I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die. – Buffy The Vampire Slayer

How do you instill this kind of intensity in a 16 year-old? More importantly how do stop a 30 year-old’s heart from wrenching just thinking about it? I’m not even sure how to write this blog, I’m just hoping the words will begin flowing once I start typing. I’m just at a loss as to how to convince a 16 year-old, R and his parents about the seriousness of R’s condition when he keeps getting a clean bill of health. I’m hoping today, I did everything right and when the ER sees him, his parents will relay everything I told them and R will be completely checked out. Just thinking about it makes me anxious and tense, when now, it is out of my hands.

I sent a 16 year-old football player to the emergency room today and my heart has just been broken ever since. I think he was having a stroke. I hope I’m wrong. Actually, hope is a very light word; I’ve been praying ever since he left me that I’m wrong. You all know how I am, so I know you’re not surprised when I say most of me feels for him, while the left over parts of me keep analyzing everything I did to make sure I did everything right. I am going to drive myself into an ulcer one of these days. Tonight might just be the night.

Travel back about two weeks ago. I was talking to our football coach who told me he was worried about one of his players, R. R had been diagnosed with Lyme’s disease before the season started and had lost about 30 or so pounds. Bell’s Palsy developed as a result of the Lyme’s disease. Many tests were done and he was cleared to play football, even though he was still having problems controlling the movement of his eyes. I relayed this conversation to Bill (my boss) the next day (Saturday) before Bill traveled to our away football game. Sunday, I opened the paper to find Bill and R on the front page as they were sending R to the ER for a “concussion”. The ER said it was mild and cleared him to return to play.

This past Friday night, R got hit in the 3rd Quarter and looked a bit “out of it” again. I tested him for a concussion following the game. He could not hold anyone’s gaze, as his eyes twitched and moved, but his balance and coordination tests were flawless. Since we have a “bye” this week, coach gave them off Monday. They had a light practice yesterday, watching film and doing some light play work. They were back in normal practice mode today. Coach called me to come to the Training Room to see R, as he was having head problems “bad”.

R was doing o.k. when I saw him, except he was holding his head saying he was having extreme pain through his temples. I called his dad, told him to come get him. Shortly after hanging up the phone, R began writhing from side to side because of the pain in his head. Then, it calmed down. He said he had the pain in spurts and now his chin felt numb. He could feel my touch and react to pain stimulus. His blood pressure and pulse were normal for post-participation. R told me he’d had trouble reading today. He could see the words, but they wouldn’t come out his mouth. I told him we were sending him to the ER and he went into fits of hyperventilating and crying. I tried to calm him, feeling this was only making his symptoms worse. We needed to get him looked at, ASAP. His parents walked in then. I talked to them about the signs. His father has constantly reassured us the R is fine. R wants to play football more than anything (and has for a few years) and I think his father just wants him to be fine and play football. Bill and I both were hoping for the last few weeks R’s parents would notice some of the little things we’ve noticed and take him for further tests. However, when a doctor tells you everything is fine, who are you to disagree and be proven wrong repeatedly? I think I finally got through to his mother that this was serious when I told her about the not being able to speak in class, but being able to read the words. There is something more than Lyme’s, Bell’s and concussion going on here. We need to know what that is. He left with his parents, hopefully for the ER. I think his father was opting for heading home first, to drop off one of the two cars they had, but the mom seemed to want to go right to the ER. Go Mom Go!

I just went online while preparing to write this blog and read the signs and symptoms of a stroke from the American Heart website. Now more than ever, I hope R is in a hospital bed somewhere undergoing tests. As I told his parents, I don’t care about R as a football player. I care about him as a person. In my head I thought, I just don’t want him to die or be seriously, debilitating ill when he was having signs which were supposed to warn us (him, family, friends, etc) to get him help.

I’ve decided I need to become closer with our doctors. I’d like someone I can talk to about these things when they happen; ask them how they convince parents, patients, etc. to seek help when they don’t want to; someone to question about the symptoms, differential diagnoses, etc.

I also think I need to learn to let go before I destroy me. I know I get overly maternal sometimes. I think I feel it internally more than I show it externally, which is good. I also try and separate my emotional feelings (especially emotional this week with some weird hormonal issues, not new to me, just not normal) from professionalism. Trying to have some bedside manner, without smothering or appearing cold. The balance is sometimes the hardest thing….so is the “leaving it at the office”. Being over analytical (I know, you guys never would have guessed it about me, right? ;) ), I beat myself up worrying about kids, making sure I did the right thing, second guessing myself and beating myself up over not doing what I would change in hindsight. I need to learn to learn from a situation, not beat myself up over it and then let it go. I’m trying to learn I can’t heal the world. I can’t control everything and then, revel in the peace I hope that brings.

As for now, keep your thoughts with R. I’ll let you know how he turns out.