Hey Everyone! Just wanted to do a little post for my cousin, Jeremiah. He's leaving Thursday to go live and study at Word of Life Institute in Brazil for a year. We'll miss him! My friend Natalie and I used to play this song for each other all the time our Senior Year in high school. Jerm, I'm leaving you with the same words, thoughts, and song. The sentiment - friends or family, should be the same. Good Luck! Enjoy! :)
Packing up the dreams God planted
in the fertile soil of you
Can't believe the hopes He's granted
means a chapter in your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
if the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
in the Father's hands we know
that a lifetime's not too long
to live as friends
With the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you'll live in
is the strength that now you show
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
if the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
in the Father's hands we know
that a lifetime's not too long
to live as friends
FRIENDS - MICHAEL W. SMITH
Monday, December 30, 2002
Thursday, December 26, 2002
Merry Christmas All! I know it won't surprise any of you to know I've been thinking about Erin alot lately. It's funny what the holidays will do to you. I've been thinking about how, since Thanksgiving, I've been trying to write this blog. Just like I was trying to find the right time to send Erin her CD after some guy broke her heart (it's still here), and wanted to call her, but never wanted her to feel like she had to talk, if she didn't have the energy, or was having a bad day and just wanted to lay around alone for a bit. It's this flooding of memories and all I wanted to do and didn't which prodded me to finally sit down and write about her.
For all of you who never got the opportunity to meet or know Erin, what a loss! I first "met" Erin in 1992 on a Name That Tune bullitan board. A young woman everyone called "Senator" who LOVED Don Henley. I graduated from high school in 1993 and, as a present, was given a week in California with Erin. I remember being unable to take my eyes off Erin. She had this way about her that just drew people to her. She was so happy and smiling and full of life. Erin said she had planned a tour of her favorite places to eat in California, beginning by leaving the airport and heading to dinner with her friend, Maralynn. I have never enjoyed an entire week more. We did everything, including a baseball game (which turned into going back the next day for game two), Stanford, Fisherman's Wharf, Disneyland, Cheesecake Factory in Marina Del Ray, Carmel, Fourth of July at a friend's house and fireworks over the ocean viewed from the end of a cul-de-sac, UCLA, Rodeo Drive (at 2am, so we wouldn't spend money! :) ), and ending at the Falafel Hut in Campbell. That trip she also introduced me to raw silk shirts for hot summer days, alfalfa sprouts and avocado on sandwiches, and espardrilles. We met people and Erin charmed people everywhere we stopped. The only thing that kept me from being sad when I left was knowing I'd see her in Boston the following weekend!
Erin and I lost touch when I went to college. Then one day, our of the blue, I got a postcard from her as she was...I think it was backpacking around Europe, or in Canada, or something. I wondered if the trip meant her mother, whom had breast cancer when I first met Erin, had passed. I finally got the nerve up to ask her July of 2000, while we were in New Orleans. I heard Erin was living in New York right before she was leaving. We tried to make plans to meet up in the city, but it fell through. We did, however, get a bit better about staying in touch. We would talk on Instant Message every time we were on at the same time and occasionally send catching-up emails.
We met up again in New Orleans in July of 2000. We had a wonderful time with our friends from Name That Tune! We were staying at a hotel on Bourbon Street, and were laying around talking about our lives and such before we had to get up and get ready for our "night on the town". Neil called and Erin answered it, chatted with him a bit, then handed the phone off to me as we both were getting ready to head down to the Cat's Meow. Erin got up on stage alone and sang "Stay" by Lisa Loeb. It was wonderful! (I have pictures, if you can tell that the dot on stage is Erin! :) )
In one of her emails, Erin informed us her father was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't a long-term prognosis. After her father passed, Erin announced her intent to travel to every ballpark in the U.S. to raise money for The Jimmy Fund and to honor her father's memory. I was so excited for her! How fun! Erin and I again tried to meet up, but she was north when I was south and vica versa. I enjoyed reading about her journeys across the U.S. and could just picture Erin in every situation she encountered - the people she met, the situations she was in...I laughed and smiled, knowing how in just a few short minutes, Erin would make all those people fall in love with her. what better spokesperson could cancer and cancer research have, than this woman whose smile lit up a room and made you feel like she was family. I just knew ever person she met would end up sending money or supporting her cause.
Everyone talks about how different America has been since September 11, 2001. There is a small (comparatively to the population of America) core of people for whom life after September 11th is so changed, that the life before it hardly seems like it belonged to the same person. While not due directly to that incident, I feel as though from that day on, my life has done a complete 180. The month or so following September 11th, were tough on our family. My father, who checked out of the WTC Marriott less than 30 minutes before the first plane attacked, was dealing (we believe), not only with that incident, but with some distant part of his memory from Vietnam. It took alot of rallying around him to help him deal with much of his experience from that day. And, little did I know then, but about 3 months from that day, I would have my heart truly broken, quit my job and move home to deal with the aftermath of my "tragedy".
Erin's family changed that day too. Erin was on her New york leg of her trip on September 11th. She was staying with friends, and while not in the immediate area, deeply affected by what happened. We would not learn until a few weeks later, just exactly why this incident hit Erin especially hard. During Erin's Strikeoutcancer tour, she found a lump in her breast. Upon returning home, Erin learned that it was indeed cancer. She opted for chemotherapy and was positive she would beat this disease. On August 9, 2002, I logged onto our NTT website board I started and Erin had posted this message to us all:
[8/9/2002 10:49:41 AM | erin hamilton]
Hello, all. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but when you hear my story, I think you'll forgive my quietness.
