The rain is a strange phenomenon. I understand the actuality of it - dust particles in the clouds which accumulate moisture, etc. etc. until they're saturated and release the moisture onto the Earth. But the parts of it I don't understand are the physiological and emotional aspects rain creates. Why is it rainy days cause aching muscles, joints, and emotions?

Today has been a day full of what-ifs and coulda-shoulda-woulda. I was reading a book about a Psychologist who helps sovle murder cases and I began thinking...I wonder what would've happened had I stayed at Salisbury and finished my Psych degree? Just that one little question led to infinite possibilities. If I had stayed, it would've meant one more year (or at least a semester) in Salisbury. Then maybe on to a Master's degree. Who knows where I could've ended up.

I began contemplating a conversation Mike and I had in June of last year. We were on our way home from a whirlwind Northeast Randy Wolf tour :) and began a conversation about chosen paths. Mike believes (the general gist) life is just one big choose-your-own adventure book. Perhaps, there are major crossroads in our lives we are meant to reach, but how we get there is up to us. Would I have ended up in Greensboro eventually anyway? Or maybe wherever I am about to end up I would've ended up there sooner had I taken a "faster" route. Or...maybe this IS the fast route. (Heaven help me if it is!!)

I often wonder if Neil was a major crossroad, or just a consequence of taking the "road less traveled by". Was I detined to meet him no matter what page I turned to? Or was he one of those "extra" pages you get when you take a certain path before you reach the way the story ends? (And if he's an extra page, how come he keeps showing up on consequent pages? Maybe it's me and I keep making him appear there, or maybe there's a reason. I've always been told I overanalyze things. Can you see it? ;) ) Or maybe he is how the story ends, whatever ending that might be.

i've been wondering about the things on the way. The things I would've missed. And some of them, I definatly (i hate spelling that word) could have done without. I could've done without the "character building" rumors during my time in the training room. Or my dealings with Chris, Bridget, James and Christy. but, I would've missed meeting some wonderful people - like Mike, Kristina, Mark and his family, Dan and his, Jack and Diane and their respective families, and countless other athletes I met and think about often...wondering how their lives are and what they're doing now. Does what I could have done without override what I would have missed?

There are many points I looked at today (my poor little mind has been busy) and over the last couple of months and wondered the same types of things. What if I hadn't gone to Salisbury? (This is really never an option question, b/c I never felt like this was much of a decision. I didn't have much help finding colleges and once I saw SSU, I liked it. I felt at home. I never question this decision when playing "what-if" with my life) *What if I had quit athletic training my sophmore year to concentrate on Psych. like I wanted to? *What if I had married Ryan and my life played out as he had it planned? I would've gotten a job as a high school athletic trainer while Ryan went to Grad school at Rowan or in Philly somewhere. We would've lived in Pitman (his hometown and about 35-40 minutes from Marlton) and eventually had two or three kids. I'm sure I would've been happy. As they say, Ignorance is bliss. I never would have known better and so life would be blissful. What if I hadn't let myself get involved with Neil? I could have just followed my gut instinct (esp. knowing what I did about him) and avoided him b/c he was my ex-rommate's ex-boyfriend. We could have remained friends, or just drifted apart after she moved away. What if I had waited to register for my first semester Grad School classes until I met with my actual advisor? Would I still have had to drop nutrition, and thus change degrees, ending up doing an internship with Scott and staying in GSO another year to be with Neil, meet Mike, and work for Mark? is there anyway to tell which are the big crossroads and which are side ones?

The two I've marked with astriks are the big ones for me lately. What would life be like if I had a background to do something? If my resume looked...well, genereally resume-able. If my educational background looked on paper as if it would be transferrable to business and life "in the real world"? And what about if it didn't? If the real world I knew was training, kids, and my husband? (Um...and in-laws. Knowing them, they'd be there all the time! :) ) What if at 27 I really had the life I've always wanted?

A friend of mine is going through a rough time. Family stuff. She's a strong woman, very self-reliant and as we are reluctant to "ask" for help. Even with our closest friends it's hard sometimes to open up and risk the feeling like a burden, especially when our friends lives aren't so great themselves. At the time when she needs him most, her boyfriend is right by her side. He's starting to learn (took alot of training and heartbreak on both their parts, but they've got it pretty worked out.). He knows that sometimes all she needs is for him to be there. Not to have answers or even say anything at all, but just to hug her, or put his arms around her, or make her tea and tuck her into bed. Friends are the best, we tell them everything (sometimes more than they EVER wanted to know!), but having that one person on whom you can completely let your guard down is rare. Most of the time (and I'm not saying always) for women, it is men. More than they know, they are our touch stone. Just that little hug - the gesture of security and being taken care of - rejuvinates us to carry on; to remain strong. It helps to know that we can rely on them without saying a word or feeling like a burden to them. (Historically, we as women feel the need to take care of everyone. To nurture them and take away their pain without ever revealing or burdening them with ours.) In my own heart I am torn. I love her and want nothing more than to be "replaced" (for lack of a better term, knowing full well it is not replaced at all) by someone who can give her the strength I cannot. Who can love her and take care of her in a way I know she needs and I want so desperately for her to have. I couldn't have handpicked a better "stone" (touchstone) for her if I'd tried. But I envy what she has found with him. (Note: to you - and you know who you are - it's what keeps me from "remembering" the bad times the two of you had b/c the now is so much better than the then.) And I miss it. Things with Neil weren't great (as all of you know and have heard over and over), and I wanted so much more than what was currently there (but not more than what could've been there had we tried it), but he did that for me. If I said I needed him, he was there. If he knew I needed him, he was there. And unlike me, he never reminded me of all the times he was there for me, or threw it back in my face. He never asked questions, knowing I would revel whatever it was I wanted to talk about in my own time. And it seems he knew what to do to make me feel better, whether it was wings and beer, steak and mac and cheese, or just a little kiss in the kitchen while we were making dinner or putting his arm around me at night. It always made me feel better. (And, just for Karen's pending arguement that maybe Neil was a lesson and I have to take away from it that this type of thing in relationships does exist, etc.,etc. Maybe you're right, but i think it's one hell of a cruel joke to give it to you to teach you a lesson and then rip it away. Even if you will find it again but better. how are you supposed to know what's coming AND Can't you learn lessons from things that stay and end happily? I don't think Aesop should have a hand in writing life tales! :) )

It this understanding I think I would've missed with Ryan. We didn't have it. It's easy to see that now. I don't think much would've changed had we married. Maybe I would have. Maybe I still would've had a career-life crisis, but this time with kids and a husband.

I still contemplate my athletic training decision. If I had quit when I was in college, what would I be? Would I have stayed in the Psych field? Perhaps, like so many Psych majors in the world, I would've ended up doing something completely different. Maybe not getting my Master's at all, but working in banking or something. Or maybe I'd be working on a PhD and developing some new drug to cure depression or something. Maybe (Kare and Amy) I would've ended up like Dr. Miller ( ;) ) dancing on desktops and teaching in a college.

I'm pretty sure that all the what-if-ing in the world won't change the way life is. And I'm pretty sure I'll never get answers to what could've been because it's not and therefore will never be (am I beginning to sound like a Led Zepplin song). And no matter what should been, it's not, but that doesn't mean figuring out what's gonna be gets any easier. Because I guess we never get to find that out until it's what could've been.