New Year's Resolutions

I've become cynical. Some of you that read this frequently may find that hard to believe. How far would I have to travel to BECOME cynical, you ask. Not very, but the point is, I'm there. Resolutions at New Year's are notoriously broken. So, why then do we set them every year? Why even bother? We know we aren't going to do what we say we are going to do - unless it's a resolution like "I'm going to start to go to the gym." because after one visit, whether or not you ever return, you have met your resolution and started to go to the gym. :) (You could take this one step further and leave the house to go to the gym, then end up shopping and eating out because you did, essentially start to go to the gym.) So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions I'm recycling past resolutions for this year.

1. Lose 15 pounds

2. Start running again (making #1 SO much easier)

3. Keep my floor clean (which hopefully will be easy once I clean it tonight)

4. Learn Spanish

5. Learn to play the piano

6. Get better about keeping in touch with friends and family

7. Eat better

8. Help out more around the house

9. Save money

10. Be more patient

Maybe this time around, these resolutions will actually get crossed off the list of things to do. I hope you all have a great New Year and keep every resolution you set in 2005.

Hey Everyone!
I've been meaning to write and see how everyone's holiday went...and to send the remainder of my Christmas Cards, but I've been temporarily replaced by some bug. The Physician's Assistant at my Doctor's office took some of my symptoms over the phone from my mother and told her I had a "virus". Mom thinks it might be more like the flu. I think my soul has been sucked out by one of the ghosts from "A Christmas Carol". In any case, I have to go back to work tomorrow, so I'm hoping I start feeling more like myself.

My Christmas was good. Got a DVD player for my room, complete with Netflix. I've very excited about this. My sister (and Trish) are addicted to Netflix. We had a full 20-30 minute conversation about it on my last day as a "real" person Thursday. I really should go online and start my list of movies I want them to send me. I mean, how wonderful for a lazy person. Not only do you get mail with your name on it (that you actually want to receive, as opposed to those junk mailings that pretend to know you), but you don't even have to drive the 5 minutes down the road to the local Blockbuster to see a movie...OR...remember to return it the 5 minutes down the road when you are done. Just stick it in the little envelope they send you and place it in the mail. This is great! Now, I just have to set up the DVD player. Hmmm...that seems like alot of work for a lazy person. :)

I also got an apron from Paula Dean's restaurant/store signed by Paula Dean's sons. Or as mom says, my future husband and his brother. She thinks Jamie is just great (I've only seen one Paula Dean show...her wedding...so it's hard for me to say.) and would be perfect for me. I'm surprised she didn't kidnap him and have him jump out of a present at Christmas for me. Dad said the night they ate at the restaurant in Savannah, they bought the apron and asked Jamie to sign it. They talked for a long time and when his brother showed up, he signed it as well. Dad said they were great and they all talked for a long time. My Aunt Lois talked to them for even longer than my parents. How wonderful, even for Southerners, to take the time to talk to people and enjoy people as they did!

I know I got some other things, but my mind is a bit foggy. Well, it's time to go take a little nap. I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. I'd love to hear what fun gifts you all got. Feel free to email me. I'm very bored when awake! :)

In preparation for the ever-getting-closer holiday, A few of my favorite Christmas quotes.....

"So Mr. Fancy Claus, remember me? My name is Rerun. What happened to all the things you were going to bring me for Christmas last year? Kind of forgot, didn't you, huh? I don't supposed you'd care to explain, would you, huh?" -A Charlie Brown Christmas Rip-Off Cartoon.

"I was, uh, just decorating my Christmas tree and I was wondering, is there a trick to stringing cranberry sauce?" - The Bob Newhart Show

"I really hate to have to say this, but it's the thought that counts.
Yeah, and these are the results of a really cheap, crappy thought!" - NewsRadio

"Oh My God, I'm married to The Grinch! I'm Mrs. Grinch!" - That 70's Show

"I'm telling you Tommy, that Santa's a bad guy! He's always watching you, keeping track of everything you do and then, in the middle of the night he breaks into your house with a big bag full of who-konws-what!" -Rugrats

"Look Doris, someday you're going to find that your way of facing this realistic world just doesn't work. And when you do, don't overlook those lovely intangibles. You'll discover those are the only things that are worthwhile." – Miracle on 34th Street

"No, for three reasons: A, I'm not that lucky. Two, we use smoke detectors and D, we live on the most boring street in the whole United States of America, where nothing even remotely dangerous will ever happen. Period." – Home Alone

And finally.....


"Deck the halls with boughs of horry, ra ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra." - A Christmas Story

Happy Birthday Mom! (And Mrs. Archambault! :) )

Ever have a day where you're just overly sensitive to everything around you? Not just emotionally, but physically? Lack of sleep or perhaps, I should say the intense need to be asleep usually does it for me. I wasn't really feeling good this morning. It's that time of year and I'm never quite sure if it's sinus or a cold, but it definately is that time of year. When my alarm went off this morning I SO wanted to reach over and sleep the whole day away. Given that my boss is out of work today, I knew that wasn't an option, so I dragged my pitiful little self out of bed. The littlest thing today was magnified by ten. The radio, kids talking/whining, whirlpool whirling...did I mention the kids? They just kept coming. Our 8th period lunch in the Training Room looked like the Vera Wang Wedding Dress Sale. People everywhere pushing and shoving to find space or to get what they needed.

And so many questions! I think their teachers need to let them ask more in class. Insane things, like "What should I do for my injury? I know you said 'ice bag' but that's not what you want me to do." or "Am I done icing yet? It's been 4 hours." Stupid things like that. A couple times I had to bite my tongue (and this question gets me every time) when they say, "You know how you said I sprained my ______? I don't think that's it. It really hurts!" I'm sure my comforting, motherly response (in my head of course) of "No, you're right. You're only a 16 year-old with no idea what your _____ really is. I, however am probably wrong given that I've seen 20 of those so far since September AND that I have years of school and experience and a degree that says I know what the heck your problem is!!!" made them feel so much better. :)

Anyway, 10 hours since my alarm first rang I'd love to say I'm headed home to crawl into bed (which I never wanted to leave in the first place!), but we are taking mom out to dinner for her birthday. (Oh, did I mention that after 2 weeks or more of searching I still have nothing to give her tonight? ) I hope you all are having a wonderful, non-noise or kids filled day! :)

"And I was at Bloomingdale's this morning waiting on line to buy wrinkle cream, and this Jennifer-Love-Michelle-Sarah-Felicity looking thing bumps into me and says, 'Excuse me, ma'am'." - Grace Adler

Lately, I've decided I can sympathize with Grace. Every day, at least 15 times I day, I hear "Miss Van Hee...". Now, I am thrilled that most of our high school athletes have finally learned my name but every time I hear it lately, it shocks me. I'm never really quite sure I should answer. Am I really a Miss? I always just look at them stunned for a minute until I realize that the Miss Van Hee they are talking to is me. My mom used to say to all my friends, "Please call me Linda. Ms. Van Hee is my mother-in-law." How goofy, I thought. You've been Ms. Van Hee for years! I try to remind myself that for 29 years I have been Miss Van Hee, also. So why is it so startling that the "Miss Van Hee" they are speaking to is me?

Somehow, I have evolved into those people in high school I thought were really old. I do remember saying once that 30 was "really old". I was 8. To an 8 year-old 30 is well, old. As in almost time to leave this earth old. Please write out your will and don't forget to put me in it, old. Or If you die, do I still have to come to class? old. Now, I AM that old person!!!! As I've said before, working in a high school constantly reminds me of being in high school. I remember things that happened, crushes I had, sitting in classes. I remember the tension of getting tests back, the struggle to fit in and find your place and how very out-of-it our teachers and principals seemed. To me, it seems like just yesterday, not the 12 years ago it actually was. How did we get from "just yesterday" to old? More importantly, how do we convince ourselves that it wasn't just yesterday AND, still keep the idea that we are not old? Most of the teachers/coaches I am friendly with are younger than me. Not by much, a couple years, but still younger. The kids love them, and yet I bet they sometimes think "My Gosh, they are so old!".

I've decided for this reason, I shouldn't get married any time soon. (Not that there's prospects, but the ideas there...sometime, I would be married.) If I have such a hard time adjusting to being called by my OWN name, imagine trying to answer to one that's new! :) Plus, as the old saying goes, it's hard teaching old dogs new tricks. Well, I'd better run. I think my mom's here. I hear someone yelling for "Miss Van Hee".

Hey Guys! I wrote a post Saturday, but I guess it didn't make it on here. Oh Well.


Ever have a mood just come out and WHAM! hit you like a ton of bricks? I should've seen it coming. I mean, I saw the brick dust falling near me, but ignored it as seeing things. I felt a little brick chip the other night, but it could've been anything. I should've seen the signs, I should've thought more of it, because last night, while I was sleeping a dream snuck in and dropped the whole load of bricks on me.

I never understood how the holidays could get people down. The older I get, the more I understand. It's especially tough being single near the holidays. Not that single is easy anymore. It seems like everything is made for pairs. Most gatherings of friends are lots of couples and me. And I swear, if I hear, "You're single? But you're so pretty!" one more time, who knows what I'll do! What makes people think this is alright to say anyway? Can I say to them "You're wearing that outfit? But you have a mirror!"

Anyway, just when you are thinking you are getting better, moving forward WHAM! Maybe it's working 2 12-hours days and being tired, maybe it's hormones or maybe it's the holidays that remind us of the things in our lives we're missing. Whatever the reason, there really should be a warning in life about the chance of periodicly getting hit with a ton of bricks.

"You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday with no two pizzas." -Joey Tribiani

I love Thanksgiving. It's not so much the giving thanks part, but the eating large amounts of my favorite foods part. Not to mention the football all day and the after dinner nap. This year, my mom wanted to eat Thanksgiving Dinner out. Somehow, that just seems like a sacrilage. I know there are some people who love to eat out, but when you can make good food and eat good food, exactly the kind of food you like - not hoping the place where you're eating has the "good stuffing" or a vegetable you like - why give that up? It's not often you get big meals, why compromise that?

