Hi Everyone! Happy Memorial Day!!!

Well, once again things here are exciting. I'm in the midst of a career crisis. So....

I got a call last Friday from my boss, Denny. He wanted to let me know he had been contacted by a gentleman in our Washington Suburban who wanted to talk to me about a position in his office. Vince is a Global Account Manager for the Professional side of our company. His Global Account Representative has become the Districe Service Manager and he was given my name as a possible replacement. Denny gave me the information, let me know Vince would be calling me and wished me luck. I talked to Vince and we scheduled an interview in Silver Spring for Friday (this past). Vince called back and said his boss was going to be in my office on Thursday and could I meet with him? So, interviews Thursday AND Friday for the same position. I didn't really have a whole lot of time to think about it, given I was depriving myself of taste for two days, then anesthetized Monday. Tuesday, I received a phone call from a university where I applied for a fundraising position. We scheduled a phone interview for Friday afternoon.

When I went into the office on Thursday, after my meeting with Vince's boss, our Sales Manager asked to talk to me about the interview and the pending position. He used to work in the Washington area office and wanted to get my thoughts, give me some insight, etc. Then, I spent an hour and a half with Denny, going over some of the same things. I knew I had a list of things I needed to consider and issues which would become factors with taking the position. Of course, there is always the fail safe Pro/Con list...which I have always used more like Phoebe telling Rachel she wasn't pregnant...a guide to make a decision, then figure out how I really feel about it before finalizing my decision.

I met with Vince and had a nagging feeling in my stomach. Not a "I don't want to do this" feeling, but something either was not sitting right or I just couldn't put my finger on what I needed to straighten out. Here's the job scoop...I would be pretty much managing all of Vince's accounts from our office - working spread sheets, talking to customers, answering questions for them, placing orders, etc. The money would be "significantly more" (from what I can gather - since no one can tell me and Vince just said "over 40" is maybe 42 or so) and, according to Karen, would give me enough to live and pay bills. So, these are the thoughts running through my head....

* What is this feeling I can't put my finger on? There is some part of me that looks at the actual description of this job as a demotion. I have been doing alot of things since I first came to this company, most of which are either explicitly not my job description or very far stretches and twists of it. The best part is the getting in front of our customers. They know and trust me. Most of the time they contact me instead of their sales person. They know I will get whatever the need taken care of done. I enjoy seeing and meeting people and giving them a face to associate our product with. This would all change with the new job. From the best description I can get, it seems like a glorified secretary or clerical position. I feel more power and prestige in my current postion than this one seems to have. All of you who know me know I don't look for power or prestige, but control...yes I'm Type A, I like the control that comes with managing an account which has been turned over (essentially)to me. So, am I viewing this job as a demotion? A clipping of my wings? Being confined? Is this the thing I can't figure out?

* Is it wrong to turn down a promotion? A promotion is what most people work towards. We want to get ahead and be rewarded for our hard work. It seems 3 collegues of mine, all individually, submitted my name for this position. Is it a slap in their face if I turn it down? Also, does it reflect poorly on me if I turn down a promotion I was obviously interested in enough to interview? I was trying to weight the job on it's description, in addition to figuring out if the increase in cost of living was worth the change. It's one thing to have an increase cost of living and have to figure out if the salary difference would cover the raise in rent, utilities, etc.(say going from $800 rent, food, utilities to $1200 for a difference of $400 or so dollars). For me, I would be going from having to pay none of those things, to incurring those costs to a tune of at least $1200/month (so a $1200 increase for rent, utilities and food). Quite a difference! Also, if I turn down this promotion, will others begin to think they shouldn't offer me a similar position because I wouldn't take it?

* How can you tell if you could work with someone from a brief interview? Vince is a very different sort of person. I heard alot about him from the people I spoke with regarding this position (including his boss) before I actually met him. One of the things that sat a little off kilter with me (I don't want to say it annoyed me, because it wasn't quite that strong a feeling) is he constantly mentions his worth to the company and how much money in sales he has. It didn't annoy me, or make me think of him in an arrogant sort of way because he mentions it as factual, instead of in a braggadocious manner. He doesn't say it to show you how wonderful he is, but more to show you why he needs an "assistant" in a hurry. I was told Vince was quite "my way is the best way" and I'm not sure I can be a puppet doing someone else's work because they are to busy. I need a vested interest, even if it's just some ownership over the work that's getting done. I couldn't get a good grasp for that during the interview, which brings me to another thing....

