Hi all! I'm sitting here, bored to death at work and decided to write something. Only probelm is...I don't know what to write. So, as is my style in the blockless thought days, I figure I'll write by number and fill you all in on life and my feelings as to what's going on.

1. WORK - Work always sucks. In a new turn of events, the company I worked for published an ad for a full-time Administrative Assistant Sunday in the newspaper. The other girl I split this position with is leaving in November to have her second child and will not be returning. The ad in the paper upset me. Even though we all know I dislike my job and would love to find one I like more, I didn't necessarily want to be fired from this one. Ever since I started I've been saying this position should be a full-time one, but when I met with our partners at the end of July, I was under the impression I would be offered the job full-time if they chose to go that route. So, now, I just get to guess as to what's going on b/c no one is telling me anything. I talked briefly with our Office Manager and she said they just posted the job full-time to see what kind of resumes they would get. Michele (the woman who's leaving) is supposed to train this second person until she leaves Nov. 15th, so nothing will be done with my job until then. I guess there's some comfort in knowing i will have a job until then, but there's also the pressure of having to find a job before then and since I haven't had any luck so far, I don't know why it would change now. I am still looking and sending my resume out, but up until now I've been only applying for jobs Imight like. Now, I guess I need to apply for anything that'll pay bills. This adult life stuff sucks! (And I'm one of the lucky ones who's not completely submerged in it right now.)

2. FAMILY - They're doing o.k. September 11th is going to be hard on Dad, but hopefully he'll get through it with nothing more than a bad hangover. Sean was camping all weekend, so Jill's whole world ended for a short 4 day period of time. not to worry, he came back Sunday night and we haven't seen her since. I'm beginning to think she should offer to pay rent to his roommates for the inconvience of her always being around! Mom has a cold. This is news b/c mom never gets sick. She's troopering right along though, and hasn't missed a beat, even though she's missing some meals (lack of appetite). Hopefully, it'll blow over without any damage to me. (Jill's not around enough to catch it)

3. NEIL - I guess I can report the aching is gone. It's been replaced with a dull emptiness and dreams where I yell at him over and over for leaving me. I guess it's some sort of purging of emotion, but I could deal without the physicall side effects (such as intense heat, waking up shaking and adreneline like you wouldn't believe). I still miss him so much!! But after our last phone bout followed by him spending my b-day on vacation with Christy, I've had it. It's a one-way battle on my part that's never going to be won b/c the only one who cares is me. It's hard to believe you should be forced to live without someone you love so much, but I have to remind myself the choice was his. I felt this sort of calm when I realized that everything else after this will be settling for something less than what I wanted and couldn't have. And, since I'm not the type to settle, I guess I'll just find things in my life to fill the void. I've finally gotten up the energy to leave the house and go work out again. It gives me something to look forward to every day and I guess that's good. The hardest part, I think, is the realization that he will go on (probably to marry the witch) happy, and I probably will never recover. Or that he has gone on, without ever missing a beat, while I've missed entire songs. I guess it's time to move on in life and stop pining away for something i'll never have, but it's so hard to convey that notion to my heart and the empty place this whole oredeal has created AND to fill the space left by one of my best friends. Every day goes on, but I can't say the world is a happier place for me without him.

I guess that's about all that is on my mind. I've deserted baseball, so I'm just holding out for football to start. I think it's a sad day when the sport that has always embodied America has deserted it when they need it most. I think I agree that baseball will not recover to be the sport it once was and I hope those players know they have single handedly created the downfall of an entire sport. I know my love of it will not recover. On August 30th a few hundred of the world's greatest baseball players will all, simultaneously, turn in their graves.

I hope you are all doing well. Talk to ya soon.

Hi all! I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've written anything. Guess old age is taking it's toll! :)

Before I say anything else, I'd like to send a wish out to Hank that he's doing better. Hank, you're supposed to have heart attacks during WORK to take extra days off (pity days) and not on vacations! ;) I also wanted to thank everyone for their birthday wishes!

