Soooo....the new year has me down. 2006 was the Year The World Flipped On It's Lid. It started just after January 1st and went totally Biazaro world from there. And now it's 2007. As I do every year, I thought I'd revisit my New Year's Resolutions from last year. THIS is what depressed me. Let's revisit...
(From January 2006) I've decided to break the chain and NOT recycle my howevermanyyearsold New Years Resolutions listed above. I'm creating new ones.....
1) Do something newsworthy. One of the reasons I don't keep in touch well is because I don't really have anything new to ever report to anyone. I want this to change. Good things, maybe yummy scandalous things...but at least something worthy to report to my friends on the phone.
2) Go out on a date. I'm resolving to only one date, because I want to be able to accomplish at least one on this list. Maybe this year I can shake the "He's not Neil" demons and appreciate someone for who they are...at least long enough to get through one date! :)
3)Be the best me I can be! And love the idiosyncratic things about me that may one day make me a great David E. Kelley sitcom! :) (I already do, but maybe accept them and not deny them is a better phrase than love them)I'm sticking with 3. I should be able to accomplish 3. Maybe if I can get through 3, then it disproves the "sticktuitiveness" thing I knew about me at the beginning of this blog. AND, if we throw THAT out the window, then it proves I can change and I don't NEED to accept my idiosyncrases, because I can change, which I think negates number 3. :) So really, maybe I'm only resolving 2 things and everyone else in the world should learn to embrace and love me for me! :) How hard can 2 resolutions be?!?!?!? Here we go, 361 days left. The race is on! :) Happy 2006 Everyone! Hope you get through your list before time runs out! :)"
Sooo....I at least did ONE thing on the list. I did something newsworthy. I bought a house. Granted, I'm not living in my house or enjoying it all that much (as most days I forget I own a house at all), but I bought one. It's newsworthy and gives me something to talk about, if I ever had time to call my friends, which I haven't. (Sorry about that.)
The date thing didn't happen. Let's skip over this one. The choices of dates weren't all that great (not that they were knocking down my door), but they weren't what I wanted. I didn't compare them to Neil, so I guess that's good, but I have a short, but non-negotiable list of what I'm looking for and I'm really not sure they make that man! :)
Which leads to 3. I think I'm worse at this now then I used to be. While I love me emotionally and personalitywise, The physical pretty much reminds me why I'm single again this year. There's not a whole lot I look in the mirror and say, that's not too bad. It used to be my hair and my eyes, skin too. All three of those things have completely betrayed me this year.
So, I thought I could handle 3, accomplish 3 and didn't. At least one of the three got checked off! So, this year, no New Year's Resolutions. No Promises. To be honest, one day rolls into the next and nothing changes. Who can even believe it's another year gone by? Happy 2007.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Saturday, November 04, 2006
Happy Things
Having an unexpected weekend off, I thought I'd list all the things that have happened to me in the last few weeks. Most of them happy. Here goes:
1. Getting flowers at work. It was a total surprise and the card really didn't lend any idea to who sent them. They were a giant, beautiful basket of flowers with a card that read "Thank you for all you do for our students and athletes. Have A Great Day! Your Lenape Family.". No one in my "family" (real or Lenape) claims to know who sent them. It also had 4 or 5 kids who were in the TR when they were delivered thinking I have a boyfriend/male or someone else I'm "hiding" from them! :) It did however turn a crappy, "funk"y, miserable mood I had been in for weeks completely 180 degrees around.
2. My "rituals" with my athletes. These include: one of our football linemen and I signing hip-hop while we tighten his shoulder harness, another linemen and I debating my "tough game" of the NFL football pick week, drawing on the tape job of one of our "never comes off the field" players, the hair tossle of one of our boys' soccer players and the "Would you rather" game with our girls soccer players. I don't think they realize superstition goes both ways in athletics and these rituals mean as much to me as them.
3. My Car. I'm enjoying sitting up high and having space around me. It's worked well so far and I'm happy with my choice, even though I miss my BMW.
4. My hair. I've been having a good hair day/week/month lately. It needs a little color touch-up. I've been debating something alone the lines of
and then I was thinking about just either downtoning to a honey blonde for the winter or going to the lightest highlights in my hair all over. I guess I need to find a colorist and get their opinion.
5. Friday when I showed up to work, we were evacuated due to a bomb threat. I was so proud of the way the kids shared warm clothes they had with each other, followed directions and behaved in such horrible circumstances.
6. Our football team is 3-5 and both of our Soccer teams are playing in the Semi-Finals of the State Tournament.
7. My Little Man has become snuggly. While normally I'd be a little upset that I'm losing sleeping space, he's sleeping the exactly same place Maverick used to sleep.
8. My Gnome Flannel Pajamas. The keep me warm and make me smile. :)
9. AJ's chili. I'm still thinking about it. It was GREAT. Even reheated for lunch Monday.
10. A nice, relaxing weekend doing nothing.
1. Getting flowers at work. It was a total surprise and the card really didn't lend any idea to who sent them. They were a giant, beautiful basket of flowers with a card that read "Thank you for all you do for our students and athletes. Have A Great Day! Your Lenape Family.". No one in my "family" (real or Lenape) claims to know who sent them. It also had 4 or 5 kids who were in the TR when they were delivered thinking I have a boyfriend/male or someone else I'm "hiding" from them! :) It did however turn a crappy, "funk"y, miserable mood I had been in for weeks completely 180 degrees around.
2. My "rituals" with my athletes. These include: one of our football linemen and I signing hip-hop while we tighten his shoulder harness, another linemen and I debating my "tough game" of the NFL football pick week, drawing on the tape job of one of our "never comes off the field" players, the hair tossle of one of our boys' soccer players and the "Would you rather" game with our girls soccer players. I don't think they realize superstition goes both ways in athletics and these rituals mean as much to me as them.
3. My Car. I'm enjoying sitting up high and having space around me. It's worked well so far and I'm happy with my choice, even though I miss my BMW.
4. My hair. I've been having a good hair day/week/month lately. It needs a little color touch-up. I've been debating something alone the lines of
and then I was thinking about just either downtoning to a honey blonde for the winter or going to the lightest highlights in my hair all over. I guess I need to find a colorist and get their opinion.
5. Friday when I showed up to work, we were evacuated due to a bomb threat. I was so proud of the way the kids shared warm clothes they had with each other, followed directions and behaved in such horrible circumstances.
6. Our football team is 3-5 and both of our Soccer teams are playing in the Semi-Finals of the State Tournament.
7. My Little Man has become snuggly. While normally I'd be a little upset that I'm losing sleeping space, he's sleeping the exactly same place Maverick used to sleep.
8. My Gnome Flannel Pajamas. The keep me warm and make me smile. :)
9. AJ's chili. I'm still thinking about it. It was GREAT. Even reheated for lunch Monday.
10. A nice, relaxing weekend doing nothing.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Monday, October 02, 2006
Are You Reeling In The Years?
As I sit in the “waiting hours” before our football game, I am reflecting on something that has been sticking with me and somewhat of a running joke with one of our football players this week. The conversation began as we were talking about my car shopping excursions. He asked if why I was getting rid of my beloved car and I responded by telling him both money and the end of my lease forced me into it. He said that he was surprised this pre-season to learn what I was driving. When I asked him why, he responded “Because it’s fun.”. I was taken aback and quickly answered with “I’m fun!”.
His comment has been sitting in the forefront of my brain since that day earlier this week for a couple of reasons. The first takes me back 3 years to the car shopping process that brought my beloved car and I together. In discussing what I wanted with my mother, I told her “I need a car that is good for when I visit my clients, something that says business and grown-up, but is still fun and young.”. I found my beloved car and decided that for the hand I’d been dealt recently I deserved a little bit of something good and splurged on my car. Only once in the past 3 years have I regretted that decision. Now, faced with the prospect of giving up my car and moving on I am once again faced with the dilemma of “Do I want grown-up and responsible or fun?”.
The second reason hits a little closer to the vest and takes me back 7 years to living in Greensboro. I was 3 years out of college and settled in to life in North Carolina. I had friends I adored and a man in my life I was enjoying being around. Perhaps they are right when they say hindsight is 20/20, but in my memories I appear larger than life, happy, free-spirited and the very image of “young and fun”. As I look at all the time between there and all the events which have transpired and I know I am closer to that person now than the last 5 years. Slowly but surely I am trudging the path back to finding myself and living, not just existing. Still, there is a little piece of me that says “you are holding back! You should go white-water rafting, get a tattoo, color your hair! Who cares what people think. Live your life and enjoy. You only go around once and you should make it memorable.”! There is another piece of me that realizes at 31 I should be more settled. My genes were given with a clock to slow down, nest and be “adult” that the life I was handed has not supplied. The very nature of my job entails I watch my every step for the “being a role model” and every blasted “you live in a fishbowl” speech I heard in college.
The comment has stuck with me because I would LOVE to be having more fun in my life than I am. I have every avenue open to explore and I’m not exploring it. I am vaguely reminded of the line from When Harry Met Sally when Sally is describing her relationship with Joe. (I’m doing this from memory, so bear with me if it’s not exact) “We always said we could fly to Italy on a moments notice or have sex on the kitchen floor. The thing is, we never did. Not even once.”. I guess the questions I need to ask are “what do I want to be doing” and “how do I go about doing it”?
I am constantly reassured by those that are close to me that I am, indeed, fun. Now it’s just proving it again!
His comment has been sitting in the forefront of my brain since that day earlier this week for a couple of reasons. The first takes me back 3 years to the car shopping process that brought my beloved car and I together. In discussing what I wanted with my mother, I told her “I need a car that is good for when I visit my clients, something that says business and grown-up, but is still fun and young.”. I found my beloved car and decided that for the hand I’d been dealt recently I deserved a little bit of something good and splurged on my car. Only once in the past 3 years have I regretted that decision. Now, faced with the prospect of giving up my car and moving on I am once again faced with the dilemma of “Do I want grown-up and responsible or fun?”.
The second reason hits a little closer to the vest and takes me back 7 years to living in Greensboro. I was 3 years out of college and settled in to life in North Carolina. I had friends I adored and a man in my life I was enjoying being around. Perhaps they are right when they say hindsight is 20/20, but in my memories I appear larger than life, happy, free-spirited and the very image of “young and fun”. As I look at all the time between there and all the events which have transpired and I know I am closer to that person now than the last 5 years. Slowly but surely I am trudging the path back to finding myself and living, not just existing. Still, there is a little piece of me that says “you are holding back! You should go white-water rafting, get a tattoo, color your hair! Who cares what people think. Live your life and enjoy. You only go around once and you should make it memorable.”! There is another piece of me that realizes at 31 I should be more settled. My genes were given with a clock to slow down, nest and be “adult” that the life I was handed has not supplied. The very nature of my job entails I watch my every step for the “being a role model” and every blasted “you live in a fishbowl” speech I heard in college.
The comment has stuck with me because I would LOVE to be having more fun in my life than I am. I have every avenue open to explore and I’m not exploring it. I am vaguely reminded of the line from When Harry Met Sally when Sally is describing her relationship with Joe. (I’m doing this from memory, so bear with me if it’s not exact) “We always said we could fly to Italy on a moments notice or have sex on the kitchen floor. The thing is, we never did. Not even once.”. I guess the questions I need to ask are “what do I want to be doing” and “how do I go about doing it”?
I am constantly reassured by those that are close to me that I am, indeed, fun. Now it’s just proving it again!
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Things I Learned Today
I try and impart to my Athletes they should learn one new thing each day. My mom used to say it and I swear it's true. I don't put restrictions on WHAT they learn, because I don't think my mom had alot of things I learned in mind when she told me to learn something new each day, but some days the "fun" stuff was really all I learned that day! :)
So, here are the things I learned today:
* Latte in the morning is SO underrated. I missed mine this morning.
* The kids beginning H.S. in 2007 were born the year I graduated high school!!!!!!!
* There is something to be said for "taking the day off" and spending it with someone who makes you smile. One of my athletes needed to talk today, so I took him out to our Girls' Soccer game with me (instead of making him go watch practice) so we could talk. I think the change of pace today was good for both of us. I am pretty sure with everything going on surrounding his athletics it was good for him to "be away" from it all for awhile. It was good for me too. Definitely felt more like a day goofing off with a friend then working. Sometimes you just need a day like that to get your focus back and feel a little more "sane".
* They need to give out a handbook when you leave college on "things you might experience in the real world". A week and a half ago it hit me just how adult life has become. Granted, at 31 it's about freakin' time, right?!?! IT's weird how you just coast along in life and then one day WHAM! it hits you you've grown up. That moment occurred last week when I was sitting at the bank applying for a loan to buy out the lease on my car. Why that exact moment I'm not really sure. The scope of living and life itself has changed. I look around at my kids and they're excited about driving, thinking about college and talking about dating. I remember those days. I think until that moment in the bank I was pretty sure they were just yesterday. As I walked out of the bank it hit me, those days aren't even rear view material anymore.
Being this age and situation in life puts you in a weird place. I am single. Not really dating, which often leaves me wondering all those stupid girlie questions I never really had to think of before - will I ever meet Mr. Right (or is there even such a thing), get married, have kids and live the life I'd always envisioned for myself if I don't even seem close to it at 31? It also means I still occasionally live like a college student and can get away with it. In one month I will be closing on my first house. (Yep, I know. Why didn't "adult" hit me then?!?!?! :) ) One of my best friends is having her first baby any day now. Another of my best friends is having some marital problems, which is such a far cry from our old advice, which was "If you want to date someone else, or don't like him anymore, just break up with him". Marriage is so much more than that. Life becomes complicated the older you get. (which is really what I learned today for THIS astrik....moving on.)
* I have too many clothes. I guess that's really the gist of it. I have work clothes, working out clothes, going out dancing clothes, dressing up to look responsible clothes (the suits I wear from meetings and basektball games), casual jeans and sweaters for looking nice type clothes, lounge around the house clothes.....just WAY too many clothes with no where to put them. (although with the new house, I have LOTS of closets! :) )
* I need to get better at cleaning, or I need to make more money and hire a maid.
* The kids I work with - past and present are really the greatest kids. I really am lucky to do what I do.
That's it. All that I learned today. :) There were other very specific things about people, but not worth going into here. One other thing before I drift off into sleep....a former LAX player wrote me a BEAUTIFUL email about his experience with me as his Athletic Trainer. I have not been able to get it out of my head. Whenever I have any doubt as to whether or not I am on the right path, on a personal level with my athletes, I think of that email and keep going. I can only hope my athletes know they have touched my life as they say I have touched theirs.
So, here are the things I learned today:
* Latte in the morning is SO underrated. I missed mine this morning.
* The kids beginning H.S. in 2007 were born the year I graduated high school!!!!!!!
* There is something to be said for "taking the day off" and spending it with someone who makes you smile. One of my athletes needed to talk today, so I took him out to our Girls' Soccer game with me (instead of making him go watch practice) so we could talk. I think the change of pace today was good for both of us. I am pretty sure with everything going on surrounding his athletics it was good for him to "be away" from it all for awhile. It was good for me too. Definitely felt more like a day goofing off with a friend then working. Sometimes you just need a day like that to get your focus back and feel a little more "sane".
* They need to give out a handbook when you leave college on "things you might experience in the real world". A week and a half ago it hit me just how adult life has become. Granted, at 31 it's about freakin' time, right?!?! IT's weird how you just coast along in life and then one day WHAM! it hits you you've grown up. That moment occurred last week when I was sitting at the bank applying for a loan to buy out the lease on my car. Why that exact moment I'm not really sure. The scope of living and life itself has changed. I look around at my kids and they're excited about driving, thinking about college and talking about dating. I remember those days. I think until that moment in the bank I was pretty sure they were just yesterday. As I walked out of the bank it hit me, those days aren't even rear view material anymore.
Being this age and situation in life puts you in a weird place. I am single. Not really dating, which often leaves me wondering all those stupid girlie questions I never really had to think of before - will I ever meet Mr. Right (or is there even such a thing), get married, have kids and live the life I'd always envisioned for myself if I don't even seem close to it at 31? It also means I still occasionally live like a college student and can get away with it. In one month I will be closing on my first house. (Yep, I know. Why didn't "adult" hit me then?!?!?! :) ) One of my best friends is having her first baby any day now. Another of my best friends is having some marital problems, which is such a far cry from our old advice, which was "If you want to date someone else, or don't like him anymore, just break up with him". Marriage is so much more than that. Life becomes complicated the older you get. (which is really what I learned today for THIS astrik....moving on.)
* I have too many clothes. I guess that's really the gist of it. I have work clothes, working out clothes, going out dancing clothes, dressing up to look responsible clothes (the suits I wear from meetings and basektball games), casual jeans and sweaters for looking nice type clothes, lounge around the house clothes.....just WAY too many clothes with no where to put them. (although with the new house, I have LOTS of closets! :) )
* I need to get better at cleaning, or I need to make more money and hire a maid.
* The kids I work with - past and present are really the greatest kids. I really am lucky to do what I do.
That's it. All that I learned today. :) There were other very specific things about people, but not worth going into here. One other thing before I drift off into sleep....a former LAX player wrote me a BEAUTIFUL email about his experience with me as his Athletic Trainer. I have not been able to get it out of my head. Whenever I have any doubt as to whether or not I am on the right path, on a personal level with my athletes, I think of that email and keep going. I can only hope my athletes know they have touched my life as they say I have touched theirs.
Monday, August 28, 2006
To "My Little Baseball Pitcher"
To My "Little Baseball Pitcher"
At the end of my seasons, I get my little Seniors a tiny gift. It's just a little something to show them how special I think they are. I usually try and make it meaningful, but not expensive, since there are so many of them! :) The thing I value the most is the card. I spend WAY too much time at Hallmark as it is, but I try and handpick card to match my Seniors. Then I sit down, after I've unwound from my day and write to them about how wonderful they are.
