O.K. I'm just gonna mention this again....that guy of Samantha's from Episode one of the new season. Yowza!

It's hot here in NJ. A/C broke Friday and the repair guys won't be here until Wed. So, we're muddling thru.

Worked for the temp agency today, got an interview with a place tomorrow thru them to work for the summer. I was thinking though, if I'm gonna settle for the summer at a part-time job, why not settle for a year in a salaried job. So, I think I might just go on the interview then look for full-time work doing whatever. The last interview I had was a perfect job for me - working at March of Dimes helping the Special Events people with their events part-time. But, they thought I was overqualified. Ironic, huh?

Don't really have any thoughts to write about, except it's hot and I'm tired, but I thought I'd check in with ya'll. I'll write later this week. Hope everything is well.

O.K. Ignore the pink and kitty comment. I published the blog and the numbers got MORE screwed up than they are now...so I changed the format to this one! :)

Yes, I know...it's pink. But it's got a kitty and it was time for a change. :) But, probably not the best one for the Sports-themed blog of today. I was reading the Ultmiate Scoreboard today (www.espn.go.com) and lots of Page 2's about throwback jerseys and the like. However, on U. Scoreboard they listed the top Jersey #'s of all-time, all sports from 00-99. So, I thought I'd get all ya'll's opinion...(keep an eye out for my astriks and see if you can guess why I would've picked differently! :) )

# 0 Al Oliver #26 Wade Boggs, Boston Red Sox
#00 Robert Parish, Boston Celtics #27 Juan Marichal, San Francisco Giants
#1 Ozzie Smith, St. Louis Cardinals #28 Marshall Faulk, St. Louis Rams
#2 Secretariat #29 Satchel Paige, St. louis Brown
#3 Babe Ruth, New York Yankees #30 Nolan Ryan, California Angels
#4 Bobby Orr, Boston Bruins #31 Greg Maddux, Atlanta Braves
#5 Joe Di Maggio, New York Yankees #32 Jim Brown, Cleveland Browns
#6 Julius Erving, Philadelphia 76ers #33 Larry Bird, Boston Celtics
#7 Mickey Mantle, New York Yankees #34 Walter Payton, Chicago Bears
#8 Cal Ripken, Jr., Baltimore Orioles #35 Frank Thomas, Chicago White Sox
#9 Ted Williams, Boston Red Sox #36 Robin Roberts, Philadelphia Phillies
#10 Pele, Brazil #37 Casey Stengel, New York Yankees
#11 Mark Messier, Edmonton Oilers #38 Curt Shilling, Arizona
#12 Terry Bradshaw, Pittsburgh Steelers #39 Roy Campanella, Brooklyn Dodgers
#13 Wilt chamberlain, Philadelphia 76ers #40 Gale Sayers, Chicago Bears
#14 Pete Rose, Cincinnati Reds #41 Tom Seaver, New York Mets
#15 Bart Starr, Green Bay Packers #42 Jackie Robinson, Brooklyn Dodgers
#16 Joe Montana, San Francisco 49ers #43 Richard Petty
#17 John Havlicek, Boston Celtics #44 Hank Aaron, Milwaukee Braves
#18 Charlie Joiner, San Diego Chargers #45 Bob Gibson, St. Louis Cardinals
#19 Johnny Unitas, Baltimore Colts #46 Lee Smith, Chicago Cubs
#20 Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions *** #47 Tom Glavine, Atlanta Braves
#21 Roger Clemens, Boston Red Sox *** #48 Sam Mc Dowell, Cleveland Indians
#22 Emmitt Smith, Dallas Cowboys #49 Ron Guidry, New York Yankees
#23 Michael Jordan, Chicago Bulls #50 David Robinson, San Antonio Spurs
#24 Willie Mays, New York Giants
#25 Barry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