Things have been going pretty well with my treatment. I finished my eighth round of chemo in May and started radiation in June for 7 and a half weeks. Unfortunately, toward the middle/end of radiation I just started feeling really, really sick, and we couldn't figure out what it was coming from. I was getting horrible headaches. As first we thought they might be migraines, but they lasted for a month without reprieve, no matter what medication I tried. It got to a point where I couldn't even lay my head on the pillow without causing incredible pain. One night it got so bad I actually started hallucinating that there were a group of people (nice people, at least) walking around my apartment, kind of like the inhabitants of the movie The Sixth Sense. The next morning I went into my doctor's office, he took one look at me and checked me into the hospital for a couple of days.
While there, he ran an MRI of my brain, among other tests, and confirmed our suspicsions that the cancer has moved on through my bloodstream into other parts of my body. With certainty, we know that there are now three malignant brain tumors, one on the left frontal lobe, one on the left cerebellum and on on the right parietal occipital. They do not expect that brain surgery would be effective for these, as they are quite spread out, but there is an option of treatment that looks to be very, very, good. They have already started treating the brain with a low dose radiation, to the whole thing, with the hope of eradicating any demon cancer cells that may just be sitting around but not large enough to see in tumor form. The next step, which they will start next week, is a radiation treatment called IMRT, which is kind of like playing a highly targeted game of Asteroids with my brain tumors. They plot out a computer plan, then use a face mask and a radar gun to get the radiation to where it needs to go. Each of these sessions lasts about half an hour, and I will have twenty of them, every weekday for four weeks. So, come the middle of September, I fully expect to see myself cancer free, and would appreciate your good thoughts, prayers, energy, or whatever you believe in to help me get there.
I can not explain how strong my belief is that this is going to turn out well. They've thrown some pretty scary words at me, like "Stage IV Cancer", "low survival rates", and things like that, but I somehow really have this feeling that this treatment is going to be exactly what I need and will take care of everything. I have incredible doctors that make me feel listened to and cared for and a team of nurses and office staff that are behind me 100% (not to mention the best friends in the world). I'm sorry I've been out of touch, but you have never been far from my thoughts. I listen to your cds often, and still think that was the sweetest gift I've gotten since this whole thing started out. Your thoughts and kindness mean very much to me! Love, Erin
As you can imagine, we were all devestated. I wanted to fly out and sit by her side-hold her hand-make things lighter and easier. but, I couldn't see Erin ever accepting my offer. She never seemed to doubt for a minute that she was stronger than this disease. We prayed, I sent emails she didn't have to answer, I tried calling, but her voicemail box was always full. I was never surprised. I'm sure she was surrounded by people who loved her and wanted to help her. We learned that on November 21, 2002 Erin had passed away.
I can't really say it's been hard on me. Erin was such a wonderful person. She was so full of life and energy and love. Every person she met (and there were LOTS) she touched and changed their lives forever. Erin had a way of making you want to take the trip you'd always wanted to, to try bungee jumping b/c it seemed exciting, to pick up and try something new...to make you want to fit as much into every second of every day as you could. She, apologizing for the corny Jack Nicklson quote, made you want to be a better person, if only to try and keep up with her! :) And for this reason, I know there are so many people she touched, so many people who will be better people because of her.
As for an emotion, I am pretty torn. I wish I could say I was terribly sad. But I'm not. I can't see Erin slowing down, cancer or no. I really think it's hard to keep a spirit that big and full of life trapped in a body unable to house it. Suffering and being "sapped" is not Erin's style. What makes me sad, is the thing I never got to do, or say...all the times I should've called, or emailed, or gone to see her. I'm sad for me, not for her. And the truth is, I can't really say I know she's gone. Every once in awhile, since Thanksgiving, I want to call her. See how's she's doing. More like the message we got at Thanksgiving was that she's cancer-free and Erin's out running around, living life again. And maybe she is. Every once in awhile, I can see Erin, arriving at Heaven, met by her parents. Then running around hugging all those she knows...and then off, to fulfill her spirit. Perhaps her first stop...Field of Dreams.
For all of you who never got the opportunity to meet or know Erin, what a loss! I first "met" Erin in 1992 on a Name That Tune bullitan board. A young woman everyone called "Senator" who LOVED Don Henley. I graduated from high school in 1993 and, as a present, was given a week in California with Erin. I remember being unable to take my eyes off Erin. She had this way about her that just drew people to her. She was so happy and smiling and full of life. Erin said she had planned a tour of her favorite places to eat in California, beginning by leaving the airport and heading to dinner with her friend, Maralynn. I have never enjoyed an entire week more. We did everything, including a baseball game (which turned into going back the next day for game two), Stanford, Fisherman's Wharf, Disneyland, Cheesecake Factory in Marina Del Ray, Carmel, Fourth of July at a friend's house and fireworks over the ocean viewed from the end of a cul-de-sac, UCLA, Rodeo Drive (at 2am, so we wouldn't spend money! :) ), and ending at the Falafel Hut in Campbell. That trip she also introduced me to raw silk shirts for hot summer days, alfalfa sprouts and avocado on sandwiches, and espardrilles. We met people and Erin charmed people everywhere we stopped. The only thing that kept me from being sad when I left was knowing I'd see her in Boston the following weekend!
Erin and I lost touch when I went to college. Then one day, our of the blue, I got a postcard from her as she was...I think it was backpacking around Europe, or in Canada, or something. I wondered if the trip meant her mother, whom had breast cancer when I first met Erin, had passed. I finally got the nerve up to ask her July of 2000, while we were in New Orleans. I heard Erin was living in New York right before she was leaving. We tried to make plans to meet up in the city, but it fell through. We did, however, get a bit better about staying in touch. We would talk on Instant Message every time we were on at the same time and occasionally send catching-up emails.
