Pepto Commercial Song

Seeing as how my baking night was derailed by what I can only guess was a bout of food "discontent" from my suck-y lunch, I'll do this between trips to the littlest room in the house. From Meg - who will be the BEST mom! I'm so happy for you, Andy and little "S"

8 Shows I Watch: (most of these are now courtesy of Hulu.com)

1. 30 Rock
2. Bones
3. House
4. Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?
5. Clean House
6. Fox Football Pre-game Sunday with Terry, Jimmy, Michael and the other guy.
7. Army Wives
8. Monk

8 Favorite Restaurants:

1. Franco's (Aww...Meg...I miss 42nd Street and Ham's! Oh Chips and Ranch! I think I'm a tad homesick now)
2. Cheesecake Factory
3. Champp's
4. PF Chang's
5. Redstone (for Brunch. Yum!)
6. Does Chick-Fil-A count? I eat there a TON!
7. PJ's
8. And I'll have to say Ham's

8 Things That Happened to Me Today:

1. Apparently suck-y lunch and the aftermath
2. Got the filling for the cake I'm making for dinner tomorrow night done.
3. Delivered neighbors' Red Velvet mini-cakes for Christmas
4. Got a YellowTail Merlot from boss for Christmas
5. Was told by basketball coach he "approves" of my outfit. Which was better than the "You look spiffy" of the last two time I got dressed for games. (Have I mentioned I'm a little hesitant about where this is headed, if anywhere? I don't know if uncomfortable is the right word, maybe on edge)
6. Had an old handicapped woman BEEP at me because I was walking behind her car in the parking lot when she decided to back out. I ran to get out from behind her car, she saw me after she inched backward a little, then beeped at me and glared. Are ya kiddin' me?!?!? Merry Christmas, Idiot Woman. (see my spirit?)
7. Got to go through the express lane at the grocery store (where I got my suck-y lunch) in the cafe area, so no waiting - since I was buying mom bread for her neighbor gifts while picking up my lunch. (nope, won't mention it again)
8. Pinched nerve in my neck. That's what I get for constantly lifting full 6 gallon coolers and an inappropriate for Athletic Training cart! I might learn.

8 Things I Have to Look Forward to:

1. Presents. I vascilate between feeling VERY blessed that I have what I have and wanting stuff for me. I think it's because I'm bored, in a rut and trying to fill this empty space deep inside. Another part because I think I'm generally a good person - I try hard - and feel some "what about me?".
2. New Year's Day off. One of only two days this holiday I won't have to go to work. Actually, I won't have to go ANYWHERE. Yay me!
3. Kitties.
4. Dessert tomorrow. (PLEASE keep your fingers crossed it turns out. The filling is yummy - I sampled some while I was making it this morning - and I hope the cake follows suit.)
5. The possibility of a vacation (besides NATA) this summer.
6. Seeing old friends - work, high school, college
7.
8.

8 Things I Wish For:

1. Snow (if it's gonna be cold, it should snow!)
2. Prince Charming
3. Some peace of mind (which goes hand in hand with #2 and #4
4. To have kids
5. To get rid of the jealousy I feel often anymore
6. Some semblance of order in my house (I mean, it has been 2 years that I've lived here! You'd think I'd be able to find things, or set up my guest bedroom, or have gone through SOME of my g-parents stuff left behind)
7. Summer
8. At this moment, for my stomach to settle and feel better so I can fall asleep.

Play along if you'd like!!! Merry CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Song by whomever those commercial people are. I feel like crap, so picking a song wasn't easy! :)

Blessed

Hi Strangers!

I know it's been awhile. Sorry. New job adjusting and I'm trying not to computer from bed b/c I think it gives me nightmares.

When I first moved into my new house, I was feeling stressed and down and not like it was my house at all. To combat some feelings of crap, I started a journal of writing down at least one thing every day I was thankful for (or reasons why I was blessed). Since it's a season of love and sharing, I thought I'd share some excerpts for you all.....(not in any specific order)

• Chocolate Coconut Cream Cheesecake from Cheesecake Factory
• Real Sudafed
• My cousin John (who comes rain or shine and takes out my trash and recycling every week)
• Miss Alabama hair
• The Salt Air
• Mini-golf
• Spending money like you've got it
• Miscommunication and sleeping so soundly 2 people are beating down the sides of your house to make sure you're o.k.
• Mimosas
• The people who love me and understand I'm not a morning person
• 4 year old birthdays, horse farms and Annapolis water
• My new 3 year old boyfriend ("I love her." "Who?" "The girl in the pink shirt")and being "part of the family"
• My family (who individually or collectively made the list every day for the 3 months I did it. Hey! 3 months is a LOOONG time for me!)

I decided to try it again and see how it goes. I know in this time and place I am lucky to have the things I have, the people I have and to be able to do what I do.

-Song by Martina McBride

Pleasant Valley Sunday

Here are some things I learned this weekend (I'm including Friday as "weekend"):

1. If really pressed, I would have trouble spending money. It reaffirms my feelings that I should win the lottery because all that money wouldn't spoil me! :)
   
2. When it rains, it pours. (kitchen sink clogged, fire alarm went off and door almost blew off the hinges and I was out of ice cubes all within 25 minutes)
3. If I put my mind to it, I can get things done. So, I could do it, I just don't want to! :)
   
4. No matter how much I think I'm getting accomplished, it doesn't look any different around here.
5. I AM in the Christmas spirit.
6. I'm becoming a bitter, "set in my ways" old woman!
7. I can totally lose time in a day watching t.v or turning on my home computer.
8. I am ready to be a "mom". Now I just have to go pick kittens out. (I'm already planning their names! :) )
   
9. Pictures reaffirm that college really is the best time of your life.
10. I am always thankful for the help around the house, but sometimes it would be better (read- less stressful) if I just did it myself.
11. It's December. (That's more for me than you guys. I just "realized" it is December and I'm pressed for time with mom's birthday present AND Christmas for mom and dad.)
12. It's really disappointing when you get all settled in to watch Miracle on 34th Street and it ends up being the stupid color version!
    
13. Sometimes you can pick up the phone and talk to a friend you haven't seen or talked to in awhile and pick up right where you left off.
14. Spending a day in your pajamas is AWESOME!
15. Palm trees always make me smile.
16. I am stubborn. I KNOW I am allergic to pine trees. I know they hurt my head and thank goodness I remembered ENOUGH to not buy inside pine, but I don't know why I thought the wreath I bought wouldn't bother me in the car on the way home. I do this quite often in my life and you'd think I'd remember it, but I don't
17. I like living in a cave. Funny, coming from someone who'd rather be in a sunny, warm state. Now that I bought my thick, thermal curtains my house is so nice and dark. Could for cocooning.
18. I'm selfish. I keep thinking "I want" and really believe I should have. I think my Christmas list could be 10 pages long this year!
19. I'm a snob. I'm trying so hard to let go at work, but I'm feeling like a Square Peg in round hole. (BTW, I LOVED that t.v. show!)
20. There is no joy in my job anymore. I just don't feel happy about going to work or being at work like I used to. I'm hoping this changes. I'm hoping it's just a growing pain and a result of being in a new place and change. I'm kind of secretly hoping it leads to joy in another aspect of my life. The "one door closes, another opens" mentality I guess.

-Song by The Monkees

In My Head

Sorry it's been awhile. I keep meaning to come on. I know, you hear it often. Soooo...time for rambling stuff from me!

• I've been thinking alot about random people. Erin pops into my head alot lately. Ben, my old roommates from Sr. yr. in college's friend who loved my Mav Man and used to tuck me in at night and play me music. It's strange. I keep thinking of the line from Alice In Wonderland "People come and go so quickly around here". Amen to that in MY head, sweetheart!
• I'm liking my job a little bit more. I am starting to get a better handle on the organizing of my space, but for some reason all AT skill seems to feel like it's filtered out of my head. I got a small victory yesterday when our QB came in with xrays that seemed to prove right what I'd been saying for 2 weeks prior. I'd even started to waiver and doubt. I still feel slightly like a stranger and some days go a whole day without a conversation with another person (besides my mother). It's a process, I know and I'm trying. I do have my doubts as to whether I'll ever fit in here. I just hope I can settle in to feeling good about the job switch soon.
  