So, Amy wrote me today going through blog withdrawl and giving me some topics for suggestion, but I think I might branch out on my own. Talk about my family. Nce, dysfunctional, typical America I'm sure! :)

Mom and I got to talking (nice southern phrase, isn't it?) last night about my father. Dad has informed us that instead of going to New York for September 11th, he's going to his bar. I think this is selfish. I understood going to New York, but I can't understand the bar. Maybe I'm selfish, but I think it's a matter of consideration. He's going up there to "drown his sorrows" (my words, not his), to "be with people who went through it too" (even though they were less of near misses than he was), blah, blah, blah. What about us? What about those of us that love him and worries in those 2 hours we couldn't find him? When do we get to celebrate the fact that he's still here? That we didn't lose him? And, when does that begin to matter to him? Usually, it matters when he comes home drunk, after remincscing September 11th and tells us how much he loves us.

Now, leaving Dad for a moment, but tying in nicely, lets move to my sister. As most of you now, Jill has a new boyfriend, Sean. he lives in Manyunk, Pa, which is just a bit over the bridge past Philadelphia. Since the Monday before my birthday, we have seen Jill: on my birthday, but Sean was there, and maybe the day after my birthday once she got off work. Otherwise, maybe Monday and Wednesday of this week for a total of an hour each as she breezed in to eat, change clothes, and pack a bag to go to Sean's. I'm still not sure exactly why this bothers me, but I'm guessing for the same reason Dad bothers me. My mom has told Jill what she thinks of her staying over there, but instead of staying less, she stays more. But, she gets insulted when we don't include her in things or plan on her being around. I was kind of proud of mom last night (don't say anything) because she said Jill should move out. Jill's arguement is even though she's living at home (for free mind you), she is 24 and her own person who is living her own life and those who don't like it, tough.

So, what ever happened to consideration?

Are the days gone when consideration for others was important? When being considerate was "living life" and not a hinderance of it? When the "domino effect" (and I don't quite think that's the effect I'm looking for...maybe ripples in a pond) meant something?

Have we become such a self-centered society that we no longer believe the things we do impact others? Why, does it seem thoughts, such as "maybe if I drink then drive home and something happens, even if it's just a ticket and not loss of life, my whole family will be effected and I wouldn't want that to happen to them" or "maybe, since I live at home for free with parents who help support me, even if it's just buying my food and sometimes clothes and stuff, I should be a little more considerate of their wishes" are no longer present in our society? I think about his often when I read about the kid who shot 3 people at their H.S. because he was picked on. Or the family who were swingers and it ended up killing their daughter. Do the kids who pick on people at school not wonder what it would feel like to be that other person? Do those parents not realize the impact their lifestyle has on their children? Do we have to wait until something happens until we realize the impact of our lives on others?

It seems, I live alot of my life being considerate of others. I don't feel like I'm depriving myself of "living" or am not "being my own person" because of it. However, it begins to bug me when others aren't as considerateAnd, it seems to be happening more and more. For awhile I thought it was me. Maybe I'm just a little more edgy than I have been. Then I began to notice it more and more: People not calling when they're not gonna show up for a group meeting, people standing way too close in line at the grocery store, retail, etc., people in cars not waiting for someone to give them the right of way on a turn, just taking it b/c they feel entitled, or they're in a hurry, mothers (esp. here at lunchtime) who let their kids run wild, disrupting other peoples' lunches, so they can talk to their girlfriends, people who think the rules should be broken for them, because they have a child and need to sit down. It happens all over now, and I'm sure it's not just here. . It seems, that not being considerate has more advantages in life and gets you further than consideration. I'm just not sure how these people live with themselves knowing that how they conduct their lives is affecting hundreds of people around them. My guess? They're too caught up in "their lives" to care.

Hi Guys! I'm sorry if you were looking for a happy email, 'cuz this isn't gonna be it.

I was SO excited when I logged onto my email and saw an email from my friend Erin in California! I'm sure I told most of you, but she was diagnosed with Breast cancer after returning from a MLB park tour to honor her father (and mother) in raising money for cancer research (as they had both passed from Cancer). It was just a quick one, but since I'd started a Blog for our group of friends, she re-directed us there. The story she wrote was one of optimism on her part, but revealed find 3 new tumors, all malignant on different parts of her brain.

