Alright, here we go. I'm sorry I have not written in awhile. It seems like I haven't had any free time, but I'm sure that cannot be true. Anyway, While I struggle trying to make the reality of Erin being gone sink in, I've been trying to write a blog about her, but as of yet, it is not complete. And I didn't want to not write anything just b/ cit wasn't done, so here's the life nutshell since the last post.

I got a call on the Tuesday after the wedding to see if I could work Wed. and Mon. around Thanksgiving at a school in Deptford called St. John of God. It is a school for mentally disabled children and adults. So I worked Wed. fighting traffic and arriving about 20 minutes late b/c of it. (not to mention I had trouble getting out of bed since I'm not used to being up AND I'm off my Pill - sorry guys - so my poor body thinks every day is the end of the month. Gotta get my natural hormones back in check. Anyway...) Lisa, the Purchaser, stayed with me most of the day I was there (I left at 2:30 b/c I told them when I said I'd do it that I had an appointment to get my hair cut at 3pm.). It was nice, but I was shy (can you believe it) and didn't much feel like talking about me. The highlight of Wed. was the parade of 4 year olds that went by my desk. SO cute!

So, my baking day out the window, we scrapped the football game at my mom's high school so I could make dinner (and b/c it was 30 degrees outside and we're not really nuts, no matter how we come off! :) ). I was just coming out of the shower I jumped into quickly before everyone arrived when Don called me from Wisconsin to tell me he had tried to call Erin and her phone had been disconnected. You all know how this ends, so I found out from the website just as my grandparents and uncle arrived for dinner. I cried a little, emailed everyone, and then called Don. Told mom, found her after she locked herself in the bathroom, to make sure she was o.k. Then headed downstairs b/c dad was trying to do the potatoes for me, but they had lumps and he wasn't sure how to fix it. (As they were when I got down there, he'd added alot of milk, so they resembled Neil's hand mashed variety...but since Neil's were always good and not runny, I knew Dad's would be good too.) The rest of the day went pretty well. I hand made everything (except one batch of stuffing that wasn't cornbread, since dad doesn't like it, and was Stove Top; and the pie crust to two of the pies. Did the third one from scratch, with g-mom.) As soon as we'd gobbled down dinner (which took all of 10 minutes. No kidding. I had a pie in the oven that had to go to a lower temp after 10 minutes and we finished eating just as the timer went off.), I was back in the kitchen making 2 lasagnas for Friday night's dinner. Since my uncle was in town, I thought my grandmother might try and cook (or go out, which she doesn't do well much either. She hardly orders anything, can't read the menu and gets tired quickly), so I made a lasagna for them to take home for dinner and hey, what's one extra...one for us. We watched football, chatted, ate pie, visited with Sean when he stopped by and off to bed. Day over! :)

Friday is our tree day! I got to sleep in, then off to pick out or Christmas tree. We get a fresh cut one every year, so Black Friday is the day we trudge through the field...feeling rustic and settler-ish to pull the tag off our tree! :) O.k., so maybe the settlers didn't have tags and organized tree fields, but at least we don't take the tractor to the trees...we walk! :) (And this year, almost lost 2 family members into the creek as we scrunched to the side of the path we thought we were lost on as the tractor went by!) Then, off to lunch. As family bonding time was over, we made our way home and all split up. I, being the brave one I am, ventured to Wal-Mart and endured the joy of the holiday listening to not one single person in the store speak English. (Even thought Jill told me ebonics is technically English, if I can't understand it...not English! :) ) Then to the grocery store b/c mom hadn't planned anything ahead of time for the family gathering on Saturday and needed some groceries. Then, finally home! :) YEA!!!! And Lasagna!!!! YEA!!!!

Saturday, I felt like I was up early...whether or not anyone agrees that 9 is early is irrelevant. Jill and I headed to Trish's mom's house for Bridal dress shopping. It was a fun day and the dress she picked is gorgeous. I was getting nervous, b/c I wasn't really moved by any of the ones until that one. One wedding dress, lunch and a Green Apple Martini later, we were back at my house to hang with the fam. After going through pictures my grandmother had brought, eating, and trying to find reason for a life that doesn't seem to have one at the moment, Saturday too had passed. Whew! Is anyone else exhausted yet?

Sunday Dad and I headed to the gym. We needed it! :) Then we met mom at the diner for lunch and headed out to find mom a dress for my Aunt Lois' daughter's wedding which is this Saturday. (the fiasco wedding...which gets better...more to come on that! :) ) We procured one very nice dress for mom, an even nicer New Year's Eve outfit (glad someone has plans), a new cell phone avec accessories for me, and home to watch the Eagles eek one out over St. Louis. (Mike, if you're reading this, 2 quick things. One, We are sorry Feeley couldn't play all 4 against your Niners, but even still, I'm sure the result would've been the same! and Two, if you speak with Neil, please mention to him I would like to thank Ricky Proehl for letting so many balls slip right through his fingers! Wee need more oppnents like him! :) ) Off to bed...gotta work tomorrow.

Funny thing about life, just when you think you might have a handle on yours, it changes. I was feeling a little more confident as I headed into St. John's this morning. Can't quite pinpoint the exact day or time I became shy or introverted, but I don't like it...even though it feels so "safe". Apparently I get 2 breaks and an hour lunch. Vunderbar! So, the head guy for the receptionist pops his head in and says a woman named Carol will be relieving me for my breaks. Promptly at 10am, a sweet woman (about 35 or so) named Carol pops in all loud and friendly and shoos me out to the bathroom, stretch my legs, whatever! Well, you know me, I can't just roam aimlessly, so I bathroomed, looked around a bit and headed back to Carol. We began talking and chatted about how and why I had moved back to Jersey, how frustrating it was looking for a job, etc., etc., etc. Then, break ended. Time passed and Carol appeared again, shooing me off to the mall for lunch. Take an hour. Get some shopping done. Shopping, pfft...I only had so much money and no more looked like it would be rolling in, so I called Jill and met her for lunch. Mom's treat, unbeknownst at the time to her! :) (I DID tell her, just not until after.) And headed back to my cubby center with the 100 extensions and 10 phone lines. And a Speaker to page people. Poor Rob...he must have peeked his head out to simultaneously compliment me and ask me to speak up when paging 3 or 4 times. Sorry, I digress...