I think it's important to be told how wonderful and special you are and what you mean to other people. It's something that as a society we don't do often. My College Roommate and One Of My Best Friends told me once, in the midst of unbelievable turmoil and it may just have saved my life. Going off to college is a shock and a change and the perfect time to take with you a little piece of something reminding you that in the midst of everything, someone thinks you are extremely special and loved.
Unfortunately this Spring, my Seniors got robbed. The group of Seniors finishing their seasons in the Spring were extremely special to me. It was just too hard to get my head around the fact they were leaving. I sat down and tried to think of words, but they just wouldn't come. I did my best, wrote out the cards and the year ended. While I was sitting in Atlanta at our Annual convention it occurred to me they were gone. I was so sad. I felt like I had so much I wanted to tell them, but the chance had past. People come and go, it's true, but this group, well, I just can't tell you how much fun they were to have around, to see everyday and to be a part of their lives.
My friends hear about the kids I see so much! You guys all know how much I love meeting people and getting to know them and "my kids" are all such great interesting people. I think in the race to educate and put down the youth of America we forget to ENJOY the youth of America and the fact that they are people too. The teachers who take the time to get involved (and not in some icky, "headlines in the newspaper" way) with their students are enriched by the things you learn and take in. I'm a firm believer in the notion that learning in a classroom, school, field or Athletic Training room goes both ways.
Take for example "My Little Baseball Pitcher". BJ is one of the sweetest people I've met. He came to see me today before he goes off to college. So, I decided to take some time here and "re-write" his card. Enjoy.
Dear BJ:
When I first met you two years ago, you were such a sweet goofy kid (no offense). It was my first year working in our High School and you were a Junior who came walking in during baseball season with a BIG smile on your face like you owned the place. We saw you often that Spring always for the same aches and pains. You whined a little, picked on Poor Little CJ made me reprimand you, but always left our AT Room a little lighter and happier place.
The beginning of your Senior Year and our starting Quarterback! I figured our Fall would be filled with you whining and always a little ached and pained, but you weren't. You had every reason to see us and complain, for every game you got beat to heck. You stood in there and were SO tough! Each play you'd pick yourself up with this steely resolve on your face and get back into the game. I learned that resolve came naturally to you. You do anything better than everyone else if you decide you want to do it! You also think you are right about most everything, and usually are. You would argue the color of the sky if you seriously thought it was purple and just may convince everyone around you to agree with you. You are so naturally charismatic, people just want to be in your presence and have you around.
We got a break from you during the winter. Lucky Us! :) Even though it was your "off" season, you found a way to make it to just about every Basketball game as the leader and orchestrator of the "Spirit" bench of students. A natural-born leader!
Next thing we knew, it was baseball season. In you came, lunch in tow (umm...usually French Fries. The way you eat them, is unlike anything I've ever seen and really, can't even describe it, but it will be unforgettable! :) ) for our 20 minutes of you "holding court". It was during baseball I got to see you blossom. There is something about validation of being loved that changes people. It certainly changed you. You weren't as "goofy" to get attention. You walked taller, held your head up and, heaven help us ALL, got a little more confidence in yourself.
Bri, you've got so many terrific things ahead of you in college! I worry about you getting sidetracked and lost in all the freedom college has to offer. I worry about you getting into trouble and wandering off course. I know baseball will keep you focused, but I want you to focus and do well because you've finally found a place to thrive. I hope you find things academically that challenge you and classes you enjoy taking. I wish on you Professors that inspire you to achieve,dream and (here it comes, the "p" word) achieve your enormous potential - instead of the ones in your past which seemed to set off your resolve for being right and proving them wrong. You are the type of person who was made for college. I hope you take every advantage of that.
It is hard for me to express all the great things I hope you find in your future. You are such a sweet, wonderful and caring person with the opportunity to do great things. I hope you do every single one of them. I look forward to hearing from you periodically during your college career. You are so loyal to your friends and family, so close and good at keeping in touch, I don't think this will be a problem. We are all always here if you need anything. (Even Mr. Von Leer. I think he misses you! :) )
Good Luck Brian!!!
Miss V
P.S. - you asked me when I gave you the last card if I attached my favorite quote to it. It wasn't my favorite, just one I thought was fitting for you and where you are in your life. Truth be told, all my favorite quotes are movie quotes and not really "meaningful". Here's one of my favorites (there are so many good ones) from my favorite movie: "You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!" "Lollygaggers!"
At the end of my seasons, I get my little Seniors a tiny gift. It's just a little something to show them how special I think they are. I usually try and make it meaningful, but not expensive, since there are so many of them! :) The thing I value the most is the card. I spend WAY too much time at Hallmark as it is, but I try and handpick card to match my Seniors. Then I sit down, after I've unwound from my day and write to them about how wonderful they are.
I think it's important to be told how wonderful and special you are and what you mean to other people. It's something that as a society we don't do often. My College Roommate and One Of My Best Friends told me once, in the midst of unbelievable turmoil and it may just have saved my life. Going off to college is a shock and a change and the perfect time to take with you a little piece of something reminding you that in the midst of everything, someone thinks you are extremely special and loved.
Unfortunately this Spring, my Seniors got robbed. The group of Seniors finishing their seasons in the Spring were extremely special to me. It was just too hard to get my head around the fact they were leaving. I sat down and tried to think of words, but they just wouldn't come. I did my best, wrote out the cards and the year ended. While I was sitting in Atlanta at our Annual convention it occurred to me they were gone. I was so sad. I felt like I had so much I wanted to tell them, but the chance had past. People come and go, it's true, but this group, well, I just can't tell you how much fun they were to have around, to see everyday and to be a part of their lives.
My friends hear about the kids I see so much! You guys all know how much I love meeting people and getting to know them and "my kids" are all such great interesting people. I think in the race to educate and put down the youth of America we forget to ENJOY the youth of America and the fact that they are people too. The teachers who take the time to get involved (and not in some icky, "headlines in the newspaper" way) with their students are enriched by the things you learn and take in. I'm a firm believer in the notion that learning in a classroom, school, field or Athletic Training room goes both ways.
Take for example "My Little Baseball Pitcher". BJ is one of the sweetest people I've met. He came to see me today before he goes off to college. So, I decided to take some time here and "re-write" his card. Enjoy.
Dear BJ:
When I first met you two years ago, you were such a sweet goofy kid (no offense). It was my first year working in our High School and you were a Junior who came walking in during baseball season with a BIG smile on your face like you owned the place. We saw you often that Spring always for the same aches and pains. You whined a little, picked on Poor Little CJ made me reprimand you, but always left our AT Room a little lighter and happier place.
The beginning of your Senior Year and our starting Quarterback! I figured our Fall would be filled with you whining and always a little ached and pained, but you weren't. You had every reason to see us and complain, for every game you got beat to heck. You stood in there and were SO tough! Each play you'd pick yourself up with this steely resolve on your face and get back into the game. I learned that resolve came naturally to you. You do anything better than everyone else if you decide you want to do it! You also think you are right about most everything, and usually are. You would argue the color of the sky if you seriously thought it was purple and just may convince everyone around you to agree with you. You are so naturally charismatic, people just want to be in your presence and have you around.
We got a break from you during the winter. Lucky Us! :) Even though it was your "off" season, you found a way to make it to just about every Basketball game as the leader and orchestrator of the "Spirit" bench of students. A natural-born leader!
Next thing we knew, it was baseball season. In you came, lunch in tow (umm...usually French Fries. The way you eat them, is unlike anything I've ever seen and really, can't even describe it, but it will be unforgettable! :) ) for our 20 minutes of you "holding court". It was during baseball I got to see you blossom. There is something about validation of being loved that changes people. It certainly changed you. You weren't as "goofy" to get attention. You walked taller, held your head up and, heaven help us ALL, got a little more confidence in yourself.
Bri, you've got so many terrific things ahead of you in college! I worry about you getting sidetracked and lost in all the freedom college has to offer. I worry about you getting into trouble and wandering off course. I know baseball will keep you focused, but I want you to focus and do well because you've finally found a place to thrive. I hope you find things academically that challenge you and classes you enjoy taking. I wish on you Professors that inspire you to achieve,dream and (here it comes, the "p" word) achieve your enormous potential - instead of the ones in your past which seemed to set off your resolve for being right and proving them wrong. You are the type of person who was made for college. I hope you take every advantage of that.
It is hard for me to express all the great things I hope you find in your future. You are such a sweet, wonderful and caring person with the opportunity to do great things. I hope you do every single one of them. I look forward to hearing from you periodically during your college career. You are so loyal to your friends and family, so close and good at keeping in touch, I don't think this will be a problem. We are all always here if you need anything. (Even Mr. Von Leer. I think he misses you! :) )
Good Luck Brian!!!
Miss V
P.S. - you asked me when I gave you the last card if I attached my favorite quote to it. It wasn't my favorite, just one I thought was fitting for you and where you are in your life. Truth be told, all my favorite quotes are movie quotes and not really "meaningful". Here's one of my favorites (there are so many good ones) from my favorite movie: "You lollygag the ball around the infield. You lollygag your way down to first. You lollygag in and out of the dugout. You know what that makes you? Larry!" "Lollygaggers!"
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Where oh Where Does the Time Go
I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've been on here. I'm not even sure if anyone reads this anymore, since I've fallen off the blogging wagon! :) Well, I'm back on for the moment, we'll see how it goes. This might be a total stream of consciousness blog, since I'm WAY too tired to think in a rational pattern. :)
Football started Monday and back to work I went. For whatever reason, this summer didn't ever really feel like a break. I've been stressed and don't know why. I also feel like I've been SO busy and not really doing anything. I know it's all been little things eating away at my "vacation", but nothing newsworthy. I'm enjoying being back to work, although the whining has increased two-fold over last year in my freshman team it seems. I miss some of the players from last year (Football is the only team that has started so far, so I can only comment right now on them. Everyone else begins Monday.) and am glad to see some of the returning ones.
There is one in particular I have a soft spot for and I am so happy to see him (although not happy b/c I've seen him every day the last couple because he's hurt.). I always tell Karen I'd like to find him in a 30 year-old. Today it occurred to me that the sweet, naive, innocence of him will likely be ruined by age 30, so anyone who is similar to him and my age won't REALLY be like him because they'll be hardened.
Please do not miss understand, dear readers (which may only be Aim and Kare at this point), I have no interest in HIM. I just realize the more and more I'm looking at people thinking "What do I really want in a male?" and taking bits and pieces of the things I like in my friends, family and those I'm around often and adding it to my "yes, I want that" and "no, he can't have that" list. Funny, as if I wasn't picky, picky, picky enough, now I'm adding criteria! :) I guess the main thing is knowing what you will and will not compromise or bend on and finding an idea of what you want and are looking for. Sometimes though, when I look at the things I know I like, am attracted to and want in someone I date I start to believe that male doesn't exist!
I have started thinking about dating again. Good sign I guess. Problem is I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of diving off the diving board, I keep sticking my toes in , then running out, then going in a little further and backing out. I think when I last checked in on the topic I had made the resolution to date for dating's sake and whomever asked me, because you never know. After doing this twice (and obvious NOT being able to read guy code! - Kare, did I tell you Jamie emailed me to see if I get time off over the winter? When did I get so out of being able to read them?!?!?!), I realized I like what I like. I've always been this way. Don't know why I'm surprised. I always know what I want in my head, even if I can't explain it.
Take my prom dress. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. After months of shopping for it, still hadn't found it and time was running out. I ended up settling for something close and never really liked it. Maybe I wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe I should've been more open minded. In reality, I was ahead of my time. I see my "ideal" prom dress EVERYWHERE in stores during prom season nowadays. I learned from that experience though. I know I won't be satisfied if I settle for less than I set out to find.
The problem with this is that my overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone is at direct odds with holding out to find someone I think might have over 50% of what I'm looking for. (My prom dress was black and straight. 2 of the 4 or 5 criteria I had for the dress I wanted.) Instead I keep giving false hope to guys who aren't even close to fitting my Top 5 criteria that I won't budge on.
The other problem I'm having is with me. I feel so very overweight and unattractive. I'm not sure I've ever had such self-doubt before. I think I've always had a little confidence inside, even if the self-doubt was overwhelming it. Lately, I feel as if there's none to be had or scraped from any corner of me anywhere. Perhaps it's the "crunch" time of my life. Maybe it's the desire to be loved making me overanalyze why exactly I'm not loved and just picking up on anything. Maybe it's just knowing when I look in the mirror I'm a fat girl in glasses who seems to have lost the shine in her face that used to make me say "see? I'm so pretty. Why don't they see it?" (they being males, of course. Got tons of female friends and family who say "oh please, you're pretty. They'll come around." Good advice for a fat kid.). I don't even see it anymore. Whatever in the universe that keeps trying to break me down, see how long I can hold out before completely shattering my "ego" has won. I'm spent! :) If only I could find some willpower to lose some weight. I'm convinced between that and the glasses I could be pretty again. It seems so paradoxical to me to be turning down dated because they're not everything I want them to be (and yes, I'm shallow. I know it and actually hate to admit it, but looks and instant attraction are HUGE on my Top 5 criteria!)- as if I were too good for them and yet in almost the same breath think I'm a fat, ugly girl lately. Even I don't understand it and I struggle with it daily. I think I should hold out for the Abercrombie-esque man, yet how do I think I deserve that being a fat girl? Maybe there is some esteem left in there somewhere. Where does the reality (of the fat, lately-unattractivness) come to head with fantasy (that said boy will be attracted to me and maybe I should settle for those who are interested in me because I have a WAY warped view of what's "in my league")?
Spent the day with my grandmother today. (Well, after work.) I took them on Thursday, when we had a half-day, to see my grandfather's sister's husband. The nurses at the assisted living facility says he has a few months left to live at the most. I've spent alot of my summer with my grandparents and some days visiting mom's Uncle Ray in the hospital and living facility. Uncle Ray is one of my favorites and it will be almost as hard as losing my grandfather when he passes. He always has a kind word for everyone, makes you feel special and has the BEST sense of humor. I think I wrote about him earlier, telling you all about how he and my grandfather's sister, Lib, met in church when they were 14. They've been together ever since and are 87 this year! Despite his frail condition and inability to talk above a whisper or for any length of time, he has kept his personality in check. I don't stay visiting him for long now, as he sleeps alot and it's taxing on him to talk to his visitors. I treat each visit as if it were our last.
I have spent alot of this summer with my grandparents. Every year that passes I'm so thankful to have them around. I realize how much I'll miss them when I go and that our time together is limited. There are days, and have been many this summer, where I get upset that I (and my cousin John) are the only cousins who set aside chunks of time in our day to visit them. Being houseridden (as my grandfather doesn't drive much anymore) they LOVE to have company. I know it's quasi-selfish, but if my other cousins could all come on a set day, they could have a different visitor every day and I wouldn't have to feel the need to go every day. I don't mean it to sound as if I don't want to go, but every once in a while it would be nice to know I could spend the day doing stuff for me, or coming home on my half-day and not feel guilty for them sitting in an empty house with no company. My feelings on the matter are alot more complicated and back-and-forth than that, but there's the gist. It does do my spirit wonders everytime I am there and whenever I need a "recharge" they are great for that as well, so perhaps I am making it sound as though I get nothing out of my visits, when in fact the rewards are many.
For those of you who don't know, I am buying my grandparents house. Again, somehow my first thoughts weren't selfish ones, but the were lingering. I knew I was the only cousin in a position to buy the house and I knew my grandmother hoped with all her heart it would stay in the family. She and my grandfather have been persuaded to move in with my Uncle (after some rebuilding to his house) and it eases her mind and made the persuasion easier knowing I was getting her house. It also helps me because it's a great house, in a nice area, at a price I can afford. I may begin to live as an adult and not a high school student again. The closing date for the mortgage is set for October, but that may change. So, I've been stressing about the money crunch all summer as I've watched my bank account dwindle for the expense of being unemployed for 2 months. For those who knew me in college, I very often have the urge to scream and cry for feeling backed into a corner with no way out or at least one in sight. I try to push it to the back of my mind and since the construction phase of this "moving out" plan is going so slowly, I've tried to de-stress and feel perhaps I've bought some "saving money" time.
I believe, dear readers, this is everything. Thirty-one and I are struggling to see eye-to-eye. I still feel everyday as if I have the whole world and polenty of time to make all my dreams come true, when in fact I know the "clock" is ticking. As the birthday approached, all the wasted years and poor decisions came flooding back and the "waht-ifs" resounded loundly in my head. The faith of a plan is waining (as you probably could tell from the length and depressing sounding nature of this email - I'm not really as depressed as it sounds. Just overwhlemed)and without faith, what is left? As sleep throws it's lovely veil of black over my eyes (finally! Preseason is terribly draining, but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!) I'll leave you with this deep, existensial thought: I want with all my heart to place my life in the hands of God knowing he has a plan and everything will turn out and fulfill the desires and nature he has bestowed upon me. What I dread is somewhere in the unknown, "something" is looking at me lay my life in the hands of a deity "something" knows does not exist, watches me throw my life, hopes and dreams to the wind and is saying "SUCKER!". What I want is complete faith and it is exactly what I lack.
Football started Monday and back to work I went. For whatever reason, this summer didn't ever really feel like a break. I've been stressed and don't know why. I also feel like I've been SO busy and not really doing anything. I know it's all been little things eating away at my "vacation", but nothing newsworthy. I'm enjoying being back to work, although the whining has increased two-fold over last year in my freshman team it seems. I miss some of the players from last year (Football is the only team that has started so far, so I can only comment right now on them. Everyone else begins Monday.) and am glad to see some of the returning ones.
There is one in particular I have a soft spot for and I am so happy to see him (although not happy b/c I've seen him every day the last couple because he's hurt.). I always tell Karen I'd like to find him in a 30 year-old. Today it occurred to me that the sweet, naive, innocence of him will likely be ruined by age 30, so anyone who is similar to him and my age won't REALLY be like him because they'll be hardened.
