Everyone has that someone with a direct line to certain feelings within them. It's sometimes unclear just exactly when we gave out our direct line, but we're almost always with mixed emotions when it rings.

As you probably guessed, my direct line was installed but only one person has the number. The last few weeks it's been ringing off the hook, and as predicted my mixed emotions are in full swing. It's very disheartening to me that I can't get this stupid number disconnected. I've tried, believe me. Only problem is, I've been told the only time it'll fully disconnect it when I replace it with another one. The fact that the bill is too high for me to pay doesn't seem to matter, I'm supposed to replace it. I keep trying to disconnect it myself, but then out of no where it rings and I'm off on the emotional rollercoaster I've gotten uncomfortably used to.

The phone rang last Thursday morning. I was sort of expecting it as it's become an "active" line again, but it always surprises me it hasn't become disconnected, b/c I keep trying to disconnect it. Finally, Thursday I just gave up. My poor emotions were soaring so high, I couldn't get them down to convince them we needed to call the phone company and get the line disconnected before it does damage. Turns out, the direct line has email too. The direct line rang, dialed my email address, and sent a virus. "I'm sorry for calling late.", it said. "Thank you for your nice, thoughtful note.", it said. Damage done. Too late.

The other problem with this direct line...it's not a two-way line. I can't dial out and get his direct line. That's a reserved number I guess I was never privy to, at least, if I got it I never knew it. I think it might've been a cryptic number and I never desyphered it. He once told me he knew I only want to keep in touch to destroy him, b/c not being in touch he's safe. But then he dials up that old number and I've been reached.

But I'm trying to fight back. Today I called the general line and began trying to figure out the right way to disconnect the direct line. "Don't apologize for calling", I said, just use the general line. The direct line, should only be used on emergencies. (Is this possible Kare?) As long as you don't dial direct, damage isn't done and the phone company may let me disconnect the stupid line. I don't think I'll ever replace it. Maybe just leave the cords hanging out of the wall, like scars, to remind me of what it once connected, but is no longer there. But I guess until then, the lines gonna stay, realizing that at any second it could ring, bring me ever that much further from disconnecting it.