Hi Everyone!

They say those who do not study history are doomed to repeat it. (To which I think I once said if I had a teacher like one of my former Football players Mitch, I'd repeat it over and over again! :)..but..) But how long must we repeat a history we do not understand? And maybe there is no past lesson there for us to learn from. Trailblazers are so named b/c they head off down a path never traveled before and along the way have to deal with the events they encounter with no reference for how to handle it.

In the last few days, I've regressed back into my fate vs. God / our control over destiny debate. A recent incident in my immediate family has me wondering, how long do we suffer for past bad decisions? And why don't the rewards from good decisions last as long?

This weekend I met a whole new group of people when I was visiting a friend. One of the people I met made a decision in his life which took him away from the woman he loved for 10-ish years. Upon returning, the happily reunited couple learned that the woman had inoperable cancer. I am sure the man wonders why, after his bad decision took him away from her for ten years, he has to face the prospect of losing her again. And although the cancer is not his fault, I wonder if he blames himself every day for the ten years he took away from "their" time; When if she goes he'll mourn for her and the time they could have had together.

My mother last week discovered she'd done something she thought would help us that ended up triggering the uncovering of a past mistake which will result in months and months of stress and hardship for our family. She hasn't slept since, has a constant nausea and I'm sure beats herself up every day wondering why one "mistake" keeps haunting her/dad/us.

We all know (very well, I'm sure) my constant resurgance of questions into what I did to get myself into such a dead end feeling life. And it just makes me wonder, when does it get better? When do we finally hae history to learn from? When do we look at what got us to where we are in life and say "Ah-Ha! that is where I took a wrong turn!" and we backtrack to get us back to the point we were supposed to have been at long ago. This weekend before going out, we were watching Animal Planet. It seemed when the dogs got to a place (in this awful event called Dirt Dog...like a prairie dog tunnel) they didn't want to be or didn't like the obstacle in front of them, they veered down a different path. Eventually they'd hit a dead end and immediately scamper back to where the obstacle was, overcome it and move forward. How did they know where they went wrong?

In a popular train of thought for life, which I call the intersection theory, we have many paths down which we could travel, all leading us to the major points in life we're supposed to hit, but each of them getting us there a different way. Some may take us a little longer to reach, but eventually we hit a major crossroad where we we would end up whether we got there in three yers or thirty-three. So, what happens when you want to take the fastest route to your next crossroad, but end up headed down a dirt path leading to seemingly nothing? How do you know where the spot was you made a wrong turn?

Or, when you think you are going the wrong way and end up exactly where you are supposed to be? Usually, there are landmarks. The little reassurances that let us know we are headed the right way. And when we are going the wrong way, we usually know. We see a sing (or many) that let us know we are headed the wrong way, or sometimes...it's just that feeling in your gut you need to ask for directions. Lately it just seems there are no experts. Just lots of people who think they know where to send you, but you end up lost again. Then, you are even more lost, and not only can't you figure out where you went wrong, you can't figure out where to go to get headed the right way again!

And what if there is no turning around? For the man earlier, he will never get those years with his wife back. And who knows exactly how many he's got left with her. And even enjoying the time he spends with her, enjoying every minute they DO have, he will always know he could've made a decision which allowed him more time. How long will he have to live with that? For my mother, it will be months and months of heartache, stress, and struggle for all of us. And even though the mistake shouldn't be a major one, it should be resolved, if it's not, it could change our lives forever and not for the better. And if we should lose everything, how long will she have to live with the notion that one little decision changed our lives forever?

Maybe my prediciment is the best of all. I still have no idea where I went wrong. No idea what happened whihc derailed my life so horribly and led it into the middle of nothing. There is not one point I can look at and say, I shouldn't have done that! And maybe that's better than knowing for sure where you went wrong. Then again, there are many points I could look at and say, maybe that was where I got off track. But there is no going back to it and starting again - for there is no way to get back there; There is no turning around and there is no one to ask. Just forging ahead and knowing it could take me years to get back to the point I should've been by now. And the thinking about all the life I will miss by taking a wrong turn.