Please do not miss understand, dear readers (which may only be Aim and Kare at this point), I have no interest in HIM. I just realize the more and more I'm looking at people thinking "What do I really want in a male?" and taking bits and pieces of the things I like in my friends, family and those I'm around often and adding it to my "yes, I want that" and "no, he can't have that" list. Funny, as if I wasn't picky, picky, picky enough, now I'm adding criteria! :) I guess the main thing is knowing what you will and will not compromise or bend on and finding an idea of what you want and are looking for. Sometimes though, when I look at the things I know I like, am attracted to and want in someone I date I start to believe that male doesn't exist!
I have started thinking about dating again. Good sign I guess. Problem is I'm doing it all wrong. Instead of diving off the diving board, I keep sticking my toes in , then running out, then going in a little further and backing out. I think when I last checked in on the topic I had made the resolution to date for dating's sake and whomever asked me, because you never know. After doing this twice (and obvious NOT being able to read guy code! - Kare, did I tell you Jamie emailed me to see if I get time off over the winter? When did I get so out of being able to read them?!?!?!), I realized I like what I like. I've always been this way. Don't know why I'm surprised. I always know what I want in my head, even if I can't explain it.
Take my prom dress. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted. After months of shopping for it, still hadn't found it and time was running out. I ended up settling for something close and never really liked it. Maybe I wasn't looking in the right place. Maybe I should've been more open minded. In reality, I was ahead of my time. I see my "ideal" prom dress EVERYWHERE in stores during prom season nowadays. I learned from that experience though. I know I won't be satisfied if I settle for less than I set out to find.
The problem with this is that my overwhelming need to be loved and to love someone is at direct odds with holding out to find someone I think might have over 50% of what I'm looking for. (My prom dress was black and straight. 2 of the 4 or 5 criteria I had for the dress I wanted.) Instead I keep giving false hope to guys who aren't even close to fitting my Top 5 criteria that I won't budge on.
The other problem I'm having is with me. I feel so very overweight and unattractive. I'm not sure I've ever had such self-doubt before. I think I've always had a little confidence inside, even if the self-doubt was overwhelming it. Lately, I feel as if there's none to be had or scraped from any corner of me anywhere. Perhaps it's the "crunch" time of my life. Maybe it's the desire to be loved making me overanalyze why exactly I'm not loved and just picking up on anything. Maybe it's just knowing when I look in the mirror I'm a fat girl in glasses who seems to have lost the shine in her face that used to make me say "see? I'm so pretty. Why don't they see it?" (they being males, of course. Got tons of female friends and family who say "oh please, you're pretty. They'll come around." Good advice for a fat kid.). I don't even see it anymore. Whatever in the universe that keeps trying to break me down, see how long I can hold out before completely shattering my "ego" has won. I'm spent! :) If only I could find some willpower to lose some weight. I'm convinced between that and the glasses I could be pretty again. It seems so paradoxical to me to be turning down dated because they're not everything I want them to be (and yes, I'm shallow. I know it and actually hate to admit it, but looks and instant attraction are HUGE on my Top 5 criteria!)- as if I were too good for them and yet in almost the same breath think I'm a fat, ugly girl lately. Even I don't understand it and I struggle with it daily. I think I should hold out for the Abercrombie-esque man, yet how do I think I deserve that being a fat girl? Maybe there is some esteem left in there somewhere. Where does the reality (of the fat, lately-unattractivness) come to head with fantasy (that said boy will be attracted to me and maybe I should settle for those who are interested in me because I have a WAY warped view of what's "in my league")?
Spent the day with my grandmother today. (Well, after work.) I took them on Thursday, when we had a half-day, to see my grandfather's sister's husband. The nurses at the assisted living facility says he has a few months left to live at the most. I've spent alot of my summer with my grandparents and some days visiting mom's Uncle Ray in the hospital and living facility. Uncle Ray is one of my favorites and it will be almost as hard as losing my grandfather when he passes. He always has a kind word for everyone, makes you feel special and has the BEST sense of humor. I think I wrote about him earlier, telling you all about how he and my grandfather's sister, Lib, met in church when they were 14. They've been together ever since and are 87 this year! Despite his frail condition and inability to talk above a whisper or for any length of time, he has kept his personality in check. I don't stay visiting him for long now, as he sleeps alot and it's taxing on him to talk to his visitors. I treat each visit as if it were our last.
I have spent alot of this summer with my grandparents. Every year that passes I'm so thankful to have them around. I realize how much I'll miss them when I go and that our time together is limited. There are days, and have been many this summer, where I get upset that I (and my cousin John) are the only cousins who set aside chunks of time in our day to visit them. Being houseridden (as my grandfather doesn't drive much anymore) they LOVE to have company. I know it's quasi-selfish, but if my other cousins could all come on a set day, they could have a different visitor every day and I wouldn't have to feel the need to go every day. I don't mean it to sound as if I don't want to go, but every once in a while it would be nice to know I could spend the day doing stuff for me, or coming home on my half-day and not feel guilty for them sitting in an empty house with no company. My feelings on the matter are alot more complicated and back-and-forth than that, but there's the gist. It does do my spirit wonders everytime I am there and whenever I need a "recharge" they are great for that as well, so perhaps I am making it sound as though I get nothing out of my visits, when in fact the rewards are many.
For those of you who don't know, I am buying my grandparents house. Again, somehow my first thoughts weren't selfish ones, but the were lingering. I knew I was the only cousin in a position to buy the house and I knew my grandmother hoped with all her heart it would stay in the family. She and my grandfather have been persuaded to move in with my Uncle (after some rebuilding to his house) and it eases her mind and made the persuasion easier knowing I was getting her house. It also helps me because it's a great house, in a nice area, at a price I can afford. I may begin to live as an adult and not a high school student again. The closing date for the mortgage is set for October, but that may change. So, I've been stressing about the money crunch all summer as I've watched my bank account dwindle for the expense of being unemployed for 2 months. For those who knew me in college, I very often have the urge to scream and cry for feeling backed into a corner with no way out or at least one in sight. I try to push it to the back of my mind and since the construction phase of this "moving out" plan is going so slowly, I've tried to de-stress and feel perhaps I've bought some "saving money" time.
I believe, dear readers, this is everything. Thirty-one and I are struggling to see eye-to-eye. I still feel everyday as if I have the whole world and polenty of time to make all my dreams come true, when in fact I know the "clock" is ticking. As the birthday approached, all the wasted years and poor decisions came flooding back and the "waht-ifs" resounded loundly in my head. The faith of a plan is waining (as you probably could tell from the length and depressing sounding nature of this email - I'm not really as depressed as it sounds. Just overwhlemed)and without faith, what is left? As sleep throws it's lovely veil of black over my eyes (finally! Preseason is terribly draining, but I get to sleep in tomorrow!!! YAY!!!!) I'll leave you with this deep, existensial thought: I want with all my heart to place my life in the hands of God knowing he has a plan and everything will turn out and fulfill the desires and nature he has bestowed upon me. What I dread is somewhere in the unknown, "something" is looking at me lay my life in the hands of a deity "something" knows does not exist, watches me throw my life, hopes and dreams to the wind and is saying "SUCKER!". What I want is complete faith and it is exactly what I lack.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Make The Lambs Quit Screaming
Hey Everyone!
Just thought I'd do a little happy list to make the biological clock that's getting louder in my head stop ticking! :)
1. Katie - When I took care of her the Monday morning her parents were away, I went to her room when she woke up crying for mommy and she saw me and broke out into this HUGE grin! When we were watching cartoons in "the big bed" she kept looking over at me and smiling. I've never been looked at quite like that. It's the reason people have children and the reason people fall in love.
2. Curly beach hair (from a spray bottle)
3. My Little Baseball pitcher - granted I don't see him anymore, but he still makes me smile every once in awhile. I try to forget he's not coming back next year.
4. Going to see the Phils with AJ on Monday (oh, Aim, I'm supposed to tell you the store where he is sold out of the Vera Bradley stuff within the first two days of the going out of business sale.)
5. Karen's Housewarming. The last 4 or 5 hours were my favorite. I wish the rest of my life could be so fun - friends who live close by, getting together, drinking and having fun.
6. Red, White and Blue popcicles
7. The idea of decorating a new house (even though the money I will have after I buy said house may preclude me from decorating it the way I'd like. ;) )
8. Postponing my Yard Sale to thoroughly scour the grounds for more stuff to sell! :)
9. Lunches with mom
10. Watering in only a week! :) YAY!!!!!
To Quote the LOVELY All-American Rejects:
"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold"
Happy Weekend!
Just thought I'd do a little happy list to make the biological clock that's getting louder in my head stop ticking! :)
1. Katie - When I took care of her the Monday morning her parents were away, I went to her room when she woke up crying for mommy and she saw me and broke out into this HUGE grin! When we were watching cartoons in "the big bed" she kept looking over at me and smiling. I've never been looked at quite like that. It's the reason people have children and the reason people fall in love.
2. Curly beach hair (from a spray bottle)
3. My Little Baseball pitcher - granted I don't see him anymore, but he still makes me smile every once in awhile. I try to forget he's not coming back next year.
4. Going to see the Phils with AJ on Monday (oh, Aim, I'm supposed to tell you the store where he is sold out of the Vera Bradley stuff within the first two days of the going out of business sale.)
5. Karen's Housewarming. The last 4 or 5 hours were my favorite. I wish the rest of my life could be so fun - friends who live close by, getting together, drinking and having fun.
6. Red, White and Blue popcicles
7. The idea of decorating a new house (even though the money I will have after I buy said house may preclude me from decorating it the way I'd like. ;) )
8. Postponing my Yard Sale to thoroughly scour the grounds for more stuff to sell! :)
9. Lunches with mom
10. Watering in only a week! :) YAY!!!!!
To Quote the LOVELY All-American Rejects:
"Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold"
Happy Weekend!
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
Until Death Do Us Part....
Well, it really has been SO long since I've been here. It's not that I don't have anything to say, just can't get my brain to remember much these days. I have a fish memory. A profound thought will come into my head and I'll go "oh. I wonder about that." and then it's gone. No introspection or analysis.
This latest thing just stuck in my head and I can't wrap my little head around it. My mom's Uncle Ray has been in the hospital. He's out and in the healthcare section of the assisted living facility where they live. He and my grandfather's only sister (of 12 kids...poor woman)met when she was 14. They've been together ever since. She's now 87. We went to visit my Uncle Ray today. He said his illness has been hard on him. They've been apart almost a month. Not really that she hasn't seen him or visited him as he's been in and out of the hospital and in the health care wing, just a mere hallway or two away from their residence, but they've been sleeping apart and not really together in the same place.
As we were leaving I said to my mom, "It just boggles my mind to #1 be with someone that long and #2 (and most importantly)miss them when you are separated for any length of time.". She smiled and a little giggle escaped her lips. It's just so hard to imagine ever feeling that way about someone. It's really baffling to think of 73 years with anyone, let alone the same person and still feeling as though they were put on this earth just for you and not imagining a world without them. I'm still mystifyed by this.
It's been a long week of me taking care of my grandparents. I've been out of work for one month next week and I have yet to have a free day to myself. One week at convention, got home and Kare came to visit (which was great, but it was still DOING something, going somewhere, not the carefree "what am I going to do today" feeling), then spent last week running food and visiting with my grandparents every day. I'm ready for a break. This Sunday it starts again as I'm going to see Amy and Katie, then house and Maggie sitting for Amy's parents - I'm looking forward to floating in a pool for a few days before I drive back. Kare's housewarming is the following weekend, then Trish's shower the weekend after that, then off to OCMD for the last weekend in July. August comes and brings something on the 6th, then my birthday weekend and back to work. Sometimes I'd almost rather have vacation time and work 12 months, because so far this summer, I just don't feel rested. Lately I feel more and more annoyed and easily agitated at everything. I think I need a rest. Every feel that way? Now I've got this 73 years thing on my brain.....Isn't it wrong to feel STRESSED and BUSY on your Summer Vacation?!?!?!?
Hopefully, it's just the stresses of the last week and I'll calm down and enjoy the rest of my summer off, as it will probably be the last vacation day I get. I am going to start looking for Sunday jobs in an attempt to supplement my income and hope whatever I do will carry into the summer next year. It means no days off or weekends for me and that always overloads me. I just don't see any other way.
Anyway, the fireworks are coming on t.v., so I'm gonna go! Happy 4th Everyone!
This latest thing just stuck in my head and I can't wrap my little head around it. My mom's Uncle Ray has been in the hospital. He's out and in the healthcare section of the assisted living facility where they live. He and my grandfather's only sister (of 12 kids...poor woman)met when she was 14. They've been together ever since. She's now 87. We went to visit my Uncle Ray today. He said his illness has been hard on him. They've been apart almost a month. Not really that she hasn't seen him or visited him as he's been in and out of the hospital and in the health care wing, just a mere hallway or two away from their residence, but they've been sleeping apart and not really together in the same place.
As we were leaving I said to my mom, "It just boggles my mind to #1 be with someone that long and #2 (and most importantly)miss them when you are separated for any length of time.". She smiled and a little giggle escaped her lips. It's just so hard to imagine ever feeling that way about someone. It's really baffling to think of 73 years with anyone, let alone the same person and still feeling as though they were put on this earth just for you and not imagining a world without them. I'm still mystifyed by this.
It's been a long week of me taking care of my grandparents. I've been out of work for one month next week and I have yet to have a free day to myself. One week at convention, got home and Kare came to visit (which was great, but it was still DOING something, going somewhere, not the carefree "what am I going to do today" feeling), then spent last week running food and visiting with my grandparents every day. I'm ready for a break. This Sunday it starts again as I'm going to see Amy and Katie, then house and Maggie sitting for Amy's parents - I'm looking forward to floating in a pool for a few days before I drive back. Kare's housewarming is the following weekend, then Trish's shower the weekend after that, then off to OCMD for the last weekend in July. August comes and brings something on the 6th, then my birthday weekend and back to work. Sometimes I'd almost rather have vacation time and work 12 months, because so far this summer, I just don't feel rested. Lately I feel more and more annoyed and easily agitated at everything. I think I need a rest. Every feel that way? Now I've got this 73 years thing on my brain.....Isn't it wrong to feel STRESSED and BUSY on your Summer Vacation?!?!?!?
Hopefully, it's just the stresses of the last week and I'll calm down and enjoy the rest of my summer off, as it will probably be the last vacation day I get. I am going to start looking for Sunday jobs in an attempt to supplement my income and hope whatever I do will carry into the summer next year. It means no days off or weekends for me and that always overloads me. I just don't see any other way.
Anyway, the fireworks are coming on t.v., so I'm gonna go! Happy 4th Everyone!
Monday, June 05, 2006
New Survey From Aim! :)
What curse word do you use the most? I really don't do that. My favorite one though if probably the worst one.
Do you own an iPod? LOVE IT!!! I can't work out without it and now with the speakers in my bathroom, I listen to it more often.
Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most? Karen
What time is your alarm clock set for? 8:45am
What color is your room? white with two green splotches where I've been testing paint - testing it for about 1 1/2 years.
Flip flops or sneakers? Flip-flops
Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take the picture.
What was the last movie you watched? We watched a little bit of Never Been Kissed yesterday, but whole movie? Jarhead over Memorial Day, thought it was appropriate. Woo-Rah!
Do any of your friends have children? A couple. Some on the way.... strange when the girls you "rabble-roused" with are mommies. It's hard for me to get my head around.
Has anyone ever called you lazy? Every day in Badminton! :)
Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Only when I'm sick
What CD is currently in your CD player? Dave Matthews Band
Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? if I have to have milk please make it chocolate
Has anyone told you a secret this week? I don't think so...
Have you ever given someone a hickey? I think it's how I'm remembered in at least one circle and it was only ONCE!!!
Who was the last person to call you? My sister, but we were in the middle of dinner.
Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I believe so
Did you watch cartoons as a child? I LOVED the Smurfs! :)
How many siblings do you have? one younger sister.
Are you shy around the opposite sex? Ever since Neil....yeah
What movie do you know every line to? Clue, Bull Durham, Grease
Do you own any band t-shirts? Eric Clapton
What is your favorite salad dressing? Creamy French
Do you read for fun? When I have time...usually in the summer
Do you cry a lot? I have my moments.
Who was the last person to text message you? I don't know...Jill, I think when she was in Brasil. I really need to get a plan! :)
Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both.
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? I want a tattoo, but the whole needle thing gets in the way.
What is the weather like? humid and overcast
Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? covered..nah! but one or two would be good.
Is sex before marriage wrong? do I really have to answer this one?
When was the last time you slept on the floor? I've decided that a benefit of being 30 and having a job and some money means I don't have to sleep on the floor. I'm getting spoiled in my old age...I want a bed! :)
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? As many as possible....which is usually 7 or more. I can deal with less, but not for any days in a row
Are you in love or lust? neither at the moment....so d*mn picky
Are your days full and fast-paced? At work, just the opposite now that sports are done....come to think of it, I have alot to do and nothing seems to get done, so maybe not as action packed as they should be.
Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? I try. I'm SO bad at dieting, but the 15 pounds won't lose themselves! (I know, I've tried that!)
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 31
Are you picky about spelling and grammar? yep, even though I'm not great at it myself.
Have you ever been to Six Flags? yeah, going again this summer
Do you like cottage cheese? It's o.k.
Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? belly
Have you ever bid for something on eBay? yep, occasionally
Do you enjoy giving hugs? More and more lately
What song did you last sing out loud? Take Me Home, Country Road...Aim's little girl LOVES John....and Linda....Ronstadt! :)
What is your favorite TV show? Grey's Anatomy
Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with? Crap! I had a great one the other day when i was thinking "I need to add him to my list", but now I don't remember who it was! So, for today I'd have to say, Jennifer Aniston
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? It's been so long I don't remember
What one thing do you wish you had? I'm not answering that. Superstitious
Do you own an iPod? LOVE IT!!! I can't work out without it and now with the speakers in my bathroom, I listen to it more often.
