Hi All!

Gee....almost one month since my last Blog....makes you think I've been busy or something! :) Well, I think I emailed you all about my latest trips, etc...so I'll just emotionally ramble for awhile, how's that sound?

I've had Neil on my mind since the Friday I found out he'd been fired. Shock, right? Not like he's not usually up there hiding behind brain cells, popping out to say Hi at strange times, but he's been blatantly out in the open this week - looking like he needs a hug. (I tried to squeeze some brain matter around him and pop him out, but it didn't work! :( ) He popped up again while I was sleeping this morning. Apparently, he's directing a play or something up there, b/c the dream was pretty vivid. I often wonder, especially with me, if a dream is what I want to happen, what has happened, what will happen, or what is supposed to happen. Maybe some combination of the first two. As in my old tornado dreams (you guys remember those, right?), I had to find Neil to save myself from the tornados. Last night, the "dream Jenn" (which, by the way is a misnomer - nothing dream about feeling frantic, lost, like you're talking and no one can hear you, stressed and traumatized...but I was a nice, skinny size 8! :) ) calmed down after boarding a plane to GSO with Neil and leaving the fie behind. Probably more the "what I want to happen" than what will, just to assure you all.

Anyway, I guess I feel like I'm the only one who can make him better. Why are women like that? Why do we think we are the only ones who are capable of soothing a hurt, righting a wrong, or mending a situation? I think it's a maternal nature. Women are geared towards "getting" involved b/c we need it to survive as a mother. Think about it, if your mother didn't think she could make everything right in your world, why did she kiss your scrapes, get involved in all your "issues", and pick out your clothes for school :) ? Becuase if she didn't do it, your scrapes would become infected and you'd eventually be limbless, you'd turn all your issues from mountains to molehills and you'd get picked on at school! :) O.k., maybe, in reality, it was because she loved you and wanted to love you so much all your problems and potential problems went away. The problem with Neil is, that after all this time and hurt, after the things he did that hurt me so deeply...I still love him. And, I don't think anyone else will love him the way I did. Therefore, I am the only one who can make all his hurt go away. (Gee, and you guys thought lack of self-esteem was my problem! Never thought I'd have an overinflated sense of self, huh? :) :) ) (I also don't think he loves Christy the way he loved me. I can prove it, but maybe another time, lest I get too far off track!) And maybe he does too. Maybe that's why he emailed me first thng when he got fired, or why he calls when he fights with Gaski, or why he calls when gets down on himself.

Who knows?!?!? All I know is I wish I didn't always feel tormented by conflicting feeling where he's concerned. Come to think of it...I wish I didn't have any feelings where he is concerned at all. Well, that's not true. I wish I felt happiness, and indifference. Like I do with Ryan. Glad things are going well for him, happy he has found a woman who seems so very perfect for him, etc. But instead, I love Neil. Which in and of itself conflicts me. I love him, and therefore want his happiness. For him to experience love and joy and ultimate happiness...even if the person that makes him feel that way is not me. How fair is it to say, I want you to be happy, but only with me? No Happiness for you with anyone else! And if I thought he were really the kind of happy he exhibited with me (at times. Not to get high on myself, but through all the non-commitment and cheating crap, there were ALOT of the silly, child-like, a five-year old with a new toy, stolen kisses in the kitchen, making me breakfast at 2am and showing me off to his friends happy moments he let shine through.), maybe I'd feel a little less conflicted. Because the other parts of me, the five-year old who had is toy taken away parts, that want to scream and kick and cry and yell about how it's not fair, blah, blah, blah. So, I try and focus on the being happy for him (which is hard to do b/c I don't think he's really happy) and not so much the hurt that it's not me.

So I guess lately, my "it's not me" side has taken over. It does that when I know he's experiencing happy or sad moments and I'm not there. I guess it's hard to want to be there for every moment...to get through your moments (good and bad) together...and not have any "together" to get through things with. It's how I've felt about my job, my moving home, dating, and even him. He's the one I want to share the feelings on all of the above with. But he's not there. And I keep trying to figure out if it's harder b/c I know there is someone else in his life who gets to "be me".

So, I pray to God to give me the strength to get through this (still) and with the same energy pray he'll help Neil to find the happiness and joy I want for him.

I hope you all are doing alright. Just a little Blog reader bonding update: Trish is getting over a virus, but is moved into her new house and it looks fabulous! Amy went for a sonogram and everything was o.k. (No report on the Dr. after visit though) Karen has started her new job and seems to love it. Kristina has become a pilot on the San Diego - Raleigh Southwest flight...well, maybe not, but she certainly has enough miles logged! :) Not so much anymore though, b/c Mike is back in Winston. I don't know all the particulars, but they lost to Cal-Fullerton in the first round Regionals, then beat somebody (can't remember who), so they played Notre Dame Saturday. If they won, they played Cal-Fullerton again; if they lost, it was over. When I called Mike Monday, he was headed to GSO, so I'm guessing the lost, just don't know in which game. AJ is turning a green pit into a pool and Sunday will be cooking on the Egg if anyone wants to drop in on him in Augusta, GA! :) (Hey AJ, you don't care, do you?) That's it that I know of. As for me, I'm taking full advantage of being off tomorrow to try and increase the pigment on my derma...seaside! :) Keep checking this site. I'm gonna try to be more religious about writing (although, according to mom, I have no religuous about religion, so maybe that's not a good analogy! :) ). And yes, I know I said that before, but I've got time now! :)