I snuck out of a wedding reception.

Is that wrong? Am I really that strange? You know the drunk person at a party that is one minute somewhere, then abruptly gets up and hurridly dashes to somewhere else? That was me. I'm even a bit ashamed to admit it. Here I am though, boldly saying I snuck out of a recpetion.

Here's the thing...I wasn't having a great time. It was nice, I was having a good time, but it wasn't great. The groom tried to warn me months before of this very thing. I didn't listen well enough. Well, I did listen, I just really wasn't sure what to do about it. Who could I bring? The answer, sadly, was no one. Not one single male friend. Not to mention one who is single and would be willing to spend three days at events with people he didn't know...in Maine. No, like it or not, I was on my own for this wedding.

In all my wedding experience, I have never had trouble going to a wedding by myself. I've been to plenty of them. Granted you get the "no date? but you're so pretty" comments from adults. As if being pretty should automatically mean you have someone constantly at your disposal for weddings, family events, etc. Or the "Freaks at table 9" issues of all the single people at a table together. Not to mention the putting you in a spotlight on a dance floor with all the other pretty, single freaks to catch some object being thrown blindly at you. Other than these awkward times, weddings as a single person are fun. You can dance wildly without worrying about leaving the other person alone. You can hang out with your girlfriends and tell stories you would NOT want people to blackmail you with later. You can move in and out of several different groups of people with no alliegance to any one "group" or table. Everyone talks to you because you have no one else around. The slow dance moments aside, weddings as a single person are fun.

The last couple weddings have been different for me. I've been in most of the ones I've attended recently. If I haven't, I've at least felt as close to one member of the "new couple" as anyone else there. It gives me some "home territory" rights or something. (I don't know! See the part where I said I was weird! :) ) I feel more at ease. This past weekend I was determined to be the hit of the wedding (couple excluded, of course). Instead, I was a miserable failure. (In my own mind)

I've been looking forward to this wedding since I got the first "Save the Date". This past weekend was the wedding of my old roommate, Mike and his girlfriend/my old student trainer, Kristina. Two of the most absolutely sweetest people I know! (of course, I do say that about all of my friends. They are all wonderful, wonderful people. ) Friday was a Wine and Cheese/Get to know the people at the wedding Event at Kristina's aunt's house; Saturday was the wedding and the reception; Sunday was a lobster feast at her mom's house. What a 3-day party! I was ready! It's been a long time since I've been to a good party. I needed it.

Friday came, I went to the Wine and Cheese. Mike had hinted that I should bring someone to the weekend because I'd have alot of free time and I wouldn't know too many people. Not a problem for me! I'm a people person! I could talk to anyone! (I apparently am ALOT different in my own mind than in reality.) I took mom as a gift for her, an escape, but she didn't accompany me to any of the events...just the free time stuff. Anyway, I went to the wine and cheese in my nice, cute, summery-yet-sophisticated outfit and took it upon myself to meet people. I didn't want Mike in any way, shape or form to be worried about me. I would be fine. So, introduced myself to groups, chatted a bit, then moved on. After an hour I so, I realized that while I had "met" alot of people, there was no one I felt comfortable around. Like a transfer student, trying to integrate cliques, looking for her niche. There was the family, the sorority sisters, the bridal party, the couples and me. I left about this time, saying a quick goodbye to the bride and groom, then off I went.

Saturday morning was a bit tense. James, my former boss at UNCG and his fiance came walking into breakfast. Me, mom and a couple from MD who were also attending the wedding were talking when they walked in and sat down. It was the first time I had met Jen and she was very nice. James is a current reference, so there was no tension there. The tension arose when Jen turned to James and asked, innocently, where Christy and Neil were staying. Very hurridly and a bit quiet, James told her he did not think they were coming up. I thought my poor mother was going to dash from the table, find the almost-groom and pummel him to an oatmeal consistancy. I, on the other hand, tried to control my suddenly rapid heartrate and erase away the lump now in the pit of my stomach. See...I had expected this. I had been constantly preparing myself and summoning strength for this wedding expecting full well for them to be there. I knew Mike would not leave Neil off his guest list. I also knew Mike wouldn't want me not to come because they were coming. I had been holding out for Kristina. Hoping beyond anything that Kristina would tell me, if Mike would not, Neil and Christy were going to be attending, thereby giving me the time to practice my strength for facing them, head on, at a wedding, together, with no date of my own and no friends to fall back on. I trusted in them to give me warning. I fully expected that since I had heard nothing, they would not be in attendance.

