Paralyzed or Discovery?

"Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." - Bernice Johnson Reagon quotes (American Historian and Musician. b.1942)

I've spent days now trying to figure out if I'm paralyzed or in an intense process of discovery. My dad often quotes pieces of poems. One of his favorites, nestled among the one about the pelican and the one about the tree, is the Road Less Traveled By. In the days of analyzing where I am on life's long road, I feel many times as if I'm at the fork in the road and am supposed to make some decision; some "where do I go from here?" "What do I do next?" moment.

If my sister is right and we are to create opportunities for our life to take shape and move forward, it's no wonder I feel as if I'm a broken record, playing the same hiccup moment after moment. Days are rarely new and exciting when it comes to meeting or interacting with people. I don't go out of my way to change this. Some weird part of me feels o.k. with this. Lately, I've been doing a really poor job of extending myself to those closest to me. I don't write, I don't call and when I do make plans, I noticed I've been backing out of them at the last minute. My schizophrenic self both enjoys being alone, yet desparately misses having close friends around. Part of it, I think (in my overanalysis) is that I have nothing to contribute. My work life/week consists of errands and pool time, my romantic life (which I'll get to a bit later)should never even come up in conversation, as it has been so long since there was even an inkling of a sideways glance my way and my home life only gets exciting when I argue with dad over going to the diner for dinner. See how exciting a conversationalist I would be at parties? ;) The other part is that I just don't feel like being around people, talking to people or dealing with them. This sounds much harsher than reality, but I've been exhausted with the slightest effort and the littlest thing seems to run my into sensory overload. I think I've sunk deep inside me and I wonder, am I discovering me or paralyzed at life.

I took a step the other night, when, after watching an eHarmony ad on t.v. decided to do the free Personality Profile. Being both overanalytical AND a one-time psych major (pulled the minor out, though), ever question was just agony and every time my "pick which best describes you and which least describes you of these four sets of words" choice was "kind, caring" and the least was "aggressive, argumentative" I was postivie I was going to be a school marme, push-over, doormat who bakes cookies (which I do, but the break and heat kind), knits and pops out kids like a Pez dispenses candy. A Stepford Wife ripe for the picking. After at least an hour of grueling stupid questions, my analysis was surprisingly pretty acurrate. The next day 4 "matches" were in my email, then eight. Before we could even reach the final 10 or so matches provided to me, I got a gut-sinking email...."so and so would like to communicate with you". Uh oh. If I chose yes, to "communicate" with so-and-so (cuz again, I'm not feeling creative with names) I'd have to sign up for one month and talk to so-and-so through email to see how much we had in common. I panicked, logged out of my email and was scared to go back there. I pondered it for the day...should I do it? The girly side of me (which my dad would love to smack right out of my head) wondered if this could be the one thing to turn my life plumeting into the love I'd lately dreamt of (not necessarily that it be so-and-so, but it might be the stick that started the rock wheel rolling) finding. The gut-wrench I was feeling was screaming...Are you really that girl? The internet dating girl? Is this what a beautiful, brilliant, fun-loving, much to offer girl has turned into? Picking up guys through internet sites? A site that advertises for marriage, not just fun meeting other people matches? Are you that low, on yourself, life, love? Really? What have you become?!?! You can do better than this!!!!

I checked my email again and 2 other "so-and-so"s wanted to communicate with me. Part of my brain was Michael Johnson-type sprinting away as fast as it could. I'm not sure which part, but,well, here's a little story to explain what I was seeing in my head/feeling in my bones: I spent alot of time at the doctor (well, it felt like alot of time) as a little girl, sore throats, ear-infections, tummy aches, the works. More times than not, Dr. Harpervatt would send me to have my finger pricked for blood tests. (As I got closer to 11, before we moved, it had escalated to full out needles in the arm blood draws) My poor mother would have to drag me (Jill too) kicking and screaming to the lab down a couple of hallways from the doctor's office. Somewhere around the age of 10, I had it all planned. Luckily for me, it worked beautifully...sort of. Dr. Harpervatt was again sending me for blood work. Mom and I left the office and I trudged along down the halls, without a fuss toward the lab. My poor mother must have been do happy she didn't have to fight me and what maturing I was doing! :) Well, the last turn before the lab door, mom turned to go in and I turned too...completely in the other direction, down all the hallways, out the front doors and right to the car! Fast as my little 10 year-old legs could carry me. In my head, a 10-year-old girl was running, fast as her legs could carry her, as if her life (and her blood) depended on it. What I couldn't figure out was, what was I running from? My gut instinct has served me well as a trainer and I often wished I'd listened to it more in relationships. So, I put my Personality Profile on "Do not send me matches" and walked away.

At various moments in my life, the only thing I knew for sure is I never wanted to be that person who lets life pass them by; who looks back at 70, never having married or had kids, who worked in the same job at the same level their whole life, lived with parents, then with cats, in teh same neighborhood where they'd lived their whole life and wonder what happened? Where did I zig, when I should have zagged? At which point did I make a wrong choice that landed me in this life? Having isolated everyone I care about and the mailman delivering me a package to my house and they find me dead at 100 years old, with no one knowing how long I'd been there. (I have a very vivid, in-living-color imagiation.) This is the person I never wanted to be, yet somehow I know, if my life stays on this course it's on, that is exactly who I will become. So, how do I change it?

The search for an answer to this seriously began after returning from California. The trip was o.k., but nothing spectacular. It seemed Jill and I were on different planets, which was hard for me because we always vacation and travel so well together. Maybe I expected too much from our trip, not from each other, but of things to do and see and just good old-fashioned sightseeing/doing fun. I don't know if my time clock was off, the weather contributed or something was wrong, because in the next week I had such a hard time gettin out of bed. I'd set my alarm, in an attempt to try and revert to EST (Are we in EDT? I never remember) and be asleep again before I could comprehend moving a limb! I was so listless and blah I turned down fireworks on the 4th...my favorite holiday weekend...to stay home and sit on the couch. Up at noon and unable to restfully sleep until 6am this continued most of last week. I finally crashed, or tried to Thursday night around 6pm, when my sister called. A friend, Tim, had 2 extra tickets to Avenue Q for Friday, did I want to come up? All my brain kept screaming was "NO!", but somehow I knew I may never get the chance to see this musical again, so I said yes. I had to cancel plans with Trish to go. The play was wonderful, but I couldn't wait to get home Saturday morning (after only sleeping 2 hours Friday night due to who knows what). We were supposed to have company Sunday, so I backed out on going to the shore with Trish and her friend from work. (I know, twice in one weekend, I owe Trish BIG!) I wasn't really sure I wanted to go anyway, the people, the talking, the being nice. :) I just feel SO lazy. All day I just have not wanted to talk to anyone. I tried to stay where people weren't and managed to squeeze in a few hours of alone time this morning at the pool. Then there were kids, screaming, so I left...30 minutes before I had to be leaving anyway.

So, I was sitting here, reading blogs, playing solitare, hoping sleep would come soon and wondering if I am craving solitude and running away from people because I am discovering me or am I paralyzed to decided which path I should traverse next? Am I scared of moving on or hardened by the past? Are the things I feel about me negativity brought on by subconscious depressed states or doubt from the rejection and hurt of a person I cared for so deeply? Why aren't the positives I feel and think about me reaffirmed by outsiders/strangers to help make them stronger? Is mine a life who's challenges are helping it discover who it truly is or paralyzed by the challenges it has faced?