#51 Dick Butkus, Chicago Bears #75 Mean Joe Green, Pittsburgh Steelers
#52 Mike Webster, Pittsburgh Steelers #76 Shawn Bradley, Philadelphia 76ers
#53 Don Drysdale, Los Angeles Dodgers #77 Ray Bourque, Boston Bruins
#54 Goose Gossage, New York Yankees #78 Bruce Smith, Buffalo Bills
#55 Orel Hershiser, Los Angeles Dodgers #79 Harvey Martin, Dallas Cowboys
#56 Lawrence Taylor, New York Giants #80 Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers
#57 Tom Jackson, Denver Broncos #81 Dick "Night Train" Lane, Detroit Lions
#58 Jack Lambert, Pittsburgh Steelers #82 John Stallworth, Pittsburgh Steelers
#59 Jack Ham, Pittsburgh Steelers #83 Ted hendricks, Oakland Raiders
#60 Otto Graham, Cleveland Browns #84 Shannon Sharpe, Denver Broncos
#61 Curley Culp, Kansas City Chiefs #85 Jack Youngblood, Los Angeles Rams
#62 Jim Langer, Miami Dolphins #86 Buck Bucannan, Kansas City Chiefs
#63 Gene Upshaw, Oakland Raiders #87 Dwight Clark, San Francisco 49ers
#64 Jerry Kramer, Green Bay Packers #88 Lynn Swann, Pittsburgh Steelers
#65 Gary Zimmerman, Minnesota Vikings #89 Mike Ditka, Chicago Bears
#66 Mario Lemieux, Pittsburgh Penguins #90 Neil Smith, Kansas City Chiefs
#67 Reggie Mc Kenzie, Buffalo Bills #91 Dennis Rodman, Chicago Bulls
#68 Jaromir Jagr, Pittsburgh Penguins #92 Reggie White, Green Bay Packers
#69 Tim Krumrie, Cincinnati Bengals #93 Doug Gilmour, Toronto Maple Leafs
#70 Sam Huff, New York Giants #94 Charles Haley, Sna Francisco 49ers
#71 Alex Karras, Detroit Lions #95 Richard Dent, Chicago Bears
#72 Carlton Fisk, Chicago White Sox #96 Cortez Kennedy, Seattle Seahawks
#73 John Hannah, New England Patriots #97 Cornelius Bennett, Buffalo Bills
#74 Merlin Olsen, Los angeles Rams #98 Tom Harmon, Michigan Wolverines
#99 Wayne Gretzky, Edmonton Oilers

Hey everyone!
Thought in honor of the new SITC (did anyone see Samantha's man of the episode?!?!? WOW!)....

So, Drs. can't find anything wrong with me, so they've proclaimed me o.k. Typical Drs. ya know.

Got a phone call from Neil today. I wrote him on his b-day (yeah, yeah, I know) and wanted to know how he was handling his early retirement from UNCG. No word. So, of course, I couldn't just let it go and be ignored! :) So, he called.

I was doing alot of thinking between his b-day and this morning. And the whole saga makes me pretty angry. Only problem is, I haven't been able to pinpoint one thing or entity to be mad at. (or...at which to be mad) I am mad for ever meeting him; mad at myself for getting involved with him; mad at him for using me or not loving me or not respecting me or whatever (maybe all of the above and more)...shall we say for treating me as he did all those years. Just mad at the circumstances and why I haven't been able to move past them. And lately, at why he is so freakin' happy in his life and with her, etc. and why every time I turn a corner I get hit by a truck.

So, I was thinking maybe it was better he wasn't writing back. In his message he said Christy still isn't comfortable with he and I talking (I'm sure it incites arguements, which makes me happy), but "I am comfortable with our relationship and she is still learning that" (which I took to mean his and hers, but Trish thought he meant his and mine).

And really, why shouldn't he be? He gets to be friends with me and be married to her. The best of both. (well, maybe to him. Personally, I think anything with her involved is a nightmare - and actually has been to me in the past 2 years - but maybe she's someone's flavor of happy.) I concocted a few responses, but am still debating whether or not I should even respond.

It's funny he remarked she's not comfortable with he and I being friends. I'm not sure if I am comfortable with it either. Every conversation, email, lack of email, etc. from him (or with Mike, who is a "link" from Neil to me) upsets me. It's a reminder of how he was with me for 2 years or more in some non-relationship/relationship way and then, just up and left. And not that I need a reminder. Every date I go on I compare to him, to how compatible we were. No guy stands a chance. And certain things I do...well, they remind me of him too. I try to push through. Sit through a baseball game, or Wal-Mart, heck, even grocery shopping, b/c these were things I enjoyed before him and should "get back on the horse", so to speak. Not let him ruin the things I enjoyed. To know she's were I was, and want to be and he's happy it's her there not me. Do I really need this reminder? This "comfortable" relationship? Is the "complete" feeling I have when hearing from him writing to him and aching I feel when he's not "around" really worth the painful stabbing and total saddness I feel when reminded of his choice?

