The Center of Being

Hey Everyone!

Just today my friend Don and I were email discussing my signature/tagling quote (which I have since changed to reflect the coming season). The quote was "At the center of your being you have the answer; You know who you are and you know what you want." -Lao-tzu

Does anyone ever feel as though you've known what you are your whole life? People talk about the journey to discover self, or "finding yourself" or other such quests in life. I'm pretty sure I've been the same me, more or less, since I was 2 years-old. Not having a memory that extends that far, I draw this conclusion from the numerous times since I've been home (read: millions of times) my mother has said "You are the same person you were when you were two!". I completely believe this.

For awhile after I moved home, I felt lost. It stems from rejection and the notion that maybe something you loved and opened to another person is the part of you that sent them running. I've felt like I'm sorting through each aspect of myself saying "Was it this? Was it this?". It's the same problem I have with my closet (and for those of you who've seen it, you know why! :) ). I look at something, try to get rid of it for a new something, but like it, so I keep it and just add-on to my closet. My personality has become the same way. I analyzed everything after Neil. It's such a blow to your self-confidence. Little by little over the last 4 years (have I mentioned lately how completely unfair and sucky it is that it has taken me 4 years to recover from heartbreak and in that time he's gotten married? Just thought I'd mention it again, in case the Cosmos would like to explain it to me THIS time that I mention it! :) ) I realized that I love pretty much all of the me I've been since I was 2 years-old and I'm gonna keep it. I found I liked it all, so I'm just adding to it.

It's the adding things that's tricky. Similar to the closet, eventually you run out of places to put something, or you realize you have 15 pairs of black pants in varying and sometimes conflicting styles. I guess being low maintainance and an increasingly picky eater really ARE contridictory. :)

I also know myself so well, it's hard to believe the new stuff isn't just one of thoses phases I go through. a flash-in-the-pan. For as well as alot of you know me, I know myself better. I realize I'm grumpy and irritable and when I get like this I overreact and become irrational. I know I overanalyze things. Sometimes to the point of wanting to jump out of my own head and just be for awhile. I know I'm emotional, both good and bad. I know I'm sometimes like a naive little puppy dog, just believing because it's easier than the alternative and sometimes think the best of people who just end up hurting me. I know I'm goofy and kid-like and simple, all while being serious, mature and complex. I know I've never had a dream in life except to dream (not in a creepy, desperate kind of way, but in a when I picture my future it's like this kind of way) of being a wife and mother in a loving family. I know I don't like the texture of the foods I don't like. I know I get overstimulated by noise and it makes me cranky. I know I'm "girly", even though I swear I'm "just like one of the boys". Seeing as how I've already admitted to being overanalytical, i've pretty much spent 4 or more years absorbing everything everyone has ever said about me, plus the introspection, processed it and figured out, I am what I am....and have been since I was 2 years-old.

It's sometimes frustrating because the answer to life frustrations when you get older is "everything in due time" or "you're right where you're supposed to be" or "everything happens in it's own time and own place" (kinda like the everything happens for a reason crap) or "maybe you just aren't where you need to be yet". I love the last one. I've been where I am for 28 years! I've added some, experienced some, lived some, analyzed the h*ll out of all of it, so if i'm not where I need to be, I'm so far away without any hope of getting back so I'll never get there. (Did I mention I know I'm stubborn, hard-headed and prone to temper outbursts? ;) ) It's not that I won't try to get there, but every "road" leads me back to me. The me I am now. The me I've been since I was 2 years-old. If you don't believe me, ask my Mom!