Alright...this will be quick, since I'm at work...but it's the only keyboard I've got that's functioning normally! :) Well, it's not the keyboard's fault at home...the whole computer is getting ready to go Ka-put any time now. Bad Computer battery...among other issues.

Anyway, so back to the female thing (fun for you guys, I know). Anyway, the Dr. put me back on my B.C. hormones...which everyone at home (including me) is THRILLED (sarcasm) about! I;d say I've been very typical mood-swing woman except for the fact the only two moods I'm having are severely annoyed/angry and sad/"blue". For either good or bad, the annoyed/angry one wins out most of the time. Lucky me, huh? (Yes, it's even annoying me. So far I've lost a couple pairs of "favorite" clothes b/c they don't fit and rather than being rational about it...I get angry and toss them in the trash. I hope SOMETHING fits, otherwise, I'll be naked soon! ;) ) Aim, if you feel like this...I'M SO SORRY!

So, anyway...I also wanted to elaborate on the ice cream thing I mentioned earlier (see Blind Date Blog). I wanna know why I attract either Vanilla or Rocky Road? I was telling Jill Thursday night at the Yankees game (after spending Wed. at "the Phils" Place) that I want someone who's a little Tin Roof Sundae Cone. (Like me...) Not all vanilla- has got a little chocolate, fun and is a little nuts. Should that be so hard to find? I was trying to figure out the perfect ice cream flavor to describe me...yep...you guys are getting homework. Let me know all YOUR Ice Cream flavors (and why) and I'll send the list around to everyone who reads the blog (namely, Trish, Kare, Amy...and maybe a few others...I'll know you're reading when you respond! :) )

Which brings me somehow to my poor lone goose. O.k. Now, before you guys mention it...Jill has already told me I'm nuts, so it's well-covered ground. See...I was driving to work one day when I notcied a Canadian Goose standing in the field by itself. (I figured it's a male...and I'll get to why later.) I felt bad. It's mate was no where in sight...and neither were any signs of a "gaggle". (not herd, as was the first thing to come to my mind! :) ) So either it has no mate or (more than likely) something happened to its mate. I felt bad for it all day. So, I looked on the way home and alas...there was the goose. Now, I keep thinking it's a male goose. The reason is because when I have seen the geese in gaggles (we have tons by the lake in our development), the male geese are always standing near the street, looking out at the cars and all around, as if to protect the gaggle while the children and females eat. The Protectors. Well, this poor lone goose was doing just that, except instead of protecting other geese, he was just wandering around looking lost and sad trying to protect geese that were no longer there.

I was sad, so I called Jill to expound upon how upset I was at the lone goose with no mate or gaggle. Jill, who couldn't believe I was calling her at 5:30 at night to tell her about a lone goose in the field near work that I wanted to kidnap and bring to our lake so it would have a gaggle to look over, proceeded to tell me that geese don't have feelings and he probably doesn't know he's alone. Somehow, this did NOTHING to comfort me about the poor goose. This is not the first time I have displaced human feelings on to unhuman things - like stuffed animals, food, silly lamps and cows in IKEA commercials, etc. Then came the day I walked into the kitchen and saw Neil fighting furiously with a seemingly empty bag of frozen vegetables. When I asked what he was doing, he said, "There's one lima bean left in there. I can't leave him there when all his other friends are in the pot." It was all I could do not to #1 laugh and #2 fight the urge to hug and kiss him! But, back to the goose....

So, I drove to work the next day and the goose was gone. I was happy, but hesitant. On my way home from work, the goose was still gone. Yea! I thought.Maybe he found a gaggle...headed off to a better life that wandering lost around a field all alone. Sadly, the goose was back today. All snuggled up in the grass, with just his head perring around like a periscope. Just in case worth moving for something came along. Do you think they have animal conservationists (or bunny-huggers, as dad calls them) who know alot about geese who I could call to come move the goose to a place with friends and maybe even a mate? Poor Goose. If you guys only knew how heartbroken I am about the poor thing....(although some could say I'm displacing my feelings onto the goose, but hey...it's a story, go wherever your little mind takes you! :) )

Last little tidbit before I log off here to fake work for another 30 minutes until I can go home...Our friend Cara got engaged just before our going away party for her Friday night and I feel like such a sh*t! (Can I say that here?) Anyway, I tried SO hard to be happy for her. And really, I am. Just sometimes, well it gets overshadowed by those jealous and insecure feelings pertaining to myself. It was all I could do not to cry or wretch everytime Trish got excited about her being engaged and planning a wedding around the same time as her. (Insert here the comment Trish made to Cara about how they always said they'd be getting married at the same time, and how I couldn't help but think we'd always said that too. And here it was, coming true for them and putting a bigger "space" between Trish and I, in terms of actual life happenings. Which is kind of weird since we'd always been pretty much parallell in those things. _Think of it like a set of twins where one succeeds while the other fails.) Then, looking around the table I realized that of the 10 people there, 5 were engaged, 1 was married and pregnant and 4 of us were single. I wondered if any of the other 4 were feeling the stab of "outsiderness". And I realized that of all my close friends only 3 are not married yet, but 2 are engaged (Trish and Jerm) and one is just waiting to until "closer" (Mike). So, I guess my problem is, what do you talk to them about now? Not houses, 'cuz I don't own one - not men, 'cuz they've got one (or women, where applicable) - not job hunting woes, 'cuz they are pretty non-existent for my friends too - and how does "bad rat stink in my office, or guess what we did in yoga today" compare to the milestones in their lives? Or even worse, can you really b*tch (can I say that?) to your married, etc. friends about a bad time in your life, when they are at an ecstatic place in theirs? Do they really want to hear about you? Or care? It's hard to feel as thought the people you loved and shared the most with are slipping away and there's nothing you can do to get them back. (Or to "catch up")

Then, I quickly jumped to the fact that my old roommate Chris is getting married in less than a month. Somehow, that is odd too. It's hard to be truly happy for her when the whole relationship seems like a sham. (Although I have other issues with her. I know I wasn't a good friend to her. I've dealt with that. And she was good to me... until Neil and I became "public" at which point she took EVERY conversation she and I had and relayed it to Christy - which Christy, of course took advantage of, so there are hard feelings.) I guess I never understood how you can hang out with someone and not be interested, then all of a sudden submerge yourself in that relationship b/c there is nothing else around, and, after 6 months move in with them. But, maybe I'm wrong there too. Maybe Green Cards and Desperation aside, they really are in love and happy. It's hard to believe it's been 2 1/2 years since I've been gone. Alot can change - people and circumstances - in that amount of time.

Any case, that's been the week/weekend. I've granted Vanilla a phone call tomorrow and will probably go out with him again either this week or next. But, not to fret, I don't think I've hit the point where being with anyone is better if they don't fit than being alone. And quite honestly, being alone is getting more and more comfortable. I am spending Friday at my aunt's house helping her with a menu she WAY over elaborated (but don't get me started) b/c I was volunteered by my mom to help out with food for our family reunion on Saturday. Other than that, I'm just hoping to spend enough time in the gym to work off estrogen meanies and all the "eating for 6" I've been doing! :) I hope you guys all have a great post-Lent week! (which reminds me...I successful gave up sex for the 3rd year in a row! YEA ME! But, maybe that means eventually I should try "refraining" from something that's actually a challenge. :) )

" If you are patience in one moment of anger,
You will escape a hundred days of sorrow."
--- Chinese Proverb ---