I had contacted the woman who had the position previously to see if I could talk to her before my interview, or meet with her afterward to ask her some questions about the position. One of the things I like about this opportunity is that the woman who did it for 3 years will still be in the office to give me guidance. I finished my interview with Vince and he called Catina in, to answer any questions I may have of her. I had mentioned to him I was supposed to meet with her after he and I met, then he brought her in to his office to speak with me...while he was there. Adam, our Sales Manager, had told me Catina is very straightforward and honest and would give me truthful answers which would give me a good feel for the position that meeting with Vince or his boss might not. I was a little upset that my chance to get the truth was thwarted by it taking place in front of Vince. I was not sure how much Catina could be honest, or if I even felt comfortable asking the questions I wanted to, because how can you say "Is your boss a jerk? or Why did you quit?" in front of the boss himself? Since my interview was on a Friday before vacation, I left my work cell phone off all day. I checked it today just in case and found Catina had called me at 10:15, just after the interview and asked me to call her. I am curious as to what this was regarding.

Anyway, the "Pros" to this job would be feeling like a contributing member of society again. I know it's not all it's cracked up to be, but I can't help feeling as though I have flown through time and ended up back in 1993. Instead of feeling "almost 30" I feel 18. It also may mean a social life. My social life has drastically changed since moving back home. I know longer feel like my time is only mine, and I should take everyone else into consideration before planning things, like dinner, drinks, etc. And forget dating altogether. It's a bit embarassing to me to be 28 and having a date pick me up at my parent's house, where I live. Not to mention that spending time alone would have to be arranged around Dad's ice cream time and mom's cleaning, computering, etc. It would also be more money. I'm still not really sure this is a "Pro", since the difference in salary may end up just covering rent and I'll have to take from what I currently make to pay utilities, food, etc. It is a promotion. It would look great on my resume to show a promotion after 9 months of employment, plus it would lead me to other opportunities in our company I may like more. Some others are friends in the area, less miles on my car/less driving daily and developing new skills.

The "Cons" oddly enough look a bit like the "Pros". It would mean moving out of here. While I do have two very close friends in the Silver Spring area, here I have people to eat dinner with and interact with every day. There, it may be once or twice a month I see my friends to "unload" my day on. I pay no expenses here. It has been helpful in being able to save money. For the first time in my life, I have money in a savings account. The money factor from above would fall in the "con" category as well. I'd still be in copiers. ('nuff said!) I'm sure Friday I could have given you others in both categories, but I spent yesterday floating on a raft at Seacrets (a jamacian themed bar/restaraunt) in Ocean City Maryland. I imbibbed some Red Stripe and got a tad bit sunburnned and am now feeling tired..I think my brain cells are still on the raft "watering" ;), so I'll just move on! :)

Here's the other wrench in my poor brain - - - the university interview! I was perplexed and conflicted through most of Friday (not at all on Saturday - see "watering" above or today, because I'm tired). I had a 3pm interview with a woman from the university named Pat. I had just gotten to Ocean City and filled Karen in on all the thoughts and questions and feelings I had about my Thursday-Friday morning interviews with our Washington Suburban people, when my 3pm phone interview took place. I really enjoyed talking to her. It turns out Pat worked with my boss' boss from UNCG, Patty, at Florida State. Patty loved me, we worked well together and she was upset when I left. She told me to use her as a reference at any time. So I do. Pat and I talked about the current position, as well as her home city of Chattanooga and the fried green tomatoes place she just has to try when she goes back to visit her family. The current position would be raising money for the extended "non-traditional" campus. Since there are no models for this anywhere across the country, the position could be whatever the incoming person makes it and could take shape. There is tremendous support for this position from the Chancellor of the Extended Campus (who, did I mention knows my old roommate, Karen?), as it was his idea. I have to say I loved everything about the position and Pat seemed wonderful. I asked her about a timeline (seeing as the Washington office wants someone in there ASAP and is probably expecting me to have an answer on whether I would take the position on Tuesday). They are planning on narrowing it down to 3 candidates by next week. She has interviewed 6 and has 2 more to go. Those 3 would visit campus and they hope to have the person on campus late August/early September when classes begin. We didn't talk about salary. BTW, did I mention it's in Daytona?