• Along with random people, random moments pop into my head often before I go to sleep. Mostly embarassing or horrible moments - like in h.s. (9 or 10th grade) when I had jewelry stolen from swim practice. I can feel the feeling, the heat rushing to my face, the sinking feeling in my stomach like it was yesterday. Also moments like the guy rear-ending me two months ago, making up my own sign language night...I'm surprised I'm not dreaming yet of showing up in public naked or my teeth falling out. These at least are "symbols" I understand. Reliving bad events in my life aren't. I can't figure out why they pop into my head or how to make them stop. It's almost always as I am trying to fall asleep.
• If any Catholics are reading, could you please ask St. Anthony to make an appearance at my house? I'm missing a ring and I SWEAR I've looked everywhere. I keep having "blackout" moments in my memory. I simply can't remember certain steps of a day, week, etc. It's getting better than it was 2 months ago, when I lost my work keys (never found them, I think I threw them in the trash. I think this because when I got a new set, I almost threw THEM in the trash!), the above mentioned ring and a few other things I have no idea when I saw them last or what I did with them. That chunk of time is just gone. Maybe some divine intervention and I'm pretty sure no one up there listens to me. which begs the question why I keep talking? I guess I figure eventually they'll put two and two together and go "THAT'S what that noise was!"
• I decorated my house for Christmas and it always makes me feel more homey and cozy. I have to do the outside lights and I swear I'm missing a box of Christmas stuff, as the decor looks sparse. I know I'm missing a nativity (my mom calls it the economy version) and I'm pretty sure some ornaments.
  
• I have also bought a few presents, but other than what I have, have NO idea what to get for anyone. I'm not feeling like spending money or buying anyone anything this year. I'm not feeling generous toward the people I love. Is that wrong? My heart goes out to strangers, the unemployed, homeless, down-and-out lately (I watched that Secret Millionaire show on Hulu.com today and although I thought the millionaires at time looked like cheesy millionaires, I cried through alot of it.) but not anyone close (in proximity) or immediate family (mom, dad, sister). Thus making it hard to shop. I'm thinking about charity donations, but what fun are they to open on Christmas and would my family enjoy it or be disappointed (ultimately; not on the surface when you look like a horrible person if your Christmas present money was donated to charity and you are upset and crushed you didn't get a shiny new gift)?? And I feel bad because if I didn't have to work all holiday, I'm pretty sure my dad would have us all swept off to Bermuda because we'd all like to run away this year!
  
• How come when I look around the clutter in my house everything makes sense why it's where it is, but I never seem to fix it. For instance, I have two bags of clothes to give away to the Vets. They make sense why they're in the floor in my office, but why don't I ever call the vets and get them out of there? I mentally have everything neat and tidy, I just don't ever follow through. I need those Clean House people. Well, maybe not them. I want someone who will kick my "give away/keep/sell" butt in gear, as well as someone who can help me with the finishing touches on MY decorating.
• I think the 2-9pm schedule agrees with me, but lets see how long this last. I've been getting things done, I have energy at work, I'm losing weight b/c I'm bringin my dinners to work, so I'm eating less.
  
• I'm feeling sad. Not really sure why most of the time, just sad. lonely. and I keep comforting myself with Peppermint Latte. Luckily my weight is down from all the "taking dinners"or I'd be 1000 pounds right now. I wish I could find away to comfort myself through exercise.
  
• I'm back to thinking eHarmony is my only option. It makes me even sadder, spirals me into a "how the heck did I get here? Where did my future go? what kind of life is this when the only things you've ever wanted from life elude you?" and then I feel like a pathetic, unattractive, loser. This brings me to defiantly rebel against the eHarmony option, just prolonging the time I spend alone. I think I'd be o.k. if someone could SHUT OFF the stupid biological clock AND society (drs. included) who keep reminding me I'm not getting younger.
• Why didn't anyone warn me that in adulthood, I would not get zits, but big red lumps (I think they're the size of Texas, but I think really pea sized) that swell my face so I look like I was sucker punched then slowly "shrink" over what feels like years! I swear no one in days has seen my eyes because they are looking at the right side of my chin that's swollen with a big, red, shiny mountain on it. I think given the options I'd take the zits!
• I'm back on my meds, can you tell? I'm a different mood inside every 5 minutes. Isn't that fun?!?! The good part is, I only share them through writing or with my said loved ones from above. Otherwise, people must think I'm pretty even keel! :) I'm HOPING once I get used to them again, it'll all go away.
• Time for bed. Beware of the stupid people driving. They appear to be everywhere! Let's just make that stupid people! And they ARE everywhere. Peace Out Cub Scouts! :)
  

-Song by Kiss

Seven

Hi Everyone!

My friend Meg asked on her blog to list 7 things you are looking forward to in the next 7 weeks. Here it goes....

1) Thanksgiving. It's one of my favorite holidays. I love the food, the football, the napping after food and during football! :) I usually work a FB game in the morning and am told this year it may not be a good one. I'm hoping it'll be better than expected, so as not to ruin my food holiday! :)

2) Christmas Shopping. I really do enjoy the holiday. I wish they wouldn't rush it. I like finding just the right gift for people and the music and the decorations and the happy warm feelings. I like these things in December. For 25 days. Not starting Nov 1st or worse, October 29th. Please, don't overdo the holiday like we overdo everything else. I'm tired of it.

3) Dinner at Aunt Lois'. I enjoy seeing her and her family, I just wish there weren't so many people and that I could stay in my jammies all day on Christmas. I like Dad's idea of going away this year. If only I didn't have to work all holiday week! :(

4) The change of season (sports, that is). While I'm not a huge fan of Winter sports, I'm ready to not be the "new athletic trainer" to a group of athletes at the end of the end of their seasons.

5) Opening and using my coffee maker. In June a graduating Sr. gave us a Keurig coffee maker for our office. As a going away present, our coaches, administrators and Bill got me one for my new office. I've been waiting for a day where I can park near the door and carry it in, instead of carrying it from across the street where I park to my office. I'm thinking that day is VERY near. (I just worry b/c every faculty member has a key to my office and I don't want it stolen or broken. I found a hiding place for it - on a shelf/bench behind my filing cabinet and plan on locking the coffee in a cabinet. Is that wrong? :) )

6) My new Athletic Training room. I'm making progress! I got a broom, cleaned some stuff out, rearranged the supplies and Monday I'll be measuring for shelves and picture frames the Maintainence man will be getting Monday evening and putting up on Tuesday. I'm SO excited.

7) 2009. Every year I try and get organized and "together" to start the year off in place. I remain hopeful that THIS is THE year. That it will be happy and positive and full of love.

-Song by Sunny Day Real Estate

6)

My Old School

"I'm not senile...I have Mad Cow" - Denny Crane

Just a pre-cursor to the ACTUAL blog. I have Mad Cow, Denny Crane style. I keep forgetting and losing things. I'm just warning you b/c if I get mid-thought and the Mad Cow kicks in, my blogs from here out may abruptly cease mid-thought. So far today I forgot to turn the heat down, my jacket, my leftover dinner. I have said "I forgot..." more in the last 2 or 3 months than I have since high school (when I think I said it to my teachers about my homework often). Lest you worry, I analyzed this often (was there any doubt my overanalytical brain would dissect every inch of this?) and have decided that my brain is like a slideshow moving SO fast, that once the thought has scrolled past, 6 thoughts take it's place before the action can take place. There...your disclaimer from here on out.

Speaking of high school, I completed my first week at Riverside. It is definately a different animal, but so far so good. I was a little discouraged last week. I think it was just constantly being surrounded by "strangers" who were in playoff mode, so while friendly, still strangers. It is a change and yesterday I felt hopeful for a fresh start and saw some direction and all the potential this job hold for me to run with whatever I can imagine.

It was also the day I realized our JV Football coach is none other than my high school crush. First, let me say the hopeful feeling occured about 12:30pm and the revelation (although I thought Friday it might've been him, but when I smiled and said hi his face was totally devoid of recognition, so I thought I was incorrect in my thought) about 4:30pm. To lend slight insight/perspective into this "Crush" let me wind you back in time to a scenario which will seem like deja vu for no one but AJ, perhaps. :) When I was 16 I had an email "relationship" with a helicopter pilot from the Southwest. We met online in a "message board" site (Prodigy, for those who may remember it) where individuals could post song lyrics and the answers would "thread". I have met alot of great people through the site. The "old girls and guys" welcomed me with a raised beverage (mine was non-alcoholic, of course). At one point my Senior Year I posted a song lyric (Mad Cow prevents me from remembering what quote or song it was, it's on the tip of my brain) about said football coach which subsequently ended the email "relationship" with the helicopter pilot. I don't remember if I said to AJ or AJ said to me, "J, it is perfectly o.k. for a 17 (at this point) year old to have a crush on a boy in her high school class." or something to that affect.

After graduation I lost touch with FB coach, as was expected by me. My best friend, who had grown up with FB (I'm omiting the coach from here out, I'm tired), saw him from time to time. My sister spent a summer hanging out with he and his friends at my best friend's shore house while I was in pre-season at grad school the summer after we graduated college. My BFF ran into him from time to time after that to learn he had one, then two kids (at least they were with the same girl. There were points in high school we weren't so sure that would happen) with a girl he dated the summer they spent in SIC. She also learned when he married her and that his mom was watching the kids while he tried to get his life together coaching.

FB was an o.k. FB player and an EXCELLENT BB player when we were freshman. He started Varisty and had amazing potential (a theme with men I'm attracted to, I know). I forget in what order and what years the following happened, but he broke his collar bone (or was it a dislocated shoulder? hmmm), discovered girls, gambling and partying and not only was his potential not realized, but players passed him by giving the illusion of his skill worsening. He was happy I guess, but those of us from high school went on to college and seemed to pass him by with goals and "a plan" for life.