And her...to be "not comfortable"...Not only did he leave me, he left for his wife, Christy, who isn't comfortable with us talking...through email. Now, as you might've guessed, I don't like her much. Christy and I used to be pretty good friends. Until she and Neil broke up the first time. But, all the manipulating she did purposely and while being "supportive" of Neil and I...it leaves a VERY deep resentment. And apparently, she didn't figure out she won. She's the one he's living with, playing house, and moving to wherever his job might take them. She hurt me worse than I'd ever been hurt before (well, he did, but she was the catalyst), so she wins there too. Hurts me, throws my life into a complete downward spiral, AND gets the man she wanted. And yet, she's bothered by email? In some ways I feel bad for her for this. Jealous of a woman millions of miles away and insecure in a relationship she's invested time, energy and years in. And this is gonna be the rest of your life? Living with a man you can't complete trust is completely yours?

So, in true Carrie style.... In a relationship so riddled with hurt and love and caring and pain worth it? (Do the pros outweigh the cons?)

Hey Guys!

Well, I'm up and it's 11pm. Go figure. So far today I got up, had a great lunch with my mom, finished one of two CD's for my CD exchange, had an initial interview for a part-time job, bought new clothes, visited with Trish, bought a Ru-u-u-ben CD, ate pizza and here I am.

I'm a bit nervous about this stupid Dr. visit test tomorrow. I know it's silly...but I hate not knowing what's wrong when stuff goes wrong. Just tell me what it is and I'll set about fixing it. This not having control stuff stinks! And usually, I have a pretty good idea about what's wrong with me. If I can't tell b/c I've had it before, I set about searching and researching until I get symptoms that "click" with my gut feeling. The ones I've found so far are not comforting.

So, in a way, I hope tomorrow shows something, but then again, I hope it shows nothing. (Vague, I know, but no sense blurting out every diagnosis I come up with. - Or that my P.A. has come up with. She's tried to make me pregnant 3 times! :) ) Sorry to be vague, again, but who knows what it is. I'm just nervous.

That...plus the fact the test requires you to drink 32 oz. of water, then not pee! What kind of superwoman thought up this test! (Oh, probably my mother. She NEVER goes! :) ) Oh, that and add the equivalent of a three year old jumping on your bladder while you try not to pee! Even better! The fun never ends! :)

O.k. Now, here's the deal....I have this three-year-old test tomorrow, and if nothing comes up, I'm gonna request a blood test (nope. still not pregnant! :) ), THEN I'll fill you guys in on what it IS or ISN'T. Sound good? O.k. Works for me!

Well, guess I'm off to bed. Gotta get up early and fill my body with water! :) Happy Birthday Sweetheart, wherever you may be tonight. I Miss You and love you very much.

Well, two baseball games in one day and Mac and Cheese for dinner. What could be better?!?!? The A's were back in town for the first time this weekend since the 1940's. It, and the "fuss" made over the Philadelphia A's return, reminded me of a gentleman I knew for two or three years in Greensboro. One who had the pleasure of playing for "Mr. Mack" (as he was referred) and who reminded me so much of my grandfather. His name? How about a hint?

"After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't try out. Besides, uh, I don't believe in quantum physics when it comes to matters of the heart."

Mr. Lawrence Columbus "Crash" Davis.

Neil just about knocked me off my chair one evening sitting around his apartment my second year in Greensboro. He had just asked me what my favorite movie was. "Bull Durham" (not like you all didn't know that)

"I can introduce you to Crash Davis."
"Haha. Very funny."
"No, I'm not kidding. Crash Davis, the one the movie was based on, lives in Greensboro and comes to all our games."

I couldn't speak. I was so excited. Later that year, during baseball season, I met Crash at our brand new UNCG Baseball Stadium. He was tall, lean, carried himself much like my grandpop does, even wore his hat the same way - flat brim, just barely resting on top of his head. As I would find out, pretty much everyone in Greensboro knew Crash. I guess it was later that baseball season I began working weekends at a local gym. Who emerged every Friday night from the locker room with a big smile on his face? Mr. Davis himself. It seemed the last couple of years he was in many of the same places I was. We talked a little about baseball...about the Spartans, see ya at the game...that kind of thing. Always a smile, and a mischevious little wink and off he went.

