Hi everyone! Got back from Dallas in one piece. thought I'd let ya'll know. It was a pretty exhausting trip. Beside the fact I'm no longer 21 and not nearly in the drinking shape college produced, it was a very mental trip for me. Something happens when you go away to a reunion or visiting of old friends alone. I think it's even more mentally taxing hangin out with people you haven't seen in years and didn't always care to spend your time with when you were in the same place. That being said, how do you get together with people you spent a year or two together with and find things to talk about?

I flew to Dallas to renew my Continuing Education Credits (or CEU's) in order to keep my A.T. Certification. I'll never forget while studying for my Certification exam I said, "I am NEVER letting the certification lapse! I don't care if I'm 103 and not even practicing! I don't EVER want to take this stupid exam again!" So, I always promised I'd do it. It's nice to be able to go and catch up on old times. Unfort. this year, I only knew one person that was going and I was actually closer to one of his friends, so I didn't want to "cramp his space" by planning on hanging out with him. Turns out, my friend Penny was there, so there was someone I genuinely wanted to see and be with there. We weren't staying at the same hotel, but were together enough. she is friends with people I know, but never really had much in common with. Still, it was a great time! I am going to try and get a website to post pictures of some of the things I've done, so you all can see everyone.

Friday night was the Welcome reception. As I remember this used to be a dressy occasion, but apparently this time it was not. I ran into some people at registration who said they were going to the reception around 6, so I got dress and headed out to the shuttle. There, at the bus stop was Ryan. I was pretty confident he'd be there, but I don't think I was quite prepared to see him there. Anyway, he was with his girlfriend. It was a little akward moment, but only in my mind...not really one of those obviously akward things. They were sitting on the shuttle (bus) holding hands and with him rubbing her leg. It was strange. i didn't have the nagging feeling like I wanted it to be me with him, but more that feeling you get around PDA couples. Later that night, after a couple jaunts to different corporate sponsor parties we ended up at Bar Dallas and I was...dancing. (I think my mood lifted and reverted back to my senior year in college! :) Hey at least I was on the dance floor dancing...and just briefly under a Tequila bottle that was floating and dancing on the bar above my head! :) ) I noticed Ryan staring in our direction as our group of Salisburians were right next to the LSU Tigers (b/c one of our recent grads just began his Grad. Assistantship there) and thus, his girlfriend and I were in his direct vision. I remember being curious as to what he was thinking. And me thinking how different we were from those two who ingnited Fourth of July just by looking at each other. Here I was dancing around the floor looking either like those overaged out-of-place old people you see in bars, or (and probably closer to this one given the outfit anf the ponytail) like a 20 year-old in a bar on a fake i.d. enjoying every second; and there he was having a dignified drinking with his buddies looking like an old married man whose wife had too much to drink and is singing and dancing with the other wives. As I remember this was always Ryan's approach to social events, but usually I was the wife who'd had too much to drink. Sometimes, as a 20 year old, "acting" grown up and the epitome of what you picture a married couple to be like has appeal and stability. Not to mention the love that was obviously there.

Then I thought of Neil. (Mind you I'm sure all this thinking was taking place in split seconds...more like feelings than tangible thoughts, but time has a funny way of stopping and speeding up when altered by beer and tequila! :) ) Neil liked going out and having fun (at least the Neil I used to know. Who knows what he's morphed into). We did it alot. Out, dancing, drinking. He liked to dance but wasn't good and knew he wasn't good. I always liked the fact he did it b/c he liked it and he made me laugh just watching him glow like a 5 year-old who was showing their mom and dad they could ride a bike with no training wheel for the first time! :) Unfort. he liked being "out" too much, did it in excess and usually involved looking to pick up women. Ii loved his child-like attitude and love of life (some who knew him may argue he didn't love life, but the look in his eye at certain things was that child-like wonder and love of things). I also loved the fact I didn't have to hide things from him and that when I was with him I didn't ever feel that "what if" feeling about anyone else, there or in my past. I could joke around with him (and he with me) about exes and things we'd done with no harm, jealousy, or ill feelings.