It leads me to wonder...once again, what is the reason behind this? I keep hearing "everything happens for a reason" but it seems that less and less the reasons make any sense, if they're there at all. I first met Erin after I graduated High School, though I had known her long before. As a junior (maybe sophomore?) in high school, we belonged to Prodigy and I stumbled across a board called Name That Tune. Now, being I LOVE doing those types of things, I clicked on the marker and forever found friends. My high school graduation present was a week in California with Erin. We seemed to get along right away and I had an amazing week as I met her mom and dad and stayed in their house in Campbell and she took me to out with her friends, to Disneyland, and on a tour of her favorite places to eat in California. (I must admit, Erin's got VERY good taste! :) ) A week or so later, we assembled in boston to meet the "rest" of the gang and everyone got their first taste of Erin! :) It was a wonderful, amazing experience. She is like a burst of sunshine and completely embraces life and lives it well. Erin (and maybe me in someway) is an eternal kid. She has had jobs, but each prospect seems like more fun than where she is (including a brief stint at Law school, try at Acting, nanny, internet guru) and she moves on. she has had some "interesting" relationships but has never settled down and for a tremendous love of kids, has never had any. She is a wonderful Aunt to her brother's children and a good friend. So, with all my great memories, and amazing respect and love for Erin, please forgive me for wanting to know Why?!?!?

It seems (and I'm not sure if it's a front) that Erin has an amazing spirit through this. She believes the treatment they're trying will work and this time next year she'll be cancer free! She has asked for our positive thoughts and prayers, or whatever we believe to send her toward recovery faster!

I guess I'm still in shock, although I believe if anyone can fight the odds it'll be her. But I know me, and I'd be wanting to know why? In Battle Royale style I'd be challenging God for a reason. "If there's a reason, don't ya think I should be let in on it?", I'd say. Suddnely, all the worrying I've been doing about turning 27 seems petty, but at the same time, completely justified. If life can be snatched away (and I'm not saying it will be), or you could lose years of your life just fighting for it, isn't each year you're not doing what you've ultimately dreamed of important? "You're young" people say, "You've got time", but maybe it's all a farce. Maybe we really don't. And when faced with your own mortality, have you really achieved everything you wish to achieve? And if you haven't, why not? What's holding us back?

I'll admit I had a kind of AHA moment a couple years ago when talking to Karen. I was living in Greensboro and upset because it seemed many people had dreams and goals about careers and I'd never had one. Couldn't think of one dream I'd ever had (minus the one with the teeth falling out...'cuz we're not talking that kind of dream), Kare said she could. I'd always wanted to, and figured I would get married and have kids. Not just with anyone, but finding the right person , etc., etc. And I realized she was right. However, that's a real horrible dream to instill in a control freak. There's nothing you can do about it. Can't work hard and it'll come, can't actively search it out (without completely deflating your faith in it at all), so you just have to sit, and wait, and know it will come. But what if it's not supposed to? Can we have dreams that are never supposed to come true? that aren't part of the 'greater plan" ? And if so, what kind of sick joke is that? To instill a dream in someone knowing it won't come true?

I wonder what Erin's dreams were, or if she really has any at all. Maybe, as I've said before, she was so engrossed in living life, she never took time to dream it? And if so, and something happens to her, will she feel fulfilled, or will there be so much more she wishes she could've done? Which is worse, to dream or not to dream?

I've seen people I've cared about greatly who have dreams. And as the years pass, some of them realize theirs and change paths, and some of them are still struggling year after year to relaize theirs. It frustrates me where some succeed and others don't. What's the magic password to the dream realization express? What can we do to achieve those dreams faster, when some of them are our of our hands? Maybe the key to dreams is to realize they mostly lie at the hands of someone or something else. That all we can do is as much as we can, and while we wait, we must create and pursue other dreams in other avenues. As with mine, I am still hoping it is meant to come true (well, a little). But perhaps, while I wait for "the right time" (as the thought of forever...and trusting someone else's definition of forever recently makes me hyperventilate.), I am supposed to push towards a "dream" and create one career or family wise. Maybe what I need to "create the right time" is a priority shift from "why not me?" to "what can I do in the meantime", thus creating the "right time" for my "greater plan".