Who on your MySpace “Top 8” do you talk to the most? Karen
What time is your alarm clock set for? 8:45am
What color is your room? white with two green splotches where I've been testing paint - testing it for about 1 1/2 years.
Flip flops or sneakers? Flip-flops
Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture? Take the picture.
What was the last movie you watched? We watched a little bit of Never Been Kissed yesterday, but whole movie? Jarhead over Memorial Day, thought it was appropriate. Woo-Rah!
Do any of your friends have children? A couple. Some on the way.... strange when the girls you "rabble-roused" with are mommies. It's hard for me to get my head around.
Has anyone ever called you lazy? Every day in Badminton! :)
Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster? Only when I'm sick
What CD is currently in your CD player? Dave Matthews Band
Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? if I have to have milk please make it chocolate
Has anyone told you a secret this week? I don't think so...
Have you ever given someone a hickey? I think it's how I'm remembered in at least one circle and it was only ONCE!!!
Who was the last person to call you? My sister, but we were in the middle of dinner.
Do you think people talk about you behind your back? I believe so
Did you watch cartoons as a child? I LOVED the Smurfs! :)
How many siblings do you have? one younger sister.
Are you shy around the opposite sex? Ever since Neil....yeah
What movie do you know every line to? Clue, Bull Durham, Grease
Do you own any band t-shirts? Eric Clapton
What is your favorite salad dressing? Creamy French
Do you read for fun? When I have time...usually in the summer
Do you cry a lot? I have my moments.
Who was the last person to text message you? I don't know...Jill, I think when she was in Brasil. I really need to get a plan! :)
Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop? Both.
Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo? I want a tattoo, but the whole needle thing gets in the way.
What is the weather like? humid and overcast
Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos? covered..nah! but one or two would be good.
Is sex before marriage wrong? do I really have to answer this one?
When was the last time you slept on the floor? I've decided that a benefit of being 30 and having a job and some money means I don't have to sleep on the floor. I'm getting spoiled in my old age...I want a bed! :)
How many hours of sleep do you need to function? As many as possible....which is usually 7 or more. I can deal with less, but not for any days in a row
Are you in love or lust? neither at the moment....so d*mn picky
Are your days full and fast-paced? At work, just the opposite now that sports are done....come to think of it, I have alot to do and nothing seems to get done, so maybe not as action packed as they should be.
Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages? I try. I'm SO bad at dieting, but the 15 pounds won't lose themselves! (I know, I've tried that!)
How old will you be turning on your next birthday? 31
Are you picky about spelling and grammar? yep, even though I'm not great at it myself.
Have you ever been to Six Flags? yeah, going again this summer
Do you like cottage cheese? It's o.k.
Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back? belly
Have you ever bid for something on eBay? yep, occasionally
Do you enjoy giving hugs? More and more lately
What song did you last sing out loud? Take Me Home, Country Road...Aim's little girl LOVES John....and Linda....Ronstadt! :)
What is your favorite TV show? Grey's Anatomy
Which celebrity, dead or alive, would you want to have lunch with? Crap! I had a great one the other day when i was thinking "I need to add him to my list", but now I don't remember who it was! So, for today I'd have to say, Jennifer Aniston
Last time you had butterflies in your stomach? It's been so long I don't remember
What one thing do you wish you had? I'm not answering that. Superstitious
Monday, May 08, 2006
Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make:
"Dear studio audience, I've an announcement to make:
It seems the artists these days are not who you think" - Panic! At The Disco
Hey Everyone!
I feel like it's been forever since I've written. In the tradition of Monday's in college (and since today I'm feeling old, despite regressing yesterday to 15 or 16), here's a "Happy List" or should I say....just a list to fill you in, since I'm too tired to be happy! :) Notice the "Song" theme in this one! :)
1. Sunshine On My Shoulders, Makes Me Happy. It seem this shows up and did show up on my Happy List every single time in the spring. It's nice to know you can count on things. I count on the fact that a sunny 80 degree or so day with no clouds makes me blissfully, euphorically happy.
2. You're Living In The Past, It's A New Generation. How about being the Old Person? There are MANY advantages to this! Kare and I went to Bamboozle this weekend. It was predominantly high school age kids, because of the alternative-y-ness of the music. The first good thing about being the Old person at one of these things is you don't care if you don't fit in. In my long sleeve Gap t-shirt and khaki shorts (followed later by a olive green tank top), I just wasn't giving off the angst surrounding me...I didn't care. The second good thing is you can be mistaken for someone's parent (and there were parents milling around in throughout the Meadowlands parking/stages area), so you can do whatever and kids ignore you. The third, "I'm older and I have bigger hips!" always keeps you in a certain amount of your own space.
3. Wreck of The Day. Nee calling me "the Hero of The Day" for just doing what comes naturally. It never occurs to me people appreciate the things I know. I'm always so thrilled when our high school kids say Thank you for the things we do for them, or when parents compliment us. I get a bit embarassed, because we are just doing our job, but hearing "Thank You" is always a little boost to your ego and self-worth. When the Crowd Surfing kid near us fell on his head and the kids in front of us started waving for help, I pushed right through. I guess it never occurred to me not to. I didn't have to do much, as security came and whisked him off through the crowd to get him medical help. I've been thinking about him ever since and hoping he's doing better than he was when he left my "care".
4. Since You've Been Gone. When you return from a weekend away, do you ever feel like you've missed tons of stuff? Even though I left Saturday afternoon and got back this morning, I feel as though I've been away for a week or more. Sad thing is, I missed nothing.
5. I Want To Touch The Light, The Heat I See In Your Eyes. "Angela: I'm totally over Jordon Catalano." Actually, I was never really a Jordan Catalano fan (Sorry Kare!). I still felt that way yesterday when we heard him play in his band, 30 Seconds To Mars, then went to the tent where they were signing autographs so Nee and Kare could get a picture of him. We were standing there, looking at "Jordan Catalano" (aka Jared Leto), when he turned his head, looked at me and smiled. I said to Kare, "I just don't think he's that cute, then he smiles, and...yeah, yeah he is."
6. If It's Not Too Late For Coffee, I'll Be At Your Place In Ten. Starbucks - I really am in love with their Soy Vanilla Latte. Hopefully, it will never let me down! :)
7. I'm Too Sexy For This Song. I've got to say one thing (or probalby many things, as you know I get off on my tangents) about high school kids. They really have great senses of themselves....or else they fake it well. It was so much fun people watching yesterday. I mostly sat around reading everyone shirts and thinking "How true is that!" or " I really love that shirt" (although I think I said that out loud to Kare 800 billion times! What I noticed yesterday in the girls, they wearing things they probably shouldn't, then walk around like they are Charlize Theron in it! As Kare said, "I wish I had their body image". They seem so much more confident in themselves than we did at their age...or even than we do at times now. They are also SO much more "sexual" than we were then...and now. They are touchy feely in ways we weren't.
8. I'm Every Cliche, But I Simply Do It Best. Being around lovely women who are philosophical and intelligent yesterday reminded me that, while I may know the latest bands, clothes trends and tons of other "h.s. stuff" I am missing the part of me that feels "smart". It was nice philosophisizing about the difference in generations, how feminism has affected society and so on. Reminded me I am, actually, an intelligent ADULT. :)
9. Pain Makes You Beautiful. As we the day wound down yesterday, we all found ourselves in various stages of aching and pain. Knees, feet, ankles, backs...all aching from standing and moving for 6 hours. The need for "real food", the cold and the "pain" felt reminded us we were older. As much as you don't want to embrace pain, you start to realize where you are in life - Things don't work the way they used to, a pretzel and Pepsi don't count as a meal and what the heck am I shivering in the cold for? You begin to revel in aging. The responsibilities of your workplace that make it possible for you to own and drive your own car to a restraunt where people can wait on you and bring you "real food", then send you home to a warm place you call your very own. The comfort in knowing all the years and events you've gone through cause those very joints to hurt. The smiling comes, as does the warmth that fills every part of you, as you settle in to who you are, how far you've come and being content with your life at this very moment.
10. Cause You Gotta Have Friends. I really love all my friends. You guys, pretty much all of you love me for who I am. I realize I'm not easy to wrap a little brain around. ;) I'm schizophrenic with many different parts and loves and interests...a bit goofy and childlike, yet grown up...an enigma. I love and miss you all! (As I said, I feel like I've been away for weeks! :) ) As life gets busy and people ebb and flow, the love and thoughts never cease - from me to you and back again. I hope each of you is doing well.
I'm off to work, then to the gym to get ready for the 5K next weekend! :) It should be a blast! :) Look for more on the blog in the week to come. I'm going to try and wax nostalgic and hone my intellectual side though Blogger more foten than I have recently. Happy Monday All! :)
Monday, April 17, 2006
Should I Stay or Should I Go
I kinda like that alot of my subjects lately have been song quotes! :)
I'm debating buying my grandparents' house. At first I was all for it, and no I'm having serious doubts. The biggest doubt I'm having is I think I want to be close to home and work. Granted, it's only a 30 minute drive, but somehow it seems like worlds away.
On the one hand, I would have a house. A legitimate house. I could have company stay over, with spare rooms to house them in; a yard for clowning around and having the family over like we usually do; etc. Space. MY Space. (Not to be confused with the website. :) ) My grandmother would love to keep it in the family if they're moving out and I think it would break her heart to see it not stay in the family somehow. It would be the lower end of the market value, which I could just afford and no realtors or anything. No thin walls, like in a condo or really neighbors to contend with (There are some on either side, but with a fairly decent side yard, who could hear them?), I could get my dog.
On the other hand, I'd like to be close to here. If I got a condo in Mt. Laurel (which is just barely do-able financially), I could keep my same gym, grocery stores, etc. It would also be alot closer to drive home in the fall when I go out with the coaches after a Friday night game or after a basketball game in the winter. It might also be a better way to make friends, as younger people in the area tend to be in condos. (And if I'm living alone, I'll need friends. It'll either force me to make them or I'll be miserably lonely.)
All of a sudden the other day, I had this sinking feeling in my gut about moving to another town. Suddenly, my dad's pushing towards getting a condo is seeming like a great idea. No expectations about how to redo the house, or making changes to a house we all grew up in or around. But what about the house? I'm so torn. Should I keep looking for places close to here, or wait because I'll be moving into my grandparents place?
I'm debating buying my grandparents' house. At first I was all for it, and no I'm having serious doubts. The biggest doubt I'm having is I think I want to be close to home and work. Granted, it's only a 30 minute drive, but somehow it seems like worlds away.
On the one hand, I would have a house. A legitimate house. I could have company stay over, with spare rooms to house them in; a yard for clowning around and having the family over like we usually do; etc. Space. MY Space. (Not to be confused with the website. :) ) My grandmother would love to keep it in the family if they're moving out and I think it would break her heart to see it not stay in the family somehow. It would be the lower end of the market value, which I could just afford and no realtors or anything. No thin walls, like in a condo or really neighbors to contend with (There are some on either side, but with a fairly decent side yard, who could hear them?), I could get my dog.
On the other hand, I'd like to be close to here. If I got a condo in Mt. Laurel (which is just barely do-able financially), I could keep my same gym, grocery stores, etc. It would also be alot closer to drive home in the fall when I go out with the coaches after a Friday night game or after a basketball game in the winter. It might also be a better way to make friends, as younger people in the area tend to be in condos. (And if I'm living alone, I'll need friends. It'll either force me to make them or I'll be miserably lonely.)
All of a sudden the other day, I had this sinking feeling in my gut about moving to another town. Suddenly, my dad's pushing towards getting a condo is seeming like a great idea. No expectations about how to redo the house, or making changes to a house we all grew up in or around. But what about the house? I'm so torn. Should I keep looking for places close to here, or wait because I'll be moving into my grandparents place?
Wednesday, March 29, 2006
A Long, Long Time Ago....I Can Still Remember...
Hey Everyone!
God it seems like I haven't been on here in SO long, but it's only bee a few weeks.
How come people are stupid? Like Kare's employee who can't figure out why he needs to GO to work in order to get paid for being there! Or why his job isn't more accomodating to his "life". Are you freakin' kidding me? Seriously? Just don't even get me started! :)(but check out her site to see her getting on a tangent about him! :) ) No, but really...if you don't wanna work, collect welfare (hey we created, but don't get me started about THAT), live in a box, who freakin' cares? If you DO want a job/paycheck, don't get upset that they're gonna make you SHOW UP at work in order to pay you for being there! Ok, really...I'm done. Stupid Bob Costas
I love IM and MySpace more and more each day. I had a WONDERFUL conversation with an old friend (he's not old, I've just known him forever) on IM last night. It felt so good to have adult conversation. I also found a hs friend and his sister on MySpace and am so happy. Now, if we could just get together..... It's so nice to have some friends again....feel like I might have a life again someday.
I'm a bit freaked out by myself right now. I hate it when I freak myself out. Ever have something happen, or feel something and go...what the heck is going on with you, self? Yeah, it's one of those moments. I hate it. How do I change it? I'm such a freakin' girl!
I've decided to train to do a 5K in the Summer. I'm not sure what 5K, just train to do one while I'm off work. I'm hoping it helps to motivate me to RUN my fat, lazy butt around! then I can lost the stubborn 15 pounds that won't get lost on their own! :)
My brain isn't working right. It's scary to me. I think it's old age and overload. I can't remember stuff. I think I'm not trying hard enough to retain what's being said. Maybe I should try harder. I also can't remember names like I used to. I'm still pretty good with out kids, just not names I used to know. Any ideas for better memory? I've started doing crosswords again. I thought it might help.
Well, I gotta run. The scariest thing is going to happen tomorrow and I have to be ready. I am chaperoning a Field Trip.I have to be on a bus. In charge of kids. High School Kids. I'm nervous. It'll be fun. We're going to see Body Worlds at the Franklin Institute. Then to Friendly's. My mom thinks I need to set a good example. I think I need to eat a Reese's Pieces sundae for lunch (Friendly's). Somehow, mom doesn't see this as a good example. I think it would be worse to eat lunch AND a sundae. :)
Night all!
God it seems like I haven't been on here in SO long, but it's only bee a few weeks.
How come people are stupid? Like Kare's employee who can't figure out why he needs to GO to work in order to get paid for being there! Or why his job isn't more accomodating to his "life". Are you freakin' kidding me? Seriously? Just don't even get me started! :)(but check out her site to see her getting on a tangent about him! :) ) No, but really...if you don't wanna work, collect welfare (hey we created, but don't get me started about THAT), live in a box, who freakin' cares? If you DO want a job/paycheck, don't get upset that they're gonna make you SHOW UP at work in order to pay you for being there! Ok, really...I'm done. Stupid Bob Costas
I love IM and MySpace more and more each day. I had a WONDERFUL conversation with an old friend (he's not old, I've just known him forever) on IM last night. It felt so good to have adult conversation. I also found a hs friend and his sister on MySpace and am so happy. Now, if we could just get together..... It's so nice to have some friends again....feel like I might have a life again someday.
I'm a bit freaked out by myself right now. I hate it when I freak myself out. Ever have something happen, or feel something and go...what the heck is going on with you, self? Yeah, it's one of those moments. I hate it. How do I change it? I'm such a freakin' girl!
I've decided to train to do a 5K in the Summer. I'm not sure what 5K, just train to do one while I'm off work. I'm hoping it helps to motivate me to RUN my fat, lazy butt around! then I can lost the stubborn 15 pounds that won't get lost on their own! :)
My brain isn't working right. It's scary to me. I think it's old age and overload. I can't remember stuff. I think I'm not trying hard enough to retain what's being said. Maybe I should try harder. I also can't remember names like I used to. I'm still pretty good with out kids, just not names I used to know. Any ideas for better memory? I've started doing crosswords again. I thought it might help.
Well, I gotta run. The scariest thing is going to happen tomorrow and I have to be ready. I am chaperoning a Field Trip.I have to be on a bus. In charge of kids. High School Kids. I'm nervous. It'll be fun. We're going to see Body Worlds at the Franklin Institute. Then to Friendly's. My mom thinks I need to set a good example. I think I need to eat a Reese's Pieces sundae for lunch (Friendly's). Somehow, mom doesn't see this as a good example. I think it would be worse to eat lunch AND a sundae. :)
Night all!
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
LOST!!!!!!
If anyone has seen this, could you please direct him back to me? I seem to be missing one! :)
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Glamour-ous Life
I was reading an article in Glamour last night called "Are You Following Your Dreams?". It inspired alot of thoughts in me that I was too tired last night to write and that I forget tonight. One thing did stand out - "So why is it then, that adulthood feels so often like a betrayal of our younger selves?".
I know EXACTLY how she feels! I betray myself daily. Lately, I've been fighting the urge to chuck everything, move to Florida and try living out THAT part of my dreams. #1 - I don't do well with uncontrolled, spontaneous stuff. #2 - I LOVE my job! :)
I've been yearning for warm weather and a beach atmosphere life. I've been thinking more and more about Hermosa Beach. I'm terribly jealous of my 130 pound wrestler who's moving there upon graduation. It's the weirdest pull from somewhere deep inside toward these things. As the writer says, "In the early part of my career, when I'd be sitting in a subcommittee meeting on Capitol Hill, listening to a congressman drone on and on about postage stamps, I'd sometimes sense my childhood self glaring at me from the back of the room: This was the best you could do?" Now, I don't feel these things everyday in my job, it's the moment I walk out the door to go home. Especially on a day like today, when it's 60 here and I just wanna head from work to the beach. Only it's an hour away...not my preferred 5 minutes.
I know this is the part of my life unfulfilled. The part that needs something to fill it up. The part that's empty and wanting and yearning for something more than an hour at the gym and home to watch CSI with my cat, parents in various places around the same house. I've been looking at houses, but will that do it? Will that suffice or does the desire, need, want, yearn go deeper.
