Hi all! Sorry it's been so long between blogs. I've been meaning to write, just haven't really had any meaningful thoughts lately. Well, that and it's 80 degrees....and I have a convertible! :)

I really think having a convertible is something everyone should do once in life. Preferrably in the warm months! :) I've even had mom tooling around in it alot this week. (Of course, she has to drive b/c she's a horrible passenger, so I hope people don't think it's her car! :) )

And, I need a new job. The more and more I contemplate this, I think I'd be a great kept woman. I didn't used to think so, thought I'd need to use my brain more, but if I were a kept woman I could work or volunteer and not worry about the money. That would be a great job for me. :)

I decided all this as I was in tears driving down the highway Thursday. My day had turned into crap, alot of being responsible for getting things done, yet not knowing when to show up at the places, and no one could tell me. This culminated with a 4 o'clock urgent phone call from our Admin. office to tell me a salesman was trying to get in touch with me b/c his customer was fuming over the 3 o'clock appointment for which I failed to show up. Completely slipped my mind. Even with my Blackberry calendar beeping at me that I had an appointment. I was devestated. I don't forget things like that. (Kind of like the exam I missed in college, b/c I looked at the schedule she had posted on the door and read it for Thursday at 9am - which was the same class, different day than the one I was in - our exam was Wed. at 8am. Someone in my class showed up at lunch Wed. and asked why I didn't go to the exam. Talk about a horrible day; luckily I was good in class and the teacher knew that, so I took the exam Thursday at 9am.)

This won't be news to those of you who know me, but I am very hard on myself. I know I am. I am learning that I am harder on me than anyone else is. I'm o.k. with that. The problem alot of times is that I expect everyone else in my life to be as hard on themselves as I am on me. I think if that were the case, the world would be alot less chaotic than it is now. I also realize, that it would have alot of problems. Too much stress, etc. I am hard on me because I expect me to do a good job. Especially if I know I am capable of it. This job I have isn't hard, I just don't like it. I think not being fully invested has caused me to be lazy. Like math - if it's not interesting I just don't comprehend it.

In college admissions, there is a term called institutional fit. Colleges find the demographic which would fit in their system of education and tried to appeal to it. My job and I don't fit. There is no importance in my job. I can't really fake it, either. I realized that Thursday. I don't ever try and fake importance to other people...just to me. I think if I think I'm important I'll work harder. Alas, there is no importance in my job. I am low person on the corporate food chain in this company. I know that. I just try to fool myself that it's not the case. Of course, my brain knows better...it knows there really is no significance to what I do. Another part of it is that it's laid back. Now, I can be laid back sometimes. Depends on the situation. However, I laid back work schedule, while it may work for some people, doesn't seem to be working for me. i think maybe it could, if the work I did when I was actually working felt envigorating, taxing....like an actually job, not an internship or bring-your-neighbor-to-work-day. I like to be challenged (if there's any debate, see any relationship I've ever had - male/female wise). I like cleaning up problems, solving difficult tasks, helping people really. Easing their burdens. Being the lifesaver. And maybe not all the time, but the feeling is good every once in awhile.

Unfort., it is non-occuring in my life as of late. So, I'm on the job hunt again. I need to get serious about it. Think it's important, tax myself to try and get a job that lets me "fit" with my work. I'm just not exactly sure what kind of work that is. In a later blog, I'll try and explain all the things I want from a job (Maybe even later today) - in case there is ACTUALLY a job out there that encompasses those things, and maybe you all can help me. Until then, I'll stay here, head off to my 2 o'clock "Here's how you idiots use a copier" training, then put the top down and try to escape from my life for just a little while. :)