But Friday night after a night of more drinking than I've done in over a year combined, I was thinking about him before I fell asleep. The last thought I had was that his life with me would've been 10 times happier than it will ever be without me; and I'm glad that choice was his, b/c I don't think I could ever live with having thrown away that kind of happiness in my life. It was a very comforting thought and I remember thinking maybe I really am just coming to terms with it all. Not necessarily over him, realizing that I owe it to myself to move on with my life. Because maybe I will be able to find the "home" feeling again with someone else. And knowing that no matter how happy he thinks he is at any point, it's not as happy as he could've been.

So, I checked my email this morning and guess what? Two emails from Neil. He wrote Friday to harass me for not talking to him since So Con tournament (funny, but my phone hasn't been ringing, nor my email flashing with his name attached), and that he was gonna be in Philly for Carpenter Cup next week. When I didn't hear from him the day after his birthday, I figured he'd wait til the end of the week to make sure I had really forgotten and wasn't just late, then he'd get on me. Turns out I know him so well! :) I got another email from him yesterday saying he was sure I'd gotten his note from last week and had just chosen to erase him from my memory.

He wants to get together when he's in town. I'm not sure if I want to exactly...well, let me rephrase that, I REALLY want to see him, but I don't know that I should. I'm afraid. Afraid it'll hurt me all over again; afraid he'll tell me he's engaged; afraid he'll tell me he's not (and maybe say something about missing me); and I'm afraid all my anger, resentment, and hurt will come out. The last thing I want is for him to know I'm anything but fine. And until today, when I got that email, I felt fine. Better than I had in months...for just a few days. That doesn't mean that every night I didn't go to bed thinking about him, missing him, or crying over what happened...but that ache I had felt every day wasn't there. I still wanted him around, and everytime something happened wanted to share it with him.

I sat in a lecture talking about burnout and depression from your job and so much of what he said he phrased towards life in general. And I think he (gentleman from UCLA) did it on purpose. In addition to the Neil thoughts, feelings and revelations, I was "offered" (like hey, need a....I know of one. Let me know I'll fill ya in) 3 or 4 jobs while I was there. So, here's the question of the night.....when is going back to something that you left bad?

Think of this as a "Sex and the City" theme type thing. I did call Neil on his cell and leave him a message to call me when he gets to Philly. It gives me some stalling time. I DO really want to see him, but don't know if I should. These last few months have been torture on me, my friends, and family. Will seeing him do anything but keep me hanging on, or devestate me more? and i know, deep in my heart i want him so bad to miss me and realize the mistake he's made. What if he doesn't? The tug of Athletic Training is very strong at conventions. I always feel as though I've failed, esp. when people ask where are you? (Meaning where are you training?) It never seems as if it's because I chose to leave - wanted to see what else was out there, or that I could do, but that I couldn't cut it. Or maybe, it's that after all I went through between Salisbury and UNCG I feel as that even though I like it, and am good at it, maybe I'm not good at it as a profession.

So, is going backwards bad? Does it just set us back on the progress we've made since we left, or does it get us back on the right track from a detour we needed to appreciate it and it's place in our lives? What if going back only makes you see the mess you made and put behind you? And does being "where you're supposed to" have to cause so much heartache when the road ahead AND behind look just about as bleak? The gentleman from UCLA talked about taking risks and how we do everything in life because of payoffs and benefits. How do you know which road to chose when there's no payoff or benefit to either road? And how do you follow your heart, when it's broken? He went around the room asking all of us what we would do if we could do anything? The only thing I wanted was for him not to ask me! I've been asking myself that question for years to no avail. I still only come out blank. I can't say there's one thing (not even that anymore Kare) that makes my heart flip. Nothing that I wish for at night. Nothing. So how do you navigate life with no wishes or dreams to guide your forward and backward? And how can backward be bad, if the heart jumps just at the thought of doing it? The bad comes at the remembrence of why you left to begin with. But bad also comes at the prospect of not looking forward to forward, for fear it gets worse from here, because you didn't chose back there.