Super Bowls the last couple of years are significant dates in history for me. I never really remember the day, just that blah blah blah happened Super Bowl weekend.

Super Bowl, 2002

I moved home the Friday of this weekend. My old neighbor Adam drove the UHaul I rented because I had to get out of town and just could bear to be there another day. When everything I owned didn't fit in my dad's SUV (shock), I rented a UHaul, we packed it and left the next day. I cried the whole way home and the whole next day as I tried to unpack 5 years of living in an apartment into my old bedroom. Super Bowl Sunday my mom was away, my dad went to the bar he always goes to (Copperfield's) to hang out with his buddies and Trish and my sister sat in my new/old family room as the weight of my new life sunk in. (I have the best friends in the entire world, have I ever mentioned that before?) Adam Vittatari (?)'s field goal, Rich Gannon's forward pass debacle call should've been an adreniline rush...I hardly remember an emotion...that day or for a month or two after.


Super Bowl, 2003

I was in Target with my mom when my phone rang. It was Neil. He was at the Super Bowl in San Diego with his brother. Their two teams playing each other. He was thinking of me because he knew how much I loved Gruden and wanted to call. (I didn't answer the phone, but I know my mom knew it was him because I could feel my whole face light up.) Johnny Boy won and a slight smile crossed my face. Maybe the first one in a year.

I hardly remember Super Bowl 2004. Except that I know I wanted Carolina to win. I was homesick for my old pseudo-home. The game itself, not too exciting.

Now it's time for Super Bowl 2005. I've been in an excited Super Bowl-type frenzy as strangers on the street talk to one another and are happy and polite and all too eager to talk about our area's beloved Eagles.

Given my Super Bowl history, it's no wonder I get nostalgic and find it hard to believe this will be my 4th Super Bowl living in my old house in New Jersey. I've also been feeling that random twinge of sadness and missing Neil. I'm sure it's not all him but some combination of the ever-looming 30th birthday(why do people keep feeling the need to point this out to me? It's 6 months away for goodness sake! :) ), the coupled state of most people I know (including most all people I work with - who can't understand why I'm not with anyone. But another blog for another time, I guess) and the longing with in to share the bundled up love and joy I feel with another person. When I think of Neil, after the "are they engaged/married yet?" thoughts, I often wonder if he's happy. While I know he's not as happy as he could've been (or was) with me, I wonder if he's happier than I am with his life as a whole. I'm pretty sure his job now does not bring him as much joy as coaching and baseball - while mine is blissful despite the rough days, injuries, whiners, and general aches and pains of a job. It's tough some days to keep the smile from my face. Hard to know if my longing for love and blissful job balances out with his relationship and job. (I think about these things 'cuz I'm analytical. I'm female. We overanalyze. I've accepted this. No New Year's Resolution to change this. :) )

Last night, at Girls' Night with some friends we were talking about my panache for liking jerks. (Which is what a friend called my recent crush/not crush from work for something or other I forget exactly what.) It seems that whenever I get in this nostalgic/longing I listen to a couple songs from my old roommate, Karen. Below is the one I could listen to over and over and never get sick of hearing. It's funny how many old relationships of mine it applies to! I hope you all have a safe and enjoyable Super Bowl Sunday! GO EAGLES! :)

Smoke And Ashes - Tracy Chapman

I'd heard rumors and I'd heard talk
About the trail you'd left of broken hearts
About the sea of tears too wide to cross
But a little bad press has never scared me off
So I burned a path to figure out
How to get me some of what you got

I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your's is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

When I looked for you I almost passed you by
You were so cool and calm
I thought my friends had lied
But I thought so much reserve must make you wild inside
It was there and then that I knew
I had to get some of what you got

I've got a red hot heart
If the talk is true your's is the same
And we should be together
And let our passions fan love's flame

I thought I'd won your heart when I held you hand in mine
I thought it was true love the way we complemented each other
But my right is your wrong
And when you're right then I'm left with nothing
Your light and your heat have all been spent
Leaving only smoke and ashes
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I'm crying all the time
Salty stinging tears
And mourning for the past carbon-dated years
But knowing now for certain that you were always right
Because if a breeze could blow you out of my life
It's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby

I was blinded by devotion
My unwavering love for you
So blinded that I thought all your lies were true
But now I know for certain since you've gone away
It was just a smoldering fire I mistook for a blaze
Only smoke and ashes baby

I've got a red hot heart
And your heart's as blue as the blood in your veins
I say there's fire down below
You say it's only smoke and ashes baby
Only smoke and ashes baby, baby ...