Happy New Year! I hope you all had a good holiday and that 2003 has been good so far. All I can say is, Thank God 2002 is over!

It seems no matter how hard I tried (including a Maculay Caulkin New Year's Eve) to get caught up before this year started, I'm still feeling as if I'm behind! So, I headed to Wal-Mart to by day planner paper and tossed the 2002 ones still unused! I SO miss my Palm Pilot! It is now January 6th and I can honestly say I've stuck to all the New Year's Resolutions it has taken me until now to make!! :)

1) BE MORE "ON TOP OF THINGS" Since most of you have been in my room at one point or another, you are familiar with the Laundry Yeti! Laundry is one of those things I HATE to do! Dragging it downstairs, sorting it, moving it from washer to dryer, then...the wretched act of folding and putting away the clean clothes! This is my least favorite part. Mostly b/c I wait so long to actually DO laundry that I've bought stuff to take the place of my dirty stuff and now have to make room for the clean clothes! I MISS MY GREENSBORO CLEANERS!!!!! I would just round up the Laundry Yeti and drop it at the laundramat. Two days later, Viola! Clean folded clothes. (That would sit in my laundry basket until I needed them...but they were clean! :) ) This year, I'm determined to banish the Laundry Yeti altogether! If I can just do it every week.... :) There's alot more I should stay on top of, but mainly anything that relies on me to go from dirty to clean!

2) TAKE MORE PICTURES This year, Santa brought me a digital camera for Christmas! Now, I must admit the box score for using the digital camera is Mom - 2; Jenn -1, but I was IN oine of the pictures, so it shouldn't count! In a pre-holiday search for picture of me with friends and family, I realized either everyone looks exactly the same as they did in 1993 OR I have been real bad about taking pictures since then! :) I have no pictures of Mike and I together to prove he is not the guy that was in the frame when I bought it! My mom has had 3 different hair styles, and highlights since we last posed for the camera. My "Silly Trish Picture Album" is stuck in 1993. People come and go so quickly in life. I want to make sure that when my immediate memory is failing (which it does way too often!) I can pull out a picture and trigger memories.

3) FIGURE OUT WHY PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE Whoever said this DID NOT drive a car! (and if they did, it wasn't in the Marlton, Philadelphia, Baltimore or greater D.C. area!!!) Lately it seems traffc is awful everywhere and the stupid people are making their annual trek in my path! There is some verse about accepting the things we cannot change, but come on...have they met these people?!?!?! Just because they won't change, doesn't mean I have to accept their stupidity as they - take off the front bumper of my car (protected, apparently by an "invisibility cloak", as this same thing has happened at 3 separate intersections on 3 separate occations and by 3 separate drivers!), cut in front of me in line, or ignore me altogether when IT IS THEIR JOB to help me!!! Whew! Sorry. So, today on my way into work, I enjoyed the beautiful snow covered landscape. And when stuck in traffic, I called work to tell them I'd be late, turned up my radio, sang along - loud and with expressions and gestures, and practiced my Yoga breathing! :) This doesn't mean the othe 358 days of 2003 will see me so calm - especially when encountering the stupid people who forgot to wear their "sign" out of the house - but maybe, just maybe my singing and breathing will improve!

4) WAIST NOT! Maybe Not exactly what it looks like. I've been doing pretty good at justifying my gym dues (at least til a crazy work schedule and the holidays threw me off). However, I'd still like to reduce some of the ripples on my frame (especially since running on the treadmill strains the fat on my butt, causing a bruising feeling and at least two false earthquake alarms!)...maybe to a solid size 8 or a nice plump size 5. (plump size 5...what on oxymoron!) But, I've decided to "waist not" and try and think more in terms of being more healthy, than thinking about my waist size.

5) WANT NOT Anyone want a Neil countdown?: 25 days. I talked to him right before he left for Vegas...25 days ago. No forwards from me, no reply to his Christmas email, no holiday wishes...nada. For 25 days. (Did I mention it's been 25 days?!?!?! :) ) I've been trying REAL hard to want not. To remind myself of all the ways he's probably not any good for me. To think about his marriage in terms of reality instead of my delusional fantasies of them being what I always wanted to be...instead of what they actually are. Meg actually fueled me the other day.She told me Ryan got engaged around Thanksgiving. I was truly happy. I liked Jessica when I met her. They seemed VERY compatible and very in love. I felt sort of ashamed though that my first thought was, thank God it's not me! As I believe I mentioned before, when I saw them in Dallas in June, I looked at him and realized how different we were. The idea of being happy in small town NJ, with 2.5 kids and working while he excelled, blah, blah, blah...just didn't seem like me. I was glad to feel like "me" and know it wasn't wh I would've been had Ryan and I gone that route. And I don't regret a day of it, just glad I'm not there now. It's nice to be able to look back and realize how different you are than you were. And even though I felt more "me" with Neil, maybe some day I'll look at he and Christy and be glad I'm not her. Not settling for what Neil offers instead of pushing him towards what he could..and what I should expect and what I want. To know that even thought things may not be great right now, they are better than what they would be were we still together. And somewhere in the comforts of that thought may be the thought that he wishes he had come with me...to where I am at that moment...and knowing there's no one to blame but himself for not being there. And maybe I'll get there. But I'm gonna start by struggling through everyday by trying to want him less - want to call him, want to hear from him, want to be with him, etc.

There's wants everywhere I ought to give up...and will try. Instead of wanting a better life for myself, I am becoming comfortable with the one I have. I have a roof over my head, no real bills to speak of, parents who love me and help me and support me in every way they can and friends to reach out to when life seems too much. I love you all and hope 2003 is wonderful for each and every one of you in whatever way you wish it to be!

Love, Jenn

P.S. - Just so you all don't think I've totally lost it - when the first stupid person emerges...I'll eat junk, want twenty million things to take me miles and miles away from all the stupid people, lose complete track of where I was headed and why, and yell and scream til the cows come home!!! But, if I'm really lucky...I can take a picture of the idiot to share with you all! :) Hey, one out of 5 ain't bad!!! :)