It was good to see him and I told him so (although somewhat stupid to say, since I'll see him most every day for the next 2 weeks until football ends). I have been told by my sister I have too high hopes for the people I care about. My hopes and aspirations for them may not always be what THEY actually want and when the underachieve, I am disappointed. I have tried aspiring to less or not aspiring for anything but for them to be happy (whatever that means to them) so as to keep my crushing disappointment to a minimum, but it is no use. I am pretty sure it is a subconscious effort. I can only imagine being a parent with goals and dreams for your child only to watch them flounder in your expecations. That being said, I am also thrilled and beaming when I see glimmers of long ago dreams filter their way through my disappointment. I was SO happy to see FB coaching. We didn't talk long, so I don't know the other particulars of his life, but it made me so happy to see he was coaching still (or again).

My overly analytical self was also warmed to know he was not mine. :) Where once there was hopelessness about moments passed and despair at the loneliness that consumes the "love" section of my heart, there is now hope. The people cast aside (or um, who have cast me aside) would not have fulfilled that spot. I fear I would have again been disappointed by the falling short or total unrealization of the aspirations I have of my love, my forever and my marriage and family-to-be. There is hope that there is still hope for the realization of my ideals and aspirations. Since I am in a Boston Legal state of mind, I thought I'd close with a view from my favorite of the characters (although Denny does make me laugh). Please take the senitment and not the actual wording (since he's male speaking of a female and I'm me and a female, so I'd be speaking of a male). To Mad Cow and hope.


Denny Crane: Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree?
Alan Shore: I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out.

- Song by Steely Dan

Random Thoughts

1. Is it wrong to think bad weather is a good excuse to cancel work and stay home?
2. There are 3 days until Halloween and I have no costume, nor do I know what I want to be.
3. Whenever I hear the John Legned "Greenlight" song I think of the Andy Kaufman Mighty Mouse skit from SNL.
   
4. I am nervous about starting my new job. I guess any change is unnerving but there's still so much I haven't come to terms with about the fit of this new job. I won't know how it is until I'm in it, so that's rough too.
   
5. Did I mention the weather? I'm NOT a cold weather being. Need to be living in a warm weather existence.
6. Bud Selig is a coward.
7. Is it wrong to write "NEVER LIVED HERE" on a letter to some random person at my address?

O.k., once the t.v comes on my brain stops so my random thoughts have stopped too. I may write later. Happy rainy cold miserable day.

Leavin On a Jet Plane

Hi All!

Well, it's been awhile and October has flown by. This is now my last week at Lenape and I know it's going to be sad for me. This past week was a transition week for me, as I wasn't at work too much. The week before however, was chaos. Here's the highlights...

• Monday - went to push a stool away from tape table, got caught up in the rungs and fell hard to floor on my arse.
• Tuesday - my allergies reacted to the change in weather, which always results in a few days of head issues, followed by a few days of chest congestion issues. Hopefully, we are in the last few days of it this weekend!
• Thursday - driving in the new/used car mom bought Saturday, I was rear-ended by a 19 or 10 y.o. kid who may or may not have been text messaging and slammed into me while I was stopped at a traffic light on my way to cover a "home" volleyball game at our sister school. He was doing about 50 mph. Luckily, we were both o.k. but the car will be spending it's "2 months of no payments" at Collision Max getting the whole rear end re-done. Even though I was not at all at fault, I still feel bad about mom's car.

• Friday (the 17th) - Bill was in Michigan so I arrived at work to find kids waiting at my door and did not stop running until about 10pm when I put one of our FB kids with a Grade 2 concussion in an ambulance. It was a looong day.

Monday of this past week, Bill was still not fully "present" at work (in body, but not mind) so Monday was busy for me also. Tuesday, when he met with my replacement I think he realized how much I do and that there is many of our kids he doesn't know. I worked our 2 night games Tuesday and Thursday, but he was much more active and I backed off and let him do most of the work, so he could learn about our kids before I leave.

It still all seems surreal. It's been 1 month since I interviewed, but I've been so caught up in what's going on with my current job I often forget I will be leaving at the end of the week. Somewhere deep inside me, I hope the new job is good. It is hard to leave co-workers, coaches and supervisors you really like to work for, with and as people. The say the devil you know is better than the one you don't, but I am hoping to find at least some of the commeraderie at Riverside I have found at Lenape. I am a little nervous about running my own program and going to the unknown, more so than being excited. I am looking forward to meeting new people and seeing if I can bond with new students as I have with the old ones.

So, we begin the Halloween week winding our season down. Our teams will be entering the playoffs without me and I will be transitioning. Wish me luck. I am sure I will need it.

-Song by John Denver/Peter, Paul and Mary

WKRP in Cinncinati Opening Theme

Hi All!

While I was watching WKRP in Cinncinati tonight between football games, I remember watching it growing up an thinking Randy Travis (Gary Sandy) was cute. Musta had a thing for feathery hair as my other two crushes when I was young were:

and .

Guess I've always had a thing for "cocky" looking pretty boys. Maybe mom is right and I AM the same person I was at age 5! Anyone else have young crushes they'd like to admit?

Gotta go, Randy Travis is back on my screen! :)

Boogie Shoes

As a member of the DSW Shoe Club, I get a present for my birthday. I used my Happy Birthday coupon to buy a great indulgent pair of shoes. Now I just have to figure out where I can wear them!

Get A Job

Hi All!

Well, you all know how I felt about our contract in the Spring. I had resolved to put it behind me when our pre-season started and focus on doing my job and enjoying my kids and our coaches. The first day back to school I learned I was still having my Master's degree prorated. I felt it was totally unfair that my Masters of Education degree was worth $1000 less than a teacher's Masters of Education. It seemed to be the last straw. I was angry and beside myself at being treated unfairly by the people who were supposed to represent me. I felt abused and discriminated against soley because of my job title.

About an hour after I sent a professional "your full of crap and I don't trust you at all. you suck." email to our Union Negotiator, a job opening came across my email. Our head ATC, Bill called and inquired about the job for himself. We had both had it. The biggest problem for Bill is that he has 19 years of h.s. ATC experience and it is difficult to find anywhere that would pay him comparably to what he makes at our place. In essence, he is stuck. After speaking at length to the principal at the job opening school, he encouraged me to apply. I called and had an interview two days later. Three days after that I had a second interview with the Superintendent, which was essentially a negotiating meeting and that ended with a job offer. Two weeks after the first phone call, I have a new job. Not only is my new job on the Teacher's Scale, but the Superintendent offered me all my experience steps. While the significant raise was a factor, so was the fact that right away the Superintendent showed me and my profession respect and value.

I was very sad about the prospect of leaving my kids and our coaches/teachers - so much so when I knew I had to take the job, I cried for hours. It was not made easier by the fact our Principal and our Athletic Director told me how much they would miss me and even tried to negotiate on my behalf to keep me. They are wonderful people and I will miss them terribly. I have since moved past the crying and am starting to look at the positive and look forward to the new people I will meet. Because I am tenured, my current school has the right to keep me 60 days. My Principal and A.D. would both like to move as soon as possible to get settled as we are just starting the school year. We are in limbo for now, but it will all be settled down soon.

Song by The Silhouettes.

Don't Give Up

Reading my friends Meg & Amy’s blogs make me realize how I neglect this site way too often. It often seems like something else I’m too tired to do, instead of the joy I used to get from writing on here and sharing my life with my few faithful readers. The other thing is that I’m boring. I don’t DO fun things. I often THINK about doing fun things, but then this overwhelming tired and loneliness sweeps over me and I find comfort in the usual, boring me. So, as if awakening from a long nap, or shell I shall write about the last year. Not in a “Monday, I went to the grocery” kind of way but more philosophical and deep.

As my birthday came and went, I realized I am incapable of stopping time. I tried. Hard. Just doesn’t happen. I am constantly conflicted in my feelings and I think it’s often what exhausts me. I try to find hope, just to have it dashed. I try to find positive, to be hit with the overwhelming wave of negative. I try to have faith, to find it constantly questioned. I try to balance my head with my heart only to end up in a constant tug-of-war with my emotions. I realize I have a lot of things in my life for which to feel overwhelmingly blessed. I try to feel blessed. I struggle and beg and plead to feel that instead of betrayed, abandoned and ungrateful. I am constantly in awe of the faith of those closest to me, my family and some friends. The unwavering trust and belief. I am not sure I feel that anymore. As I wrote previously our contract this year didn’t go well. I was surprised and bewildered by my reaction to it. It was hard to realize why such an insignificant thing hit me so hard. I think it was the abandoning of hope. Not just in the contract and in my job but in life and the things that mattered deep down to me - That what I want and what will be are two very different things. And the annoyance that just when I am overcome with sadness by my loss of hope in most things a little voice says no, not yet. It would be easier to lose all hope I think, then just most hope because it leaves the door open for the “knock-the-wind-out-of-you, total exhaustion, flood of emotions” to tear you up again later, when you don’t quite expect it. And the older I get, the harder it becomes to go through it over and over again. To resign to the thought of maybe it’s not to be, only to have something hold on that grows with time until the welling up inside bursts and forces you to resign yourself to it all over again. If there is some reason, if there is some point to the constant building of hope where is it? How long should I hold on to year after year be constantly disappointed when it fails to materialize?

