I snuck out of a wedding reception.

Is that wrong? Am I really that strange? You know the drunk person at a party that is one minute somewhere, then abruptly gets up and hurridly dashes to somewhere else? That was me. I'm even a bit ashamed to admit it. Here I am though, boldly saying I snuck out of a recpetion.

Here's the thing...I wasn't having a great time. It was nice, I was having a good time, but it wasn't great. The groom tried to warn me months before of this very thing. I didn't listen well enough. Well, I did listen, I just really wasn't sure what to do about it. Who could I bring? The answer, sadly, was no one. Not one single male friend. Not to mention one who is single and would be willing to spend three days at events with people he didn't know...in Maine. No, like it or not, I was on my own for this wedding.

In all my wedding experience, I have never had trouble going to a wedding by myself. I've been to plenty of them. Granted you get the "no date? but you're so pretty" comments from adults. As if being pretty should automatically mean you have someone constantly at your disposal for weddings, family events, etc. Or the "Freaks at table 9" issues of all the single people at a table together. Not to mention the putting you in a spotlight on a dance floor with all the other pretty, single freaks to catch some object being thrown blindly at you. Other than these awkward times, weddings as a single person are fun. You can dance wildly without worrying about leaving the other person alone. You can hang out with your girlfriends and tell stories you would NOT want people to blackmail you with later. You can move in and out of several different groups of people with no alliegance to any one "group" or table. Everyone talks to you because you have no one else around. The slow dance moments aside, weddings as a single person are fun.

The last couple weddings have been different for me. I've been in most of the ones I've attended recently. If I haven't, I've at least felt as close to one member of the "new couple" as anyone else there. It gives me some "home territory" rights or something. (I don't know! See the part where I said I was weird! :) ) I feel more at ease. This past weekend I was determined to be the hit of the wedding (couple excluded, of course). Instead, I was a miserable failure. (In my own mind)

I've been looking forward to this wedding since I got the first "Save the Date". This past weekend was the wedding of my old roommate, Mike and his girlfriend/my old student trainer, Kristina. Two of the most absolutely sweetest people I know! (of course, I do say that about all of my friends. They are all wonderful, wonderful people. ) Friday was a Wine and Cheese/Get to know the people at the wedding Event at Kristina's aunt's house; Saturday was the wedding and the reception; Sunday was a lobster feast at her mom's house. What a 3-day party! I was ready! It's been a long time since I've been to a good party. I needed it.

Friday came, I went to the Wine and Cheese. Mike had hinted that I should bring someone to the weekend because I'd have alot of free time and I wouldn't know too many people. Not a problem for me! I'm a people person! I could talk to anyone! (I apparently am ALOT different in my own mind than in reality.) I took mom as a gift for her, an escape, but she didn't accompany me to any of the events...just the free time stuff. Anyway, I went to the wine and cheese in my nice, cute, summery-yet-sophisticated outfit and took it upon myself to meet people. I didn't want Mike in any way, shape or form to be worried about me. I would be fine. So, introduced myself to groups, chatted a bit, then moved on. After an hour I so, I realized that while I had "met" alot of people, there was no one I felt comfortable around. Like a transfer student, trying to integrate cliques, looking for her niche. There was the family, the sorority sisters, the bridal party, the couples and me. I left about this time, saying a quick goodbye to the bride and groom, then off I went.

Saturday morning was a bit tense. James, my former boss at UNCG and his fiance came walking into breakfast. Me, mom and a couple from MD who were also attending the wedding were talking when they walked in and sat down. It was the first time I had met Jen and she was very nice. James is a current reference, so there was no tension there. The tension arose when Jen turned to James and asked, innocently, where Christy and Neil were staying. Very hurridly and a bit quiet, James told her he did not think they were coming up. I thought my poor mother was going to dash from the table, find the almost-groom and pummel him to an oatmeal consistancy. I, on the other hand, tried to control my suddenly rapid heartrate and erase away the lump now in the pit of my stomach. See...I had expected this. I had been constantly preparing myself and summoning strength for this wedding expecting full well for them to be there. I knew Mike would not leave Neil off his guest list. I also knew Mike wouldn't want me not to come because they were coming. I had been holding out for Kristina. Hoping beyond anything that Kristina would tell me, if Mike would not, Neil and Christy were going to be attending, thereby giving me the time to practice my strength for facing them, head on, at a wedding, together, with no date of my own and no friends to fall back on. I trusted in them to give me warning. I fully expected that since I had heard nothing, they would not be in attendance.

