Hi Guys!

It's funny, I always think of tons of things to write about and then somehow between that time and logging on to my computer, things happen that change my thought patterns. Sometimes leaving me blank. Tonight however, I'm going to take a moment to reflect on the death of an apparently sweet 11 year old child.

According to all reports, the day started out pretty normal for Greg Katsnelson. Got up, did whatever his normal morning rituals were, caught the bus and went to Marlton Middle School - Purple House for a typical Marlton Middle School 7th grade day. Greg caught the bus home and went to his house. According to reports, Greg loved school. He absorbed whatever they would give him and was always looking for more. Greg got off the bus in the King's Grant development of Marlton, went home and did whatever it was he did when he first got home. About 3:00 or so, Greg's friends came to get him to play. He declined, saying he wanted to finish his homework first and he'd catch up with them later.

Unbeknownst to Greg, at the same time he was declining his friends' invitations, Richard Pituch, 26, was in a neighboring town tying up his 5 year old niece and killing his 62 year old mother for not buying him cigarettes. Richard proceeded to flee his and his mother's house stopping briefly to assault a neighborhood woman and fleeing town on his dirt bike. Greg finished his homework about 4pm, called his mom at work to tell her he was going to play with friends and left his house. At 5:30pm a couple walking along a path in the woods found Greg Katsnelson's body floating in a shallow part of the lake with part of a kitchen knife protruding from him. Richard Pituch turned himself in to Medford police 15 minutes later.

The community of Marlton is still in shock. And Greg's development, my development is stunned. How could this happen in our town? Our town, which hasn't reported a murder since I graduated from high school. Our town, whose biggest fault is people with bad hair pretending they have money and displaying their lack of poilte and unselfish nature. our town, who is turning out in drove to show support for the Katznelson family. (We may not have all known Greg, or his family, but we try and understand how WE would feel in their situation and mourn for their loss as if it were our own.)

The last few weeks have been tentative for those in the East, but especially for my friends in the Maryland/D.C. area. People, going about their everyday lives, suddenly at risk for being killed in the blink of an eye. Home Depot one minute, gone forever the next. Easterners suddenly confined to their homes, afraid of running errands, or traveling near or on highways. Easterners held afraid at the whim of one other person. One person whose whims and fancies could erase our existance forever.

A year and a month ago, two planes crashed into the World Trade Center. A third plane crashed into the Pentagon. At least 50,000, it was initially thought, could perish in an "attack" of such magnitude. Two towers, often thought to symbolize New York City (especially to those who crossed from the Jersey side over), were suddenly reduced to rubble. The headquarters of our military and national defense suddenly bare and exposed to the world through the giant whole left by the entry of one plane. How could this happen in our nation? In a nation where thanks to the kindness of strangers the Fireman and EMT's were fed and cared for, the citizens fleeing the scene were taken in, cleaned up, housed, and encouraged to reach out to family and friends to account for their well-being. Where our citizens on planes which had been rerouted, or grounded, were taken in and fed and clothed by strangers. Where a group of people, worried about their own lives and the lives of other innocent citizens band together to overtake terrorists and, while saving many, lost their own lives in a field in Pennsylvania.

These things may seem widescale and untouching any of our lives. So, while these things affect all of us, how are we affected?

The night of Greg Katznelson's murder, I sat down and was reading an article. In the wake of alot of tragedy, I was feeling pretty down and missing Neil. He always made me feel better, made me feel safe. Even in the wake of my "forceful cuddling" experience, I felt like nothing bad would happen to me because Neil was there. Now, I'm sure part of it was the "I was faced with terror and survived" theory of many people I spoke with following my "forced love", but the other part was the feeling of safety we,as women, (Can't speak for the men, b/c I'm not one, but I haven't ever heard this as a relationship point from men) feel when we're with that special person, and one we look for in relationships. So, I was reading one of many various articles and began reading one about Buddism. Well, not about Buddism exactly, but about a principle of it. (Now for those of you who are wondering how senseless murder can lead me to Neil I have two thoughts...#1 Everything always leads me to Neil and #2 I may be taking the long way, but I'll get to a point eventually! :) )

