Hi Guys! Just wanted you to know I promised not to hate AJ for sending this to me....(it was part of an email)

11. Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.

I can't tell yet if this message was good or bad timing. :) Tonight is the annual Spartan Club banquet. I want to be there. I think my heart is there, but I'm not. I was invited, but I couldn't go. Don't get me wrong, I COULD have gone, watched Mike's games this weekend, worked at the Wine sale yesterday, sat tonight and ate dinner staring across the room at Neil and his ugly wife...but I couldn't go.

I've decided tonight I'm old-life sick. Kinda like being homesick, but I'm sick for more than home.This is spurred on by many things. Mostly revolving around...say it with me now...Neil. Usually, by June 3rd I'm racking my brain to find the perfect gift for his birthday in 8 days. I still have the four pictures of his temper tantrum to the umpire during a home game vs. Furman is a photo album upstairs in my room. It was one of his favorite presents. This year, I'm using all my self-control to not buy him or email him a birthday card. For the first time in 5 years, I'll get him nothing. Kinda like some of the presents he's gotten me in the years he's known me. I'm gonna miss it, but in the old way. I wouldn't want to be there now. Causing a fight between the newlyweds, celebrating his birthday while watching her bend over backwards playing happy homemaker and attached to his mom's side. I want to hang out with his friends, goof around with him, or calling and coming over to wake him up at 7a.m. just to open my presents b/c I'm so excited about them. (Almost got smacked the year I pulled that one! :) )

Tonight is also, as you know, the annual Spartan Club banquet. The last two years I organized it. It was alot of work, but the night was always fun. Last year was just exhausting. I was having dress issues, Neil showed up with Christy and, as usual stayed away from me for fear of intruding where he wasn't wanted (only in his mind would coming over and talking with me be unwanted; but I didn't go to him, so he didn't come to me), and with the addition of the auction, my nerves were on end. In my head, I can taste the food, hear the speech (bronze medalist guy from GSO), and see everyone all dressed up sitting in their cliques at the tables.

Yesterday was the annual Wine Warehouse Backyard Sale. this year, it was combined with Dan's going away party. When I began working at the Wine Warehouse, the staff consisted of me, Mark (the owner), Dan (the wine conisseur - but don't say that to his face! :) ), Scott (but only on Saturday),Lisa, and Sue. Sue got a "real job" and deserted us!...but we still loved her! :) Don't know what happened to Lisa, and everyone else was still there when I left. Dan's wife, Marianne got a job near Christina Delaware, so yesterday was his last day. I'm so excited! On one of my days off, I'm gonna try and hunt him down to go to lunch! :) But I miss Mark. I love Mark, Phyllis (his wife), and their kids Rachel and Noah. I miss seeing them every day. They were all such a comfort to me in the last couple of months before I left. I wanted to be there, but I couldn't.

Friday was Mike's debut as a head coach. Mike was offered a job Neil was offered the previous summer, but his boss told him he couldn't take. Mike was offered it this year and took it, with his boss' blessing. I was so excited for him! It will look great on his resume and is something he's always wanted. It also enabled him to stay in Greensboro this summer, close to Kristina. I told him I'm coming to visit. Gonna wear a white t-shirt with "Coach Kramer is My Hero" emblazened upon the front (or maybe the back!). I wanted to be there Friday, but I couldn't.

In the last couple of months, I think perhaps what AJ sent me is true. I think I have become what Neil thought of me. One night, after a series of phone calls, I was banging on his door. How dare he accuse me of something, get mad when I hang up b/c I DON'T care to hear him ramble on about his roommate, call back just to yell at me, then hang up on me when you're through! All started b/c of something I didn't even do! I was angry. Neil told me I was crazy. I began to cry. He really did think I was crazy.

Lately, so do I. I think my subconscious is overrunning my body. My nightmares are back. Stronger than ever. (probably not too uncommon with his b-day and everything coming up) Last night, I tried to hit him with a baseball bat when he told me he was getting married and instead broke down and cried while he laughed at me. Woke up with the poor pulse racing about 120 bpm and feeling like I was sleeping in a sauna (even though most of my sheets had been relegated to the floor and the a.c. and fan were on high. Poor family. I think they're catching colds! :) ). And even thought I'm living...getting up every day, doing stuff, I still find myself feeling that ache that lets me know how much I miss him. And alot more now than the past couple weeks, for some reason, I find myself crying at night before I can figure out why.

As George Strait says (and I don't like him as a rule), "There's a difference between Livin' and Livin' well". And I know I'm livin', I just keep waiting for the livin' well part. And, yes AJ, I am tryin'. There's just only so much tryin' a crazy person can do. :) 'Cuz everyday I get up and go to a job that's nothing I ever wanted to do, something only about 1/4 of me enjoys, and is way beneath what I'm capable of (everyone keeps telling me I gotta start somewhere, but I think what they forget is that I already started...just keep starting over lower and further from where the end is "supposed" to be - and h*ll if I can figure out what I want it to be); I come home every night to have to make dinner and even though I'm sitting in a house full of people, I am alone...just trying to fill the hours till night; Ahh...night - that time of day where my mind jumps up to remind me that everything I want independance, love, security, a job I enjoy (well, he sort of does), surrounded by friends is exactly what Neil has acheived since leaving you. So, maybe AJ's email quote was right. Maybe Living well is really the best revenge. At least one of us knows that feeling.