And maybe Erin has a reason to. Maybe she will get through all this and realize the preciousness of live and the little time we have to do anything with it. Maybe she won't (in which case I'll be back to "why?") and was just sent as an angel to bless us for a short while with her love of live, vivacity, and courage. or maybe, just maybe, there isn't really a reason for any of this at all.


Please keep Erin in your thoughts and prayers as well. I'm sensing she'll need as many as she can get! :)

P.S. I changed the color of the Blog a couple days ago b/c I was feeling like a change. I hope you guys like the blue.

Everyone has that someone with a direct line to certain feelings within them. It's sometimes unclear just exactly when we gave out our direct line, but we're almost always with mixed emotions when it rings.

As you probably guessed, my direct line was installed but only one person has the number. The last few weeks it's been ringing off the hook, and as predicted my mixed emotions are in full swing. It's very disheartening to me that I can't get this stupid number disconnected. I've tried, believe me. Only problem is, I've been told the only time it'll fully disconnect it when I replace it with another one. The fact that the bill is too high for me to pay doesn't seem to matter, I'm supposed to replace it. I keep trying to disconnect it myself, but then out of no where it rings and I'm off on the emotional rollercoaster I've gotten uncomfortably used to.

The phone rang last Thursday morning. I was sort of expecting it as it's become an "active" line again, but it always surprises me it hasn't become disconnected, b/c I keep trying to disconnect it. Finally, Thursday I just gave up. My poor emotions were soaring so high, I couldn't get them down to convince them we needed to call the phone company and get the line disconnected before it does damage. Turns out, the direct line has email too. The direct line rang, dialed my email address, and sent a virus. "I'm sorry for calling late.", it said. "Thank you for your nice, thoughtful note.", it said. Damage done. Too late.

The other problem with this direct line...it's not a two-way line. I can't dial out and get his direct line. That's a reserved number I guess I was never privy to, at least, if I got it I never knew it. I think it might've been a cryptic number and I never desyphered it. He once told me he knew I only want to keep in touch to destroy him, b/c not being in touch he's safe. But then he dials up that old number and I've been reached.

But I'm trying to fight back. Today I called the general line and began trying to figure out the right way to disconnect the direct line. "Don't apologize for calling", I said, just use the general line. The direct line, should only be used on emergencies. (Is this possible Kare?) As long as you don't dial direct, damage isn't done and the phone company may let me disconnect the stupid line. I don't think I'll ever replace it. Maybe just leave the cords hanging out of the wall, like scars, to remind me of what it once connected, but is no longer there. But I guess until then, the lines gonna stay, realizing that at any second it could ring, bring me ever that much further from disconnecting it.

Hi everyone!

I've been doing alot of thinking about weddings. Probably because I've been to alot or thinking about them in a short period of time. The idea of a wedding is a scary thing. Well, maybe only if you believe. I was thinking about this today at my cousin Rachel and Tim's wedding. What is it that makes a person stand up before God and everyone they love and swear they will be with the person standing next to them for the rest of their life?

At the last 2 weddings I've attended asked to write some words of advice for the new married couple.I always pass. What is it that I, a single person who doesn't understand the marriage emotions, can contribute to their future? The idea of marriage gets scarier with every one I attend. Not necessarily to the point of hyperventilation, but close. Karen, will get such a kick out of reading this Blog, because I was an absolute wreck at her wedding. I couldn't understand how she was so calm just minutes before walking into the great unknown. Just thinking about it raises my blood pressure a little.

