I've been thinking all day about what to write. I got nothin! So, I'm just gonna write...we'll see where it leads. I always thought "brainstorming" when they had us do it in English class was stupid, but here I am years later, doing just that.

My mom, sister, Aunt Jane, cousin Joanna, grandmom and I went to my other cousin Rachel's Bridal Shower. I was not looking forward to this for many reasons. First, we had to drive in one car 1 1/2 hours. Second, driving anywhere with my mother is an adventure. She asks questions she doesn't expect anyone to answer, when she does expect you to answer she doesn't listen to you and then asks everyone else for THEIR answer then does what she was gonna do anyway, AND she's not very organized.(I've decided my patience for unorganized people when there is NO rational reason for being unorganized is VERY short.) Third, the other side of Rachel's family (and to some extent Rachel herself) are very different from us.

The shower was from 2-5pm and a surprise. to MY surprise, I thoroughly enjoyed our trip. I enjoyed the company and even the shower itself. Jill pretty much monopolized the conversation in the car. Once we got to the shower, my Aunt Jane and I got to talk about...well, mostly wedding stuff, but it was very nice. I don't get to talk to her often. My Aunt Jane and Uncle Albert (my mom's "little" brother) have 6 kids. They live fairly close to us, and right around the corner from my grandparents. It seems like we're always getting together for one reason or another, but when you throw 14 people - ages 80 something to 7 in one house, you rarely get to talk one-on-one with another person for any length of time to actually FEEL like a visit. I have always liked my Aunt Jane and I enjoyed the time we got to talk at the shower. We actually made a tentative date for the 5 of us (grandmom might not be up for it) to go shopping soon.

I also enjoyed watching Rachel open her gifts. I was worried about how my ever unpredicatible emotions would react. However, I was filled with genuine happiness for everything Rachel got and that she and Tim and found each other. It also reminded me I'm gonna cry like a baby at their wedding. :)

These feelings, as expected became bittersweet. The Neil emotions hit later that night, but between the exhaustion and the allergy meds., I was out like a light fairly quick. ;) Unfort., they have yet to go away. I keep trying to figure if I miss him for him or just for someone. The more I think about it, the more I realize it is missing him for him. Not so much the listening to him complain about his day, or how bad his life was, or the way he, in these moments, made me feel as if I didn't count. I miss him for the way he understood what I was feeling or how I was thinking. I miss him for the fact I could come home from a bad day at work and he'd make it better. Sometimes, just seeing his face smile at me made it better. He'd crack a joke, smack me playfully on the arse, or suggest going out to eat, which was always the best b/c minus the waiter or waitress, I didn't have to compete with his friends calling or stopping by, his roommate (esp. the succubus one), recruits calling, or the t.v. I got him all to myself for an entire meal! And it would always start with, him asking me about me. I remember the day I was fighting with my mom long-distance and he called. I snapped at him on the phone, which was uncharacteristic for that time in our "relationship", and he grabbed lunch and came right over. When he walked in, I felt instantly better and couldn't even remember what I was so upset about. :) It's these things...especially lately, when I feel so bad most of the time, that I miss him even more.

Well, the weekend ended too soon. Sunday was awful b/c I felt I had to cram 2 days of relaxing into 1 day (well, actually I'd been so exhausted from the previous week, it was a 1/2 day). I wonder if this would be different if I actually enjoyed work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the people (even though the office manager is VERY unorganized and everyone is overworked and stressed trying to reach a deadline) and the basic idea of the company, but copying, filing, data entry...just not my thing. So, I got grudgingly to work each day and the nights don't last long enough. I'm sure alot of working people feel this way, but this is my first experience. :) I loved working for Scott. I was busy some days, and bored stiff other, but I knew I "my role". I knew I could straighten thing, or change things, or spend all day looking for fun sound bites to put on my computer b/c I was part of the office. And they knew me. I miss that too. Most days I think made a mistake coming home.

Well, here's where we ended up. Dad is making dinner tonight, so I get a one day reprieve. YEA! For as much as I love to cook...my heart's just not in it tonight. Tomorrow night...Salmon Cakes! (Yes, Kare...I haven't gotten around to making them yet. Dad doesn't eat salmon and.....OH, remind me to tell you later in this Blog....he won't be here tomorrow night.)

Alright...it's later...WE in this house believe terrorists will hit NYC tomorrow. There have been rumors it will be sometime this week and since Dad is gonna be in NYC tomorrow...we think it will be then and there. You all know his knack for being wherever the action is! :)

I hope everyone is having a good Spring. (rain, 90 degrees, more rain, 75 degrees) More from Jersey later in the week. :)