I spoke my way through a plan with Karen after my 3pm interview ended. I am pretty sure I would pass on the Washington Area job, if I were one of the 3 candidates considered for the Daytona job. Denny told me two things in our hour and a half meeting I thought were very good advice - 1st, listen to my gut and 2nd don't let Washington rush me into a decision. I plan on calling Catina on Tuesday to see if I can get some more answers to my questions and take a day or two to ponder them. At that point, I should know whether I am making the final cut on the Daytona job and can make a decision from there.

What I haven't figured out is, if I don't make the final 3 on the Daytona job, would I take the Washington Area job? Should I ignore some hesitation on my part (and ignore Denny) and take the job? Or should I turn it down because of something I can't put my finger on and stay where I am, financially, socially, career-ly (yes, yes, it might not be a word, but if our "new Bill" can create "watering" and my friend Lisa can make up "obnoxion", then certainly I can advebtivefy "career")and physically. Lord knows I haven't made any good decisions in the last two years or so when it comes to managing my life, but I don't want to get so caught up in not getting any farther off-track that I become convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one. I am not sure I am thoroughly convinced I trust myself and my motives for leaning one way or the other. Am I doing it because I'm settled and scared of change and the unknown? Or maybe just to break free of the life I am living?

Speaking of the life I am living...everything went fine with the previously mentioned colonoscopy. I have a slight colitis (according to my GI guy, due to stress - I have to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss treatment methods)and a very black and blue hand, from the FIRST attempt at an IV. (And those little needle suckers HURT!!! The second attempt in the arm didn't even leave a needle mark!) I am still avoiding fruits, vegetables, chinese food (well, I keep trying different dishes determined to be able eat some, but so far no good. I tried Lo Mein tonight, we'll see how it goes), dairy, soda, alcohol and eating fast or in stressful conditions. For those of you with good memories, I know Red Stripe is alcohol, but if you have a REALLY good memory you'll remember I have NO WILLPOWER when it comes to food - and a very short memory when contemplating something I want that tastes good vs. why I don't generally eat/drink it! :) ) I believe some sort of IBS drug will be the next step of action in an attempt to let me eat fruits and veggies again! (It's so hard to lose weight just working out 4 days a week and eating carbs, little protein and desserts! ;) )I know - probably a whole paragraph of TMI, but it is the biggest cause of upset in my life lately.

I'll keep ya'll posted on the job front. Keep your fingers crossed that everything works out for the best (whatever that is)! Night! Happy Memorial Day! GBA (and our Veterans)!!!

Ever notice when you can't have something, is when you want it most?

It's 11am on Saturday morning and I'm having the most glorious thoughts about food. Especially the peanut butter pretzels I know are in the other room, just calling to me. Problem is, according to the little pre-procedure sheet my doctor gave me, I can have "all the clear liquids I like" for two days. Isn't it nice? They worded it like I should be overjoyed. Clear Liquids! As many as I like! Wow! Lucky me! So, I'm one hour into the day and NEVER going to make it.

I began the ravenous thoughts yesterday (when I WAS allowed to eat anything)in the grocery store as I was buying up every clear liquid I could find. I started a couple days ago buying two containers of Apple Juice and one package of lime Jello. I thought I was done. However, yesterday my body went into a panic about the fact that for 48 hours I could ingest NOTHING but those two containers of Apple Juice and one package of lime Jello. So, I rethought the notion, headed to the store and bought 4 packages of colorless popcicles, 12 cans of ginger ale, a granulated container of chicken Boullion, 10 package of non-red or purple Kool Aid and 2 large White Cranberry juices. I'm gonna Clear Liquid myself every 30 minutes for 48 hours! Anyone remember in Sex Education where they said (maybe it was only in OUR school) if you're out with your boyfriend and feel like sex, go out for a hamburger instead? And even though I had no idea what the first was like, I was pretty sure it was ALOT different than a hamburger. Just in the same way I'm sure that a colorless popcicle is ALOT different than a hamburger.