The author's wife left him for another man. He was devestated. Never even saw it coming. Someone called him and told him to mourn, grieve, be angry, whatever. I'm a little shakey about how he got to this part, but it's called his 2 question choice. The first question is "What am I feeling?" And the second is "Can I be with it?" Well, I could completely relate to him until we got to the questions. How stupid is that?!?! I mean seriously, can you just ask yourself a question and overturn feelings? Mourning and Sorrow are not that easy! If one or two questions could change the way we feel, doesn't that mean our feelings aren't that deep?

Well, as any good sitcom/cheesy drama predictor knows...when the girl is running in heels through a dark forest being chased by the bad guy, she will always lose her shoe. The next day, I found myself sitting at the computer, staring at Neil on IM and knowing he was at his desk and not writing to me and that stupid question popped up..."What am I feeling?" So, I sat talking to myself (in my head, not out loud, of course) and said..."I feel rejected and unloved and stupid for believing in him and empty and hurt and angry astonished at how he could not miss me." Then, as the bad guy always catches up to the girl with no shoe...question number two emerged..."Can You Be With It?" "No," I said to myself, "I'm sick of being with it. He doesn't have to be with it, so why should I?!?!?" And ironically, just like that it was gone. Not the feelings themselves, exactly, but the weight they had taken on.

In reflection, I'm not sure it was those stupid questions themselves. (Hey, I'm not EVER gonna admit stupid questions helped me with anything.) I think it was more the times. I began thinking to myself, I love him and miss him, but if a terrorist hijacks a plane and I'm on it, or in the building he crashes it into, what would anyone have to say about me? "She used to be a fun happy girl, but ever since Neil got married..."

Or, what if I go out to buy the great pumpkin color I want for my bathroom and after two steps am shot and killed by a sniper just out on a whim? Will I really die knowing I have lived up to MY potential? If God's plan for us, doesn't necessarily involve our reaching our dreams, but our lives having an impact on other, who's life have I touch moping and wasting away over a guy who could care less about me and has moved on and married?

If I run across some guy in the woods who isn't taking his medicine and has just killed his mother, the only thing anyone could say about me lately is that I was quiet and kept to myself.

I've been thinking alot about Erin lately. Apparently I am not the only one. All "our" friends have been asking if anyone has heard from her and when I called her last night, her voice mail box was full. I sent her an e-card tonight hoping to find the return receipt in my mailbox soon. Erin is a wonderful person! She is the type of person you meet and immediately find all thr qualities you wish you possessed...her love of life, spontinatey (?), energy, zest...it's so hard to explain, yet so easy to get wrapped up in her whirlwind and jump on board. Erin may never have a "career", "find her way", marry, have kids, or live the "American Dream" (although knowing her, she will outlive us all!), and I don't know if she will be upset if she doesn't get there, or hopes she gets to live out the typical female "fantasy", but I know my life will never be the same, no matter what the outcome, for what she is going through now.

One of the things so frustrating right now in my life is knowing what I want (essentially, not descriptively) and not being able to get there. Like the child on the street tugging their parent toward the toy store THEY want to go in, because they want to go NOW! Nevermind, parking the car, getting yor purse, paying the meter...they want to go NOW!

When I think about all the people who died on September 11, 2001, or all 10 or so people the "Tarot Card Sniper" has claimed, or Greg Katsnelson, who so diligently sat and did his homework before heading out to play, or Greg's mother, who told him to be careful and she'd see him when she got home, or Erin, I feel so guilty for being in such a hurry. At least I have another day, to see if maybe I WILL fall in love again, have kids, enjoy a career (or have one)...so, should I really be in such a big hurry to have it NOW? Then again, imagine all the things Greg might have done if he'd known that his life was going to end just hours after he stepped off that bus.

The world is gonna miss what you might have been, Greg. Let us not leave others to think that about us.