Hi! Anyone out there? "Are you hiding? I'm coming?" (a quote from mom's favorite movie! :) )

I've been meaning to write for some time, so there's alot I've wanted to say. Guess I'll just have to write more often.

Anyway, spent the last 2 hours on here searching for an old "friend". Many songs some to mind in relation to this..."Rainy Days and Mondays"; "Reminiscing"; "Ships"...but the one that triggered this hunt was "Wonderwall" by "the greatest band that ever lived" (SNL skit) "Oasis".

It's funny that one reminds me so much of him, but I guess the timing of the release and some of the lyrics are fitting for him. he was a lacrosse player at Salisbury. We had a class together my Freshman year. He and a couple other people in my class used to study together. I remember thinking how smart he was for a lacrosse player. (Remember, my only exposure to lacrosse players so far when I met him were Scott Kelly and Rex, the guy who destroyed a chair with the handle of a lacrosse stick one night b/c he'd been drinking and fighting with his girlfriend.) I saw him occasionally in and out of the training room in the next 3 years, but never to say anymore than Hi and some small talk during treatments, etc. I was actually more friendly with his girlfriend, Tracy, becase she lived with Shawna on eyear...but I'm getting off track.

The next time I saw him outside of our Gym was the Wild Turkey/SSU clinic-reunion night in January of my Senior year. We all ended up at the Flying club (a moment of silence) later and he and I began talking. I don't know how long we talked or what was said...(see the Wild turkey comment above)...but I DO remember the brief conversation with one of his teammates before I ended up leaving for the night. Very foreshadowing.

Once Spring semester started, I saw him occasionally in the T.R. and usually out at the Flying club or Pickles (another silent moment). What happened next occured at the Flying Club and involved a dare...I'll tune the next details down for the saintly in the viewing audience...and resulted in he and I spending more time together. I would usually go to his games when I could on Saturday and see him Saturday night. It was a strange, wonderful relationship. We both just enjoyed it for it...without pushing for more, or labeling, etc. We talked about our futures (individually, not together), and careers, friends, etc. He didn't like Mav all that much (this is when Mav was still a little cat! :) ) and Maverick didn't like him b/c he stole my attention. :)

He even met my mom once. Quite by accident. The week after the dare thing, I was headed to Greensboro for an interview for a G.A. Position. My mom was coming down, taking me to GSo, then we were driving back so I could be a model for comps, then heading to the LAX game. Mom was coming to the TR to get me after the model thing and I came out of the locker room and saw her and told her I'd show her the TR. As I opened the door, I ran smack into him! I was a little stunned, but regained my composure, said Hi and then he introduced himself to my mom. asked if she was coming to the game, we wished him luck, he winked at me and we all went on our way.

He was so sure Greensboro was gonna be wonderful for me. And just knew I could do anything I ever wanted. He was headed to the CSCS exam to be a strength and conditioning coach and headed back to New York. I always thought he wanted to coach LAX, but he never mentioned it outright. The last time I saw him was at Seacrets after graduation. It was an ending fit for a movie. I'd heard through the grapevine he was coaching at a college in NY and was SO happy. There is not one thing about him or that relationship I ever think about except that it was one of the best ones in my life. Every time I hear that song on the radio, I think of him, smile and my whole insides get warm and cuddly type happy.

It's funny how there are some people in our lives that come so briefly and bring us so much joy. Who once they're gone we can think of with nothing but happiness and love for what they meant to us. And others who leave and we always wonder what if? Whether they're around every minute of every day, for a month or years it never seems like enough.

With Mr. LAX, he seemed to reach in and touch my soul and just know what I thought, how I felt, etc. And when he left, I knew our relationship was like no other and appreciated the little bit of time we'd "found" each other. It wasn't exaclty deep, no real "love" was shared, and without words we both understood the boundries, limits, and terms of what we had. What is it about certain people that they can reach in, without either one even knowing it's being done and touch your soul and just "get it"? Is it this weird cosmic connection that defines a soulmate?

Cosmic connections are strange - the feeling that you've known someone a lifetime, when you've only just met; the intimacy you share with another without ever experiencing "intimacy"; the closeness or "at home" feeling you experience with another person for no expainable reason. But, does this connection have to be a romantic one?

The feeling I had with Mr. LAX, was very different in somw ways than the one I had with Neil. I never had any misgivings about Mr.LAX being my soulmate. In fact, I doubted very much if it came right down to it to label or define us, I could have, or would have wanted to, but the sense of just looking at each other and knowing about the other one was extremely satisfying. The comfort level I had with him was different, but yet in many way the same as with Neil. With Neil, there was always a sense of urgency, a rush to be together; a sense of missing something until we were together again. Then, a calm. Even watching t.v alone seemed empty without him there, as if I'd forgotten something. Can you experience this feeling with two different people at different times? Can a person have multiple soulmates?

In the movie "The Contender", Joan Allen says (something like), "Principles only mean something if you stick by them when it's difficult". If we believe someone is our soulmate, then something happens to them or the relationship, can there be another person we connect with on a soul level, or would the next person along be settling for less than what we had, because what we had is over? If we believe a soulmate to be the one true person who completes our other half, then nothing will ever be what it was with our "soulmate". But, what if we're wrong? What if we only THINK someone is our soulmate, but then after it ends realize HE couldn't have been our soulmate because we have just FOUND our soulmate! It reminds me a little of Neil's friend Brian. Every time Brian began seriously dating someone, he'd call Neil and say, "I think this is 'The One', Ave". In the five years I was there, Brian had 6 or 7 "The One"s. When do you trust what you feel about someone being "the one" or your soulmate, or one true love, or however you phrase it and not always think, well, maybe out there someone where is one more right than this one. Maybe I only think this is "The One" because I don't know better yet. Or, does the notion of soulmates exist at all?