It is sometime between lunch and my next break I decided Catholics have an express direct line. Somehow, in my conversation with Carol, my message was heard and answered. (Now? After 1 year of begging, pleading, crying, asking, barganing, etc? All it took was standing surrounded by brothers? -Umm...who were all from Ireland and I could have listened to them read me the phone book and listened for days! :) ) Dad called and said my uncle was weeks behind and they needed help. Since I was not working, the holidays were coming, and I had worked there doing just about everything on breaks from college, would I please come help? Sure. See ya at 10am tomorrow (Tuesday). About 15 minutes later, Manpower called. Destination Imagination (D.I.) had hit another busy time and was I available. They asked for me specifically. So, I told them about my uncle and arranged to head to D.I.Wed. - Fri. in the morning and start from 9-5 the following week. I called my uncle and told him what was going on and told him I'd be there Tuesday all day beginning at 10, as promised, but then from 12-5 or 6 the rest of this week and was that o.k.? Anything. He said.

So, I took my 3pm break just sitting talking to Carol and then she was off again...but not before making it her solomn effort to find me a job at St. John of God. (and calling about 3 or 4 times to tell me about different things) I began thinking about Physical Therapy and how for all the reasons I didn't want to take that step, this...what they did at St. John's was all the right reasons to do it. As I was getting ready to leave in an hour, the time was about 3:30, the sweetest thing happened. A little face appeared at my side. He left his dad and walked right under the little swing partition to get in and out of my glass enclosed desk. We began to talk. Well, I began to talk. What did he have there? A sticker? His dad, from behind the little partition informed me that he usually stopped in and said good-bye to the woman for whom I was covering. As the little face again stretched out his sticker, Dad told me the face was 3 today! Iwished him a Happy Birthday and he said, "happy!". They were on their way home to bake a cake. so the little face gave me a high five and then...the sweetest little fish face saddled right up next to me and kissed me goodbye! I couldn't help it, I cried. (teared actually) And just like that, under the partition he went, off to his cake and to find a home for his sticker. And for the rest of the day, that spot of my face burned. The littlest angel sent down to wish me happy...sealing it with a kiss. I still don't think I've come down from that cloud! :)

So, home I went knowing the next day (yesterday) I was facing steady income. So, Tuesday I headed to my Uncle Eddie's and was faced with disaster. The bank statements we were working on getting out to the customers were dated 11-20-02! This was worse than I thought! there was still end of the month stuff for 6 banks to be done and they were late! not only that, the early months statements would be coming in soon. Somebody needed to help. And, as you all know, somewhere in my little brain, I can save everybody. If there is trouble...I will swoop in and save the day. (I think that's why I get so attached when I finally find someone I will let save me and mine. It is rare.) So, upon leaving I signed up for one hour a night, if not two, every night from now until they get caught up, after I leave D.I. at 5pm! I know...I'm nuts. But it gets better! Read on! So, I got one whole set of one whole bank done before I conned Jill into coming to work and then we'd kidnap mom for a nice, long, italian dinner at my favorite italitan place, Tarentella's. Which we did, then I came home and collapsed into bed.

Today...well, as Austin Powers said, "I'm spent!". I got to D.I. at 9am, got all caught up with everyone, did company Christmas cards, and the mail. At about this time my new phone began ringing (I'd forgotten to turn it off) and it was my mom. The dental consulting place I had worked for wanted to know if I would help with their newsletters. Can I do it at home? Sure! Another call? I am needed? Sign me up! Send the newsletter stuff home with mom and I'll take care of it! Whew! Time to go!

So I sailed out the door at noon to head to Convergent (my uncle's place). I swung by Arby's and arrived at 12:30pm to a desk full of mismatches and lost stuff for me to fix. The worst job in the place (just b/c it's a pain in the butt) and I was loving it! (Um...does this surprise anyone?!?!?!) Out the door at 4:45pm and off to the grocery store to get stuff for dinner before heading home, then with dad to the gym, and home to check in with you all before heading to bed! Is it any wonder I'm hoping for a snowed in day tomorrow! :) (I saw the weather Durham is getting and I'm SO jealous. I'd LOVE to be snowed in. Although, being snowed in at home is not as fun as getting snowed in "at home" in Greensboro was the one year, but then I haven't found anything as right as that yet. -If I had, you all could stop hearing me go on and on about the "N" word.)

So, If I'm not around alot in the next few days, you all now know why! I'm done at D.I. following the Christmas party on the 23rd and at Convergent probably around the same time. I am looking into work at St. John's and might even go back to school. Heaven help me! Either for P.T. or P.A. (Kristina...wanna talk me out of it? I'm open to peer pressure! :) :) ) And, I'll be finishing my licensure soon, so I'll be an eligible A.T.C. again. I figure maybe it's a sign that I can't find a job doing anything but that or that I can diagnose injuries via t.v.at the moment of injury. And although it causes me ojeta, can it be ignored? And maybe if I can get my career back on track, the rest of life will fall into place. And maybe no matter how much I fight, I can't change my life into something it's not supposed to be, or to have people in it that aren't supposed to be...no matter how much I want it, or how much I miss them.

I hope you all are doing well! (Michael Kramer...you'd better get better! I said so!) I'll talk to you all soon...I hope! ;)