My Old School

"I'm not senile...I have Mad Cow" - Denny Crane

Just a pre-cursor to the ACTUAL blog. I have Mad Cow, Denny Crane style. I keep forgetting and losing things. I'm just warning you b/c if I get mid-thought and the Mad Cow kicks in, my blogs from here out may abruptly cease mid-thought. So far today I forgot to turn the heat down, my jacket, my leftover dinner. I have said "I forgot..." more in the last 2 or 3 months than I have since high school (when I think I said it to my teachers about my homework often). Lest you worry, I analyzed this often (was there any doubt my overanalytical brain would dissect every inch of this?) and have decided that my brain is like a slideshow moving SO fast, that once the thought has scrolled past, 6 thoughts take it's place before the action can take place. There...your disclaimer from here on out.

Speaking of high school, I completed my first week at Riverside. It is definately a different animal, but so far so good. I was a little discouraged last week. I think it was just constantly being surrounded by "strangers" who were in playoff mode, so while friendly, still strangers. It is a change and yesterday I felt hopeful for a fresh start and saw some direction and all the potential this job hold for me to run with whatever I can imagine.

It was also the day I realized our JV Football coach is none other than my high school crush. First, let me say the hopeful feeling occured about 12:30pm and the revelation (although I thought Friday it might've been him, but when I smiled and said hi his face was totally devoid of recognition, so I thought I was incorrect in my thought) about 4:30pm. To lend slight insight/perspective into this "Crush" let me wind you back in time to a scenario which will seem like deja vu for no one but AJ, perhaps. :) When I was 16 I had an email "relationship" with a helicopter pilot from the Southwest. We met online in a "message board" site (Prodigy, for those who may remember it) where individuals could post song lyrics and the answers would "thread". I have met alot of great people through the site. The "old girls and guys" welcomed me with a raised beverage (mine was non-alcoholic, of course). At one point my Senior Year I posted a song lyric (Mad Cow prevents me from remembering what quote or song it was, it's on the tip of my brain) about said football coach which subsequently ended the email "relationship" with the helicopter pilot. I don't remember if I said to AJ or AJ said to me, "J, it is perfectly o.k. for a 17 (at this point) year old to have a crush on a boy in her high school class." or something to that affect.

After graduation I lost touch with FB coach, as was expected by me. My best friend, who had grown up with FB (I'm omiting the coach from here out, I'm tired), saw him from time to time. My sister spent a summer hanging out with he and his friends at my best friend's shore house while I was in pre-season at grad school the summer after we graduated college. My BFF ran into him from time to time after that to learn he had one, then two kids (at least they were with the same girl. There were points in high school we weren't so sure that would happen) with a girl he dated the summer they spent in SIC. She also learned when he married her and that his mom was watching the kids while he tried to get his life together coaching.

FB was an o.k. FB player and an EXCELLENT BB player when we were freshman. He started Varisty and had amazing potential (a theme with men I'm attracted to, I know). I forget in what order and what years the following happened, but he broke his collar bone (or was it a dislocated shoulder? hmmm), discovered girls, gambling and partying and not only was his potential not realized, but players passed him by giving the illusion of his skill worsening. He was happy I guess, but those of us from high school went on to college and seemed to pass him by with goals and "a plan" for life.

It was good to see him and I told him so (although somewhat stupid to say, since I'll see him most every day for the next 2 weeks until football ends). I have been told by my sister I have too high hopes for the people I care about. My hopes and aspirations for them may not always be what THEY actually want and when the underachieve, I am disappointed. I have tried aspiring to less or not aspiring for anything but for them to be happy (whatever that means to them) so as to keep my crushing disappointment to a minimum, but it is no use. I am pretty sure it is a subconscious effort. I can only imagine being a parent with goals and dreams for your child only to watch them flounder in your expecations. That being said, I am also thrilled and beaming when I see glimmers of long ago dreams filter their way through my disappointment. I was SO happy to see FB coaching. We didn't talk long, so I don't know the other particulars of his life, but it made me so happy to see he was coaching still (or again).

My overly analytical self was also warmed to know he was not mine. :) Where once there was hopelessness about moments passed and despair at the loneliness that consumes the "love" section of my heart, there is now hope. The people cast aside (or um, who have cast me aside) would not have fulfilled that spot. I fear I would have again been disappointed by the falling short or total unrealization of the aspirations I have of my love, my forever and my marriage and family-to-be. There is hope that there is still hope for the realization of my ideals and aspirations. Since I am in a Boston Legal state of mind, I thought I'd close with a view from my favorite of the characters (although Denny does make me laugh). Please take the senitment and not the actual wording (since he's male speaking of a female and I'm me and a female, so I'd be speaking of a male). To Mad Cow and hope.


Denny Crane: Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree?
Alan Shore: I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out.

- Song by Steely Dan