After breakfast, my mother was a wreck. I kept assuring her I would be fine. I had prepared myself, it had been 3 years, I would not for anything want to be with him...to be where she was, I would be fine alone in a room with 80 strangers and them. The wedding itself was lovely. Not even the pouring down rain, thunder and lightening could stop Kristina's smile, as she walked down the aisle, from lighting up the entire town. Mike was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him before a "big game". It was every bit the wedding it should have been. (oh, BTW, no "eternally damned to hell" couple either.)

I showed up at the reception right on time and found I was sitting with the single friends of the newlyweds - the best man (and friend of the groom), maid of honor, matron of honor (recently separated), bridesmaid (and best friend of the groom), groomsman (and childhood friend of the groom) and the groom's cousin. I could not have asked for a better group of people. As dinner went on, they traded stories of bridal party stuff, as well as childhood and high school stuff. When dinner ended, I don't think (honest-to-God truth) I had said more than 15 words. I watched the first dance, the cutting of the cake, participated in having flowers heaved at my head as I stood hiding in the back row trying to not look so single.

I talked to the sorority sisters a little bit and as I was doing the choo-choo train around the dance floor, realized I wasn't really into being at a party. Kristina's ADP sisters were wonderful, but I just felt like they were tolerating me being there, but I wasn't really part of them. In my choo-choo train revelation, I realized I felt like that with just about every group there. Mike was right, I should've scrounged up a date. (Mike is on his honeymoon in St. Maartin's and will hopefully never know that I said he was right about something! :) ) Even more than that, I knew I didn't want to be at the reception feeling alone any longer. I wanted to say goodbye to Mike, but I didn't want to hear him say I told you so or worry about me. (I also wanted to say goodbye to Rick, who was sweet and talked to me alot of Friday and Saturday, but it would've meant risking being begged to stay - so if anyone talks to Rick, not that any of you know him, please tell him I enjoyed meeting him and wish we could've talked longer.) So, I looked around, gathered up my things and snuck out.

The drive home was a bit overwhelming. When I feel like that, I usually realize I'm VERY tired and it's not real emotions, just manifested ones. Either that or blocking out the feeling of loneliness in life takes far more energy than I have when I am tired. In any case, I was awash in the feelings of being alone and the realization that most of the people I knew (or were involved with, like Neil) are not. It's a very strange feeling. Add to that being in a Bed and Breakfast with your mom, no t.v./computer/cell phone and alone doesn't even being to describe how I felt. Luckily, I WAS extremely tired and was asleep before the timer turned the candles in our room windows out.

I was better on Sunday. I went to the Lobster Feast about an hour and a half late. I sat on the deck, surrounded by Kristina's ADP sisters, not caring if I was alone. (Well, maybe just for a minute when I wanted to kayak, but never having been on a kayak before figured someone ought to go with me.) I was in the sunshine, on a river, with a gorgeous view. Kristina came down and talked a bit with all of us. (I should mention here that Kristina also made sure I was IN the choo-choo train at the reception. She wanted me included and kept an eye out for me a bit at HER wedding. Again, she is just wonderful.) I chatted a bit with everyone, as they were leaving, then got some one-on-one time with Mike. Mom came to meet everyone (Kristina, Mikes Parents), then we left. The weekend was finally over.

As I awoke from my Neil dream this morning (won't these things ever go away?!?!?), a feeling of melancholy overcame me. I had weekend regrets. I was upset I didn't get to really know the people at the wedding I was excited about meeting (Mike's friends Amanda, Dom, Rick, Damon) because I'd heard so many good things about them from Mike; and upset there is no "someone" to kayak with.