I've decided that when Katie Couric does this every year, better t.v. would be to watch her do the one to two day all-you-can-eat clear liquid diet, than to actually watch the beginning to end procedure live. I'd much rather see our sweet little Katie screaming at Craft Services for putting out food, (why should everyone else get to eat if she can't?) or yelling at the guy on the street because he breathed near her (yes, I'm a bit testy when I don't eat)than to watch her smile her way through the anesthesia and the colonscopy she has done every year to honor her husband's death from colon cancer. Wouldn't you much rather watch her struggle to stay away from the peanut butter pretzels (or frozen pizza, or fresh baked cookies, or Chex Mix) than to watch her struggle to look cute under anesthesia? How do models do this?!?!?!? (I guess I've answered the, why don't you diet question. No willpower when it comes ot food.)

Well, all this talk of food has made me hungry. I guess I'll head down to the kitchen and make myself some Jello.

Hey All!
Just a little horrible confession. I'm addicted to talk shows. I don't know if anyone has seen The Ellen DeGeneres Show, but it is very amusing. Then it's on to Oprah. I'm really not liking Oprah as of late. Her shows have been kind of "eh". A nice trip to the "My Favorite Things" show would be cool though. Then it's over to Ryan Seacrest for my inner 16 year-old.

I don't know why I'm addicted to talk shows. Maybe it's because they're funny. It's hard to find genuinely funny t.v. on anymore. Even the finale of Friends was just "eh". Not the knock out laughs like it used to have. I mean, you all know I'm a t.v. junkie, but I am trying to cut back. I watch Las Vegas on Monday, West Wing (and/or The O.C.) on Wednesday and Crossing Jordan on Sunday. Other than Jeopardy at 7, that's about it. All pretty serious shows. Then you've got the news, talk about serious! I can't watch it anymore it gets me too upset. (And, given that a cloud in the sky sends my body reeling, I can't afford to be upset.)

The comedies on t.v., just aren't as well written as the dramas. You don't become intranced in their lives like you used to. Haven't heard anybody talking about what's gonna happen on EL Raymond like they used to with Friends. Or to have millions of women wonder what to do with their lives, if According to Jim goes off the air. People watch these shows to unwind, escape for a little bit and because they have no other choices. Most shows are mild (to say the least) versions of the scenarios you used to see in "I Love Lucy" and the same plot, different setting gets boring week after week on average shows. I don't think many Americans would even mind "off-the-wall" story lines, reminescent of 3rd Rock from the Sun, if they would make us laugh for a good half hour.

I've begun staying up late (I'm up to 11pm. Aren't I the rebel?!?!? ) and watching Whose Line Is It Anyway? Some nights, I'm laughing so hard my mom wonders if it isn't sobbing. I learned they're haven't done any new shows. Another one bites the dust.

The state of the world doesn't leave one with much to laugh about these days. Isn't it time our release from reality, from our day, from all we deal with in a 24-hour period, our t.v. time was funny?

I think I am the world's best procrastinator. I have managed to find time today to sit on my computer checking every random website in America while my closet (yes again) has exploded all over my floor. It is really bad this time. The mirror that once used to tower over my dresser, has been reduced to a tiny sliver that peaks out somewhere around the ceiling and the space where the rest of it used to be is just piles of clothes, clean, waiting to be put away. I'm a mess.

So, while I am procrastinating, I thought I'd take a minute to drop in. The new blog site is great, don't ya think? I like this new template. Like the whole new site, actually.

