I HATE teen shows! Just thought I'd start there. Just got done watching Felicity. I kinda liked it and kinda didn't. So....

For those of you who don't watch Felicity, I'll give you a basic premise, so you'll understand. The show began when Felicity trekked across country to follow her high school crush, Ben. Lots of stuff happened in the middle...including her best friend, Noel. The last couple weeks we've been edging toward their college graduation. Ben and Felicity got engaged; Ben found out he was gonna be a father, by a woman, Lauren, he had a one-night fling with while he and Felicity were "on a break"; Lauren decided to move to Arizona; Ben decided to follow Lauren and his son, Andrew; Felicity decided she couldn't do it and went home to California. At the end of the show tonight, they show Felicity 6 months later in medical school at Stanford writing a letter to Ben. Then, Ben shows up, tells Felicity he just enrolled and has convinced Lauren to move to California as well, because "it was his turn" to follow her.

I cried. If you guys haven't figured it out yet...I cry alot. This really baffles me because #1 people shouldn't cry this much and #2 I HAVE NOT EVER cried this much and certainly not over stupid things like t.v. shows (or commercial, or songs on the radio, or thoughts in my head)...NEVER. (And for you who lived through Ryan...I don't think I cried like this, as often, for as long, with such a profound effect on the other areas of my life...like watching t.v.) All that said, here's my thoughts for the night...(OH my..."Straight Tequila Night" just came on the t.v./radio. Wow! )

I never used to watch Felicity. The idea of trekking your life across country for a guy you had a crush on, but nothing else seemed a ridiculous notion. I knew people DID it, but I was not one of those people. I mean, how desperate! To some extent I guess I still feel that way. When Neil asked me to move to Atlanta with him, I would've gone in a heartbeat. (He didn't end up going) No questions asked. Just picked up and left; but I always had the plan to live in my own place and not move until I had a job. That said, I completely understand when, at the end of the show, Felicity said to Ben before they parted, "All day all I've been thinking is 'Follow Ben'...and I think I would follow you anywhere." I would have. Life without Neil seemed worse a thought than leaving a low-paying job I liked and the little friends I had remaining to move to a new place with him. I couldn't imagine life without him. And I would've followed him anywhere, because wherever he was, to me, felt like home. (I don't think I could've explained it then, but I know now.)

Another cutsie phrase they used often was the old..."If it was meant to be, it'll be" phrase. I've decided whoever coined that one was definately a Type B personality. This may sound funny coming from a girl who's spent the last 6 or 7 months doing pretty much nothing, but HOW can you just lay you life in the hands of fate/destiny/God, etc. and just hope things work out? I guess when it comes to faith, my thoughts are oxymoronic. If you asked me if I believe in any of the above, I'd say yes without hesitation. Do I believe in them where my life is concerned? Hard to say. I believe God controls our life. (Apparently this is a Baptist thing.) That no matter what I do God has my life in his hands. Almost like a judge, deciding what to throw in my life at any given moment. That said, I also feel if I fight hard enough for what I want it'll be rewarded. Lately, I guess I feel as though there is no fate or destiny and, while I still pray even night (more like a conversation), I feel as though "meant to be" doesn't equate with happiness. (not happiness and getting what I want...just happiness) God, I have always been taught, hurts when we hurt and eases suffering if he is asked, but after 6 months I have begun to question him on this one. I am not the most patient person in the world, but I don't know that waiting for "my plan" would be so hard if there was some glimmer of hope it would get better than this.So, I spend my emotions fighting and caring. It may seem like swimming with all your might against the current or speeding in the wrong direction, but at least you are DOING something. This sitting idely around until "the time is right" and it's "meant to be" SUCKS! It seems like very rarely in T.V. show called life does Ben come back, Felicity finds "her calling", and things have happy endings.

Now, on a less emotional level. The medical school things seems interesting to me. How come when people don't know what to do with their life, they go back to school? I must admit I've been thinking about it alot. I would love to be an ER doctor. I've said it since my Senior year in college. I can't really think of a better job for a humanitarian Type A personality. You have adreneline, control, and a purpose. I have a knack fro thriving in pressure situations. I enjoy helping people and making them feel better. After the dreamer part of me gets done...I jump into rationale. Med school IS SCHOOL! I am NOT a real good student. Bright, yes. Non-ADD, no. It has always been hard for me to sit and read dry, scientific stuff. I think of 20 million things I could do instead, my mind wanders SO easily (and I have a terrific imagination). I always did well going to classes and hands-on. It's not like this has been a lifelong dream I'm working towards, just a facination combined with things I'm good at. (obviously, English and ending sentances in prepostions are not it! ;) ) Plus, for those of you who knew me pre-lifecrisis...I LOVE to sleep! Those residencies and intern years would KILL me! Then you add in the 7 years of school and MOUNDS of debt; is it worth it to try out something I THINK I might be good at. I'd be 33 before I got out! Ancient! :) I HAVE been looking at jobs within the hospital so I could try it out. (I can't afford right now to volunteer, or I would. Maybe soon, though.) I tried rationalizing this one night. If I could afford it and KNEW (better than an annoying haunting) by 28, I could still be done by 35. Maybe...but it seems like alot to get into for a 26/7 year old.