The following year, I worked at the Spartan Club. Scott and I decided to attend (and then take over) our Head Baseball coaches coffees he set up for all the older gentlemen in Greensboro who were involved or interested in baseball. They used to show up, chit-chat amongst themselves, and with anyone there. Coach Gaski would show up, talk about our UNCG team and occasionally give the guys hats or shirts. These mornings, maybe a quick side hug (the kind grandpop and I share sometimes), then off to coffee. As that season drew near, Crash was ailing. Neil used to fill me in on the latest updates he received from Coach Gaski. The season wasn't quite the same. Crash would show up when he could. When I didn't see him, I'd worry. But somehow, he would always show up again, even if just for the opening pitch. He threw out the first pitch at our minor league stadium in April of 2001.

Neil called me to tell me Crash had passed away. I believe it was September 1st, when he called. I went with Scott to the memorial service being held at the Presbyterian Church downtown. (Neil accompanied Gaski) Such a beautiful place. It was a sunny day and the church was full of people who had stories mimicing the light-hearted, friendly Crash I knew. It was hard to be sad, knowing the life Crash had lived, the people he had touched, and the happiness it seemed he had in all his years.

The first meeting of the Coffee Club after that was the first one Scott and I hosted. When the gentlemen showed up, we took the first 20 minutes or so relaying stories they all had about Crash. Everyone left and Scott, Gaski and I sat around until 10am in that stadium, on that gorgeous sunny day talking about Crash and baseball...Spartan baseball specifically. It's a day I'll never forget. September 11, 2001. Somehow, I'm glad Crash missed it.

How funny it is. I set out to meet someone I "loved" and wound up meeting someone I loved. Crash loved people. He touched everyone he met. Would tell them the story about how he IS Crash Davis. But nothing like Kevin Costner's Crash Davis, because HE was better looking! :) Then he'd smile, and somehow, he'd go from a "famous figure" to grandpop. And not only mine, he seemed like every grandpop kids think of - the ones who'd tell you a story, slip you some candy, tell you not to tell your parents and wink? - it was Crash.

So, we bought my grandpop an A's history book. Had it signed by the A's guy that was there (Spooky Jacobs) and away we went. Sometime, during the 3 or 4th inning of the second game, I happened across a handsome young man with a gorgeous smile and the sweetest dimples. There, on the left hand page, in the 1940's section of the book, sat Crash. Finally, grandpop and Crash will meet.

I think of him often, and his family and everyone who loved him - meeting him as I did, because of the movie, or in their daily lives. And while I wish I knew him better, got a chance to hear his stories of days gone by, I wonder if it's just him, or my grandfather, as well. The thought of him being gone always tears just a little at my heart. So, Crash, one day we will sit down - my grandfather and me - and record the stories for posterity. And make our own movie to reach out to people.

Hi All!

Gee....almost one month since my last Blog....makes you think I've been busy or something! :) Well, I think I emailed you all about my latest trips, etc...so I'll just emotionally ramble for awhile, how's that sound?

I've had Neil on my mind since the Friday I found out he'd been fired. Shock, right? Not like he's not usually up there hiding behind brain cells, popping out to say Hi at strange times, but he's been blatantly out in the open this week - looking like he needs a hug. (I tried to squeeze some brain matter around him and pop him out, but it didn't work! :( ) He popped up again while I was sleeping this morning. Apparently, he's directing a play or something up there, b/c the dream was pretty vivid. I often wonder, especially with me, if a dream is what I want to happen, what has happened, what will happen, or what is supposed to happen. Maybe some combination of the first two. As in my old tornado dreams (you guys remember those, right?), I had to find Neil to save myself from the tornados. Last night, the "dream Jenn" (which, by the way is a misnomer - nothing dream about feeling frantic, lost, like you're talking and no one can hear you, stressed and traumatized...but I was a nice, skinny size 8! :) ) calmed down after boarding a plane to GSO with Neil and leaving the fie behind. Probably more the "what I want to happen" than what will, just to assure you all.