What I don't like, at the moment, are my hips. I keep trying on dresses that I know used to fit and now, it looks as if I left a coat hanger sticking out on each side where the hips go. I'm blaming someone else. I mean, how is it that I can work out 4 days a week, not eat too badly (hey, I am working on a non-weight loss friendly diet here! :) ) and still feel like I might not fit into those airplanes seats if I keep going at this rate! :) The rest of me looks o.k. Losing weight in my face, top half of the stomach and legs...just can't seem to convince the fat on my hips it would rather be somewhere else. I guess my hips are like a great resort beach! :)

I like the beach. Think my perfect job would be as a cabana filler. Think that job comes with a cabana boy? Can I pick out my own? :) I might get bored, so maybe I could review books on the side. I mean, I'll need something to do out on my cabana. Maybe I should be more specific. I mean, I don't want to be a cabana filler in Alaska! What a horrible job that would be!!!! Like a tease or something. Give me a nice warm weather cabana. I'll fill it. I think a good salary would be 50K a year. Sounds like a nice round "5" number salary to me! I'll take it! :)

I'll take any fun jobs these days. I decided maybe I'm not the 30 years, then a pension type employee. Maybe I'm better suited to different jobs every so many years. I would say I'd be a great consultant...come in, do my job, then move on to another company...and I would be a great consultant, but what would I consult on? I've always felt specially blessed with a talent for finding the problems within an organization, but who would take fix information from someone who has #1 never fixed a company's problems and #2 loses her mirror to her clothes? I wouldn't trust them.

Ah yes...the clothes. I guess they are still sitting up there. No one has rung my doorbell since I've been home to announce that I've won free redecorating and maid service for my area of the house. Maybe the doorbell is broken? Should I fix it anyway? just in case? Yes, yes, probably not. Well, the guilt is eating at me and I can feel my hips spreading further and further as I sit here. Do you know the sound hips make when spreading is VERY VERY slight? If you don't listen for it, you might miss it. I keep thinking maybe I could just throw away all the clothes up there, then I wouldn't have to put them away (it's my theory on laundry, which is why the OTHER side of my room is covered in clothes...if I don't wash them, I don't have to put them away. Now, if I can just find somewhere to put the dirty stuff....). Unfort., the things that have been washed are the things that actually look o.k. on my hips and therefore I guess I need to keep them, or I really will start to look like on of those kids flip-and-match games.

Well, off to the room. Just gotta keep myself from going up there and crawling into the only free space in my room....the bed. My hips still fit there. :)

Hey All!

Well, I'm still trying to write about the friends drifting in and out (which was inspired by a client, of all people), but I've gotta get this out first. The last few nights it's all I can think about in those moments before I fall asleep and maybe if I let it all out, I'll feel better. I, like so much of America, am thinking about Pat Tillman. I think alot of his "fanfare" has been misportrayed, and I feel the need to explain why so many nights have been taken up in thinking about him.

The news of his death came from my father. Oddly enough, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was instantly sad. Sad for alot of reasons, most of which were my feelings about this war we are in. Pretty much the same way I react to horror movies where I know more than the actor. I sit around screaming "Get Out! Get Out! It was a trap!" or "There's a monster in there and you're in high heels... turn around! Leave before you get killed too!" Alas, they never listen. I can't help thinking Pat wouldn't have listened either. I've been trying to read every bit of info I can find about what happened, which led me to the Sports Illustrated article with him on the cover.

Before I go on, I feel the need to interject on myself. I'm a bit jumbled in my thoughts. They come streaming all overlapping, etc. My friends have all called it "overanalyzing" a word of which I'm not aware. What is this overanalyzing you speak of? ;)

So, while I want to know what happened, to gather evidence to make sense of his death and give myself some comfort, I feel as though I am betraying his very wishes to remain "another soldier" by doing so. How many other soldiers' deaths have I read into? How many other soldiers' families have I felt for? The answer, surprisingly enough is way too many. I have not delved into the stories as greatly as I have delved into his, but every article, in both the newspapers we received, on every local soldier, I read. And try not to cry. Maybe I am turning into an emotional woman in my old age, but I get upset by the though of another life taken for something so....not our fight. Then again, each soldier has not been as heavily reported upon as Pat and Kevin Tillman.