Not only do I like eating Thanksgiving, but I like cooking Thanksgiving dinner. The biggest dilema was the appearance of a Thanksgiving Day football game on my schedule this year. Luckily, our opponent made the playoffs and the games was moved to Friday. Thanksgiving dinner gives Mom ojeta. The planning, the cooking...she begins hyperventilating just thinking about it. In an effort to be easy to get along with, I did relent a bit and this year, we ordered the pies from a farm across the street from my school. I love Pumpkin Pie! Funny thing is, I don't eat it much other than at Thanksgiving. Same thing with Sweet Potatoes.

Well, all this talk about food has made me hungry. Guess I should go eat lunch. I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!! Happy Eating! :)

So, I'm a little over my normal every two week message. Just be glad you didn't have to hear the rant about the ticket I got for waiting to pick my parents up at the airport. I'm still so mad about that! Anyway....

I've been having some really odd dreams lately. I'll spare you all the details, because really, who wants to hear them...but it got me thinking...at what point in your life does the 14 or 15 year-old insecure, "will-they-like-me?" person go away? Perhaps it's working in a high school that has intensified my feelings of "high school" or it could be the dreams that reminded me of the ups and downs high schoolers go through. For girls it was finding friends, fitting in, crushes on guys and dreams with Hollywood endings (oh, did I mention I'm addicted to "teenybopper" t.v.? That could be doing it too!).

As an "Almost 30" person, I have found a calm, happiness in who I am. Comfortable with my body (for the most part-but who wouldn't like to lose a few pounds here or there), my looks, my personality and knowing he's right when he says "it's not you it's me"! :) (not that that's ever happened to me :) ) Yet there's also some 14-15 year-old in me that gets a little thrill from knowing we see a few more athletes because they come in to see me. (Not an "ego" thing, but a fact. Bill's told me there are a few that get upset when I'm not here and it's just him.) Maybe the little part of me from high school that still wants to "fit in with the cool people".

Maybe it doesn't ever go away. I see it from time to time in adults too - Walking into a party of remote friends and wondering if you'll know anybody, will you find anyone to talk to, or what will they think of you? Or the act of walking into a restaraunt (not a deli or McDonald's) and eating by yourself? Maybe we always want to "fit in", be with the cool people, live out the Hollywood ideal life, somehow seeking out retribution for the 14-15 year-old who didn't get the experience the first time around.

It's amazing to me how much getting something out of your system makes you feel better. After writing my last blog, I showed up for work with a whole new attitude. Things have been so much better since. So, here's my happy list. I know it's kind of cheating to do a list and not a whole blog about how much more confident I feel, but I'm working today and won't have much time. I miss hearing from alot of you. Hope all is going well.

1. Getting to pick the music in the training room today, since I'm the only one in. Even if it is James Taylor because I'm sleepy and I was in at 7:45.

2. Picking out my pumpkin after work today

3. Our football team FINALLY winning a game, after 2 weeks of crap games. We are now a whopping 2 and 5! :)

4. Knowing our (cute) boys' soccer volunteer assistant feels the same way about his team as I do.

5. Having a great night out with the coaches last Friday night. (oh yeah, and feeling like I have a life.)

6. Skipping last night so they might think I have a life outside of here. (but I don't...such a dork! :) )

7. Quesadilla night with the girls tonight.

8. Becoming the P.R. committee head for Athletic Training in New Jersey

9. Did I mention my pumpkin yet? :)

10. The leaves are starting to change, which means I begin hibernating. It's a good thing I have a job where I can sleep late! :)

Hey Everyone!

Well, it's official...I'm the Angel of Injury. Which is pretty funny, because I feel like the Angel of Insecurity. Since Wednesday my boss and I have seen: a broken ankle (Wednesday) on our Starting running back (and he started at something on defense too), a torn ACL on our starting quarterback/defensive back(Thursday), a broken shin on a freshman from a visiting school (took 6 pins to fix it because he thought he just had a cramp and tried to walk off the field-Friday afternoon), a possible broken shin on our starting o/d lineman (turned out to be a high ankle sprain-Friday night), and today a possible broken forearm on a JV player from a visiting school.

The worst part is, I have become extremely tentative. I was starting to get my confidence back on Friday when I looked at our quarterback. My ACL showed a stop at the point where a torn ligament wouldn't, so even though all signs pointed to that, I was fairly confident his ligaments were there and reassured him the ligaments looked o.k. Coach too. However, I iced him and brought him inside, just to be safe. Bill (my boss) was in here and I had him look. He got a stop too, but not a great one. He was fairly certain the ligament was gone or about to be, so we arranged for him to see our Doc the next morning, who confirmed Bill's assessment. I haven't been able to get over it.

My only reassurance is that I have done everything right in the safety of the athletes, even if our coaches think I'm not to be trusted alone with their players. (Not that they do, I guess I just feel like they do.) I dealt just fine with the broken shin at our freshman game...it was pretty easy with no tests needed...it was a no-brianer and the ambulance had already been called when I arrived. Just the sacrifice of my knees while I knelt next to the kid for 45 minutes while we awaited the ambulance. Didn't look at all at the high ankle sprain Friday night. And did everything right by the possible broken forearm today. Everything except ask for a second opinion in front of our Freshman coaches (well, I pulled Bill aside and we walked over to the kid on the other teams sideline).

Bill keeps reassuring me that I've done everything well and some of these thing will just take me time in "getting back in the swing of it". I'm sure he thinks for someone who's been out of the training profession as long as I have, that I'm doing pretty well for my first month. I'm just disappointed in myself. I swear I was better as a Senior in college (8 school years ago) than I am now. I know I was sharper then. I also have to keep reminding myself that I had many years of training, classes and hands-on then all fresh in my mind; Now I'm dusting off memory stores that haven't been used in 3 or 4 years. Of course a "mushy" stop on an ACL is gonna be the same as a "stop". And of course, every once in awhile I'm gonna need reassurance that "weird" pop when someone makes a fistis not "normal" and should get an x-ray. I just wish I could thoroughly convince the part of me that is hard on myself; the part that wants the trust of the coaches and athletes, when I don't have it completely in myself.

I think the test on John really rattled me. I was feeling a little put off already because most of my on-field evaluations, Bill would show up and take it over, even if I had been on the same track he was...or trying to move the athlete as quickly as possible. I wanted a little show of confidence in me, and also, to not send a message to the coaches that the "important" injuries were ones I couldn't handle; that my own boss, someone they trust, had full confidence in me. (I've also been having the problem that whenever I assert myself and tell someone to do something in treatments (like get an ice bag and go there), Bill yells at them, or tells them not to do it. Not intentionally to contridict me, I realize, but sometimes I just wish my word could stand...as long as it's not a blatant show of rule-breaking or something I could get fired for doing or saying. And then John got hurt. I had the spotlight all to myself...and fell flat on my face. It has been haunting me since Thursday. While part of me wants to dust off and work harder to show everyone (coaches, but I feel like I need to work twice as hard to gain Bill's trust, as well. He leaves me alone and lets me do things on my own, so he must trust me some, but I wonder if deep down he's going...what the hell happened to this girl?!?!?) I am not complete fluff, the other part of me doesn't have the confidence that I can do it and not just continue to fall on my face, thereby making things look worse.

Needless to say, my body is taking the brunt of my emotions. Especially today, when I stood for 3 1/2 hours in a hot, crowded gymnasium of 2500 people to hear our Vice President speak, getting up at 5am and am now, just about to head home. I've been thinking some mac and cheese might just do the trick. For today. Now I gotta try and gear up for tomorrow...and hope the confidence and the knowledge comes from somewhere soon!

Things I learned in the last 24 hours:

• Being able to stick your fingers is your eyes is underrated (take it from someone who tried for over an hour and can't do it!).
• Sometimes when you "start game over from beginning", you can screw it up worse than you did the first time.
• A chance to be yourself with co-workers is only a great opportunity if you take it.
• Sometimes meeting new friends makes you long for the old ones.
• My bed time is definately 10:30 (at least if I don't want to be easily annoyed all the next day).
• Friendly's Peanut Butter sauce is fantastic!
• (So is salad sometimes!)
• Hearing "you're leaving?" from a co-worker you hardly know that makes you wish you were staying.
• The failures in life give us a great opportunity to improve.
• (Um they also give us a chance to say, screw it I've got to find another way!)
• Cute, laughing babies are incredible mood lifters
• Afl-eck, who-fleck, what-fleck? ;)
• Some days, you've just gotta speak the lyrics to a cheesy song on your friends voice mail.
• The past is so much better now that you're not living it.
• Getting CD exchange CD's done is relieving...procrastinating the mass production, priceless! :)
• Football season in nice crisp football season weather is unbeatable...
• ...as is having a convertible on a 75 degree sunny day
• My grandmother is the cutest old person ever!
• There's something comforting about knowing the other half of you bed is occupied. (Bad when that inhabitant decided laying on your pillow and pulling your hair so you'll feed him is a better way to spend 3am! :) )
• The city that never sleeps is lonely when you have no life there and the people you know there do.
• Finally getting the time and energy to write on this blog, as I've been wanting to do for days now!