I started this blog at work today. On my way home I passed the hardware store down the street that always has funny quotes on it’s message board. It’s done this for years. When I looked up today, the sign said “If all hope isn’t lost, where is it?”. It made me smile. Truer thought had never been written.

-Song by Peter Gabriel

Do You Want To Know A Secret?

I saw this postcard on Post Secret and thought OMG, I could've written that! Thought I'd share. (P.S. I AM running away tomorrow, but only for an overnight! :) ) Be Back this weekend sometime!

-Song by The Beatles

Never On A Sunday

I Finally made it to church yesterday. It was a bit disappointing, but good in the same. I am not a studier of the Bible nor do I aim to be. I'm not deeply religious although I think I have a pretty good faith.

The issues I have with Church are much different than the issues I have with God. I don't believe that on the whole worshippers practice what they preach. I guess my take is that the whole point of church is to realign your thoughts with those of God. To "clean the slate" and remember to be Christ-like everyday. To take time to "reset" your mindset.

I prefer my faith to be personal, to be mine. My relationship and not share it with others. Let them find their own relationship. I really don't like the social part of church - it seems cliquish and excluding (at times and with certain people, there are definately people who are inviting) or the "preachy" (like missions trips) part of the social aspect of church - I don't feel I have any right to impose my beliefs on another with their own. Who knows who is right? All I know is what I feel is right and therefore is what I believe. If someone asks my beliefs, I will share, but I don't offer. I guess I feel that if I lead a life that may draw someone to say "I'd like to tap into some of what she is offering and where she gets it" they wll ask. Some may believe this is where you meet like-minded people, surround yourselves with good people with similar view to keep you on the right. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

I guess there is good and bad in everything and church is no exception. The median age at the church I attended yesterday was significantly lowered by my presence (I'm going to guess it was then around 65). The sermon was also very classroom-esqe. I'm guessing I'd love a Southern Black Baptist church sermon. Maybe that sermon would be memorable and energizing. Make me want to "Amen" daily in stores, to people I meet randomly, etc. I was in a church in Greensboro for a co-workers funeral once that made you want to pick up your stuff and run into the streets screaming the praise of the Lord. Powerful stuff. We sang, clapped, swayed...the whole hour and thirty minute service was a celebration of Ella Mae's life and her love (and apparently the congregations love) of Christ the Lord. Hallelujah. Amen. The church I attended yesterday had a sermon that explained how the interpretation of the bible verse was arrived upon. It was alot of bouncing around the Bible and reading verses. I did feel like I learned something and the Rev. did a great job of tying it into life, Jesus and why if you are brokenhearted you should have hope. However, I didn't feel moved or connected to the Lord. I didn't feel warmed over with love after or glowing from the inside out. I was a little tired, trying to process information and apparently in need of coffee because I was going to walk to the Starbucks near the church and decided to forgo it. Lo and Behold (a phrase used mostly because I was leaving a church), I made a wrong turn and ended up right by the Starbucks with an open, inviting parking spot. (Sad how a parking lot can be inviting, but sometimes a church congregation isn't.)

With all the talk about wanting to be warmed and glowy leaving chruch and celebrating God and a sermon that will move you, it is probably a bipolar comment to mention I also love service in the Catholic Church. I think perhaps the guilt is warming in the reminders of home. My mother tries guilt on us and apprently, after spending time with my cousins lately, it runs in the family. Maybe I equate the need to guilt me into love for me. :) I like the tradiations in the Catholic Church. The sameness. You always know pretty much what you're going to get and what you'll be asked to give. When my college boyfriend and I were together, we attended Saturday night mass often. When we broke up, I snuck out of our Athletic Training room every night for a few months or so to attend 5:00 mass. It was comforting for reasons I don't quite even still understand.

I also enjoy meditation. In high school, I attended a church camp in the mountains 3 or 4 summers. It was fun, lots of people I liked from all different religions and lots of new thing to learn and explore. Every night we had a Tryst - time to wander off and be alone with your thoughts. A quiet time to talk to God. Of all the things I think religion should be, it is this. Surrounded by nature...the very things God was supposed to have created...in a quiet conversation with God.

Before you think I'm crazy, he never answered back. Which for a Type-A, control freak personality is just maddening! (So maybe I AM crazy now!) I guess this would be a reason my relationship with God takes on more of a "marriage" sounding conversation i.e. "Why don't you ever listen to me?" "Where is the ____ I asked for?" "I can't keep doing this all by myself". :) But perhaps another post for another day.

I will continue to try churches until I find the right one, if the body the good Lord has given me will continue from here out to get out of bed before 11:30am on Sunday mornings. (And for all you "guilters" out there, he created me, he's GOT to know my morning switch doesn't work!) I think all the church got to me yesterday, as I made up for it by sleeping until 11:30 today! :) If I can get off the couch (where's my accidental Starbucks?!?!?), I will pot my little plants into bigger pots, maybe go through some boxes in my "office" and get rid of some stuff and I'd like to get rid of some clothes that don't fit and therefore I will never wear (mostly to justify the new stuff I'm going to buy that fit because I never have anything to wear). I hope you all have a fulfilling day. Hallelujah. Amen.

Song by Melina Mercouri

The Dating Game

Hi All!

My summer is a little more than 1/2 over and I'm simulataneously bored and ready for a vacation. I keep thinking that I'm so not happy with the direction of my life and don't see it changing any time soon. I have been trying to motivate myself to change. As a famous person once said "If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got.".

I decided to try and control the things I think I can control and pray like crazy about the things I can't. I've been trying (apparently not too hard) to get my lazy, tired behind out of bed on Sunday mornings and go to church. My Aunt swears that "if you want a quality fish, you need to look in a quality pond". I'm not really sure this is where I want to look for a boyfriend (and I HATE the fact I have to look or "shop" or whatever desperate-type things I'll be doing) but I'm going to try and not rule anything out. I've also been browsing eHarmony. I go back and forth about it but I figure it can't hurt to see if there's anyone out there I'm interested in. It's been hard. I hate to say that I keep wondering exactly what the person on the profile looks like, trying to figure them out and pretty much figuring I won't be attracted to any of them. It's pretty hypocritical since I am a person on the other end of one of these profiles. I still just can't bring myself to do it.

It is not an easy world out there for dating after college and unfortunately I am not getting any younger. I never thought I'd feel like this, or go through this. Always kind of made fun of those that did and figured I'd be young forever. It's been a rough year and I wish the time between years would slow down instead of speeding up. As another year of my life rolls to a close, it looms larger and larger in my mind - how the things I've wanted for my life are the things that constantly seem to elude me. I have much to be thankful for and I realize that, but I still want the dream that is beyond my reach and feels out of my control. The more things I add to that out-of-control list the more stessed I become.

Does dating and meeting people EVER get easier?!?!?

-Song by Insane Clown Posse

Meet Me In St. Louis

Hi everyone!





Just got back from convention in St. Louis. The convention itself was o.k., but I rode in this...





to the top of the Arch! Trust me, it's not as big as it looks. I didn't chicken out because I was by myself and I survived being crammed into the "dryer bin" overcoming an ever increasing fear of small spaces. I wonder often about fear. It seems as though fears increase as we get older. Is it because we know more and therefore fear more?

In any case, I'm home safe and sound. Hope you all are doing well.

Song by Judy Garland

Freeze Frame

I've been thinking alot about where I've been. Not places to visit, but things I've done, seen, milestones I've passed, etc. It's a great reminder of the accomplishments I've made, since life seems chaotic and upside-down lately. Too much stress and uncertainty for my liking - and I know I'm not the only one going through it as prices rise daily.

Here's a little meme from Aim I liked for the 10 year question...

1. What were you doing ten years ago? Just finished my first year of Grad school at UNCG. Secretly seeing our baseball coach (um, still debatable as he denied it at the end of the 4th year together, but whatever) and enjoying life as a 22 y.o.

2. What 5 things are on your to-do list for today? I'm going to say tomorrow since its 11:11pm.*Shop for business clothes for St. Louis *Clean up bedroom a little bit *Pack!*Maybe visit with co-workers sitting on the deck (if our Last Day of work golf outing goes by her backyard), or go to another co-workers to sit by the pool *RELAX!

3) Snacks you enjoy? Pretzels with hummus, Grapes, Pringles Stix, soft pretzels (hot out of the oven)

4) Places you've lived? (in order) Haddon Heights, NJ; The Colony, TX; Marlton, NJ; Salisbury, MD; Greensboro, NC; Barrington, NJ (Please someone tell me why there is not a Florida or beach town anywhere on this list?!?!?!)