We met up again in New Orleans in July of 2000. We had a wonderful time with our friends from Name That Tune! We were staying at a hotel on Bourbon Street, and were laying around talking about our lives and such before we had to get up and get ready for our "night on the town". Neil called and Erin answered it, chatted with him a bit, then handed the phone off to me as we both were getting ready to head down to the Cat's Meow. Erin got up on stage alone and sang "Stay" by Lisa Loeb. It was wonderful! (I have pictures, if you can tell that the dot on stage is Erin! :) )
In one of her emails, Erin informed us her father was diagnosed with cancer and it wasn't a long-term prognosis. After her father passed, Erin announced her intent to travel to every ballpark in the U.S. to raise money for The Jimmy Fund and to honor her father's memory. I was so excited for her! How fun! Erin and I again tried to meet up, but she was north when I was south and vica versa. I enjoyed reading about her journeys across the U.S. and could just picture Erin in every situation she encountered - the people she met, the situations she was in...I laughed and smiled, knowing how in just a few short minutes, Erin would make all those people fall in love with her. what better spokesperson could cancer and cancer research have, than this woman whose smile lit up a room and made you feel like she was family. I just knew ever person she met would end up sending money or supporting her cause.
Everyone talks about how different America has been since September 11, 2001. There is a small (comparatively to the population of America) core of people for whom life after September 11th is so changed, that the life before it hardly seems like it belonged to the same person. While not due directly to that incident, I feel as though from that day on, my life has done a complete 180. The month or so following September 11th, were tough on our family. My father, who checked out of the WTC Marriott less than 30 minutes before the first plane attacked, was dealing (we believe), not only with that incident, but with some distant part of his memory from Vietnam. It took alot of rallying around him to help him deal with much of his experience from that day. And, little did I know then, but about 3 months from that day, I would have my heart truly broken, quit my job and move home to deal with the aftermath of my "tragedy".
Erin's family changed that day too. Erin was on her New york leg of her trip on September 11th. She was staying with friends, and while not in the immediate area, deeply affected by what happened. We would not learn until a few weeks later, just exactly why this incident hit Erin especially hard. During Erin's Strikeoutcancer tour, she found a lump in her breast. Upon returning home, Erin learned that it was indeed cancer. She opted for chemotherapy and was positive she would beat this disease. On August 9, 2002, I logged onto our NTT website board I started and Erin had posted this message to us all:
[8/9/2002 10:49:41 AM | erin hamilton]
Hello, all. Sorry it took me so long to get here, but when you hear my story, I think you'll forgive my quietness.
Things have been going pretty well with my treatment. I finished my eighth round of chemo in May and started radiation in June for 7 and a half weeks. Unfortunately, toward the middle/end of radiation I just started feeling really, really sick, and we couldn't figure out what it was coming from. I was getting horrible headaches. As first we thought they might be migraines, but they lasted for a month without reprieve, no matter what medication I tried. It got to a point where I couldn't even lay my head on the pillow without causing incredible pain. One night it got so bad I actually started hallucinating that there were a group of people (nice people, at least) walking around my apartment, kind of like the inhabitants of the movie The Sixth Sense. The next morning I went into my doctor's office, he took one look at me and checked me into the hospital for a couple of days.
While there, he ran an MRI of my brain, among other tests, and confirmed our suspicsions that the cancer has moved on through my bloodstream into other parts of my body. With certainty, we know that there are now three malignant brain tumors, one on the left frontal lobe, one on the left cerebellum and on on the right parietal occipital. They do not expect that brain surgery would be effective for these, as they are quite spread out, but there is an option of treatment that looks to be very, very, good. They have already started treating the brain with a low dose radiation, to the whole thing, with the hope of eradicating any demon cancer cells that may just be sitting around but not large enough to see in tumor form. The next step, which they will start next week, is a radiation treatment called IMRT, which is kind of like playing a highly targeted game of Asteroids with my brain tumors. They plot out a computer plan, then use a face mask and a radar gun to get the radiation to where it needs to go. Each of these sessions lasts about half an hour, and I will have twenty of them, every weekday for four weeks. So, come the middle of September, I fully expect to see myself cancer free, and would appreciate your good thoughts, prayers, energy, or whatever you believe in to help me get there.
I can not explain how strong my belief is that this is going to turn out well. They've thrown some pretty scary words at me, like "Stage IV Cancer", "low survival rates", and things like that, but I somehow really have this feeling that this treatment is going to be exactly what I need and will take care of everything. I have incredible doctors that make me feel listened to and cared for and a team of nurses and office staff that are behind me 100% (not to mention the best friends in the world). I'm sorry I've been out of touch, but you have never been far from my thoughts. I listen to your cds often, and still think that was the sweetest gift I've gotten since this whole thing started out. Your thoughts and kindness mean very much to me! Love, Erin
As you can imagine, we were all devestated. I wanted to fly out and sit by her side-hold her hand-make things lighter and easier. but, I couldn't see Erin ever accepting my offer. She never seemed to doubt for a minute that she was stronger than this disease. We prayed, I sent emails she didn't have to answer, I tried calling, but her voicemail box was always full. I was never surprised. I'm sure she was surrounded by people who loved her and wanted to help her. We learned that on November 21, 2002 Erin had passed away.
I can't really say it's been hard on me. Erin was such a wonderful person. She was so full of life and energy and love. Every person she met (and there were LOTS) she touched and changed their lives forever. Erin had a way of making you want to take the trip you'd always wanted to, to try bungee jumping b/c it seemed exciting, to pick up and try something new...to make you want to fit as much into every second of every day as you could. She, apologizing for the corny Jack Nicklson quote, made you want to be a better person, if only to try and keep up with her! :) And for this reason, I know there are so many people she touched, so many people who will be better people because of her.
As for an emotion, I am pretty torn. I wish I could say I was terribly sad. But I'm not. I can't see Erin slowing down, cancer or no. I really think it's hard to keep a spirit that big and full of life trapped in a body unable to house it. Suffering and being "sapped" is not Erin's style. What makes me sad, is the thing I never got to do, or say...all the times I should've called, or emailed, or gone to see her. I'm sad for me, not for her. And the truth is, I can't really say I know she's gone. Every once in awhile, since Thanksgiving, I want to call her. See how's she's doing. More like the message we got at Thanksgiving was that she's cancer-free and Erin's out running around, living life again. And maybe she is. Every once in awhile, I can see Erin, arriving at Heaven, met by her parents. Then running around hugging all those she knows...and then off, to fulfill her spirit. Perhaps her first stop...Field of Dreams.