I've learned alot about myself in the last few years. For those who've seen The Runaway Bride, you'll get this part - I've figured out what kind of eggs I like. :) for those who haven't, I've thought of things I'd never given much heed to previously. Neil's now-wife once said, "Girls dream and plan their wedding from the time they are little girls.". It sounded so funny, because I hadn't. Not once. I knew I'd have one, never thought to plan it before it would happen. I know now. I also know my favorite apple, what I want in a partner/spouse, what I'll compromise and what I won't, what I'll change for another and what I won't and, most important, that saying good-bye won't kill me and neither will being "high-maintainance". I feel I'm more ready to settle down, settle in and be. There's a whole list of things I want to do, learn, see or experience.
What the writer of this article didn't cover is that my younger self has nothing on my older one. My younger self didn't plan ahead too much, didn't really feel passionately about things, wants, desires. The older me does and I'm sure as hell not going to betray that one. The younger one yearns for the past, for ideals and refuses to think we've grown up and these have passed us by. The older me knows we don't have to give them up just because we've grown up. Maybe THAT'S the adult betrayal. And yes, it's the best I've got. Thank God!
I know EXACTLY how she feels! I betray myself daily. Lately, I've been fighting the urge to chuck everything, move to Florida and try living out THAT part of my dreams. #1 - I don't do well with uncontrolled, spontaneous stuff. #2 - I LOVE my job! :)
I've been yearning for warm weather and a beach atmosphere life. I've been thinking more and more about Hermosa Beach. I'm terribly jealous of my 130 pound wrestler who's moving there upon graduation. It's the weirdest pull from somewhere deep inside toward these things. As the writer says, "In the early part of my career, when I'd be sitting in a subcommittee meeting on Capitol Hill, listening to a congressman drone on and on about postage stamps, I'd sometimes sense my childhood self glaring at me from the back of the room: This was the best you could do?" Now, I don't feel these things everyday in my job, it's the moment I walk out the door to go home. Especially on a day like today, when it's 60 here and I just wanna head from work to the beach. Only it's an hour away...not my preferred 5 minutes.
I know this is the part of my life unfulfilled. The part that needs something to fill it up. The part that's empty and wanting and yearning for something more than an hour at the gym and home to watch CSI with my cat, parents in various places around the same house. I've been looking at houses, but will that do it? Will that suffice or does the desire, need, want, yearn go deeper.
I've learned alot about myself in the last few years. For those who've seen The Runaway Bride, you'll get this part - I've figured out what kind of eggs I like. :) for those who haven't, I've thought of things I'd never given much heed to previously. Neil's now-wife once said, "Girls dream and plan their wedding from the time they are little girls.". It sounded so funny, because I hadn't. Not once. I knew I'd have one, never thought to plan it before it would happen. I know now. I also know my favorite apple, what I want in a partner/spouse, what I'll compromise and what I won't, what I'll change for another and what I won't and, most important, that saying good-bye won't kill me and neither will being "high-maintainance". I feel I'm more ready to settle down, settle in and be. There's a whole list of things I want to do, learn, see or experience.
What the writer of this article didn't cover is that my younger self has nothing on my older one. My younger self didn't plan ahead too much, didn't really feel passionately about things, wants, desires. The older me does and I'm sure as hell not going to betray that one. The younger one yearns for the past, for ideals and refuses to think we've grown up and these have passed us by. The older me knows we don't have to give them up just because we've grown up. Maybe THAT'S the adult betrayal. And yes, it's the best I've got. Thank God!
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Feels Like The First Time
Well, I feel like I haven't been on here forever. In actuality it hasn't been that long...Feb 23rd. The days are going one into another and yet I have no clue where I am. Sad state of affairs I am in. Since my mind doesn't hold a thought and "I feel like I'm drowning" lately with real-life stuff (like laundry, cleaning, bills, bank account balancing....) just piling up, I thought I'd tangent write tonight. It seems to go with my thoughts.
- My athletes love me and I love them. Life is Good.
- My job as PR Chair for our state organization is going well. We had our big meeting last monday (Gosh, it feels like weeks ago!) and people seem to like things I'm doing. Yea me!
- I'm addicted to MySpace and finding people I've lost touch with.
- My mother reminded me when I told her how overwhelmed I felt that I just balanced my bank account a week or so ago. I guess in my head I never did it, so I feel like I still need to do it. Must be the same circuiting I use when grocery shopping. We run out of something ONCE and I buy it every time I go to the store until I realize we have 80 of them and then it sticks in my head we don't need any more (until we run out and I could've sworn we had tons, then I start buying them/it again).
- A job is coming open in our immediate area soon and my boss asked if I wanted it. Said the current trainer makes better money than he does. I know he said it because he's looking out for me, but then I wonder "does he want me to leave?" "Is this a test?". I'm such a freak.
- Speaking of being a freak, I picked out an outfit when I got home from our basketball game last night for my Grandparents 60th Anniversary party today. It was a maroon pleather skirt - knee length with a black turleneck and boots. I felt very trendy and out of my element, but my mom said I really looked nice. I had to get dressed at work today and when I went in to tell our coaches I was leaving, one of them said "how much?". I knew he was totally kidding, but then I felt VERY self-conscious the whole rest of the day (even though my sister and mother both told me I was fine). If guys ever wonder why we go through 800 outfits when we get dressed and claim we have "nothing to wear", it's because some guy at some point in our lives made some comment and this is what the end result is. If, as a guy, you've ever made that comment...think of the waiting as karma kicking you in the arse.
- I hate endings. Granted I have new beginnings, but the endings just end. It sucks.
- Not any step closer to going on one date this year OR losing 15 pounds. You would think with all the one or two meal days I've had lately the pounds would be flying off. Alas, none have fleed. I need to make myself less of an inviting host to pounds, maybe then they'd leave! :)
- Anyone know a professional cleaner outer? We need one BAD in our house!Maybe I should just submit us to Clean Sweep. They do things like that - I am thinking of the right show, aren't I?!?!?!!
- How do March 5th and Marh 12th sound alike? They don't. How did I get them confused? Sorry Aim! I'll let you know this week about coming down next weekend. Is that too far away?
- I'm addicted to MySpace. It's kind of like voyuerism I think. Little glimpses into people's lives. People you know, people you don't. It just sucks you in. I need a life! :)
Well, despite my 45 minute nap this afternoon, I'm feeling a bit drowsy and must be my way of signaling me that it's time for bed. I have to work tomorrow to get the boys in shape for our game on Monday. Send positive thoughts our way...we'll need them! )
Happy Saturday Night Everyone! :)
- My athletes love me and I love them. Life is Good.
- My job as PR Chair for our state organization is going well. We had our big meeting last monday (Gosh, it feels like weeks ago!) and people seem to like things I'm doing. Yea me!
- I'm addicted to MySpace and finding people I've lost touch with.
- My mother reminded me when I told her how overwhelmed I felt that I just balanced my bank account a week or so ago. I guess in my head I never did it, so I feel like I still need to do it. Must be the same circuiting I use when grocery shopping. We run out of something ONCE and I buy it every time I go to the store until I realize we have 80 of them and then it sticks in my head we don't need any more (until we run out and I could've sworn we had tons, then I start buying them/it again).
- A job is coming open in our immediate area soon and my boss asked if I wanted it. Said the current trainer makes better money than he does. I know he said it because he's looking out for me, but then I wonder "does he want me to leave?" "Is this a test?". I'm such a freak.
- Speaking of being a freak, I picked out an outfit when I got home from our basketball game last night for my Grandparents 60th Anniversary party today. It was a maroon pleather skirt - knee length with a black turleneck and boots. I felt very trendy and out of my element, but my mom said I really looked nice. I had to get dressed at work today and when I went in to tell our coaches I was leaving, one of them said "how much?". I knew he was totally kidding, but then I felt VERY self-conscious the whole rest of the day (even though my sister and mother both told me I was fine). If guys ever wonder why we go through 800 outfits when we get dressed and claim we have "nothing to wear", it's because some guy at some point in our lives made some comment and this is what the end result is. If, as a guy, you've ever made that comment...think of the waiting as karma kicking you in the arse.
- I hate endings. Granted I have new beginnings, but the endings just end. It sucks.
- Not any step closer to going on one date this year OR losing 15 pounds. You would think with all the one or two meal days I've had lately the pounds would be flying off. Alas, none have fleed. I need to make myself less of an inviting host to pounds, maybe then they'd leave! :)
- Anyone know a professional cleaner outer? We need one BAD in our house!Maybe I should just submit us to Clean Sweep. They do things like that - I am thinking of the right show, aren't I?!?!?!!
- How do March 5th and Marh 12th sound alike? They don't. How did I get them confused? Sorry Aim! I'll let you know this week about coming down next weekend. Is that too far away?
- I'm addicted to MySpace. It's kind of like voyuerism I think. Little glimpses into people's lives. People you know, people you don't. It just sucks you in. I need a life! :)
Well, despite my 45 minute nap this afternoon, I'm feeling a bit drowsy and must be my way of signaling me that it's time for bed. I have to work tomorrow to get the boys in shape for our game on Monday. Send positive thoughts our way...we'll need them! )
Happy Saturday Night Everyone! :)
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Mae West, Puffy Shirts and More! :)
I’m in a Blogging kind of mood, so I figured I’d write a bit. It’s all just random stuff.Fasten Your Seatbelts. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride. ;)
How do parents let go? We’ve been having a lot of Senior Nights, as the end of the Winter Season approached. They made me sad. I’ve really grown attached to and enjoyed the Senior Class of our basketball and wrestling teams. I’m going to miss them when they stop coming to see me everyday. I’m happy for them. I loved college, it was WONDERFUL. I wish them the same. I’m just so sad for me! :)
I’ve been fighting the feeling for the last year or so to pick up everything and move to Florida. It might be easier if I didn’t love my job so much. Now, I might love a job down there much better, but I feel I should stay in this one that I love. I think it’s more the urge to do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, the something is usually drastic or time consuming. I know me….it happens when I get bored, or complacent. In the last 3 months I’ve wanted to snowboard, move to the Carribbean (there was a job in the Virgin Island I thought about applying to), take a surfing trip to Australia. See? The only RATIONAL new thing that’s entered my head is learning conversational Spanish. I might try and take a class in the Spring.
I’m going to look at a house on Sunday. I was looking at some stuff online and found one I MIGHT be able to afford. We’ll see how it looks. I’ve been thinking perhaps living at home as really reverted my back to high school. I figured maybe I’d feel more comfortable having a social life if I could do it quietly…without my parents knowing. Not that I would do anything I couldn’t tell them about, but maybe I’d join a book club or something where I could have people to MY house or go on a date, knowing he wouldn’t have to pick me up at my parent’s house….things like that.
I’m going to a Brain Injury Summit at The Meadowlands tomorrow. One of the speakers is a renown Head Injury guy (he invented a concussion grading system – it’s now named after him). I can’t WAIT to hear him speak. Maybe while I’m there, I’ll find the Whippet! :) Anyway, I bought a shirt to go with my suit. I can’t tell if it’s cute, dressy and feminine or would make me a great candidate for the “Puffy Shirt” episode of Seinfeld! (Jill – “But I Don’t WANNA be a Pirate!” ;) ) I think it’s because I don’t see what place ruffles have on a shirt. Stupid designers….but then, I kind of liked this one. I’m sure pictures will be taken, I’ll let you guys decided for yourself.
Monday is our ATSNJ meeting. I have to be there at some ridiculous hour of the morning because I have been given our display and have to set it up before people get there. I hate not only this job/responsibility so much I often wish the display would spontaneously combust and I wouldn’t budget for a new one! :)
I have 3 ridiculous-hour-of-the-morning days almost in a row (Thanks Kare, for picking Noon! I can sleep in! :) ). I hate that! I will be a witch on wheels by Monday! Poor ATSNJ members! (Maybe I can use sleep deprivation and hormones as an excuse when the display “accidentally” falls out of the car on the way there?!?!?! :) ) Not only do I have to be up for 3 days, but I have to be DRESSED UP for 2 of them!!!!!!!
I really am going to miss our seniors. It sucks. For Me.
I keep trying to make plans with friends, but I just get so darn busy! Things don’t seem to be working out with one in particular whom, I just found out today, is going to lose out AGAIN because my boss is taking a vacation the weekend of the 4th and not coming back until late the 6th!
My mom was upset the USA got beat by Canada in curling. I just couldn’t get the “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada” from Avenue Q lyric out of my head! :)
Well, I put cookies in the oven and they’re done now. Almost time for bed, so I can get up when the clock strike RIDICULOUS in the morning! :) Have a GREAT Weekend!
How do parents let go? We’ve been having a lot of Senior Nights, as the end of the Winter Season approached. They made me sad. I’ve really grown attached to and enjoyed the Senior Class of our basketball and wrestling teams. I’m going to miss them when they stop coming to see me everyday. I’m happy for them. I loved college, it was WONDERFUL. I wish them the same. I’m just so sad for me! :)
I’ve been fighting the feeling for the last year or so to pick up everything and move to Florida. It might be easier if I didn’t love my job so much. Now, I might love a job down there much better, but I feel I should stay in this one that I love. I think it’s more the urge to do SOMETHING. Unfortunately, the something is usually drastic or time consuming. I know me….it happens when I get bored, or complacent. In the last 3 months I’ve wanted to snowboard, move to the Carribbean (there was a job in the Virgin Island I thought about applying to), take a surfing trip to Australia. See? The only RATIONAL new thing that’s entered my head is learning conversational Spanish. I might try and take a class in the Spring.
I’m going to look at a house on Sunday. I was looking at some stuff online and found one I MIGHT be able to afford. We’ll see how it looks. I’ve been thinking perhaps living at home as really reverted my back to high school. I figured maybe I’d feel more comfortable having a social life if I could do it quietly…without my parents knowing. Not that I would do anything I couldn’t tell them about, but maybe I’d join a book club or something where I could have people to MY house or go on a date, knowing he wouldn’t have to pick me up at my parent’s house….things like that.
I’m going to a Brain Injury Summit at The Meadowlands tomorrow. One of the speakers is a renown Head Injury guy (he invented a concussion grading system – it’s now named after him). I can’t WAIT to hear him speak. Maybe while I’m there, I’ll find the Whippet! :) Anyway, I bought a shirt to go with my suit. I can’t tell if it’s cute, dressy and feminine or would make me a great candidate for the “Puffy Shirt” episode of Seinfeld! (Jill – “But I Don’t WANNA be a Pirate!” ;) ) I think it’s because I don’t see what place ruffles have on a shirt. Stupid designers….but then, I kind of liked this one. I’m sure pictures will be taken, I’ll let you guys decided for yourself.
Monday is our ATSNJ meeting. I have to be there at some ridiculous hour of the morning because I have been given our display and have to set it up before people get there. I hate not only this job/responsibility so much I often wish the display would spontaneously combust and I wouldn’t budget for a new one! :)
I have 3 ridiculous-hour-of-the-morning days almost in a row (Thanks Kare, for picking Noon! I can sleep in! :) ). I hate that! I will be a witch on wheels by Monday! Poor ATSNJ members! (Maybe I can use sleep deprivation and hormones as an excuse when the display “accidentally” falls out of the car on the way there?!?!?! :) ) Not only do I have to be up for 3 days, but I have to be DRESSED UP for 2 of them!!!!!!!
I really am going to miss our seniors. It sucks. For Me.
I keep trying to make plans with friends, but I just get so darn busy! Things don’t seem to be working out with one in particular whom, I just found out today, is going to lose out AGAIN because my boss is taking a vacation the weekend of the 4th and not coming back until late the 6th!
My mom was upset the USA got beat by Canada in curling. I just couldn’t get the “I’d like you to meet my girlfriend. My girlfriend who lives in Canada” from Avenue Q lyric out of my head! :)
Well, I put cookies in the oven and they’re done now. Almost time for bed, so I can get up when the clock strike RIDICULOUS in the morning! :) Have a GREAT Weekend!
Me In Fours (From Kare)
Me in Fours
Four jobs you've had in your life:
Athletic Trainer
Fundaiser/Special Events Planner
Traffic Person who wrote Guest Passes at SSU
Hostess/Ice Cream Scooper at Friendly's (and I still LOVE their PB sauce!)
Four movies you could [and do] watch over and over:
Bull Durham
The Goonies (Lately)
Clue
Airplane (we've been watching that in the TR too!)
(Hey Kare...DO IT FOR JOHNNY! :) :) )
Four places you've lived:
Salisbury, MD
The Colony, TX
Greensboro, NC
Marlton, NJ
Four fiction books you can't live without:
YA-YA's
The Street Lawyer
And pretty much just those. Don't get me wrong, I love to read, but I can't re-read any book I've already read, b/c it all comes flooding back to me with the opening sentances. So I can't live w/o books, but I could live without most of the ones I've read.
Four non-fiction books you consider essential:
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
The Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures
The GRITS Guide To Life
(Are these fiction or non-fiction? I hated Dewey!)
I want to put in another one that's deep, meaningful and shows "higher level" intelligence....but I just can't! :)
Four TV shows you love to watch:
House
Grey's Anatomy
Boston Legal
CSI
(How come I stop watching "teen" chows and my friends take them up?!?!?!)
Four places you've been on vacation:
Bahamas (cruise)
San Diego
Wisconsin
Ft. Myers, FLA
Four websites/blogs you visit daily:
I don't really visit any daily lately....but the first ones I check when I have a second are
Akrsmile.blogspot.com
Karchamb.blogspot.com ]
Lostlush.blogspot.com
Truejerseygirl.blogspot.com
(I'd read yours AJ, if it changed ever! :) )
Four of your favorite foods:
(being in some weird state of hormone, NOT the correct time to write this, but)
Mac and Cheese
Mashed Potatoes
Chili Dogs
Warm Fresh Baked Bread
And out of left field, I've been craving...