Hope you all are well. I'm sure I'll hear from some of you about some of these! :) Happy Weekend! :)

Hello old friends
There's really nothing new to say
But the old old story bears repeating
And the plain old truth grows dearer every day
When you find something worth believing
Well that's a joy that nothin' could take away

And so we meet again
After all these many years
Did we sow the seeds we're reaping
Now that the harvest calls us here
It seems that love blooms out of season
And much joy can blossom from many tears

So old friends you must forget what you had to forgive
And let love be stronger than the feelings
That rage and run beneath the bridge
Knowin' morning follows evening
Makes each new day come as a gift"


Hey Guys! Just wanted to let you know that I'm really enjoying my new job. It's weird how things change in life. It seems I used to have tons and tons of friends and now, just a few very close ones scattered far, far away. (My closest friend lives 20 minutes or so away...yes Trish, that's you! :) ) It's also hard to hear about coaches getting together and doing things and not being included. I'm sure that moment will come. As a matter of fact, you guys would've thought I was the biggest dork at how excited I got when a teacher yesterday invited me to go for a drink with them after this coming Friday's football game. As I'm sure most of you know, the demeanor of a person inside work is often times much different than the demeanor of a person outside of the office environment. It is the same, even in athletics. Anyway, I'm surviving and loving it. Tomorrow, I'll post a little list I found in a magazine I really liked and my comments on most of the things on it. Have a good night! :)

In an old college tradition....A Happy List!!!!

For those of you who read this and don't know, the Happy List was created my Sophmore year in college. It was an email of, well, things on your mind...not always happy. Some were hidden codes or inside jokes, some were obvious (like the sunshining) and others just an inventory of the life. Somehow a rule evolved that if you included someone on your happy list, you had to include them in getting a copy of it. This way, they knew they made an impact on you and, more often than not, they then joined the list and the circle grew. So, here's my list for this past week....

1. Standing in the rain watching football, football and more football all day yesterday.
2. My new boss' son, Billy (he's 10, in case anyone was wondering)
3. Remembering Erin (who's birthday was August 26th. I hope she's in peace.)
4. My new digital Driver's License (and hoping that I look like my driver's license picture! It was actually a good one!!!)
5. Knowing Trish's husband, Chad was surprised at his 30th birthday party last night and that he'll now stop pouting because no one did anything for him!
6. Jeans weather
7. Kraft Macaroni and Cheese
8. Sleeping 12 hours today
9. The Emmy's (I'm addicted to watching them...and trash t.v. in general)
10. The new Fall t.v. season (and knowing now more than ever I need Tivo, since I won't be able to watch all the shows I've grown addicted to like Jack & Bobby, American Dreams, CSI - Miami and Vegas, The O.C., The West Wing, etc.)
11. Kaitlyn Mollie Lewis
12. Hoping my cousin Jeremiah is happy. (He got engaged...or was supposed to...Friday night to a girl from Brasil - where he is currently until January...back at the Word of Life camp he attended for 2003.)
13. Eating like a Pac-Man (and I want so much to lose 10 or 15 pounds, as I'm now the heaviest - scale wise, even though I don't think I look like - I have ever been.
14. Feeling pretty good as I, and those around me, approach 30!
15. My mom's cats. (They do o.k. filling in for Maverick)

Happy Fall everyone! (At least it feels like it here today!)

As of 2:30pm yesterday, I have a license!!!!!!! YEAH!!!!!!!!

Hey Everyone!

I was gonna get on here Thursday night and write a whole little blog about my last "official" day at Lanier. (I worked for our Philly office Friday, so I had to turn everything in on Thursday.) I was a bit sad to be leaving and it caught me by surprise. I was going to get on here Friday and write about how dissappointed I was that my license didn't come through yet. Everyone seems to be able to sympathize with how frustrated I must be that the State Medical board lost my license (and check), then found it, then wouldn't retrun my phone calls for 6 months, then did return my phone calls but things went slowly (and I wound up having to re-submit some forms anyway) and finally, finally after about 1 year of submitting paperwork and checks and badgering people to get answers and processed I am only awaiting my fingerprinting results. Which as of today I still don't have (and I was fingerprinted a week ago). Tonight, I finally decided to log on and just let you all know that I had my first day of work today at Lenape...where I couldn't do much because I don't have a license. The group that is now handling my licensure is very good. Unfort., they can't speed up the Crimial Background people in getting my prints processed (they told us Friday it would be two weeks). (My dad's golf partner, a judge in a neighboring county told us they can get fingerprints processed within 24 hours. So, if I get arrested, they can run my background check fast. To work for the state with children after an agonizing year of state run mishaps and blunders on my behalf, two weeks.)

In any case, every night I thought about writing I realized I was too tired to sit for any length of time and do anything but sleep. So, before I retire for this evening, I just thought I'd give you an update. The day my license does finally go through...I might break down and cry from sheer exhaustion of fighting the state every step of the way in what should be a normal, month or so process. I hope you all are doing well.

I snuck out of a wedding reception.

Is that wrong? Am I really that strange? You know the drunk person at a party that is one minute somewhere, then abruptly gets up and hurridly dashes to somewhere else? That was me. I'm even a bit ashamed to admit it. Here I am though, boldly saying I snuck out of a recpetion.

Here's the thing...I wasn't having a great time. It was nice, I was having a good time, but it wasn't great. The groom tried to warn me months before of this very thing. I didn't listen well enough. Well, I did listen, I just really wasn't sure what to do about it. Who could I bring? The answer, sadly, was no one. Not one single male friend. Not to mention one who is single and would be willing to spend three days at events with people he didn't know...in Maine. No, like it or not, I was on my own for this wedding.

In all my wedding experience, I have never had trouble going to a wedding by myself. I've been to plenty of them. Granted you get the "no date? but you're so pretty" comments from adults. As if being pretty should automatically mean you have someone constantly at your disposal for weddings, family events, etc. Or the "Freaks at table 9" issues of all the single people at a table together. Not to mention the putting you in a spotlight on a dance floor with all the other pretty, single freaks to catch some object being thrown blindly at you. Other than these awkward times, weddings as a single person are fun. You can dance wildly without worrying about leaving the other person alone. You can hang out with your girlfriends and tell stories you would NOT want people to blackmail you with later. You can move in and out of several different groups of people with no alliegance to any one "group" or table. Everyone talks to you because you have no one else around. The slow dance moments aside, weddings as a single person are fun.

The last couple weddings have been different for me. I've been in most of the ones I've attended recently. If I haven't, I've at least felt as close to one member of the "new couple" as anyone else there. It gives me some "home territory" rights or something. (I don't know! See the part where I said I was weird! :) ) I feel more at ease. This past weekend I was determined to be the hit of the wedding (couple excluded, of course). Instead, I was a miserable failure. (In my own mind)

I've been looking forward to this wedding since I got the first "Save the Date". This past weekend was the wedding of my old roommate, Mike and his girlfriend/my old student trainer, Kristina. Two of the most absolutely sweetest people I know! (of course, I do say that about all of my friends. They are all wonderful, wonderful people. ) Friday was a Wine and Cheese/Get to know the people at the wedding Event at Kristina's aunt's house; Saturday was the wedding and the reception; Sunday was a lobster feast at her mom's house. What a 3-day party! I was ready! It's been a long time since I've been to a good party. I needed it.

Friday came, I went to the Wine and Cheese. Mike had hinted that I should bring someone to the weekend because I'd have alot of free time and I wouldn't know too many people. Not a problem for me! I'm a people person! I could talk to anyone! (I apparently am ALOT different in my own mind than in reality.) I took mom as a gift for her, an escape, but she didn't accompany me to any of the events...just the free time stuff. Anyway, I went to the wine and cheese in my nice, cute, summery-yet-sophisticated outfit and took it upon myself to meet people. I didn't want Mike in any way, shape or form to be worried about me. I would be fine. So, introduced myself to groups, chatted a bit, then moved on. After an hour I so, I realized that while I had "met" alot of people, there was no one I felt comfortable around. Like a transfer student, trying to integrate cliques, looking for her niche. There was the family, the sorority sisters, the bridal party, the couples and me. I left about this time, saying a quick goodbye to the bride and groom, then off I went.

Saturday morning was a bit tense. James, my former boss at UNCG and his fiance came walking into breakfast. Me, mom and a couple from MD who were also attending the wedding were talking when they walked in and sat down. It was the first time I had met Jen and she was very nice. James is a current reference, so there was no tension there. The tension arose when Jen turned to James and asked, innocently, where Christy and Neil were staying. Very hurridly and a bit quiet, James told her he did not think they were coming up. I thought my poor mother was going to dash from the table, find the almost-groom and pummel him to an oatmeal consistancy. I, on the other hand, tried to control my suddenly rapid heartrate and erase away the lump now in the pit of my stomach. See...I had expected this. I had been constantly preparing myself and summoning strength for this wedding expecting full well for them to be there. I knew Mike would not leave Neil off his guest list. I also knew Mike wouldn't want me not to come because they were coming. I had been holding out for Kristina. Hoping beyond anything that Kristina would tell me, if Mike would not, Neil and Christy were going to be attending, thereby giving me the time to practice my strength for facing them, head on, at a wedding, together, with no date of my own and no friends to fall back on. I trusted in them to give me warning. I fully expected that since I had heard nothing, they would not be in attendance.

After breakfast, my mother was a wreck. I kept assuring her I would be fine. I had prepared myself, it had been 3 years, I would not for anything want to be with him...to be where she was, I would be fine alone in a room with 80 strangers and them. The wedding itself was lovely. Not even the pouring down rain, thunder and lightening could stop Kristina's smile, as she walked down the aisle, from lighting up the entire town. Mike was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him before a "big game". It was every bit the wedding it should have been. (oh, BTW, no "eternally damned to hell" couple either.)

I showed up at the reception right on time and found I was sitting with the single friends of the newlyweds - the best man (and friend of the groom), maid of honor, matron of honor (recently separated), bridesmaid (and best friend of the groom), groomsman (and childhood friend of the groom) and the groom's cousin. I could not have asked for a better group of people. As dinner went on, they traded stories of bridal party stuff, as well as childhood and high school stuff. When dinner ended, I don't think (honest-to-God truth) I had said more than 15 words. I watched the first dance, the cutting of the cake, participated in having flowers heaved at my head as I stood hiding in the back row trying to not look so single.

