Hey everyone!
Thought in honor of the new SITC (did anyone see Samantha's man of the episode?!?!? WOW!)....

So, Drs. can't find anything wrong with me, so they've proclaimed me o.k. Typical Drs. ya know.

Got a phone call from Neil today. I wrote him on his b-day (yeah, yeah, I know) and wanted to know how he was handling his early retirement from UNCG. No word. So, of course, I couldn't just let it go and be ignored! :) So, he called.

I was doing alot of thinking between his b-day and this morning. And the whole saga makes me pretty angry. Only problem is, I haven't been able to pinpoint one thing or entity to be mad at. (or...at which to be mad) I am mad for ever meeting him; mad at myself for getting involved with him; mad at him for using me or not loving me or not respecting me or whatever (maybe all of the above and more)...shall we say for treating me as he did all those years. Just mad at the circumstances and why I haven't been able to move past them. And lately, at why he is so freakin' happy in his life and with her, etc. and why every time I turn a corner I get hit by a truck.

So, I was thinking maybe it was better he wasn't writing back. In his message he said Christy still isn't comfortable with he and I talking (I'm sure it incites arguements, which makes me happy), but "I am comfortable with our relationship and she is still learning that" (which I took to mean his and hers, but Trish thought he meant his and mine).

And really, why shouldn't he be? He gets to be friends with me and be married to her. The best of both. (well, maybe to him. Personally, I think anything with her involved is a nightmare - and actually has been to me in the past 2 years - but maybe she's someone's flavor of happy.) I concocted a few responses, but am still debating whether or not I should even respond.

It's funny he remarked she's not comfortable with he and I being friends. I'm not sure if I am comfortable with it either. Every conversation, email, lack of email, etc. from him (or with Mike, who is a "link" from Neil to me) upsets me. It's a reminder of how he was with me for 2 years or more in some non-relationship/relationship way and then, just up and left. And not that I need a reminder. Every date I go on I compare to him, to how compatible we were. No guy stands a chance. And certain things I do...well, they remind me of him too. I try to push through. Sit through a baseball game, or Wal-Mart, heck, even grocery shopping, b/c these were things I enjoyed before him and should "get back on the horse", so to speak. Not let him ruin the things I enjoyed. To know she's were I was, and want to be and he's happy it's her there not me. Do I really need this reminder? This "comfortable" relationship? Is the "complete" feeling I have when hearing from him writing to him and aching I feel when he's not "around" really worth the painful stabbing and total saddness I feel when reminded of his choice?

And her...to be "not comfortable"...Not only did he leave me, he left for his wife, Christy, who isn't comfortable with us talking...through email. Now, as you might've guessed, I don't like her much. Christy and I used to be pretty good friends. Until she and Neil broke up the first time. But, all the manipulating she did purposely and while being "supportive" of Neil and I...it leaves a VERY deep resentment. And apparently, she didn't figure out she won. She's the one he's living with, playing house, and moving to wherever his job might take them. She hurt me worse than I'd ever been hurt before (well, he did, but she was the catalyst), so she wins there too. Hurts me, throws my life into a complete downward spiral, AND gets the man she wanted. And yet, she's bothered by email? In some ways I feel bad for her for this. Jealous of a woman millions of miles away and insecure in a relationship she's invested time, energy and years in. And this is gonna be the rest of your life? Living with a man you can't complete trust is completely yours?

So, in true Carrie style.... In a relationship so riddled with hurt and love and caring and pain worth it? (Do the pros outweigh the cons?)