Cheese Enchiladas
Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies
Pizza
Dr. Pepper
Four places you'd rather be:
The Carribean (can I list this 4 times?!?!?!? It's freakin' cold up here!)
In the arms of a handsome man
ANYWHERE (It's anywhere, Kare...anywhere! :) ), singing loudly and off key
21 and back in college
Four albums you can't live without:
Little River Band's Greatest Hits, Little River Band (they're performing at Mardi Gras this year! I tried to add them to MySpace, but darn it, they haven't let me!)
Meet Me In Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett
Love Mix, Jenn Van Hee
The 1's, Beatles
Four jobs you've had in your life:
Athletic Trainer
Fundaiser/Special Events Planner
Traffic Person who wrote Guest Passes at SSU
Hostess/Ice Cream Scooper at Friendly's (and I still LOVE their PB sauce!)
Four movies you could [and do] watch over and over:
Bull Durham
The Goonies (Lately)
Clue
Airplane (we've been watching that in the TR too!)
(Hey Kare...DO IT FOR JOHNNY! :) :) )
Four places you've lived:
Salisbury, MD
The Colony, TX
Greensboro, NC
Marlton, NJ
Four fiction books you can't live without:
YA-YA's
The Street Lawyer
And pretty much just those. Don't get me wrong, I love to read, but I can't re-read any book I've already read, b/c it all comes flooding back to me with the opening sentances. So I can't live w/o books, but I could live without most of the ones I've read.
Four non-fiction books you consider essential:
Taber's Cyclopedic Medical Dictionary
The Encyclopedia of Guilty Pleasures
The GRITS Guide To Life
(Are these fiction or non-fiction? I hated Dewey!)
I want to put in another one that's deep, meaningful and shows "higher level" intelligence....but I just can't! :)
Four TV shows you love to watch:
House
Grey's Anatomy
Boston Legal
CSI
(How come I stop watching "teen" chows and my friends take them up?!?!?!)
Four places you've been on vacation:
Bahamas (cruise)
San Diego
Wisconsin
Ft. Myers, FLA
Four websites/blogs you visit daily:
I don't really visit any daily lately....but the first ones I check when I have a second are
Akrsmile.blogspot.com
Karchamb.blogspot.com ]
Lostlush.blogspot.com
Truejerseygirl.blogspot.com
(I'd read yours AJ, if it changed ever! :) )
Four of your favorite foods:
(being in some weird state of hormone, NOT the correct time to write this, but)
Mac and Cheese
Mashed Potatoes
Chili Dogs
Warm Fresh Baked Bread
And out of left field, I've been craving...
Cheese Enchiladas
Warm Chocolate Chip Cookies
Pizza
Dr. Pepper
Four places you'd rather be:
The Carribean (can I list this 4 times?!?!?!? It's freakin' cold up here!)
In the arms of a handsome man
ANYWHERE (It's anywhere, Kare...anywhere! :) ), singing loudly and off key
21 and back in college
Four albums you can't live without:
Little River Band's Greatest Hits, Little River Band (they're performing at Mardi Gras this year! I tried to add them to MySpace, but darn it, they haven't let me!)
Meet Me In Margaritaville, Jimmy Buffett
Love Mix, Jenn Van Hee
The 1's, Beatles
Wednesday, February 15, 2006
Memories...Light the Corner of my....
Hey!
Does anyone remember where I put the 100 Things About Me List? I can't find it! I searched through every blog I had the attention span to look through and it's nowhere!
This forgetting stuff has been happening alot lately. In the last few weeks I've forgotten my age (figuratively), how to respond when made fun of (inappropriately...hopefully it'll blow over), where I put a picture I haven't seen in 10 years among other things.
Check out MySpace. I added Bode Miller as a friend. No comments. He kinda reminds me of my old roommate Mike in the face. I'm happy I have Bode as a friend! :)
I survived Valentine's Day. Still no closer to being able to think about being with someone forever without hyperventilating, but one thing at a time! :)
I watched the Wedding Crashers on my snow day Sunday. It was cute. I liked it. I think Owen Wilson has a messed up face, but every movie I see him in I'm drawn to him. Think he's a Gemini?
Speaking of Geminis (quick side note, there's a guy from MySpace who's a sports person going through shoulder rehab who I emailed with some encouragement - friend of a friend - anyway, I think he's cute, he lives in Maine, Sox fan....Freakin' Gemini!), I got an email soliciation from my ex-boyfriend Ryan for a race he's in. It said he has been cancer-free for 5 years. It totally threw me. Since he won't answer the email I sent him, I can't tell you any more about it, 'cuz I don't know anymore. Still, I'm totally thrown and not just because I read the email Saturday at 8:30am, but still today am thrown by it. Anyone else?
I'm in some Manic state lately. All the feelings and look of being head over heels in love and not. Can anyone explain this to me?!?!?!?!?
That's it for now. Hope all is well with you all! Happy weekend! :)
Does anyone remember where I put the 100 Things About Me List? I can't find it! I searched through every blog I had the attention span to look through and it's nowhere!
This forgetting stuff has been happening alot lately. In the last few weeks I've forgotten my age (figuratively), how to respond when made fun of (inappropriately...hopefully it'll blow over), where I put a picture I haven't seen in 10 years among other things.
Check out MySpace. I added Bode Miller as a friend. No comments. He kinda reminds me of my old roommate Mike in the face. I'm happy I have Bode as a friend! :)
I survived Valentine's Day. Still no closer to being able to think about being with someone forever without hyperventilating, but one thing at a time! :)
I watched the Wedding Crashers on my snow day Sunday. It was cute. I liked it. I think Owen Wilson has a messed up face, but every movie I see him in I'm drawn to him. Think he's a Gemini?
Speaking of Geminis (quick side note, there's a guy from MySpace who's a sports person going through shoulder rehab who I emailed with some encouragement - friend of a friend - anyway, I think he's cute, he lives in Maine, Sox fan....Freakin' Gemini!), I got an email soliciation from my ex-boyfriend Ryan for a race he's in. It said he has been cancer-free for 5 years. It totally threw me. Since he won't answer the email I sent him, I can't tell you any more about it, 'cuz I don't know anymore. Still, I'm totally thrown and not just because I read the email Saturday at 8:30am, but still today am thrown by it. Anyone else?
I'm in some Manic state lately. All the feelings and look of being head over heels in love and not. Can anyone explain this to me?!?!?!?!?
That's it for now. Hope all is well with you all! Happy weekend! :)
Monday, February 13, 2006
Sad Contridiction in Taste
Is it sad my obsessions lately are this......(I'm watching the Westminster Dog Show as we speak)
Friday, February 03, 2006
You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet. - Clueless
I've come to the realization that I'm picky. I'm sure those that know me well aren't really surprised by this, but it always surprises me.
I see people in passing and think, "Oh, they're cute" or "I'd date him", but when it comes down to it, I don't. Their hair is wrong, they are too loud, they dress funny, their breath stinks, I don't think my friends would like, do they fit with me physically?, they're too skinny or too fat, they're too nice or too mean...you get the picture. I always wonder how people like Paris Hilton or those stupid Olsens always seem to have a boyfriend. Maybe they just aren't picky. I know they probably have a HUGE field of guys banging down their door to date them (although famous ladies like Nicole Kidman and Hallie barry say this isn't true) they can choose from, but to just scoop one up and be with him? I'm guessing they just aren't as picky.
This latest revelation in "picky" came to my attention tonight as I was playing on my MySpace site. I'm trying to figure out how to customize it a few nights ago, when I stumble across the "Browse" section. This is so cool! So, I search for guys in my area. How fun! I look around and after 4 or 5 pages of guys aged 27-35, I quit. I looked at a couple, felt like I had stumbled into a frat house and walked out. :)
So tonight I decided to give myself a boost. (I'm gonna tangent alittle here, but bear with me, I'll come back.)
I'd been watching CNN (since we only get that and the school announcements channel at work) and they were interviewing "The Year of Yes" woman. You know, the woman who said yes to any date for a whole year? For as cool as it sounded and as positive a message she put across, I was cynical. I mean, Hell I could say yes to every date I was offered if I could say "See? I'm writing this book and I'm saying yes to everybody.". This way I wouldn't be a pedophile if a 16 year-old boy asked me out; or a lesbian if a woman asked me out (this woman dated a woman who wanted the author to have a baby for her). "I'm just saying yes for my book or for the experience." This would also be a great way to not have to go on a second date with someone who bored you to tears. Or a way to not break the heart of someone you go out with once and pines for you over a year later. (Sidetrack coming) I mean, it was one date. I was bored. He obviously wasn't right for me, not to mention I was still upset from tne Neil/moving home thing. He still asks if I think I might be read to date again. Never date a friend/collegue of your mother's son. It's just bad news. Ok., I'm back.
Remember how earlier this year or maybe late last year I wrote about how I can take "being bad" into a whole other level of crap? I can do the same with men. I attract all the wrong kind of men - men I'm not attracted to, but are nice, the creepy-he's-got-a car, so-we-keep-him-around friend of hot men, the you're-so-pretty-why-are-you-or-any-other-girl-talking-to-me man, the have-you-met-Jesus man, the I'm-your RA/teacher/authority person-but-I-don't-care man, the I'm-not-ever-monogomous man and my favorite I'm-married/engaged-but-my-wife/fiance's-not-in-town/here man-this latest of this one coming just two or three weekends ago (on a rare night out for me). After the last one, I was driving home thinking "Am I nuts? I keep saying all I want is a date, to have fun, someone who's interested in me and I have someone interested in me and don't want him!" Now, granted the big "HELLO?!?!?! He was married! Lives in Maine! Has been married twice!" bell was going off in my head too. I kept thinking maybe I just wasn't wording it right. Maybe I kept asking for ketchup and getting mustard because I was just saying "condiment" instead of "ketchup". Or maybe I have a weird disease, like that guy on House who wanted one thing, but his brain got confused and picked a word close to it and THAT came out of his mouth. Maybe somewhere my lines were getting crossed. When I asked for reassurance I was attractive, maybe I should've asked for someone who made me feel attractive and was single.
Maybe it should've sounded like "B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D" (Kare, just for you...a song quote "I want all that stupid old (shite), like Letters and Sodas.) and instead came out like "A-N-Y-O-N-E W-H-O W-I-L-L P-A-Y A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N T-O M-E.". After tonight, though, it's clear. I'm just too picky.
I was on MySpace and thought I'd give myself a lift. A little of that reassurance that someone IS out there for me. Someone I could at least have some things in common with, be attracted to...maybe go on more than one date with. I "Browsed" for the WHOLE United States this time in the advanced search. I put in all the criteria it let me, except area. It hit for 709 guys! Now, if this were an experiment, we'd have to look at the flaws, so here we go:
-Granted, these were only a sample of people who had a MySpace site, so maybe only a certain type of person had these sites. Not truly a random or representative sample, but enough for an idea. Plus, I have a MySpace site, so maybe people like me would too.
-I maybe should be a little more open minded about age range, but I wanted to do the narrowest scope of my mindset on dating right now.
-The search DID exclude people who hadn't posted pictures, and I excluded those who posted pictures of celebs or cartoons, since I wanted it to be people I found attractive.
-I did only use the broad search criteria provided by MySpace. This doesnt' take into account the ever growing list of things I'd want in a potential mate. That sounds like I'm hard-core husband hunting, but essentially a girl's gotta have a list. I'm sure guys have one too. There's make or break criteria, the fleixble criteria and the "they've got everything else, who cares about these?!?" criteria. There's gotta be a line to draw when dating somewhere.
I'm sure there are other flaws, but oh well. I also wanted to see where they lived. If most of them were in California, then clearly, I am not on the right ocean! :)
Here's what I found - 3. Of the 709 men listed in my search, I found 3 I was somewhat interested in or had interests in common. I did click on a few other pictures and sites, but other than a cute picture, nothing on the listing stood out as, hey, maybe I'd date that guy, so I didn't count them in my final analysis. Of the 3, one was in Maine, one in Austin and one in Utah.
I could go two ways with this. Maybe a picky person would've come up with no one they found even worthy of coffee, lunch or dinner. (Yea!) Maybe a person who is open would've found more. (Boo Hiss!) Figure there are much more men in the entire Untied States that would fit my MySpace criteria than 709 (lets hope!). Then they'd have to weed through my personal criteria (although MySpace covers a couple that are on my make or break list). So, if there's only 3 left after all that and they're spread out all over the country, what are my chances of finding someone to make me happy (mostly - I'm a bit of a realist too! It won't all be roses and kisses, but enough to stay together) "until death do us part"? How does that happen? Is there really a Soul Mate? Or is it just a race to whichever of the 3 I meet first at the right time? Or maybe, maybe I'm just too picky! :) :)
I see people in passing and think, "Oh, they're cute" or "I'd date him", but when it comes down to it, I don't. Their hair is wrong, they are too loud, they dress funny, their breath stinks, I don't think my friends would like, do they fit with me physically?, they're too skinny or too fat, they're too nice or too mean...you get the picture. I always wonder how people like Paris Hilton or those stupid Olsens always seem to have a boyfriend. Maybe they just aren't picky. I know they probably have a HUGE field of guys banging down their door to date them (although famous ladies like Nicole Kidman and Hallie barry say this isn't true) they can choose from, but to just scoop one up and be with him? I'm guessing they just aren't as picky.
This latest revelation in "picky" came to my attention tonight as I was playing on my MySpace site. I'm trying to figure out how to customize it a few nights ago, when I stumble across the "Browse" section. This is so cool! So, I search for guys in my area. How fun! I look around and after 4 or 5 pages of guys aged 27-35, I quit. I looked at a couple, felt like I had stumbled into a frat house and walked out. :)
So tonight I decided to give myself a boost. (I'm gonna tangent alittle here, but bear with me, I'll come back.)
I'd been watching CNN (since we only get that and the school announcements channel at work) and they were interviewing "The Year of Yes" woman. You know, the woman who said yes to any date for a whole year? For as cool as it sounded and as positive a message she put across, I was cynical. I mean, Hell I could say yes to every date I was offered if I could say "See? I'm writing this book and I'm saying yes to everybody.". This way I wouldn't be a pedophile if a 16 year-old boy asked me out; or a lesbian if a woman asked me out (this woman dated a woman who wanted the author to have a baby for her). "I'm just saying yes for my book or for the experience." This would also be a great way to not have to go on a second date with someone who bored you to tears. Or a way to not break the heart of someone you go out with once and pines for you over a year later. (Sidetrack coming) I mean, it was one date. I was bored. He obviously wasn't right for me, not to mention I was still upset from tne Neil/moving home thing. He still asks if I think I might be read to date again. Never date a friend/collegue of your mother's son. It's just bad news. Ok., I'm back.
Remember how earlier this year or maybe late last year I wrote about how I can take "being bad" into a whole other level of crap? I can do the same with men. I attract all the wrong kind of men - men I'm not attracted to, but are nice, the creepy-he's-got-a car, so-we-keep-him-around friend of hot men, the you're-so-pretty-why-are-you-or-any-other-girl-talking-to-me man, the have-you-met-Jesus man, the I'm-your RA/teacher/authority person-but-I-don't-care man, the I'm-not-ever-monogomous man and my favorite I'm-married/engaged-but-my-wife/fiance's-not-in-town/here man-this latest of this one coming just two or three weekends ago (on a rare night out for me). After the last one, I was driving home thinking "Am I nuts? I keep saying all I want is a date, to have fun, someone who's interested in me and I have someone interested in me and don't want him!" Now, granted the big "HELLO?!?!?! He was married! Lives in Maine! Has been married twice!" bell was going off in my head too. I kept thinking maybe I just wasn't wording it right. Maybe I kept asking for ketchup and getting mustard because I was just saying "condiment" instead of "ketchup". Or maybe I have a weird disease, like that guy on House who wanted one thing, but his brain got confused and picked a word close to it and THAT came out of his mouth. Maybe somewhere my lines were getting crossed. When I asked for reassurance I was attractive, maybe I should've asked for someone who made me feel attractive and was single.
Maybe it should've sounded like "B-O-Y-F-R-I-E-N-D" (Kare, just for you...a song quote "I want all that stupid old (shite), like Letters and Sodas.) and instead came out like "A-N-Y-O-N-E W-H-O W-I-L-L P-A-Y A-T-T-E-N-T-I-O-N T-O M-E.". After tonight, though, it's clear. I'm just too picky.
I was on MySpace and thought I'd give myself a lift. A little of that reassurance that someone IS out there for me. Someone I could at least have some things in common with, be attracted to...maybe go on more than one date with. I "Browsed" for the WHOLE United States this time in the advanced search. I put in all the criteria it let me, except area. It hit for 709 guys! Now, if this were an experiment, we'd have to look at the flaws, so here we go:
-Granted, these were only a sample of people who had a MySpace site, so maybe only a certain type of person had these sites. Not truly a random or representative sample, but enough for an idea. Plus, I have a MySpace site, so maybe people like me would too.
-I maybe should be a little more open minded about age range, but I wanted to do the narrowest scope of my mindset on dating right now.
-The search DID exclude people who hadn't posted pictures, and I excluded those who posted pictures of celebs or cartoons, since I wanted it to be people I found attractive.
-I did only use the broad search criteria provided by MySpace. This doesnt' take into account the ever growing list of things I'd want in a potential mate. That sounds like I'm hard-core husband hunting, but essentially a girl's gotta have a list. I'm sure guys have one too. There's make or break criteria, the fleixble criteria and the "they've got everything else, who cares about these?!?" criteria. There's gotta be a line to draw when dating somewhere.