I talked to the sorority sisters a little bit and as I was doing the choo-choo train around the dance floor, realized I wasn't really into being at a party. Kristina's ADP sisters were wonderful, but I just felt like they were tolerating me being there, but I wasn't really part of them. In my choo-choo train revelation, I realized I felt like that with just about every group there. Mike was right, I should've scrounged up a date. (Mike is on his honeymoon in St. Maartin's and will hopefully never know that I said he was right about something! :) ) Even more than that, I knew I didn't want to be at the reception feeling alone any longer. I wanted to say goodbye to Mike, but I didn't want to hear him say I told you so or worry about me. (I also wanted to say goodbye to Rick, who was sweet and talked to me alot of Friday and Saturday, but it would've meant risking being begged to stay - so if anyone talks to Rick, not that any of you know him, please tell him I enjoyed meeting him and wish we could've talked longer.) So, I looked around, gathered up my things and snuck out.

The drive home was a bit overwhelming. When I feel like that, I usually realize I'm VERY tired and it's not real emotions, just manifested ones. Either that or blocking out the feeling of loneliness in life takes far more energy than I have when I am tired. In any case, I was awash in the feelings of being alone and the realization that most of the people I knew (or were involved with, like Neil) are not. It's a very strange feeling. Add to that being in a Bed and Breakfast with your mom, no t.v./computer/cell phone and alone doesn't even being to describe how I felt. Luckily, I WAS extremely tired and was asleep before the timer turned the candles in our room windows out.

I was better on Sunday. I went to the Lobster Feast about an hour and a half late. I sat on the deck, surrounded by Kristina's ADP sisters, not caring if I was alone. (Well, maybe just for a minute when I wanted to kayak, but never having been on a kayak before figured someone ought to go with me.) I was in the sunshine, on a river, with a gorgeous view. Kristina came down and talked a bit with all of us. (I should mention here that Kristina also made sure I was IN the choo-choo train at the reception. She wanted me included and kept an eye out for me a bit at HER wedding. Again, she is just wonderful.) I chatted a bit with everyone, as they were leaving, then got some one-on-one time with Mike. Mom came to meet everyone (Kristina, Mikes Parents), then we left. The weekend was finally over.

As I awoke from my Neil dream this morning (won't these things ever go away?!?!?), a feeling of melancholy overcame me. I had weekend regrets. I was upset I didn't get to really know the people at the wedding I was excited about meeting (Mike's friends Amanda, Dom, Rick, Damon) because I'd heard so many good things about them from Mike; and upset there is no "someone" to kayak with.

I hope you guys all had a good weekends, whatever you did. :) I am finally home from Maine and might be passing for sane any day now. Talk to ya'll soon! :)

"Clairee Belcher: You know, you would be a much more contented, pleasant person if you would find ways to occupy your time.
Ouiser Boudreaux: I'm pleasant. Damn it! I saw Drum Eatenton at the Piggly Wiggly this morning, and I smiled at the son of a bitch 'fore I could help myself." - Steel Magnolias

I know alot of you may think I would take this opportunity to write about our "lovely" (sarc) GAY govenor, James MCGreevy, but instead, I come to you on the brink of another passing year. While many people this close to 30 would be depressed, I'm tremendously excited. For me, 30 holds wonderful possibilities. A weird optimism hovers over me whenever anyone mentions that I'm almost 30.

In talking to Trish this afternoon (Happy Birthday, Murph!), she said, "Ya know Jenn, I'm just not all that excited about turning 29. It's kind of 'eh'." I know how she feels. I remember how I felt when I turned 20. While it was a wonderful birthday, filled with presents and GIANT cards from my "new" boyfriend, Ryan, it was also an "eh" birthday. No longer a teenager, but not yet old enough to "vote" (which my mom used to tell me is why she looked forward to 21! :) Had nothing to do with she and her best friend, Lois visiting lounges, I'm sure! ;) ) it was sort of a hurry up and move on type of birthday.

It's also a time to reflect. I do this on birthdays, as well as New Year's Eve. A famous philosopher, George Santayana, once said, "Those you do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.", so I try to heed his words and learn from my history - what made me happy, sad, how things worked out and how I can mold my life to not repeat those things I would like to avoid and repeat with regularity those things I'd love to experience again and again. My twenties held some great loves, some crises of faith and some heavy career and life decisions. It also held great, lasting friendships and deepened love of family (and those like family). This may seem a very obvious thing to say, but the decade of the my 20's also held some great awakenings. Perhaps there is some direction after all in this little head (and heart) of mine.

The thing I most look forward to my 30's for, is the comfortability in my own skin I seem to feel more and more. I recently read an interview with Halle Berry in which she mentions a talk she had with Oprah about 40 bringing a "at home in your skin" feeling. I'm not sure whether it's circumstance or an increased maturity ;), but the ability to do things for yourself, say "no" to others and live as you wish to live - being true to who you are and what you want from life, regardless of what others think has crept into the last year of my life. I know I have said this before, but here it is again - there are moments, driving in my car, top down, great pair of jeans and a tank top, hair in a ponytail where I feel completely me. Like someone, somewhere should take a snapshot and it would completely scream "JENN!" all over it. The feeling of being home, comfortable, completely where you should be - as though you and your niche in time merged together and clicked. For the last few or more months, I have had the Steel Magnolia's quote from above in my head. It is exactly how I feel. I smile despite myself. The urge to fling my windows open and sing to bluebirds, hug everyone I see (in the pouring down rain) and dance around singing "I Feel Pretty". :) And lots and lots of dreams of being in love. And I am, I think...with me.

So, here on the verge of 29 (2 hours, but really it was 12:56pm on the 13th. I never was a morning person! :) ), I have no "oh my goodness, I'm almost 30" panic attacks. And even though numerous people have commented on me being this close to 30 and single, maybe how I need to get started looking for a husband or settling down, I am happy just the way I am. There's no raining on my parade! Plus...starting 2 hours from now...I have a whole 'nother year to live in my 20's! :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!!!!!!!

(And, as a side note, resignations should not be given 3 months in advance. Get him out of office!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

"There once was a story about a man that could turn invisible. I thought it was only a story until it happened to me." - The Invisible Man (2000)

Ever feel like that? I have references who could tell you, I'm not lying when I say it is me. Any vehicle I am in, people cut it off, turn almost right into it, etc. Just like it wasn't there. I am also constantly run into in grocery stores (I don't mention Wal-Mart, because EVERYONE is knocked over in Wal-Mart.), mall...and in bars, I find an empty space, and people seem to gravitate to stand virtually on top of me...even if there's empty space everywhere else in the building. The running non-joke in our house is that I am the Invisible Woman.

Lately, though I feel like it extends a little past the things listed above. I'm sure it's been a theme in every sitcom known to man. A child or sister (I could swear it was a "poor me, I'm Jan, the middle child" episode of The Brady Bunch) runs away from home because they are always ignored. (Didn't she hitchhike with a trucker who took her home?) More and more, that's how I am feeling. Especially the last few days.

Bill, the athletic trainer I did my college internship with called to tell me he got an assistant position at his high school. I had been in contact with him about returning to athletic training and working with him again would be wonderful. Every year he asks if I would come back if he got a position and I tell him yes. Every year it doesn't pass the budget and we move on. However, this time my old high school DID get an assistant position (which I applied for and didn't get, no reason why from my old a.t., but I digress), so Bill finally got his position. They posted it today. I know I'll have a pretty good shot at it, if I apply. Suddenly, I'm having second thoughts. I have no idea why. I can't really put my finger on it. I did my Pros/Cons list comparing it to staying at Lanier and there are so many positives to taking the position - more money, closer to home (less car miles - a big stress for me lately), near athletics, keep in shape, sunshine (on occasion)...and yet I can't figure out what's nagging at me. Is it because I didn't get the job at my old high school? Am I having crisis of faith? Is it because I've been "out of the game" for awhile (I don't think that's it...but I ponder it, before dismissing it every time)? I can't figure it out. And I'm in a time crunch. Bill is on vacation this week, so I do have a few days to mull it over, but he's expecting me to apply, so if I don't I'd like to tell him why when he returns next week. If I am going to apply, I have to do it this week. Suddenly, I feel so heavy and bogged down.

How do we relieve the bogged down feelings when it comes to decisions? We share with loved ones, accumulate input, hope for a revelation and pray to God we made the right decision. I have tried. However, I open my mouth to my family and get constantly interrupted (when I can get a word in edgewise to talk at all). I know they don't really mean to, but Dad interrupts with his work issues, Jill with he "where am I going to live" stuff, and mom with whatever random thought she's trying not to forget. A five minute discussion turns into more trouble than it's worth. When you lose the flow and weightiness, it suddenly is better kept to yourself. Lately, they're all I really have. Issues like this, I really need face-to-face. It's so hard to do through emailing someone how difficult a decision this is and for them to read your emotions, expressions, etc. or a phone call where there are 15 million other things to distract them.

Maybe that's really it. Too many distractions. I know I can't expect my family to cater and revolve around me, me, me, but for such a tough decision, I'd really appreciate some isolated time. Not the, can we talk going to Wal-Mart? time. Of course, as I said before...any time in a car someone near misses us and the driver starts talking about that and my conversation gets thrown to the back. I do understand no one can make this decision for me, but maybe some decifering of what I'm feeling would help me feel good about whichever decision I make. Too many times lately I've started something, or said something and a whole other conversation gets started...like I wasn't even speaking. Invisible, yet again.

I've become to "adult" to run away from home. I know you can't run away from your problems (because apparently invisibility IS me, not just here). I also know I am too poor to survive on my own! :) Yet the constant weight of everything I am bottling up day after day (from heavy duty life decisions, to hey, guess who I got an email from today? - which at dinner ended up as a 5 minute "When Harry Met Sally" quote-a-thon from Jill, so I just stopped telling the story. Not important I guess), is getting to be overwhelming. Not having people to talk to about life (not just about what their copier does) or do things with - any type of close face-to-face, physical sort of relationship, well I don't know how people - invisible or not - go through life this way.

