"She wasn't quite the angel that I remembered in my dreams
And I could tell that time had changed me
In her eyes too it seemed
We tried to talk about the old days
There wasn't much we could recall
I guess the Lord knows what he's doin' after all"

Hey Everyone! I figured I'd start off with the quote that kept coming to mind Thursday night as I tried (not real hard, mind you, I was exhausted) to fall asleep.But first, AJ WHERE THE HECK ARE YOU?!?!?!? O.K. now that's out of the way, I'll finish.

I returned tonight after leaving Tuesday to head to the National Athletic Trainer's Convention in Baltimore. It was Salisbury's 30th Anniversary and I knew our alumni would be out in full force, including a certain someone for whom I hold a very soft spot in my heart...I'm pretty sure it's the spot he broke 8 years ago.

It's been a very strange couple of weeks for me. I guess I should set the stage before I go any further. Jill moved home Memorial Day weekend. About the same time in May she started planning her move back to the suburbs, she received a call about coming into NYC to interview for a job as an assistant fundraiser for the Academy of Dramatic Arts. She went on a few interviews, the final one -the 2nd Wednesday after moving home- being with the President and including a job offer. A few days later, she accepted the position. The date, Friday June 11th.

It was a very tough day for me. I think a big part of that was hormone imbalance, but there were plenty of other factors I could blame. I was so torn. I was happy for Jill. Her job now sucks. It's got great potential - like every man I ever dated - but is not worth the headache to try and get it to achieve maximum success. She has always wanted to live in New York City and now that dream may just come true (she hasn't gotten to living arrangements yet). Yet despite all my happiness deep down for her, all I felt was jealousy and "woe is me". I have been looking for 2 years for a job in higher education fundraising to no avail. My body is tearing itself up from the state of underlying stress I feel at being 28 with no job plan, a job I don't like all that much and living at home and yet, within weeks Jill is plucked from that into some of what I've been trying so hard to get in my life. When is it my turn? When do I get plucked into a better life? Or do I? (We've been through this in many blogs, so I'll spare you the repeat questions.) The other part was that it was Neil's birthday. First time in the 7 years since I've met him I wouldn't even be able to wish it to him.....

...but I did. Around 3pm that day I sent a one line email to his work account "Happy 37th Birthday". The next day, it came back "Mail undelieverable...over quota". Huh? It struck me as odd. I had talked to Mike (my old roommate) just before Memorial Day and although he had mentioned Neil was applying for various coaching jobs had neglected to mention he'd gotten any. I did see on the NCAA website UNC Greensboro was advertising for Neil's "current" job, but I had blown it off as the official search they had never done before hiring him temporarily. I emailed Mike to see if he knew what had happened. Could it be a birthday trip? Did we even have quotas at UNCG? Maybe a wedding? I'm just too darn curious at this point to not know an answer. (At the time of this blog posting, there is still no answer. Mike hasn't heard from him.)

I hope you all believe me when I say the moment I read (months and months ago) Neil say he would "probably get married. I haven't bought a ring yet, but it's the next logical step", I had the epiphany everyone was waiting for my to have. What the heck had I been thinking?!?!?! I wanted the "I can't ever be without you by my side!" not the "well, I guess I should."! However, in my down moments I always wonder why he/she/they get the house/jobs/companionship and I'm in high-school-flashback/adult loneliness lifestyle hell. I don't care if it's not, life SHOULD be fair.

Not to mention that Tuesday after work I'd be heading to our National Trainer's Convention and have to explain 6 billion times that I am not working as a trainer - so people can look at me as if I'd just told them I'd lost my whole family in a terrible accident. "Oh." they say. Then we get into the Married yet? Kids? conversation. By the end of the day, you're trying to keep away from VERY sharp objects! :) I keep trying to figure out why I go to these, when there aren't really many people I want to see, but it's all about keeping my certification. I may be one of the limited few who actually attends just for the classes and education! Needless to say, the weeks were not going well.

I arrive at convention Tuesday night to find I had to pay $17/day to park my car at our hotel and that our hotel room wasn't ready. The upside was, I met 3 very nice people who would be living with me for the next couple of days...and I got to see Becky (fellow trainer from Salisbury I was rooming with - they were her 3 friends). Tuesday night was fairly low key and Wednesday I went out with a brave wall, determined not to let anyone get to me about my current life situation. Whenever I would talk to people about my life, I'd picture me driving down the highway in my car with the top down. ;) Becky had another friend come in Wednesday to stay with us. His name was John.

Before you people get into your heads where this is going...it's not. :) I really liked him. Something in me was drawn to him. Not in an "I'm attracted to him way", but in a weird urgent need to learn everything I could about him, as well as a protective "hug 'em to death" sort of way.(BTW, the hug 'em to death feeling came up with John, with our keynote speaker, with my ex-boyfriend - which in case you forgot 'cuz I haven't written in a long time and am rambling on and on is where this is headed...to end with the ex.) Sort of like the panicked way you're drawn to books to cram for an exam you waited until the last minute to study for. (Becky, if you're reading this...does that make sense? It was all very new to me. -Cuz I never waited until the last minute to study! ;) haha)Late Wednesday it occurred to me he reminded me of Mike (above mentioned old roommate), so maybe that explained everything. I was rationally trying to sort it out in my head Thursday morning while I was taking a shower. We seemed to have stuff in common - which maybe I knew somehow from things Becky had told me about him. I also seemed to get embarassed whenever he said something I agreed with (or had in common). I find I do this alot now with guys. Like when I say "yeah, me too" it's only because I like them or want them to like me, not because I really do or am "me too" - when in actuality I'm being honest and agreeing with them because it's what I am/feel/think, etc. Make sense? In some ways it was like I already knew him (even though I knew nothing about him, really) and in others...well, let's just say I could've done this all day in the shower trying to figure out what the h*ll I was experiencing. In the end, I decided I really need to spend more time around guys - maybe that's all it was - I used to have alot of guy friends, now I have none and my "Y" chromosomes are starving to death for some interaction. Moving on...

