbury. Then maybe on to a Master's degree. Who knows where I could've ended up.

I began contemplating a conversation Mike and I had in June of last year. We were on our way home from a whirlwind Northeast Randy Wolf tour :) and began a conversation about chosen paths. Mike believes (the general gist) life is just one big choose-your-own adventure book. Perhaps, there are major crossroads in our lives we are meant to reach, but how we get there is up to us. Would I have ended up in Greensboro eventually anyway? Or maybe wherever I am about to end up I would've ended up there sooner had I taken a "faster" route. Or...maybe this IS the fast route. (Heaven help me if it is!!)

I often wonder if Neil was a major crossroad, or just a consequence of taking the "road less traveled by". Was I detined to meet him no matter what page I turned to? Or was he one of those "extra" pages you get when you take a certain path before you reach the way the story ends? (And if he's an extra page, how come he keeps showing up on consequent pages? Maybe it's me and I keep making him appear there, or maybe there's a reason. I've always been told I overanalyze things. Can you see it? ;) ) Or maybe he is how the story ends, whatever ending that might be.

i've been wondering about the things on the way. The things I would've missed. And some of them, I definatly (i hate spelling that word) could have done without. I could've done without the "character building" rumors during my time in the training room. Or my dealings with Chris, Bridget, James and Christy. but, I would've missed meeting some wonderful people - like Mike, Kristina, Mark and his family, Dan and his, Jack and Diane and their respective families, and countless other athletes I met and think about often...wondering how their lives are and what they're doing now. Does what I could have done without override what I would have missed?

There are many points I looked at today (my poor little mind has been busy) and over the last couple of months and wondered the same types of things. What if I hadn't gone to Salisbury? (This is really never an option question, b/c I never felt like this was much of a decision. I didn't have much help finding colleges and once I saw SSU, I liked it. I felt at home. I never question this decision when playing "what-if" with my life) *What if I had quit athletic training my sophmore year to concentrate on Psych. like I wanted to? *What if I had married Ryan and my life played out as he had it planned? I would've gotten a job as a high school athletic trainer while Ryan went to Grad school at Rowan or in Philly somewhere. We would've lived in Pitman (his hometown and about 35-40 minutes from Marlton) and eventually had two or three kids. I'm sure I would've been happy. As they say, Ignorance is bliss. I never would have known better and so life would be blissful. What if I hadn't let myself get involved with Neil? I could have just followed my gut instinct (esp. knowing what I did about him) and avoided him b/c he was my ex-rommate's ex-boyfriend. We could have remained friends, or just drifted apart after she moved away. What if I had waited to register for my first semester Grad School classes until I met with my actual advisor? Would I still have had to drop nutrition, and thus change degrees, ending up doing an internship with Scott and staying in GSO another year to be with Neil, meet Mike, and work for Mark? is there anyway to tell which are the big crossroads and which are side ones?

The two I've marked with astriks are the big ones for me lately. What would life be like if I had a background to do something? If my resume looked...well, genereally resume-able. If my educational background looked on paper as if it would be transferrable to business and life "in the real world"? And what about if it didn't? If the real world I knew was training, kids, and my husband? (Um...and in-laws. Knowing them, they'd be there all the time! :) ) What if at 27 I really had the life I've always wanted?

A friend of mine is going through a rough time. Family stuff. She's a strong woman, very self-reliant and as we are reluctant to "ask" for help. Even with our closest friends it's hard sometimes to open up and risk the feeling like a burden, especially when our friends lives aren't so great themselves. At the time when she needs him most, her boyfriend is right by her side. He's starting to learn (took alot of training and heartbreak on both their parts, but they've got it pretty worked out.). He knows that sometimes all she needs is for him to be there. Not to have answers or even say anything at all, but just to hug her, or put his arms around her, or make her tea and tuck her into bed. Friends are the best, we tell them everything (sometimes more than they EVER wanted to know!), but having that one person on whom you can completely let your guard down is rare. Most of the time (and I'm not saying always) for women, it is men. More than they know, they are our touch stone. Just that little hug - the gesture of security and being taken care of - rejuvinates us to carry on; to remain strong. It helps to know that we can rely on them without saying a word or feeling like a burden to them. (Historically, we as women feel the need to take care of everyone. To nurture them and take away their pain without ever revealing or burdening them with ours.) In my own heart I am torn. I love her and want nothing more than to be "replaced" (for lack of a better term, knowing full well it is not replaced at all) by someone who can give her the strength I cannot. Who can love her and take care of her in a way I know she needs and I want so desperately for her to have. I couldn't have handpicked a better "stone" (touchstone) for her if I'd tried. But I envy what she has found with him. (Note: to you - and you know who you are - it's what keeps me from "remembering" the bad times the two of you had b/c the now is so much better than the then.) And I miss it. Things with Neil weren't great (as all of you know and have heard over and over), and I wanted so much more than what was currently there (but not more than what could've been there had we tried it), but he did that for me. If I said I needed him, he was there. If he knew I needed him, he was there. And unlike me, he never reminded me of all the times he was there for me, or threw it back in my face. He never asked questions, knowing I would revel whatever it was I wanted to talk about in my own time. And it seems he knew what to do to make me feel better, whether it was wings and beer, steak and mac and cheese, or just a little kiss in the kitchen while we were making dinner or putting his arm around me at night. It always made me feel better. (And, just for Karen's pending arguement that maybe Neil was a lesson and I have to take away from it that this type of thing in relationships does exist, etc.,etc. Maybe you're right, but i think it's one hell of a cruel joke to give it to you to teach you a lesson and then rip it away. Even if you will find it again but better. how are you supposed to know what's coming AND Can't you learn lessons from things that stay and end happily? I don't think Aesop should have a hand in writing life tales! :) )

It this understanding I think I would've missed with Ryan. We didn't have it. It's easy to see that now. I don't think much would've changed had we married. Maybe I would have. Maybe I still would've had a career-life crisis, but this time with kids and a husband.

I still contemplate my athletic training decision. If I had quit when I was in college, what would I be? Would I have stayed in the Psych field? Perhaps, like so many Psych majors in the world, I would've ended up doing something completely different. Maybe not getting my Master's at all, but working in banking or something. Or maybe I'd be working on a PhD and developing some new drug to cure depression or something. Maybe (Kare and Amy) I would've ended up like Dr. Miller ( ;) ) dancing on desktops and teaching in a college.

I'm pretty sure that all the what-if-ing in the world won't change the way life is. And I'm pretty sure I'll never get answers to what could've been because it's not and therefore will never be (am I beginning to sound like a Led Zepplin song). And no matter what should been, it's not, but that doesn't mean figuring out what's gonna be gets any easier. Because I guess we never get to find that out until it's what could've been.