You see, when the mind houses two personalities, there's always a conflict, a battle. - Psycho
Lord knows I house at least two! Luckily for me they don't fight out loud in public! :) The biggest battle I've been struggling with lately is the same one I've faced my whole teen and adult life. Good Girl or Bad Girl? There is no in between. Somehow, I completely screw up each one with the other one. So really, I'm neither and not in between. So where does that leave me?
Maybe I should back up. The struggle has been ongoing due to one thing. Hormones. I swear it's the cause of the strong bad girl inside me. I know you male readers may tune out here. Fine. Go. I think the females though...well, you may understand, even relate to my inner struggle. The cheering for the bad girl in the movie because you wish you could be like her. Loathing the good girl because you see yourself in her. And yet, cheering for her too because you want to know it does work out for the good girl. It's why every little girl loves Grease. Rizzo (who really isn't all that "bad") and Sandy both win.
There's the part of me that wants to throw on pleather pants and a tight, short top and go out, dance, drink, seduce strange men, kick up and be wild. It fights the part of me that dresses in Ralph Lauren, knows the image is everything (especially in a career), doesn't want rumors or trouble, has seen this side of me hurt people and hurt me before and knows we won't feel great the next day.
The part of me that wants a torrid affair/romance, to seduce strange men and not give a crap who I hurt, to walk with that edge, a borderline cocky/confident/"screw you" attitude I vaguely remember feeling from time to time in my life. The Rizzo. The other part that wants love and settling down with a family, a man who'd kind, sweet, smart, funny, settled and secure, to be known as loving, nurtuting and caring for others feelings, to have people see me with a gentle, kind face and loving attitude. I've felt this one too. The Sandy.
It's Melanie versus Scarlett. I've been both and each time one's around for too long, the other wants to come raging forth. I've been the woman with the kind sweetness who feels the "I wish I could be like you Scarlett." Who did everything right and good. "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee." I've also had to walk into the party in that (Beautiful) red dress, knowing everyone is staring at you, talking about the horrible thing you'd done. "There are worse things I could do."
And yet, I often wish to be both of them again. Lately, the Scarlett in me feels she's been gone for too long. The Melly in me, fighting to keep us "scandal-free" or at least out of trouble. The fight rages on. Maybe going off the hormones I've been on for 10+ years was not a good idea. It won't be a balanced fight and I'm afraid bad might come of it. Only time will tell...
2 comments:
Allow the bad to come out...and visit for a little while. Because once you "settle down" you aren't allowed to have that one come and visit because you have to be the responsible adult. Oh I wish I could feel that free again. Maybe you can bribe Brad with that fire truck and we can go be "free"
Let them both come out and play -- as you said, neither one is all good or all bad. No one really is. Even my all buttoned up "deliver me from LL Bean," two kids, married for 30+ years aunt got up and danced on a table the weekend of my sister's wedding. Twice.
Plus, I disagree that you aren't allowed to have the bad girl come out once in a while, just because you're "settled down." Maybe it's different once you have a kid (though my sister's stories would suggest you can still do it) but I think that it's a matter of, just once in a while, saying "Honey, I gotta get outta here with the girls."
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