5) What are 5 things you would do if you were a billionaire?
*Buy my BMW back
*Spend a week or so in Grand Caymen
*Buy a house with a back door that opens either to sand, or a beautiful view of vast water.
*Set up 2 scholarships - 1 @ Gloucester H.S. in honor of my mom's parents and 1 @ Syracuse in honor of my dad's parents.
*Not worry about all this financial CRAP!!!! (They say money isn't everything. Those people must have it, because it's pretty d*mn hard to enjoy the little things when the stresses of money and life hang over your head - or rest heavily on your shoulders, as mine does.)

-Song by J. Giles Band

Coconut and Rum

Hi Aim (et al)!

I've had so much to say lately about life, it seemed overwhelming to log on and try to write it all out. Luckily, nothing terribly exciting for the good or bad. I'll start with the major stress in life and perhaps save the other bits for another time.

As you (all?) know it is our contract year. I know I have been writing tidbits here and there for awhile now. We've been working on getting everything in order to hopefully straighten out all the injustice that had been done to us in the last contract negotiation. To say it didn't go well is to say the VERY least. We got no help from our Union and pretty much got thrown under the bus to boost the contract & salaries of the teachers. We, however, were not alone. The teacher aides and department coordinators were dodging mufflers right with us.

The injustices hit my boss/co-athletic trainer harder than it hit me. After 19 years he is still paid $10,000 less than a teacher with his same number of years. He works 12 months, as opposed to their 10 months and works holidays and Saturdays. I have absorbed ALOT of his stress and the tension in our office leading up to "here's what your contract says" day was palpable. I'm guessing so much so, that the day we found out, I broke down in tears - uncontrollable tears at work - and couldn't really put a finger on why I was crying.

It was a good outlet, I supposed, as was the 2 bottles or so of coconut rum I drank in 2 consecutive days over Memorial Day weekend (one at a graduation party for a friend who finally finished college and another lying by the pool of a co-worker who felt so bad for me crying at work). This, as most of you know, highly unlike me. More rum and champagne followed at my friend Becky from college's wedding this past weekend. For as good as all the Coconut rum has been, the dissapointment and betrayal is still hard to get over everytime I walk into our school building. We were told in our ratification meeting that "The district does not view you as certified professional staff.". Perhaps it was this comment that hurt more than the $5000 discrepancy in salary between me and a teacher or the numerous grey areas the lack of proposed contract wording leaves for us to sort out, leaving us not doing alot of work until a definate answer is given. It leaves too much uncertainty, animosity and chaos to deal hanging in the air daily. My boss/co-athletic trainer has not returned this week and I'm hoping the break does him some good. I'm holding out for the end of next week and a 2 month break from our building.

Please keep us in your thoughts as we now wait for clarification on issues (like if they don't view us as professionals, we shouldn't be looking at pre-season physicals so they should find someone else to process them. Or if we really are made to "work our contract", this means no working holidays b/c we aren't required to be there and we aren't compensated for them, will our Union support us - they told us to do this - or throw us further under the bus.) and we all hold our breath for fear of losing our jobs because we were made to fight battles our Union negotiator was too chicken to fight for us. 2 weeks before we venture into not getting paid for 2 months is a heck of a time to heap this stress on my shoulders. Anyone see a coconut around here anywhere? I'm feeling thirsty!

Song by Daniel Indart

Keep Ya Head Up

Hi all!

Things have been hectic and rather heavy this last week. All career related. Here's the scoop.

We are in the middle of a contract negotiation year at work. It's crucial to me because for 2 months out of the year (July and August) I don't get paid. Unfortunately, I still have to pay mortgage and utilities during that time. I don't know WHY they don't just let me have a free pass because I'm so good at paying the other 10 months! :) As our contract stands now, we work more days than the teachers in our building, but don't get paid close to what they make. The bump in salary from where we are to where they are would be my summer bill money, with no stress to find summer employment that works around my weird schedule (namely June 15th - 1 week at convention to August 1st). There is some wording in our contract that we would like changed because it makes us "give away" 6.5 hours of "free" employment before we can make overtime. Also, the head ATCs work the 2 summer months and still make less than a 10 month teacher. We would like that changed. We learned Friday, the wording was not proposed by the union to our Board. After the 3 years of research, planning, and proposing - not to mention attending meetings, sitting with the union team, etc for them not to even propose it was disheartening. our Head ATC took it harder than I did. I am just hoping and praying our Salary guide is adjusted. PLEASE keep your fingers crossed.

In the same week, my sis has been having work issues, as well. It seems her bosses have no real idea of how much work it takes to do the things they want done. She has busted her butt doing the important, money/people adding things and when she falls short on getting the little pickiune things done they blast her for it. Somehow, work has not been good all around in our household.

I've started getting back on my home renovation kick. I look around and think everything is so expensive for the little things I want. I mean come on, is a TABLE LAMP really worth $60?!?! At Home Goods, nonetheless. Even at Target they were $20, then you have to buy the shade separately. I'm hoping I can do SOME Yard Sale shopping in June once things calm down from no-work (May is shot as far as weekends go). Even when I do find something I want, I realize I don't have the money to buy anything. Part of this is my own neurosis of making sure I have at least 3 months worth of bills money in my savings, but when you have no income for 2 months, the panic, I think, is justified.

So, the more time I spend at home, the more I get upset at the state of my house. It really does look like a college rental, more than a home. I have 2 or 3 sheets of paper with renovating and decorating things I'd like to get to this summer and I can't even look at the state of my poor grandmother's garden which is so overrun with weeds that nothing is blooming and I have no free time until at least mid-June to get it done! It's not just the time, it's money too. I guess the money issue is a vicious cycle - I want to buy things, realize I have no money, squeeze and press to save more, then I feel like I work too hard to not be able to afford to buy something and go right back to step one. I'm trying to feel positive, but most days sit right on the verge of panic attack. Sooo, I'm a little on edge waiting to see how our salary guide pans out.

Hope ya'll are drier than we are in Jersey. Happy Monday!

-Song by 2Pac

More Pictures Of You

Dream Vacation
Favorite Dessert
Favorite Flower

-Song by The Cure

Pictures of You

First Name
Fav Color
Fav Movie
Celebrity Crush
Fav Alcoholic Beverage

I know, I've been bad at keeping this updated. I have ALOT to say and no time to write it all down lately before the thought has moved on. I really need to keep a voice recorder in my car! :) Here's a short meme from Amy until I get time and brain power! (I couldn't figure it all out with the pics, so I'll continue on next post (which will probably end up being the PREVIOUS post! :) )

Dream (When You're Feeling Blue)

For the last 6 months or so I've been dreaming of running away.

Maybe it's loneliness. Living life essentially on your own at 32 is sad. Often I've heard people say there are those surround by people everyday and yet are so alone. Until I aged and began taking on the "adult" things in life (bills, mortgage, full-time job), it's hard to understand what they mean. Once there you look around you and realize there are many people in the world, but few, if any who are our "rock", our confidante, our salvation from the world, the ones who keep us from that glorious padded room with the cool white jackets. The more you take on yourself, that you deal with by yourself the more you realize how alone you really are.

Maybe it's just not being "equipt" - genetically, emotionally or physically - to deal with the stress or all the pressure that comes with being an adult. My father said to my mother one night months ago that he didn't think I could deal with owning a house. I vacilate between thinking I am tough, resiliant, rational and absorb alot of emotions and "things" that would wreck other people and thinking I'm a totally delicate basketcase. Perhaps my view of me, is so totally different from the reality. Could it be that I am really a person who has no business ever being thrown anything because I can't handle it? Do I need to be coddled and kid gloved? Could the old adage about God not giving us anything he doesn't think we can handle would be WAY off base with me? (I personally like Mother Teresa's version.)

Maybe it's because the person I've become is far from where I feel I should be - like the "real" me and the me I am keep drifting further and further apart. Think of a very calm water and two pieces of driftwood. Slowly, surely they drift apart and despite still seeing "me" in the distance, I can't quite reach and keep "me" from drifting away. I watched the end of The Blue Lagoon the other night. The frantic-ness with which the boy tried to reach the drifting paddle (in the super calm water with the circling shark) and then the calm resigning they did to losing it and just being adrift was reassuring. Perhaps we eventually stop lamenting what was lost and are just content to drift and be what we are. (Of course, shortly after this they opted for the berries because what they were would eventually kill them anyway, but another point for another time maybe.)

Maybe it's that I'm sick again with a virus, ear congestion and sinuses holding onto everything inside of them for dear life. This makes the third virus since December. Each one has a lovely intermission of a sinus infection and the last time, sinus AND yeast. Aren't you happy you stopped by to see what I was up to today? :) :)

Maybe it's the feeling of giving everything and receiving nothing but the request to give more. The kids require alot of love, attention and are needy in so many ways. The 60 of them we are seeing daily gives you little time to "recharge" before the next one. The end of the day is draining and the "recharging" isn't happening in the face of laundry, cleaning around the house, the mail piling up. Even the little pick-me-up I've had lately - the glimmer of hope for a break in the current "climate" - the little Crocus sprouting up by our mailbox has become withered and trampled upon since it's initial sprouting. The money keeps rolling out and EVERYONE and their mother keep asking for it. The rolling in is less eventful and less frequent, I guess that's why I wonder constantly why I haven't gone bankrupt yet and where I got all the smoke and mirrors.