O.k. It's probably appropriate "Movin' On" just came on for this part. I don't understand why Felicity was so sad at the prospect of college graduation. Maybe it was my lack of outpouring of emotion (that I've become so good at lately), but I don't remember being sad. (Hey Kare...do you think it's my denial factor? :) ) My friends in the A.T. program graduated 2 years before me. My roommate (I had 2 at the time, but one friendship was on the rocks b/c of my kitchen habits) and one of my best friends graduated a year ahead of me. And when I graduated, I knew I was headed to N.C., while my college friends were mostly staying in MD. I think part of it was that I knew where I was headed (I'll get to that later). I was excited about "Moving on". I was headed to a new town, to meet new people, with all sorts of wonderful possibilities in front of me. Why should I be sad? And all the people who moved on with me and before me? I was excited for them. They were going on to great things. This was the plan when we came to college - 4years, then off into "life". You don't create bonds like the ones I had with these people and just let them dissipate. I KNEW they would always be there. Whether it was an everyday phone conversation or email or 3 months down the road because I needed them, or they needed me. More and more I think it was the going towards something and the idea of possibilities. When I left Greensboro, I left most of me there. I remember packing. With everything I wrapped I cried. Despite the heartache and lonliness there, it was my home. I had "put down roots" , I had some friends, and most of all, it was where I lived. The day I left I couldn't even looking Mike in the eye. I knew I would start crying like a baby and I didn't want to do that. He leaned over to hug me and said, "You are gonna be alright" God, how I wish I believed that. I knew where I was headed...and I didn't like it. I wasn't headed toward something, I was running from something. And I had no possibility. What would I do there? The rude people, no sweet tea, no baseball outside my window, no leaving my bathroom to turn black if I wanted to...people have a tendancy to get "stuck" here, so I knew coming back was not right, but what were my options? Neil used to say, when I was frustrated and said maybe I'd just go home, "Jenn, you'd be miserable if you went back to Jersey. This is your home." He was right...on both accounts. It's hard to leave somewhere/something that's yours for the nothingness that lies ahead.

The last one is kind of ironic. I called a friend of mine on my way home tonight and she told me a friend of hers was getting married. Not only was it to a girl he'd been dating for only 6 months, but she had a 5 year-old son. Then, Felicity has to deal with a similar situation. I understand people do this alot, but I don't think I could. If it was my second marriage, maybe, but not for my first. I am a very selfish person. Not so much in the things I do, or the way I feel generally about people, but I need to have my "alone" things. The idea of sharing my "new" husband with a woman to whom he had ties because of a child would take alot of convincing. I want to start "our" life together as just that...our life. Not one with the constant interruption of "her". And, given my present state of mind, to know that he could at any time walk away from me, but she would always be part of his life because of their child. I want to start free and clear with as many minimal distractions as possible and not have to "fight" with another woman for the "interest" of my husband. Maybe that's not explained well, but I think you all get the jist.

The next 4 episodes of Felicity are going to be interesting. It shows Felicity with Ben and then focuses on what she wishes she'd done different in those 4 years. If only, in hindsight, we could go back and change the decisions we've made which bring us to where we are today. And would the change necessarily be for the better?

Well, in a non-T.V. related train of thought, I got my car inspected today. It took 3 people to scrape the N.C. Inspection Sticker off my car. And now, all that remains are some old registration papers and memories. :)

My "boss" took the whole office to lunch today...in Pitman. This is where Ryan used to live. I've been thinking about him alot since I've moved back. He is supposed to graduate this May with his doctorate. I haven't seen or talked to him since Mardi Gras 2000. He's was bald then; shaves his head to keep it from being as obvious. It's funny to look back and wonder where we'd be if we really had lived "his dream" and gotten married. I'm sure I'd be a high school trainer in the Pitman area with 2 or 3 kids and perfectly happy. I wouldn't have known any better than what I had, and it would've been enough. Now that I know, I look back and know if you dropped ME (now) into then I wouldn't have been happy. Someone, please remember this, so in 10 years when I, hopefully, look back on now I know if I'd stayed in N.C. I wouldn't be happy. :)

Sorry Mame, no Carrie Bradshaw questions today. Maybe tomorrow. Now, I gotta get to bed. The spots under my eyes are feeling a bit moist. :) I hope you all have a good day!