Thursday I ran into Ryan (my ex-boyfriend from Salisbury) in the hallway going from our room to the elevator. This was the second time I saw him. Once, for just a second or two on Wednesday and now. We started talking, he was staying one room down from us with two guy frineds from LSU. Not his fiancee, who was also a trainer at LSU. So, I said "not Jessica?" Nope, he said. It's over. (Insert Hug him to death feeling here.) I was so sorry to hear that.

After Becky and I saw Ryan on Wednesday, I told her I was glad we hadn't stayed together. Couldn't have ever told me for the year after he broke up with me those words would come out of my mouth, but I was. I've changed since then. I don't know if it's for the better or the worse, but I have. There are so many things I am glad I got to experience that would have never happened if Ryan and I had followed the plan - got married after graduation, me working at a....you know what, I can't even remember the plan, but it would've been living in Pitman, near his family, having kids who would be about 5 and 3 and sometime in the near future I would snap and realize I was sacrificing and he wasn't and I wanted to LIVE! :) It would've happened eventually, I'm just glad I got to realize it without anyone in the fantasy situation getting hurt. I got to go to Germany, acquire 2 NCAA tournament rings, meet Neil, make lots of good friends I have kept and whom I've leaned on more than my independant self would like to admit...so many things would've disappeared if I'd gotten my way in March of 1996.

We talked a little more than parted ways. His parents were coming to Baltimore to get him, so he could visit with them for a week or so before returning to LSU. I got to chat with them at our anniversary party Thursday night. It was good to see them. They were not in-laws. As we were leaving Ryan made a comment to Becky (not a secret one, but in response to something she said), and Becky said "Jenn, you're in trouble." (It was obvious he still found me attractive. So flattering.) I could honestly say I wasn't. That ship had sailed and the port wasn't something I cared to return to...I knew what it held, had seen all the sights, wanted more. We ran into each other again Friday before I left. We are going to try and get together this week for lunch. I'd love to see him and catch up, talk without an audience, maybe even stay in touch...as friends.

It's strange how things swirl around. How life ebbs and flows. Things come and go, both new and old, making you appreciate the things that have left, just as much as you appreciate the new things coming in. For the first time in a very long time I appreciate the things that are gone from my life, and look forward to the things coming in. To the fact that my life IS ebbing and flowing, instead of remaining stagnant. That there is a tremendous possibility in the new things that might flow in. Things I never could have imagined or planned or wished for in March of 1996 or even in January of 2002.

In a conversation Becky, John and I had on Thursday before he left, we were talking about his ex-girlfriend. They broke up because he was moving to Colorado. She was staying in Philadelphia. Neither wanted to be where the other was, and so it was over. I think he was upset. He seemed to really like her. "I've given up alot in relationships in my life. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm not giving up my dreams for something we're not even sure if it would work out," said John. So, I asked him what his dream was...he had no clear answer. Everything he mentioned had to do with skiing, mountains, etc., but nothing clear cut, nothing defined -like "I want to work for the Broncos" - but a lifestyle dream...with options.

It made perfect sense to me. I have two lifestyle dreams. No real definite anything, just ideas. Places where my soul (does that sound really new age-y?) just clicks into place. Right now, they're just dreams in my head. Everyonce in awhile I pass a place and my soul screams THERE! GO THERE! BE THERE! THIS IS IT! Or I'll meet someone that ignites a "cuddling" urge with in me and I'll hear the screaming again. (Yes, yes, it's complicated. It's not the person I want, but the idea they envoke or not the exact location, but the image of it.)Lately, I've moved from living at the beach (which somehow is always an image in which I live there alone) to a house with a front porch, rocking chairs, lots of land and open space, couple of horses, maybe a pig of two, some dogs, I guess a job of some sort (I don't want to run a farm). this one always includes a cowboy to cuddle with at night. (Dont't ask me where the cuddling urge came from, I have no idea. Hate it. Too hot. I need my flailing space! :) ) And I hope everyone I meet achieves it. Gives me hope. If you ever hear, "I am John. I will be your ski instructor today.", smile...and be rich and female, with a house on the slopes! :)

In looking at my life, evaluating and rehashing over the last 3 years I have also come to realize that perhaps some old things should be given a chance to flow back in. Perhaps the separation allowed you to realize how much you missed the part of you it brought out, the part of you it was. Maybe there's a part of me that wants to be that again. I realize now there are so many things I could've tried to make it work, to try and find my nitch within it and maybe it's what I'm missing. Maybe it's the career path I've been fighting to hard, when it's been mine for so long. Just maybe.

The tides have ebbed and flowed. My heart is a bit softer now than it used to be. Lots of soft spots from broken relationships (romantic and otherwise) that were once hard walls. Lots of memories of what could've been, followed by what was because what could've been failed. Tons of wishes and "unanswered prayers" I am so glad never came true. All those soft spots will make it easier for the right things to enter.

So, it's time for bed now. As I approach my 29th birthday (yes, I know, a couple months still), I just spent an entire 3 days proving what I already knew - I am not 21 anymore. I also proved that which I haven't realized in years - I'm not 80 either! :)

"And as she walked away
I looked at my wife
And then and there I thanked the good Lord for the gifts in my life." - Garth Brooks