But the dream of running away. The carefree, lightness of it all. Somehow in our dreams there are no bills, no commitments, no "have-to-do"s. It is grocery shopping in 70 degree weather at outdoor markets just for food for the day. Light cotton dresses with perfect hair (no pun intended, but the new cut and color are growing on me). Friendly, unintruding faces who offer up a nice hello, ask about your life and continue on their way. Totally happiness in the woman - who she is, where she is, what she is...with no stress, no longing, no desire. Aha. The dream that keeps you going when you are feeling blue. May yours be vibrant and plenitful and most of all, present.

Song by Frank Sinatra

Shut Your Eyes

Hi All!

Well, I haven't been sleeping too well lately, so this'll be a jumpy all over-the-place kind of blog. I'd LOVE to write at length about any of these things, but my mind doesn't do "at length" on anything anymore. Don't ya hate that? I have opinions, but before I can start thinking about writing them down, my mind is off running to the next subject. Like....

• I went to Starbucks this morning as a "treat" on my way to shop for the Shower that has become a headache for me. I decided to be a good Weight Watchers Lifetime person and order the Skinny Vanilla Latte. It wasn't bad, but had a Splenda-y aftertaste, of which I am not a big fan. I'm thinking for the extra 2 or 3 points the sugar syrup version is worth it!
• The Shower for my friend Becky is this Saturday. Communication has been nonexistant and I just found out Monday what the gift is going to be from us. It seems VERY casual from your bridesmaids and I think we should've done better. One of the BM and I are buying an extra "something" to go with the gift. This is killing me, since I also found out yesterday the quoted price of our part of the shower DOUBLED.
• Money has been tight and awful for me lately. I'm trying so hard to scrimp and save and use every little thing for everything. Every time I turn around it's something else or someone else springing extra money costs on me. I got a Sewer Bill from the town where I live. Now, K and I have quarterly paid our county for Sewer in the year we lived here. I never knew I'd owe a fee to the town too! Ugh! Luckily, they gave me a month warning before the first payment is due. I've been working at least $200 worth of overtime in every paycheck and still I'm struggling. PLEASE keep your fingers crossed and strong prayers for a raise in our new contract. I am still making less than a teacher with my experience and working more hours. The money would be a huge relief. Needed, because every day I feel less and less like "myself". (My mom calls me angry. I don't even freakin care.)
• Knowing that money is tight, I debated lightening my hair. I had decided against it, but the more and more it began to look "dirty" blonde, the more I thought it needed something. I finally said to myself "you've worked alot of overtime this year and even though it's tight, a one-time paying for hair if it makes you feel good about you is worth it". I made the appointment, took the time off work and went. I hate it. K thinks it looks more brown. I think it looks brassy/redish, and some people at work think it looks lighter. My mom thinks it looks beautiful and natural. This couples with a haircut/style I hate made the whole thing a fiasco. The colorist told me she didn't think I liked it and told me to promise I'd come back if I really didn't. After a few days, I was still unhappy, but didn't go back. I went back and forth. I wanted to give her the option to fix it and make me happy. I mean, I paid ALOT of money for it, had taken in a picture of me in the color I wanted (which was just the summer version of my nautral hair color) and should get what I wanted. The other part of me thought maybe I was overreacting since everyone I work with and family like it. Plus, Spring Sports had started and where was I going to find 2 hours, plus putting my hair through MORE chemicals, to get it fixed. I decided to hope for sunshine to take over from here out and left it alone. The haircut I was more upset with. I told him I wanted to let it grow b/c of the wedding I'm in this May (see above Shower reference). I took a picture and he said, yeah, we can do that. I don't think it looks anything lik the picture - which rested at her shoulders, while mine ends just below my chin. I also think he took 10 years off my age. While some women may think it's a good thing, from someone who regularly looks 26 and feels her looks contribute to the fact people don't always listen to her as an authority, I can tell you shaving age off me is NOT good. In the week and 2 days since I've had it cut, I've cried over it 2 or 3 times and dreamt once someone was forciably holding me down and shaving my hair off. Traumatic, to say the least. (and all in all, it's not horrible, but not me or spectacular either)
• Is it wrong to have the thought that you may have to start taking personal days because you can't afford the gas to travel to work and back?
• HaHa Eliot Spitzer
• AND, I'm sorry, but you absolutely couldn't say or do ANYTHING that would make me stand up next to my husband while he admitted to the world he slept with a prostitute. It would be all I could do to let him stand up there without a big, red, frying pan welt across his face (or black eye, or at least a HUGE limp!)!
• Earlier this year, just after Jill's b-day (Feb 10th) I got a Sinus Infection. Since I had just had one in December, my PA wouldn't put me on the Z-pack again for fear of "acclimating" and put my on 10 days of Augmentin. You females know what happens on Antibiotics? Well, it's March 13th and I'm still freakin dealing with that aftermath. Z-PACK next time I'm putting my foot down. It's only 5 days and my body LIKES it - or at least I suffer no month long backlash!
• Alright, well, I should go get some sleep since I won't be getting a whole lot this weekend. Happy St. Pat's on Monday. Harp for everyone! :)

-Sonce by Snow Patrol

Boring

Hey Blog Readers!

Can't write a whole lots because there's not much to say. Sports are done until March 7th, so now it's just paperwork, cleaning, organizing and getting ready. NONE of these are in the Top 5 things I love about my job! However, a few of the girls and I are going to see the Wings play LA tomorrow (Aim, remember Jake Bergey? He plays for them.). Our Dr. office gives us ticket vouchers every year - so a free, fun Friday night! An old friend and coach (Women's Soccer) from Greensboro is going to be in town, so I'm going to see him next Thursday, I hope. Hair cut and highlights Wednesday (gotta look as good as I used to! I'd hate to disappoint anyone! :) ).

Just counting down days and trying to control my excitement about my April 8-12 trip to Disney with our 2008 Senior Class! It's really the warm weather 1st and Disney 2nd! It's so freakin' cold here! Since Aim said I had to do it...I'll leave you guys with this.


Rules: You have to post the rules before you give your answers. You must list one fact about yourself beginning with each letter of your middle name. (If you don't have a middle name, use your maiden name). After you are tagged, you need to update your blog with your middle name and your answers. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag one person for each letter of your middle name. (Be sure to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and that they need to read your blog for details.)

L - Lepid. At least I hope I am. Most of the time, unless I'm I or E! :)

E - Exhausted. Don't know why, but I feel exhausted more than I feel rested in the last few years. I'm hoping this turns around in the near future.

I - Inapt. Some days I feel totally this way and other days I feel completely the opposite.

G - Goofy. I am. I know it's not often, but it DOES happen sometimes and when it does it's like I've been holding it in for years.

H - Hopeless. The more I mention things and my mother says "You've been like that since you were 2", the more I realize it's hopeless to think I'll be anything other than what I am.

Photograph

Since I'm tired and still sick (yes again. Stupid body hates me!), I figured I'd just add a pic or two for your viewing pleasure! :) I'm alive and I'll write more when I'm feeling better - and more like myself.

-Song by Def Leppard

Adelaide's Lament

I Hab A Code. Don't know how it habbened. Just woke up yesterday morning wida code. My nose is stuffy and my throat is scratchy and I feel like I hab cotton in my sinuses. Oh, yeah and my ear itch. Fun, Fun, Fun.

I hobe you all are brabing the weather bedder than me. As soon as I get adjusted it'll be time to change for spring, I'm afraid. Habby Monday and Hab a GREAT week!

-Song from Guys and Dolls

If It Makes You Happy

HAPPY LIST!! HAPPY LIST!!

1. Coffee. Yesterday I splurged and bought myself 20 ounce. My boss, knowing my couple days before had been crappy, bought me a 16 oz. I drank ALL of it! :)
2. Not giving a d*mn I was up 3 pounds. Part of me tonight started to panic though. Hoping it really IS hormones and not a backwards slide.
3. Sleeping in my own bed. Looove my bed. It seems like I've hardly spent any time in it and yet, except for my trip last weekend to Long Island, I'm pretty sure I haven't slept anywhere else.
4. Being the talk of the school. For as much as I'm not a "center of attention" person, it's pretty cool to be the catalyst for teachers talking, socializing and, apparently, play wrestling with each other as a greeting now.
5. While I am working my tail off the next 2 weeks and weekends, I MAY get a down weekend between Wrestling Districts and Becky's Shower in Long Island. Keep your fingers crossed, my poor feeble brain desperately NEEDS a break.
6. Getting on the elliptical again tonight. Gotta get back to working out - especially being 3 pounds heavy
7. Getting through the rough patches at work this week.
8. Chocolate Red Velvet Cupcakes I'm making for Valentine's Day. I'm going to share with a select few.
9. Did I mention I might be getting a break soon? There is a slight glimmer of light at the end of a freakin long tunnel of work.
10. Disney World in 2 months. You may have to re-read this a few times....but I'm going to be a Senior Trip chaperone! :)

Happy Weekend everyone!