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Hey Guys! I've been so busy I am usually asleep before I hit the pillow. It's ashame too b/c I've got so much to say! :)
The biggest point is that I had a phone interview yesterday that went pretty well with Methodist College in Fayetteville, NC. The Administration feels they might get more applicants if they search in May, so they MIGHT open the search up in the spring. Got home last night from a Christmas party I went to with mom and there was a message from GMU about trying to schedule an interview with them! (Near SO MANY of you guys!!!) I'm pretty excited about that one!
In other news, I heard from Mike that Neil and Christy are headed to Vegas to "support" Shabosky as he gets engaged. You know that kicked in the stomach feeling? Yeah, since I heard that...me too. I guess I just feel that for milestones in Neil and his friends lives, I should be the one standing by his side. It sucks! Part of me hopes he gets married soon #1 b/c I bet everyone she'd be pregnant or rope him into marriage a year from when I left and the time's almost up and #2 maybe it will help me finally put these feelings behind me, so they don't keep popping up and surpising me just when I think they're gone!
I can't believe Christmas is already here, and before you know it...Super Bowl will be here and so will my 1 year anniversary of the big move back to NJ. It feels like I've been away from NC forever!!! (and trapped feeling like this for more than just one year...but then I guess when you consider the whole year before I moved was the same way...maybe 2 years isn't so short!)
Since I've been running around trying to save the world, I have gotten NO Christmas shopping done. So, if some of you get your presents late...I'm sorry. Also, Hank, I hope you are doing o.k. More importantly I hope your wife has recovered from that nasty Deja Vu you scared her with!!! ;) I'm sending you my thoughts and prayers. (Oh, BTW, this came up in our house Sunday when mom said she was cutting you slack about only having 10 wins...til I pointed out she only had 9!!! ;) )
Anyway, here's a little song lyric break to hold you over til I get the time to write about Erin (which I SO want to do lately!) and write more about me...which I know you all love!
These Days
Rascal Flatts
Hey baby, is that you? Wow, your hair got so long!
Yeah, yeah, I love it, I really do.
Norma Jean ain't song we'd sing in the car driving down town.
Top down, makin' the rounds, checkin' out the bands on Doheny Avenue.
Yeah, life throws you curves but you learn to swerve.
Me, I swung and I missed, and the next thing you know,
I'm into missin': dreamin' on dreams, wishin' on wishes.
Like you would be back again.
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I head off to my job: guess not much has changed.
Punch the card, head for home, check the 'phone, just in case.
Go to bed, dream of you:
That's what I'm doin' these days.
Yeah, that's what I'm doin'.
Someone told me, after college, you ran off to Vegas.
You married a rodeo cowboy, why, that ain't the girl I knew.
Me, I've been a few places, mostly here and there one or twice.
Still sortin' out life but I'm doin' all right,
Yeah, it's good to see you too.
Well, hey girl, you're late, and those planes, they don't wait.
But if you ever come back around this sleepy old town,
Promise me, you'll stop in to see an old friend, and until then:
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I head off to my job: guess not much has changed.
Punch the card, head for home, check the 'phone, just in case.
Go to bed, dream of you:
That's what I'm doin' these........
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
The biggest point is that I had a phone interview yesterday that went pretty well with Methodist College in Fayetteville, NC. The Administration feels they might get more applicants if they search in May, so they MIGHT open the search up in the spring. Got home last night from a Christmas party I went to with mom and there was a message from GMU about trying to schedule an interview with them! (Near SO MANY of you guys!!!) I'm pretty excited about that one!
In other news, I heard from Mike that Neil and Christy are headed to Vegas to "support" Shabosky as he gets engaged. You know that kicked in the stomach feeling? Yeah, since I heard that...me too. I guess I just feel that for milestones in Neil and his friends lives, I should be the one standing by his side. It sucks! Part of me hopes he gets married soon #1 b/c I bet everyone she'd be pregnant or rope him into marriage a year from when I left and the time's almost up and #2 maybe it will help me finally put these feelings behind me, so they don't keep popping up and surpising me just when I think they're gone!
I can't believe Christmas is already here, and before you know it...Super Bowl will be here and so will my 1 year anniversary of the big move back to NJ. It feels like I've been away from NC forever!!! (and trapped feeling like this for more than just one year...but then I guess when you consider the whole year before I moved was the same way...maybe 2 years isn't so short!)
Since I've been running around trying to save the world, I have gotten NO Christmas shopping done. So, if some of you get your presents late...I'm sorry. Also, Hank, I hope you are doing o.k. More importantly I hope your wife has recovered from that nasty Deja Vu you scared her with!!! ;) I'm sending you my thoughts and prayers. (Oh, BTW, this came up in our house Sunday when mom said she was cutting you slack about only having 10 wins...til I pointed out she only had 9!!! ;) )
Anyway, here's a little song lyric break to hold you over til I get the time to write about Erin (which I SO want to do lately!) and write more about me...which I know you all love!
These Days
Rascal Flatts
Hey baby, is that you? Wow, your hair got so long!
Yeah, yeah, I love it, I really do.
Norma Jean ain't song we'd sing in the car driving down town.
Top down, makin' the rounds, checkin' out the bands on Doheny Avenue.
Yeah, life throws you curves but you learn to swerve.
Me, I swung and I missed, and the next thing you know,
I'm into missin': dreamin' on dreams, wishin' on wishes.
Like you would be back again.
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I head off to my job: guess not much has changed.
Punch the card, head for home, check the 'phone, just in case.