I remember a study someone did with monkeys and a mother-type figure. One monkey had food and water; the other one had food, water and a sock-type thing which replicated companionship. the second monkey thrived in his environment, while the first withered away. I know it's been awhile since I've taken psychology, so the sock thing and the someone thing I'm not too clear on, but I remember the rest. I remember thinking how vivid a statement it made about the need for human physical contact and interaction. That poor first monkey.

So, I'm down to 3 days left (in a slammed work schedule) to figure out what to do. I guess I'll keep tumbling it around in my head until something makes sense. Until I can figure out what makes the most sense for me and why. If I can't ever figure it out, I may just go with my gut and I'm afraid...so afraid that may be the wrong decision, made for who knows what reason. And why on earth would I want to stay where I am? Why can't I leave here? Even when I have the chance? And is it that I don't want to leave, or I'm just afraid of change? These are the questions, among others, for which I just can't seem to find an answer. Maybe, in my life, there are many questions for which I am seeking an answer and may search infinately without resolution. For this, however, there will be an answer within 4 days. I will let you know what I finally decide.

"Observation is a more powerful force than you could possibly reckon. The invisible, the overlooked, and the unobserved are the most in danger of reaching the end of the spectrum. They lose the last of their light. From there, anything can happen." - Joan of Arcadia

Hey Guys!

Hard to believe it’s been so long since I’ve written in here. I’m sure I’ve had things to say, just been really tired lately.

As some of you know I’ve been in Atlanta for training this week. It’s always amazing to me how you can get to know some people so well you miss them when you leave, in just a short period of time. Our class was fantastic. Well, the people were fantastic. It’s nice to know there are so many wonderful people doing my exact job all over the United States! While it’s hard to pick just one great thing this trip, I’ve got to believe the nicest thing I’ve seen in a long time was the fact the CRR from our Hawaii office brought us all a different Hawaiian snack for each day we were there!

One thing that’s been on my mind since early this morning is the dynamics between men and women. I could probably spend blogs and blogs on the things I don’t understand about each gender (not only the “other” one ;) ), as well as the confusing dynamic between them. The reason this particular thought sprung to mind began on Monday night. Well, maybe Sunday night. I will get to the bulk of my philosophical style towards the end, but the story has to be told first, so here it goes….

Upon arriving in Atlanta airport, I met the CRR from the Silver Spring office (whom I’d known from working an install in her district earlier this year.) and a service supervisor from our Baltimore office she knew. The supervisor and I spent the airport-to-hotel trip chatting about work and he seemed very friendly. Monday night, our class ate together in the hotel dining room (paid for via Lanier) and ran into the service tech and his roommate. I wandered over and talked to them for a bit, inviting them to come to Wal-Mart with us. There were about 7 of us, who, long story short, ended up a grocery story and decided to buy some beer and sit out by the pool, playing games.

The game we’d elected to play was a board game called Battle of the Sexes. We had sexes, so we split up accordingly and played. We all agreed we had such a great time. We can’t agree that H.R. would agree with us, as some of the questions just turned silly and the inevitable sexual banter between men and women began (not by me, just to have you know! J ). I’m always curious why this happens. I often recall a scene in “When Harry Met Sally” about the inability of men and women to ever truly be friends. The night ended (the guys cheated us out of a win and proceeded to the let other group of women win, so needless to say my competitive self was not happy!) and we all went to bed, excited by the prospect of spending an entire week with each other.

The week progressed about the same every night. We’d get back from class, workout, eat, then convene by the pool for games (B.O.T.S., Texas Hold ‘em, Blackjack, B.O.T.S. rematch – which we lost on a “proceed to the end” wild card by the guys). Each night the dynamic became a little more gelled and the innuendo flew more freely. The gentleman from the airport shuttle was not shy in expressing his attraction to me, and I was open in expressing his wedding ring to him! J Not that, he would ever think of cheating. I was flattered and amazed at the fact he could express this, knowing it wouldn’t go any further. (AJ, please save all naïve and fatherly comments, I can hear them from you already! J ) The other people in attendance every night were mostly CRR’s. They were 4 females (me included) and two males (well, one of these other two males was a CSR, but…). One of the other males, a CRR, was also married with children.  I was flirty with both of them, in a way most of you are very familiar with seeing from me. Mostly, though I was just having a good time – laughing, joking (with all) with maybe a playful touch on the arm or so every now and then during conversation for the two gentlemen.

Yes, yes…it’s a pretty obvious story, with the plot laid out there, but a goofy little twist. Last night, the typical rhythm we had fallen into was a bit broken. We opted to (as a group) go across the street to Bahama Breeze for dinner. We ran into the service supervisor in the lobby and invited him along. We had a good time and most everyone was planning on convening around the pool after dinner. We also invited two of  salesmen we knew (he was from one of the CRR’s district and his roommate) to join us after they finished dinner. The male CRR who had been around us all week was prompted by our instructor to ask me to help him with physical therapy for a neck injury he incurred during a car accident last month. We made sure and took the proper precautions for a non-compromising treatment session. (3 or 4 other CRR’s were present, the one being the other male in our class.) After dinner out by the pool, were all tired and instead of one big group conversation, we were all having little individual conversations. The two other salesmen joined us and it was a milder version of the nights before.

I’m not really sure what happened to get us to the next part. Not for any partaking of alcohol on my part, but more because I guess the events were so insignificant, it’s hard to recall them. Anyway, I do remember the presence of the male CRR’s arm around the back of my chair (he was sitting next to me) and his fingertips barely brushing the top of my shoulder. (Can you guys picture this? It was much more innocent than it may have come off, but if it had been a girl sitting next to me stretching her arm out, the positioning wouldn’t have been different.) The service guy started saying (fairly loudly) that he was jealous. In a somewhat playful manner, but still you could hear the little bit of truth in his voice. I have to admit I felt a bit more comfortable in the presence of the CRR (I don’t know if men can relate, but girls, you know the feeling you get when you know someone likes you and even though the arrangement has been made nothing will happen, you still feel as thought they might try something? Yeah, it was like that.) than in the service guy’s. so, I decided better to call it a night. Most everyone had gone up, the two other women still downstairs decided they should go to. So, we all (guys included) piled in the elevator and went to bed.

A short time later, there was a knock on my door. (Isn’t there always? I mean, when there’s sexual conversation in a story, and alcohol, isn’t there always a late night knock on the door? ) I answered it to find, the male CRR standing (drunk) in front of my door. (See? Twist.) I’m not going to finish the back and forth that took place between he and I (it’s irrelevant), but I will say I finally convinced him to leave my doorway and go back to bed. Where he proceeded to call our room and I proceeded to hang up on him and leave our phone off the hook.

As I lay my head back on my pillow I couldn’t help but wonder if I had in some way brought on this situation. I felt the need to blog about it (not until right now, on the airplane, of course) because as I was walking away from the door I kept thinking “I’ve been in this situation before. How do I get myself into these things?” If anyone would know, it would be the ones of you who read this (Karen, Amy, Trish…) and have seen this happen to me, hoping one day I’d ask, so you can tell me what it is I do to draw these situations.

I do know I am a flirt. Although, I don’t know that I’d place myself in the sleazy, falling all over people, desperate for attention kind of flirt. I think I flirt with both men and women because I truly enjoy and love people. (Nope, not in that way. No love in that way, but you guys know what I mean.) I enjoy life, their lives, the specialness that makes them who they are and I like to drink it all in. I’ve been told I always try to engage people into groups, bring the ones sitting around like an outcast in. No one should ever feel left out. I feel so blessed by a lot of the people this has brought into my life. The email about everyone having an impact is true. I remember and often think about lots of the people I’ve come across in my life. (And thank God for those of you crazy enough to stick around with me! J ) It’s not all selfless. I enjoy what each of these people has done for me. Perhaps that’s the problem. Maybe somewhere in the flirting and light arm touching, my quest to connect with another  person sends off the wrong signals.

Is there a line between light flirting (for lack of a better thought process on me right now to name this) and “come-and-get-me” smoke signals?

Hey Everybody! Just got back from my first round of fireworks tonight inmy mom's old hometown. I love fireworks. Matter of fact, there's not much about the 4th of July that I don't love. Parades, fireworks, people...community. (I'll get to all that later.)

This Fourth of July I was struck by a new sensation. Sadness. As I was watching the fireworks, I was humming along the Star Spangled Banner. The line sticking in my head was the "Buncha Bombs in the air". (Um sorry, Leslie Nielson gets me every time...Bombs bursting in air.) Right now, there are 20 year olds living with fireworks, or the threat of fireworks, every night. People over in foreign countries fighting, with the threat of bombs taking their lives every night. Yet here we sit, watching them explode above us for fun. Ooooo....Ahhhhhh. I also reflect often on people like my father. Veterans of wars for whom fireworks aren't fun. For whom the reinstitute nightmares of nights when, instead of oooo-ing and ahhhh-ing, they were running and praying for their lives. And I'm sad I lived to see a new generation of people who might also fit into this category.
Of the state of America on the whole.

Tonight, though, I'm reminded of exactly the things about Independance Day I love. A chance for us to celebrate the freedoms and liberties we are afforded by people we never met. A chance to watch fireworks and remember those veterans who served so I wouldn't have to; those who fought and represented the pride in America. The bonding of communities as they gather together to parade and celebrate - to show their pride for our country. Most of all, 4th of July gives us the chance to appreciate what we have and hope that one day - of their own choosing, other countries, other nationalities get a chance to celebrate it themselves.

Have a Happy Independance Day Weekend!!!!

Never being one to turn down an easy dare....here's the response to my last post from my friend AJ:

But sheesh....what about these blasts from the 70's????

I challenge ye to post them...and let those young whippersnappers research what music was REALLY like!