In a weird sort of way, I am perfectly comfortable with walking into an unknown future (I know after some of my Blog's you may not believe this...but keep reading - it'll make sense, I promise! :) ) alone. I trust me. I can count on me. And although I'm not always sure how I'm gonna react, I'm sure of how I'm gonna react (get it? ;) ). I can use my gut and logic about me and my life to figure something out, even if (as I told someone on the phone the other morning) "every decision I make is a bad one". I know I may be the only one who has to deal with it. (Now, they may be some arguement that will always be the case, but not in my eyes) I am almost positive (in fact, I'd bet some money on it) that if I ever walk down the aisle, I will be there for that other person for better or worse. I will exhaust all options before giving up on my commitment. I will be true to my vow of til death do us part (canceling some mitigating, life threatening circumstances). But will he?

Do we ever really know how another person feels? Or how they will react? Do they hold their vows as sacred? And if not, what is their breaking point? How much worse is worse for them? Maybe til death do us part means the death of the pet we bought together, or the warm, fuzzy feeling you have when you're in love. Maybe what you're laying on the table at 20 (my cousin Rachel's age) is not what's on the table at 55. How do you know that love will endure? How do you know, short of a "define all the words in our vows" session can you be sure you're on the same page? And what if the page changes? What happens then? Can you really promise forever if you don't know what forever is?

Maybe these are the musings of someone who has never had the feelings that drives a couple to the alter. Maybe it's the embittered part of me that doesn't believe relationships can endure, based on past experiences. It's usually when I feel on the same page I realize just what opposite novels we're in. Maybe it's a the control freak in me that shudders at the thought that some part of my life will be given over to another person who, for as much as he promises in that happy, shiny moment at the alter to have my best interests at heart, may not. And how do you stay true to yourself and your bests interests and keep theirs in mind to? what if these roads diverge? Is that better or worse? Death do us part?

My old roommate Mike and his beloved are one example. As you know, Mike has accepted a job in San Diego as a coach. Coaching is what he's always wanted to do, and so is moving back to the West Coast. His girlfriend, Kristina, just started Physician Assistant's school at Wake Forrest. She is not sure of moving cross country away from her friends and family and finding work out there to be with him, after her graduation, should this last. When does his dream become selfish and indifferent to her "best interests"? If she does "compromise" and move to San Diego (or elsewhere) when the time comes, where's his? When does he compromise his life for her "best interest"?

Maybe my friend is right when commenting on his live-in girlfriend in saying, "I'm not married, because if I were married, I'd be married." If living together is a level of commitment you will be willing to settle for, there's got to be a reason not to push it further. If one wants that level and another is willing to settle for it, the commitment levels do not, and may never meet. And maybe, even though one of the persons wants to live together, it is not something they would do if they were truly in love with the other. Maybe the key is to commiting to someone who's idea of commitment is the same as yours. Someone who hold marriage in the same regard as you. And maybe you'll never REALLY know what someone means when they say, "I Love You" or "I Do", but maybe a mutual understanding to communicate and exhaust all possibility before throwing inthe towel is essential. Maybe an idea of a 60-40 give-take, with alternating the give and the take is the key. And trusting in the other person that when he is taking, there will be times he will give. That when you're better and he's worse, there will be leaning, and compassion, and understanding, and love, and when you're worse and he's better it will be reciprocated. That you life means just as much as his and his means just as much as yours. That when things get tough your "best friend" will be going through it all with you, that you a compassionate ear and an understanding nature will allow you both to get through it together. That the love you feel becomes stronger in times of betters AND worse. That with a strong idea of love and commitment to and for each other an uncertain future is not so scary. Maybe knowing that whatever arises in the future, your core values about each other will breed communication and the being "on the same page" or at least knowing how to get there. And maybe with this trust in the other person, the having someone to help you through the better and worse makes that LONG walk down the aisle more like a stroll in the park. So, maybe I do have something to add to that basket after all.

"I, _______________, take you _____________, to be my __________, my partner in life and my one true love.
I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow, and forever.
I will trust you and honor you
I will laugh with you and cry with you.
I will love you faithfully
Through the best and the worst,
Through the difficult and the easy.
What may come I will always be there.
As I have given you my hand to hold
So I give you my life to keep
So help me God"