Go to bed, dream of you:
That's what I'm doin' these days.
Yeah, that's what I'm doin'.
Someone told me, after college, you ran off to Vegas.
You married a rodeo cowboy, why, that ain't the girl I knew.
Me, I've been a few places, mostly here and there one or twice.
Still sortin' out life but I'm doin' all right,
Yeah, it's good to see you too.
Well, hey girl, you're late, and those planes, they don't wait.
But if you ever come back around this sleepy old town,
Promise me, you'll stop in to see an old friend, and until then:
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I head off to my job: guess not much has changed.
Punch the card, head for home, check the 'phone, just in case.
Go to bed, dream of you:
That's what I'm doin' these........
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
I wake up and teardrops, they fall down like rain.
I put on that old song, we danced to, and then,
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Alright, here we go. I'm sorry I have not written in awhile. It seems like I haven't had any free time, but I'm sure that cannot be true. Anyway, While I struggle trying to make the reality of Erin being gone sink in, I've been trying to write a blog about her, but as of yet, it is not complete. And I didn't want to not write anything just b/ cit wasn't done, so here's the life nutshell since the last post.
I got a call on the Tuesday after the wedding to see if I could work Wed. and Mon. around Thanksgiving at a school in Deptford called St. John of God. It is a school for mentally disabled children and adults. So I worked Wed. fighting traffic and arriving about 20 minutes late b/c of it. (not to mention I had trouble getting out of bed since I'm not used to being up AND I'm off my Pill - sorry guys - so my poor body thinks every day is the end of the month. Gotta get my natural hormones back in check. Anyway...) Lisa, the Purchaser, stayed with me most of the day I was there (I left at 2:30 b/c I told them when I said I'd do it that I had an appointment to get my hair cut at 3pm.). It was nice, but I was shy (can you believe it) and didn't much feel like talking about me. The highlight of Wed. was the parade of 4 year olds that went by my desk. SO cute!
So, my baking day out the window, we scrapped the football game at my mom's high school so I could make dinner (and b/c it was 30 degrees outside and we're not really nuts, no matter how we come off! :) ). I was just coming out of the shower I jumped into quickly before everyone arrived when Don called me from Wisconsin to tell me he had tried to call Erin and her phone had been disconnected. You all know how this ends, so I found out from the website just as my grandparents and uncle arrived for dinner. I cried a little, emailed everyone, and then called Don. Told mom, found her after she locked herself in the bathroom, to make sure she was o.k. Then headed downstairs b/c dad was trying to do the potatoes for me, but they had lumps and he wasn't sure how to fix it. (As they were when I got down there, he'd added alot of milk, so they resembled Neil's hand mashed variety...but since Neil's were always good and not runny, I knew Dad's would be good too.) The rest of the day went pretty well. I hand made everything (except one batch of stuffing that wasn't cornbread, since dad doesn't like it, and was Stove Top; and the pie crust to two of the pies. Did the third one from scratch, with g-mom.) As soon as we'd gobbled down dinner (which took all of 10 minutes. No kidding. I had a pie in the oven that had to go to a lower temp after 10 minutes and we finished eating just as the timer went off.), I was back in the kitchen making 2 lasagnas for Friday night's dinner. Since my uncle was in town, I thought my grandmother might try and cook (or go out, which she doesn't do well much either. She hardly orders anything, can't read the menu and gets tired quickly), so I made a lasagna for them to take home for dinner and hey, what's one extra...one for us. We watched football, chatted, ate pie, visited with Sean when he stopped by and off to bed. Day over! :)
Friday is our tree day! I got to sleep in, then off to pick out or Christmas tree. We get a fresh cut one every year, so Black Friday is the day we trudge through the field...feeling rustic and settler-ish to pull the tag off our tree! :) O.k., so maybe the settlers didn't have tags and organized tree fields, but at least we don't take the tractor to the trees...we walk! :) (And this year, almost lost 2 family members into the creek as we scrunched to the side of the path we thought we were lost on as the tractor went by!) Then, off to lunch. As family bonding time was over, we made our way home and all split up. I, being the brave one I am, ventured to Wal-Mart and endured the joy of the holiday listening to not one single person in the store speak English. (Even thought Jill told me ebonics is technically English, if I can't understand it...not English! :) ) Then to the grocery store b/c mom hadn't planned anything ahead of time for the family gathering on Saturday and needed some groceries. Then, finally home! :) YEA!!!! And Lasagna!!!! YEA!!!!
Saturday, I felt like I was up early...whether or not anyone agrees that 9 is early is irrelevant. Jill and I headed to Trish's mom's house for Bridal dress shopping. It was a fun day and the dress she picked is gorgeous. I was getting nervous, b/c I wasn't really moved by any of the ones until that one. One wedding dress, lunch and a Green Apple Martini later, we were back at my house to hang with the fam. After going through pictures my grandmother had brought, eating, and trying to find reason for a life that doesn't seem to have one at the moment, Saturday too had passed. Whew! Is anyone else exhausted yet?
Sunday Dad and I headed to the gym. We needed it! :) Then we met mom at the diner for lunch and headed out to find mom a dress for my Aunt Lois' daughter's wedding which is this Saturday. (the fiasco wedding...which gets better...more to come on that! :) ) We procured one very nice dress for mom, an even nicer New Year's Eve outfit (glad someone has plans), a new cell phone avec accessories for me, and home to watch the Eagles eek one out over St. Louis. (Mike, if you're reading this, 2 quick things. One, We are sorry Feeley couldn't play all 4 against your Niners, but even still, I'm sure the result would've been the same! and Two, if you speak with Neil, please mention to him I would like to thank Ricky Proehl for letting so many balls slip right through his fingers! Wee need more oppnents like him! :) ) Off to bed...gotta work tomorrow.