Not in any order:

John Cougar's intro to "I Need a Lover"
Robert Palmer's into to "Bad Case of Loving You"
Sniff n' the Tears "Driver Seat"
Blackfoot's "Train Train" (the guitar after the harmonica intro)
The drums on Seger's "Hollywood Nights"
Intro to Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell"
The sax on Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street"
Intro to Clapton's "Lay Down Sally"
Intro to King Harvest's "Dancing in the Moonlight"
Guitar and whistle ending on Steve Miller's "Jungle Love"
Flute beginning on Marshall Tucker Band's "Heard it in a Love Song"
Intro to Stevie Wonder's tribute to the Big Band era.. "Sir Duke"
Eagles' intro to "Hotel California"
Piano solo intro to Al Stewart's "Year of the Cat" (better appreciated on the album version)'
Frampton's mouth magic on the live "Do You Feel Like We Do"
Gary Wright's intro to "Dream Weaver"
Foghat's into to "Slow Ride"
The one band that made disco somewhat tolerable... the intro to KC & The Sunshine Band's "Get Down Tonight"
Intro to Chicago's "Old Days"
Into to Doobie Brothers' "Black Water"
Opening riff to Elton John's "The Bitch is Back"
Clapping intro to Grand Funk Railroad's "The Loco-Motion"
Really love those peaches on Steve Miller's "The Joker"
Reverb on Edgar Winter's "Frankenstein"
Intro to The Raspberries "Go All The Way"
Intro to Neil Young's "Heart of Gold"
Intro to Dave Mason's "We Just Disagree"
Opening to Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"
Opening and closing to Rod Stewart's "Maggie May"
Intro to the Doors' "Riders on the Storm"
Guitar intro to George Harrison's "My Sweet Lord"
Ending on Grand Funk Railroad's "Closer to Home"... seagulls, etc.

Check this out! I was listening to a review of it today on a morning show in Philly. I only got through reviewing from 50-23 (and 1-5), so I'm not sure if some of my favorite moments are on here. (For those interested, most of Marlton thinks I'm nuts because I put #23 on my Summer Cd for our Cd exchange and I've been driving around town singing it at the top of my lungs! You just can't sit still when you hear it!) Another of my favorites I didn't see is the opening guitar part in Jukebox Hero. See if your favorites made it! :)

http://www.retrocrush.com/archive2004/coolsongs/index.html

Few Random thoughts from me.....

How do narcoleptics hold down a job? As I think I mentioned before I have the icks. (Although according to my doctor's PA, I have a virus.) I was told to sleep alot. I have been. Not because I am a good patient, but because after so long I just slip into a deep sleep for two hours or so. How do you work if you keep falling asleep? Narocleptics? How do you do it?

Is it wrong to read friends' of friend's blogs? Is that like reading other people's mail or stalking or something?

Has anyone read the blog from Rance? The one supposedly written from a Hollywood "A-list" actor? Why the controversy? Who cares who it is? Let them write, in peace.They're not dishing dirt on others, so let them vent without it turning into a "who are you?" game.

Save A Horse, Ride A Cowboy (new song by Big & Rich. Makes me laugh)

Cheesey t.v. rules! I'm glad to see T.V. execs have finally figured out what I've been saying for years. Use the summer to introduce new t.v. shows. People will watch because everything else is in reruns and then you can move it if you want to primetime mainstream t.v. It worked wonders for The O.C. So, check out the new show Summerland. I enjoyed it. Especially the ex-boyfriend (Johnny) and the Australian surfer. It also stars Francie from Alias and Rebecca from Full House as the 30 something woman who raises her sister's kids after her sister is killed in a car crash. Her friends (and ex boyfriend) help her creating a "it takes a village" idea. But cheesy and fun.

Translations. I love how people not native to the English language sometimes screw up phrases and words we use often. Tuesday my GI doctor asked how my "top down" was. I think it's cute. It's definately easier to say than convertible, so I may change it to be "top down". Check it out..."I have a 325 BMW top down". :)

Celebrity Poker Showdown is back! Yeah! Shuffle up and Deal! :)

WHERE IS EVERYONE? I've lost all my friends! I know NOTHING about ANYTHING going on with them. It's unfair. You know all my random thoughts and I know none of yours.

College World Series. I went to the wrong college. I need to be back in college. These guys are SO much cuter than our basbeall players were. I never got to be a groupie at anything! :) I've been pulling for Cal State Fullerton, b/c I always seem to be watching them play. However, should they get eliminated tonight by S.C. I'll have to pull for Texas, Hook 'Em Horns! :)

I'm off to the grocery store. Hope ya'll're doin' well.

"She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all"

Hey Everyone! I figured I'd start off with the quote that kept coming to mind Thursday night as I tried (not real hard, mind you, I was exhausted) to fall asleep.But first, AJ WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!?!? O.K. now that's out of the way, I'll finish.

I returned tonight after leaving Tuesday to head to the National Athletic Trainer's Convention in Baltimore. It was Salisbury's 30th Anniversary and I knew our alumni would be out in full force, including a certain someone for whom I hold a very soft spot in my heart...I'm pretty sure it's the spot he broke 8 years ago.

It's been a very strange couple of weeks for me. I guess I should set the stage before I go any further. Jill moved home Memorial Day weekend. About the same time in May she started planning her move back to the suburbs, she received a call about coming into NYC to interview for a job as an assistant fundraiser for the Academy of Dramatic Arts. She went on a few interviews, the final one -the 2nd Wednesday after moving home- being with the President and including a job offer. A few days later, she accepted the position. The date, Friday June 11th.

It was a very tough day for me. I think a big part of that was hormone imbalance, but there were plenty of other factors I could blame. I was so torn. I was happy for Jill. Her job now sucks. It's got great potential - like every man I ever dated - but is not worth the headache to try and get it to achieve maximum success. She has always wanted to live in New York City and now that dream may just come true (she hasn't gotten to living arrangements yet). Yet despite all my happiness deep down for her, all I felt was jealousy and "woe is me". I have been looking for 2 years for a job in higher education fundraising to no avail. My body is tearing itself up from the state of underlying stress I feel at being 28 with no job plan, a job I don't like all that much and living at home and yet, within weeks Jill is plucked from that into some of what I've been trying so hard to get in my life. When is it my turn? When do I get plucked into a better life? Or do I? (We've been through this in many blogs, so I'll spare you the repeat questions.) The other part was that it was Neil's birthday. First time in the 7 years since I've met him I wouldn't even be able to wish it to him.....

...but I did. Around 3pm that day I sent a one line email to his work account "Happy 37th Birthday". The next day, it came back "Mail undelieverable...over quota". Huh? It struck me as odd. I had talked to Mike (my old roommate) just before Memorial Day and although he had mentioned Neil was applying for various coaching jobs had neglected to mention he'd gotten any. I did see on the NCAA website UNC Greensboro was advertising for Neil's "current" job, but I had blown it off as the official search they had never done before hiring him temporarily. I emailed Mike to see if he knew what had happened. Could it be a birthday trip? Did we even have quotas at UNCG? Maybe a wedding? I'm just too darn curious at this point to not know an answer. (At the time of this blog posting, there is still no answer. Mike hasn't heard from him.)

I hope you all believe me when I say the moment I read (months and months ago) Neil say he would "probably get married. I haven't bought a ring yet, but it's the next logical step", I had the epiphany everyone was waiting for my to have. What the heck had I been thinking?!?!?! I wanted the "I can't ever be without you by my side!" not the "well, I guess I should."! However, in my down moments I always wonder why he/she/they get the house/jobs/companionship and I'm in high-school-flashback/adult loneliness lifestyle hell. I don't care if it's not, life SHOULD be fair.

Not to mention that Tuesday after work I'd be heading to our National Trainer's Convention and have to explain 6 billion times that I am not working as a trainer - so people can look at me as if I'd just told them I'd lost my whole family in a terrible accident. "Oh." they say. Then we get into the Married yet? Kids? conversation. By the end of the day, you're trying to keep away from VERY sharp objects! :) I keep trying to figure out why I go to these, when there aren't really many people I want to see, but it's all about keeping my certification. I may be one of the limited few who actually attends just for the classes and education! Needless to say, the weeks were not going well.

I arrive at convention Tuesday night to find I had to pay $17/day to park my car at our hotel and that our hotel room wasn't ready. The upside was, I met 3 very nice people who would be living with me for the next couple of days...and I got to see Becky (fellow trainer from Salisbury I was rooming with - they were her 3 friends). Tuesday night was fairly low key and Wednesday I went out with a brave wall, determined not to let anyone get to me about my current life situation. Whenever I would talk to people about my life, I'd picture me driving down the highway in my car with the top down. ;) Becky had another friend come in Wednesday to stay with us. His name was John.

Before you people get into your heads where this is going...it's not. :) I really liked him. Something in me was drawn to him. Not in an "I'm attracted to him way", but in a weird urgent need to learn everything I could about him, as well as a protective "hug 'em to death" sort of way.(BTW, the hug 'em to death feeling came up with John, with our keynote speaker, with my ex-boyfriend - which in case you forgot 'cuz I haven't written in a long time and am rambling on and on is where this is headed...to end with the ex.) Sort of like the panicked way you're drawn to books to cram for an exam you waited until the last minute to study for. (Becky, if you're reading this...does that make sense? It was all very new to me. -Cuz I never waited until the last minute to study! ;) haha)Late Wednesday it occurred to me he reminded me of Mike (above mentioned old roommate), so maybe that explained everything. I was rationally trying to sort it out in my head Thursday morning while I was taking a shower. We seemed to have stuff in common - which maybe I knew somehow from things Becky had told me about him. I also seemed to get embarassed whenever he said something I agreed with (or had in common). I find I do this alot now with guys. Like when I say "yeah, me too" it's only because I like them or want them to like me, not because I really do or am "me too" - when in actuality I'm being honest and agreeing with them because it's what I am/feel/think, etc. Make sense? In some ways it was like I already knew him (even though I knew nothing about him, really) and in others...well, let's just say I could've done this all day in the shower trying to figure out what the h*ll I was experiencing. In the end, I decided I really need to spend more time around guys - maybe that's all it was - I used to have alot of guy friends, now I have none and my "Y" chromosomes are starving to death for some interaction. Moving on...

