The Lost Blogs

In an attempt to begin the New Year as a "clean slate", I'll be posting all the blogs I have written or thought about in the last month or so and have not written. Some will be old, issues resolved, but I thought you'd all enjoy them.

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(12/14/05)

After two days which centered around weight, hydration and body fat, I broke down today and hopped on the scale we have at work. Apparently, I’ve found my optimistic self. For the last two days I’ve been writing numbers on wrestling hydration forms such as 5.4, 7.6 and 9.5. So, I thought, even though I’m fat and ever upwardly moving through the Misses section sizes, maybe I’m not as fat as I thought. Maybe I’ll be pleasantly surprised.

I wasn’t. Matter of fact, I became a little depressed. I know I have tons of muscle under there somewhere! My overall body mass didn’t seem TOO bad (and according to www.cdc.gov I’m teetering on the high end of normal, which I probably could have told them), but the Body Fat % was enough to make me never eat again! (Well, perhaps. I am feeling a tad hungry and wonder if I might comfort myself with some mac and cheese.) Is it bad when a 275 pound football player who's using wrestling to get himself down to a healthy weight has the same body fat % as I do? He is shorter than me and women are supposed to have a higher body fat, I realize...but really?!?!?!?

I remember one point in my life when I had the body fat a little higher than that of an elite female athlete. Granted I was barely eating, running every day and everyone told me I was too thin. I remember thinking for all the crap I’m feeling the positive is I look hot! Apparently guys thought so too…imagine that. The scale told me today to kiss those memories goodbye, as I was almost twice the body fat I was back then.

Convinced that working out 3 days a week and just the physical-ness of my job should be enough activity to lose weight, given what I normally eat, I went on an internet hunt for reasons. I know I do not have a thyroid problem, as I had it tested in August. I wonder about my medications, though. Did you know some anti-histamines cause weight gain? They apparently create a sweet craving that increases caloric intake. I think everyone in America knows Birth Control causes weight gain, even though “they” keep saying it does not. So, I’m more convinced than every to give up my drugs for good. I am thinking about seeing my doctor about changing my anti-histamine back to one I took previously and didn’t gain weight. I am also thinking of going off the Birth Control. It’s a scary proposition because I remember the pain I had prior to my April 2000 surgery and can’t fathom going back to that just because I’m vain and fat. However, I’m not sure the Birth Control is really helping to stave off the endometriosis anyway, so why am I taking it for 63 days in a row if it’s really not helping? But what if it IS helping and I just go off it so I can lose 15 pounds? Then what? I’m confused and lost and don’t feel my doctor is comforting and supportive of some of my questions. I’m beginning to feel like a pain in her *ss and the patient/hypochondriac who always thinks something is wrong with her when there is nothing really wrong. (yes, I’m back to the “am I a wuss imagining things or should I push harder to figure out what is wrong” thing.)

So, 2006 may be bringing a whole new me. And maybe if I stuff a few cookies in the optimistic me, I won’t EVER be tempted to get on that stupid body fat scale again! ?