Funny thing about life, just when you think you might have a handle on yours, it changes. I was feeling a little more confident as I headed into St. John's this morning. Can't quite pinpoint the exact day or time I became shy or introverted, but I don't like it...even though it feels so "safe". Apparently I get 2 breaks and an hour lunch. Vunderbar! So, the head guy for the receptionist pops his head in and says a woman named Carol will be relieving me for my breaks. Promptly at 10am, a sweet woman (about 35 or so) named Carol pops in all loud and friendly and shoos me out to the bathroom, stretch my legs, whatever! Well, you know me, I can't just roam aimlessly, so I bathroomed, looked around a bit and headed back to Carol. We began talking and chatted about how and why I had moved back to Jersey, how frustrating it was looking for a job, etc., etc., etc. Then, break ended. Time passed and Carol appeared again, shooing me off to the mall for lunch. Take an hour. Get some shopping done. Shopping, pfft...I only had so much money and no more looked like it would be rolling in, so I called Jill and met her for lunch. Mom's treat, unbeknownst at the time to her! :) (I DID tell her, just not until after.) And headed back to my cubby center with the 100 extensions and 10 phone lines. And a Speaker to page people. Poor Rob...he must have peeked his head out to simultaneously compliment me and ask me to speak up when paging 3 or 4 times. Sorry, I digress...
It is sometime between lunch and my next break I decided Catholics have an express direct line. Somehow, in my conversation with Carol, my message was heard and answered. (Now? After 1 year of begging, pleading, crying, asking, barganing, etc? All it took was standing surrounded by brothers? -Umm...who were all from Ireland and I could have listened to them read me the phone book and listened for days! :) ) Dad called and said my uncle was weeks behind and they needed help. Since I was not working, the holidays were coming, and I had worked there doing just about everything on breaks from college, would I please come help? Sure. See ya at 10am tomorrow (Tuesday). About 15 minutes later, Manpower called. Destination Imagination (D.I.) had hit another busy time and was I available. They asked for me specifically. So, I told them about my uncle and arranged to head to D.I.Wed. - Fri. in the morning and start from 9-5 the following week. I called my uncle and told him what was going on and told him I'd be there Tuesday all day beginning at 10, as promised, but then from 12-5 or 6 the rest of this week and was that o.k.? Anything. He said.
So, I took my 3pm break just sitting talking to Carol and then she was off again...but not before making it her solomn effort to find me a job at St. John of God. (and calling about 3 or 4 times to tell me about different things) I began thinking about Physical Therapy and how for all the reasons I didn't want to take that step, this...what they did at St. John's was all the right reasons to do it. As I was getting ready to leave in an hour, the time was about 3:30, the sweetest thing happened. A little face appeared at my side. He left his dad and walked right under the little swing partition to get in and out of my glass enclosed desk. We began to talk. Well, I began to talk. What did he have there? A sticker? His dad, from behind the little partition informed me that he usually stopped in and said good-bye to the woman for whom I was covering. As the little face again stretched out his sticker, Dad told me the face was 3 today! Iwished him a Happy Birthday and he said, "happy!". They were on their way home to bake a cake. so the little face gave me a high five and then...the sweetest little fish face saddled right up next to me and kissed me goodbye! I couldn't help it, I cried. (teared actually) And just like that, under the partition he went, off to his cake and to find a home for his sticker. And for the rest of the day, that spot of my face burned. The littlest angel sent down to wish me happy...sealing it with a kiss. I still don't think I've come down from that cloud! :)
So, home I went knowing the next day (yesterday) I was facing steady income. So, Tuesday I headed to my Uncle Eddie's and was faced with disaster. The bank statements we were working on getting out to the customers were dated 11-20-02! This was worse than I thought! there was still end of the month stuff for 6 banks to be done and they were late! not only that, the early months statements would be coming in soon. Somebody needed to help. And, as you all know, somewhere in my little brain, I can save everybody. If there is trouble...I will swoop in and save the day. (I think that's why I get so attached when I finally find someone I will let save me and mine. It is rare.) So, upon leaving I signed up for one hour a night, if not two, every night from now until they get caught up, after I leave D.I. at 5pm! I know...I'm nuts. But it gets better! Read on! So, I got one whole set of one whole bank done before I conned Jill into coming to work and then we'd kidnap mom for a nice, long, italian dinner at my favorite italitan place, Tarentella's. Which we did, then I came home and collapsed into bed.
Today...well, as Austin Powers said, "I'm spent!". I got to D.I. at 9am, got all caught up with everyone, did company Christmas cards, and the mail. At about this time my new phone began ringing (I'd forgotten to turn it off) and it was my mom. The dental consulting place I had worked for wanted to know if I would help with their newsletters. Can I do it at home? Sure! Another call? I am needed? Sign me up! Send the newsletter stuff home with mom and I'll take care of it! Whew! Time to go!
So I sailed out the door at noon to head to Convergent (my uncle's place). I swung by Arby's and arrived at 12:30pm to a desk full of mismatches and lost stuff for me to fix. The worst job in the place (just b/c it's a pain in the butt) and I was loving it! (Um...does this surprise anyone?!?!?!) Out the door at 4:45pm and off to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner before heading home, then with dad to the gym, and home to check in with you all before heading to bed! Is it any wonder I'm hoping for a snowed in day tomorrow! :) (I saw the weather Durham is getting and I'm SO jealous. I'd LOVE to be snowed in. Although, being snowed in at home is not as fun as getting snowed in "at home" in Greensboro was the one year, but then I haven't found anything as right as that yet. -If I had, you all could stop hearing me go on and on about the "N" word.)
