Overdue Thoughts

Hey Everyone!

Well, here's some overdue thoughts from me. Two weeks ago tomorrow, Trish, Reenie, a friend of Trish's from her old work, Kathleen and I went to trivia night at our local bar....only to find out they'd moved it to Wednesdays! We had a great night.

The next day Trish called me, obviously upset. Reenie's best friend, a guy named Todd she'd started bringing to parties and things lately and we loved him, committed suicide. We had just seen Todd Labor Day and had such a good time. It was so hard to imagine he was gone. More than a loss within our group of friends, my heart was just breaking for Reenie.

I'm not sure if I've drawn the correlation before, so here goes. Trish and I met and became friends our freshman or sophomore year in high school. Trish went to 2 years at community college (smart money saving move) and 2 years at an all-girls college in Philadelphia.It was there she met Brenna. When I moved home and after my year or two heartbreak recovery, I began getting together with Trish and her college girl friends. Brenna also began bringing HER high school friend, Reenie. I really liked being around Reenie.

With my post-Neil self-doubt issues, I never wanted to overstep my bounds and assume Trish's friends liked me for me, as opposed to liking me as the friend of Trish's that comes to things. Friends by proxy sometimes have certain boundries and come with their own issues. Can you get together with these "new" friends without the middle man friend? Do they like you enough to get together with you without your friend (Trish) or are you great when you're around, but not gonna go out of their way to hang out with you? Things like that.

I wasn't sure Reenie (or Brenna or any of Trish's college friends) really liked me, so I never sought to branch out from our get togethers until recently. I really like hanging out with Reenie and wish I'd go out of my way and step over that boundry more.

I just couldn't imagine what Reenie was going through, losing her best friend. Knowing Reenie the little that I did, it was easy to see she would go through the same thoughts and feelings I would have in that situation, "Why didn't he call me? should I have or could I have done anything for him?", etc. It also brought some flooding memories back of my lack of will to live during my time post-Neil. Needless to say, it was a rough time with all of us.

For the rest of the week, all I could think of was the range of emotions Reenie must be going through. The numbness, the anger, the overwhelming grief. I always get so emotional wondering why anyone who commits suicide doesn't think one person in their life is worth living for. That there isn't one person who's life would be thrown into complete turmoil if they died. Isn't there one person in their life they could spare the pain by living? I know when your pain is so great it is hard to see anything but that pain. However, if they knew what they would leave behind, how people would miss them, the void they would leave in someone's life, wouldn't they rethink it?

Reenie has been doing well. Trish, Reenie, Brenna, Jill (who came home for Reenie) and I went bowling Saturday. So much fun! We made Reenie laugh despite herself. I attended the funearl. It was miserably sad. I was a mess and thought Reenie held together extremely well. As Todd's best friend, Reenie was asked to cover him in the casket, as well as once the casket was closed. She did great! I don't know how she was so strong. I cried during Amazing Grace, during the priest's eulogy (I'll expound upon this more on a different blog) and as the casket was moving out of the church. Reenie was sobbing on and off, but I was pretty sure had it been my best friend, or close relative I'd have had to be drugged to be any good. I know I often short change myself, but people have become so precious to me lately. What got me is through everything, Reenie keeps thanking us for being there. (She greatly understood my sacrifice on bowling night when I was up until 2am! :) Considering I usually leave parties around midnight, as I am too tired to speak. :) )

It has converted over to my work lately. While I am usually very attentive to our students, I have been fighting the urge to hug every one of them. I want to tell them they are loved, let them know I am there for them, that there are people they can talk to (not necessarily me) if they're every in despair, to remind them people love them and would miss them if they were gone. I hope they know by our actions, by our concern and I hope their friends and families let them know every day.