Hi Guys! PLEASE keep yourselves safe from the Sniper! I worry about you two (you know who you are) everytime I hear about another "spree"

I went back to see Phyl today. I must say I'm a complete enigma to myself. :) Today was a Neil focused day, but I reflected alot on Ryan. I tried parallelling the two relationships. I realized how wonderful it made me feel to talk about both of them. I know that sounds strange, but even though the conversations were more focused on what went wrong, the emotions were focused alot on what went right.

After leaving my appointment, I felt almost as giddy as if I were in love. For a person who cries whenever she talks about this love of her life who broke her heart, it was all I could do today to keep from dancing around the room while talking about him. Phyl asked me why I couldn't be angry with Neil...why through all this I haven't gotten angry with him for the way he treated me and the things that happened. I think it's because I knew him. Think about a two year old who steals the cookies jar to get the cookies. You can't get REALLY angry at him/her because you know how a two year old thinks; that they don't think about the consequences, don't think about defying you, they just want cookies, because they taste good. In the same respects I think it's hard to get mad at someone you love for their actions when you know the thought processes behind them. For those of you who remember Ryan, you'll remember I had his thought process for "why" things happened down before he told me I was right. We were separated for one month and I "knew" everything that he'd done, thought, and had happened. The similarities in the ending of the relationship are So similar. The "why" and "how" this keeps happening to me is a mystery. I know break-ups happen, and even some of them similarly, but I guess I just think the circumstances are so unusual how could they happen to any person more than once AND how do you stop it from happening, when if you could control it, you wouldn't let it happen to begin with!

Phyl and I began talking about what I loved about Neil. I could feel my face begin to shine (like the top of the chrysler building! Sorry childhood reversion! :) ) and that warm very full feeling started taking over and words just began gushing out. One of the first things I was attract to was his inhibition and cockiness. (It was a front, but by the time I found out, it didn't matter.) The way he'd dance without caring who thought what about it...because he liked music and dancing. The look on his face....:) He looked so silly doing his little toy soldier dance, but you could tell he was having so much fun. And the way he would get so full of himself...:)

The absolute thing I loved the most was that look on his face...full of love and warmth and innocence and joy. Kind of a crude example, but like the boys in school who figure out that your armpit can sound like farting. Or the look on the face of a two year old realizing the joy of "using the potty" and how excited it makes his parents. (and no, I don't have a thing for little boys! :) )
It was all the "inner Neil" spilling out. The one who brought me breakfast to the office when I was hungover, or made me breakfast in bed when I was sick, or bought me a cheese grater from the dollar store because I needed one, but really, for no reason at all, or who got me the pearl drop earrings I'd looked all over for because he thought I'd like them and not because he knew I'd even been looking for them, or who kissed me in the kitchen making tacos because the site of me cutting lettuce and tomatoes urged him to, or the "early" days when it was all he could do to sit through lunch with me and not write off the whole day of both of us working to stay home and be together. And I have a feeling it's the same Neil who made chocolate chip cookies with his brother when he was 5, who felt the need to take care of his mom and didn't want to go to college and leave her all alone, who was homesick his whole first semester at Wake, who sang lead in a Run DMC "kareoke" in a mostly black high school, who calls his cat doodlebug and gets upset when the one he's had since 16 dies, who doesn't like funerals, sings Sound of Music (specifically Lonely Goatherd) songs with me, knows the South Park theme song and knows where to be quiet so I can sing my favorite part, who reads me Cat in the Hat b/c I was reading in bed and he should be reading too, who eats his pickle last to "clense his palate" and who gets upset ever June 11th because another year has passed and he's still no closer to the life he "wants" for himself and who fears he may be too old soon to ever get there.

The shell that's around this Neil, "my" Neil is thick and more often than not the one you all hear me talk about. The one who hurts me, himself and others, who drinks and carouses and keeps "my" Neil where he is in life. The one I feel is slowly killing "my" Neil. It's hard to explain, but "my" Neil touched a place so deep and special in me that even thinking about "him" lights me up like a suburban neighborhood at Christmastime.

This may sound odd, but it's the look on his face that helps me to get through the days I'm not sure I can get through. The days everything seems to be collapsing all over me, that face, that look jumps into my head and there is a peace. There's a couple "scenes", but one in particular I'll spare you all, but I wrote to him in a card I had Mike give him after I left. He was just standing there, with that "I'm so proud of myself" look on his face tell me, "You wanna laugh. I know you wanna laugh." And I did wanna laugh, or hug him or kiss him...but I was trying to discourage immature behavior. :)

Kare, I know you'll understand this...but I get so upset because I don't understand how someone I love SO much and think is SO wonderful doesn't see it in themself. And how the "shell Neil" can kill "my Neil" and nothing can be done about it. And everytime I try and convince myself that maybe "my Neil" has finally won and is blissfully happy , the part of me still connected in some way to that part of him warns me it's not the truth. He's not the way he was...more "mature" maybe, but not as much "fun".

And realizing this, and feeling like this, and "awakening" the part of me that is still SO in love reminds me how much I truly WANT to feel like that again. So, maybe all hope for me is not lost. I don't believe Phyl, though. I do believe there are such things as happy endings.


In FYI news:

I turned down a temp job yesterday after interviewing b/c it was a job, but farther away from intelligent and any type of career I'd want that I could ever imagine and it's about time I stop taking "jobs" and start trying to form a "path". It felt good. I got a call from Manpower today asking if I'd be interested in temping at a start-up company in Marlton similar to a Sylvan Learning Center. The job starts Oct. 21st. (which brings me to...)

My Aunt Lois is going to Florida Monday or so and had been asking my mom to take off and drive with her and keep her company for a few days. If she is willing to let me, I think I might go, spend a week in Orlando, hand out resumes and relax a bit.

Tomorrow the Flyers start their season. We're hoping for a somewhat full house to enjoy the kick off of mom's favorite holiday. Pizza and junk food galore! :)

I'm off to bed. Good Night, Good Day (and have a pleassant tomorrow ;) ).