So, If I'm not around alot in the next few days, you all now know why! I'm done at D.I. following the Christmas party on the 23rd and at Convergent probably around the same time. I am looking into work at St. John's and might even go back to school. Heaven help me! Either for P.T. or P.A. (Kristina...wanna talk me out of it? I'm open to peer pressure! :) :) ) And, I'll be finishing my licensure soon, so I'll be an eligible A.T.C. again. I figure maybe it's a sign that I can't find a job doing anything but that or that I can diagnose injuries via t.v.at the moment of injury. And although it causes me ojeta, can it be ignored? And maybe if I can get my career back on track, the rest of life will fall into place. And maybe no matter how much I fight, I can't change my life into something it's not supposed to be, or to have people in it that aren't supposed to be...no matter how much I want it, or how much I miss them.
I hope you all are doing well! (Michael Kramer...you'd better get better! I said so!) I'll talk to you all soon...I hope! ;)
I got a call on the Tuesday after the wedding to see if I could work Wed. and Mon. around Thanksgiving at a school in Deptford called St. John of God. It is a school for mentally disabled children and adults. So I worked Wed. fighting traffic and arriving about 20 minutes late b/c of it. (not to mention I had trouble getting out of bed since I'm not used to being up AND I'm off my Pill - sorry guys - so my poor body thinks every day is the end of the month. Gotta get my natural hormones back in check. Anyway...) Lisa, the Purchaser, stayed with me most of the day I was there (I left at 2:30 b/c I told them when I said I'd do it that I had an appointment to get my hair cut at 3pm.). It was nice, but I was shy (can you believe it) and didn't much feel like talking about me. The highlight of Wed. was the parade of 4 year olds that went by my desk. SO cute!
So, my baking day out the window, we scrapped the football game at my mom's high school so I could make dinner (and b/c it was 30 degrees outside and we're not really nuts, no matter how we come off! :) ). I was just coming out of the shower I jumped into quickly before everyone arrived when Don called me from Wisconsin to tell me he had tried to call Erin and her phone had been disconnected. You all know how this ends, so I found out from the website just as my grandparents and uncle arrived for dinner. I cried a little, emailed everyone, and then called Don. Told mom, found her after she locked herself in the bathroom, to make sure she was o.k. Then headed downstairs b/c dad was trying to do the potatoes for me, but they had lumps and he wasn't sure how to fix it. (As they were when I got down there, he'd added alot of milk, so they resembled Neil's hand mashed variety...but since Neil's were always good and not runny, I knew Dad's would be good too.) The rest of the day went pretty well. I hand made everything (except one batch of stuffing that wasn't cornbread, since dad doesn't like it, and was Stove Top; and the pie crust to two of the pies. Did the third one from scratch, with g-mom.) As soon as we'd gobbled down dinner (which took all of 10 minutes. No kidding. I had a pie in the oven that had to go to a lower temp after 10 minutes and we finished eating just as the timer went off.), I was back in the kitchen making 2 lasagnas for Friday night's dinner. Since my uncle was in town, I thought my grandmother might try and cook (or go out, which she doesn't do well much either. She hardly orders anything, can't read the menu and gets tired quickly), so I made a lasagna for them to take home for dinner and hey, what's one extra...one for us. We watched football, chatted, ate pie, visited with Sean when he stopped by and off to bed. Day over! :)
Friday is our tree day! I got to sleep in, then off to pick out or Christmas tree. We get a fresh cut one every year, so Black Friday is the day we trudge through the field...feeling rustic and settler-ish to pull the tag off our tree! :) O.k., so maybe the settlers didn't have tags and organized tree fields, but at least we don't take the tractor to the trees...we walk! :) (And this year, almost lost 2 family members into the creek as we scrunched to the side of the path we thought we were lost on as the tractor went by!) Then, off to lunch. As family bonding time was over, we made our way home and all split up. I, being the brave one I am, ventured to Wal-Mart and endured the joy of the holiday listening to not one single person in the store speak English. (Even thought Jill told me ebonics is technically English, if I can't understand it...not English! :) ) Then to the grocery store b/c mom hadn't planned anything ahead of time for the family gathering on Saturday and needed some groceries. Then, finally home! :) YEA!!!! And Lasagna!!!! YEA!!!!
Saturday, I felt like I was up early...whether or not anyone agrees that 9 is early is irrelevant. Jill and I headed to Trish's mom's house for Bridal dress shopping. It was a fun day and the dress she picked is gorgeous. I was getting nervous, b/c I wasn't really moved by any of the ones until that one. One wedding dress, lunch and a Green Apple Martini later, we were back at my house to hang with the fam. After going through pictures my grandmother had brought, eating, and trying to find reason for a life that doesn't seem to have one at the moment, Saturday too had passed. Whew! Is anyone else exhausted yet?
Sunday Dad and I headed to the gym. We needed it! :) Then we met mom at the diner for lunch and headed out to find mom a dress for my Aunt Lois' daughter's wedding which is this Saturday. (the fiasco wedding...which gets better...more to come on that! :) ) We procured one very nice dress for mom, an even nicer New Year's Eve outfit (glad someone has plans), a new cell phone avec accessories for me, and home to watch the Eagles eek one out over St. Louis. (Mike, if you're reading this, 2 quick things. One, We are sorry Feeley couldn't play all 4 against your Niners, but even still, I'm sure the result would've been the same! and Two, if you speak with Neil, please mention to him I would like to thank Ricky Proehl for letting so many balls slip right through his fingers! Wee need more oppnents like him! :) ) Off to bed...gotta work tomorrow.
Funny thing about life, just when you think you might have a handle on yours, it changes. I was feeling a little more confident as I headed into St. John's this morning. Can't quite pinpoint the exact day or time I became shy or introverted, but I don't like it...even though it feels so "safe". Apparently I get 2 breaks and an hour lunch. Vunderbar! So, the head guy for the receptionist pops his head in and says a woman named Carol will be relieving me for my breaks. Promptly at 10am, a sweet woman (about 35 or so) named Carol pops in all loud and friendly and shoos me out to the bathroom, stretch my legs, whatever! Well, you know me, I can't just roam aimlessly, so I bathroomed, looked around a bit and headed back to Carol. We began talking and chatted about how and why I had moved back to Jersey, how frustrating it was looking for a job, etc., etc., etc. Then, break ended. Time passed and Carol appeared again, shooing me off to the mall for lunch. Take an hour. Get some shopping done. Shopping, pfft...I only had so much money and no more looked like it would be rolling in, so I called Jill and met her for lunch. Mom's treat, unbeknownst at the time to her! :) (I DID tell her, just not until after.) And headed back to my cubby center with the 100 extensions and 10 phone lines. And a Speaker to page people. Poor Rob...he must have peeked his head out to simultaneously compliment me and ask me to speak up when paging 3 or 4 times. Sorry, I digress...