I hope you guys all had a good weekends, whatever you did. :) I am finally home from Maine and might be passing for sane any day now. Talk to ya'll soon! :)

"Clairee Belcher: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I could help myself." - Steel Magnolias

I know alot of you may think I would take this opportunity to write about our "lovely" (sarc) GAY govenor, James MCGreevy, but instead, I come to you on the brink of another passing year. While many people this close to 30 would be depressed, I'm tremendously excited. For me, 30 holds wonderful possibilities. A weird optimism hovers over me whenever anyone mentions that I'm almost 30.

In talking to Trish this afternoon (Happy Birthday, Murph!), she said, "Ya know Jenn, I'm just not all that excited about turning 29. It's kind of 'eh'." I know how she feels. I remember how I felt when I turned 20. While it was a wonderful birthday, filled with presents and GIANT cards from my "new" boyfriend, Ryan, it was also an "eh" birthday. No longer a teenager, but not yet old enough to "vote" (which my mom used to tell me is why she looked forward to 21! :) Had nothing to do with she and her best friend, Lois visiting lounges, I'm sure! ;) ) it was sort of a hurry up and move on type of birthday.

It's also a time to reflect. I do this on birthdays, as well as New Year's Eve. A famous philosopher, George Santayana, once said, "Those you do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.", so I try to heed his words and learn from my history - what made me happy, sad, how things worked out and how I can mold my life to not repeat those things I would like to avoid and repeat with regularity those things I'd love to experience again and again. My twenties held some great loves, some crises of faith and some heavy career and life decisions. It also held great, lasting friendships and deepened love of family (and those like family). This may seem a very obvious thing to say, but the decade of the my 20's also held some great awakenings. Perhaps there is some direction after all in this little head (and heart) of mine.

The thing I most look forward to my 30's for, is the comfortability in my own skin I seem to feel more and more. I recently read an interview with Halle Berry in which she mentions a talk she had with Oprah about 40 bringing a "at home in your skin" feeling. I'm not sure whether it's circumstance or an increased maturity ;), but the ability to do things for yourself, say "no" to others and live as you wish to live - being true to who you are and what you want from life, regardless of what others think has crept into the last year of my life. I know I have said this before, but here it is again - there are moments, driving in my car, top down, great pair of jeans and a tank top, hair in a ponytail where I feel completely me. Like someone, somewhere should take a snapshot and it would completely scream "JENN!" all over it. The feeling of being home, comfortable, completely where you should be - as though you and your niche in time merged together and clicked. For the last few or more months, I have had the Steel Magnolia's quote from above in my head. It is exactly how I feel. I smile despite myself. The urge to fling my windows open and sing to bluebirds, hug everyone I see (in the pouring down rain) and dance around singing "I Feel Pretty". :) And lots and lots of dreams of being in love. And I am, I think...with me.

So, here on the verge of 29 (2 hours, but really it was 12:56pm on the 13th. I never was a morning person! :) ), I have no "oh my goodness, I'm almost 30" panic attacks. And even though numerous people have commented on me being this close to 30 and single, maybe how I need to get started looking for a husband or settling down, I am happy just the way I am. There's no raining on my parade! Plus...starting 2 hours from now...I have a whole 'nother year to live in my 20's! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!

(And, as a side note, resignations should not be given 3 months in advance. Get him out of office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"There once was a story about a man that could turn invisible. I thought it was only a story until it happened to me." - The Invisible Man (2000)

Ever feel like that? I have references who could tell you, I'm not lying when I say it is me. Any vehicle I am in, people cut it off, turn almost right into it, etc. Just like it wasn't there. I am also constantly run into in grocery stores (I don't mention Wal-Mart, because EVERYONE is knocked over in Wal-Mart.), mall...and in bars, I find an empty space, and people seem to gravitate to stand virtually on top of me...even if there's empty space everywhere else in the building. The running non-joke in our house is that I am the Invisible Woman.

Lately, though I feel like it extends a little past the things listed above. I'm sure it's been a theme in every sitcom known to man. A child or sister (I could swear it was a "poor me, I'm Jan, the middle child" episode of The Brady Bunch) runs away from home because they are always ignored. (Didn't she hitchhike with a trucker who took her home?) More and more, that's how I am feeling. Especially the last few days.