Thursday I ran into Ryan (my ex-boyfriend from Salisbury) in the hallway going from our room to the elevator. This was the second time I saw him. Once, for just a second or two on Wednesday and now. We started talking, he was staying one room down from us with two guy frineds from LSU. Not his fiancee, who was also a trainer at LSU. So, I said "not Jessica?" Nope, he said. It's over. (Insert Hug him to death feeling here.) I was so sorry to hear that.

After Becky and I saw Ryan on Wednesday, I told her I was glad we hadn't stayed together. Couldn't have ever told me for the year after he broke up with me those words would come out of my mouth, but I was. I've changed since then. I don't know if it's for the better or the worse, but I have. There are so many things I am glad I got to experience that would have never happened if Ryan and I had followed the plan - got married after graduation, me working at a....you know what, I can't even remember the plan, but it would've been living in Pitman, near his family, having kids who would be about 5 and 3 and sometime in the near future I would snap and realize I was sacrificing and he wasn't and I wanted to LIVE! :) It would've happened eventually, I'm just glad I got to realize it without anyone in the fantasy situation getting hurt. I got to go to Germany, acquire 2 NCAA tournament rings, meet Neil, make lots of good friends I have kept and whom I've leaned on more than my independant self would like to admit...so many things would've disappeared if I'd gotten my way in March of 1996.

We talked a little more than parted ways. His parents were coming to Baltimore to get him, so he could visit with them for a week or so before returning to LSU. I got to chat with them at our anniversary party Thursday night. It was good to see them. They were not in-laws. As we were leaving Ryan made a comment to Becky (not a secret one, but in response to something she said), and Becky said "Jenn, you're in trouble." (It was obvious he still found me attractive. So flattering.) I could honestly say I wasn't. That ship had sailed and the port wasn't something I cared to return to...I knew what it held, had seen all the sights, wanted more. We ran into each other again Friday before I left. We are going to try and get together this week for lunch. I'd love to see him and catch up, talk without an audience, maybe even stay in touch...as friends.

It's strange how things swirl around. How life ebbs and flows. Things come and go, both new and old, making you appreciate the things that have left, just as much as you appreciate the new things coming in. For the first time in a very long time I appreciate the things that are gone from my life, and look forward to the things coming in. To the fact that my life IS ebbing and flowing, instead of remaining stagnant. That there is a tremendous possibility in the new things that might flow in. Things I never could have imagined or planned or wished for in March of 1996 or even in January of 2002.

In a conversation Becky, John and I had on Thursday before he left, we were talking about his ex-girlfriend. They broke up because he was moving to Colorado. She was staying in Philadelphia. Neither wanted to be where the other was, and so it was over. I think he was upset. He seemed to really like her. "I've given up alot in relationships in my life. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not giving up my dreams for something we're not even sure if it would work out," said John. So, I asked him what his dream was...he had no clear answer. Everything he mentioned had to do with skiing, mountains, etc., but nothing clear cut, nothing defined -like "I want to work for the Broncos" - but a lifestyle dream...with options.

It made perfect sense to me. I have two lifestyle dreams. No real definite anything, just ideas. Places where my soul (does that sound really new age-y?) just clicks into place. Right now, they're just dreams in my head. Everyonce in awhile I pass a place and my soul screams THERE! GO THERE! BE THERE! THIS IS IT! Or I'll meet someone that ignites a "cuddling" urge with in me and I'll hear the screaming again. (Yes, yes, it's complicated. It's not the person I want, but the idea they envoke or not the exact location, but the image of it.)Lately, I've moved from living at the beach (which somehow is always an image in which I live there alone) to a house with a front porch, rocking chairs, lots of land and open space, couple of horses, maybe a pig of two, some dogs, I guess a job of some sort (I don't want to run a farm). this one always includes a cowboy to cuddle with at night. (Dont't ask me where the cuddling urge came from, I have no idea. Hate it. Too hot. I need my flailing space! :) ) And I hope everyone I meet achieves it. Gives me hope. If you ever hear, "I am John. I will be your ski instructor today.", smile...and be rich and female, with a house on the slopes! :)

In looking at my life, evaluating and rehashing over the last 3 years I have also come to realize that perhaps some old things should be given a chance to flow back in. Perhaps the separation allowed you to realize how much you missed the part of you it brought out, the part of you it was. Maybe there's a part of me that wants to be that again. I realize now there are so many things I could've tried to make it work, to try and find my nitch within it and maybe it's what I'm missing. Maybe it's the career path I've been fighting to hard, when it's been mine for so long. Just maybe.

The tides have ebbed and flowed. My heart is a bit softer now than it used to be. Lots of soft spots from broken relationships (romantic and otherwise) that were once hard walls. Lots of memories of what could've been, followed by what was because what could've been failed. Tons of wishes and "unanswered prayers" I am so glad never came true. All those soft spots will make it easier for the right things to enter.

So, it's time for bed now. As I approach my 29th birthday (yes, I know, a couple months still), I just spent an entire 3 days proving what I already knew - I am not 21 anymore. I also proved that which I haven't realized in years - I'm not 80 either! :)

"And as she walked away
I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord for the gifts in my life." - Garth Brooks

What do you do when you have nothing to say?

I know most of you will find it hard to believe that I could ever NOT have anything to say, but it has happened. I was thinking about this in the shower this morning. I've been trying to blog about something, but I decided I really have nothing to say.

I often read those articles in the paper written by local "young" people thinking they have something to say. Most of the "Life" (it's called Outlook in one paper here) section writers just put together articles that are the stupidest things. They're all so sitcom. Problems wrapped up in 25 words or less. Or, I was feeling down because I'm single and wayward, then I realized (3 words into the article) that I'm only 21 and life is wonderful. (ding! Insert cheesy Orbit commercial smile here.) Stupid, young people. I know I have often written about these things, but in retrospect of my articles not all of them end with a revelation. Some of them are very open ended - to be resovled at another time. I could write those articles. How do you get one of those gigs? Pay ME money and I could write you happy sunshine in a neat package.

Then it hit me...no, I couldn't. Maybe the reason the articles are so stupid and cheesy (to utilize an 80's term) is because they have to think about something to write EVERY day. I think if I had to write something here every day, I'd start being cheesy and stupid too. How do you write with feeling and ideas that are genuine and heartfelt when you have to write them every day? How can you keep readers entertained when you're writing about the speed at which grass grows?

Although...I've just written an entire paper-worthy article...about nothing. :) Maybe I could be a newspaper writer afterall.

Hi Everyone! Happy Memorial Day!!!

Well, once again things here are exciting. I'm in the midst of a career crisis. So....

I got a call last Friday from my boss, Denny. He wanted to let me know he had been contacted by a gentleman in our Washington Suburban who wanted to talk to me about a position in his office. Vince is a Global Account Manager for the Professional side of our company. His Global Account Representative has become the Districe Service Manager and he was given my name as a possible replacement. Denny gave me the information, let me know Vince would be calling me and wished me luck. I talked to Vince and we scheduled an interview in Silver Spring for Friday (this past). Vince called back and said his boss was going to be in my office on Thursday and could I meet with him? So, interviews Thursday AND Friday for the same position. I didn't really have a whole lot of time to think about it, given I was depriving myself of taste for two days, then anesthetized Monday. Tuesday, I received a phone call from a university where I applied for a fundraising position. We scheduled a phone interview for Friday afternoon.

When I went into the office on Thursday, after my meeting with Vince's boss, our Sales Manager asked to talk to me about the interview and the pending position. He used to work in the Washington area office and wanted to get my thoughts, give me some insight, etc. Then, I spent an hour and a half with Denny, going over some of the same things. I knew I had a list of things I needed to consider and issues which would become factors with taking the position. Of course, there is always the fail safe Pro/Con list...which I have always used more like Phoebe telling Rachel she wasn't pregnant...a guide to make a decision, then figure out how I really feel about it before finalizing my decision.

I met with Vince and had a nagging feeling in my stomach. Not a "I don't want to do this" feeling, but something either was not sitting right or I just couldn't put my finger on what I needed to straighten out. Here's the job scoop...I would be pretty much managing all of Vince's accounts from our office - working spread sheets, talking to customers, answering questions for them, placing orders, etc. The money would be "significantly more" (from what I can gather - since no one can tell me and Vince just said "over 40" is maybe 42 or so) and, according to Karen, would give me enough to live and pay bills. So, these are the thoughts running through my head....

* What is this feeling I can't put my finger on? There is some part of me that looks at the actual description of this job as a demotion. I have been doing alot of things since I first came to this company, most of which are either explicitly not my job description or very far stretches and twists of it. The best part is the getting in front of our customers. They know and trust me. Most of the time they contact me instead of their sales person. They know I will get whatever the need taken care of done. I enjoy seeing and meeting people and giving them a face to associate our product with. This would all change with the new job. From the best description I can get, it seems like a glorified secretary or clerical position. I feel more power and prestige in my current postion than this one seems to have. All of you who know me know I don't look for power or prestige, but control...yes I'm Type A, I like the control that comes with managing an account which has been turned over (essentially)to me. So, am I viewing this job as a demotion? A clipping of my wings? Being confined? Is this the thing I can't figure out?

* Is it wrong to turn down a promotion? A promotion is what most people work towards. We want to get ahead and be rewarded for our hard work. It seems 3 collegues of mine, all individually, submitted my name for this position. Is it a slap in their face if I turn it down? Also, does it reflect poorly on me if I turn down a promotion I was obviously interested in enough to interview? I was trying to weight the job on it's description, in addition to figuring out if the increase in cost of living was worth the change. It's one thing to have an increase cost of living and have to figure out if the salary difference would cover the raise in rent, utilities, etc.(say going from $800 rent, food, utilities to $1200 for a difference of $400 or so dollars). For me, I would be going from having to pay none of those things, to incurring those costs to a tune of at least $1200/month (so a $1200 increase for rent, utilities and food). Quite a difference! Also, if I turn down this promotion, will others begin to think they shouldn't offer me a similar position because I wouldn't take it?

