Well, I'm off to Virginia Beach this weekend for an MAATA convention...and a little soul searching. Gotta figure out what to do next, as my temp job ended today. The president of the company I was temping for called me into his office today to compliment my performance over the past 3 weeks and offer his services in helping me "find my way" into a future career or job. Both he and his wife are the sweetest people ( a little intimidating as he is a former principal and I've NEVER been in a principal's office! :) ). It's pretty amazing how attached you can get to people after only 3 weeks. I am looking forward to my meeting with him, but I guess going into a potential mentor with a list of things you don't wanna do, but not a clue as to what you want to do is no help! So, I'm back to square one...where I was 5 months ago.

Speaking of 5 months...I can't believe how different my life is after 5 months. If I think back to a year ago, I was getting ready to meet my mom and Aunt Lois in Charleston and all the trauma and heartache I endured getting constantly pushed aside for other women (by Neil for Christy - which to this day my aunt Lois STILL can't understand! and just once by Mike for Cheryl - given his phenomeonal choice in women post-Cheryl, I may actually forgive him on Kristina's merit alone! :) For those of you who haven't met her, she's marvelous and suited well for Mike!). I had alot of friends and a job. It's amazing how those things change.

Going back even further, I was reminescing about prior trips for MAATA conferences to VA Beach. Ahh..College. Going with a group of SSU collegues, dancing, singing (for those of you who know Wayne...can you imagine anything less?!?!?), learning...life had a purpose. I was gonna be a trainer. Did I necessarily always want to do it? No, but I always knew I would. I knew where I was headed...knew what life had in store. There was a great deal of security and happiness in having a road to travel on.

So, in going backward I am posed with a question...have I really "progressed"? Is where I am in life better than where I was? And what have I learned? Is "progress" really "progressing"?

I remember a trip I took with James, our assistant A.T. (now the head ATC in GSO) to Chapel Hill for a tennis match. We talked a little about Ryan. (You all remember him, don't you? Some closer to my mom may remember him more "fondly" as Swamp Thing) James asked me what I had learned from the whole relationship. I couldn't think of one thing. Apparently, somethhing positive has to come out of bad situations. Ever since that night I have racked my brain trying to think of what I learned in that situation. After this whole fiasco with Neil, I have hindsight on the Ryan thing. It took the fiasco to fianlly teach me my lesson from Ryan. (if I keep learning at this rate, I'm NEVER gonna get anywhere! :) ) "Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it."

(A little Ryan/Neil comparison for those who don't know one or the other...for those who do, Pass Go. Do not collect $200. Do not relieve the ugliness. :) Alright Ryan: Got together in June/July, it was sort of a meld from friendship to dating with no clear definition, he told me he loved me Christmas Day, parents thought we were getting too serious, he broke up with me after a month of weekend fighting on my g-parents 50th wedding anniversay, March 1st. 2 weeks later he was dating one of my softball players {who also had a boyfriend long-distance}. She made sure I knew ever aspect of her relationship with Ryan while maintaining her loving girlfriend act with everyone else for her long-distance man. I didn't handle it well - for about 3 months until Ryan came back. Things went on and off until the lightbulb went on after Christmas my first year at Grad school. Only talked to him 2ce since. Now Neil: Neil was the boyfriend of the girl I moved in with upon arriving in GSO. She moved to Tenn. Neil and I remained close. He dated his secretary {wench} and we were good friends. I became friends with her. Neil and I sepnt alot of time together. He was still holding on to my ex-roommate, so he and Wench broke up. {Mind you, lets figure out who picked up the pieces when he cried, punched walls over the ex-roommate, and fought in public places with the wench. I went running, was "forcefully cuddled" by a stranger, Neil and I grew closer - sort a friendship into a relationship meld. Wench moved in with Neil b/c they both needed roommates. Wench still wanted Neil and even though she told him nothing between he and I would change if she moved in, she thought we were too close. Began making him uncomfortable at home. I told Neil I loved him before Christmas. He began giving into her, not sticking up for me and spending less time with me to "ease" his tension at home. December he told me they were "dating" {normal people call it living together...but hey, whatever.} and he wanted to reamin friends b/c he loved me, "just not that way". I didn't handle it well. January I moved home. Every once in awhile I get an email from him, but only if I send one first.

So, here I sit. Am I really progressing? At 19 I knew what I wanted to do and where my life was headed (silly girl!). I was happy and content and secure. I felt as though I could do anything and "fry it up in a pan" :) . All I had to do was want it badly enough and it could be mine. Life was wonderful. At almost 27, I have no clue what I want to do and have no clue where my life is headed. No happy, no content, no secure - because in life there are no guarantees. At any minute everything you have could be snatched away and turn your nice paved road, into chunks of pavement that leads nowhere. I now know I cannot do anything. Or maybe, the boundries and obstacles that stand in the way of "anything" and what I am and am not willing to do or am and am not good at/cut out to do (for those of you who have ever looked at my check register or watched me balance my checkbook, you know accounting is NOT my God chosen career path! :) ) And, sometimes wanting and fighting is not enough to make it so. Especially when there is another human being fighting in the opposite direction. It is very hard to have a conversation with someone who doesn't return calls. AND, it is very hard to believe someone loves you when you bare your deepest emotions to them and they turn away. Life is anything but wonderful.

So, is this progress? It feels as though I must be moving backward. Then, some little voice mentions that sometimes in life you must move backward to go further forward. But how far back, and how many "doomed to repeat it"s, must we go through to go forward? Does being unstable and unsecure set the foundation for insuring stability and security in the future? And how do we keep the drive to continue moving at all if we can't see the potential which lies ahead? How do we know we are moving backward to go forward and not just moving backward?

The things I saw in Neil are not the same things I saw in Ryan. Ryan was strong into family and friends. We enjoyed the same music, doing the same things. We had many common interests. We enjoyed each others company and never wanted to be apart. My mom said once, at Jill's graduation after the whole Kristen thing and we were trying again, that she could see in his eyes when he looked at me how much he cared for me and that awhat she wanted for me was someone who looked at me that way everyday.

Neil, on the other hand reminded me of my father. The first things I noticed about him were his great sense of humor, ability to always be center of attention, how people just drew to him, and the little sparkle in his eye at certain things. As I got to know him I realized we shared similar beliefs on family, friends, and God. We held the same vales dear in ourselves, co-workers and loved ones. A similar work ethic and focus on what we wanted from the future (as individuals). In addition, he was kind, caring, dedicated, liked similar music (even though he's MUCH worse at naming the artist of songs than I am. :) ) and had very similar quirks to me.

What I have realized about both of them is they were selfish. I don't mean that derrogatorily. They are both very concerned about themselves and their feelings above and beyond anyone else. When I attended my mom's cousin's son's wedding, the father of the bride (who was also the minister) said, "I asked Jenny how she knew Kevin was the one and she said, 'Because he puts me first'." It made me cry. I don't know what it's like to have someone put me first. Maybe that's what I needed to realize. (Don't know what good it's gonna do me...after this last fiasco, what I've learned is I have great taste in men with potential, who will realize it with someone else-and therefore, will be avoiding a 3rd lesson in anything having to do with men.)

So, is this progress? Well...maybe the men thing. ;)