I'm sure there are other flaws, but oh well. I also wanted to see where they lived. If most of them were in California, then clearly, I am not on the right ocean! :)
Here's what I found - 3. Of the 709 men listed in my search, I found 3 I was somewhat interested in or had interests in common. I did click on a few other pictures and sites, but other than a cute picture, nothing on the listing stood out as, hey, maybe I'd date that guy, so I didn't count them in my final analysis. Of the 3, one was in Maine, one in Austin and one in Utah.
I could go two ways with this. Maybe a picky person would've come up with no one they found even worthy of coffee, lunch or dinner. (Yea!) Maybe a person who is open would've found more. (Boo Hiss!) Figure there are much more men in the entire Untied States that would fit my MySpace criteria than 709 (lets hope!). Then they'd have to weed through my personal criteria (although MySpace covers a couple that are on my make or break list). So, if there's only 3 left after all that and they're spread out all over the country, what are my chances of finding someone to make me happy (mostly - I'm a bit of a realist too! It won't all be roses and kisses, but enough to stay together) "until death do us part"? How does that happen? Is there really a Soul Mate? Or is it just a race to whichever of the 3 I meet first at the right time? Or maybe, maybe I'm just too picky! :) :)
Thursday, January 26, 2006
The Center of Being
Hey Everyone!
Just today my friend Don and I were email discussing my signature/tagling quote (which I have since changed to reflect the coming season). The quote was "At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want." -Lao-tzu
Does anyone ever feel as though you've known what you are your whole life? People talk about the journey to discover self, or "finding yourself" or other such quests in life. I'm pretty sure I've been the same me, more or less, since I was 2 years-old. Not having a memory that extends that far, I draw this conclusion from the numerous times since I've been home (read: millions of times) my mother has said "You are the same person you were when you were two!". I completely believe this.
For awhile after I moved home, I felt lost. It stems from rejection and the notion that maybe something you loved and opened to another person is the part of you that sent them running. I've felt like I'm sorting through each aspect of myself saying "Was it this? Was it this?". It's the same problem I have with my closet (and for those of you who've seen it, you know why! :) ). I look at something, try to get rid of it for a new something, but like it, so I keep it and just add-on to my closet. My personality has become the same way. I analyzed everything after Neil. It's such a blow to your self-confidence. Little by little over the last 4 years (have I mentioned lately how completely unfair and sucky it is that it has taken me 4 years to recover from heartbreak and in that time he's gotten married? Just thought I'd mention it again, in case the Cosmos would like to explain it to me THIS time that I mention it! :) ) I realized that I love pretty much all of the me I've been since I was 2 years-old and I'm gonna keep it. I found I liked it all, so I'm just adding to it.
It's the adding things that's tricky. Similar to the closet, eventually you run out of places to put something, or you realize you have 15 pairs of black pants in varying and sometimes conflicting styles. I guess being low maintainance and an increasingly picky eater really ARE contridictory. :)
I also know myself so well, it's hard to believe the new stuff isn't just one of thoses phases I go through. a flash-in-the-pan. For as well as alot of you know me, I know myself better. I realize I'm grumpy and irritable and when I get like this I overreact and become irrational. I know I overanalyze things. Sometimes to the point of wanting to jump out of my own head and just be for awhile. I know I'm emotional, both good and bad. I know I'm sometimes like a naive little puppy dog, just believing because it's easier than the alternative and sometimes think the best of people who just end up hurting me. I know I'm goofy and kid-like and simple, all while being serious, mature and complex. I know I've never had a dream in life except to dream (not in a creepy, desperate kind of way, but in a when I picture my future it's like this kind of way) of being a wife and mother in a loving family. I know I don't like the texture of the foods I don't like. I know I get overstimulated by noise and it makes me cranky. I know I'm "girly", even though I swear I'm "just like one of the boys". Seeing as how I've already admitted to being overanalytical, i've pretty much spent 4 or more years absorbing everything everyone has ever said about me, plus the introspection, processed it and figured out, I am what I am....and have been since I was 2 years-old.
It's sometimes frustrating because the answer to life frustrations when you get older is "everything in due time" or "you're right where you're supposed to be" or "everything happens in it's own time and own place" (kinda like the everything happens for a reason crap) or "maybe you just aren't where you need to be yet". I love the last one. I've been where I am for 28 years! I've added some, experienced some, lived some, analyzed the h*ll out of all of it, so if i'm not where I need to be, I'm so far away without any hope of getting back so I'll never get there. (Did I mention I know I'm stubborn, hard-headed and prone to temper outbursts? ;) ) It's not that I won't try to get there, but every "road" leads me back to me. The me I am now. The me I've been since I was 2 years-old. If you don't believe me, ask my Mom!
Just today my friend Don and I were email discussing my signature/tagling quote (which I have since changed to reflect the coming season). The quote was "At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want." -Lao-tzu
Does anyone ever feel as though you've known what you are your whole life? People talk about the journey to discover self, or "finding yourself" or other such quests in life. I'm pretty sure I've been the same me, more or less, since I was 2 years-old. Not having a memory that extends that far, I draw this conclusion from the numerous times since I've been home (read: millions of times) my mother has said "You are the same person you were when you were two!". I completely believe this.
For awhile after I moved home, I felt lost. It stems from rejection and the notion that maybe something you loved and opened to another person is the part of you that sent them running. I've felt like I'm sorting through each aspect of myself saying "Was it this? Was it this?". It's the same problem I have with my closet (and for those of you who've seen it, you know why! :) ). I look at something, try to get rid of it for a new something, but like it, so I keep it and just add-on to my closet. My personality has become the same way. I analyzed everything after Neil. It's such a blow to your self-confidence. Little by little over the last 4 years (have I mentioned lately how completely unfair and sucky it is that it has taken me 4 years to recover from heartbreak and in that time he's gotten married? Just thought I'd mention it again, in case the Cosmos would like to explain it to me THIS time that I mention it! :) ) I realized that I love pretty much all of the me I've been since I was 2 years-old and I'm gonna keep it. I found I liked it all, so I'm just adding to it.
It's the adding things that's tricky. Similar to the closet, eventually you run out of places to put something, or you realize you have 15 pairs of black pants in varying and sometimes conflicting styles. I guess being low maintainance and an increasingly picky eater really ARE contridictory. :)
I also know myself so well, it's hard to believe the new stuff isn't just one of thoses phases I go through. a flash-in-the-pan. For as well as alot of you know me, I know myself better. I realize I'm grumpy and irritable and when I get like this I overreact and become irrational. I know I overanalyze things. Sometimes to the point of wanting to jump out of my own head and just be for awhile. I know I'm emotional, both good and bad. I know I'm sometimes like a naive little puppy dog, just believing because it's easier than the alternative and sometimes think the best of people who just end up hurting me. I know I'm goofy and kid-like and simple, all while being serious, mature and complex. I know I've never had a dream in life except to dream (not in a creepy, desperate kind of way, but in a when I picture my future it's like this kind of way) of being a wife and mother in a loving family. I know I don't like the texture of the foods I don't like. I know I get overstimulated by noise and it makes me cranky. I know I'm "girly", even though I swear I'm "just like one of the boys". Seeing as how I've already admitted to being overanalytical, i've pretty much spent 4 or more years absorbing everything everyone has ever said about me, plus the introspection, processed it and figured out, I am what I am....and have been since I was 2 years-old.
It's sometimes frustrating because the answer to life frustrations when you get older is "everything in due time" or "you're right where you're supposed to be" or "everything happens in it's own time and own place" (kinda like the everything happens for a reason crap) or "maybe you just aren't where you need to be yet". I love the last one. I've been where I am for 28 years! I've added some, experienced some, lived some, analyzed the h*ll out of all of it, so if i'm not where I need to be, I'm so far away without any hope of getting back so I'll never get there. (Did I mention I know I'm stubborn, hard-headed and prone to temper outbursts? ;) ) It's not that I won't try to get there, but every "road" leads me back to me. The me I am now. The me I've been since I was 2 years-old. If you don't believe me, ask my Mom!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
Where oh Where Has My Little Girl Gone?!?!?!?
Hey!
I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. (Not as long as some people, though.) Ever feel like you're doing so much and nothing's getting done? My world's in chaos! My living space, my head...I have no idea what day it is and just missed a bill payment because I forgot it was the 21st! Ugh! Gotta get my head straight and some organization. Maybe some sleep would be good too! Anyway, here's the latest:
* The stupid post office lost two of my piece of mail. I'm guessing they're lost, as they have yet to be returned to my house and the charitable donation I made for Christmas and one of my bills have yet to reach their destination. I mailed them on 12/17/05. Gotta love the late fee on my credit card when I was SO early in mailing the payment. (No lectures on online payment. The company posted one of those 3 days after I wanted it paid and 5 days after I actually submitted it online on THEIR website. I should've learned NEVER to do business with Bank of America!!!!)
* Got a stupid icky cough two days after Christmas. It was annoying and made me really tired. After the requisite 2 weeks, I went to the Dr., got my antibiotic and am just now starting to feel back to normal.
* I've worked the last 3 weekends (Saturdays) in a row, a couple of them were all day events. WE've got 2 more 8-5 Saturdays this month, then hopefully I'll get a break.
* Ya'll know how I'm not a big fan of staying ot late? Well, my friend Diane who I worked with at UNCG was in town for a soccer convention this past weekend. I went to meet her Friday night after our B-ball game and ended up getting home around 3am!!!! I never knew this hour existed! :) It was a tough Saturday at work from 8-1, but I muddled through. Then Sunday, I babysat her 4 1/2 year-old while she went to a meeting. What a cutie! :) (And how many times can you say you spent time in a closet in the Ritz-Carlton hiding from monsters?!?!?!? :)
* Speaking of Friday night, I had a great time despite the late hour. Mostly it was male attention. On the drive home, I got to thinking (which is something you should NEVER do in the early morning when you're tired!) about how contradictory I am. I want attention and to hold me raptured by my beauty, charm and wit ( ;) ), but when I get it, it's never the right person. The guy was great - funny, charming...older, married. Even if he wasn't, I wasn't really attracted to him. It was fun to dance (Salsa or something maybe vaguely resembling it, as I couldn't remember anything from the lessons I took a year ago!)and feel like you were the only person in the room. Now, if I could only attract that attention from a single, cute, young guy! :)
*The athletes in our Training Room taught me text messaging. It's a pain in the arse on my current phone, though. I can see how it can get addicting. I only used it to talk to Diane a few times while she was in meetings. The other thing they've taught me is MySpace. I'm too old to look at any of their sites, but here's mine.
http://www.myspace.com/blondieatc
Enjoy! I'm still navigating the site and hope to make it look like some of the others I've seen. Maybe I'll get my boss' 16 year-old daughter to help me! Man, I never thought I'd be the old, technology-ignorant people I make fun of! :)
* My stupid least favorite holiday is coming up. I realized I have actually spent 2 of them (in my 30 years) as part of a couple and neither were romantic or exciting, really. Maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be. However, this year my sneezing is at a minimum and there's a little tug in the chest area when I see the Valentine's Stuff up in stores. (The sneezing thing was a joke in H.S. We used to say I was allergic. Really, I think it's the smelly heart stuff, but I really do sneeze my head off usually in those aisles! :) )
* I took Dad to the airport today for a week in Dallas. Did you know there's 2 6am's on the clock?!?!? See? I'm finding all these new hours! I always wondered how they came up with the "24 Hours In A Day" saying! :) ;) :) Mom leaves next week for a week or so in Brasil for Jeremiah (my cousin)'s wedding. It should be fun! I wish I had vacation, I would've gone! In all the chaos, I feel I have no idea what's going on with the people I live with. We never seem to talk lately as everyone is so busy and running here and there.
* I've also been getting lost in my iTune and with my music. I miss music! Just don't here too much good stuff anymore. Maybe I'll head to satellite now. I'll hem and haw for another year or so, then something else will be out. ;)
* I've been looking into buying a house, townhouse or condo, but they're just too darn much! I keep saying, well, when my car payment goes down in November. The truth is, even with that extra money, it's not enough for a mortgage, utilities, food and living. Frustrating.
Well, I'd better get dressed and together for work before I end up late thinking I have all this time and it just passes by until I'm late. (Exact same thing that happened with the bill on the 21st!) Hope all is well with everyone!
I know it's been awhile since I've been on here. (Not as long as some people
* The stupid post office lost two of my piece of mail. I'm guessing they're lost, as they have yet to be returned to my house and the charitable donation I made for Christmas and one of my bills have yet to reach their destination. I mailed them on 12/17/05. Gotta love the late fee on my credit card when I was SO early in mailing the payment. (No lectures on online payment. The company posted one of those 3 days after I wanted it paid and 5 days after I actually submitted it online on THEIR website. I should've learned NEVER to do business with Bank of America!!!!)
* Got a stupid icky cough two days after Christmas. It was annoying and made me really tired. After the requisite 2 weeks, I went to the Dr., got my antibiotic and am just now starting to feel back to normal.
* I've worked the last 3 weekends (Saturdays) in a row, a couple of them were all day events. WE've got 2 more 8-5 Saturdays this month, then hopefully I'll get a break.
* Ya'll know how I'm not a big fan of staying ot late? Well, my friend Diane who I worked with at UNCG was in town for a soccer convention this past weekend. I went to meet her Friday night after our B-ball game and ended up getting home around 3am!!!! I never knew this hour existed! :) It was a tough Saturday at work from 8-1, but I muddled through. Then Sunday, I babysat her 4 1/2 year-old while she went to a meeting. What a cutie! :) (And how many times can you say you spent time in a closet in the Ritz-Carlton hiding from monsters?!?!?!? :)
* Speaking of Friday night, I had a great time despite the late hour. Mostly it was male attention. On the drive home, I got to thinking (which is something you should NEVER do in the early morning when you're tired!) about how contradictory I am. I want attention and to hold me raptured by my beauty, charm and wit ( ;) ), but when I get it, it's never the right person. The guy was great - funny, charming...older, married. Even if he wasn't, I wasn't really attracted to him. It was fun to dance (Salsa or something maybe vaguely resembling it, as I couldn't remember anything from the lessons I took a year ago!)and feel like you were the only person in the room. Now, if I could only attract that attention from a single, cute, young guy! :)
*The athletes in our Training Room taught me text messaging. It's a pain in the arse on my current phone, though. I can see how it can get addicting. I only used it to talk to Diane a few times while she was in meetings. The other thing they've taught me is MySpace. I'm too old to look at any of their sites, but here's mine.
http://www.myspace.com/blondieatc
Enjoy! I'm still navigating the site and hope to make it look like some of the others I've seen. Maybe I'll get my boss' 16 year-old daughter to help me! Man, I never thought I'd be the old, technology-ignorant people I make fun of! :)
* My stupid least favorite holiday is coming up. I realized I have actually spent 2 of them (in my 30 years) as part of a couple and neither were romantic or exciting, really. Maybe they're not all they're cracked up to be. However, this year my sneezing is at a minimum and there's a little tug in the chest area when I see the Valentine's Stuff up in stores. (The sneezing thing was a joke in H.S. We used to say I was allergic. Really, I think it's the smelly heart stuff, but I really do sneeze my head off usually in those aisles! :) )
* I took Dad to the airport today for a week in Dallas. Did you know there's 2 6am's on the clock?!?!? See? I'm finding all these new hours! I always wondered how they came up with the "24 Hours In A Day" saying! :) ;) :) Mom leaves next week for a week or so in Brasil for Jeremiah (my cousin)'s wedding. It should be fun! I wish I had vacation, I would've gone! In all the chaos, I feel I have no idea what's going on with the people I live with. We never seem to talk lately as everyone is so busy and running here and there.
* I've also been getting lost in my iTune and with my music. I miss music! Just don't here too much good stuff anymore. Maybe I'll head to satellite now. I'll hem and haw for another year or so, then something else will be out. ;)
* I've been looking into buying a house, townhouse or condo, but they're just too darn much! I keep saying, well, when my car payment goes down in November. The truth is, even with that extra money, it's not enough for a mortgage, utilities, food and living. Frustrating.
Well, I'd better get dressed and together for work before I end up late thinking I have all this time and it just passes by until I'm late. (Exact same thing that happened with the bill on the 21st!) Hope all is well with everyone!
Monday, January 16, 2006
Jigga Waht? Jigga Who?
Hey Guys!
I was playing around on Blogthings and thought I'd share the results with ya. Try your own and Enjoy! :)
MY PIMP NAME IS.....Sweetness Money
IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A CHARMING BEEKEEPER IN KOREA WHO DIED OF DISSENTARY
THE CELEB WHO MATCHES MY MUSICAL TASTE IS NICOLE KIDMAN
I JUST MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR :) You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry.
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.
HAVE A GOOD DAY....WAVE YOUR FREAK FLAG! :) You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
I was playing around on Blogthings and thought I'd share the results with ya. Try your own and Enjoy! :)
MY PIMP NAME IS.....Sweetness Money
IN A PAST LIFE I WAS A CHARMING BEEKEEPER IN KOREA WHO DIED OF DISSENTARY
THE CELEB WHO MATCHES MY MUSICAL TASTE IS NICOLE KIDMAN
I JUST MADE YOU SAY UNDERWEAR :) You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry.
You're comfortable in your own skin - and don't care to impress anyone.
HAVE A GOOD DAY....WAVE YOUR FREAK FLAG! :) You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.
You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Good Girl or Bad Girl?
You see, when the mind houses two personalities, there's always a conflict, a battle. - Psycho
Lord knows I house at least two! Luckily for me they don't fight out loud in public! :) The biggest battle I've been struggling with lately is the same one I've faced my whole teen and adult life. Good Girl or Bad Girl? There is no in between. Somehow, I completely screw up each one with the other one. So really, I'm neither and not in between. So where does that leave me?
Maybe I should back up. The struggle has been ongoing due to one thing. Hormones. I swear it's the cause of the strong bad girl inside me. I know you male readers may tune out here. Fine. Go. I think the females though...well, you may understand, even relate to my inner struggle. The cheering for the bad girl in the movie because you wish you could be like her. Loathing the good girl because you see yourself in her. And yet, cheering for her too because you want to know it does work out for the good girl. It's why every little girl loves Grease. Rizzo (who really isn't all that "bad") and Sandy both win.