-Song by Sheryl Crow

Another Day

Well, it's been some time since I've been here and it seems like life has just been plowing along like an Amtrak train. Most days I feel like I'm the tracks, today I'm feeling a little more like the wheels. I'm hoping for the day I feel like the train.



Last weekend I went to an old Salisbury friend's house to help her sister plan her bridal shower. We had a great time Saturday night and traffic cooperated with us in BOTH directions! I got home shortly before kickoff Sunday and spent the night camped out on mom and dad's couch "recovering" from my body's lack of sleep.



This lack of sleep comes from MANY things, but the initial assessment is that bars in Long Island close at 4am and my allergies kicked in around 8am Sunday morning. The secondary reasons are money, money money - which leads to my overanalyzing, overtired (because I usually hit the "vicious cycle" thoughts an hour or so past exhausted) brain wishing I had someone male to "lean" on for the days I don't feel like I can take one more thing. My mortgage payment went up per month and I've already been just barely scraping by with my bills. Once my roommate goes, the only bit of money I'd been putting into savings for the 2 1/2 months I don't get paid will cease. It seems like every day since right before Christmas another bill was going up, or someone needed to get paid, or it was a "special occasion" I was invited to participate in. The biggest problem is that with the hours I work a part-time job is all but impossible. I'm trying to cut as many things out and scrimp as much as I can, but working with a bare bones budget to begin doesn't leave room for much "cutting out". The money has kept me up many nights in the last month +. If you ever feel that your days are just dragging by, I highly recomending working 6 days a week and barely sleeping! :)

As I tried to think more about things that happened BEFORE Super Bowl weekend, I realized I can recall events, if prompted, but not days or hours. And pretty much, UNLESS prompted, no thoughts come to mind at all. This week did not disappoint though. The train kept rolling at high speeds and over me back and forth and back and forth. I'm pretty sure it was all the same train back and forth, but who knows....could be multiple trains. It all feels the same to the tracks.

Monday began harmlessly enough and I'm thinking was pretty uneventful. Tuesday I had to work basketball, then was heading over to mom and dad's for free dinner and to pick up the bridesmaid dress I left there (along with some other things). Shortly after school, we had a wrestler come to see us with a painful collarbone. He injured it Thursday, reaggravated it Saturday and was Extremely point tender still on Tuesday. After talking to his mom, it was decided he would get picked up right then and go for x-rays. I walked to the wrestling room to tell our coach. A wrestler we treat had this to say of his coach "Ms. V, he's like an 8 year old. When you talk to him, he's not really listening to you because in his head he's trying to figure out what wrestling move he could pull on you right then.". He hit the nail on the head, as our wrestling coach is known by many faculty and administrators for walking up to you and trying to "shoot" (wrestling move) on your leg. (Basically, it's using two hands to grab you at the knee.) He also paws at you like a kitten with a string toy, in the way that wrestlers do.

The better, more vivid imagination you have for this part, the better and funnier the story will become. Believe me, I can't make this stuff up. I entered the wrestling room and all of our wrestlers were in a large circle doing push-ups. Our coach was in the center of the circle, also doing push-ups. I have learned in the last couple of months that if I do not look our coach in the eye when talking to him, he will randomly "shoot" on someone walking by and wrestle right away from me. I walked to the center of the circle and sat down indian style in front of his face. While he's bobbing up and down doing push-ups, I'm filling him in on the plan for his JV wrestler. Just as I finish, he blows the whistle and the boys get up to run. HE lunges forward at me, knocking me flat on my back and trying to "get hand control" to "pin" me. I quickly tuck my legs to my chest, take my right hand and push him away telling him to stop it. (Please keep in mind, I am not angry - don't ask me why) He continues to try and keep me from squirming away, until I finally roll out from under him. (I was pretty sure if I tried to "wrestle" back, it would've made it worse.) I walked back to the Athletic Training Room laughing at the absurdity of what had just happened. I guess you had to be in the situation to understand that it was not threatening, scary or harassing...just ludacrious. He really is like a child and doesn't think randomly wrestling people without their consent is a problem. I told our Head ATC, as well as our Assistant Athletic Director- both male and both of whom have been "victims" of our wrestling coach.

As can be expected in a high school, word got around quick. All day yesterday teachers were walking in and saying "Is it true?" "I can't believe what I just heard" and the like, mostly followed by things like "I was trying to teach class and he kept 'shooting' on me" and "I was in a meeting last week and he walked in and started batting me around trying to get me to wrestle with him.". Everyone has a story. So, I've been the buzz of the school for 2 days. I've received offers to wrestle now from other teachers, great sumo pictures and fake high school yearbook pictures and some who just laugh at the absurdity when they see me coming. Quite the week. One I can't wait to be over and am just hoping the buzz dies down.

Last night, I walked into the lion's den again for a wrestling match. Our first match of the night a wrestler comes up from a move grabbing his elbow and jumping around. He went down on the mat and I after a quick 30 second evaluation realized he couldn't move his fingers and disqualified him from his match. I stablized him and moved him to the side for further eval. I was going to send him to the ER with his guardian, but my gut was screaming ambulance. His motion and strength hadn't returned after 10 minutes and he was complaining of his arm being numb. His elbow was hot and swollen, his pain was increasing, as was his agitation. Worried about shock, I decided we needed an ambulance. One was called and I informed our Athletic Director of the decision. He immediately berated me because "I have a hard time calling an ambulance for someone who can walk. What if we need one later? It's your call, but I think it's a poor decision." As I tried to let him know I was worried about shock he reiterated "It's your call, but a poor decision.". I have NEVER heard him use the tone of voice he used with me last night and I was hurt, shocked and angry. In the 10 minute analysis I did in my head after we sent him to the ER, I asked myself 100 times Did I make the right decision? Would I do it again? The answer both times was yes. I couldn't help but still hold a little grudge towards him today. I was still angry about the tone of voice and question (essentially) my medical decision. For a change from the norm lately, I had no qualms or self-doubt.

I got in this morning and I was exhausted and drained. The last few days (weeks...months...) had taken their toll. I vascilate between tired, complacent, angry and sad all day. Our Head ATC 100% agreed with me (especially after seeing the kid at the end of the day today - while the ER said he only had a sprain, his elbow is swollen to the size of a grapefruit and he was in obvious immense pain) in my decision and even brought me coffee this morning knowing I'd be a basket case about last night. HE brought the angry for our office today, I just looked like "needs replacing" train tracks. We both tried to stay away from most people (we had games, so it wasn't easy) and I got to be politely short with our Athletic Director (I was hoping he'd apologize and I guess his actually speaking to me might've been guy code for "Let's move past this" but I wasn't ready yet, so I snipped my answers short without being disrespectful and that's the best he's gonna get from me for awhile.). My sister's 30th b-day is this weekend and I'm looking forward to the Flyers game, even the night out with the girls a little bit, but mostly I'd like some downtime - me time, that I'm pretty sure is never gonna come (at least, judging from my calendar, not any time between now and the 1st weekend in March - as I'm working ALOT of overtime and extra pay playoffs to try and ease the money woes).

The train keeps speeding along at Mach-10 and there isn't really an end in sight. After the last few days, I'm feeling more like the wheels - just rolling along frantically as opposed to getting sped over and hoping for the days I can feel like the train, looking sleek and fierce, fast and in control.

-Song by Paul McCartney

Tears In Heaven

Hi Aim (and maybe Hank) (anyone else reading?)!

I found out Saturday while in the midst of my 8am-9pm day that one of my former Basketball/Baseball players mothers had passed away. Kyle is a Soph at Johns Hopkins and was such a sweetheart. When I first met him as a Soph or Jr at Lenape, someone told me his mother was battling breast cancer. I often wanted to ask Kyle how she was doing, but never wanted to bring the subject up in case school (Student Council President) and sports (as I mentioned, Basketball and Baseball) were a refuge into normal for him. Kyle's senior year I heard a few things about how Mrs. O was not doing too well. Kyle graduated and moved on to JHU and stops back to visit on occasion. I still never had the heart to ask.

One kid in the group of guys he hung out with, BJ I keep in touch with fairly regularly. I always ask BJ about Kyle and his mom. I think about them often. How difficult it must be for an 18 y.o. boy to leave home for college and his life knowing his mother is fighting for life everyday. BJ never really has much news - "Ms. V, guys don't talk about that stuff. We get together and hang out, but he doesn't share and we don't really ask. We're guys.". Our Student Council Advisor told me Saturday about her passing away. He told me Kyle was at a few Varsity Bkt games over the holiday and told him his mom was in pain all the time. They hoped it wouldn't drag on a suffer.

