Being Un-stuck

I read an article/blog this week on about Feeling Stuck . In it, Ms. Dunn talks about an exercise to break you out of your stuckness. (My blog, my made up words.) She says to sit down for 20 minutes and write about what you want to do, who you want to meet, careers you want to have, etc.

I laughed out loud. I've done this "exercise" unknowingly for the last 30 years. For 15 of those, I would've knocked out 100 things on my list in way under the allotted time. Over the last 10 plus, I might struggle to get to 5. Maybe it's just the place I am in life. The hope I had as a teenager has turned to a mix of cynicism and realism. I miss that girl. She had life. Pizazz. She knew there was a great life ahead of her and couldn't wait to get to it. Vivacious. I'm glad this me wasn't around to squash her. It's nice to be optimistic and not only hope, but know there is better ahead. This time will pass and the good things will come. If that me could see the way life turned out, I'd be crushed to watch the light in her eyes explode into millions of pieces to be left by the black hole of hopelessness.

I decided to try again. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I could come up with those things given the focus and time. I set a timer. I sat down and when the ding rang out my page was empty. There's something to be said for knowing yourself, even when it's disappointing. The career thoughts have been replaced by the knowledge that the time and money to get there are improbable in my current life. (Yes, I know about student loans. The thought of taking on more debt and TONS of it is not in the cards. Neither are the years without income to get it done. Even class by class while working would take creative scheduling and about as many years as I have until retirement. A career has never been a want of mine.) There are no people I am even remotely interested in meeting.

The what I want is interesting. I am sure there ARE things I want, just not sure what they are...especially in 20 minutes. The things that come to mind have eluded me and any remaining hope I had for them in my life flickered out this year. I have let them go. What remains is the wreckage of a ship, drifting along in the direction the tide takes it. Unable to adjust, it floats along, bearing the storms to stay adrift no longer caring if it gets where it was once headed. Just ebbing and flowing until it finally comes to rest.

They say life is about the journey. I can't worry anymore about the destination. I don't have it in me. In the week since I tried to un-stick myself, I have found 2 things to add to the list. I'm keeping it up on the fridge, hoping more comes to mind. If I ever get to 100, I'll let you know. Right now I'm just going where the tide takes me.