When the news stations first began reporting on Pat it was all about his leaving the NFL to join the Army. Everyone focused on the change in salary, how he was an athlete, how he was giving up his dream, and did we mention the money?, to do what he felt was right. I don't mourn for Pat because of his salary change. I didn't follow his story because he was an athlete. I followed Pat and Kevin's story because I too didn't see the big deal. September 11th outraged me as well. Once The Dad was accounted for and deemed safe, and the shock of the fact that a terrorist hase reeked so much havock in OUR country, I was outraged. How DARE they come onto OUR soil, take advantage of OUR freedom and education, then destroy OUR buildings, families, structures and basic ways of living from day to day!!!! We needed to show them just how much stronger they had made us!!!! We needed to let them know that NO ONE does that to US and gets away with it! (Yes, I am one of those red, white and blue idiots on Fourth of July who goes to every parade and fireworks show she can find!) We needed to find those behind this and torture them to every ounce of their being! (I know, not very Jenn like, but I was MAD!)

Apparently, Pat and Kevin felt the same way. They were right when they said they weren't leaving behind any more or less than those who were leaving families and their jobs behind. They were right when they said they didn't want to be any different than the person standing beside them in boot camp. In war, you just can't afford to feel you or your life is any more valuable than that of the uniformed soldier standing beside you. Pat and Kevin knew that. Had we as Americans (and perhaps media - ESPN) become so...snobbish?....that WE couldn't see that? How about if that was OUR brother or sister going to enlist and here's this "hotshot" who gave up millions of dollars and was going to be responsible for defending their life? Would I want my family member's life to be any less valued because he/she gave up a $40,000/year job and a spouse and kids? Not the NFL, but no less important. They had passion. According to the things I've read from friends and coaches, passion in everything they did and everything in their life. They too, couldn't let the United States of America be attacked and "demeaned" without standing up for it. So, off they went.

Can you imaging being married to a person like that? To know that your honeymoon might be the only time you spent together because his passion for what was right was carrying him into danger? I'm sure Pat's wife admired and even loved the passion inside of him. How hard would it be to love it knowing it could kill him? To support him knowing you might lose him?

Or to be the mother and father of not one, but two boys whose passion and idea of right and wrong was taking both of them into the center of danger? That you might get that dreded knock on the door and find a soldier standing there in full dress waiting to hand you the news that you would never again see the passion in the eyes of one of them? To stand there being proud of what they are doing? Proud that the children you have raised are so modest? noble? human? that they don't believe what they are doing is abnormal from what everyone should do?

All of the while, the rest (media) of America just doesn't get it. Why would you voluntarily leave millions of dollars and a cushy life for war?

Every night, when I lie down to sleep, I think about the Tillman family and what they must now be going through. A wife, newlywed, now a widow. A life that just months ago included kids and growing old together, now just wonders how to "grow" another day alone. A brother and soldier, who fought close enough to see his brother every week, whose brother joined to be with him as well as following his own "need", now escorts his brother home in a coffin. A mother and father, who raised wonderful, passionate, conviction-filled children and fielded questions and remarks about their sons choices, now lowering one into the ground. Doing all of this in the watchful eye of the media. It is his family I greive for, that my heart breaks for, and for which I always manage to just stop before shedding many tears. The symbol of so many lives going forward without a piece.

Eventually, the story will fade. The media will find another story to cover. The Tillman family, with an empty space in their lives will have to go on. As will every other family in America who has lost a loved one in this war. At this moment, the feelings inside the Tillman family is one that, ironically enough, is no different than that of many of the soldiers' families of soldiers that fought "next to" Pat Tillman. Pat and Kevin Tillman wanted to be like every other soldier in their unit, in the Army, in this war. Ironically, it is the resolve of the media to keep them "different" that has a nation mouring the loss of Pat Tillman. It is his passion that has drawn fans to the makeshift memorials set up in his memory. It is the fact that he left the NFL and millions of dollars to join the Rangers and fight that has named a stadium in his memory and honor. It is the fact that he, depite his protests to the contrary, was in the public eye for doing something that came so naturally to him, that will keep him alive in the memory of so many for years and years to come.