Bill, the athletic trainer I did my college internship with called to tell me he got an assistant position at his high school. I had been in contact with him about returning to athletic training and working with him again would be wonderful. Every year he asks if I would come back if he got a position and I tell him yes. Every year it doesn't pass the budget and we move on. However, this time my old high school DID get an assistant position (which I applied for and didn't get, no reason why from my old a.t., but I digress), so Bill finally got his position. They posted it today. I know I'll have a pretty good shot at it, if I apply. Suddenly, I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea why. I can't really put my finger on it. I did my Pros/Cons list comparing it to staying at Lanier and there are so many positives to taking the position - more money, closer to home (less car miles - a big stress for me lately), near athletics, keep in shape, sunshine (on occasion)...and yet I can't figure out what's nagging at me. Is it because I didn't get the job at my old high school? Am I having crisis of faith? Is it because I've been "out of the game" for awhile (I don't think that's it...but I ponder it, before dismissing it every time)? I can't figure it out. And I'm in a time crunch. Bill is on vacation this week, so I do have a few days to mull it over, but he's expecting me to apply, so if I don't I'd like to tell him why when he returns next week. If I am going to apply, I have to do it this week. Suddenly, I feel so heavy and bogged down.

How do we relieve the bogged down feelings when it comes to decisions? We share with loved ones, accumulate input, hope for a revelation and pray to God we made the right decision. I have tried. However, I open my mouth to my family and get constantly interrupted (when I can get a word in edgewise to talk at all). I know they don't really mean to, but Dad interrupts with his work issues, Jill with he "where am I going to live" stuff, and mom with whatever random thought she's trying not to forget. A five minute discussion turns into more trouble than it's worth. When you lose the flow and weightiness, it suddenly is better kept to yourself. Lately, they're all I really have. Issues like this, I really need face-to-face. It's so hard to do through emailing someone how difficult a decision this is and for them to read your emotions, expressions, etc. or a phone call where there are 15 million other things to distract them.

Maybe that's really it. Too many distractions. I know I can't expect my family to cater and revolve around me, me, me, but for such a tough decision, I'd really appreciate some isolated time. Not the, can we talk going to Wal-Mart? time. Of course, as I said before...any time in a car someone near misses us and the driver starts talking about that and my conversation gets thrown to the back. I do understand no one can make this decision for me, but maybe some decifering of what I'm feeling would help me feel good about whichever decision I make. Too many times lately I've started something, or said something and a whole other conversation gets started...like I wasn't even speaking. Invisible, yet again.

I've become to "adult" to run away from home. I know you can't run away from your problems (because apparently invisibility IS me, not just here). I also know I am too poor to survive on my own! :) Yet the constant weight of everything I am bottling up day after day (from heavy duty life decisions, to hey, guess who I got an email from today? - which at dinner ended up as a 5 minute "When Harry Met Sally" quote-a-thon from Jill, so I just stopped telling the story. Not important I guess), is getting to be overwhelming. Not having people to talk to about life (not just about what their copier does) or do things with - any type of close face-to-face, physical sort of relationship, well I don't know how people - invisible or not - go through life this way.

I remember a study someone did with monkeys and a mother-type figure. One monkey had food and water; the other one had food, water and a sock-type thing which replicated companionship. the second monkey thrived in his environment, while the first withered away. I know it's been awhile since I've taken psychology, so the sock thing and the someone thing I'm not too clear on, but I remember the rest. I remember thinking how vivid a statement it made about the need for human physical contact and interaction. That poor first monkey.

So, I'm down to 3 days left (in a slammed work schedule) to figure out what to do. I guess I'll keep tumbling it around in my head until something makes sense. Until I can figure out what makes the most sense for me and why. If I can't ever figure it out, I may just go with my gut and I'm afraid...so afraid that may be the wrong decision, made for who knows what reason. And why on earth would I want to stay where I am? Why can't I leave here? Even when I have the chance? And is it that I don't want to leave, or I'm just afraid of change? These are the questions, among others, for which I just can't seem to find an answer. Maybe, in my life, there are many questions for which I am seeking an answer and may search infinately without resolution. For this, however, there will be an answer within 4 days. I will let you know what I finally decide.

"Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon. The invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are the most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen." - Joan of Arcadia