I have been told lately I'm "maternal" and I guess that kicked in when I heard. I attended the viewing on Saturday. What a group of people! It was quite a turn out. Kyle seemed pleased to see me and genuinely seemed to be doing alright. The same could be said for the older son, daughter and Kyle's dad (who after seeing me often for Kyle's injuries must've been surprised to see me there). I know it must be different when you've been faced with the reality of this moment for years. According to another former baseball player I saw at the Funeral Home Mrs. O had fought back a bout with breast cancer years before I met Kyle, so the thought that this could eventually be reality had been in their home for a long time. Perhaps that's what the calm, serene and happy (? - can you say that? it was smiling and friendly attitude...maybe happy isn't the exact right term) look of the family was. I worry though about the moments in the next week or so. For the Father - when all the visitors have left and both of his sons return to college (his daughter is married) leaving the house quiet and lonely for the first time. Or when, after returning to college, either of the sons calls or comes home and mom is not on the other end. Or for the daughter when her own child is born, or when she wants advice on cooking, marriage or the like and there is no mother left to turn to. It's these moments when I think the grief strikes you most.

I told Kyle he always knows where I am should he need anything. Not that he'd ask, it's not how he is. The group of guys from h.s. are close and the mothers even more so. Kyle will never want for anything any of those mothers can provide. I hope the Father knows he can come watch baseball, see the new Lenape crop, socialize with those around him and in a place he spent so much time to forget the loneliness even for awhile.

When I knelt beside her coffin, I offered up a little prayer for the continual watch, love and support of those she left behind.

-Song by Eric Clapton

Kokomo

O.k., so it's not quite, but I had to stay with the song title thing! It's been almost ONE YEAR since Aim whisked me away to paradise and I'm having TOTALLY withdrawl and yearning lately. Wouldn't You?

-Song by Beach Boys

I'm Just A Bill

I think in all my "I'm sick" and "Woe-Is-Me" crap I forgt to mention I went to the National Constitution Center over the holiday. It wasn't quite what I expected, but I still enjoyed it. I might be able to spend a few hours there, but I was disappointed by how much they glanced over the creating and purpose of the Constitution.

To show you how geeky our family is, we made this a family outing day because my mom wanted to see the First Lady exhibit. I've seen bits of it before when Aim, Katie and I went to the Smithsonian and loved it. We started at the Freedom show which is pretty much just a "Hooray American and our rights!" thing. Geeky thing is, I was getting all teary eyed hearing the "look what our founders started, how it's stood up over the years and all the things it's helped our country accomplish". Silly, right? I figured for fear of being made fun of, I'd keep the teary eyed thing to myself. We exited the theater an before wandering around the displays, Jill looks at us and says "Am I really a geek for getting all teary-eyed during that show?". I started laughing and blurted out "ME TOO!". I couldn't tell if my mom's smile was proud of us or wondering how she raised us! :)

My favorite thing was the Founders' Hall. It has lifesize statues of the signers of the Constitution (and the 3 dissenters) made to fit their actual perportions and pictures taken of their faces. Too cool. Check out the Big, bad delegation from Pennsylvania! I have an individual pic of me and my favorite guy, Ben Franklin. (That's him in the bottom right front.)

All in all a good day. Yay America! :)

Song Title from Schoolhouse Rock

Desparate, but Not Serious

Hey Blog fans (um, Aim, I'm pretty sure it's just you. :) )!

Well it's a late night post, so ya'll know what that means - rambly and "woe is me" stuff. I'll try to keep that part of it light, but as we begin a new year it's hard not to wonder where the hell my life is headed? Twice in every year, as the year ages and as I age, I ponder the years gone by. As Indigo Girls once said "Every 5 years or so I look back on my life and Ihave a good laugh.". Ain't it the truth. I keep waiting for the NYE when the ball drops and I get to go back a year. I'm not sure if I'd re-do anything, the year being exactly what it had been day-by-day, but I always feel like I've lost another year off my life...off my living.

For the terribly feminist, this will seem a tad...well, just a tad. People always say you can't wait for a man to make you who you are, but I feel like that's exactly what I'm doing. Don't get me wrong, I've been the same person more or less for 30 years (ask my mother) and I'm guessing the next 30 won't change me that much. I just want someone to share my life with. Someone who will travel with me, adventure with me, etc. It's easy to say "you should do those things anyway. Don't let not having someone hold you back.", but what fun is a moment if you don't have someone to share it with. For i.e. If I had been in my room alone making up sign language after a few beverages, it just wouldn't be as funny as it was when Amy was there to see it...and then every once in awhile rehash it.

It's also nice to have someone to share the highs and lows in your life with. Someone who's just as vested in them, who feels like they're living them with you. Friends, I love you, but you are just not the same. Since alot of you are married, you know exactly what I mean. I feel as though THIS is what is missing in my otherwise good, fulfilled life. And the loneliness from that often consumes the good and takes over.

I was awoke yesterday at 9am to a horrible pain in my stomach. I was not schedule to be into work until 2pm, so I set my alarm for 10am, planned a quick 20 or so minute workout on the treadmill and grocery shopping before coming home to shower, dress and begin my work day. (Before you get jealous, jealous, jealous - keep in mind I will be working from 7:30-5:30 Saturday. Perspective, my friends! :) ) So, not only was this stupid pain stirring me a full hour before my scheduled time (and you know how I like to sleep!), it ended up debilitating me for the entire morning. I laid in bed, yelling with my sad, pathetic energy "I HAD PLANS"! It started as an irritation at the day, but the more I repeated it (with each wave of nausea) I applied it to the past 8 years of my life. Years I look at as wasted years. Years of just being and doing with no life behind them. I had plans.

I had visions when I was middle school (7-8)/(9-10) high school age of working in a glamorous fun business career (I think it might've been PR) before rushing to meet my TD&H boyfriend and close girlfriends for some drinking, dancing and catching up, then laughing and hand holding all the way home with my TD&H where we would cuddle up on the couch and talk, happy as could be. I know they're visions of delusional pre-teens spurred on by media, but even as I got older the "dreams" persisted. These were of making kids lunches, a morning breakfast of rushing and moving before a good-bye kiss, buses and swooshing out the door to work, only to come home again to crawl exhausted into bed curled up in the arms of a man I love, who loves me back the same. These were my plans. I HAD plans. Nowhere in my plans were holiday gatherings as the only single in the ever-growing group of spouses and children. Or another holiday of the "I just don't understand why you're still single" conversations. The NYE midnight kisses that weren't as the stores go from Christmas to Valentine's - another in the long string of reminders that your plans don't matter.

They say the Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men often go Awry, but I should get some say. It should be like a police violation - I should be allowed to face my accusor. I should get to tell the person in charge of the waves of nausea and worse that I HAD PLANS! Grocery shopping and Treadmill may not seem like Grand Ball kind of things, but THEY WERE MY PLANS! If lets say, instead of Grocery Shopping and Treadmill I'd had Ed McMahon, I might concede my plans could wait and were silly. You win. You are right. You're plans were better. But Nausea and worse when I've been sick for a month?!?! It's Crap! I feel like Adam Sandler in Happy Gilmore. I keep trying to get the ball into the Clowns mouth and the clown keeps spitting it out and laughing at me!

I keep trying to be positive. Keep trying to say "Maybe what the future holds is better for me.". But I'm pretty sure I started THAT tradition in 2003. 5 years of Wasted Time. I wish I could believe, I try often to believe it wasn't wasted. That the future is better. The plans for me are better. The reality is that year after year I lose the hope and the faith. And after 5 years of nothing positve or hopeful I have pretty much given up hope and sink into the knowledge I will be a miserable old woman with cats. (Or worse, find the most wonderful man at 40 and no kids are possible - hearing the OB/GYN say "If only you'd found each other and started sooner".)

Alright, so none of that was light (although, if you could've seen me feebley shouting at my ceiling, you'd laughed your behinds off! :) )., but always heavy on my mind at this hour of the evening, when the window opens and I am too tired to fight it off. On other random notes - I'm still sick and lethargic, but getting better. I have a good couple hours every day, then feel as though I've been attacked by a vampire - sucking the life and energy right out of me. After a month or so of this (and I'm on the upswing), I just look forward to the good couple hours.

A friend of mine and LAX coach who just got married in October was diagnosed over break with testicular cancer. He had his testicle removed and CAT scan show it is mixed cells in his Lymph near the removed testicle. He's 31. (Now, talk about your I HAD PLANS stories - he and his wife were engaged, called it off, were apart for a year an got together about 3 years ago before getting married in October.) The upside is, his wife found out she was pregnant just days after he found out about the cancer. She's 2+ months along.

Otherwise, not much else has been going on because I've been virusing - sleeping and drugs through most of December. It's all a blur and any plans I had...well, let's not get started on THAT again.

Love ya'll (and by ya'll I mean pretty much I'm sure just Amy!:) )

The Shortest Story

Guess what I got for Christmas?

Aim, thought you'd like it. I happen to LOVE it. Lots of pockets. I can actually FIND stuff! :)

More later - for now. Sleep tight.