A song and a letter - from me. For release.

If Not You


I'll admit, I can be hard to please
Now and then I disagree just to
disagree
There are times I want what I want
'Cause I want it
There are things I don't know I have
when I've got 'em
But when I look at you I ask myself
How could there be somebody else

If not you - who
Is ever gonna make me happy
If not love - what
Is it I feel for you
If I search the world
Over, under, still I wonder
Who would I be lookin for
yeah, who
If not you

When I'm stuck and feel locked up,
you turn the key
You minimize all of my insecurities
You always seem to know what I need
when I need it
And when I say I need only you...
Believe it
Of all the many myseteries yet to come
I've solved the most important one

If not you - who
Is ever gonna make me happy
If not love - what
Is it I feel for you
If I search the world
Over, under, still I wonder
Who would I be lookin for
yeah, who
If not you

There are times I want what I want
'cause I want it
There are things I don't know I have when
I've got 'em
But when I look at you I ask myself
How could there be somebody else

If not you - who
Is ever gonna make me happy
If not love - what
Is it I feel for you
If I search the world
Over, under, still I wonder
who would I be lookin for
yeah, who
If not you

If not you, if not you - who
(Jo Dee Messina - Burn album)


Hi. Well, I finished painting my bathroom today. I love the color. I figured it would be cathartic, throwing myself into painting, but as you know I'm a little obsessive (if that's the right word) when I'm working on things that don't turn out just right. And even though it's my first time painting from beginning to end (Mom wants to know where she went wrong), I still wanted it to be perfect - no brush strokes, no white spots where I taped off the tile onto the wall or the spots of paint that kissed the ceiling when I inadvertantly lost awareness of the brush/roller. You know how I have these ideas in my head and get upset when they don't materialize the way I have them planned. I think there's a lapse in my mind to body connection! :)

I've wanted to call you alot lately. Let you know about the bathroom (it reminded me of how you wanted to re-do that old house on the corner of Friendly, just as I did), how I feel now that Jill's gone - even thought we didn't always get along and toward the end I was counting down the days til she left. About how frustrating the job hunt is and contemplate the alternatives. I picked up the phone to tell you about my trip to Amy's and Fager's and to talk about how weird it is to feel like you're in college again, but yet too old to be hanging out in bars. When the moment hits you, like it did for you that night at the Tiger, when you realize you've outgrown the things you used to do, but don't quite fit into the things you're supposed to have grown into. When you're not quite ready to let go of your dream for a trade-in "reality".

I wanted to rag you about the Raiders losing, but wasn't sure how you'd take it. (Looks like they need Jon back, huh? Ready to give into Michael and become a Bucs fan? ;) ) and rub into you that the Eagles were winning (just to hear you say "Good squad you got there. They lost to the Colts, Man!"). To see how recruiting went or if you're practicing inside today for hours on end because it's raining. Let you know how Yoga is going (yes, know Gaski and I can hang out!) and that I'm taking kickboxing. Ask you why every day I feel like my body is going from 27 to 80 and when I developed hips and an *ss. Matter of fact, there's a lot of moments in alot of hours in alot of days I think of something I want to share with you. And then it hits me...you're not there for me.

It's almost been a year since I've seen your face, although I see it every day in my mind. I hear your voice like you're next to me and quite often forget that I can't just pick up the phone and let you know when I'll be home. Being here doesn't feel like reality. More like a visit than a permanent living situation, but I've told you all about that before...one of those late night 3 or 4 hour phone calls. Even when I was working, which felt like so long ago, I always felt as if I'd come back to my apartment - different job in my old city. I keep thinking if only I could make it seem real, you know? Maybe I could adjust to it fully. Maybe it's just an unrealistic hope things might go back to the way they were. You always say I always land on my feet. It seems like life has been stopped for the last year, while all around me it's swirling at a pace so fast they can't keep up for everyone else. And no matter what I'm doing mine won't jump start. Just starts and stalls.

Anyway, I applied for a training job in Fayetteville (yes, I know. Close to the home of Central Cafe and inbreeding! :) ). Never thought I'd do that again, but it's more teaching than working and it's D3, so no traveling really. I'm also slowly but surely completing the forms for my licensure in N.J. I've also applied for a couple jobs around here in Development, either non-profit or universities. I stopped seeing Phyl. I don't know if I'll go back. At first I stopped because of the money, but then she offered to accomodate me. Now, I think it's more just because you can only talk negative and about the same things bothering you for so long before it gets old to everyone listening and I'm just not sure what could be said that's gonna help. Even I don't want to listen to me anymore! ;)

Physically, I'm doing o.k. I am a little worried b/c I haven't been back to see the doctor for the testing I was supposed to have for the thing we talked about a couple months before I moved. I went off the medication for a couple reasons, but the pains I was having before surgery came back recently, so I might have to go back soon. Living in a house with 3 cats isn't helping my allergies, which I think is making me tired all the time! You thought I slept alot before, you should see me now! I sleep about 12 hours a day and am pretty lethargic from the OTC drugs I take at night. Remember how I used to be in the mornings? And bathroom trips? Now, stretch that out over all day! :)

Speaking of cats, how's my little noisy sweetheart? Does he bother James and the new tennis guy like he used to bother us? It's weird to think of someone else living in my apartment. Kristina wrote the other day and mentioned it. Great place to wait out rain delays! :) Mike said he's talked to Shane, have you? How's my little Ryan doing? (I still call him my little freshamn pitcher even though he's a...5th year? true senior? by now.) I know you said Butter is working for the city now. Does he like it? You'll have to tell him I said Hi! I don't know how to find him, or I'd do it myself (although I'm not sure if he'd even want to talk to me). Meg said Matteo is teaching. I think it's great! He always wanted to work with kids (according to Bridget - who I'm sure is happy about your current situation). I'm glad to see (and hope the appearances mean) he's pulled his life together. I think about Donahue alot. I hope he's doing well. Lisa too.

Part of me hopes you are doing great and the other part of me hopes you are miserable. (And I guess as long as you're with Gaski and still in your job, part of you always will be! :) ) I wish I could tell you...(Austin Powers Voice)"anything at all"...but mostly that I'm o.k.,moving on with a good life, back "on my feet" and over you. Wish I could...
Anyway, kiss D.C. for me (and feed him some cheese). I Miss You.

Love,
Jenn