In My Head

Sorry it's been awhile. I keep meaning to come on. I know, you hear it often. Soooo...time for rambling stuff from me!

• I've been thinking alot about random people. Erin pops into my head alot lately. Ben, my old roommates from Sr. yr. in college's friend who loved my Mav Man and used to tuck me in at night and play me music. It's strange. I keep thinking of the line from Alice In Wonderland "People come and go so quickly around here". Amen to that in MY head, sweetheart!
• I'm liking my job a little bit more. I am starting to get a better handle on the organizing of my space, but for some reason all AT skill seems to feel like it's filtered out of my head. I got a small victory yesterday when our QB came in with xrays that seemed to prove right what I'd been saying for 2 weeks prior. I'd even started to waiver and doubt. I still feel slightly like a stranger and some days go a whole day without a conversation with another person (besides my mother). It's a process, I know and I'm trying. I do have my doubts as to whether I'll ever fit in here. I just hope I can settle in to feeling good about the job switch soon.
  
• Along with random people, random moments pop into my head often before I go to sleep. Mostly embarassing or horrible moments - like in h.s. (9 or 10th grade) when I had jewelry stolen from swim practice. I can feel the feeling, the heat rushing to my face, the sinking feeling in my stomach like it was yesterday. Also moments like the guy rear-ending me two months ago, making up my own sign language night...I'm surprised I'm not dreaming yet of showing up in public naked or my teeth falling out. These at least are "symbols" I understand. Reliving bad events in my life aren't. I can't figure out why they pop into my head or how to make them stop. It's almost always as I am trying to fall asleep.
• If any Catholics are reading, could you please ask St. Anthony to make an appearance at my house? I'm missing a ring and I SWEAR I've looked everywhere. I keep having "blackout" moments in my memory. I simply can't remember certain steps of a day, week, etc. It's getting better than it was 2 months ago, when I lost my work keys (never found them, I think I threw them in the trash. I think this because when I got a new set, I almost threw THEM in the trash!), the above mentioned ring and a few other things I have no idea when I saw them last or what I did with them. That chunk of time is just gone. Maybe some divine intervention and I'm pretty sure no one up there listens to me. which begs the question why I keep talking? I guess I figure eventually they'll put two and two together and go "THAT'S what that noise was!"
• I decorated my house for Christmas and it always makes me feel more homey and cozy. I have to do the outside lights and I swear I'm missing a box of Christmas stuff, as the decor looks sparse. I know I'm missing a nativity (my mom calls it the economy version) and I'm pretty sure some ornaments.
  
• I have also bought a few presents, but other than what I have, have NO idea what to get for anyone. I'm not feeling like spending money or buying anyone anything this year. I'm not feeling generous toward the people I love. Is that wrong? My heart goes out to strangers, the unemployed, homeless, down-and-out lately (I watched that Secret Millionaire show on Hulu.com today and although I thought the millionaires at time looked like cheesy millionaires, I cried through alot of it.) but not anyone close (in proximity) or immediate family (mom, dad, sister). Thus making it hard to shop. I'm thinking about charity donations, but what fun are they to open on Christmas and would my family enjoy it or be disappointed (ultimately; not on the surface when you look like a horrible person if your Christmas present money was donated to charity and you are upset and crushed you didn't get a shiny new gift)?? And I feel bad because if I didn't have to work all holiday, I'm pretty sure my dad would have us all swept off to Bermuda because we'd all like to run away this year!
  
• How come when I look around the clutter in my house everything makes sense why it's where it is, but I never seem to fix it. For instance, I have two bags of clothes to give away to the Vets. They make sense why they're in the floor in my office, but why don't I ever call the vets and get them out of there? I mentally have everything neat and tidy, I just don't ever follow through. I need those Clean House people. Well, maybe not them. I want someone who will kick my "give away/keep/sell" butt in gear, as well as someone who can help me with the finishing touches on MY decorating.
• I think the 2-9pm schedule agrees with me, but lets see how long this last. I've been getting things done, I have energy at work, I'm losing weight b/c I'm bringin my dinners to work, so I'm eating less.
  
• I'm feeling sad. Not really sure why most of the time, just sad. lonely. and I keep comforting myself with Peppermint Latte. Luckily my weight is down from all the "taking dinners"or I'd be 1000 pounds right now. I wish I could find away to comfort myself through exercise.
  
• I'm back to thinking eHarmony is my only option. It makes me even sadder, spirals me into a "how the heck did I get here? Where did my future go? what kind of life is this when the only things you've ever wanted from life elude you?" and then I feel like a pathetic, unattractive, loser. This brings me to defiantly rebel against the eHarmony option, just prolonging the time I spend alone. I think I'd be o.k. if someone could SHUT OFF the stupid biological clock AND society (drs. included) who keep reminding me I'm not getting younger.
• Why didn't anyone warn me that in adulthood, I would not get zits, but big red lumps (I think they're the size of Texas, but I think really pea sized) that swell my face so I look like I was sucker punched then slowly "shrink" over what feels like years! I swear no one in days has seen my eyes because they are looking at the right side of my chin that's swollen with a big, red, shiny mountain on it. I think given the options I'd take the zits!
• I'm back on my meds, can you tell? I'm a different mood inside every 5 minutes. Isn't that fun?!?! The good part is, I only share them through writing or with my said loved ones from above. Otherwise, people must think I'm pretty even keel! :) I'm HOPING once I get used to them again, it'll all go away.
• Time for bed. Beware of the stupid people driving. They appear to be everywhere! Let's just make that stupid people! And they ARE everywhere. Peace Out Cub Scouts! :)
  

-Song by Kiss