It is sometime between lunch and my next break I decided Catholics have an express direct line. Somehow, in my conversation with Carol, my message was heard and answered. (Now? After 1 year of begging, pleading, crying, asking, barganing, etc? All it took was standing surrounded by brothers? -Umm...who were all from Ireland and I could have listened to them read me the phone book and listened for days! :) ) Dad called and said my uncle was weeks behind and they needed help. Since I was not working, the holidays were coming, and I had worked there doing just about everything on breaks from college, would I please come help? Sure. See ya at 10am tomorrow (Tuesday). About 15 minutes later, Manpower called. Destination Imagination (D.I.) had hit another busy time and was I available. They asked for me specifically. So, I told them about my uncle and arranged to head to D.I.Wed. - Fri. in the morning and start from 9-5 the following week. I called my uncle and told him what was going on and told him I'd be there Tuesday all day beginning at 10, as promised, but then from 12-5 or 6 the rest of this week and was that o.k.? Anything. He said.
So, I took my 3pm break just sitting talking to Carol and then she was off again...but not before making it her solomn effort to find me a job at St. John of God. (and calling about 3 or 4 times to tell me about different things) I began thinking about Physical Therapy and how for all the reasons I didn't want to take that step, this...what they did at St. John's was all the right reasons to do it. As I was getting ready to leave in an hour, the time was about 3:30, the sweetest thing happened. A little face appeared at my side. He left his dad and walked right under the little swing partition to get in and out of my glass enclosed desk. We began to talk. Well, I began to talk. What did he have there? A sticker? His dad, from behind the little partition informed me that he usually stopped in and said good-bye to the woman for whom I was covering. As the little face again stretched out his sticker, Dad told me the face was 3 today! Iwished him a Happy Birthday and he said, "happy!". They were on their way home to bake a cake. so the little face gave me a high five and then...the sweetest little fish face saddled right up next to me and kissed me goodbye! I couldn't help it, I cried. (teared actually) And just like that, under the partition he went, off to his cake and to find a home for his sticker. And for the rest of the day, that spot of my face burned. The littlest angel sent down to wish me happy...sealing it with a kiss. I still don't think I've come down from that cloud! :)
So, home I went knowing the next day (yesterday) I was facing steady income. So, Tuesday I headed to my Uncle Eddie's and was faced with disaster. The bank statements we were working on getting out to the customers were dated 11-20-02! This was worse than I thought! there was still end of the month stuff for 6 banks to be done and they were late! not only that, the early months statements would be coming in soon. Somebody needed to help. And, as you all know, somewhere in my little brain, I can save everybody. If there is trouble...I will swoop in and save the day. (I think that's why I get so attached when I finally find someone I will let save me and mine. It is rare.) So, upon leaving I signed up for one hour a night, if not two, every night from now until they get caught up, after I leave D.I. at 5pm! I know...I'm nuts. But it gets better! Read on! So, I got one whole set of one whole bank done before I conned Jill into coming to work and then we'd kidnap mom for a nice, long, italian dinner at my favorite italitan place, Tarentella's. Which we did, then I came home and collapsed into bed.
Today...well, as Austin Powers said, "I'm spent!". I got to D.I. at 9am, got all caught up with everyone, did company Christmas cards, and the mail. At about this time my new phone began ringing (I'd forgotten to turn it off) and it was my mom. The dental consulting place I had worked for wanted to know if I would help with their newsletters. Can I do it at home? Sure! Another call? I am needed? Sign me up! Send the newsletter stuff home with mom and I'll take care of it! Whew! Time to go!
So I sailed out the door at noon to head to Convergent (my uncle's place). I swung by Arby's and arrived at 12:30pm to a desk full of mismatches and lost stuff for me to fix. The worst job in the place (just b/c it's a pain in the butt) and I was loving it! (Um...does this surprise anyone?!?!?!) Out the door at 4:45pm and off to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner before heading home, then with dad to the gym, and home to check in with you all before heading to bed! Is it any wonder I'm hoping for a snowed in day tomorrow! :) (I saw the weather Durham is getting and I'm SO jealous. I'd LOVE to be snowed in. Although, being snowed in at home is not as fun as getting snowed in "at home" in Greensboro was the one year, but then I haven't found anything as right as that yet. -If I had, you all could stop hearing me go on and on about the "N" word.)
So, If I'm not around alot in the next few days, you all now know why! I'm done at D.I. following the Christmas party on the 23rd and at Convergent probably around the same time. I am looking into work at St. John's and might even go back to school. Heaven help me! Either for P.T. or P.A. (Kristina...wanna talk me out of it? I'm open to peer pressure! :) :) ) And, I'll be finishing my licensure soon, so I'll be an eligible A.T.C. again. I figure maybe it's a sign that I can't find a job doing anything but that or that I can diagnose injuries via t.v.at the moment of injury. And although it causes me ojeta, can it be ignored? And maybe if I can get my career back on track, the rest of life will fall into place. And maybe no matter how much I fight, I can't change my life into something it's not supposed to be, or to have people in it that aren't supposed to be...no matter how much I want it, or how much I miss them.
I hope you all are doing well! (Michael Kramer...you'd better get better! I said so!) I'll talk to you all soon...I hope! ;)
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