Anyway, I guess I feel like I'm the only one who can make him better. Why are women like that? Why do we think we are the only ones who are capable of soothing a hurt, righting a wrong, or mending a situation? I think it's a maternal nature. Women are geared towards "getting" involved b/c we need it to survive as a mother. Think about it, if your mother didn't think she could make everything right in your world, why did she kiss your scrapes, get involved in all your "issues", and pick out your clothes for school :) ? Becuase if she didn't do it, your scrapes would become infected and you'd eventually be limbless, you'd turn all your issues from mountains to molehills and you'd get picked on at school! :) O.k., maybe, in reality, it was because she loved you and wanted to love you so much all your problems and potential problems went away. The problem with Neil is, that after all this time and hurt, after the things he did that hurt me so deeply...I still love him. And, I don't think anyone else will love him the way I did. Therefore, I am the only one who can make all his hurt go away. (Gee, and you guys thought lack of self-esteem was my problem! Never thought I'd have an overinflated sense of self, huh? :) :) ) (I also don't think he loves Christy the way he loved me. I can prove it, but maybe another time, lest I get too far off track!) And maybe he does too. Maybe that's why he emailed me first thng when he got fired, or why he calls when he fights with Gaski, or why he calls when gets down on himself.

Who knows?!?!? All I know is I wish I didn't always feel tormented by conflicting feeling where he's concerned. Come to think of it...I wish I didn't have any feelings where he is concerned at all. Well, that's not true. I wish I felt happiness, and indifference. Like I do with Ryan. Glad things are going well for him, happy he has found a woman who seems so very perfect for him, etc. But instead, I love Neil. Which in and of itself conflicts me. I love him, and therefore want his happiness. For him to experience love and joy and ultimate happiness...even if the person that makes him feel that way is not me. How fair is it to say, I want you to be happy, but only with me? No Happiness for you with anyone else! And if I thought he were really the kind of happy he exhibited with me (at times. Not to get high on myself, but through all the non-commitment and cheating crap, there were ALOT of the silly, child-like, a five-year old with a new toy, stolen kisses in the kitchen, making me breakfast at 2am and showing me off to his friends happy moments he let shine through.), maybe I'd feel a little less conflicted. Because the other parts of me, the five-year old who had is toy taken away parts, that want to scream and kick and cry and yell about how it's not fair, blah, blah, blah. So, I try and focus on the being happy for him (which is hard to do b/c I don't think he's really happy) and not so much the hurt that it's not me.

So I guess lately, my "it's not me" side has taken over. It does that when I know he's experiencing happy or sad moments and I'm not there. I guess it's hard to want to be there for every moment...to get through your moments (good and bad) together...and not have any "together" to get through things with. It's how I've felt about my job, my moving home, dating, and even him. He's the one I want to share the feelings on all of the above with. But he's not there. And I keep trying to figure out if it's harder b/c I know there is someone else in his life who gets to "be me".

So, I pray to God to give me the strength to get through this (still) and with the same energy pray he'll help Neil to find the happiness and joy I want for him.

I hope you all are doing alright. Just a little Blog reader bonding update: Trish is getting over a virus, but is moved into her new house and it looks fabulous! Amy went for a sonogram and everything was o.k. (No report on the Dr. after visit though) Karen has started her new job and seems to love it. Kristina has become a pilot on the San Diego - Raleigh Southwest flight...well, maybe not, but she certainly has enough miles logged! :) Not so much anymore though, b/c Mike is back in Winston. I don't know all the particulars, but they lost to Cal-Fullerton in the first round Regionals, then beat somebody (can't remember who), so they played Notre Dame Saturday. If they won, they played Cal-Fullerton again; if they lost, it was over. When I called Mike Monday, he was headed to GSO, so I'm guessing the lost, just don't know in which game. AJ is turning a green pit into a pool and Sunday will be cooking on the Egg if anyone wants to drop in on him in Augusta, GA! :) (Hey AJ, you don't care, do you?) That's it that I know of. As for me, I'm taking full advantage of being off tomorrow to try and increase the pigment on my derma...seaside! :) Keep checking this site. I'm gonna try to be more religious about writing (although, according to mom, I have no religuous about religion, so maybe that's not a good analogy! :) ). And yes, I know I said that before, but I've got time now! :)