* How can you tell if you could work with someone from a brief interview? Vince is a very different sort of person. I heard alot about him from the people I spoke with regarding this position (including his boss) before I actually met him. One of the things that sat a little off kilter with me (I don't want to say it annoyed me, because it wasn't quite that strong a feeling) is he constantly mentions his worth to the company and how much money in sales he has. It didn't annoy me, or make me think of him in an arrogant sort of way because he mentions it as factual, instead of in a braggadocious manner. He doesn't say it to show you how wonderful he is, but more to show you why he needs an "assistant" in a hurry. I was told Vince was quite "my way is the best way" and I'm not sure I can be a puppet doing someone else's work because they are to busy. I need a vested interest, even if it's just some ownership over the work that's getting done. I couldn't get a good grasp for that during the interview, which brings me to another thing....

I had contacted the woman who had the position previously to see if I could talk to her before my interview, or meet with her afterward to ask her some questions about the position. One of the things I like about this opportunity is that the woman who did it for 3 years will still be in the office to give me guidance. I finished my interview with Vince and he called Catina in, to answer any questions I may have of her. I had mentioned to him I was supposed to meet with her after he and I met, then he brought her in to his office to speak with me...while he was there. Adam, our Sales Manager, had told me Catina is very straightforward and honest and would give me truthful answers which would give me a good feel for the position that meeting with Vince or his boss might not. I was a little upset that my chance to get the truth was thwarted by it taking place in front of Vince. I was not sure how much Catina could be honest, or if I even felt comfortable asking the questions I wanted to, because how can you say "Is your boss a jerk? or Why did you quit?" in front of the boss himself? Since my interview was on a Friday before vacation, I left my work cell phone off all day. I checked it today just in case and found Catina had called me at 10:15, just after the interview and asked me to call her. I am curious as to what this was regarding.

Anyway, the "Pros" to this job would be feeling like a contributing member of society again. I know it's not all it's cracked up to be, but I can't help feeling as though I have flown through time and ended up back in 1993. Instead of feeling "almost 30" I feel 18. It also may mean a social life. My social life has drastically changed since moving back home. I know longer feel like my time is only mine, and I should take everyone else into consideration before planning things, like dinner, drinks, etc. And forget dating altogether. It's a bit embarassing to me to be 28 and having a date pick me up at my parent's house, where I live. Not to mention that spending time alone would have to be arranged around Dad's ice cream time and mom's cleaning, computering, etc. It would also be more money. I'm still not really sure this is a "Pro", since the difference in salary may end up just covering rent and I'll have to take from what I currently make to pay utilities, food, etc. It is a promotion. It would look great on my resume to show a promotion after 9 months of employment, plus it would lead me to other opportunities in our company I may like more. Some others are friends in the area, less miles on my car/less driving daily and developing new skills.

The "Cons" oddly enough look a bit like the "Pros". It would mean moving out of here. While I do have two very close friends in the Silver Spring area, here I have people to eat dinner with and interact with every day. There, it may be once or twice a month I see my friends to "unload" my day on. I pay no expenses here. It has been helpful in being able to save money. For the first time in my life, I have money in a savings account. The money factor from above would fall in the "con" category as well. I'd still be in copiers. ('nuff said!) I'm sure Friday I could have given you others in both categories, but I spent yesterday floating on a raft at Seacrets (a jamacian themed bar/restaraunt) in Ocean City Maryland. I imbibbed some Red Stripe and got a tad bit sunburnned and am now feeling tired..I think my brain cells are still on the raft "watering" ;), so I'll just move on! :)

Here's the other wrench in my poor brain - - - the university interview! I was perplexed and conflicted through most of Friday (not at all on Saturday - see "watering" above or today, because I'm tired). I had a 3pm interview with a woman from the university named Pat. I had just gotten to Ocean City and filled Karen in on all the thoughts and questions and feelings I had about my Thursday-Friday morning interviews with our Washington Suburban people, when my 3pm phone interview took place. I really enjoyed talking to her. It turns out Pat worked with my boss' boss from UNCG, Patty, at Florida State. Patty loved me, we worked well together and she was upset when I left. She told me to use her as a reference at any time. So I do. Pat and I talked about the current position, as well as her home city of Chattanooga and the fried green tomatoes place she just has to try when she goes back to visit her family. The current position would be raising money for the extended "non-traditional" campus. Since there are no models for this anywhere across the country, the position could be whatever the incoming person makes it and could take shape. There is tremendous support for this position from the Chancellor of the Extended Campus (who, did I mention knows my old roommate, Karen?), as it was his idea. I have to say I loved everything about the position and Pat seemed wonderful. I asked her about a timeline (seeing as the Washington office wants someone in there ASAP and is probably expecting me to have an answer on whether I would take the position on Tuesday). They are planning on narrowing it down to 3 candidates by next week. She has interviewed 6 and has 2 more to go. Those 3 would visit campus and they hope to have the person on campus late August/early September when classes begin. We didn't talk about salary. BTW, did I mention it's in Daytona?

I spoke my way through a plan with Karen after my 3pm interview ended. I am pretty sure I would pass on the Washington Area job, if I were one of the 3 candidates considered for the Daytona job. Denny told me two things in our hour and a half meeting I thought were very good advice - 1st, listen to my gut and 2nd don't let Washington rush me into a decision. I plan on calling Catina on Tuesday to see if I can get some more answers to my questions and take a day or two to ponder them. At that point, I should know whether I am making the final cut on the Daytona job and can make a decision from there.

What I haven't figured out is, if I don't make the final 3 on the Daytona job, would I take the Washington Area job? Should I ignore some hesitation on my part (and ignore Denny) and take the job? Or should I turn it down because of something I can't put my finger on and stay where I am, financially, socially, career-ly (yes, yes, it might not be a word, but if our "new Bill" can create "watering" and my friend Lisa can make up "obnoxion", then certainly I can advebtivefy "career")and physically. Lord knows I haven't made any good decisions in the last two years or so when it comes to managing my life, but I don't want to get so caught up in not getting any farther off-track that I become convinced any decision I make will be the wrong one. I am not sure I am thoroughly convinced I trust myself and my motives for leaning one way or the other. Am I doing it because I'm settled and scared of change and the unknown? Or maybe just to break free of the life I am living?

Speaking of the life I am living...everything went fine with the previously mentioned colonoscopy. I have a slight colitis (according to my GI guy, due to stress - I have to schedule a follow up appointment to discuss treatment methods)and a very black and blue hand, from the FIRST attempt at an IV. (And those little needle suckers HURT!!! The second attempt in the arm didn't even leave a needle mark!) I am still avoiding fruits, vegetables, chinese food (well, I keep trying different dishes determined to be able eat some, but so far no good. I tried Lo Mein tonight, we'll see how it goes), dairy, soda, alcohol and eating fast or in stressful conditions. For those of you with good memories, I know Red Stripe is alcohol, but if you have a REALLY good memory you'll remember I have NO WILLPOWER when it comes to food - and a very short memory when contemplating something I want that tastes good vs. why I don't generally eat/drink it! :) ) I believe some sort of IBS drug will be the next step of action in an attempt to let me eat fruits and veggies again! (It's so hard to lose weight just working out 4 days a week and eating carbs, little protein and desserts! ;) )I know - probably a whole paragraph of TMI, but it is the biggest cause of upset in my life lately.

I'll keep ya'll posted on the job front. Keep your fingers crossed that everything works out for the best (whatever that is)! Night! Happy Memorial Day! GBA (and our Veterans)!!!

Ever notice when you can't have something, is when you want it most?

It's 11am on Saturday morning and I'm having the most glorious thoughts about food. Especially the peanut butter pretzels I know are in the other room, just calling to me. Problem is, according to the little pre-procedure sheet my doctor gave me, I can have "all the clear liquids I like" for two days. Isn't it nice? They worded it like I should be overjoyed. Clear Liquids! As many as I like! Wow! Lucky me! So, I'm one hour into the day and NEVER going to make it.

I began the ravenous thoughts yesterday (when I WAS allowed to eat anything)in the grocery store as I was buying up every clear liquid I could find. I started a couple days ago buying two containers of Apple Juice and one package of lime Jello. I thought I was done. However, yesterday my body went into a panic about the fact that for 48 hours I could ingest NOTHING but those two containers of Apple Juice and one package of lime Jello. So, I rethought the notion, headed to the store and bought 4 packages of colorless popcicles, 12 cans of ginger ale, a granulated container of chicken Boullion, 10 package of non-red or purple Kool Aid and 2 large White Cranberry juices. I'm gonna Clear Liquid myself every 30 minutes for 48 hours! Anyone remember in Sex Education where they said (maybe it was only in OUR school) if you're out with your boyfriend and feel like sex, go out for a hamburger instead? And even though I had no idea what the first was like, I was pretty sure it was ALOT different than a hamburger. Just in the same way I'm sure that a colorless popcicle is ALOT different than a hamburger.

I've decided that when Katie Couric does this every year, better t.v. would be to watch her do the one to two day all-you-can-eat clear liquid diet, than to actually watch the beginning to end procedure live. I'd much rather see our sweet little Katie screaming at Craft Services for putting out food, (why should everyone else get to eat if she can't?) or yelling at the guy on the street because he breathed near her (yes, I'm a bit testy when I don't eat)than to watch her smile her way through the anesthesia and the colonscopy she has done every year to honor her husband's death from colon cancer. Wouldn't you much rather watch her struggle to stay away from the peanut butter pretzels (or frozen pizza, or fresh baked cookies, or Chex Mix) than to watch her struggle to look cute under anesthesia? How do models do this?!?!?!? (I guess I've answered the, why don't you diet question. No willpower when it comes ot food.)

Well, all this talk of food has made me hungry. I guess I'll head down to the kitchen and make myself some Jello.