There's the part of me that wants to throw on pleather pants and a tight, short top and go out, dance, drink, seduce strange men, kick up and be wild. It fights the part of me that dresses in Ralph Lauren, knows the image is everything (especially in a career), doesn't want rumors or trouble, has seen this side of me hurt people and hurt me before and knows we won't feel great the next day.
The part of me that wants a torrid affair/romance, to seduce strange men and not give a crap who I hurt, to walk with that edge, a borderline cocky/confident/"screw you" attitude I vaguely remember feeling from time to time in my life. The Rizzo. The other part that wants love and settling down with a family, a man who'd kind, sweet, smart, funny, settled and secure, to be known as loving, nurtuting and caring for others feelings, to have people see me with a gentle, kind face and loving attitude. I've felt this one too. The Sandy.
It's Melanie versus Scarlett. I've been both and each time one's around for too long, the other wants to come raging forth. I've been the woman with the kind sweetness who feels the "I wish I could be like you Scarlett." Who did everything right and good. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." I've also had to walk into the party in that (Beautiful) red dress, knowing everyone is staring at you, talking about the horrible thing you'd done. "There are worse things I could do."
And yet, I often wish to be both of them again. Lately, the Scarlett in me feels she's been gone for too long. The Melly in me, fighting to keep us "scandal-free" or at least out of trouble. The fight rages on. Maybe going off the hormones I've been on for 10+ years was not a good idea. It won't be a balanced fight and I'm afraid bad might come of it. Only time will tell...
Lord knows I house at least two! Luckily for me they don't fight out loud in public! :) The biggest battle I've been struggling with lately is the same one I've faced my whole teen and adult life. Good Girl or Bad Girl? There is no in between. Somehow, I completely screw up each one with the other one. So really, I'm neither and not in between. So where does that leave me?
Maybe I should back up. The struggle has been ongoing due to one thing. Hormones. I swear it's the cause of the strong bad girl inside me. I know you male readers may tune out here. Fine. Go. I think the females though...well, you may understand, even relate to my inner struggle. The cheering for the bad girl in the movie because you wish you could be like her. Loathing the good girl because you see yourself in her. And yet, cheering for her too because you want to know it does work out for the good girl. It's why every little girl loves Grease. Rizzo (who really isn't all that "bad") and Sandy both win.
There's the part of me that wants to throw on pleather pants and a tight, short top and go out, dance, drink, seduce strange men, kick up and be wild. It fights the part of me that dresses in Ralph Lauren, knows the image is everything (especially in a career), doesn't want rumors or trouble, has seen this side of me hurt people and hurt me before and knows we won't feel great the next day.
The part of me that wants a torrid affair/romance, to seduce strange men and not give a crap who I hurt, to walk with that edge, a borderline cocky/confident/"screw you" attitude I vaguely remember feeling from time to time in my life. The Rizzo. The other part that wants love and settling down with a family, a man who'd kind, sweet, smart, funny, settled and secure, to be known as loving, nurtuting and caring for others feelings, to have people see me with a gentle, kind face and loving attitude. I've felt this one too. The Sandy.
It's Melanie versus Scarlett. I've been both and each time one's around for too long, the other wants to come raging forth. I've been the woman with the kind sweetness who feels the "I wish I could be like you Scarlett." Who did everything right and good. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." I've also had to walk into the party in that (Beautiful) red dress, knowing everyone is staring at you, talking about the horrible thing you'd done. "There are worse things I could do."
And yet, I often wish to be both of them again. Lately, the Scarlett in me feels she's been gone for too long. The Melly in me, fighting to keep us "scandal-free" or at least out of trouble. The fight rages on. Maybe going off the hormones I've been on for 10+ years was not a good idea. It won't be a balanced fight and I'm afraid bad might come of it. Only time will tell...
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Over and Over Again....
I suck.
Yep. Happy New Year. I suck.
I was reading Kare's blog and thought, yeah, I'll look at my resolutions too. I'm positive I accomplished them all this year! It just kind of reinforced a few things I know about myself, but am too optimistic to outwardly believe:
1) I have NO sticktuitiveness for things (I blame my ADD, when really, I should just buckle down and make myself). I cave so easily. I am excellent at convincing myself not to listen to myself.
2) I am optimistic to a fault. The fault being I am a dreamer with my head in a fairy tale and don't listen to the realist me reminding me of #1.
3) I suck. ;)
See? I'm bananas. (Best word I could come up with, even with the help of Thesaurus.com! :) ) So, here's my blog/list from last year with bold commentary from me this year! :)
So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions I'm recycling past resolutions for this year. (See I recycled last year's resolutions from some previous years. See what I mean about sticktuitiveness?!?!? Wonder how many years I've been carrying these over? )
1. Lose 15 pounds I actually gained 10. So far since the New Year, I've lost 6. YEAH ME! :)
2. Start running again (making #1 SO much easier)I did this for a few weeks, but once it got fairly easy, I quit. It was too much time to get to the gym, run, sweat, then come home.
3. Keep my floor clean (which hopefully will be easy once I clean it tonight) I cleaned it in time to ring in 2006, does this count? Otherwise, I don't think I truly saw my floor since week 3 of 2005.
4. Learn Spanish I have been learning some words. I can't repeat them. I'm nowhere close to fluent. I have no patience for less than fluent. Hence, the Spanish lessons are slow going.
5. Learn to play the piano Here again...I took some lessons with our band teacher. Then school ended and our piano is out of tune. It sits in the room that is dad's office, so I can't have them tune it while he's at work during he week. The one trip he went on, he had people paint the inside of the house. So, our piano is still out of tune and I still can play one chord.
6. Get better about keeping in touch with friends and family Um....how many of you feel like I've dropped off the face of your earth? I feel like I have too. I'll try harder this year. I mean, I'm already doing well. I emailed Kare today in response to her Dec. 20th email about getting together over the holiday. :) Maybe if I can complete my resolution 1) for this year, I'll be better at this one from last year.
7. Eat better I have done this. I've become a better eater! :)
8. Help out more around the house I've tried. I've failed, I think, but I've tried.
9. Save money I had to do this. I saved and saved last year, then travelled and travelled this summer. I'll save and save again this year! :)
10. Be more patient Done. Check. One down, 9 to go! :)
Maybe this time around, these resolutions will actually get crossed off the list of things to do. I hope you all have a great New Year and keep every resolution you set in 2005.
Well, instead of promising that for this year, I've decided to break the chain and NOT recycle my howevermanyyearsold New Years Resolutions listed above. I'm creating new ones.....
1) Do something newsworthy. One of the reasons I don't keep in touch well is because I don't really have anything new to ever report to anyone. I want this to change. Good things, maybe yummy scandalous things...but at least something worthy to report to my friends on the phone.
2) Go out on a date. I'm resolving to only one date, because I want to be able to accomplish at least one on this list. Maybe this year I can shake the "He's not Neil" demons and appreciate someone for who they are...at least long enough to get through one date! :)
3)Be the best me I can be! And love the idiosyncratic things about me that may one day make me a great David E. Kelley sitcom! :) (I already do, but maybe accept them and not deny them is a better phrase than love them)
I'm sticking with 3. I should be able to accomplish 3. Maybe if I can get through 3, then it disproves the "sticktuitiveness" thing I knew about me at the beginning of this blog. AND, if we throw THAT out the window, then it proves I can change and I don't NEED to accept my idiosyncrases, because I can change, which I think negates number 3. :) So really, maybe I'm only resolving 2 things and everyone else in the world should learn to embrace and love me for me! :)
How hard can 2 resolutions be?!?!?!? Here we go, 361 days left. The race is on! :) Happy 2006 Everyone! Hope you get through your list before time runs out! :)
Yep. Happy New Year. I suck.
I was reading Kare's blog and thought, yeah, I'll look at my resolutions too. I'm positive I accomplished them all this year! It just kind of reinforced a few things I know about myself, but am too optimistic to outwardly believe:
1) I have NO sticktuitiveness for things (I blame my ADD, when really, I should just buckle down and make myself). I cave so easily. I am excellent at convincing myself not to listen to myself.
2) I am optimistic to a fault. The fault being I am a dreamer with my head in a fairy tale and don't listen to the realist me reminding me of #1.
3) I suck. ;)
See? I'm bananas. (Best word I could come up with, even with the help of Thesaurus.com! :) ) So, here's my blog/list from last year with bold commentary from me this year! :)
So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions I'm recycling past resolutions for this year. (See I recycled last year's resolutions from some previous years. See what I mean about sticktuitiveness?!?!? Wonder how many years I've been carrying these over? )
1. Lose 15 pounds I actually gained 10. So far since the New Year, I've lost 6. YEAH ME! :)
2. Start running again (making #1 SO much easier)I did this for a few weeks, but once it got fairly easy, I quit. It was too much time to get to the gym, run, sweat, then come home.
3. Keep my floor clean (which hopefully will be easy once I clean it tonight) I cleaned it in time to ring in 2006, does this count? Otherwise, I don't think I truly saw my floor since week 3 of 2005.
4. Learn Spanish I have been learning some words. I can't repeat them. I'm nowhere close to fluent. I have no patience for less than fluent. Hence, the Spanish lessons are slow going.
5. Learn to play the piano Here again...I took some lessons with our band teacher. Then school ended and our piano is out of tune. It sits in the room that is dad's office, so I can't have them tune it while he's at work during he week. The one trip he went on, he had people paint the inside of the house. So, our piano is still out of tune and I still can play one chord.
6. Get better about keeping in touch with friends and family Um....how many of you feel like I've dropped off the face of your earth? I feel like I have too. I'll try harder this year. I mean, I'm already doing well. I emailed Kare today in response to her Dec. 20th email about getting together over the holiday. :) Maybe if I can complete my resolution 1) for this year, I'll be better at this one from last year.
7. Eat better I have done this. I've become a better eater! :)
8. Help out more around the house I've tried. I've failed, I think, but I've tried.
9. Save money I had to do this. I saved and saved last year, then travelled and travelled this summer. I'll save and save again this year! :)
10. Be more patient Done. Check. One down, 9 to go! :)
Maybe this time around, these resolutions will actually get crossed off the list of things to do. I hope you all have a great New Year and keep every resolution you set in 2005.
Well, instead of promising that for this year, I've decided to break the chain and NOT recycle my howevermanyyearsold New Years Resolutions listed above. I'm creating new ones.....
1) Do something newsworthy. One of the reasons I don't keep in touch well is because I don't really have anything new to ever report to anyone. I want this to change. Good things, maybe yummy scandalous things...but at least something worthy to report to my friends on the phone.
2) Go out on a date. I'm resolving to only one date, because I want to be able to accomplish at least one on this list. Maybe this year I can shake the "He's not Neil" demons and appreciate someone for who they are...at least long enough to get through one date! :)
3)Be the best me I can be! And love the idiosyncratic things about me that may one day make me a great David E. Kelley sitcom! :) (I already do, but maybe accept them and not deny them is a better phrase than love them)
I'm sticking with 3. I should be able to accomplish 3. Maybe if I can get through 3, then it disproves the "sticktuitiveness" thing I knew about me at the beginning of this blog. AND, if we throw THAT out the window, then it proves I can change and I don't NEED to accept my idiosyncrases, because I can change, which I think negates number 3. :) So really, maybe I'm only resolving 2 things and everyone else in the world should learn to embrace and love me for me! :)
How hard can 2 resolutions be?!?!?!? Here we go, 361 days left. The race is on! :) Happy 2006 Everyone! Hope you get through your list before time runs out! :)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
It's The End of This Blog As We Know It
My mom’s boss found my blog.
My mom called me today and sounded like she had something to say to me, but was holding back. When I convinced her to tell me she said, I don’t want to upset you. I immediately thought someone died or was dying. Sad how the mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion, but given that my cat and my grandfather both died around Christmas, I figure it’s not the happiest time of year.
She finally told me, Bruce (her boss) met a woman at a party he and his wife attended. The woman was a Lawyer. Anyway, she was Googling Bruce and came across my blog site. She sent him the link and told him how employers needed to be careful and Google themselves often because ex-employees may be spreading nasty things, or whatever. It’s not good for business or image.
It was a 2002 blog from the time I worked for a company in which he is a partner. I was ranting about the way the company was structured and how they treated me and how I felt to be working there. The reason Bruce’s name was in the blog was because I was explaining to you all about the myriad of companies all in the same office and how he tied into two of them. I guess I wasn’t really careful about using names because my friends were the only ones reading me and Google hadn’t gotten as sophisticated as to search for blog sites. Luckily I hadn’t said anything bad about him, nor had I mentioned my mom at all.
When he mentioned it to my mom, she turned shades of red. Bruce thought it was funny and loves to tease people about things, so I have since become nameless, only referred to by him as “The Blogger”. He told my mom he was going to go home and read the rest of it. My whole blog! My mom begged him not to, as she does not know what’s in here. She has never read it, nor does she want to, leaving it as my outlet.
The irony in this is a few weeks, if not a month earlier I had Googled myself, as we are all warned to do and found my blog showing up. It was the first time it had ever appeared during a Google search. I realized I had left my name in the 9/11 blog I did, in which I posted the email I received and sent on 9/11/01. I tried to erase it/edit it and was able, but my name still appeared. Then I did some research and learned how to code my template so my blog site wouldn’t appear when search engines searched. It has since ceased to appear.
My mother said she immediately tried to search for Bruce and replicate the lawyer’s findings, but was unable. It seemed my block had worked. Now, it was just the worry of him clicking on the email link and getting to my current and past blogs. Once that was taken care of, I began to worry about the next time I saw him. Not that he would care, as I said, he thought it was funny. Then I worried he would show it to the partners in the company where I used to work. I still see them from time to time when I visit my mom in her office, or we go to lunch. Not to mention that my mother still works with them and is friendly with them, as am I. It was all I could do not to worry for her.
I thought long and hard about deleting my entire blog for good. While it is good and therapeutic, it is no longer the outlet I so desparately needed to unload my emotions in a dark, dark point in my life. I thought I could just let go. When I worked for the copier company, I printed out all the entries. I have them through August of 2004, so did I really care if I wrote or not. I mean, what if one mistake or entry in the heat of anger had ruined a pleasant working environment for my mother, not to mention the fact she could have lost her job for my words. I’m not good at censoring or editing what I write, as I’ve always looked at this and wanted it to be a true, unfiltered look at my emotions and thoughts. I could always just give this up and start a new, better edited one.
After a few days, I believed the storm to have passed. The block had worked and maybe someday Blog will develop passwords to protect “intellectual property”, or at least enough the keep me from getting into trouble. For now, I’ll keep writing.
My mom called me today and sounded like she had something to say to me, but was holding back. When I convinced her to tell me she said, I don’t want to upset you. I immediately thought someone died or was dying. Sad how the mind immediately jumps to the worst possible conclusion, but given that my cat and my grandfather both died around Christmas, I figure it’s not the happiest time of year.
She finally told me, Bruce (her boss) met a woman at a party he and his wife attended. The woman was a Lawyer. Anyway, she was Googling Bruce and came across my blog site. She sent him the link and told him how employers needed to be careful and Google themselves often because ex-employees may be spreading nasty things, or whatever. It’s not good for business or image.
It was a 2002 blog from the time I worked for a company in which he is a partner. I was ranting about the way the company was structured and how they treated me and how I felt to be working there. The reason Bruce’s name was in the blog was because I was explaining to you all about the myriad of companies all in the same office and how he tied into two of them. I guess I wasn’t really careful about using names because my friends were the only ones reading me and Google hadn’t gotten as sophisticated as to search for blog sites. Luckily I hadn’t said anything bad about him, nor had I mentioned my mom at all.
When he mentioned it to my mom, she turned shades of red. Bruce thought it was funny and loves to tease people about things, so I have since become nameless, only referred to by him as “The Blogger”. He told my mom he was going to go home and read the rest of it. My whole blog! My mom begged him not to, as she does not know what’s in here. She has never read it, nor does she want to, leaving it as my outlet.
The irony in this is a few weeks, if not a month earlier I had Googled myself, as we are all warned to do and found my blog showing up. It was the first time it had ever appeared during a Google search. I realized I had left my name in the 9/11 blog I did, in which I posted the email I received and sent on 9/11/01. I tried to erase it/edit it and was able, but my name still appeared. Then I did some research and learned how to code my template so my blog site wouldn’t appear when search engines searched. It has since ceased to appear.
My mother said she immediately tried to search for Bruce and replicate the lawyer’s findings, but was unable. It seemed my block had worked. Now, it was just the worry of him clicking on the email link and getting to my current and past blogs. Once that was taken care of, I began to worry about the next time I saw him. Not that he would care, as I said, he thought it was funny. Then I worried he would show it to the partners in the company where I used to work. I still see them from time to time when I visit my mom in her office, or we go to lunch. Not to mention that my mother still works with them and is friendly with them, as am I. It was all I could do not to worry for her.
I thought long and hard about deleting my entire blog for good. While it is good and therapeutic, it is no longer the outlet I so desparately needed to unload my emotions in a dark, dark point in my life. I thought I could just let go. When I worked for the copier company, I printed out all the entries. I have them through August of 2004, so did I really care if I wrote or not. I mean, what if one mistake or entry in the heat of anger had ruined a pleasant working environment for my mother, not to mention the fact she could have lost her job for my words. I’m not good at censoring or editing what I write, as I’ve always looked at this and wanted it to be a true, unfiltered look at my emotions and thoughts. I could always just give this up and start a new, better edited one.
After a few days, I believed the storm to have passed. The block had worked and maybe someday Blog will develop passwords to protect “intellectual property”, or at least enough the keep me from getting into trouble. For now, I’ll keep writing.
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