My Name is Jennifer and I'm an addict.

I'm not exactly sure how it started. Just one time a day every couple of weeks or so, to start. Somewhere in my Junior year in high school, I fell in with a bad crowd. Started spending more time doing it. No big deal though. Although it was becoming a habit, I swore I could quit whenever I needed to. I didn't do it as much senior year in high school, probably because I had a different group of friends. Proving to myself, erroneously, that I could quit. In college, I did it some. I started noticing I was doing it more and more my junior year. I notice I needed my fix. Would try and sneak it in once a day, before my classes (even going late sometimes because of it) or staying up late, just to calm my nerves. There was a whole group of us like that. I don't know if even we notcied how bad it got. We probably figured no one could tell how bad we were, even though we tried to "recruit" people by sucking them in too.

I don't remember if my addiction was as bad in the time I lived in Greensboro. Neil did it some, but for the most part the group of people we hung out with were not big into it, so I think I tried to hide my addiction, best I could. The thing I'm learning about addictions is, no matter how much you say you can stop, or you have it under control, or that it's not affecting your life and people can't tell how much you do it, or that you've become dependant on it...you are always wrong. The reason for this email is because the last few weeks I have fallen into a severe spiral. There have been some problems at home that have caused me to try and hide how completely this has taken over my life. I have been forced to try and kick it, cold turkey. Oh, don't get me wrong, twice this week I have driven an hour away from home and gotten up early, just to get my fix, but I have gotten way past the point of twice a week "fixes".

I've notcied that I've started getting paranoid lately. "What if someone notcies I'm gone?" "What if there is a problem and I'm not around?". Now that I've returned to "reality", I find none of this is true - there is no emergency and people notcied I was gone, but contributed it to being busy elsewhere. I have also started to wonder if maybe it's affecting many aspects of my life - social, work-related, etc. So, I thought I'd get it out in the open and let you all know what I've been going through. I also wanted to let you know that if it wasn't for you guys being so great and always standing by and supporting me....I WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM AT ALL!!!!! :)

And the next time the internet at my house goes down, I'm moving! :) My name is Jennifer and I am an email/internet junkie! I miss you guys! Hope all is well! I'll write more after I return from Mexico! (I hope they have internet and computers in the hotel!!!!!! I can't go through this again!)