After breakfast, my mother was a wreck. I kept assuring her I would be fine. I had prepared myself, it had been 3 years, I would not for anything want to be with him...to be where she was, I would be fine alone in a room with 80 strangers and them. The wedding itself was lovely. Not even the pouring down rain, thunder and lightening could stop Kristina's smile, as she walked down the aisle, from lighting up the entire town. Mike was more relaxed than I'd ever seen him before a "big game". It was every bit the wedding it should have been. (oh, BTW, no "eternally damned to hell" couple either.)

I showed up at the reception right on time and found I was sitting with the single friends of the newlyweds - the best man (and friend of the groom), maid of honor, matron of honor (recently separated), bridesmaid (and best friend of the groom), groomsman (and childhood friend of the groom) and the groom's cousin. I could not have asked for a better group of people. As dinner went on, they traded stories of bridal party stuff, as well as childhood and high school stuff. When dinner ended, I don't think (honest-to-God truth) I had said more than 15 words. I watched the first dance, the cutting of the cake, participated in having flowers heaved at my head as I stood hiding in the back row trying to not look so single.

I talked to the sorority sisters a little bit and as I was doing the choo-choo train around the dance floor, realized I wasn't really into being at a party. Kristina's ADP sisters were wonderful, but I just felt like they were tolerating me being there, but I wasn't really part of them. In my choo-choo train revelation, I realized I felt like that with just about every group there. Mike was right, I should've scrounged up a date. (Mike is on his honeymoon in St. Maartin's and will hopefully never know that I said he was right about something! :) ) Even more than that, I knew I didn't want to be at the reception feeling alone any longer. I wanted to say goodbye to Mike, but I didn't want to hear him say I told you so or worry about me. (I also wanted to say goodbye to Rick, who was sweet and talked to me alot of Friday and Saturday, but it would've meant risking being begged to stay - so if anyone talks to Rick, not that any of you know him, please tell him I enjoyed meeting him and wish we could've talked longer.) So, I looked around, gathered up my things and snuck out.

The drive home was a bit overwhelming. When I feel like that, I usually realize I'm VERY tired and it's not real emotions, just manifested ones. Either that or blocking out the feeling of loneliness in life takes far more energy than I have when I am tired. In any case, I was awash in the feelings of being alone and the realization that most of the people I knew (or were involved with, like Neil) are not. It's a very strange feeling. Add to that being in a Bed and Breakfast with your mom, no t.v./computer/cell phone and alone doesn't even being to describe how I felt. Luckily, I WAS extremely tired and was asleep before the timer turned the candles in our room windows out.

I was better on Sunday. I went to the Lobster Feast about an hour and a half late. I sat on the deck, surrounded by Kristina's ADP sisters, not caring if I was alone. (Well, maybe just for a minute when I wanted to kayak, but never having been on a kayak before figured someone ought to go with me.) I was in the sunshine, on a river, with a gorgeous view. Kristina came down and talked a bit with all of us. (I should mention here that Kristina also made sure I was IN the choo-choo train at the reception. She wanted me included and kept an eye out for me a bit at HER wedding. Again, she is just wonderful.) I chatted a bit with everyone, as they were leaving, then got some one-on-one time with Mike. Mom came to meet everyone (Kristina, Mikes Parents), then we left. The weekend was finally over.

As I awoke from my Neil dream this morning (won't these things ever go away?!?!?), a feeling of melancholy overcame me. I had weekend regrets. I was upset I didn't get to really know the people at the wedding I was excited about meeting (Mike's friends Amanda, Dom, Rick, Damon) because I'd heard so many good things about them from Mike; and upset there is no "someone" to kayak with.

I hope you guys all had a good weekends, whatever you did. :) I am finally home from Maine and might be passing for sane any day now. Talk to ya'll soon! :)